r/Damnthatsinteresting • u/ArcherVisible5866 • 4h ago

Video New controversial Ad in Ireland about consent

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u/WingDairu 4h ago

This thread is full of people who really don't understand the point:

It's not telling you grandparent hugs are bad. It's telling you that ignoring other people's boundaries REGARDING THEIR OWN PHYSICAL BODY is bad.

This is especially important with kids, because it's important to teach kids that they're allowed to exercise bodily autonomy. If kids aren't taught that, it becomes far easier for someone to take advantage of them being trained to allow touching they don't want because they feel like they have to.

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u/Buzz_Mcfly 3h ago

Yep, sometimes my kids don’t want to hug my father in law and he said “awe but now you are making grandpa sad “. Without skipping a beat my wife said “well Grandpa is a grown adult responsible for managing his own feelings and kids arnt obliged to make him feel better”….. he didn’t know what to say, and I was so proud of my wife.

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u/saragIsMe 2h ago

I wish I had an adult who said that to the adults in my life as a child. Good for your wife, keep protecting your kids

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u/saelwen89 2h ago

100%. I was raised in a very children must obey adults household and it directly led to me feeling like I couldn’t say no or speak up during my own abuse. Children need to be taught this

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u/LilMissy1246 1h ago

Exactly. My father doesn’t understand that consent doesn’t even have to be sexual or physical. If he makes a joke I find offensive (ie anti-trans jokes or racist comments about immigrants) he’ll get defensive and say that “It was a joke, calm down.” Or if he makes a noise that annoys me or he’s being loud, he gets angry and says, “It’s my house. I can do xxx whenever I feel like it.” And as someone that was bullied a lot in school and verbally abused by a sped teacher in grade school, it really bothers me that even as an adult, I can’t even speak up for myself in my own home…it seriously upsets me.

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u/definitelynot40 2h ago

With with tears in my eyes, I wish I could have said the same thing or that somebody would have said that to me when I was younger. Maybe then I wouldn't be living with the trauma of what a close family "friend" did regularly to me growing up when I'm in my 40s now.

Actually I was told the opposite. I was told to be quiet since children are supposed to be seen and not heard. Mind you I didn't grow up in like the 40s or 50s, I was born in the 1980s. And yet nobody could read the obvious body language on me to realize when this one person was in house, I would literally start having panic attacks and tried to hide and get away and make excuses to be elsewhere. The bottom line, really should be paying more attention to your children and any nonverbal cues they're giving you.

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u/Necessary_Owl9724 2h ago

I am so sorry this happened to you. It happened to me too and I took the opportunity spit on his grave when I had the chance. It’s not our shame to carry.

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u/MangoCats 45m ago

When I was 9 I was in a class of abusive students, I tried every way I knew how to communicate how bad it was (it was really bad, including physically) and nobody who pretended like they were listening ever did anything effective about it.

Finally, the class moved to a 2 story building and I knew the next "accident" that was going to happen to me was to be pushed down those stairs. I dug in and insisted on transferring to the public school, "oh, but those kids are worse!" Nope, they weren't. Public school kids weren't perfect, but the entitled brat sons and daughters of rich parents in private school were far far worse to me, there on discounted tuition because my dad worked for the school.

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u/VeryBerryBluu 2h ago

My exact fucking thought. Kudos on this mom!

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u/Spiritual_Priority79 1h ago

I too wish I was raised by that guy's wife

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u/RogerClyneIsAGod2 1h ago

My great-grandmother had a friend named Gladys who smoked like a chimney & sounded like it. I always had to give her a hug & kiss on the cheek.

There's a reason I remember her vividly & it's not because I was thrilled about doing those things.

It was the 70s & consent wasn't a thing for a kid back then.

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u/skip-for-now 3h ago

Your wife is awesome. She's great at protecting your kids.

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u/DesireeThymes 51m ago

That is a really good line, I'm actually going to send it around to a few people to use.

That said I think we also have some of the opposite problem as well i.e. A lot of the younger generation is becoming extremely standoffish and unable to manage any interpersonal communication / relationship.

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u/king_hutton 3h ago

Your wife rules.

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u/Desperate-Ganache804 3h ago

I also choose that guys wife?

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u/TeeheeheeBag 2h ago

But only if she consents

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u/secretaccount94 1h ago

Awe but now you are making Redditor sad

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u/king_hutton 3h ago

God dammit I laughed too hard and spilled my drink 😂

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u/AHRogue 2h ago

Your wife did not fucking say that lmao. Did the neighbor hear and clap?

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u/cremaglitch 43m ago

hi, i'm Albert Einstein, the neighbour. and yes, i did clapped when i hear that

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u/AHRogue 39m ago

Hey man I wouldnt show your face around here, real fucked up what you did on that island.

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u/Buzz_Mcfly 25m ago

lol it was to her own dad. Shooting quick retorts his way is not new for her, and this was not the first time he has done this kind of thing, so she was a bit rehearsed for the occasion if he was going to try and pressure the kids again.

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u/psypher98 1h ago

Just because you’re an emotionally unintelligent troll doesn’t mean everyone is.

It only means you’re an emotionally unintelligent troll. That’s it.

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u/MysterySpirit15 2h ago

I would really like to politely and respectfully (I really do mean that!!) debate this/dive a little deeper. It’s a really eye-opening point that you made because initially, from my perspective, which is 52 years old with teenage kids, I think a lot of us screw up with a hug from grandma grandpa or a piss from aunt Gladys on the cheek that left big red lipstick! Now I’m sure there’s a pretty large percentage of us that grew up with the ability to set boundaries and I’m sure a tragic percentage that had some some form of non-consensual, touching or worse. I would think that it’s almost too hard to directly correlate one leading into another. I guess I’m asking with all the respect that what data do you have that says “it’s far easier for someone to be taken advantage of”. Trust me if there is direct proof I’d be glad to tackle grandma at the door and say enough is enough!

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u/saragIsMe 2h ago

A child who is repeatedly shown that adults are allowed to touch them and violate boundaries through hugs and kisses in front of the whole family is far less likely to speak up or understand something wrong is happening when they become a victim of CSA

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u/No_Lube 1h ago

I think they just want to know if there is any actual evidence of this, or if it’s coming from a “common sense” approach

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u/OneironauticsLtd 45m ago

If aunt Gladys is pissing on you that's a real problem.

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u/theatermouse 50m ago

Does it really matter whether or not official studies have been done? There are numerous people in this thread alone stating they feel strongly that if they had been taught that they were allowed to have boundaries, say no, and have their autonomy respected as children, that they would have had a much better foundation for doing so as an adult and hopefully have avoided the abuse they suffered. Is their word not good enough?

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u/Devastator2016 1h ago

Alternative point to a degree though, making a big deal out of it (even in more of a 'he probably wont want to') sense can really normalise you growing up to not doing so.

Thinking on it with shyness etc growing up beyond there, it might have some more connections to that then credited for. But also sometimes its a comfort zone thing, which sure can respect, but when its actually comfort zone and not really not wanting to then it could be a good easy gentle pushing area for getting out of comfort zones.

Least thats my side thoughts to it tbf. Case by case and all that. People making a big deal either way with smaller things tends to be the root of that thought though. Good one from your wife though anyway, dont mean to take away from that :)

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u/theatermouse 46m ago

It's like veggies. People used to force their kids to eat foods they disliked, and now there are tons of adults who say they don't eat xyz because they were forced to as a kid and now they hate it.

Current recommendations are to put a new food on the plate without comment (you can of course state what it is, either if kid asks or in naming all the foods for the meal). And that it takes 3-4 times on average (iirc) of seeing a new food for kids to try it and begin to want to eat it.

I think the "neutral" response to an offered hug and a hesitant child should be "you don't have to hug me if you don't want to, but I'm available if you do." And then moving on, either "can you show me your toys" or "how is school" or whatever.

I do think the mom in the above scenario was absolutely right for shutting down the attempted guilt-trip though - speaking as someone made responsible for managing adults' emotions and unwanted physical contact.

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u/OutrageousInsect9308 2h ago

Fuck yea! My brother-in-law did this to my mom a few months ago and that was the first time I wanted to really hug the shit out of him. They've had their issues as a couple, but damn if he doesn't protect their kids from my mom's bullshit guilt trip abuse. Thank fuck.

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u/lokifan4 1h ago

I am in love with your wife. Is she single?

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u/elrangarino 1h ago

Is wife also eldest daughter?! Queen!

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u/alwaysalwaysastudent 1h ago

My parents fostered kids that had been sexually abused by their parents when I was young, and this was always their number one rule.
The people closest to you are generally the ones that abuse, kids should feel comfortable saying no to any affection.

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u/Shot_Clue9491 59m ago

My family is really good about providing back up options. If my niece says she doesn't want to give someone a hug, we say "how about a high five?" or "can I blow you a kiss?" or "what if we just wave hello?" Now if she doesn't want to hug, she will automatically counter with whatever she feels comfortable with.

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u/theatermouse 44m ago

That's great! There's more than one video online that makes the rounds periodically of teachers doing something similar, kids getting to pick if they want a wave/high five/fist bump/hug/etc. as a greeting!

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u/Witty-Quality1613 2h ago

Queen shit. Bravo.

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u/layz2021 2h ago

I gotta memo that down!

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u/FelaFrank 2h ago

Precisely. The kids aren't here for us. We're here for our kids.

And if the grandparents don't understand it then there needs to be less grandparents in your kids' lives. At least until they learn.

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u/wise_owl68 2h ago

Awesome. Boundary set.

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u/DangerZone69 3h ago

lol so fuck grandpa for wanting to hug his grandkids? Like is this seriously what we’re doing lol. I get it if the kid doesn’t wanna hug grandpa he doenst have to but why give him shit for wanting to hug his grandkids?

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u/MadamKitsune 3h ago

Because the child asked not to be hugged and grandpa jumped straight to making the child responsible for his feelings. A boundary was set and grandpa tried to swerve it.

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u/[deleted] 2h ago

[deleted]

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u/VeryBerryBluu 2h ago

And how can a child tell the difference? Guess how many pedophiles use guilt to abuse their victims?

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u/swinchester83 2h ago

This is why nobody invites you to parties. 

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u/johnvarley1 2h ago

Sounds like you’re projecting

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u/swinchester83 2h ago

Projecting that you asked a weird blunt question to that person? Yeah man people aren't fond of dickheads who do that. 

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u/aliamokeee 2h ago

Shit was given for pouting "youll make me sad" after being told no already. Do you have a problem with being told no?

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u/Numerous_Sentence_44 3h ago

Lmao it wasn't the attempt at a hug that was the problem. It's the fact that Grandpa then tried to guilt the kid into doing something they didn't want to do to make him feel better. Advocating for your kid's autonomy is way more important than a grown adult's hurt feelings.

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u/ChickenInASuit 3h ago

No, fuck him for not respecting the kids’ boundaries. Nothing wrong with him wanting a hug, everything wrong with him trying to force the kids to hug him.

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u/DangerZone69 2h ago

So he didn’t hug the kid, but he disrespected his boundaries? Be so for real lol. I’m going outside before people make sense.

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u/FirefighterAlarmed64 2h ago

He tried to convince the kid to hug him with guilt. Or are you claiming not to have the comprehension skills to understand that bit?

I think you might be feeling defensive. Why would someone be defensive about people rightfully criticizing coercion? Maybe the type who relies on it to get what they want?

Oh, and before you respond, faking being dim: "A hug is coercion! OMG you guys are stupid!"

No one said the hug or asking for one is coercion. But it IS coercion if you ask someone for physical intimacy, and then continue to pester them about it afterward.

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u/DangerZone69 2h ago

I’m not feeling defensive lol I agree with the video 100% but I’m not gunna be rude to my dad for wanting to hug my kid especially if he respects my kids wishes and doesn’t hug them when asked. It’s not that deep

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u/Disused_Yeti 1h ago

I’m not feeling defensive lol

lol

the point you keep dodging is that gramps was not respecting the boundaries, he was trying to use guilt to get the hug after asking failed. he wasn't getting the message and needed the harder pushback

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u/ChickenInASuit 2h ago edited 1h ago

Yes, trying to guilt the kid into giving him a hug is disrespecting boundaries. He’s literally trying to make them feel bad for having boundaries, you simpleton.

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u/Disused_Yeti 3h ago

if your buddy needs $100, it's ok for them to keep pestering you until you give it to them because they really need it? or should they accept the no and move on?

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u/DangerZone69 3h ago

Did you really compare a hug to $100 loan? Reddit sometimes jfc lmao

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u/DILF_MANSERVICE 2h ago

The point is that you don't get to decide for other people how big a deal a hug is to them. You're only saying this because it feels normal to you. Don't assume everyone is you.

Also, $100 is like a days wage for most people. Unwanted physical contact could easily feel like a bigger deal than a hundred bucks.

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u/DangerZone69 2h ago

Bro, what are you even saying right now lol threads like this remind me I need to spend more time outside. Like it’s normal for a grandfather, to be sad that his grandchild doesn’t want to hug him. It’s OK to not want to hug the grandfather. It’s not OK to force physical contact against someone’s will.

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u/DILF_MANSERVICE 2h ago

Dude, no one is disagreeing with that. Everyone here understands the grandparent is allowed to be sad. Absolutely no one has said anything to the contrary. People are saying it was wrong for the grandparent to deliberately try to make the child feel guilty for not wanting a hug. There is a difference between being sad, and telling a child that their setting boundaries makes you sad. You don't just emote your feelings whenever you feel them regardless of how it may affect others, especially children. That's what emotional manipulators do; act really sad and pouty when they don't get what they want so the people around them feel guilty. If a kid is involved, and the thing that made you sad is something the kid is fully allowed to do, you don't make them feel bad. You could say "I would like to hug you, but you don't have to if you don't want to." You don't put the emotional burden of figuring out the nuances on a child.

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u/theatermouse 40m ago

It’s not OK to force physical contact against someone’s will.

What you are either misunderstanding or willfully ignoring is that coercion IS forcing someone against their will. If child says "no" to a hug, Grandpa pouts and says "awww, you're making me sad!" and child reluctantly says "alright", that is coerced agreement, which is not really consent. Lots of ways to force someone into doing something that aren't just brute strength.

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u/Disused_Yeti 3h ago edited 2h ago

it's about being able to say no and not be obligated to do something you don't want to. apparently you have issues with being told no though and would rather laugh it off as a reddit problem than address your lack of respecting boundaries

edit: since you managed to get your comment deleted, just because something isn't important to you doesn't mean it's "the least important s***" no matter how much you want to think you are in the majority

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u/swinchester83 2h ago

Cause he's an adult not a baby? He didn't get a hug oh no, he can go golf or eat a pizza or do literally whatever he wants except hug someone who doesn't want a hug THAT TIME. It's not all hugs just that one hug it's really not that big of a deal to hear no and respect it. 

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u/DangerZone69 2h ago

It’s not a big deal, but why is he not allowed to be sad he didn’t get a hug lol. We teach kids to express their emotion and then a grandfather is expressing his emotion as sad and we’re yelling at him because why again? He asked for a hug didn’t get it and then didn’t grab the kid against its will?

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u/swinchester83 2h ago

Point to where I said he can't be sad? Unless you mean he's sad so he should get his way? Nobody said the word sad. 

Seriously where are you getting yelling from?

I truly do not understand where you got sad and yelling from. Did you make that up to make a point? 

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u/DangerZone69 2h ago

No it’s in the comment I’m replying to lol it literally says “grandpa” and “sad” in it. Im done feeding the trolls I’m going outside

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u/swinchester83 2h ago

You replied to me man, are you daft? 

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u/FirefighterAlarmed64 2h ago

He was using guilt to attempt to push the child into intimacy the child didn't want and you're coming of real questionable the more you defend that behavior.

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u/Johnabie 1h ago

Grandpa is also an adult who can choose to not show love to a family member as they have been pushed away. They mine as well show an ad to not tell white lies.

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u/theatermouse 39m ago

And that would be some real childish behavior, to withhold love from a grandchild because said grandchild didn't want a hug.

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u/JdsPrst 3h ago

That's kind of bullshit though. I hope you find better things to be proud of in your wife

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u/Kazeshio 3h ago

you think grandpa isn't a grown adult and kids are obligated to make him feel better?

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u/madasheII 3h ago

I think people thinking there is nothing wrong in wife's reply are not grown adults

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u/panrestrial 3h ago

What, specifically, was wrong about it?

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u/JdsPrst 3h ago edited 3h ago

No I think that parents who step in to negotiate or navigate every step in a child's journey towards maturity and adulthood are setting their kids up for failure.

Parents do know best, kids are just trying their best, but there was a better way to handle your situation and your wife chose a poor way that, in my professional, father of three, ages between 1 year and 23 years old, self would say, hurt the kid and the grandparent.

That is why I think it's kind of bullshit and that I hope you find better reasons to be proud of your wife.

Edit: Now eat a cock and buzz off

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u/InvisibleLandBorder 3h ago

No, kids should have advocates.

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u/JdsPrst 3h ago

I agree kids should have advocates. Why is reading comprehension and understanding so difficult for redditors? Read my comment again and good luck

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u/SpookySnep 3h ago

Grandpa wanted a hug and the kids said no thanks -> kids said no
Grandpa attempts emotional manipulation to get a hug -> if you don't do this, I'll be sad and it's your fault -> coerced consent
Wife tells Grandpa he can handle it -> backing up the decision made by the kids

I think you're the one with reading comprehension issues

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u/JdsPrst 2h ago

No again, you're the one with comprehension issues. I never said grandparents were right in that scenario. I said the mother was wrong. Please give me your argument against that and we can continue if you'd like.

You're jumping to conclusions.

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u/DILF_MANSERVICE 2h ago

No, you need help understanding what you wrote. Firstly, you exaggerated the scenario to make your argument sound better

Parents shouldn't step in and navigate every step of child's journey

No one said this. They were literally talking about one scenario, and you changed it. The kid set a boundary, and the grandparent tried to make them feel guilty for setting that boundary. The grandparent was actively un-teaching an important lesson. Unless you think children are immune to outside influences, the parent absolutely has a responsibility to step in and correct the lesson so the kid doesn't walk away thinking they did something wrong. The consequence of letting someone punish your kid for setting boundaries is your kid stops setting boundaries. You're absolutely nuts for thinking the parents were wrong for backing up their kid and preventing that from happening.

Again, you had to change the scenario to "micromanaging every step of their life" when the actual scenario is "one time, someone tried to teach a child to stop setting boundaries, and the parents corrected it". I can exaggerate too: You're saying parents should never teach their kids lessons or stop outsiders from teaching them bad lessons???

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u/JdsPrst 2h ago

This one is actually too long for me to read right now. I'll check back later if I remember. Ping me broski if I forget.

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u/DILF_MANSERVICE 2h ago

Two paragraphs?

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u/JdsPrst 2h ago

Two paragraphs that I need to think hard about in order to properly respond to while I was trying to get dinner ready for the family.

Yes. Those two paragraphs.

→ More replies

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u/InvisibleLandBorder 2h ago

Everyone read your comment and took from it exactly what you wrote. His wife handled it completely fine and acted as an advocate.

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u/king_hutton 3h ago

I’m shocked that a guy who ends posts with “eat a cock and buzz off” has a problem with consent.

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u/JdsPrst 3h ago

There's no problem with consent bro. But you're right, I have been childish in my responses and it's because I am now getting emotionally charged by having to ward off the poor thinkers or misunderstanding folks.

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u/JelmerMcGee 2h ago

Maybe there are some children around who you can have manage your feelings for you?

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u/JdsPrst 2h ago

Lol. That is a good one but I don't see your opinion anywhere.

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u/king_hutton 2h ago

You’re getting emotional over Reddit comments supporting consent. Take a step back.

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u/JdsPrst 2h ago

Incorrect. I am getting emotional over the real life experienced feelings I mentioned in my original comment. Not over the reddit comments.

Continuing to talk about this is bringing to mind all my own problem with this topic and my middle child.

I can comment and distract myself with dinner though.

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u/aliamokeee 2h ago

Sooo one could say you, like the grandfather in this story, have trouble managing your own emotions, and instead try to make everyone else deal with it.

Block and report yall

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u/Disused_Yeti 3h ago

they're teaching their kids to stand up for themselves and not cave in by backing them up. it is so they will eventually tell gramps to buzz off themselves without the help but they aren't there yet

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u/JdsPrst 2h ago

That's a great lesson to teach kids. That is not what the parent did there. I worry about everyone's parenting abilities here.

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u/thisdesignup 2h ago

> Parents do know best

Since when?

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u/JdsPrst 2h ago

Fair. I would change it to adults tend to know better than children but CLEARLY that is not true from a lot of these comments. I no longer know if parents know best.

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u/InvisibleLandBorder 3h ago

No it isn’t.

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u/Careless_Art8588 2h ago

If your father in law treat your kids differently like let say he doesn't buy something for them but give a nice present for their cousin's or even any random kid , by your wife logic that should be fine right? Because they are not entitled of his money and gifts , if he was somebody that I know I would give him alot of ideas to test your wife and see if she is that though , I can't imagine a daughter talking like this to his dad over a hug.

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u/Teaching_Public 2h ago

are you comparing child's body with a random toy?

As a 7yo I hated sticky random aunties' kisses so much so I stopped anyone from touching or kissing me, even my own mother. I still shrink inside if anyone except my partner tries to touch me, even if it's a pat on the shoulder.

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u/Careless_Art8588 2h ago

You are entitled to your preference nobody is discussing that , but the way that the daughter talked to his father was unnecessary , I'm not comparing with the toy how you even see that on my massage? What I propose was to test her logic , she exclude her dad to have the hug , fair enough , but let's test her logic and exclude her children in a family event , could be gifts , praise or anything , I don't know how you saw a comparison it's more like a test , the old man just wanted a hug so if he star to treat then with indifference the wife couldn't say nothing because the grandfather could use the same argument that if they feel down it's up to then to manage their own feelings

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u/theatermouse 34m ago

You are saying that children should be excluded from family events or given no or lesser gifts because they did not want a hug.

YOU ARE SAYING THAT CHILDREN SHOULD TRADE ACCESS TO THEIR BODIES FOR BEING ACCEPTED INTO A FAMILY.

Have a good, long think about that.