I am not The OOP, OOP is u/kikimctosser

My (30/f) immediate supervisor (35/F) is stealing from the owner (38/f) of the business

Original Post  May 27, 2016

I really like my job. I do bookkeeping and admin support for a small design firm. The owner (principal designer) is currently on bedrest for the last trimester of her first pregnancy (with twins).

In her stead, her younger sister, Candy, is running the business side of things and the "junior" designer (who is my age) is handling the design side. I thought everything was working out well but have recently noticed on Fridays, Candy has been withdrawing $200-$300 from the bank around the corner in the late afternoon. For weeks, since her sister went on bedrest. She turns in receipts for the atm withdrawals, marking them as estate sale purchases, but there are never receipts from the sale, and our refinishing vendors don't have any extra stock. This is also not how the business normally works, usually there is back up/invoices/receipts for everything, and usually the designer picks out the stuff for Candy or I to purchase for them. Basically, we handle the money and they handle the design.

I pointed this out to the other designer, asking her for advice about who I should go to. The owner is under strict orders to avoid stress - the implication being it would be dangerous to the babies if she didn't. The other designer brought this withdrawal issue up to the owner's husband as she is over at their home frequently to discuss design matters.

Well, total shitstorm ensued - now I'm restricted and cannot look at the bank statements any more or log into the bank account online. Candy is being openly hostile to me. I don't want to leave because I'm worried how much more Candy will steal, but I do want to leave because... this sucks. Candy signs all the checks and I've started noticing, in our accounting program, that she gives herself "advances" on paychecks as well, but our payroll company still withdraws the usual amount, regardless of how much "advance" she has taken that pay period.

What should I do?

TL;DR My supervisor is stealing but I can't talk to the owner about it. I tried to blow the whistle and now I'm being met with reprisal.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

felicititiousat

Why would you leave? Just try to document what you can and keep reporting everything to the husband. Can Candy fire you or affect your pay?

OOP

She probably could fire me but I don't think she will, it seems more like she's trying to get me to quit.

~

Cosmonachosat

If your supervisor on bed rest is the one who is restricting your access, get the hell out of there. You can't fix this in a family business. I've been a whistle blower twice, both times with disastrous results. As I've said before, my manager could be using petty cash to snort cocaine from a dead hooker's navel and I would never say a word.

OOP

I can see how this would be confusing but the owner is on bedrest, her sister is the one stealing and who restricted my access.

Yeah I see now how whistle blowing was a bad idea. I don't know what I expected, I just felt like someone needed to know besides me.

Update  Aug 15, 2016 (Nearly 3 Months later)

I didn't know this at the time but while I was making that post, my boss was having an emergency c-section! The twins were a few weeks early but overall in good health and were discharged the following week. They are doing well and are adorable.

My boss started work again about a month ago (she lives super close to the office and hired a nanny for the twins). I asked to speak with her and showed her all of the documentation I'd collected. She was taken aback (like, really shocked!) and then started asking me questions - I gather she'd heard a different story from Candy and she thought maybe I was stealing. But here is the thing: I can't steal the way Candy was stealing. She was writing and signing checks to herself to give herself pay check advances. I can't sign checks. She was pulling out money from the ATM. I don't have the debit card OR the PIN for the account. I pointed that out, and reiterated the proof, letting my boss know whatever she needed, I would try to help her with, but that the situation was untenable as it was and I had been looking for other work because I didn't want to stay at the position, working under Candy.

Boss took a few days to think things over and verified what I'd said. She checked in with payroll processor and, no, Candy wasn't taking the "advances" out. She checked in with the bank and not only was there ATM footage of Candy withdrawing cash, the bank also brought to Boss's attention a slew of checks that Candy had written to herself and signed, but that were in my Quickbooks as checks to vendors. So that's another reason why she didn't want to me to log into the bank account online, I would have been able to see the check images.

Needless to say, Boss confronted Candy.

The story from Candy was

• Kiki (me) is the one stealing (then boss showed her images of herself taking money out of ATM, reprints of checks made out to herself and signed, etc.)

• That turned into Candy saying she's a pill addict and this is because of her addiction and blah blah. She might be a pill addict, I don't know. But the total of theft that we found (with the bank etc) was over $30,000 in a little over 3 months. So... would a pillhead with that kind of money even be alive still? Anyway, the last one is the best one, IMO

• I DROVE HER TO ABUSE PAIN PILLS BECAUSE I WAS SO MEAN TO HER AND FRAMING HER FOR MY OWN THEFT. Which again, go back to the first bullet re: "my own theft". But also, she was HORRIBLE to me in the last few months. She brought a buzzer in from a game and would literally buzz it at me anytime I tried to talk to her and she didn't want to listen. She made a big deal about locking up her purse around me. I'm pretty sure she was letting air out of my tires because I kept leaving work to find flats. She also was openly being like "you are such a bitch", "wipe that face of your head, bitch" etc. So that was pretty rich.

Boss fired Candy. She thanked me for bringing it to her attention. I didn't have the heart to say "well, your husband knew about it at least 2 months ago" I wonder if he just never told her and acted surprised when she came home to tell him? Anyway, the silveriest of linings to this story is: I started applying for jobs and got one, that pays roughly one and a half times what my current job pays! So I gave notice today.

tl;dr: Thief got canned, I'm movin' on up!

FINAL COMMENTS

Spock5eyebrowat

Why the hell didn't she call the cops? Embezzlement is a felony.

OOP

I guess because it's her sister? I think she believes the pill addict story (which might be true, IDK). She had me record the additional income of her theft with the payroll company as a "severance package" so she'll have to pay taxes on the income.

~

wyldstallyns111

IANAL but do you still have your proof that Candy was the thief?

I don't know, the way your boss covered up her theft and enabled her for it -- I'd hate for you to get sued later or run into some other legal trouble down the line should your boss decide she doesn't want to pay taxes on that money, or something. :/

OOP

Yeah I have everything saved on google drive and now I'll also back up on a usb stick, I even forwarded the emails from Boss asking me to report "severance" for Candy to the payroll company.

Candy will have to pay taxes on it, I reported it as untaxed bonus or whatever.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/momshire 

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Status: Concluded

Trigger Warning: Parental pressure

Mood Spoiler: Optimistic

Editor's note: The following definitions of some British words might help

Grammar School: a state-funded secondary school that selects its pupils based on academic ability. They often achieve high exam results comparable to top private schools.

11+: a selective entrance examination taken by children in England during the autumn term of Year 6(usually when they are 10 or 11 years old) to gain admission to state grammar schools

Oxbridge: British slang that collectively refers to the University of Oxford and the University of Cambridge

Original - January 8th 2026

Hi, I wanted to get some perspective here. We live in the UK, and my husband and I have two kids. My daughter is 10, and very driven, very intelligent, gets raving feedback from her teachers. She tells me she gets done with her work 15 miniutes into the class.

I'm having her sit for 11+ admissions this year for grammar schools. I've been prepping her, she's doing well. These exams are super competitive especially for the best grammar schools, and we are out of catchment for some of them so that makes it even more competitive for us. So naturally I've set up a fairly strict regimen for her, and am pushing her.

My husband thinks I'm not letting her be a child, and will sometimes try to swoop in and tell her its ok just relax. That makes me so angry like I know its ok, she knows its ok, we're just trying our best. She's so talented, and some of these schools are considered a pipeline to Oxbridge. It makes it seem like I'm an evil mother, and I've told him about this in private, and he says I care more about this than she does. But I care about it because I care about her, she's my daughter, I want the best for her. His sister's daughter also goes to my daughter's current school, and she's also been lamenting that her daughter will lose out on her cousin. First, my daughter and her cousin are not bffs, and also why is this supposed to be a factor. But my husband brings this point up in our arguments as well. I feel like I'm being criticized for wanting the best for my girl. AITA?

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Hey former "gifted kid" here, what you're doing is pushing her into an early burnout and a need for therapy because of her perfectionism and people pleasing. It's one thing to encourage her but your husband is right, she also needs to just be a kid. You need to let her know it's ok if it doesn't happen the way you're planning. It also sounds like you perhaps don't know your daughter as well as you think. It sounds like she's likely said things to her dad, cousin, or aunt that's causing this push back against your over zealousness. Maybe not but they're not wrong to pump your brakes. I had a mom just like you, and well she's been dead for 15 years now and I haven't missed her for one second in all those years. Something to think about there. Soft YTA because you have time to fix this.

Comment 2:

Soft and unintentional YTA, from a grammar school girlie!!

I went to a grammar. It’s not a pipeline to Oxford lol. It’s a great school and helps you do well (I’m applying for PhD funding rn!) but it’s not an Oxford pipeline.

Grammars are not the same as I went like 15 years ago. You do need to be tutored to get in because EVERYONE is now (I got top 20 score in my year group of thousands, not tutors just did a few practice tests right before LOLZ) , however if your child can’t get in on tutoring a few times a week and maybe a bit of extra work daily on their weak points if you really want to closer to the time, they aren’t smart enough to go and they WILL struggle when they’re there because they’re highly competitive and pushy environments with a lot of straight A* without revision kids and a lot of 3hr a day studying kids.

Let your kid have a childhood. Yes she should study. But don’t tutor her for a school she wouldn’t get into, that’s not the point. Tutor her to support her w the test but comprehensives are great options for hard working students. I love grammars, I loved my school and it set me up so well, but putting your child through a crazy regimen is not good for them❤️

OP (downvoted):

Thank you so much for your comment. It's not even that I have the mindset of getting into grammar school is the end-all be-all. It's just as her mother I can't not have tried to do something for her that would open doors for her later. I just want to make sure I'm giving her the opportunities she deserves by giving this our best shot. The results will happen as they happen, I'm confident she'll do well no matter what.

Comment 3:

INFO what does your daughter want? she is old enough to have some say in her own destiny. I was very driven as a kid but also wasn't pushed a ton by my parents -- I pushed myself mostly but had help getting started some of the time. Does your daughter want you to push her? What is really behind your husband's objections -- is it sexism that girls can't be driven and high achieving OR is he right in that your daughter doesn't want to be that competitive?

You "wanting the best" isn't really relevant. That's a feeling but shouldn't dictate anyone's life. If your daughter wants the best, by all means, continue. If she doesn't, ease up some -- she will find her own path in life and is way less likely to burn out if its her own choice even if its not "the best".

OP (downvoted):

My daughter understands that these schools are competitive, they standard of education is higher, and will be more suited to her. She does want to do well, she wants this too.

Comment 4:

INFO: how strict is the regimen and how much are you pushing her? How much time does she have left for relaxation and fun?

OP (downvoted):

We do two hours of practice on weekdays, and 3 hours on weekends. We do practice tests, identify which areas she didn't score as high in, and practice on those topics in particular on the weekend. She goes to her friend's house, I definitely do not want her social life to be affected I know how important that is.

Comment 5:

INFO:

What does 'pushing her' look like? Is she reading a chapter of a preparation book each week? Is she doing hours of practice exams a day? Can she go and see friends or to clubs at any point in the week? Does she have free time daily and if so, how much?

OP (downvoted):

We're doing 2 - 2.5 hours of practice tests. And yes, she can and does. If she has a birthday party to attend I take her there, I know that's important too. I'm not a drill sergeant about it, I'm just trying for us to have structure.

Comment 6:

INFO: is your daughter your retirement plan?

OP (downvoted):

Absolutely not.

OP was voted YTA

Update - October 14th 2026

Her 11+ result came out yesterday and she smashed it out of the park! Her adjusted weighted score is so comfortably above the cutoff for the school we were aiming for. She's so delighted, she's worked so incredibly hard for this, and she was all smiles yesterday. We celebrated as a family yesterday and although there's a year left for when she actual enters grammar school we were just excitedly discussing with her yesterday about what it would be like.

I'm going to chill out from hereon and have faith in the process. I'd spoken to some people and apparently if you clear the threshold, especially the way she did, year 7 at least is a piece of cake. I understand why I got the AH verdict I got last time, and I'm going to let her be a kid more. I understand her workload the past year has been rigorous, and I'm going to step back and trust her to be able to manage herself more, allow her to delve into whatever piques her interest, develop her social life on her terms more. Thank you!

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

NTA, as long as she is fine. Husband and SIL are being weird. SIL defo jealous and trying to drag your daughter down.

Comment 2:

Speaking as one who was a "gifted kid" and later raised four kids identified as "gifted and talented"...I will offer you one piece of advice.

Give your kids \balance\**.

If you allow them to define themselves by their grades, test scores, talents, and/or achievements, they will inevitably hit a wall. Teach/show them that, in the end, the person they become will be far more important than will be anything they might do on a test, athletic field, or competition stage along the way.

Give them time to be a kid. Help them explore skills/talents that aren't tied to academics. Let them do things just because they're fun. As they grow older, give them more decision-making power over their activities and obligations.

If you can teach them that balance - AND let them take the reins of their future as they show you they're ready to do so - they'll be fine.

Comment 3:

If she doesn’t get straight A’s every semester, make sure you don’t fall back on old habits and start preventing her from being a kid like you did before. It’s great that she got in. I’m sure she is very bright. But it’s good that you’ve recognized she needs to have more free time that she wants to do. When I was in school, my mother forced me to give up reading books I liked every time I didn’t get straight A’s and only focus on studying. I rarely visit or call her now.

Comment 4:

Congrats to your beautiful little girl. I think your husband and sister-in-law is a little bit out of line and possibly jealous. I'm not saying that in a negative way, it's just what I'm thinking.
Also give her time to be the little kid she needs to be, as this is as important as also education.
Your daughter should be very proud of herself but also be careful because you do have another child. Sometimes jealousy is not just with adults.

OP:

Thank you. Yes, the commenters weren't wrong about that. She has a great personality, makes friends easily, and I'm going to give her more room from now on.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Snoo_61002

Originally posted to r/AITAH

BoRUs: #1, #2, #3

[New Updates]: AITA for getting annoyed at my SIL dying of cancer ruining my wedding?

Editor’s Note: changed letters to names for readability

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/soayherder + u/DirectCaterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU. Thanks to u/Immortal_Jellyfish_0 for letting me know about the latest updates

Trigger Warnings: abuse, verbal abuse, golden child dynamics, gaslighting

Editor’s Note: due to the lengths of older posts, they have exceeded the character limits. I created TL;DRs for original and older update posts. This is to fit all of the posts in this latest BoRU here. For full text and relevant comments from older posts, see previous BoRUs linked

RECAP / TL;DRs

Original Post: June 22, 2024

In the original post, OOP is getting ready to get married to their partner (Alice). Alice’s sister (Beth) has terminal cancer who was originally expected to die years prior. This has caused emotional byes, but Beth unexpectedly survived longer and moved to be closer to family in the area. Weeks before the wedding, Beth got another devastating prognosis and informed relatives that this might be the last time everyone will see her.

Because of this, the attention went from the couple and wedding events toward Beth's illness. OOP feels conflicted because the family’s sympathy is very deep with Beth's situation, but OOP is frustrated that the wedding has been overshadowed because Beth asked that the wedding talks to be avoided around her and wanting to have an emotional father/daughter dance at the reception to make up for missing it at Beth's COVID-era wedding.

OOP has refused Beth's request and asked that similar boundaries to be applied to the discussions of Beth's illness. OOP was being called insensitive and they wonder if they were in the wrong for wanting the wedding to remain focused on the couple despite Beth’s devastating circumstances.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA  

Update #1: July 8, 2024 (over two weeks later)

OOP explains Beth (SIL) has continued creating lots of tensions before the wedding was to take place including excluding a guest over personal disagreements and trying to persuading younger family members to skip the pre wedding family events that OOP and their partner paid for.

After seeing what was going on from Beth's manipulating, OOP had a firm line, told the family that any medical issues would be handled immediately, but if there are drama or attention-seeking behavior (especially from Beth) at the wedding would result in removing Beth from the event.

Once the expectations were clear, and MIL was to keep an eye on Beth, the wedding went well that the couple had hoped for. Other than a minor car accident caused by Beth, there were no major issues firing up at the wedding. Alice was well celebrated and the attention was focused on OOP and Alice.  

AITAH for completely cutting off my dying SIL and telling her family not to contact me?: July 13, 2024 (five days later)

OOP shares an update regarding dealing with the wedding drama involving their SIL, Beth. Since the wedding was a success, but tensions have gone up afterwards when OOP witnessed verbal abusing his now wife, Alice and younger SIL during a family gathering. OOP saw the emotional abuse that Alice described that went on for months which were much worse than what he thought it was.

Beth has isolated Alice from the family activities, manipulated everyone else into spending less time with the couple. She has repeatedly portrayed Alice as selfish as Alice has tried to help support the family due to Beth's illness. With this taking place, it hit a breaking point that Alice came home to OOP very devastated and had considered about driving off the bridge because of how Beth's treatment has hurt her.

Because of this, OOP sent a blunt message, accusing the family of enabling SIL's behaviors because of her illness. OOP decided to cut contact with the family until Beth has apologized to Alice that Beth to be held accountable for her actions. The family didn't take this very well and said OOP was being too harsh, but he has held up the firm boundaries to protect Alice who must come first.  

WIBTAH for getting involved in the fights between my SIL and her little sister and mother?: July 25, 2024 (nearly two weeks later)

In this update, OOP recapped the conflict with his SIL, Beth, who is terminally ill. The conflict appeared to be resolved after a family meeting was set up. When discussing, relatives has realized that Beth's behaviors towards others were unacceptable and Beth has apologized to OOP and Alice for her treatment of them. After that, Beth has been more kinder and respectful toward her sister, Alice. OOP had considered this issue resolved for now.

Later on, OOP has learned from his MIL and younger / little SIL (LSIL) that Beth has redirected her abusive behaviors toward them now instead of Alice. From MIL and LSIL, Beth has continued with her screaming, gaslighting by denying things she has very obviously said, belittling LSIL despite her accomplishments. Beth was using her son as a way of leverage to control family members. MIL and LSIL live far away from Beth and might not see her again, they felt trapped because of Beth's behaviors.

After hearing what happened, OOP worried that if he intervened this situation, the matters would be much worser than OOP thought it would go for.  

AITAH for not forgiving my dying SIL?: October 2, 2024 (2.5 months later)

OOP explains he is struggling with whether he is wrong for not wanting to forgive his sister-in-law, Beth, who is dying of cancer. To recap, OOP's wife, Alice, has asked that they get engaged and being able to have Beth present at the wedding despite her illness.

After initially recovering from the so called terminal illness, Beth relapsed shortly before OOP's wedding, refused further treatment, and became verbally abusive toward Alice, deliberately creating the conflict, manipulating family members, and casting the lasting shadow over their wedding.

Although Beth has apologized and regrets her behavior, she is now nearing the end of her life and has asked Alice to hold her hand during euthanasia, so she does not die alone. Alice wants OOP to forgive her sister so she can pass away peacefully, but OOP remains deeply hurt and angry about the lasting emotional damage caused by Beth's actions and feels unable to offer forgiveness OOP does not genuinely feel.

Other family members who were also mistreated share similar feelings regarding Beth. OOP asks whether he is wrong for being unable to forgive his SIL, Beth, before she dies, despite understanding her circumstances and remorse.  

AITAH for threatening to call the police on my SIL?: October 28, 2024 (3.5 weeks later)

OOP asked whether he overreacted by threatening to call the police during a confrontation with his terminally ill sister-in-law, Beth. OOP's wife, Alice, who has rheumatoid arthritis, spent 16 hours helping prepare her sister’s son’s fifth birthday party, while OOP cooked dinner for the family after work. Beth repeatedly picked major fights with relatives, belittled Alice’s pain, and criticized his help.

When OOP defended his wife, Beth threatened to involve her husband, whom she described as capable of extreme violence, and warned that things would get ugly. After Beth repeated the threat, OOP offered her a choice between involving his protective dog and calling the police, hoping to prevent a physical altercation that could jeopardize his career as a chaplain and future plans for the priesthood.

This incident has caused a major family dispute, with relatives accusing OOP of overreacting because Beth is physically frail and suggesting that having the police involvement could lead to deportation due to the family’s visa statuses. OOP believes he was protecting Alice and trying to avoid violence, but he is now questioning whether his response was justified, particularly given Beth’s terminal illness and the potential consequences for her family.  

AITAH for not supporting/caring about my SIL (who has cancer) during her separation?: May 12, 2025 (nearly seven months later)

In this post, OOP described a multi-year pattern of abusive behavior by his sister-in-law, Beth, who has repeatedly mistreated OOP's wife, Alice, undermined their wedding and marriage, and allegedly manipulated family members with fabricated stories here and there.

After witnessing the abuse escalate to threats of violence, OOP established the firm boundaries that Beth is not welcome in their home. Now Beth is dealing with the fact that her husband is leaving her because of her treatment of their five-year-old son, Alice wants to reconnect with her sister out of love, compassion, and a desire to support her during this difficult time. OOP refuses, fearing further abuse, manipulation, and potential damage to his career and reputation, and responds bluntly that Beth must live with the consequences of her actions.

With this, it has upset Alice, who believes OOP can show kindness without stooping to her sister’s level and feels saddened that her sister has never visited their new home. OOP asked whether he is wrong for maintaining the boundaries and refusing to welcome someone he considers very harmful, despite her terminal illness and Alice’s desire for reconciliation.  

AITA for getting annoyed at my SIL dying of cancer ruining my wedding?: June 14, 2026 (13 months later)

OOP’s SIL, Beth, has a long history of emotionally abusing his wife and other family members, especially with her refusing to apologize, and using her cancer diagnosis to gain sympathy and avoid accountability.

Whenever someone else stands up to her (beside OOP), the family guilt-trips them into forgiving her, often using the excuse that they’ll regret it when she dies. Beth also uses her five-year-old son as leverage, threatening to withhold access to him unless family members comply with her demands.

After another argument led to OOP’s wife being cut off from her nephew, OOP told his wife to go completely no contact with her sister and her family until Beth passes away, arguing that the ongoing cycle is damaging and needs to end.

Although OOP feels terrible for his wife and nephew, he is exhausted from watching his wife repeatedly get hurt and wants to protect their peace, so he’s asking Reddit whether he’s the asshole for encouraging his wife to walk away permanently.  

----OLD NEW UPDATES----

Editor’s note: the next two updates are over two months old, and they have not been posted here onto the sub

WIBTAH for reporting my SIL's cancer give-a-little?: August 16, 2026 (two months later)

Contextual background: My SIL is a nightmare, and it has been a long saga. She is an abusive narcissist, and she was diagnosed with cancer 5 years ago and has since made life a living hell for the entire family. She's abused all of my in laws, my wife, and her son. Whenever the focus isn't on her, she suddenly has a flare up of cancer and "this could be the final one". She and I had a massive falling out when she abused my wife in front of me and I stood up to her. She really, really doesn't like me, but I think it's because I see completely through her games and the party line she has used on all the other family members doesn't work on me, and no longer works on my wife (you'll regret fighting with me when I'm dead, you'll wish we had a good relationship, but it will be too late).

Her most recent flare up she drove her father back into debt he had just climbed out of so she could have a hospital stay she, frankly, didn't need. He enables her, this is a different issue. She has a port-a-cath that apparently dislodged and needed minor surgery to put back into place. She racked up a bill with an optional hospital stay and made it as clear as possible to everybody that she was in hospital and "this might be it".

Now, after that minor surgery and another one to come with a couple of lumps to remove, she will be cancer free.

There is a give-a-little page that, again to cut a long story short, is centered around "SIL's battle to spend her remaining time with her son (5)". The whole rhetoric is painting her as a strong, loving person who is battling to spend time with her son while she dies of cancer, and that they need money for surgery.

She has had the surgery, and it isn't costing anywhere near the amount the give-a-little is fundraising. The target amount is substantial (roughly USD $30,000) but the surgery and stays have already been paid and covered. Additional to this, to be completely blunt, she treats her son terribly and doesn't really spend time with him.

The give-a-little really doesn't sit well with me, to the point where I honestly feel like it's a scam. SIL is debilitated, and frail, granted. But it's absolutely nothing like it is presented. She's about to be cancer free, but she's still "fighting for time with her son" for some reason. She has not announced to anyone she will be cancer free, we found out through in laws. It has been kept very hush hush. The give-a-little was set up during her hospital stay.

I want to report the give-a-little, but my wife and I are conflicted about it. Because SIL fought, it feels like it would be petty. I also know they do need financial support for a bunch of reasons (immigrants, she can't work, her hubby doesn't make great money) and that the loss of support will impact her son. But the whole thing feels like a scam to me. I'm wondering do I just leave it be and if people are stupid enough to fall for it then that's on them, or should I do something about this? And, inevitably, when they figure out it was either my wife or I who reported it, WIBTAH?

Editor's note: OOP made lots of responses in this post, I am listing few for more context

Some Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA, but would it help her son if she had it? People donate at their own risk. She's not 100% lying, just stretching the truth as she hasn't yet had that final surgery. And do you know for a fact that she won’t pay back her dad? These are the questions I'd ask myself.

And there's no such thing as cancer free. It's called remission. Cancer is a chameleon that can hide anywhere at any time in your body once it's found. It only takes one cell.

OOP: Yeah this is the strange thing. She has told us (the family, and before we fell out) that she can be cancer free but will never be in remission. So I don't 100% know what's going on there.

She won’t pay back her dad, he wouldn't allow it anyway. Historically when she's done go fund me or give-a-little she's used it to take a holiday somewhere (like a two week alpine/ski trip. I don't think she did much skiing though, to be clear.) So I think it will go to her sons necessities like school uniform and books, but I couldn't honestly tell you what she'd do with the rest.

OOP explains more about Beth's family background (along with Alice's) and was suggested to another sub for more support

OOP: Thanks for that, it must have automatically switched to that when they changed how messaging works.

And you're actually spot on. She was raised by their abusive mother, and when they were kids the dad was abusive too. They can take off them both and lived with their wealthy grandad who spoiled them rotten. But this is valuable insight into cancer, and I appreciate you taking the time to explain it to me and not cuss me out and call me a liar like one of the people below 😂.

She apparently sees a therapist but I'm not sure what to believe any more. She has told so many lies its obfuscates the entire situation. But I'm going to read through that sub now and see what value I can garner from it, thank you.

Why is OOP staying in contact with someone like Beth?

OOP: We're not in contact. Wife's family won't stop bombarding us with this stuff, even though we've told them to stop many times. It’s all in the context link.

OOP clarifies details on Beth's cancer and her behaviors

OOP: She definitely has cancer, and definitely has fought it on and off for the last 5 years. But she has also been objectively abusive. We have not always been like this, there was a time we were close.

Things started to fall apart when I sorted out a hospice stay for her through professional contacts, but then they turned around and said she didn't need hospice treatment, she needed support with a fentanyl addiction. Then she started accusing us of prying, and she accused hospice of lying and went on a public rampage to bring down their reputation.

And when my wife was trying to help her with her son’s birthday party she accused her of trying to steal him, of trying to replace her when she's dead, and screamed a long list of expletives at her.

It's hard to summarize the whole saga, but we have tried and tried to make a relationship work. She also called us selfish for getting married while she was dying, and accused me of "stealing my wife from her".

I've said below, but I'm happy to answer any questions quite frankly.

Commenter 2: Need some info: how much money have they actually raised so far?

Also, is there any chance that the money from fundraiser will be used to actually support her son? If you think about it 30,000 is roughly an average years’ salary to survive on. So if it's going to be used to make little man's next year of life easier while mom recovers from cancer, then I say leave it alone

If your SIL is just going to blow it on herself and luxuries, then report it.

OOP: So far they've raised about $2500USD. I think a portion of it will be spent on him, on school fees and needs. But historically when she did a give-a-little she used it to go on an alpine trip/tour for two weeks.

OOP explains more about the pattern with Beth’s cancer and the family events

OOP: So, for clarity, all of the information and terminology is second hand from her. She doesn't allow any family members into her appointments or consultations with specialists - not even her husband or father. And the amount of people who have dealt with cancer intimately commenting and saying the terminology doesn't make sense actually just raises another red flag to me, but that's beside the point.

The best clarification I have for your question (after below conversations) is that, yes, her cancer has gone into remission several times. She has had surgery previously to have it removed, and she has had a course of chemo, and then twice it has come back and then just gone (again, this is a summary of her claims). But, for whatever reason, we've noticed a pattern. Any time there is a big celebration (our wedding, FIL's 50th, BIL's 18th) the cancer shows itself a couple of months before hand while we're all preparing for the event.

Because I am jaded and don't like her I try to ignore this pattern and give her the benefit of the doubt. But she told us she was given 3 months (which was strange in of itself, because usually doctors won’t commit to a time) 5 years ago. And then twice within the 5 years she's been "given 6 months at most". It’s really hard to sift through the absolute volume of BS that comes out though, and she peppers just enough truth in there to give herself the card of "How dare you not believe me!" when she needs to. She's really, really clever to be honest.

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She's had surgery on her throat, so lymphoma I would have to guess?

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Oh she definitely has cancer, I'm certain of that. For the past 5 years her cancer has been her trump card. She abuses someone, and then either says "Fine stop talking to me if you want but you'll regret it when I'm dead" or she'll gas light and say it was just an argument. But when someone tries to hold her accountable she usually ends up screaming, crying, and shouting. And whenever someone asks her questions about her cancer she screams at them.  

My SIL is completely lying about dying of cancer, but if I tell anyone it'll blow up the entire family.: August 23, 2026 (one week later)

Apologies, but I don't know if this is the right sub.

This has been going on for 5 years. My SIL is an abusive narcissist, and we fell out hard when she moved from her country to ours to "die in peace with her family". She and I fought when I stepped in and protected my wife from her abuse. For the past 5 years she has taken the entire family on a destructive roller coaster. She has:

- Made my wife suicidal and told her to take her own life.

- Made my FIL suicidal and constantly tells him he was a terrible dad and will never make it up to her (so that he keeps trying). He's now deep in debt trying to prove his love to her.

- Made my Grandad-in-law travel "to say goodbye to her" even though he has a heart problem that makes travel really dangerous (2 years ago now, he ended up hospitalized needing heart surgery).

- Tried to tear down my public profile and reputation because of the fight she and I had.

- Is currently trying to fundraise $30,000USD to "fight for every day she can with her son" he she screams at and belittles and tells him he'll regret being naughty when she's dead (he's 6, he's only ever known her to have cancer).

- Constantly degrades and belittles my character to anybody who will listen, including the in laws.

Regardless, through all of this, she has had medical professionals diagnosing her. It is a truth that she has/had cancer. She has told people she has a collapsed lung, that it's spread to her brain, and that it is impossible for her to ever be cancer free. She refuses to let anyone sit in on her medical appointments and controls information incredibly tightly.

However, it is a truth that she went into remission (though she has told everyone this is impossible and called it a miracle, the cancer was definitely not in her lungs and brain). The reality was I used my professional contacts to get her into a hospice stay for free under the premise that she was dying (it should've cost thousands, but I agreed to do some work for them). They sorted her out pretty quick, said she had a fentanyl addiction that was killing her, held her for 3 weeks while monitoring, and discharged her. I did this because, ultimately, though we do not at all like each other I figured it was the right thing to do, and just leaving her to die didn't sit well with me.

Now cancerous lumps have returned. Now she needs surgery to remove those lumps, and she will be in remission again (another miracle). The problem is that the surgery is going to cost roughly $2500USD and they don't have that.

We don't talk, she calls me everything under the sun and more to everyone around her, and she tells people I abused her and her son when I stood up to her (we argued, her son wasn't even there).

BUT STILL, because I'm a f*cking idiot, I tried to help her. I contacted hospice again asking if there was anything they could do to support the surgery, and their response was (I believe accidentally) a bombshell confirmation. The long/short was their response was "We can't help her because she's not terminal, nor does she reach the threshold required for support from us or our community contacts". For 5 years she has described herself as terminal. For 5 years whenever anybody has stood up to her, not done what she wants, or taken her spotlight, she has abused them and said, "You'll regret it when I'm dead". Every. Time. Someone's birthday? Medical problem. Our wedding? Medical problem. Every birthday her son has is styled as "SIL's last birthday with son". FIL's 50th? Over shadowed by medical appointments and problems.

I want to tell the family, but I know for sure it will only end in complete and utter destruction. Every time we've tried to hold her accountable, she completely lies and manipulates her way out of it, and they fall for it every single time. She bats her eye lids and talks about not having a future and they get sucked in.

So now I know, 100% for sure, she is nowhere near as sick as she is telling people. She's not terminal. And while I confess I don't know the complexities of cancer well, the ease with which she lies has made it impossible for any of us to know or understand. I am not heartless toward cancer and the destruction this disease causes. I have buried far too many loved ones now because of it. But I also think that makes me angrier. For the past 5 years she's destroyed her family on the premise that she has terminal cancer, and I only now have concrete evidence that it's not. But I can't tell anyone because of the social fall out and the absolute hell it will cause to everyone I love.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: It sounds like everyone is enabling her. You rob them of the opportunity to hold her accountable by withholding the truth though

OOP: The problem is we've given them the truth repeatedly. There have been times when we've caught her in her lies, what she has claimed to have happened is impossible, we tell them, and they go "Well she's not well and it will be affecting her brain". The truth has never meant anything to them, and every time we've pointed it out to them she has painted it as us having a problem with her. She is master manipulator of turning her wrong doings into "he said/she said" or "it's just a disagreement". She lies as easily as she breathes, and honestly I think none of them have the energy to hold her accountable. If I tell them this it will be painted as petty or vindictive revenge, and she will lie about hospice. She already has, she paints medical professionals who don't tell her story as liars who don't take her seriously.

Commenter 2: Refuse to acknowledge or engage with her. Refuse to discuss her with family members and they will soon get used to it. Call CPS about the way she treats her poor little son and let them know she's faking illness. It could be a psychiatric condition.

OOP: I think she has one, if not multiple, of:

Borderline Personality Disorder (maybe)

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (definitely)

Bi-Polar (don't think so)

Something else (almost certainly)

They don't talk about her with me, they know better by now, but they constantly harass my wife to make amends. They're forever telling her, "it was just a fight" and to "move on and forgive". The problem is they didn't have a fight, SIL abused my wife. As in screamed in her face, swore at her, and called her a long list of cruel things while claiming I, her husband, am "stealing my wife from her". She's deeply possessive and jealous of anybody around her, and she has to be their no.1 priority. She's tried to break up her father and stepmother many times now.

CPS was called on her for her son, but they want really soft on her because of the cancer story. She then accused everyone of trying to steal her son before she was dead and replace her as his parent. It's fucked.

Commenter 2: I don't mean to be harsh, but you are not responsible for SIL. You are, however, responsible for allowing her and her actions to mess with your life.

Firstly, if SILs son is suffering it's your job as an adult to protect him. Call CPS today. Tell them the truth about the cancer and the child abuse and don't allow them to back off until you know he is safe.

Secondly, self-diagnosing SIL solves nothing. She's not your problem.

Third, ask your wife not to engage with SIL or family members who harass her and explain why. If she then chooses to ignore your advice - which she is entitled to do - that's on her. Let her fight her own fights and don't get drawn into it in any way.

I appreciate this might not be easy when you are used to SIL's rudeness and drama being given a lot of attention in your family. SIL probably loves it, but you need to protect your peace. The way to achieve this is to cut her out of your life, stay away from her and refuse to listen to any talk of her.

OOP: You give a lot of valuable advice. CPS is a fruitless endeavor at this point, we went to them with the blunt and honest truth but in our country our child protective services don't actually hold a huge amount of power. They can only act on tangible evidence, and neither SIL's husband nor child will be honest with them. And nobody else has enough access. We've tried CPS, and granted we will probably try again, but its relentlessly unproductive.

Wife came to the brink of cutting them off just recently actually. The problem is - as you indicate - her choice is to continue to engage with them. But she doesn't have many friends, and her family are her people, which makes it all the more difficult. But I agree this is self-inflicted because I tried to help SIL. I'm just trying to do what's right, it sucks horribly that trying to do the right thing seems to only ever result in more issues and drama.

Commenter 3: I’m so sorry. Weep for the wreckage. Addiction does terrible things to a person’s sense of morality. I wish more families were better educated about that aspect of addiction, so they wouldn’t be as gullible.

OOP: Thank you, and I completely agree. She's telling everyone she's dying, but honestly she just sit arounds smoking/consuming weed.  

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Throwaway341223

I [33F] with my fiance [33 M] of 3 years, found out he settled for me. Really confused on how to proceed.

TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity, misogyny

Original Post  Jan 5, 2016

My fiance (Tom) and I have been together 3 years, engaged only 1 week ago. One of fiance's closest friends Adam has never liked me, this is probably Adam is really flirtatious with every girl he meets, taken or not and sleeps around a lot.

When Tom first introduced me to his friends Adam flirted pretty heavily with me but I told him I was here with his friend and it was inappropriate. Tom found out later about this and seemed amused because Adam flirts with everyone because that's just Adam but seemed to appreciate me telling him to back off.

Ever since then Adam and I have had a kind of strained but civil relationship. Adam isn't creepy and he did back off but he still flirts heavily with his friend's SOs to the point of complimenting their breasts or butts but he gets away with it because he's charming, rich, has a lot of sex and always hosts parties and things and lends his friends shiny new toys or lets them stay at various holiday houses or buys expensive booze. I know because he talks a lot about all this when it's just me and the guys at my fiance's because I live there most days of the week but my job requires some out of state travel every week and I still have my own apartment that I bought but rent out rooms.

About a week and a bit ago I 'rescued' my SO's dog from a fire that started on his neighbors property because my SO was out of town and also got his laptop and a few other heirlooms out. In the end the fire was contained to the neighbor's property except for the fence so I didn't do anything really but there was a lot of smoke so I took his dog to the vet and everything was fine and by the time my SO got a flight back things were sorted.

2 days after that, on New Years Eve before we headed out for a party at Adam's place, my fiance proposed saying that he'd always known I was the one but this made him realize that he wanted to start this year knowing next year we'd be married. I said yes and spent two days estatic.

Then Adam called me out of the blue saying he needed to talk. He told showed me text messages from 3 years ago talking about how Tom had settled for me because this really super beautiful girl that he'd slept with a few times had ended up starting a relationship with someone else and stopped seeing him. The messages talk about how she's the one and when he met me, I was "no Megan but not bad" but I seemed keen and marriage material. They talk for months about how much hotter Megan is and even made fun of me for telling Adam off the first time because Adam would never date his friend's SOs like that but kind of condescendingly acknowledged that it was a "good sign I wouldn't cheat" even though I seemed a bit bitchy.

Then Tom started going on about how I had an unusually high libido because I had surprised him with sex or intatied quite frequently and got the congratulatory high five from Adam but again, not flattering to me, Tom made a remark about how I must have been around the block and he didn't usually like "used goods" but sex was worth it. This was over the course of half a year, 2 years ago.

They kind of peeter out into generic relationship stuff about how he can't come out because he's got plans with me etc and then Adam talks about how whipped he is etc.

About a day ago Tom sent Adam a really excited text about how Megan was single and seemed interested in him with Facebook screenshots of the conversation. She'd initiated messaging after he'd posted a sympathetic comment on her relationship status change from a week ago (looks like it happened over Christmas) and she messaged him. No where when she asked what was new did he mentioned he was engaged. She talks about the good times and confesses she should of chosen him. He admits he was devastated too and thought they were good together and still no mention of me.

The caption on the screenshots was "What do you think?" and "She's into me!" Adam has responded with "Hell yeah! I think you have a chance" Etc. No mention of me at all. Tom's responded with "I know right?" Nothing further.

I was pretty upset at this point so Adam left because I asked. I then logged into Tom's Facebook by guessing the password because he told me his email one once when he didn't have access to the Internet so I sent something to his accountant about taxes.

They go on to make plans to catch up in a week when I'll be out of town and she's maybe flying in to catch up with people and look at moving back after her break up. He pokes fun at her current city and tells her she should move back and let him know if she needs anything and she tells him he's sweet but she has to go now. She's initiating all this but he's not shutting anything down or even telling her he's engaged. Up till this point I've never even heard about Megan or met her.

They don't seem to have much more Facebook messages before that except for 3 years ago. Looks like she didn't contact him while she was seeing this other guy.

I've been staying at my place citing maintenance stuff and just replying to texts but I feel really numb. I called Adam and asked him why he told me all this when he didn't even like me and was going behind Tom's back. He told me it was the right thing to do by me and that Tom should be with Megan, he was clearly still into her and I could do better, wasn't I grateful he didn't stay silent about this before I married him? He said I may as well hear it from him because I didn't like him anyway.

I said thanks for letting me know and that I had a lot to think about.

I am so confused, I feel used, upset and like the last 3 years is a lie. I feel like breaking up with Tom but then I'm also still weirded out by Adam and his motives. I have no idea what to do.

Update  Jan 23, 2016 (18 Days Later)

I have had the weirdest few weeks ever.

I didn't go back to Tom's place after that revelation and just cited work and plumbing issues at the houses and then left for my work trip. The only time I did see him was in group things and just a few car rides and stuff.

Before I left, I messaged Megan on Facebook and told her that Tom was engaged to me, he'd just proposed a few days ago, the rest was up to her.

Megan never responded and as far as I can see, never seen saw the message.

Adam also texted and called me asking when I was going to break up with Tom. I was really suspicious of him so I just told him that I was still thinking about things and that I'd figure something out when I got back. Adam then called me telling me that these guys were users and leeches and Tom was no exception, he was just using me. I told him that I wasn't going be collateral in whatever beef he had with his friends and besides, he let them leech off him for so many years anyway.

I ignored him after that. I still don't know what's going on inside his head.

I decided to let the date happen and come back from my trip early without telling Tom to break up with him.

This is were things got a bit crazy.

Friday when the date was scheduled to occur, I got a call from Megan who had arrived, caught up with some mutual acquaintances and found out that Tom was engaged. She then got my phone number off them and call me to tell me that my "fiance" was cheating on me.

I told her I already knew and told her to check her FB. She said it was sweet of me to warn her and how much it would have hurt and I told her she was really decent for letting me know and she then told me I deserved better.

Apparently her last relationship also ended due to cheating so she was really furious at her ex, Tom and men in general and we ended up talking for ages. I even jokingly said that I could see why Tom was so into her, because she was really pretty and kind and then she told me Tom was an idiot for ruining something with me and the only thing he had going was good taste in women.

I was really expecting the worst from her but she really surprised me with how decent she was.

So then I told her not to cancel the date, I was coming back early anyway and let's surprise him by both walking into together. She really loved that idea too, I think mostly because she was mad at her ex and here was Tom being scummy so we agreed she'd her friend who'd picked her up, meet me at the airport.

Then I'm not sure what happened but a few hours I was due to board my flight, I get a text from Tom telling me he missed me and asked if there was anyway I could finish my trip early because he wanted to talk to me.

I then got a call from Megan about 15 minutes later saying that Tom had cancelled the date and she sent me this long screenshot of him explaining that he was actually engaged but had been really attracted to her but he was doing the wrong thing in terms of his relationship and they shouldn't see each other because it wouldn't be right and apologized for making her come down.

Megan apparently didn't come down for Tom, she was just going to catch up on her original trip so she was pissed off that he'd even think that she came down for him.

The way it was phrased made it seem like he wouldn't be able to control himself if he was around Megan or something. I really didn't want to see Tom at this point so I told Megan she was out a dinner thanks to me so I'd take her out as a thank you for being a decent person and picking me up at the airport.

Long story short because I don't really remember the rest, I got home, went out to dinner with Megan and we both got blindingly drunk, texted Tom to say I was home. I invited her back to my place were we apparently, according to housemate watching something on Netflix and Tom turned up with flowers.

Megan (really drunk) and my housemate answered the door and there was Tom with flowers. Tom looked really shocked to see Megan there and asked what she was doing here.

Megan apparently told Tom that she lived her now and that we (her and I) were talking about getting married. Apparently, according to housemate, we got home drunk and starting talking about how much easier it would if we got married because men are scum or something and then housemate decided, hey it's Friday night, and started drinking too.

Anyway, housemate yelled to me that "Scummy Tom" was here, I yelled back (I at the throwing up stage of the night) that I didn't want to see him and they shut the door in his face.

He was knocking on the door and calling/texting me, none of which I noticed because I was pretty sick the rest of the night along with Megan and housemate.

Also at some point housemate, I don't know exactly when, who was tipsy and we showed her the FB messages on both phones and we start talking about getting married to each, updated our status to show that Megan and I were engaged. I vaguely remember her doing it, sort of.

This caused a lot of confusion which I woke up to the next day and just ignored everyone because of how hungover I was but eventually deleted/untagged Megan etc and told everyone it was a Facebook hack.

Adam called me, sounding amused when I was hung over or maybe still drunk and asked what that was about and I just told him that Megan thought I was hot and hung up.

Anyway, I text Tom and told him to not contact me for 2 days. Megan left and hung out with her friends and had a good trip.

She's back home now, she's blocked Tom on everything but not before tagging in a pretty mean update. We talk on WhatsApp and she's firmly on the dump him and run wagon.

Tom was pretty miserable, we talked a few days later, I gave him back the ring. He tried to explain that he'd realized his mistake, that he never would have cheated on me because he couldn't go through with it etc

I pointed out that at the start of the relationship he'd told Adam that I was nothing, talking about me like used property. He denied this but I told him that Adam had shown me the texts.

He then told me that Adam had a falling out with the group over some money that was owed to him and this was his way of getting revenge and I said, even if that is true he never forced Tom to talk so degradingly about me or set up a date with an old flame.  He said that he'd grown up since then and he'd thought the world of me and he had cancelled the date so wasn't that a point in his favor and he asked me to come home early because he wanted to tell me himself.

In a moment of pettiness, I told him, I wasn't going to "settle" for a guy like him, that what he did was disgusting, especially since he knew I was away and I couldn't trust him let alone want to marry him.

He insisted that we could work through this. I kind of didn't. Honestly, I really can't tell if he's being sincere or just wanting to save face or hold onto something "safe".

I asked for space and time to think about things because the way he was pushing was driving me away.

It's been a few weeks now, he's been just texting and sending me gifts and stuff. I have been replying pretty generically and saying I wasn't ready.

Megan, I actually talk to more frequently, she's still on the dump him and run bandwagon but admits he's persausive and we have way of really figuring out Tom's intentions because of what he did.

Adam, I heard 3rd/4th hand that he did have a massive blow up in the group about money, doesn't speak to any of them and hates them all.

He texted me about 3 days ago asking if I wanted to catch up.

I am so confused, and there's so much drama. I've mostly been burying myself in work and gym and stuff and not thinking about it. I get that people can change and maybe Tom is honest, I just don't know. I need some distance and objectivity but everything seems really confusing.

TLDR: Still confused.

Final Update  Apr 16, 2016 (3 Months Later)

Basically I met up with Tom and broke up with him.

I don't ever want to be someone's second choice or back up plan, I deserve better.

After I broke things off with Tom he left the ring on my doorstep. I texted him to ask him why, and he said he wanted me to have it, since it was a gift and maybe it would remind him of better days.

I texted back, are you sure you don't want it back, because I don't intended on getting back with you and he left me this massive note the next day going on about how he loved me and that the ring was a gift and a reminder of our potential together and I should reflect on that.

I pawned it and paid for a semester of college for one of the refugee kids I mentor through work since he has a track record of great grades and great motivation. Of course a week after I pawn it, Tom wants the ring back because I guess he realized it wasn't going to happen but I told him I pawned it and I texts and a note from him saying it was a gift.

I have also since gotten a minor promotion, moved house and started seeing someone else that I met at a silent reading party of all things. (it's basically an hour or so of silent reading and then completely voluntary mingling afterwards). It was for me at the time a good compromise between going out and limiting my social interactions given my emotional state.

It's very casual but there's such a difference in how he is with me compared to how Tom was. He's very enthusiastic, answers texts very quickly and uses a lot of exclamation points and emojis and our messages are now walls of text and when he can't send me a wall of text, he says he'll send me a "proper reply" later and then actually follows through which really surprised me. If he or I are busy with work, he'll Skype me even if it's for 10 minutes to say good night or good morning.

We have a lot in common and I really like how I recommended him a book, he read it and then we had a really great discussion about it afterwards. In return, I built a T-Rex with him with something called Nano blocks and he made a joke about how this was practice for assembling Ikea furniture should we get there.

Maybe we'll get there, maybe he'll just be the nicest rebound I ever had but I'm pretty happy for now- it's so nice to have the giddy feeling and diving for your phone every time he texts.

I know part of it is because it's so validating to have someone really into you after everything that went down but I am also doing my best to not rush into anything either.

Meghan is also doing great. I've kept in touch with her and she's dating again using Tinder. We've joked about double dating sometime. We're less bitter now.

Adam and I met of coffee once, he told me he needed to settle down and get married. I told him he couldn't count on a woman to fix him and that I thought he'd make the worst husband ever except for Tom. They haven't spoken since the whole thing. I've since ignored Adam's messages asking to catch up since.

He thinks he was doing me a favor, and he did but he also participated in demeaning talk about me and encouraged Tom to set up that date as well so he's no angel.

Finally, thank you everyone for your supportive and eye opening comments. I've come back to this thread several times to read the comments and thank you for helping me stay productive, stay motivated and move on. It's only been two months but I am in a much better place now.

TLDR: Broke up with Tom, got a minor promotion and started seeing someone new. Thank you Reddit. Hopefully I'll never need to post here again.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/pamperwithrachel

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for telling my boyfriend he can't stay home all day in bed today

Trigger Warnings: abuse, depression

Original Post: October 6, 2026

My (42f) boyfriend (42m) has been dealing with depression for a little over a month now. I've been patient and offered to help anywhere I can and he's averse to medications, so I've offered to get him natural supplements like St John's wort and offered strategies to help him manage it, but he's refused and will not talk to a therapist to try and help. Instead on my days off, he's ended up staying home in bed all day, making it so I can't even keep up on chores because I need the lights on and to make noise to get things done.

Today is my first day off in a week and I really need to catch up on cleaning and laundry, because I've been picking up the slack while he's dealing with it. He said he was going to call out, and I told him absolutely not. If he calls out, he needs to go do something out of the house because I have too much to do for him to be in bed all day today. He got pissed off at me and decided not to call out and just left for work, giving me the silent treatment, which I know is going to continue for the next couple days.

AITAH for telling him he was not staying home in bed today? I've been patient and compassionate, but I can't keep tiptoeing around not getting anything done.

Edit: for anyone who thinks that I don't understand what he's going through, I've dealt with depression for most of my life and I'm in long-term treatment for it. He has been diagnosed with clinical depression many years ago before we even met, and I've dealt with shorter episodes with him before. The problem is this one is lasting much longer and not getting any better and he's not doing anything to work on it, which is pissing me off.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA, but also YTA for putting up with her boyfriend

Relevant Comments

OOP responds to multiple comments that her BF needs to get therapy for his depression

OOP: And I do absolutely understand depression, I deal with it myself I take long-term ssris and when I have breakthrough episodes I call my psychiatrist. And I'm honestly starting to get pissed off that he absolutely will not do anything about it and is making me miserable. He's had depressive episodes before, but they typically only last for a week or two and then he moves forward. This is the longest one that I've dealt with him and I'm losing my patience at this point.

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I am doing that as we speak as his mental health seems to be continuing to worsen and he's taking out every bad thing happening in his life out on me and blaming me for everything wrong between us. If he doesn't get help I'm going to have to kick him out because I don't deserve to be treated this way. I've been supportive but it's his job to get his mental health under his control and that starts by going to the doctor.

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He does have clinical depression, it was diagnosed several years ago, and we've dealt with episodes before, but they typically only last a week or two before he starts to come out of them. This one has been over a month with no improvement and he's still completely resistant to going to a doctor to deal with it. I understand it completely, I deal with depression, but I also take medication for it so that I can manage my life.

Commenter 1: NTA, why are you not doing chores just because he's in bed? Make noise and turn the lights on if needed, he can deal with it.

OOP: I personally deal with depression as well and I'm medicated for it so I only deal with occasional breakthrough episodes that last a week or two until I can talk to my psychiatrist. I've tried to be patient and understanding but we're at a month of this and I can't keep putting shit on hold for him. Because of my own experiences I've tried to be compassionate, but I've run out at this point and have to take care of shit.

Commenter 2: You literally didn't answer the question they ask, though...

Are you claiming not cleaning the house is "compassionate"? I'd argue the opposite.

OOP: The house lights are extremely bright, and I typically listen to heavy metal while I clean which pretty much no one can sleep through.

Can OOP wear headphones when listening to music?

OOP: 99% of headphones that I've tried giving me motion sickness because I have inner ear issues. So I don't use them

OOP explains how she copes with her depression and what she needs to do

OOP: I have what I call my toolbox to deal with my mental health. When I'm really depressed I make a list of the things I need to do, narrow it down to the smallest parts that are absolutely necessary, do those things and then if I have anything left in me I'll move to the next most important thing. Doesn't work every day but it keeps me moving until I can get out of it.

Can OOP move out of the house and live somewhere else?

OOP: It's my house, just a small one but he would be the one who would have to move out in that case. At this point though I'm putting my foot down because he needs to deal with this and I'm tired of trying to help him when he won't do anything about it.

+

It's my house, I don't have any mortgage or anything like that just utilities, so the financial stuff isn't really an issue. And I completely empathize with it too, I've dealt with depression most of my life and I'm in long-term treatment for it. Because I don't want to be depressed all the time, I want to be functional and have a life. And while I can't control breakthrough episodes, I still do everything I can to at least get up and do something, so I don't get stuck. I've done everything I can to be supportive and recommend that he gets help for it but he's just completely resistant to doing anything. We've dealt with it before, but it usually only lasts a week or two and he starts to come out of it and act like himself again. It's been over a month now, nothing is improving and I'm at my wit's end.

How was OOP's boyfriend diagnosed with depression?

OOP: He was diagnosed with it many years ago, but he only deals with it occasionally, so it hasn't been a huge issue up until now. Usually the episodes only last a week or two and then he comes out of it and slowly gets back to normal. This is the first time that nothing is changing or improving, and I can't keep letting everything get behind. I'm picking up the slack because I personally deal with depression and understand, but I am losing my patience at this point.

Before depression, did OOP's boyfriend help out with the chores around the house? and her safety

OOP: He normally does help out, we split laundry and dishes, I do the cooking and he does the deep cleaning in the bathroom and vacuuming and occasionally mopping. So this is not the typical in our relationship outside of his depressive episodes. But usually they only last for a week or two and he starts to come out of them, this is the longest it's lasted and there hasn't been any improvement. It's something I've dealt with too and I'm medicated. I still have breakthrough episodes sometimes, but I push myself to do at least something to keep myself from falling into it too far.

I'm not really worried about my safety, we live in a multi-family home, and I have my support system here when I need a break from him. And if he was any risk to me trust me when I say the family would step in and deal with it. Right now though I am just frustrated in my wits end because I can't keep tiptoeing around, I have too much to do to keep up with things.

+

He will occasionally do dishes if they have filled the sink to the point that there's no space for anything else, but all the other laundry and cleaning has fallen on me for the last month. I deal with depression, I understand what these episodes feel like, but I also get up and figure out what I can accomplish that day. It may not be much, but I work through it. I also take medication for it and only have to deal with these breakthrough episodes once in a while. But I've lost my patient it's at this point, and I need to get things done without him sitting there in the dark and getting pissed off when I turn on the lights to do things.

Does OOP's boyfriend go out for fun? and does he work?

OOP: To be fair he doesn't go out to do fun things either, he just stays at home watching TV and kind of just sitting silently. I've tried to help him, I've tried to make him understand that if he does something and tries to get help it'll get better. He just won't listen to me because he's stuck in the hole.

+

He works at a place that my family knows the folks that run it, purely coincidentally to us meeting and dating though, and I would have heard if that were the case.

How long has OOP known her boyfriend and if that is normal for her to see him depressed?

OOP: I've known him for 3 years and if he were like this normally I would agree with you, but it only gets like this when he has episodes of depression. Again in the past they've lasted a week or two and gotten better this is the first one that isn't.

+

If in the 3 years that I have known him he were usually like this it would be different, but this is out of character and getting worse. I'm going to continue pushing him to get help but if he's not willing I am going to have to reevaluate things.

Update: October 14, 2026 (eight days later)

Update: AITAH for telling my boyfriend he can't stay home all day in bed today

The relationship is over and he's moving out.

I had previously posted an update but with some of the personal details involved, I decided to delete it. He had disappeared Friday for 5 days and today I insisted that he come and have a conversation with me. He did not let me know he was leaving, or where he was going, or even that he was okay and when I asked him about it today, he told me that he didn't tell me because before that I was being a bitch to him. That crossed the line for me, and made me realize that this is not a person I want in my life no matter our history. His depression and his personal struggles regarding the reason for his absence do not excuse his actively trying to punish me by making me worry. I told him to coordinate with my mom who also lives on the property to remove his things, I gave him the information to move off of my phone plan, and I told him that I don't want any further contact and blocked him. It seems he's been staying with a friend since he got back and he can stay there indefinitely, it's not my problem anymore.

I wish the update was better, but I know I'm making the right decision for myself. Better to protect my peace and be single then put up with even another day of being treated that way.

Edit: for those saying I need to get therapy for what's happening, I actually did make an emergency therapy appointment yesterday because I didn't process everything that had happened during the fight immediately.

There was a physical escalation, when I finally started to break down from the argument and start to shut down because my brain was recognizing the lies, I tried to leave the apartment, and he grabbed me to try to restrain me from leaving. I managed to fight my way free got in my car and ran and hid in a parking lot nearby, waiting until my mom let me know that he had left.

I'm processing the escalation into full blown abuse that happened pretty rapidly and I am taking steps to keep myself safe. I've installed security cameras in my apartment and outside, and I'm currently moving all of his belongings to a separate part of the property that won't access my apartment.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Now keep him blocked.

OOP: I did, and told him what he needs to know in order to get the rest of his things and remove himself from my life. And I did tell him that that's the reason why I want no more contact from him.

OOP doesn't need to go back to her ex

OOP: I have no intention of going back. To me that specific action crossed the line into being actively abusive and having grown up with an emotionally and psychologically abusive father it is something that I will not tolerate under any circumstances.

Commenter 2: Good for you, mourn the time, try to have fun. The holidays is a good time to distract yourself - strong decisions, proud of you

OOP: Right now I'm focusing on giving a lot of my attention to my kitten who really loved him. She's going to be mourning him, and I need to make sure that she has all the affection in the world, so she knows that I'll never abandon her

Commenter 3: Self-care is good but so is collecting his stuff and leaving in on the curb with a warning to get it before it is stolen. Don’t have him come back in, leave his shit in a box

OOP: I'd rather do this in a way with someone I trust watching over what he does then go to petty route. Not going to deny that I considered it, but I think this better.

Commenter 3: It’s not petty. It is safe. He disappeared for days solely to cause you pain. What if he thinks of another way to cause you pain? Should he have the opportunity to break something, scare your mother, contaminate food? Once someone decides to hurt you out of spite you do not give them any access to your life.

Petty would be smearing canned tuna on his stuff and then putting it in a box

OOP: He did disappear for a genuine reason that I'm not going to get into details about that was something very painful to him which I understand and would have sympathized with had he not chosen to go this route. My mom is a safe person who can monitor him collecting his things while I'm not here.

Commenter 4: Yeah, don't wait for him to get his stuff out himself, it'll never get done and then you'll be accused of holding his property hostage

Box it, put a time on it, and get it out of your home

OOP: Mom knows I've given him until the end of the month, and I've provided her a copy of my schedule to coordinate this with him so I do not have to be here, and I can keep out of contact.

+

I've actually updated the instructions because there was an escalation during the last fight that makes me feel unsafe with him alone in my apartment and I've made it clear that I will never be alone with him again. There's a room separate from my apartment it doesn't open into it and I'm moving all of his things into that room today so that he will not be in my apartment unmonitored. I've also set up security cameras in my apartment to be on the safe side because I'm genuinely feeling unsafe. I let my mom know that his things will be in that room and that he is not to go into my apartment unsupervised at any time.

OOP needs to change the locks!

OOP: All in progress. There's a roadblock towards it which is personal so I don't want to discuss it, but once things stabilize a little more I will publish a final update.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/howdyadvice

My boyfriend[24m] searches the same girl every day on Facebook.

TRIGGER WARNING: obsessive behavior, cyber stalking, verbal abuse

Original Post  Jan 13, 2016

Hey guys. So I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 and a half years. My problem is that I snooped on his phone and saw that he searches up a girl every day on facebook.

I don't know why I snooped, and I really do feel bad about it. Please don't lecture me on snooping because I already know how bad it is.

What I saw was that he's been looking up the same girl (actually a friend of mine) every day, some times multiple times a day, on facebook. I get it. Creeping people is completely normal. But this? It looks like an obsession. 90% of the people he's looked up in the past few months are just her. It broke my heart to see that. I approached him about it, calmly, and apologized for snooping. I asked him why he looks her up every day. He was mad about the snooping and called me a bitch and then he explained and said the following:

-he looks her up because she's "neat"

-he finds her inspiring because she's following her dreams. (she moved across the country to take dance classes after graduating)

-when we were broken up 7 months ago (broken up for 2 months) he developed a crush for her

He apologized to me, but I feel like I just got cheated on. He's never had a conversation with this girl in his life. He only knows her through me. What hurts the most was him calling her "inspiring". That stung me a lot just because I'm a dancer too. I'm currently in school majoring in computer science, I'm in a dance company in the city, and I'm going to be representing our country for a second time on the Canadian National Dance Team. If anyone's "following their dreams" its me. Im getting and education and pursuing my love of dance all at the same time. Whereas this girl moved thousands of kilometers away to pay thousands of dollars on dance classes. That just stung so much to hear that he looks up to her that way.

The way I see it: I'm not the girl he's looking up on facebook every day. He obviously has her on his mind a lot. I'm obviously not special enough in his eyes.

Should I just end it or will this feeling of not being good enough ever leave?

Tldr: My boyfriend looks up my friend every day on facebook. I want to be thought of in the way he clearly thinks of her.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

eshtive353

Break up and move on. You should be his #1 obsession, not some other girl. You deserve better than this OP.

OOP

Thank you. I needed to hear this.

~

[deleted]

"called me a bitch"

Red flag.

"when we were broken up 7 months ago (broken up for 2 months) he developed a crush for her"

Developed a crush on someone he's never met?  Whom he now looks up several times a day?  That's not a crush, that's an infatuation and it's crossing boundaries in your relationship.

I wouldn't be ok with this.

And how long has the BF been stalking the page?

The searches I saw dated pretty far back. They haven't interacted in a long time. I think they met once and didn't even speak. They have tweeted at each other a few times but that's about it. My concern is that since these searches go back so far and he doesn't even see her EVER (because she lived so far away) that this crush won't ever go away. It seems deeper than a crush to me.

Update  Jan 15, 2016 (2 days later)

Hey guys! I thought I would update since this post got so big!

I'd like to start off just by thanking everyone for all the comments. So many kind words and all of it just gave me the kick in the butt that I needed. I also want to talk about the "bitch" thing for a moment.

Lots of you said that that would be a deal breaker to begin with. I got heavily downvoted for stating that I didn't think it was a big deal. I violated his privacy. He was mad that I did that and also clearly frustrated as he didn't know how to defend himself in the situation. I don't hold that against him everyone swears some times.

So, anyways, I broke up with him. At first I wasn't going to. I thought we could work through it. I texted him asking a few questions more about him and how he feels about this girl. He refused to answer the questions. I told him that if he didn't cooperate then there would be no way to work through this. He said okay and he still didn't answer my questions. So I realized a few things. He didn't really feel sorry that he did this. He is only sorry that he got caught. He has NEVER described me to ANYONE the way he described this girl to me. Is this forgivable? Yes. Forgettable? No. If I stayed in the relationship I would've always been comparing myself to her. It also came out that yes, he does still like her.

I asked why he didn't delete her and why he kept feeding his feelings for her by obsessing over her life. He said that he was just trying to figure out what was going on in his head. I explained that that was inappropriate to continue to oggle her while we were dating. He said he knew that but he just thinks that what she's doing is do bold. I asked what was bold and cam to learn that he really knows less about this girl than he thought.

He thought that she saved money to move there and dance and that it was all or nothing. I explained to him that she has never worked a day in her life and that her mom is paying for her to be there and could pay for her to come home tomorrow. I think it kinda made him upset that I burst his little fantasy about her.

I said that if he wanted to discuss this then he needed to cut her out and delete her on social media. He refused. So now we are over. 3 and a half years down the drain.

I've done a lot of crying over the past few days. I think my confidence is pretty low after hearing how much he idolized her. He did not try to fight for me or tell me that he loves me or tell me that I'm the only girl for him. He seemed pretty content with the breakup.

So, does anyone have advice on getting over someone who clearly didn't love you as much as you loved them?

TLDR: We broke up. He doesn't really care. I'm in a lot of pain.

Edit: Forgot to add that I let him read my first post and he got really mad at me and accused me of thinking that I'm superior to everyone. I told him that I obviously don't think I'm superior, but that I wish that he, as my boyfriend, thought that I was the coolest. I thought the world of him and looked up to him so much and he amazed me all the time. To him, I was just another student who likes to dance.

ALSO. If you go to activity log on facebook and filter searches thats how you can see ALL searches and times.

FINAL COMMENTS

Flouroforgot

Are you cool with this girl? The reason I ask is that your ex's behavior is creepy and borderline stalking- maybe you should let her know that you broke up with your boyfriend because of his creeping on her and perhaps she should block him from being able to search her.

I'll admit it's also a little revenge-y but at the same time I think it's the right thing to do.

OOP

We are friends but not the kind of friends that I would want her to know that my boyfriend was basically in love with her. Do you know what I mean? It's kinda embarrassing.

&

She lives across the country so I'm not concerned about him going for her. I know it's creepy what he's doing, but definitely not worth starting drama in her world over.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I AM NOT OOP, OOP IS: [u/ThrowR](u/ThrowRAweddinginsigh)[Aiil](u/ThrowRAweddinginsigh)

Originally posted to: [r/relationship_advice](r/relationship_advice)

How do I(26M) navigate this relationship with my ex-sister-in-law(32F)?

TRIGGER WARNING: death of a relative, mental health, grief, unprocessed grief, death related grief, loss of a loved one, guilt, grief related to guilt, guilt driven grief

Mood spoiler: heartwarming and conclusive, but some may find it weird, depends on which camp reader falls in

Original post - Oct 4th, 2026

My brother(he would’ve been 35 if he was alive today) met my SIL(or would it be ex-SIL) around 11 years ago. The family approved, and to be honest even today my parents love her and she is a great person.

Around 7 years ago they got married after she became pregnant, and had another kid around 6 years ago. I was in college for most of this time but I would occasionally come home and see them whenever seeing my folks and I was close with my brother(he was way older than me, so he was almost a second father of sorts, but a fun one, so not really).

2021, our lives changed drastically. My brother passed away due to a pulmonary embolism that went undetected and untreated. It was super rare for PE to go undetected and usually intervention is done on time, but we think with covid and everything, maybe things slipped through, but I also think it was mostly just timing and bad luck. My entire family was devastated, and my SIL and niece and nephew’s life changed. My niece was just born too, and he passed away before she could even turn a year old. It still pains me when I think about the fact that his kids will never be able to recall or remember him because of how young they were when it happened. I try my best, as do my parents and SIL, to tell them stories about him and make sure they at least have an idea of who he was.

Around 2022, my parents left the country to retire after my mom had a psychiatric break and had to go have stay. My brother’s death still messes with her. My dad said it would be best for her if they had a change of scenery and they left for their home country, and they visit us for holidays, and send money to my SIL whenever she needs it or anything.

Anyway, around the end of 2024/beginning of 2025, I moved back to my hometown because I got a remote job and I could live in my parents house, which still had some money left on it to be paid off for, but I told my dad I would take care of it since it wasn’t much left, and I was gonna stay there. He told me the house is mine to do with as I please, and wrote it to my name during a trip here.

I started talking to my SIL and nieces and nephews more, hung out with them more, and was backup babysitter and school pickup anytime she needed. Honestly, at one point, they would comer over and they would just stay the weekend with me, especially my nephew, just because he wanted to. I don’t mind I love those kids, they’re smart and will do great things. My niece is a trouble maker though, she’s going to be a menace in her teenage years, she already talks back pretty well 😂

But my SIL and I met more often and also grieved my brother together. She also said she hadn’t dated or tried to find anyone after my brother, and although part of me was like “thank god, the kids won’t have to see someone replace my brother” I realized how messed up it was to think that way, and tried to encourage her to date again and find someone. But one thing led to another, and we got together a few times last year. I got another job offer in the last quarter of 2025, but it was in person, but I took it, and told them to move into my parents house since I finished paying it off anyway, and she was grateful but we left it at that.

I was on a temporary business deployment from January to April this year, but hated that job, so I left it and got another remote job and moved back to my hometown and stayed at an apartment. I spoke to her, we met up a few more times, and then my apartment had to be renovated in August, so I went back to my parents house with them, and then the apartment stuff kept getting delayed so I broke the lease and ended up staying there.

Everyday we wake up, and my nephews and niece are there, and I wake up to a full house with them, and with her. I really like it. Feels nice. We had a talk, and she said she won’t force me, but she likes me, and has felt this way since we first started hooking up. She also said she only started liking me after seeing how I got along with the kids, and said I go above and beyond as an uncle and she knew how much I liked my brother because of that. She said, if she is gonna bring someone else into their lives, she would much rather it be me or nobody else, not just because of the kids or me being their uncle, but because of who she thinks I am.

I really like her too, and I really want to get on with it. But there is the big part of me that feels like I am betraying my brother. I spoke to her about this, and she said she never stopped loving my brother, but she can’t be hung up forever, and it’s not what he would want either, and I kinda agree. But my brother always trusted me, and this feels like betrayal. I told her these things, and she suggested we go to therapy together, and it would be good for us anyway since she also didn’t get a chance to process everything since she was busy raising the kids.

I guess I am not sure what I am looking for here. How would I navigate this without dishonoring my brother’s memory? Sorry for the long post.

RELEVANT COMMENTS(‘Commenter’ is abbreviated as ‘c’, so ‘C1’ means ‘Commenter #1’):

C1: So, you don’t feel fucking your late brother’s wife is a betrayal but dating her is too far? Is that what you are saying here?

OP to C1: No, even that was far and we struggled with that, but I am hesitant about replacing his role completely, especially in my nephew and nieces life, it’s not his fault he’s not here right now

C2: I would imagine the part of this that your brother would have an issue with would be sleeping with his former partner (which has been going on for some time apparently without issue), not stepping up to be a consistent presence for his kids.

Why is it only a problem if it gets more serious? Is it because you'd have to deal with other people finding out and having opinions?

Update - Oct 13th, 2026

Hello guys.

First thing out of the way, we are officially in a relationship now. Over the last few days with her, I really enjoyed coming home to her and my niece and nephew. But what sealed the deal was I was gone last week for a couple of days, on a work trip, and she kept calling and checking on me and I missed her and I missed home.

As soon as I came back I told her I would love to make it official and we both agreed. I still feel guilty about everything and replacing my brother, and the initial time we had sex. But I might be just coping to make myself feel better, but I feel like it would be better for my nephew and niece if it was me rather than someone else stepping into his shoes. And I really like her. I can’t really picture a future without her or the kids in my life.

She did say we should still visit a relationship counselor and a grief therapist together. I am for that. I think I(and maybe her too) have a lot of unprocessed feelings about my brother. I don’t want to let that get in the way of being there for her and the kids. I still love my brother, but I can’t keep feeling guilty forever. That’s not fair to her or me.

I told my parents, she and I together. I thought they would find it strange and kinda be a little angry, but my dad was okay with it. He was supportive and told her he always knew she would have to live her own life on day, and in a way, it’s kind of a blessing it’s me and not a stranger entering the life of their grandkids. My dad told my mom independently just in case she would not process it well, but my mom called up a few hours later and was not upset either. She was happy, but then cried remembering my brother and told me to take good care of her and the kids. I promised to do that.

It kind of made me realize me and her were already doing everything as a couple anyway. We were living together, and everything. I was just scaring myself and guilting myself out of making the move. I have profusely apologized to her for this again and again, but she said she knew I wasn’t doing it out of rudeness but rather out of lingering feelings and grief about my brother.

As for the kids, we aren’t telling them yet. She said we will have to tell them, and we are thinking about taking a trip together as a family during thanksgiving to my parents home country and we will tell them there if the mood feels right. But either way, it’s not something for me to decide alone, and I would rather do it in a way that’s comfortable for her and in accordance with her lead.

My friends were initially surprised, but supportive. They said my brother would’ve killed me if he were alive, but it’s fine, rather me than him. One of our mutuals, who was a my brother’s best friend, told me he had an idea something was up when he visited, but didn’t want to pry. He said as long as I do right by my brother and don’t let the kids forget him, which of course I won’t, then I am not doing anything I need to feel guilty about.

I guess that was it. I still want to do something nice for her. We kinda started a pseudo-relationship, official in all always except officially official as I said, so because of that not much has changed, and since we are keeping it form the kids from now too we aren’t super open in front of them. Her sister lives 5 hours away, we discussed leaving the kids with her sister for a weekend and going to a air bnb a couple hours away from her sisters place and spending 3-4 days there. Her sister knows about us too, and she said she wants to meet me before she fully approves so that is a bit nerve wracking of course, haha.

But once we tell the kids, there should be some more normalcy.

That’s all. Sorry it wasn’t anything groundbreaking or “tea-heavy” as some may say haha.

RELEVANT COMMENTS:

C1: This is romantic as fuck, I'm such a sucker for stories like these. I'm happy for you both.

C2 to C1: You think him banging his deceased brothers wife is romantic? I hope you don't have any siblings or if you do they keep their spouses away

C3 to C1: How is fucking your deceased siblings spouse romantic in any way?

C1 to C3: It all stays in the family. Would the deceased husband prefer that his widow

• ⁠Never loves again, at 27.
• ⁠Brings another man into the family.
• ⁠Or falls in love with a man who loved you, and who loves your children?

It's literally a best case scenario.

C2 to C1: Exactly, and if OP passes away she can move on to their father

C4: You sound like a wonderful thoughtful dude, who is going to be a great dad-uncle to those kids. Good luck!!

C2 to C4: Yeah, the kids are going to have more issues than newsweek

C5: I’m really happy for you all. I know this all came about because of a tragedy. But you all have built a family together and doing right by each other and those kids. 

C2 to C5: Oh yeah I'm sure this won't give the kids any issues

C6: Updateme try to keep us in the loop as your relationship grows.

C2 to C6: Yeah they can have sibling cousins.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB I AM NOT OOP

REMEMBER BORU RULE #7 AND DO NOT CONTACT OOP OR COMMENT ON ANY OF THE OOP’S ORIGINAL POSTS, KEEP ALL CONVERSATIONS IN BORU

**DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/collegeguy21 in r/AskReddit

This is a story that was a reply on the original thread.

Comment on the post: During my final year in school, I turned the Student Council into a dictatorship. What "evil" plots have you successfully hatched? - Jul 15 2012

Wow that is amazing, Great diabolical strategy! I have my own story about conquering a society that belongs on here.

My college has a mandatory class called Democracy and Global Diversity in which the students are assigned random roles much which hold certain benefits and negatives. There are two games spread throughout two semesters, the one in which i will be going into detail about will be the first one called the Athens Game.

Basic set up is that the game takes place in ancient Athens after a brutal war with Sparta in which Athens manages to regain it's independence from the terrible tyrants. After gaining their independence, the Athenian people separate into four factions; the oligarchs (high class/rich), the Socratic (followers of Socrates), the moderate democrats (wanted to appease everyone), the radical democrats (wanted a complete democratic government in which everyone would be fairly represented), and about 10 students which weren't in the any of the four major parties were positioned into independent roles which just sought to accomplish their own personal goals.

The way in which the game was one was by having accomplished the most objectives outlined in the book and the only basic way to do this was by bringing it up to vote in the public court and having sufficient votes for it. The game was also structured in such a way that the oligarchs/socratics would join forces and so would the radicals/moderate democrats.

Knowing this, I was voted as the leader of the Radical Democrats (Thrasybulus) and quickly aligned our groups to have a total of 9 individuals to vote (four from my group and 5 from moderates.) The special ability of my group was that we had a war leader (myself), while the moderates had financial funds. Knowing that the Oligarchs/ Socratic are the enemies we quickly go to the independents and ask them what they want us to bring before the people to vote on and promise them our vote as long as they sign a contract which states that they will no matter what vote with us on anything and if found to conspire against us will be executed.

Being an Honors course, all the students were mostly concerned with their grades so of course the independents were willing to sign away their voting freedom as long as their main objective was passed such as healthcare reform, women's rights, infrastructure building, etc..

This was about halfway through the game and we were kicking some serious ass. The oligarchs/socratics weren't getting anywhere and the democrats were increasing in power.

I was getting power hungry. Secretly I wanted to eliminate everyone in the game except for my own faction after which I would anoint myself king (which completely went against my characters objectives, but i didnt care.)

So we're about halfway through the game in which my side is winning and it is at this point that my teacher (Zeus in the game) decides to fuck shit up. He sends a message to the opposing side with a list of grievances that the Gods have, all targeted towards me. I'm put before trial in front of everyone and my am placed on house arrest and have my tongue cut out so that I may not speak. Any communication must be written out and must be delivered to the masses by a chosen vessel ( a fellow radical).

Fucking shit.

I'm seething at this point. All the work i'd done is completely going to shit. My democratic factions are arguing while the oligarchs and socratics are gaining power. Everything is going to shit.

I went home that night knowing that I had three weeks left to do something to reverse everything. I studied the rule book and found two things which could potentially save my ass.

Fast forward 3 weeks and the oligarchs/socratics have gained the upper hand while the once powerful democrats are not getting anything accomplished. Everything was completely fucked! There was no longer a democracy but instead a tyranny, jobs were decided by ones abilities and not by interest, women had no rights, slaves were rampant, and my army had been disbanded. We were spartas bitches again. Fuck.

Well last day of class, everyone was sitting there knowing that the game was over and pretty much burnt out. They were ready to have "Zues" say that the oligarchs/ socratics won.

I walk in as normal and take my seat. Right at the beginning when the teacher goes up and asks if anyone has anything to say, I raise my hand and give my vessel a typed letter of complete socratic and oligarch anal fucking. In it i state how on page 233 of the rule book there is a section which states that the players can go to the "Oracle" and have it repeal any unjust law of the Gods. Well, on the first day of the class the teacher told us that the Oracle was the head of the honors department. So I went to him an hour before class to get my tongue back and be removed from house arrest (had the note signed by him.) I wish you were there to see their stupid faces. Jaws on the floor and fear in their eyes.

Can't say i'll ever have this feeling again, but they knew it in their tiny little privileged brains. I was back and i was going to fuck shit up one last time. I was erect and ready to wreck.

Of course they started complaining right away that it wasn't fair, blah blah blah. Teacher read the rules and said it was and just sat there with a face of complete disbelief.

My next step was perhaps the one which helped me climax in class. I knew from watching the game that the oligarchs/socratics had increased the amount of slaves ten-fold in the game since my last ruling. So as the war general I launched an all out recruitment of the slaves in front of the class. In order for this to happen the teacher had to toss up a numbered cube 4 times and have it land on a number of 6 or higher everytime. I got 7,10,9,11.

Boom! Here comes the pain! Remember that they had stupidly disbanded the army and were sparta bitches. Well Sparta would take 2 class periods to come and help and because of it being the last day of class there would be no repercussions.

I went on a murdering spree and with smirk pointed at opposing faction members with my finger of destruction and simply said, "dead." this went on for five minutes while i killed everyone who had crossed me. When i finally got to the moderate/radical democrats they just had the look of happiness on their faces... until i pointed my finger of justice at them and began killing them all. At the end of the day I was the only being left with my imaginary slaves who now populated Athens. I annointed myself the King, wrote up a brief constitution with five points:

Athens is now known as Derpville 2.King Derp makes all the decisions 3.Only the lineage of Derp will ever lead Derpville Derpville welcomes all slaves Defiance of king Derp will lead to death I ended up getting a C in the class because i didnt play my role correctly, but it was worth it because i got to screw everyone over.

TL;DR: Had my tongue cut out and was put on House Arrest by Teacher (Zeus). Manage to manipulate game rules on last day to kill everyone. Ended up with a C because "I didn't play my role correctly."

Edit: Letter grade of C was for semester. One half, the other half was given second semester and made a total "averaged grade," read part two in the lower part of comments.

POST TITLE - Jul 16 2012

Well since you asked for it. I'll deliver!

So the semester ends and everyone comes back from vacation all de-stressed and ready to finish the course by going into the final simulation which happens to take place during the French Revolution right before the king and queen are killed.

The set up on this game was similar to the previous one in the fact that there were the Jacobins, Fuillonts, the clergy, the nobles,the crowd (murderous bunch who could kill anyone), the King, and again the indeterminants. Everyone was given a random role. Everyone except for me. The teacher went out of his way to create a role for me which ended up being a scribe who was supposed to uphold the "General Will & teachings of Rousseau."

Well at this point I was pissed because my character was just a voting figure who could essentially do nothing. Completely pissed me off at first. I read my characters outline and saw that I was allowed to represent any territory in france so I used my brain and chose the Nord Pais de Calais because it was this area (using historical references) that had the best agricultural industry during that time. They had a surplus of food and were a peaceful northern people. The state also bordered Prussia which was the area that the King wanted to escape to because his wifes brother was the King and thus could guarantee him safety.

So of course, the class bickers back and forth trying to put into place their objectives so they'll get A's which leads to a lot of arguing. While I am bored in class i begin to research into the amount of slaves in this game since they were the way i won the previous game. I come to find out that they do exist and that they are mostly captured soldiers who hate france. Perfect.

I slowly introduce reforms for the class such as building a national bank that takes a 10% tax of which I am voted the CEO of (I argued that as the gaurdian of the general will it would be against my beliefs to harm the general population.) I use these funds to build an infrastructure so that the roads and other things can be fixed using the tax money. I then make the motion to build a prison in my area that so that the ones in the central part can be empty for those who have created problems against the state (they loved this idea).

I do other things like build a school system, introduce healthcare, and make a treaty with the US which will allow exports and imports. Everyone (including the teacher) eats it up thinking that I am doing everything that's best for the "General Will."

How's the saying go? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Its the second to last day of the class. To this point the class has done created no forward movement because their votes generally cancel each other out. Some want to kill the king while others want to save him. The crowd wants the ability to vote, but not everyone wants this so the angry crowd kills a couple of people.

By this time, I had made an underground agreement with the King stating that i'd help her escape to Prussia if she promised to sign away her remaining guard which she did. Again in the france rule book there is a section on slaves (P.O.W.s) having the capacity to be recruited to fuck shit up. By now, all the slaves, battle ships, food, iron factories, weapon stores, and of course money (since i am the CEO of the national bank) all reside in my state. The following will make you hard.

On the second to last day of the game i stroll in as usual and take a seat. I wait for the sides to begin arguing and it is at this point that i go to my teacher with the rule book and my contracts in hand. As i'm approaching I just see his eyes and overall face go into "oh shit" mode. I argue that i've released the prisoners and have armed them with my stores and food and that i have also taken control of the remaining army under the Kings treaty. The class just goes dead silent and they have the ultimate look of "we have been fucked again."

Well I let the king escape to his family in Prussia, I enact an embargo against everyone in france except my soldiers and slave soldiers. We go from state to state killing everyone again. Since my classmates were too busy arguing about constitutions and stuff they never made a unformed army, but did create a navy of which i was the commander of. They didnt have any weapons so it was easy to kill everyone except for myself.

The whole class was just in disbelief. I had done it again, i had gone against my characters outline and destroyed them all.

The sweetest part was that my teacher gave me an F this time and gave everyone else a B+. Of course i was just livid. So i went to the department chair and explained everything that happened in great detail and said that i could not be held responsible for the lack of intellectual capacity of my classmates. I indeed upheld the "general will" because I built an infrastructure and terminated everyone who was a parasite against the state.

It was at this point that i turned into a man.

The department chair got up and shook my hand. He then went to the class on the final day of school and simply told everyone that he would be handing out grades instead of the teacher (complete shock and surprise). He said that due to the lack of foresight everyone in the class would be getting a C because they died and by doing so would be the correct grade to receive. He then looked at me and said you however will receive a B+ because what you did had never been done before.

My class still avoids me to this day, but they do seek my help in arguments in other classes.

Edit to add:

Relevant comments[from another thread]: [thanks to /u/Historical-Juice-172 for pointing it out and /u/Chagdoo for asking me to add it]

You should look into the class titled, "Democracy and Global Diversity." It is kind of like what you are trying to do, except that it takes place in specified times such as France during the French Revolution or Ancient Greece. Each student is given a character (real person during that time) and must become that character in order to win. Eventually factions are formed, heated arguments ensue, killing begins, and peace is usually granted by the winning faction. I for example tried to raise a slave army against the government, lost, and had my throat cut.

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/VenusDivine

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

Original post - posted 2023-01-11

Last year in October I (22f) was working at a nursing home in the kitchen. Both siblings of mine (M29, F31) worked there, my brother in the kitchen, my sister a nurse. I loved the work, I loved the residents. I had a bit of unease working with my older sister though.

"We don't see eye to eye" is an understatement. In her words, I'm everything wrong with my parents life. I'm a horrible person, my mother should've let our (abusive) step-dad beat me straight so I'd behave better. She's told them to kick me out repeatedly, calling me a freeloader, a drug addict for smoking weed, a brat and a leech. Nevermind she's a drunk and has been since she could start drinking, even drinking and driving constantly.

It was 2 weeks before Christmas, and I started having sudden extreme swelling in my abdomen with pain so bad it made me cry. I was supposed to see the doctor that day but had to work even though I had requested that day off. I was sent home in tears with my stomach making me look heavily pregnant and the pain so bad no one could touch me.

My first visit to the er was a bust, I was given morphine and told it was my PCOS then sent home with heavy painkillers. My brother tagged along with the trip, saying he was under the impression (because of my sister) that I was being dramatic and had bad cramps, even going as far to tell my parents to just leave me there and come back when they release me so he could get his shopping done. This didn't go over well with me obviously.

Que me going back to work and the same happened. The swelling, the pain, the tears. I could barely walk, it was a pained waddle at best. But i was told by my lovely sister to suck it up and come into work, even telling me if i missed work again i would be fired. 2 days in a row I was sent home, then told to resign until my medical issues were resolved. Even the nursing staff was worried, one of the ladies telling me I should be in the hospital and not work as I looked 9 months pregnant with the swelling. Another er visit was the same results with no improvement.

After I quit, my sister decended like a vulture. She started doubling down on telling my parents to kick me out, telling everyone I'm just too lazy to work now, even going as far as to tell our own parents that I don't need a doctor, I need a psychiatrist because I'm crazy and faking everything. She told me on my birthday, 5 drinks in and right in front of my parents as l was talking about bills, that I wouldn't have to worry about the bills if I actually kept a job.

I never talk back. I'm the quiet one. I don't fight back. But I was done. I turned and pointed at her and said "Don't you start, don't you even F*CKING start with me. I am tired, i am sick, just f*cking STOP." Her eyes got as wide as silver dollars. My birthday is just before Christmas, and I haven't talked to her since. On Christmas day, I remember passing everyone their gifts with a smile. When I got to her, I tossed it at her really hard and just said, "You." I didn't even thank her for anything.

Now she does nothing but try to get me to talk. Compliments on the gift I gave, asking how I'm feeling, trying to ask our mom how I am or asking my brother to see if I'll tell him anything. I have a stomach biopsy and endoscopy scheduled, then multiple OBGYN visits and even more test after that. I'm refusing to tell her about any of it. As far as I'm concerned, I don't have a sister.

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Update - posted 2023-06-14

After 5 long months, I have a status update!

About 5 or 6 months ago, I lost my job and relationship with my sister due to a mystery illness she swore I was faking. News flash: I wasn't!

After more test than I can count, I have an answer. Well... sort of.

As it turns out, I have a very large cyst on my ovaries that is bleeding, causing even more irritation and pain in the long run. Endo is a strong contender for a diagnosis as well. So no dear sister, I don't have the magic power to inflate my stomach, cry on command, and I don't make myself puke for attention.

I'm currently awaiting a doctor's visit, going over treatment and even possibly surgery. Unfortunately my mother has told my sister everything, which she accomplished by taking my mom out on "mommy daughter days", and spoiling her with more gifts than you can imagine. Unsurprisingly, I was never included.

She still makes snide comments, and even took her fork while we were at the dinner one night, poked my stomach repeatedly, and said for everyone and God to hear:

"Wow, I never thought I'd see the day your stomach doesn't look like a balloon, what changed? You don't look as fat and swollen."

The look I gave her could melt a hole through diamond. So I told her, "It's because I'm not in pain right now you asshole."

My mom is trying to get me to be nice to her, telling me, "That's just how she is. She doesn't mean anything bad. She's your sister, and I didn't raise you to not get along." I told her if my sister didn't mean what she said, then she should apologize for making those comments.

As of right now, she's still on my shit list. Mom is definitely climbing the list. But I have good news.

I got a new job! It's well paid and low impact, plus I get 3 breaks a day and weekends off. I even have paid holidays off! I'm loving it, and although it's hard work, I'm excited to finally pick up the pieces of my life. My brother even told me I was the hardest worker they had at my old job, and unfortunately the replacement isn't even doing half of what I could do in a day. And while I miss my residents, and I still know their special orders by heart, I have never felt such relief in knowing that who I work with now don't even know my family. I can chat with them without my sister breathing on my neck, or my brother shushing me for being friendly.

I'm not 100% yet, and I have a long road ahead, but I'm doing it with my head held high and my best stride I can muster.

Edit: Holy cow, I never expected for this to get the traction it did. I'm in tears and I can't thank you guys enough for the kind words and call outs in the comments. It makes me feel less alone, and I couldn't even begin on how much it means to me that people actually care! A little clarification though on a few points

● My mother does believe that I'm sick, she even goes to the doctor with me and comforts me when I'm doing really really bad. She grew up in an abusive household, and really doesn't have a close relationship with her family. So she raised us to "get along" so we could have the relationship she never could. It's no excuse for her response, but it does mean I understand where she's coming from. Again, not an excuse for that bad response. But she does care, and has been helping me out a lot.

● My Sister can be a good person when she wants to be. When she wants to be is the catch. I still love her, she raised me when my parents had to work double shifts and long days, and is the reason I still eat ramen when I'm sad lol. She's always been mean, but now she seems to be getting meaner. And she's going though bad things too, but that's no excuse to be horrible. I just hope that whatever is biting her butt let's go soon.

● My brother and I have always been close, and he asks me how I feel whenever I see him. When I lost my job, he bought my pets food. When I needed a ride into town and had no gas money, he let me crash at his place for the night and took me. Sure we fight too, but we are on better terms.

As I said, there's no excuse for being dismissive or downright nasty. I'm still going NC and LC when I move, as I believe it's the best choice for my mental well-being. I'm putting me first.

Edit #2: Thank you guys for every message, I never expected this level of support from people. I've read all of them and cried a bit. And thank you to the people also telling me to not take this lying down. As of right now, I've already had a talk with my mom and she agreed that my sister was out of line. She did repeat "that just how (Sister's Name) is", but she did say that it was about time I said something to her about it. And she wasn't gonna stop me. It's between me and my sister now. She's visiting in a few days so we'll see how it goes, although until she says something i will be silent. As for my mom, she is no longer going into my appointments with me. She agreed to sit in the waiting room for me unless I desperately need her help.

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/alkamc

Originally posted to r/TalesFromYourServer

Post timeline:

• Original post: 2023-02-11
• First update: 2023-02-13
• Final update: 2023-04-24

Have a crush on customer - posted 2023-02-11

Okay…I (22F) work at a diner, and a few weeks ago this guy started coming in almost everyday. The first time I saw him I literally got butterflies, and I haven’t felt that in years. I don’t even know why really, hes not like exceptionally hot but he’s cute and sweet and there’s just something I like about him.

Anyway, I think he might like me because he tips me way more than the other girls. For example, they said he tipped $5 on about $8 meal but he tipped me $20 on a $30 meal. Anyway, sorry for the rambling, but I’ve never done anything like giving a customer (or anyone for that matter) my phone number, and I don’t want to be weird since he’s started coming in almost everyday. but what should I do? Should I just keep talking and get to know him, which is pretty easy and sort of expected in the diner atmosphere especially with regulars, and hope he makes a move…or should I be straight forward and give him my number or something?

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UPDATE: crush on customer - posted 2023-02-13

I don’t know how to link my last post and I’m on mobile so hopefully this finds the right people

He came in with his coworker (who he also brought Friday) and I said, “Do you guys have any big plans for Valentine’s Day?” And he said he didn’t…and I said “yeah me neither, it’ll just be me and my dog as usual” and they laughed. I wouldn’t have been bold enough to give him my number when he’s with his coworker, But then I was walking by and heard them discussing retirement or money or something and I heard his coworker say “you’re only 31 you have so much time blahblahblah” so I chickened out even more because I don’t know if I’m too young at 23 (also I accidentally said I was 22 last post, I have no idea how I forgot my actual age)

So good news is he’s single! Bad news is I might be too young? He looked 25ish to me…I know some people say age is just a number, which I agree with after a certain age, but I have a hard time navigating when that begins and when it’s just a weird age gap.

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Update: Crush on Customer - 2023-04-24

A long time ago I posted about having a crush on a customer and not knowing what to do…I tried to update but it never posted for some reason.

Anyway, I finally gave him my number on his receipt and I didn’t get a text back…which I was honestly fine with and was just proud of myself for shooting my shot and getting out of my comfort zone. A few days later I got a text from him and learned that my coworker/friend stopped him on my day off and said “my friend gave you her number, did you see it?” And he apparently hadn’t so she gave him my number. We’ve now been dating almost 2 months and it’s been really nice! He treats me better than anyone I’ve been with, which is taking some getting used to #trauma haha but I’m glad we’ve met and at the very least I’ve learned that I do deserve someone to treat me well.

Anyway! Thanks for the support Reddit! And shoot your shot because you don’t know what will happen!

Reminder: I am not OOP.

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/Past_Progress_5472

Originally posted to r/EntitledPeople, r/neighborsfromhell

Post timeline:

• Original post: 2024-11-16
• First update: 2025-08-03
• Final update: 2026-06-22

Entitled neighbor rips out stairs to my easement and build a wall blocking use - posted 2024-11-16

I own a home with an easement that goes down to a lake. Four years ago, my neighbor decided that I was no longer privy to the use of my easement and tore out my stairs and built a wall blocking my use. My home has a deeded walkway easement that is both on my deed and purchasing agreement. The easement is also on my neighbor's purchasing agreement, and land survey. With this said I had to sue my neighbors and they were sure to drag this out by not responding, asking for extensions, switching attorneys, etc. Three months ago I won my case in summary judgement. They then filed a motion of error stating that the judge made a mistake, well they lost again and were ordered to return my stairs and remove their wall. Well now they filed an appeal. They are trying to bankrupt me all because their ego won't accept that they were entirely wrong the entire time. Mind you they have their own lakefront frontage and they are fighting me for my 10 feet! The mindset of these people is not within my understanding. How could they not want to use their money towards something else? I'm still baffled how this ever got this far!

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Update on neighbors who ripped out stairs to my easement. - posted 2025-08-03

Many of you had great advice and so many more offered great support that I wanted to do this victory lap with all 2.1 million people who viewed my post. I won at the appellant level. The document that the court provided put them to shame. Hopefully, it ends here but I have been told they have 45 days to appeal, and they are so entitled that they just might. They would rather throw thousands into a black hole than to stop the b.s. Wish me luck folks because I'm not sure I can financially survive another season of this unending court room battle. I know the battle isn't over as I will probably have to take them back to court when they choose to not put my stairs back in, which again they will probably do this. Lets wait and see but for now I'll wave my victory flag. Thanks for all the good vibes.

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Update #3 On people who ripped out stairs to my easement...the sage continues! - posted 2026-06-22

Editor's note: the post is labeled update #3, but it's actually update #2, or post #3.

Hi all, I had two very viral posts regarding this issue and wanted to give the current tea on this because it keeps getting more and more ridiculous.

If you don't feel like reading through my past posts here is a quick (less detailed) recap. I bought a house (9 years ago) with an easement to the lake, my neighbors who live next to the walkway took it upon themselves to rip out my stairs, build a wall and block me from my lake rights. I took them to county court, won. They filed for a motion of error and we went back to county court and I won again. They filed an appeal at the state level and I won again. They were ordered to replace my stairs, remove the stone wall and take down the large (8ft wide) bushes.

Currently they have to date replaced my stairs and taken down the stone wall. The only thing remaining is the large 8 ft wide bushes. This was of the last few months. Well, I started to use my easement and have been doing light maintenance on the beach as the weeds and grass tend to grow there. My lovely neighbors have their own beach frontage which they maintain. Within one week of me doing this I was issued a cease and desist order and I quote for "strangely walking" and for the fact that either I, a relative or guest of mine walked on their private sidewalk which is not part of the easement. It definitely wasn't me walking on the sidewalk but okay I did nothing wrong so I have nothing to worry about. With that said I emailed their attorney to let them know I received the letter and that I am aware of my boundaries. I also informed him that his clients have yet to remove the large bushes. Then the following week the neighbors have a car parked on my easement, so I reported that to their attorney as well. Last week I went and they left a piece of their broken pier on my easement and so I also reported that to their attorney. I never expected a reply from him but I wanted everything to be documented.

Last night I received a personal email from them. Basically, telling me not to contact their attorney to contact them for any concerns. He then proceeds to tell me that I have continued to ignore the cease and desist and gives me the definition of an easement. I have not done anything outside of my scope and routine maintenance is what I was told I was allowed to do such as pulling the weeds.

He then said he could not remove the bushes because he does not own the land. SO here is the story with this: While at the appellate court he tried to argue that the easement was not officially his. Stating that while it was on his purchasing agreement and survery, it was not on his deed. He cited that I should be suing the former owners of his property as a result. The appellate court deemed this a clerical error and told my neighbor that instead of trying to rectify the clerical error they chose not to and instead use this as a basis to not put in my stairs, remove the wall or bushes. The appellate court did not agree with this and therefore enforced my easement and ordered them to replace my stairs, remove the wall and take down the landscaping. Case closed.

So NOW my lovely neighbors sent me and email both telling me what I can and can't do but also telling me they don't own the easement. So I looked up their names on the public mycase and sure enough my neighbors are suing the former owners of their home from 9 years ago! Citing they felt mislead and are asking for monetary damages. This is neither here nor there for my easement as that is a done deal I'm just referencing to get an idea of what I have been dealing with all these years.

So back to the email I was sent: He then concludes the email by telling me they will entertain all mature conversation as we will have a lengthy relationship for many years.

In a nutshell the email basically tells me the definition of an easement. tells me I'm ignoring the cease and desist, tells me they don't own the land and will not remove the bushes and then concludes by wanting to make this work through mature conversation.

I don't know if I should respond to him, only respond to his attorney, show this to my attorney or not respond at all. I'm just besides myself that he is now suing former owners, from 9 years ago! Either way I'll have to figure this out but I'm not trying to incur more attorney fees as they have already financially ruined us. But this is the world of these entitled people! Have fun my reddit readers. Ill answer any questions I can because I'm sure I have forgotten to mention some details that some will be curious to know.

Reminder: I am not OOP.

I AM NOT OOP, OOP IS: [u/ThrowRAPie3123](u/ThrowRAPie3123)

Originally posted to: [r/relationship_advice](r/relationship_advice)

My(23F) bf(25M) makes some racist jokes, but I want him to stop, how do I go about it?

TRIGGER WARNING: racism, manipulation, bullying, toxic relationship

Mood spoiler: facepalm inducing frustration

Original post - Oct 12, 2026

So I’m South Asian(Indian) but I was born and raised here and my bf is white. In reality he’s not a racist or anything.

But he makes some Indian jokes, and I normally don’t mind, but two weeks ago he met my parents, and has been doing the stereotypical accent in order to make jokes about how they speak.

I told him to stop, but I don’t think he thinks I’m being fr. He loved meeting my parents and he said he likes them, but he’ll make jokes about how they speak all the time.

This kind of made me realize there’s a broader habit of him making these types of jokes, about asking me if a smell in a room is me as a joke, or he’ll see random critters and animals when we’re driving and ask me if it’s a god I pray to or whatever.

He never makes these jokes in public, and is very defensive about me. And, as I mentioned, it’s not like he believes these things and he’s not actually racist, but he just makes these jokes when it’s just me and him.

But I want him to stop or tone it down, especially when it involves my parents and I’m not sure how to go about that.

RELEVANT COMMENTS(“Commenters” will be abbreviated as ‘C’ so ‘C1’ means ‘Commenter #1’):

C1: Usually I'm not a member of the "break up" squad on Reddit but throw the whole man already.

He's not saying it in public because he knows it's in poor taste but he absolutely believes it if he is saying it to you. He is racist.

OP to C1: No he’s not actually racist, he just has a crude sense of humor, which not many people know about, but he lets himself be himself with me. He doesn’t feel the need to “act” in front of me. But he’s definitely not a racist guy fr, I wouldn’t date him if he was!

C2: You came for advice

Your boyfriend is in fact racist

You're not going to accept that because "how could he sleep with me if he's racist?"

Because racists can exoticize or hyper sexualize other races. He views you as "one of the good ones" and his object to pleasure himself with but there's no way he sees you as an equal.

C3: This is 100% racism.

It seems harmless right now but wait and see how dangerous someone like this can be when you give him an Indian daughter or son. Then you'll see how much he really hates Indian culture and try to transform that kid into a self hating Indian.

Update - Oct 13th, 2026

So I was able to talk to him guys, and he said he would stop talking about my parents. He just said that he really liked my parents, and he already considered them kinda like close to him. I know he makes jokes about his parents, so he explained that that’s how he shows his love for people he cares about, but he will stop since it makes me uncomfortable. He was very understanding.

He also said he would tone down the jokes overall. I asked him if he really had thoughts about racism or didn’t like my culture, because the comments did make me feel insecure. He sat me down and told me he was offended I would even think that. He was actually like genuinely hurt. He said he would tone it down, but he makes jokes about everything he loves(and this is true he makes jokes with his parents and with his friends). He said it was just his way of showing his love for something thats part of me and his way of showing love to something.

I told him I didn’t mind the jokes and to not do them in public, but no jokes about my parents until he got to know them more. He agreed, and profusely apologized for giving me the wrong idea.

So that’s the good news. He is just a bit clumsy in how he communicates, but he’s not a bad guy at heart!

RELEVANT COMMENTS:

C1: You called him out for making racist jokes about your parents and somehow he's the upset victim in the situation

C2: Your racist boyfriend is still racist

C3: “He sat me down and told me he was offended I would even think that.”

So, he turned it around on you here. You asked him a legitimate question, and he framed himself as the victim. This is a tactic to make you feel insecure and vulnerable about your position.

Your concern and question were valid. His outrage at that is not.

“His way of showing love” is to make racist jokes? May this love never find me.

Please wake up here, or continue to let this guy play you. He’s racist. Not an overly open cartoonish racist, not many people are. He’s just your standard run of the mill “I’m not racist because I’m just joking how dare you call me out” racist. Good luck, OP.

Edit: rechecked your ages here. I was also in my early and mid 20s once. When you’re younger you tend to accept these kinds of jokes and such as “normal”. Edgy humor is common, older generations can be more racist overtly, and you feel like you’re rocking the boat by speaking up about it. The older you get though, you realize that people who display the behavior your boyfriend has (that you depicted in your posts) are not worth fully investing in relationship-wise. The longer the racist edgy mocking humor goes on, the longer they are stuck in immaturity. Eventually that’s just who they are: perpetually stuck in that state of being an unpleasant, uncomfortable person to be around who doesn’t have the empathy and introspection to actually recognize they’re bigoted. I’d honestly say 25 is where he should be waking up to this. Him turning it around on you and explaining it comes off as him doubling down on what he said. He isn’t sorry, he doesn’t actually see why it was wrong, and he doesn’t care. He just doesn’t want you to break up with him. You’re his “exception”. You deserve better here, OP, and I hope you gain more maturity to see who he really is.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB I AM NOT OOP

REMEMBER BORU RULE #7 AND DO NOT CONTACT OOP OR COMMENT ON ANY OF THE OOP’S ORIGINAL POSTS, KEEP ALL CONVERSATIONS IN BORU

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Technical-Mode-7734

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Update]: My best friend’s wedding is at the end of this month, and everyone wants her to leave the groom.

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/KinKaze for letting me know about the latest update!

Trigger Warnings: weaponized incompetence, manipulation

RECAP

Original Post: September 3, 2026

I’m the maid of honor (F31) for my best friend of 12 years wedding (F31 Celine). I hate her fiancé (31M Jay), I think he’s a waste of space and honestly a rock has more personality than him.

I’m seeking advice on what to say to her so she will finally walk away.

For context , they’ve been together for 4 years and 5 months. They connected when he DMed her on insta and he confessed he had an unrequited crush on her since high school. They were in similar cliques, but they never spoke to each other; he just knew her as the cute goth girl. She still is very much a goth, so it caught his attention and it made him reached out to her.

My initial opinion wasn’t the highest, but it wasn’t the lowest either. He is a hermit, lives out in the country, and his only friend is his dog, and his truck. Then it came out that he has severe insecurities. And then I learned his home is a rundown mobile home, and his truck is where he spends all his money on… Another sore spot is he doesn’t make much money. Now the amount of money one makes is not an issue I’d judge on, but we will come back to this later.

In the first 2 years, Jay had a bunch of insecurities, and it made him think Celine was going to leave him at any moment. Insecurities such as him not being attractive, not being able to provide, not making enough money, and not being good enough...

We all have insecurities, but through their relationship he’s constantly feared she’s going to leave him and tells her constantly he’s not good enough for her. Pretty damn grating in my opinion.

The proposal is when I started to see actual red flags 🚩. Up until that point, I saw him as meek, but Celine was happy, so I gave him grace. However, the man proposes with no ring just a string (actual string), and proceeds to throws my boyfriend, now husband, (M30 Rick) under the bus and says, “I would of had a ring, but I asked Rick for your ring size, and he never got back to me.”

Which is downright a LIE, and when Celine told me the news I made sure to check Rick’s phone on the spot to confirm he never got a message from Jay.

That just didn’t sit right with me at all, and my husband was so pissed. Because up until that point he was trying to be his friend and give him career advice to help him get more money.

So wedding planning commences. They are 3 years into the relationship and set the wedding date far out to give enough time to plan…. Spoiler it wasn’t enough time.

In the midst of planning, I have basically been filling in for what he should be participating in. From wedding venue decisions, to decorations, going to all the meetings, I even found vendors! Anything she can get him to join in on, after constant reminders, when asked for his opinion he just shrugs and gives an idk response. Getting him to participate in this wedding is like pulling teeth with him.

Then 4 months out he asks for the wedding to be postponed. He says he can’t handle her sudden shift in mood and she’s being mean to him. Mind you, they don’t live together, because his place is in shambles. All she requested was he fix the windows, so when she does move in her cat won’t accidentally break out.

Her parents sit them both down to talk and get them to communicate and figure out wtf is going on because they are the ones funding all of the wedding (about 25k at this point). The decision they make is to have the wedding but not sign the marriage license to make it legal. All seems good for 24hrs until he reaches out to me and ask if I think Celine will be happy with him and if she can change to be nicer to him.

I call his ass out in the nicest way possible saying he needs a lot of self-reflection and to seek therapy/counseling. He then messages Celine and tells her I’m not helping his mental health, and that I reached out to him first out of concern. Another damn LIE.

So I go off on him, and tell him he’s a lying pos and he’s not communicating, so I see him as the problem. That seems to get him to start helping and changes his attitude, but I know it’s only a matter of time.

So this week, his mother (who hasn’t contributed squat to the wedding) reaches out to Celine’s mom to tell her the wedding needs to be called off. Jay wants to end the wedding and the relationship, he’s been crying hysterically, is in heaps of debt to spend money on Celine to keep her happy, so he keeps over drafting his cards. Celine was over at his place and he told her nothing. Of course the parents are freaked out and tell Celine and she confronts Jay. His answer, “ oh I didn’t want to tell you in case I changed my mind.” Which speaks even more about his shitty character 🚩🚩🚩.

If things couldn’t get worse, he also tells her he has to go out of town for 5 weeks for work and the wedding is at the end of this month.

At this point, I don’t think he wants to marry her, but I don’t think she should marry him! I asked her why is she still continuing with him, but she’s just so emotionally numb. She feels like they’ve come so far and it would suck to have to start over, but she thinks it’s just his nerves that are causing him to act this way.

I left a lot out since this was getting pretty long, but my concerns are if he can lie about little things he will most certainly lie about big things. We learned he’s in debt, but not sure on the amount. My fear is if they did get married Celine is at risk.

Again, I just want advice on what to tell her to finally leave this piece of trash. He’s been caught in too many lies and it’s not going to get better. Hell I don’t even know what kind of wedding speech to give that won’t show how much I hate him.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Don't get involved in other people's relationships, generally.

That'll happen is she'll turn it, blame you, you'll lose your friend and she'll lose support when she does finally leave.

OOP: I’m pretty confident she won’t blame me. We’ve seen each other at our worst.

I also got involved the moment he tried throwing my ass under the bus when he asked for my advice.

OOP explains her suspicions of Jay's behaviors

OOP: He’s got pretty severe ADHD, and I think struggles with depression. My red flags were his constant lies. Even in the stories he told me about work it always seemed a bit farfetched.

One that tipped me off on money issues is he got a credit card with the 0% interest for x months. Celine called me and said the bank was charging him all the back interest, and he swore he paid it off.

OOP on the bridal/groom party and if the couples' parents know what is going on and obvious to Jay's shortcomings?

OOP: There are 4 more bridesmaids, 2 of them have been very involved and also share the same opinion that he’s trash. The other 2 are not really involved.

Her parents are more worried about the money that’s already spent on the wedding. They aren’t asking the right questions and are just worried in overloading her with their opinions.

+

I think it’s because he played them acting like he was helping. In the beginning of planning he was saying the right things, and nodding at the right times. Yet, he wasn’t actually doing anything.

Recently the dad told him, “there are more ways to say I love you, doing something is one of them”

+

The parents haven’t seen it and any time her dad offers to come over to help fix things he makes excuses. I wouldn’t say he’s a hoarder, but he’s got a lot of stuff, and the home is honestly one bad storm away from being condemned.

Commenter 2: You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

There is nothing you can say that will convince Celine to leave him. All you can realistically do is be there for her when it all goes horribly wrong.

I would probably have one more conversation with her in which you tell her that you're worried about her and you have concerns about the relationship but it's her life and you will be there for her when she needs you. Then you need to step back and let her make her own mistakes.

Commenter 3: Girl needs to run now. Just “not signing the marriage” license doesn’t mean that a court wouldn’t possibly consider the wedding if he was to go after palimony (alimony for unmarried exes in some states).

Dude is not stable. He would rather lie than own up to his feelings and shortcomings. I am legitimately worried for stability and her safety.

If she still really wants marry him, she needs to see a full credit report and understand all of his finances ASAP. They also need a prenup, couples therapy, and a new residence. Under no circumstances should she move out to that mobile home and isolate herself from her support system.

Does she want a wedding or a marriage?

OOP: I also told her that out of this marriage he would be the one benefiting the most. She wants the marriage, and she especially wants children.

From what I can tell I think she’s worried time is against her.

Commenter 4: For the first half of your post I thought you were being too judgy, but jeez, the only relationship this guy needs is with his parents, there is still sooo much growing up to do!

OOP: The best man is also his dad…

Commenter 5: Why would they have the wedding but not take care of the legal paperwork? What would be the point?

OOP: Because he made excuses to go with her to get the license.

Editor's note: removed the top half of the update, as it is a rehash of the original post

Update #1: September 9, 2026 (six days later)

Update My best friend’s wedding is at the end of this month, and everyone wants her to leave the groom.

Hey everyone, thanks again for the advice and sharing your personal experiences. Here’s the update.

So the day after I made the post I sent it to her and I went over that evening to talk. She did read through some of the comments some resonated with her, and some fell very flat. Especially the ones calling her a moron or an idiot. To which I told her to ignore its Reddit; could be much worse. What hurt her the most were the comments telling me to not only drop out of the wedding but drop her all together.

Much like I told everyone, I’m her ride or die, telling me to leave wasn’t the advice I was seeking. The advice I wanted was all for her. She told me she would have never blamed me, but me choosing to stay by her side is what she needed.

Now about the fiancé and wedding. One of the post that really hit Celine was the one about what her future kid’s Christmas look like, what would be under the tree, and what would his role in supporting be. When she imagined that future, she said not once had he told her that he wanted her children. She also knew he wouldn’t be a reliable partner.

She then worried about her things and especially her cat. To which I told her we will all figure it out, but she has support and doesn’t have to worry about it in that moment. I told her I just wanted her to be happy and that it’s been a long time since I’ve seen her truly happy.

She waits a couple of days and sees him in person to call everything off. She calls me and says he’s in the other room crying and telling her all the things she’s been wanting to hear. How he will sign the marriage papers, and will take her on more dates, all the things she should have been hearing months ago. She tells him to leave.

I go over on Sunday evening to check on her. She’s doing better than I could imagine, but she’s definitely upset. She wonders if she did the right thing until the next events that happen. He’s been sending her texts, and before I got there he sent her a text of a letter he wrote. I read through it, just a bunch of I’m sorry and I will do this going forward. An hour goes by and he sends her a voice memo. He then messages my husband.

At that point she’s starting to feel a bit repulsed. We go to bed and I wake up earlier than her and she wakes up miffed as hell. He sent her a text at 6am and then another at 8am saying he’s hopes she likes the care package he sent last night. I go to the door and see its groceries…. Perishable groceries and a sticker that says, “do not knock.”

She gets another text that he’s doing more therapy and has more scheduled. He’s just love bombing her at this point. We tell Celine’s mom she needs to call or text his mom or Jay that he needs to leave her alone. He is causing her more stress.

She feels better about her choice, but is just worried about getting her belongings back. She said he is keeping the cat since it’s a pet they got together, but she’s worried on how far he will take things.

Thanks again to everyone who gave her good advice. I don’t think I’ll post anymore about this, we all just want to be done and move forward.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Celine made the right choice, though she may find herself questioning that from time to time; and you are a very good friend.

OOP: I told her it sucks now, but we will laugh about it in the happy years to come.

Why can't Celine get her cat from her ex's place?

OOP: She has two cats. Her cat that she had before him, that lives with her. The second cat that is at his place that they got together when his neighbor said they couldn’t take the cat with. He’s claiming that one.

She also can’t have another cat at her place so I was trying to find another person who would want her.

OOP clarifies with more details regarding the cat who is still at the ex's place

OOP: One thing I did leave out. She left behind her gun at his place, bullets, and everything; this was before she broke things off. She never had an opportunity to get it back.

We are worried if we showed up, given his mental state it could go south real quickly especially if he sees us trying to take the cat. We have no clue when he’s home or not.

I’m not about to go to someone’s home who is unstable right now and potentially have everyone in danger. She loves the cat, but let’s be more reasonable here we like living more.

Commenter 2: Not caring about a cats life and wellbeing is really sad and disgusting. He needs to not be there when she gets her things. If she’s worried about a gun, call the MF police!!!!! Get her shit and get the cat!!!!!!

OOP: 100% there with you. I told her I’m worried about the safety, and she needs to get a police escort if she goes there to retrieve her items especially getting the gun.

As for the cat, it might be harder to collect the cat since the former neighbor gave them the cat, and would most likely side with Jay.

I wish it was a simple we can snag it, but I doubt the police would see it that way. NGL they kinda suck at my state.

Commenter 3: If her name is listed as the cat owner at the vet’s and she paid all the bills (which I assume she did since he was a financial mess), that cat is hers and she doesn’t have to let him keep it. I’m glad she got out of that relationship though! Good on you for watching out for her.

OOP: No, and he was using the neighbor who is a vet to give him meds for the cat. I think it would be an uphill battle to get the cat back since he can prove he had as much of a claim to the cat as she does.

Commenter 3: You said that he wouldn’t even fix a window to make sure “her cat” wouldn’t get out. Did she bring the cat with her? Personally, given the window situation, I’d grab the cat along with my stuff when he wasn’t there and fight about it later. Always save the cat.

OOP: She has another cat that lives with her. She didn’t want to bring him over till he got the window fixed since he likes to bat the windows when he’s looking at the squirrels. The other cat they got together, she’s older and was the former neighbors cat.

While I’m always down to save the cat, the issue is trying to prove she has more of a right the that cat then he does.

----NEW UPDATE----

Update #2: October 13, 2026 (over one month later)

Hi again, I know I said the last update would be the last, but everyone wanted to know about the cat.

We just passed the set wedding date and of course no wedding occurred. A lot has transpired from the last time I updated, and we had to go quiet since the police got involve.

For starters, the cat is safe, and she has new owners who will give her all the love she needs. He realized he couldn’t keep her especially after he asked Celine’s parents what cat food does she buy for the cat. He never once bought food for the cat since they had her.

She did get her gun back, he brought it over immediately after realizing he could get in a shit ton of trouble keeping it.

So what’s all transpired… well when it came to getting her belongings. She had a LOT of things at his place. He was trying to keep her from coming over, but kept harassing everyone. He sent her friends multiple messages, her parents, and the kicker was he sent her messages when he supposedly “blocked” her.

Messages would range from I miss you, why can’t we talk, then to “fuck you” I don’t love you. She would get voice messages of him calling Celine a narcissist and how her friends are narcissistic. How his therapist went through messages and said she’s is a narcissistic manipulator and confirmed he was in the right.

The scary part is if I was over, I’d get messages from him and then he would ask the mom if I was over at Celine’s.

So Celine calls the cops and they take our statements, we get the paper trail started. They also confirm she can get her belongings. However, our statements sucks so they said they couldn’t escort her but if things get dicey then she could call.

Luckily when getting her belongings, no cops were needed to be called. He stood in the other rooms refusing to speak to her. He only spoke to her parents. He brought his mom who would say it’s Celine’s fault the wedding didn’t go through and how he was ready now. Only to be silenced when Celine’s mother threw it back at her that the last phone call they had said otherwise. When she said he wanted to cancel the wedding.

Sadly she didn’t get all of her items and she's trying to make a log of what’s still missing. He was still harassing her but the cops told him to stop. We are working on a case of harassment since his latest hijinks is faking amnesia and messaging her parents.

Overall, she’s done with him and can say 100% with certainty that she made the right decision. So thanks Reddit for your advice. Celine also says thanks!

From my perspective she already looks happier.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any relevant comments in this latest update

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/helpmereddittrip

My clique of friends [23/24F] planned a grad trip for months and we are supposed to go in end April or early May but one friend is pregnant and wants to cancel and go another year.

Original Post Feb 7, 2016

Hi reddit. I need your help on how to navigate this situation with minimal hurt feelings. I have a clique of friends. There are 5 girls including me, Kayla, Aly, Erica and Alexa. Over the 4 years in university, the clique has expanded to include our SOs and now there are 10 of us. We are all in our last year of university and we have been planning to tour Europe after graduation. It is meant to be a fun graduation trip for us.

We have all been extremely excited for the trip. 8/10 of us are studying law and we have secured job positions in different companies. Our last semester ends in late April and we will officially graduate in mid-July. After official graduation, those of us taking Law (8/10 of us) will have to hit the books again and take the bar examination and then immediately start training. There will be very little time to go for such a trip when we start working.

All of us have been looking forward to this trip immensely. We started a group chat where we talk about possible places to visit and frequently edit our possible itinerary. Last December Alexa found out she was pregnant. She is keeping the baby. This leads us to problem number #1. Her relationship with her SO, Adrian, has ended very acrimoniously. Adrian says Alexa sabotaged his birth control and stopped taking her birth control to trap him with a baby and Alexa vehemently denies it. It is basically a she said-he said situation. This leaves the rest of us in a very awkward position. Alexa and Adrian have been dating for 1 & 1/2 years and during that time, he has become very close friends with the rest of us. Even though we have known Alexa for longer, I actually get along better with Adrian and enjoy his company more. Being friends with both of them is becoming very exhausting and challenging.

Onto problem number #2: Alexa would be close to 6 months pregnant when we leave for the trip and we would be travelling for more than 2 months. The travelling would be very hard on her understandably. Despite this, none of us are keen to cancel the trip as we have been looking forward to this trip for ages and would not be able to go for another one soon if we cancel this trip. 

Also, Aly and Kayla come from lower income families and have taken on additional part time work to save for this trip. They have saved penny by penny and I do not think it is fair to them who have juggled their studies and work to save for this trip, to cancel the trip. We have still been updating the group chat regularly. On Saturday Alexa suddenly says ‘haha guys, my baby will be born in August. We should go on the trip next year.’ In the group chat. I think she expects us to cancel the trip.

Nobody replied to the message except Erica who just said ‘lol’. A few hours after that Alexa says into the group chat ‘btw guys the baby shower is planned on 16th June and I want everyone there!! ;p’ 16th June is right smack in the middle of the trip we are planning. It would be awful to skip her baby shower but this trip was planned months in advance. She just made the situation so much more awkward. Is it okay to have baby showers nearing the due date? Or even after the baby has been born? When can the earliest baby shower be done?

Problem #3: I have spoken with the rest of the group privately and all of them have expressed desire to continue with the trip as it is but no one really knows what to say to Alexa. Any suggestions? Adrian has also expressed interest in coming for the trip.

Problem #4: I don’t know what exactly happened but something has changed the group dynamics. Erica, Aly and the other SOs are starting to really dislike Alexa. Especially Erica who can be very cold towards Alexa now when she wasn’t before. She says Alexa is in the wrong and is siding with Adrian on this issue although I do not know how she knows so confidently that Alexa is wrong. I am neutral on this issue and am not taking sides yet.

Ugh I feel like I’m in such a sticky situation. Please help me reddit. How can I tell Alexa we do not wish to cancel the trip even if it means having to skip the baby shower? Should we still include Adrian in the trip who still really wants to go?    tl;dr: Grad trip planned months in advance, friend is pregnant and wants to cancel trip that some of us have been saving for and looking forward to. Friend's relationship with SO also ended badly and her SO is our close friend making the situation awkward.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

You absolutely will not be able to take this sort of trip once you all start work. One of you needs to sit down with Alexa and tell her that you can't cancel the trip and you won't be able to delay it by a year as it's very much a now or never for at least 8 of you.

I wouldn't raise the Adrian issue. He was invited just like everyone else wasn't he? Alexa wanting to cancel her trip doesn't change that.

OOP

I think that person would be me unfortunately. I don't really know what to say especially about the baby shower thing.

~

daeshina

I'd say to be upfront. You guys had planned (and booked?) this trip ages ago, including two of you saving every single spare scrap of money they had in order to go on this trip. I get the feeling that Alexa is one who isn't studying law -- is she graduating this year and going into a job (or at least was planning on it before she got pregnant)? If so, she might be shortsightedly seeing that as she will have loads of free time next year, then all the rest of your group will also have loads of free time.

As for her SO, I've no idea on how to handle that. He was introduced as Alexa's SO but some of you are now friends with him so it's not like you can go "well we're not close with Adrian without Alexa so it'd feel weird him hanging around with us". Inviting him risks upsetting/angering Alexa.

Alexa will be upset, but honestly...she knows this trip has been planned for ages, and she's going to upend things (even unknowingly/without intentional malice). She might be uber-excited about having a baby and wants everyone to be there to celebrate, but your vacation is something that you likely won't be able to plan and do again for a good number of years (and almost likely a cut-down version; very few places would let someone have a two month vacation I'd imagine).

As to when baby showers are thrown, it generally varies. I normally see them around the end of the second trimester/beginning of the third (so ~22 to ~28 weeks) but some people may have them earlier, some later. June from August puts her probably around 28-32ish weeks depending on exactly when in August she is due.

OOP

wow, you are quite right on the mark. Alexa is not the one studying law. She studied liberal arts course and has not secured a job yet. She doesn't know what she wants to do yet whereas the rest of us have already picked out a career path. We are thinking of throwing her an earlier baby shower right before the trip so that we can continue the trip guilt-free. We still want to invite Adrian and he still really wants to go so I don't know... We would feel awful to uninvite him.

Update  Feb 22, 2016 (15 days later)

Hi reddit. I’m back again with an update. Unfortunately my previous post was locked but I think you can still read it. The link is here: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/44l020/my_clique_of_friends_2324f_planned_a_grad_trip/

I have gotten a few PMs asking for an update. I even got one less than 24 hours after I posted the original. I decided if things went well, I wasn’t going to update. As you can already guess, things did not go well.

Firstly, I wanted to say thank you to everyone who replied. I didn’t manage to reply to everyone but I did read everyone’s comments. The day after I posted on reddit, I discussed with the rest of the group to ensure everyone was one the same page and it was decided that I would speak to Alexa on behalf of everyone. 

This was what I texted her: “Alexa, we got your message about the baby shower. We would still like to go for the graduation trip after so much planning and saving for it. Going next year or even in the next few years is not feasible for us due to work. Unfortunately, we will not be able to attend your planned baby shower as a result. We would still like to celebrate your baby shower after we return from the trip and throw another separate baby shower. How does that sound to you? :) ” I sent her this privately. She replied “Ok”. So that’s it right? Crisis averted. All is well.

We then created another group chat to discuss her baby shower. Things like venue, food, presents and other logistics. Here is where things start to go wrong. Two days after we created the group chat for her baby shower, Alexa removed herself from the group chat. Aly was the one who noticed it and pointed it out to everyone. At this point, we are all becomingly increasingly annoyed with this kind of passive-aggressive behaviour from Alexa. I texted Alexa privately again and just cut straight to the chase.

This was our conversation:

Me: Alexa, why did you leave the group chat for the baby shower? Are you not keen on doing a separate baby shower?

Alexa: Why are you still going for the trip? >: ( We planned it TOGETHER. It is very unfair to go without me.

Me: This trip was planned months in advance and everyone else still wants to go…

Alexa: It's not fair to me to leave me behind. If everyone doesn’t go its fair to everyone.

Me: What about Aly and Kayla who have been saving for this trip? Are you going to give back the time they spent saving for this trip?

Alexa: Ppl who cannot afford a month’s rent or food dont deserve vacations.

Me: Listen. Everything has been planned for the trip. Even though you will be missed during the trip, we are still looking forward to it. Let us know if you would like the separate baby shower. 

Alexa: Fuck you. fucking anorexic bitch.

I did not reply anything after that exchange. I'm a bit hurt honestly as I've always been on the thin side and have had multiple strangers come up to me to ask if I'm anorexic and it makes me feel self conscious. all my friends know this.

If you recall from the original post, I mentioned that Aly and Kayla come from lower income families. Only my 3 of us from come wealthy families. The rest of us are from middle income families. Kayla’s family is extremely poor. She lives with her parents in a rented 2 room apartment that is very small. Last year her mother fell ill and had to stop working and they struggled to pay rent. I have helped her out twice to help her family cover rent. She has paid me back since then.  She never eats out and brings her own food from home. She and Aly are studying on a scholarship and have been working every weekend and some evenings while studying full time to save for this trip for the past year. If this semester goes well, Kayla has a very high chance of being the valedictorian.

I also did mention in a comment that one of the reasons I am not close to Alexa is that we have differing political opinions that are very hard to reconcile. This is only one of them. She has some very snobbish ideas about poor people, homeless people and people who require monetary assistance from the government. I have noticed this in her frequently though it has been very low key.

I showed the rest of the group how the messages went and asked them not to show Kayla or Aly but obviously their SOs were upset and told them and eventually they found out anyway. Aly and Kayla were very upset and angry about what Alexa said. I wanted to minimise hurting people’s feelings but it seems like I have done the opposite. We have not spoken to Alexa since that day and she hasn’t texted us either. If she still wants us to plan another shower, we would do it. But honestly, I hope she doesn’t.

As for Adrian, we have decided not to un-invite him. The reason being that he was already invited long before this situation occurred and it would be rude to un-invite him. I know there were many people saying he should not go and it would be irresponsible for him to go but I think that is something Adrian will decide for himself. At this point it seems like Adrian intends to only be involved in the child’s life financially. I do not necessarily agree with his choice, but again that is his choice to make. I asked him whether he still wanted to come for the trip and he said he definitely wants to. I told him if he wished to drop out due to the baby at any point, it would be perfectly fine. He said that probably won’t happen.

So that’s the whole update. I’m still very excited for this trip despite all the drama that has happened. Thank you to everyone for their advice.

tl;dr: Told Alexa we are still going for the trip and would like to plan a separate baby shower for her after the trip. She seemed okay with it at first but later said it was unfair for us to go without her. Eventually led to her insulting me. Haven't spoken to her since then. We are still going ahead with the trip.

FINAL COMMENTS

PS_0o0o0

"If she still wants us to plan another shower, we would do it."

Has the rest of the group shared this sentiment as well, or are you using a royal we?

OOP

The latter.

PS_0o0o0

You need to stop doing that, because it's rather presumptuous of you to think that you get to speak for the others in your group about whether or not they want to have anything to do with her after her behavior.

OOP

Yeah you're right. I really doubt the friendship can be mended now. I've also come to realise she is toxic and doesn't deserve a second chance especially when she went out to hurt me and the other girls deeply. We will discuss it as a group if she does decide on the shower.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Sad-Lemon-2516

Originally posted to r/TwoXChromosomes

A creep from my gym waited for me outside with flowers. Management won't do anything. My membership ends in 5 days, what would you do?

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post: October 10, 2026

I need an outside perspective on this because my brain is spinning.

I go to the most expensive gym in my city. It's a small place, but it's right next to my favorite coffee shop and grocery stores.

Recently, a guy from the gym started messaging me unsolicited on social media, so I blocked him. Today, he left the gym before me, waited outside the entrance, and tried to shove an ugly flower into my hands as I walked out. I gave him “no, thank you” and kept walking.

I reported this to the front desk/management, and they completely brushed it off and refused to do anything about it saying "well it didn't happen IN the gym"

My membership expires in 5 days. Part of me is furious at the idea of changing my life and routine over a weirdo. But it's a small gym; I already know that if I renew, I'll be scanning the room and avoiding machines near him, which defeats the purpose of working out.

The alternative is switching to a gym further away. It would add extra walking time to my day, but it would be a fresh start where I don't have to keep my guard up 24/7.

I haven't decided what to do yet. Would you try to tough it out and claim your space, or is walking further for actual peace of mind always the smarter move? How would you handle these last 5 days? I'm sooo confused and scared (19f).

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this original post. Lots of advice were provided for OOP

Top Comments

Commenter 1: I'd be furious that they would ignore a gym member harassing another member. I'd switch out of spite, they aren't getting another dime from me.

Commenter 2: Definitely leave a review, regardless of whether OP sticks around. Might kick them into action if they get publicly shamed about it.

"Staff were made aware that I was being stalked and harassed by another customer and did nothing. This is not a safe gym for women."

Commenter 3: Cancel my membership and post it to Instagram. It won't go far, but it's the thought that counts. Lastly, tell all my girlfriends at the gym, hoping they cancel with me.

Commenter 4: It’s up to you but I’d choose peace of mind considering the gym staff have shown where they stand.

The thing about creeps is that they tend to follow and you wouldn’t want this guy to find where you live. It sucks that some idiot can change your life that way, but you never know who is going to escalate and how far they will go.

Commenter 5: Report it to the owner of the gym. The front desk is probably not empowered to do anything.

Show the owner the review you've written to post if they continue to be dismissive of your safety.

Update: October 11, 2026 (next day)

UPDATE: A creep waited for me outside with flowers & gym didn't care

First of all, thank you so much to everyone who commented on my previous post. Reading through your perspectives helped me ground myself when I was going insaneee in my head. I am SO SO GRATEFUL to everyone!!!

After sleeping on it, I’ve decided to use the remaining 5 days of my membership and see how I actually feel in the space before making any decisions.

Tbh the idea of immediately altering my daily life, route, and habits over some weirdo made me feel completely powerless. Long-term, I think it’s better to learn how to stand my ground and protect myself. I do carry self-defense tools with me, and I'm on high alert, but if it gets worse I guess I'll leave or try to contact my male friends/ relatives.

If over these 5 days I realize the mental tax and cortisol spikes just aren't worth it, I will walk away to a new gym. But I want this to be my deliberate choice for peace of mind, not a panicked reaction. I can’t always be running away I guess... Also when he was trying to give me a flower I said no thank you, and he said "ok" then... maybe I’m hoping for better too much.

As for the gym itself: their dismissal of a member being stalked right outside their doors is unacceptable for a place charging premium rates. I will definitely be leaving them an honest 1-star review on Google Maps once I'm done to hold them accountable and warn other women in my city. if anyone wants to help me please dm.

Thank you all for reminding me that I have the power here, whatever I end up choosing and thank you once again for so many upvotes. as a young girl it just matters so much.

What do y'all think?

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this update

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Maybe write a recorded letter to the management telling your exact story.

Sometimes the wrong people, people basically speaking out of their station, will dismiss victims like this.

If the right person reads your account, they may well deal with it in a far more appropriate manner

Commenter 2: Please, tell them in excruciating detail why you are leaving (if you do). See if you can get some kind of member retention person, someone who will actually listen to what you have to say, and spell it all out how badly they've failed you. It may not do anything, but who knows, they might actually do something. Either way, I bet it'll feel good!

A brutal Google review is also an excellent idea, please make sure to stick to the facts, and note any opinions as such in case they threaten you with legal action. Give 'em hell!

Commenter 3: You really need to go to higher up management about this art the film. They need to know they’re allowing a potentially dangerous situation on their property.

Also, don’t be afraid to be LOUD and BIG. Yell at this creep. Call him out loudly and publicly when he approaches you. Make a scene. Mane a lot of noise and attract attention. Cowards run from attention.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Throwaway06174

My [24f] boyfriend [28m] will be spending Valentine's Day alone with another girl, and I'm angry

TRIGGER WARNING: financial abuse, medical emergency

Thanks to u/bulbapuppaur for helping with the comments

Original Post  Feb 4, 2016

So my boyfriend (of 1 year, we just moved in together) had planned a week long, cross country trip a few months ago with some friends to see one of his favorite bands who are playing a 3 day reunion show the 11-14. I don't really listen to the band, but it's Valentine's Day and he wanted me there so he offered to buy my ticket (100 for the weekend). There were supposed to be 4 of us going, so he told me I'd just have to pay for my share of gas, 50 bucks, and that he had a place arranged for us to stay with some girl he met while traveling a few years ago.

Well now it is nearing, and he told me that it would be just him and I going as his friends couldn't get off work. He asked me if I had the 100 bucks for the ticket (ummmm?) and told me my share of gas would now be 150 bucks.

I live paycheck to paycheck, and just do not have an extra 250 bucks at the moment and told him that. He said he is still going, and will still be staying (alone!) with this girl for those 4 days. He refuses to stay in a motel because it's a "waste of money." I asked him about why he said he'd pay for my ticket as a Valentine's gift if he's going to make me pay on short notice, and he doesn't recall ever saying that.

I'm just really angry and sick to my stomach and don't know how to approach this with him. I'm mad he went back on his offer and I'm even more mad he will be spending Valentine's sleeping at this girls house he barely knows, alone.

I want to have a mature discussion with him about this but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable and don't know how to approach it? What should I say? Thanks!

tl;dr: boyfriend retracted his "gift" of buying my ticket for a concert , now I can't go as I can't afford it, and he's still going and staying with some girl I don't know to save motel costs. What do I do?"

EDIT: okay I showed my boyfriend this post so he could see he was being ridiculous and he wants to type his side of things so here we go:

I never offered to buy her ticket. when I said I would buy hers for her I meant I would buy it when I bought mine since it was a lottery system but apparently she took it the wrong way. Also I told her we would split the gas evenly between the 4 of us so that would be 50 dollars for her and she said "I can manage to save 50 dollars over the next few months" but now that people dropped I think it is still fair that we split it evenly. Also I am not going to fuck this girl I love my girlfriend but it's a FREE PLACE TO STAY and that's all it is. I love my girlfriend and want her to go and am willing to loan her the money if she pays me back eventually, I just think relationships are a 50/50 effort and that she should contribute equally to this trip. She could pay me 20 a month until it's paid off I really don't care I just think it's fair that we are equal in this relationship.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP added this info in the comments

I just want to clarify, he said "I'll buy your ticket since its Valentine's Day and I want you there with me, but he suddenly doesn't remember this.

And cryptic on the band

He is obsessed with this band. He listens to this band pretty much exclusively. And they have been broken up since the 90s I believe and probably will never have another concert again after this one. So yes, this means a lot to him.

~

[deleted]

Listen closely... you don't have a boyfriend anymore. This is some bullshit. People who are committed don't pull this. He's pushing you out and trying to make it seem like this is solely a financial decision. It's not. So either this guy is absolutely clueless, or he's fucking around with this chick. I guess that's for you to decide.

OOP

He's not fucking around with her yet, but that's my biggest fear. Also even if it's just a platonic place to stay, it doesn't seem fair that she gets to stay up late hanging out with my boyfriend while I sit at our apartment alone on v-day. Besides, can afford a hotel, he just came into a sizable inheritance.

dontknowmulch

If he just came into a sizable inheritance, why bother for a hotel room - why doesn't he just pay for your ticket and gas? Supposedly he wanted you there because it was over Valentine's Day. Strange.

OOP

I don't mind paying for 50 dollars in gas because that's what I agreed to months ago. I take my word pretty seriously. I think it's a big part of someone's character. But yes, strange...

MadAsAMarchHare

It honestly worries me that you used the word "yet." How close is he to this other girl? Is there any evidence you have that might lead you to expect that he likes her or wants to have sex with her?

OOP

I don't know her. He met her once when he was on tour and she let his band crash there after a show. She was a big fan or whatever. I was sitting next to him when he texted and asked if him, his girlfriend, and two friends could crash for this concert trip and she said yes. So no there's no evidence to suggest that, and I do not believe he intends to. But now that he would be alone, crashing with a half-stranger who is a girl while he will most likely be intoxicated is just disrespectful to your girlfriend and a recipe for disaster if you ask me.

Like, I would never ever cheat on him. But would I go to a concert, get drunk, then go sleep on some guys couch I barely knew? No, because that's disrespectful to him and is a window for cheating essentially.

macimom

Big fan=groupie. So he stayed the night with her before when she was one of his groupies?

croatanchik

Uh huh.

~

spindly_young_man

So he will pay the whole 300 for gas, eat the cost of your ticket, and go alone vs having company and 50 bucks for gas from you? Shit is crazy. Where is it written that anyone in the car has to pay half? Especially for your girlfriend! He is being an a-hole. Sorry about that.

OOP

He was going to sell my ticket otherwise, and take a 300 dollar round trip flight he found. But yes he'd rather go alone than not go. He is a huge fanatic of this band

and it's a one-time reunion show.

Janedoe1216

He's willing today $300 for a flight- himself- and not cover the $300 in gas for the car..?

OOP

The flight is actually 370 apparently, so if he covered my ticket and all but 50 in gas, he would be paying 180 for tickets and 250 for gas for a total of 430.

If he sold my ticket and flew he would be paying 90 for a ticket and 370 for a flight for a total of 460.

So technically, he's saving money by taking me plus my company is priceless ;) (kidding). But yeah when I think about it in this light, fuck him.

~

firebreathingyak

On the BF's edit: if it was something you both really wanted to do, and had planned for, and you both had pretty equal incomes, then splitting the ticket price & gas would make sense. But it's clear that he's the one that loves Ween, and you don't really care & don't have the money. When I really want to do something & my boyfriend is indifferent, the onus is on me, "equal partnership" or not.

If he loves you & wants you to go on this, he should make it a gift. It's absolutely mind-boggling that he's willing to go alone, eating all the costs, but will not let you come along for free. Insisting on 50/50 and not staying at a motel shows serious stinginess.

Update - rareddit  Feb 22, 2016 (18 days later)

 Just wanted to update you guys, we went on the trip and it was kind of awful.

Things were going pretty well on the way there, I was excited to see all of these new states. When we were coming over a high peak in Colorado where we stopped for gas, I started experiencing some problems... I couldn't breathe, was gasping for air, experienced temporary paralysis in my arms in legs, started to hallucinate, was delirious, heart racing and incredible chest pain. He was very calm and comforting as he rushed me to the ER. They said I was severely hypokalemic, which was enhanced by the altitude. My potassium was so low I could have went into cardiac arrest (about 2.4) and I spent a while hooked up to a heart monitor getting IV fluids and potassium. So that was the first damper on the trip.

We rested up for the show the next day. Every thing was going well. I wasn't really enjoying the show or the band but was happy that he was and was trying to dance and enjoy it :) We went to buy a beer from the concession stand, and when I noticed it was cash only I asked him if he could buy me a drink as I only had my card, and that I'd get his breakfast the next morning. He said "no, they're 8 dollars, but you can have a water." Okay... For the second day of the show I was designated as beer mule though, and was responsible for sneaking in a 6 pack past security in places like my underwear, bra, purse, etc. shitty.

We left on Valentine's Day, which we had agreed we were going to celebrate with each other. I had gotten him some nice chocolate and a hand written card but soon realized he hadn't gotten me anything, so I felt pretty stupid since we agreed we were going to.

On the way home (still Valentine's Day) we passed through this beautiful park and I wanted to explore and walk one of the trails for about an hour, but he said "just look from the car we don't have time." That would have been fine, if we didn't spend 2 hours after that so he could go to the dispensary and spend an incredibly long time at the comic book store.

So we got back home eventually, and went to his dad's to pick up my dog. I was telling his dad about the hospital fiasco, and at one point his dad said "wow were you scared? That's awful!" I told him I was kind of too much in shock to be scared, and that I think (boyfriend) was the scared one, to which he chimed in "nah I wasn't." Which made me feel really weird.

Then a night after I discovered he used to frequently solicit sex workers up to a month before he met me, something he's always said he's so against, and when confronted about it he lied to my face.

So yeah, I put in my 30 day notice with the leasing office. I don't need this bullshit.

TL;DR: boyfriend was a giant asshat the entire trip and a breakup is imminent.

FINAL COMMENTS

[deleted]

Good on you for recognizing it though. That is some grade A asshole behavior he showed there. Better now than later. And his edit to your last post, I don't see how ANYONE would have thought he meant he would buy it for you so you could pay him back without expressly saying that.

Edit: wasn't mentioned but I have to ask, did y'all stay with that girl or even see her?

OOP

Yes, we stayed with her, but she was barely even at her apartment the entire time we were there. We talked to her twice, briefly.

And yes, I agree.

~

[deleted]

Celebrate a belated Valentine's day by loving yourself, which it seems you've already made a great stride toward in dumping that asshole. :P

(Which is not to say you don't already love yourself, just that it's a special time to.)

OOP

Yeah I actually cried and ate all of the chocolate I got him out of spite which was probably immature of me but it was really fucking good.

[deleted]

Only thing I could suggest to improve it would be to have messily eaten the chocolate in front of him while snarling, "Much too good for children."

OOP

idk it was 100 mg of weed chocolate i didn't actually think things out too well it was spur of the moment.

OOP on the breakup

We have a lease together, and something I've noticed with him is that he tends to run away from situations he can't deal with. I really care about my credit, and don't want him to stiff me on his half of rent for March or bills or any of that sort of thing. So come March 1st, after we pay, I will be letting him know that I put in my notice, want to break up, and he can either keep the place or start searching for a new place as well.

And finally who was the band???

I agree. He has an unhealthy obsession with Ween though, and I try to imagine if Jerry Garcia rose from the dead for one last show I would also have tunnel vision. But yeah it was strange hahah.

&

that was the weirdest god damn show i have ever seen

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/TheNiteOwl38

Originally posted to r/TalesFromTheFrontDesk

Editor's note: DNR is short for "Do Not Rent". It's the hotel's internal list of people who are not allowed to rent a room at the hotel or with the hotel chain.

All You Had To Do Was Move Your Skittle Out Of My Lot!! - posted 2026-02-04

I think I've mentioned this before, but the property my hotel sits on contains a few bars, some restaurants, and a nightclub. And honestly, the nightclub is the one I hate the most because it causes the most problems for us at the hotel. The main reason is that their customers are constantly trying to get in to use our restroom. And they never want to take no for an answer when I tell them that they can't come in because they aren't guests. The other reason is because their customers try and use our loading and unloading lot to park in because it's right across from the club and it gets them out of having to pay for the club's valet service or paying to use one of the pay lots that's on the property.

Now I've been able to handle the first pretty easily. I just don't let club goers in, and I've gotten pretty good about spotting them. I mean they tend to stick out against my normal guests. But the second problem took a little longer to remedy. Basically, we had to get pretty consistent about towing cars that belonged to the club's customers. To minimize the chances that we don't accidentally tow a guest's car, we have a security camera attached to the outside of the building that points at that lot, and conveniently has a view of the club, so we can see if the people who parked came into the hotel or went to the club. After a while, word got around that if you park in our lot, you're gonna end up paying to get your car out of impound. While it might still happen occasionally, the number has gone WAY down.

Well last night, as I was walking up the hotel for my shift, and walking right next to that lot, I noticed we had someone from the club parked in that lot. That's unusual because normally the club's closed on Tuesdays, but apparently they had a private event or something with a VIP performer. When I walked into the hotel I asked the pm shift why the owner of the club was parked in our lot? She said she didn't know he was and how did I know it was the club owner's car (she's new so she doesn't know how to spot it). I informed her that I knew it was his because when the club first opened, he was one of the worst offenders parking in our lot. He used to even tell his valets (who he always made park his car because he's too busy to park it himself) that we gave him permission. News flash, we never did. The other reason I know it's his is because he drives a bright yellow Lamborghini with a very distinct license plate.

After the pm shift left, I called our guard and told that he needs to have the club's valets move their boss's car or I'm towing it. He came back a few minutes later saying that according to the valets who spoke with the owner, that we were to be told he'd only be there this one night for a few hours, and that we needed to extend a courtesy to him. I called my GM (mostly to cover my ass) who said no exceptions to the rule. I informed the guard to go back and deliver this message. And I told him to use these exact words so that they'd know I was not messing around. "Tell them that if that car isn't moved in 15 minutes, I'm having that bright ass skittle towed."

He called my bluff.

Since Tuesdays are slow, I was able to watch as the tow truck came and picked up the car. I was also able to watch as the owner came running out to talk to the tow truck driver. After paying the drop fee, the car was let down and he moved the car. The am shift, who thought I might want to know this, messaged me that the club owner came in earlier this afternoon demanding that we compensate him. That either we pay him back the $200 drop fee or let him have a free night at the hotel, otherwise he would consider taking legal action. The GM informed in no uncertain terms that were not going to reimburse him. That we would not give him a free night as he was still banned from ever staying with us again (how he ended up on the DNR list is a fun story too). And if he wanted to take legal action he was free to do so, but there is documentation that he has previously been warned to not park in our loading and unloading lot, there is footage of him ignoring those pervious warnings by parking there last night, and that the auditor documented everything for the hotel.

He left pissed off. Luckily, we know he won't take legal action because he's threatened it before to try and get his way, not just with us but with the property itself. But he keeps getting reminded that since he does not own the property, and only leases the space the club uses, he cannot disregard the property's rules, or the hotel's rules since the hotel actually owns the property that it sits on (both the building and it's lots) separate from the property at large.

Not gonna lie, that news about him trying to throw his weight around and our GM not having it put a smile on my face. It's a good start to my days off.

----

The Nightclub Owner's Story - posted 2026-02-10

I teased in one of my last posts about how the owner of the nightclub that sits on the same property/compound as the hotel got his entitled ass put on our DNR list. That had people really wanting to hear that story. So, okay… here we go. Strap in, this is a long one because this story gets wild.

This story takes place like three or four years ago. It's the club's opening night and from the start we basically got shown what kind of problems we were going to have with them. Their customers coming over here trying to use our restrooms, parking in our loading and unloading lot, and even trying to gain entrance into our main parking lot. On top of that the owner has rented himself a room in my hotel. I’m doing my best to just roll with the parking and restroom issues when maybe a little after 1 am, this guy who looks to be in his mid-40s (and looks like what a bootleg version of the principal from Back to the Future would look like if you ordered him off Temu) walks in with two girls, both who look to be in their twenties. One of the girls looks really pissed off, probably because she’s helping the guy practically carry/drag the other girl who is way too drunk to move around on her own.

This isn’t a red flag at all, I think. So I ask if everything’s alright. He tells me everything’s fine, that he’s the owner of the nightclub, and that he's taking the drunk girl up to his room, and the other girl is his bartender and she’s helping. The bartender rolls her eyes and gets an even more pissed off look on her face because she knows how unbelievably creepy that sounded. Before I can question if he’s some kind of walking red flag, he tells me that she’s with him, she just had too much to drink. He has the bartender hold her up while he gives me her ID and I verify that yes, she is with him because she’s listed on the reservation as an accompanying guest. So, against my better judgement, I let them go upstairs and pray that’s all that happens.

I’m not that lucky.

Maybe two minutes later the phone rings and it's a guest from one of the floors saying that I need to hurry upstairs because it sounds like a woman is being murdered. I mentally start cursing because I already know what this is, and tell her I’ll be right up. Then, before I get even six steps from the desk, not even near the door, the phone rings again. Another guest from the same floor says that there’s a woman shouting bloody murder. Same thing, I’ll be right up. As I'm walking toward the elevator, I hear the phone again, but ignore it because I already know what it is.

I mentally brace for what I’m getting into, and in a weird way, I’m not disappointed. When I get to the floor, and before the elevator doors even open, I can already hear the screaming. When the doors do open, it goes from muffled screaming, to full on shrieking and crying. I don’t mean this next part as a euphemism, or to be descriptive. I mean this in the most literal of senses… it sounded like a fucking horror movie! This bitch was screaming like Michael Myers was stabbing her to death.

I get to the hallway, and the club owner and the bartender are standing there, looking all kinds of awkward. And the drunk girl is on her hands and knees, screaming at the top of her lungs about how she hates him, and her stomach hurts, and fuck you (to the bartender), and you're a piece of shit (to the club owner). I don't even ask what's going on, I skip straight to saying he needs to quiet her ass down and get her into his room. The bartender and him both say they're trying but she doesn't want to do as she's told. The drunk girl then shouts, "Fuck you, Strickland (not his real name)! Don't make me call your wife!"

At that statement the club owner finally just picks her up of the floor, carries her to the room, and throws her inside, leaving me and the bartender in the hallway. It was a very awkward ride down. The bartender makes a quick apology and says that she should've know better than to come work for him again. That means this shit has happened before. Back down on the first floor I start hoping that this is done for the night.

Again, I'm not that lucky.

A half hour later, the club owner comes down to get some drinks. I let him buy the waters and Dr. Peppers. He gets mad when I won't sell him beer because it's past the hotel's cutoff time, but he leaves. He comes back two minutes later. He says the lock is flashing red and green. I almost laugh because apparently, the drunk girl has locked him out of the room using the deadbolt. I go up with him and try to get her to open the door. She won't. And while I'm there, I hear a dog barking inside the room, as well as smell cigarette smoke coming from inside. I tell him I can get the door open, but it'll take me a few minutes to get the machine to do it. He says he'll just get another room for himself.

When we're downstairs getting him another room, this motard then has the audacity to ask for a discount because of "all the inconvenience he's had to deal with." I remind him the he caused all the inconveniences and deny the discount. After he's upstairs and I'm just about to charge his ass for the smoking and the dog, there's a knock on the door. It's the cops. One of the other rooms called them. We go up and the try to get her to open the door. She won't do it. But she tells them that she's okay, she's just mad at herself for falling for the club owner's bullshit again. I ask the cops what they want to do and they say that it doesn't sound like an emergency anymore. They tell her to try and keep it down and they leave. And surprisingly, she does for the rest of the night.

It's now 3 am, and I can finally start processing all this chaos. I add the extra charges, laughing with vengeful satisfaction. Originally, if there'd been no problems, he would've only spent a little under $350. But now, with the cost of a second room, plus the parking fee, plus the pet fee, and plus the smoking fee, he's now looking at a price tag that's a little over a $1000. I log everything, and email my GM, OM, and FOM. At 7 am, I call GM and tell to check his email because there's a guest that needs to be put on the DNR list. He says okay and says that he'll call back when he's done reading. As I'm telling the FOM, who was my relief that morning, what happened, the GM calls and says to put the club owner on the DNR list and to charge his card right then so he doesn't have a chance to go and cancel it so he can get out of paying us. I wasn't there when he was told he was now persona non grata, but I was told that he tried to threaten us with the cops as well as his lawyer and then tried bribing the hotel with no cover at his club. He was told no and to get out.

Well there you. I hopeyou had as much fun reading this as I had telling it to you lmao.

Reminder: I am not OOP.

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/ntengineer

Originally posted to r/ChoosingBeggars, r/EntitledPeople

Post timeline:

• Original post: 2019-09-23
• First update: 2019-09-25
• Final update: 2019-09-29

Thank you for fixing the WiFi, can I have the new password? - posted 2019-09-23

I keep seeing other post about their neighbors stealing WiFi, and I thought I would add mine. Mine is a bit unusual. A little background.

I'm a Uber Geek. I've been an IT person since 1993 and have a lot of very high end equipment I use at home. I purchase business grade equipment often instead of consumer grade equipment, more expensive but it works a lot better, and has some cool features.

So when I moved into my last home we were renting, our landlord also ran a small business. He just had a single computer that he used very rarely for internet access. I was getting FiOS installed into the house and told him that I would set up my equipment and then instead of having to pay for DSL (which was very slow) he could just use my WiFi because it would be super fast. So I proceed to get my FiOS service and then set up my two access points on different channels but with the same name so you can roam around the house and outside the whole yard and have great coverage. I then take my landlord's computer and connect it to my WiFi and he is just happy as happy could be. Here is where the choosing beggar comes from. As part of this, my landlord turns off his DSL and sends back the cruddy DSL Router with WiFi to the telephone provider.

A few days later, I hear a BANG BANG BANG on my BACK door. I open it up, and find my neighbor aka CB.

Me: confused look Hello <name>... awkward silence

CB: Hi, I wanted to know when you were going to get your internet fixed.

Me: My internet is working fine, why are you in my back yard?

CB: looks around I always come through the back yard here, I'm friends with your neighbor on the other side and I always walk through the back yard as a short cut. Doesn't matter, I'm wanting..

Me: (I cut him off) Don't walk through my back yard. My wife will get scared, I have a Great Dane that if she's in the back yard she's not going to be happy you just walking in, and I don't want you to get hurt or her to get out.

CB: I don't care about your dog. I want to know why your Internet is not working.

Me: My internet is working fine, in fact, I'm using it right now!

CB: Well, it's not working for me.

At this point, it dawns on me what he's saying. I guess I was slow that day, I had thought he came over because his internet wasn't working and he figured I knew why cause mine wasn't working either. He was an older man and kind of gruff with his conversational skills, but it finally dawns on me at this point.

Me: (to make sure I ask him to clarify) Are you saying your Internet is not working? And are you wondering if mine isn't working also?

CB: NO! My Internet was working fine until a few days ago. Now, the WiFi that I use to connect to isn't there any more. But I see a really strong other WiFi named <redacted>.

Me: Ahh, I see. The WiFi that you use to connect to was <Landlord's name> WiFi for his business. I didn't know he gave you the password. But he no longer has that service. The only WiFi left in this house is mine.

CB: I see. Well, thank you for making the WiFi a lot better. I use to hardly get a signal before, but now when I look at WiFis in this area, I see a full 5 bars from your new one. That is great. I just need the new password.

Me: I'm not giving you my WiFi password. You need to get your own Internet service.

CB: What?! You have to. I had the old WiFi password, you have to give me your WiFi password!

Me: No, I don't. I pay for the Internet connection here, I am not giving you my WiFi password.

CB: That's not fair! F*cK you! I'm going to call <Landlord> and tell him he needs to kick you out!

Me: Have fun with that! By the way, stay out of my back yard, or I'm going to let my dog out next time and call the cops!

So I close the door as he's just fuming at me, and watch through the window as he marches out of the back yard back to his yard. Of course, he doesn't close the fence all the way, so I go out there in a few minutes and close it. I also pick up my phone and call my Landlord to let him know what is going on. My landlord tells me, he didn't even know that the neighbor was using his Wifi. Anyway, the story doesn't end there.

A few days later I start getting notifications from my access points that someone is trying to break in. This is another great feature of the business class equipment that I have. It send me a notice that a device at MAC ADDRESS is trying to use a program to guess my password. Being an Uber Geek, my WiFi Password is 15 characters long with Upper, Lower, and Numbers. So he's probably not guessing it any time soon. Just to be on the safe side I actually block his MAC from connecting to my access points at all, and also disable the broadcasting of the name.

That weekend I'm out in my front yard, with my laptop, doing some work. My neighbor sees me and starts talking to me much more friendly this time.

CB: I noticed that your WiFi is no longer online. I guess that <Landlord> made you take it down eh? serves you right.

Me: I look at him with a bit of a confused face, because I'm working on my laptop, which obviously means I would be connected to some type of WiFi, but I guess he doesn't think this way No, it's working fine. I talked to <Landlord> and he just laughed when I told him the story.

CB: I'm not seeing your WiFi any more, so I know you are lying.

Me: I changed it so that it is not broadcasting the name any more. That way you don't keep trying to break into it. It was sending me emails that you were trying.

CB: sputtering That... wasn't me... it probably was someone else. Anyway, you should give me your password. It's not fair that I use to use the old WiFi here and now I can't use the new one.

Me: It's not fair or LEGAL that you were stealing the WiFi that use to be here. By the way, I put up a camera in my back yard. Just to make sure you don't try to go through there again. If I see that you have been in my back yard, I will be turning over the footage to the police, as you would be trespassing, and I will press charges.

CB: F*CK YOU!

He ended up waking back into his house while I was still in the front yard. I would run across him from time to time after that walking on the sidewalk in front of my house to get to his friend's house on the other side, always glaring at me. I just waved and laughed.

I talked to his "friend" one day about the whole situation, and he told me that the CB had come to him and complained I wouldn't give him my password, and he told the CB to buy his own internet connection and stop being a cheapskate.

I hope you enjoyed the story. I have other stories about this neighbor, but they don't really belong here, and maybe this one doesn't per-say but I see a lot of others so I thought I would maybe entertain you all a little bit.

----

Neighbor thought he had the right to drive through my back yard Part 1 - posted 2019-09-25

I had posted a story a few days ago about a neighbor I had a few years ago and him trying to get me to give him access to my WiFi. In that thread some people asked if I had other stores from him and if I could post them.

A little bit of background. The backyard of this house is L shaped, because there was a shop in the back yard that took up part of what would normally be a lawn. There was a fence that ran from the left corner of the house straight back to where the back yard went up a hill, but it didn't make a right turn at all and it didn't come across the other side of the lawn to close up the back yard. We would park our vehicles behind the house on a cement pad. Another thing to note, is my wife is disabled and cannot drive our vehicles. This is important for Incident #1

Incident 1: Your cars are in my way

So I'm at work. I have my car with me, but our wheelchair accessible van is parked in our parking area behind the house near the back lawn. My wife calls me on this day really upset. The next door neighbor has banged on our back door (after I told him to stop going in our back yard - see linked story) and when my wife talked to him through the window with him, he demanded that we move our van, because he needed to get his tractor out of his back yard. Of course, my wife is upset about how rude the neighbor is, in addition, I have no clue at all what he's talking about. Why would he need us to move our van in order for him to get his tractor out? She had told him that she couldn't drive the van, and after going back and forth with the neighbor, she finally just closed the window and ignored him and he went away.

So when I got home from work I went over to the neighbor's house to talk to him and find out what is going on. What I found out was that he parks his tractor up the hill that is at the end of both of our yards. And because of the angle of the hill and it getting higher on his property, he has always just drove his tractor down the hill into the now my side of the back yard, and out over the lawn, through the car pad, and down my drive way, then over to his house to use it. Of course, since we've moved in and park our cars on the car pad, they are in the way.

Trying to be a friendly neighbor I told him that I would be more than happy to move my vehicles out of the way if he tells me ahead of time that he will need to move his tractor. I tell him again that I don't want him in my back yard banging on my back door at all. Come to the front door like a normal person. I also tell him that my wife is disabled and that he cannot just bang on the door during the day expecting her to move the van. She cannot drive the van, so won't be able to move it.

He then requested that I give him a key to the van, as he felt he should be able to take out his tractor any time he needs to use it, and having the van park there is just not going to work for him. I don't remember what I told him, but I do remember being dumbstruck for a couple seconds at this completely absurd request. I don't even know why he thought I was going to give my neighbor, who I hadn't even known very long and already had a run in with, a key to my vehicle.

Anyway, I told him absolutely not. If he needs to get his tractor in or out he is to CALL me (and I of course gave him my number) ahead of time and arrange for it. Other than that, he was SOL.

He wasn't happy about the situation and grumbled and cussed at me for a few minutes, stuff about how he's always done it that way before I moved in, and doesn't understand why I won't just park my cars somewhere else, and that he should be able to pull his tractor in and out without having to arrange with me because it is his tractor and not mine. I reminded him that yes, the tractor is his, but the backyard, car pad, and drive way are all mine. So if he wanted to ever get his tractor in and out again through my back yard, he needs to follow my rules, or find a different path.

Finally after a bunch of more grumbling he finally asked if I could move the van so he could get it out right now. I told him I would be happy to, but to remember to call me when he needs to bring it back in. He told me he would call me but that he would also have it out for several days as he had a bunch of yard work to do.

To my surprise he actually started calling me when he need to move his tractor. Except for one time where we had a big storm and a tree came down onto his property and he needed the tractor to help him remove it, which I completely understood and since I was home that day I said no problem.

Things were actually pretty good at this point with the neighbor until I decided to finish fencing in the back yard, but that is another story for another day.

----

Neighbor thought he had the right to drive through my back yard Part 2 - posted 2019-09-29

This is the final part of my run ins with a neighbor I had. He actually ended up selling his house shortly after this and I never saw him again (Yay!).

So the next summer after Part 1 happened, I wanted to enclose my back yard completely. We had two dogs at this point, and wanted to be able to just let them be dogs outside in the nice weather and not have to be supervised all the time, plus we wanted to put in a doggie door to let them in and out on their own.

My project would entail putting in a fence from the end of the long side of the L across the back part of my yard to the shop that was there. Then, putting another segment of fence where the short part of the L was that would run from the main house to the shop. The existing fence I would be starting from on the long side of the L wasn't actually on the property line. It went from the corner of the house, straight back. The property line was about 4ish feet beyond the fence. This is important.

So one day I'm in my back yard and I know this project is coming up and I see my grouchy neighbor. I had been meaning to talk to him about me fencing my back yard and that he would need to find another way to get his tractor down. I know I could have just said "FU" to the situation based on my previous run ins with him, but I'm always the type of person who at least tries to get along with his neighbors.

So I go over to my fence line and call for my neighbor. He comes walking over closer to me, but I have my Great Dane with me, and he doesn't like dogs much, so he says a bit away from me and the fence. The following conversation happens. Please note, its been a few years since this took place, so this is NOT word for world, just the gist of the conversation.

Me: So I wanted to let you know that I'll be building 2 more segments to my fence, enclosing the back yard. So you will need to find a different way of getting your tractor up and down off the hill.

Neighbor: Why are you doing that?

Me: I want to enclose it so that the dogs can play out here and I don't have to worry about them.

Neighbor: I'm not sure why it's my problem that you decided to have dogs. You can't put up a fence, I need to drive through your back yard.

Me: Well, it's not your back yard. And I've already gotten it cleared with my landlord. So I'm building the fence. I'm just letting you know I'm doing it, I'm not asking for your permission.

Neighbor: If you build a fence that blocks me, I'm just going to rip it out.

Me: You do that, and I'll have you arrested for trespassing and destruction of property.

Neighbor: You can't build a fence! I need to be able to go down into your back yard to get my tractor down. You have to let me keep doing that.

Me: I don't, and I'm not going to. I have now informed you of the fence coming. The fence guys will be here in a few days so you better get your tractor out now before I build it.

Neighbor: Well, I'm not moving my tractor today, and if you build your fence I'm just going to run it over.

Me: Then i will call the cops.

I then walk away, he yells some cuss words at me as I'm walking away, and keeps yelling that he has the right to use my back yard. I shake my head and go into my house. The next week the fence guys I had hired come out and dig the holes, put the uprights up, and fill the holes with cement. It takes a couple days for the cement to dry, so I figured my neighbor would get the hint and move his tractor, but he doesn't.

So a couple days later the fence guys and come stretch the chain link fence on the uprights, and do whatever else they do to finish the work, install a new gate by my cars, and everything is done.

That following weekend I'm out in my back yard, and my dogs are enjoying running around and I'm stress free, because I don't have to keep a constant eye on them. I hear a banging on the fence and turn to see my neighbor. Of course the dogs go running at him and he backs off.

Neighbor: I need to get my tractor down today, so what are we going to do.

Me: I'm not going to do anything. I warned you. You did nothing. Now you have to find another way to get it down.

Neighbor: No, you are required by law to let me go through your back yard. You are breaking the law by installing a fence.

Me: I don't think so. But you are welcome to call the cops and explain that to them. Let me know what they say ok?

Neighbor: I know what I'll do, I'll just tear down this fence here (pointing at the fence along the long side of the L). Since it's on the property line I can do that.

Me: No you can't. You and I can both see that the fence runs from the corner of the house. The property line is actually about where you are standing.

Neighbor: No its not! This is the property line! Its where the fence is!

Me: OK dood. But if you touch that fence, I will call the cops on you, just as a warning.

After that I went into the house. He never touched my fence. I saw him get his tractor down by driving over his flower beds which made me smile. A month or two later I did see a survey crew out. So I went and talked to them. Apparently the neighbor had called the county and tried to complain about the fence and trying to find out if he could take it down. So they said they would send a survey crew out to mark the property line. Well they did, and guess what, the property line was right about where I said it was. When the neighbor saw the orange painted markings that clearly showed that the fence was on my property he just stopped talking to me for a while. Eventually he moved out.

However, I did have a bit of an issue with the new neighbor. He kept complaining that the fence wasn't high enough to keep a Great Dane from jumping over it, and his wife was afraid of dogs. He asked if he could pay to raise it up. I told him that I would prefer not, as it would not match the rest of my fence. So he tried to say it was on the property line and he could do it without my permission, at which point I told him that those orange lines were the property line, and if he wanted to, he could put up a brand new fence right there and it wouldn't bother me. But he never did. The new neighbor ended up turning it into a rental so I never had to deal with it again.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Majestic-Megan-3637

Originally posted to r/AmITheJerk

AITJ for banning my sister from picking up my daughter after she left her at school and lied to me about it?

Trigger Warnings: deception, neglect

Original Post: October 6, 2026

My sister has been helping me with my daughter’s school pickups for the last few months. She picks her up twice a week because my work schedule makes those days difficult. I’ve always been grateful for the help, and until now I’ve never had a problem with it.

Last week, my daughter was supposed to be picked up at 3:30.

At around 4:15, I got a call from the school asking if there had been a change in plans because my daughter was still there.

I was confused because my sister was supposed to have picked her up.

I called my sister and asked where they were. She immediately said she had already picked my daughter up and that they were on their way home.

I called my daughter’s school again and they confirmed she was still there.

I called my sister back and asked her what was going on. After going back and forth for a few minutes, she finally admitted that she had left my daughter at the school because she “had something she needed to take care of” and thought she would be able to come back before anyone noticed.

She hadn't told me she was going somewhere else.

She hadn't told the school.

She hadn't told my daughter.

My daughter had apparently been waiting with one of her teachers wondering where her aunt was.

I was furious.

I told my sister that she wasn't allowed to pick my daughter up from school anymore. If she couldn't make the pickup, all she had to do was tell me and I could make other arrangements. Instead, she decided on her own that leaving an 8-year-old at school was fine as long as she came back before I found out.

My sister thinks I'm being completely unreasonable. She says my daughter was never actually alone, the school was still open, and she only left because something unexpected came up. She also pointed out that she's been helping me for months and that I'm acting like she deliberately abandoned my child.

My mom agrees with my sister and says I'm throwing away free childcare over one mistake. She keeps telling me that my daughter was safe the entire time and that I should be more understanding.

I don't think the issue is whether my daughter was technically safe. The issue is that my sister agreed to pick her up, left her there without telling anyone, and then lied to me when I called.

But maybe I'm being too harsh because she really was doing me a favor by helping with pickups in the first place.

AITJ?

TL;DR: My sister was supposed to pick up my 8-year-old daughter from school, but left her there to deal with something else without telling anyone. When I called, she initially lied and said she had already picked my daughter up. I banned her from doing school pickups anymore, and now my sister and mom think I'm overreacting.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Who knows what else she has lied about regarding your child. The biggest issue for me would be the lying

OOP: Yes exactly, that’s my issue the fact she was so comfortable lying about it to me

Commenter 2: I would look into after school care at the school , YMCA or boys and girls club . Don't rely on family.

OOP: There are some fun after school activities like karate, homework club and an arts and crafts class. Might have to see which one interests kiddo the most and sign them up for one

Commenter 3: And what about the teacher who couldn't go home to their own family. With no idea if or when the child would be picked up?

OOP: Well the teacher would be there regardless because her work isn’t over.

Commenter 3: My daughter is a teacher. When the kids leave, she leaves too.

OOP: Okay? Not every school is the same though. Teachers at our school stay after dismissal to grade papers, plan lessons and complete any other administrative tasks. The school also runs after school activities like a homework club, etc. I understand where you’re coming from, but the teacher staying isn’t an issue because they’d be there regardless.

Commenter 4: A lot of aspects of this are forgivable, but for me, I couldn’t trust someone to be alone with my kid if they were willing to lie about if they were with my kid or not. That’s a pretty clear red line.

OOP: That’s my biggest issue with the situation, that she was so comfortable lying to me.

Commenter 5: NTJ. But I would be wondering what was it your sister had to do that she prioritized it over picking up your daughter, because that's what would have me hot!

I can only imagine how she felt waiting for her auntie.

OOP: We tried asking her with mom, but she wouldn’t tell us, said it was none of our business to worry about that.

Commenter 5: NTJ. One phone call to you was all your sister needed to make. Instead, she lied and probably would've asked your daughter to lie "to keep Auntie out of trouble." Your sister is too irresponsible to be in charge of a child.

OOP: Yep, we would’ve came up with some kind of an alternative or at the very least informed the teachers and the daughter, so they don’t worry.

Update #1: October 9, 2026 (three days later)

UPDATE: AITJ for banning my sister from picking up my daughter after she left her at school and lied to me about it?

I didn't expect this to turn into such a big family argument, but things have gotten worse since I posted.

My sister is still insisting that I'm overreacting and ignoring everything she's done for me over the past few months. She keeps bringing up how she's rearranged her schedule, left work early, and spent her own time helping me with pickups.

Yesterday, she sent me a long message listing all the times she's helped me and ended it by saying that if I'm going to treat her like she can't be trusted after one mistake, I should at least reimburse her for all the time and effort she's put in.

For context, she's never asked me for money before. We never agreed that I would pay her, and she's always presented the pickups as something she was happy to help with. I've thanked her, bought her meals, and helped her out when she's needed it, but we've never treated this as a paid arrangement.

I told her I appreciated everything she'd done, but I wasn't going to retroactively pay her for favors she'd volunteered to do. If she'd wanted compensation, she could have discussed that with me beforehand.

She called me ungrateful and said I was happy to accept her help when it suited me but threw her away the moment she made a mistake.

My mom agrees with her. She says my sister has a point because she's helped me for months, and I shouldn't act like none of that matters over one incident.

I tried explaining again that I wouldn't have banned her from pickups just because something came up. If she'd called me and told me she couldn't make it, I would have figured something out. It was leaving my daughter at school without telling anyone and then lying to me about it that changed things.

I've arranged other pickups for now, although it's going to make my work schedule more difficult. I haven't banned my sister from seeing my daughter. I've only said she won't be responsible for picking her up from school anymore.

My sister says I'm making a permanent decision over something that lasted less than an hour. I feel like she's focusing entirely on how long my daughter waited instead of acknowledging why the situation happened in the first place.

I don't want to fall out with my sister, but I also don't want to restore the arrangement just because she's angry about the consequences.

Am I being unreasonable here?

TL;DR: My sister, who left my daughter at school and lied about it, now says I owe her for all the free childcare she's provided over the past few months. My mom thinks I'm ungrateful, but I don't think helping me voluntarily means she gets a pass for what happened.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: "A child's safety and security are things that sadly can involve mistakes. They, however, are not a thing that adults can lie about and endanger because of those lies. I will not let my daughter's safety ever be compromised due to not being able to trust someone telling me the truth. If you disagree you can remove yourself from our lives."

OOP: Thank you for this. My daughter is definitely my priority, and it saddens me to see my family including my mother is against me instead of backing me up

Commenter 2: I say this with the utmost respect because I have family who is also not family, but it doesn’t sound like your mom is truly family. She may be biological family but if her own daughters feelings trump her granddaughters safety and security then she has no place in your life. She isn’t really family at all.

OOP: “Family who is not family” is a very good way to describe this. And to be honest I am very surprised to see my mom take this stance, I am not capable of wrapping my head around how she’s somehow justifying what my sister did

Commenter 3: Still not the jerk. Your sister seems incapable of understanding the bond of trust she ruptured. Nor does she seem to care how traumatic it could have been to your daughter. Stand by your guns. You've made the right choice.

OOP: Yes I don’t think she understands because she’s not a mother.

Commenter 4: NTJ Did your sister even apologize for lying??? Because that's the part I'm stuck on.

OOP: Not yet, she instead asked me to pay her back for all the previous time she helped me so there’s that

Commenter 5: NTJ. I keep thinking about how your daughter must have felt when nobody showed up to pick her up. How she must have felt just waiting, and waiting and waiting, and not knowing what was going on. I would not being willing to trust your daughter's sense of security by trusting the person who did that to her and just brushes it off.

OOP: I’m grateful that she was being her up from school and not some other place, at the very least she was at school with teachers who she knew and trusted

Update #2: October 11, 2026 (two days later)

UPDATE 2: AITJ for banning my sister from picking up my daughter after she left her at school and lied to me about it?

A few people asked what happened with my sister demanding money, so here's where things stand.

After a few days of arguing, I told my sister that if she genuinely felt I owed her something for the pickups, she should tell me exactly what amount she expected and why she'd never mentioned payment before. I wasn't going to argue in circles about how ungrateful I supposedly was.

She never gave me an amount. Instead, she said I was deliberately missing the point and that family shouldn't keep score like this.

I pointed out that she was the one who brought up all the favors she'd done for me and used them as a reason I shouldn't have consequences for what happened.

That didn't go over well.

The biggest change came when my mom finally asked my sister why she hadn't just called me that afternoon. My sister said she knew I'd be upset about the missed pickup and didn't want to deal with an argument while she was trying to sort out her other plans.

So she thought it would be easier to handle everything herself and explain afterward.

I told her that was exactly the problem. She wasn't trying to avoid an argument anymore once she lied to me. She was making sure I couldn't do anything about the situation because she wanted me to believe my daughter was already on her way home.

She eventually admitted she shouldn't have lied, but she still thinks banning her from pickups was excessive because my daughter was supervised the entire time.

I don't think we're going to agree on that.

For now, I'm keeping the new pickup arrangements. It's more inconvenient and costs me more, but at least I know who's responsible for collecting my daughter and what happens if plans change.

My sister and I are still speaking, although things are awkward. She's been distant, and my mom thinks I'm letting one incident damage a relationship that took years to build.

I don't want to punish my sister forever, and I'm not saying she can never be trusted with anything again. But I don't think I'm obligated to put her back in charge of school pickups just to prove that I forgive her.

Maybe we'll eventually get past this. For now, I'm leaving things as they are.

TL;DR: My sister admitted she lied because she didn't want to deal with my reaction to missing the pickup, but she still thinks I overreacted by banning her from future pickups. I'm keeping the new arrangements, even though they're more expensive, and my relationship with my sister is still strained.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Has she admitted yet what was so important to her that she left an 8 year at school?

OOP: No and at this point I don’t think she ever will. If she does I’ll make a brief update just to let everyone know because I had so many people ask me about this

Commenter 2: The point is still, she lied about picking up your child. That is not easily forgiven. Now, you are going to wonder what else she has or will lie about concerning your child. I'm glad that you are keeping the alternate arrangements.

OOP: Yeah 100%, if she wants to pick her up from school again in the future she’ll have to build that trust back up slowly

Commenter 3: You are not punishing your sister. You are protecting your daughter from being stranded again. The fact that your sister sees this as punishment is yet another reason to not trust her with your daughter

OOP: Yes exactly, also what some people don’t seem to realise is that if a child isn’t picked up from school they will call the police which makes the entire situation even worse

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

we have been infiltrated by a proxy interviewer crime ring

Originally posted to Ask A Manager

Original Post  June 30, 2026

I am a mid-level manager at a fully remote call center type job. There are multiple teams who book appointments for clients. We have four managers who oversee about 20 people each. We don’t really handle super sensitive data, just what location the appointment will be at, as well as the client’s name, phone number, and email. No credit cards, no Social Security numbers (this will be important later).

We have an HR person who reviews resumes, does a Zoom meeting screen, and then sends candidates who pass that to the other managers for an official interview. Pretty standard stuff. Interviews are assigned based on who is available, so the people involved in the interview may not be who the candidate ends up assigned to if they’re hired.

We are hiring pretty aggressively right now (due to an amazing boom in business) so we’ve had groups between 5-10 training at the same time with a person whose role is a dedicated trainer.

During the last round of interviews, there was one candidate who interviewed very well, but had held higher level roles than this very entry-level position. I decided to ask the trainer what they thought, as they are highly skilled at deducing if someone will work out or not. I played the recording of some of the interview, and the trainer said they liked the applicant so we moved forward. This is not standard procedure, as they don’t typically get to see the applicants until they start.

After the first day of training, the trainer asked to see the interview recording again because the person seemed different. I pulled it up and they immediately said, “That’s not Bob!” Bob has a surname and accent of someone from the country of, let’s say, Fakeistan. In the last year, we have recently hired several others who were originally from Fakeistan. While we certainly don’t ask in the interview, typically at some point after the start work, they will mention it their own that they are from Fakeistan and live State X. (X is a large U.S. state, and they’ve each mentioned different major cities within that state.) I thought it was interesting and just figured there was maybe a Facebook group or somewhere where people who immigrated from there had promoted us as place as a friendly place to work for people from Fakeistan.

Then we started pulling up other recordings from prior interviews of our Fakeistan employees. Each one elicited from the trainer, “That’s not Sue!” “That’s not Jack!” and so forth. Not one matched the face of the person who (very competently!) interviewed. I will say, they were close enough — similar facial hair, builds, etc. But in some cases, the person interviewing was much older or had a different facial shape, and all of the interviewees had significantly lighter accents than those that showed up to training.

Several things clicked into place, mostly the poor performance of the people from Fakeistan when they got out of training, despite interviewing so well, though several have improved significantly. We were clearly duped. We cannot figure out why — again, they don’t have access to anything that you probably couldn’t get from a public records search. They show up on time and are reliable employees. When we pulled the HR person in about this, we got to watch their soul leave their body in real time. We have no idea if their paperwork is legit or why in the ever-loving hell this has happened or what the endgame is.

This is still an evolving situation while the “big dogs” at the top figure out exactly how to handle this without seeming racist/xenophobic and we are now reviewing every interview video against images we are collecting (we’re a camera-on company), even if they aren’t from Fakeistan to ensure that we are being fair, but so far only the Fakeistan employees have turned out not to be who they say they were.

From the time of the interview to the time of their first meetings with their manager, it can be sometimes eight weeks and again, they look really similar! It’s hard to remember exactly how someone looks if you met with them for an hour and then don’t see them again for two months. We all feel really stupid.

How do we mitigate this in the future? Obviously, we will start having the trainer compare the training Zoom meetings to the interviews, but that still takes a spot away from another applicant if we get them through the hiring process! My company is very much big on staying on the right side of the EEOC, so we can’t just not interview people who have Fakeistan surnames and live in the same state as the others. What can we do to vet people to make sure the person who interviews is actually the person who shows up on day one?

This is so wild, I feel like it will get called fake in the comments and all I can say is I wish it was because now I have to fire a great employee because they committed fraud.

Update  Oct 6, 2026 (Over 3 months later)

Thank you so much for publishing my letter. A special thanks to everyone who said it wasn’t a fake letter (perhaps I spend too much time on Reddit where everything is labeled fake.) Part of the reason I said that was that before writing in, I ran this situation by a friend who is head of cybersecurity at a casino and he was just as floored as I was by the whole thing. I guess we all know better now.

I am so sorry I wasn’t able to engage in the comments. It was posted at the end of the quarter which is always crazy and I don’t think I even saw it until several days later. I am not going to name the actual country, but I will say with absolute certainty it was NOT North Korea or anywhere in Asia that the Fakeistan employees were from.

Things got a little crazy before they got better. The Fakeistan employees worked for the rest of the week while HR, Legal, and IT all go involved. As I mentioned, we had to pull every employee we had hired over the last year over video and send screenshots for comparison. Ironically one employee who had a Fakesitan surname and very slight accent was determined to be legitimate but had to have multiple audits to be sure. I’m not sure they even know how closely they were being watched. We were told to use any pretense to pull them into meetings and screenshot their faces for comparisons to their interview recordings. For the employees I knew would pass, it was easy. For my two Fakeistan employees, I literally threw up from anxiety because I felt so bad. I know it had to happen, I know they were in the wrong, but it just hurt. Especially with them thanking me profusely after the meeting for all of my help and saying how much they loved working at our company.

I will never absolutely know exactly what happened since I’m way too far down in the org chart to be privy to what we did find, but I do believe that commenter Specks got it right: I don’t think they were trying to steal information, just trying to get jobs and what many commenters mentioned, probably giving a cut of their paycheck to whomever facilitated that for them as they all worked a lot of overtime any time we offered it, so possibly a set limit of debt they were trying to get out of. I was told that their documents, upon closer review, didn’t match. I asked if IT could verify if they were using VPNs and weren’t even actually in the states, but no one knows except for IT. I do think they were in the U.S. (why would everyone pick the same state if not?). I just think they were people who, if we interviewed them as themselves, we probably would not have hired. Thankfully my own boss stepped in with HR to drop the ax on them and the managers didn’t need to be involved. They were read a three-sentence message crafted by the legal department who was very clear on not deviating from it in any way. We did acknowledge the reason for the departure (fraudulent identities) and they all pretty much were like “okay, yeah” once they realized we knew. The ones we couldn’t get ahold of right away were locked out of their computers by IT instantly in case they did know each other, even though they had never given any prior indication of such.

As for what we are doing moving forward, I did forward the links that Madame Desmortes posted (fascinating and validating read!) over to my boss. We now have several new procedures in place. A good one is that the training manager now has access to all interview recordings and reviews them before the training class starts.

One I’m a bit torn on is we have instituted an AI filter in our hiring platform that auto rejects any candidate without a digital footprint (i.e., no LinkedIn, no Facebook, no Instagram, etc.) I … don’t love it and think that we are probably rejecting candidates who may not use the same name on their resume as they do on social media and unfairly targets people who have a name change due to divorce/marriage, people who are in the midst of transitioning and people who just don’t have social media accounts under their “government” names that they may put on a resume. Since this whole situation went all the way up to the CEO, I don’t think I have enough capital to push back on it, so I have to let it go.   There were a couple Fakeistan surnames who were in resume review when this happened, but never made it to the screening. After that I have not seen any more come through, so whoever was running the whole operation must have realized we figured it out and gave up.

I still see their names on reports that I pull up and I remember how happy they were to work here, how well they processed and implemented feedback, and how quickly they became valuable assets despite their rough starts. It makes me sad every time. I hope they’re doing as well as they can. I hope they’re safe. There’s really no happy ending, just a valuable lesson and a humbling reminder of what a privilege it is to go through life on easy mode because of where I was born.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/FreakyyyGirll

Originally posted to r/AITH

AITAH for kicking my bf out after what he told me?

Editor’s note: made small edits for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: sexual assault, harassment

Original Post: October 6, 2026

So I (21F) have been with my bf (23M) for almost a year, and things were honestly amazing until this weekend, which is why I'm still shaking while typing this. My parents were away at my aunt's wedding in another city, so it was just me and my little sister (16F) home, and she stayed in her room all night like she usually does. My bf asked if his cousin (27M), who was visiting from out of town, could come hang out for a few hours. I'd only met him twice and he seemed fine, a little loud but fine, so I said sure. He showed up with a bottle of vodka and a bunch of wings, we put on a movie, and by like 10pm we were all pretty tipsy. Then he said he needed the bathroom and I pointed him down the hall.

Twenty minutes later neither of us had even noticed he was gone (I was literally laughing at a TikTok) until we heard my sister screaming upstairs. I ran up and found her in the corner of her room crying so hard she could barely breathe, with him standing right in front of her door. Apparently he walked into her room instead of the bathroom, she told him to get out like three times, and he just kept trying to talk to her and then closed the door behind him. When she tried to get past, he grabbed her arm. The only reason she got away is that she heard us on the stairs and yanked the door open. She told me later she was scared he wasn't going to let her leave. Her phone was on the bed with two texts to me, "pls come upstairs" and "PLEASE COME UP RIGHT NOW", and I never saw them because mine was face down on silent on the couch. That part is destroying me. I completely lost it. I screamed at him to get out, threw his jacket and what was left of his vodka onto the porch, and told him I was calling the police. He started stuttering about how it was "a misunderstanding" and he "got lost", which, no, he definitely wasn't lost, the bathroom is literally on the ground floor.

Then my bf got between us and told me to calm down and stop accusing his family based on what a teenager said. In front of my sister, who was still shaking, he said "what if she's just exaggerating? She does that for attention sometimes." I literally watched her face fall. That's when I screamed at HIM to get out too, and they left in an Uber. The next morning his mom texted me saying I "humiliated her son" and that family doesn't throw accusations around over a "little misunderstanding", and now apparently his cousin is telling everyone I attacked him. My bf texted that I scared him by screaming, that there's no real "proof", that his cousin "didn't actually do anything" and he'll "handle it himself", so I should just drop it. Not one word to my sister. Not even a sorry. She's been sleeping in my room since and flinches every time a door closes, and my parents get home tomorrow, and I don't even know how to tell them. I love him, I really do, and part of me is wondering if I ruined everything because I couldn't stay calm for five minutes, idk. It all feels so weird now. So AITAH? And should I try to fix things with him, or is this a sign?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA! Tell your parents and Go to the Police

OOP: Thank you, I think you're right! I'm telling my parents everything tomorrow when they get home, and I screenshotted the texts my sister sent me that night so there's proof. I'm letting her decide how much she wants to say, but I'm not letting this get swept under the rug

Commenter 2: Call the police and get it on paper. Sorry. But reactions like that don’t come from nothing happening. This is from a former dispatcher

OOP: Thank you for saying that ❤️, especially coming from a former dispatcher, I'm telling my parents first thing tomorrow, and then we'll file a report once my sister feels ready. I've saved the screenshots and her texts, so everything is documented

Commenter 3: He was up to no good with your little sister, and your BF stood up for him. He did it by diminishing your sister's truth, basically calling her a liar. This is exactly how SA happens. Chuck them both. Hope your sister is calmer now, but she'll never forget this. YNTAH, but both guys are. You're an ACE sister.

OOP: She's calmer today but still really quiet, and you're right that what hurt her most was my bf calling her a liar, so I honestly don't think I can just move past that. I just want her to feel safe and believed, and I'm going to keep showing up for her

Commenter 4: You ruined nothing. Your bf and his cousin did.

OOP: Thank you, I keep blaming myself for not seeing my sister's texts and for screaming the way I did, but I'm trying to remind myself that I didn't cause any of this.

Update: October 12, 2026 (six days later)

UPDATE: AITAH for kicking my boyfriend out after what his cousin did to my little sister?

It's been almost a week since I posted my first post, and things have been changing really fast.

When my parents came home, I told them everything. I was terrified they'd blame me for inviting my boyfriend's cousin over in the first place, but they didn't. My mom immediately sat down with my sister and let her explain what happened in her own words. My sister was still shaken, especially when she talked about how she'd repeatedly asked him to leave and how scared she was when he grabbed her arm. Hearing her explain it all again made me feel sick. I keep thinking about those two messages she sent me that night and how I never saw them.

My dad was furious when he learned what happened, especially when I told him my boyfriend had accused my sister of exaggerating for attention. My parents agreed that we shouldn't just pretend nothing happened, so we contacted the police and explained the situation. We also saved the messages my sister sent me that night. I don't know what will come of the report, but my parents felt it was important to take this seriously. My boyfriend found out and called me, accusing me of potentially ruining his cousin's life over a misunderstanding. He kept insisting his cousin had been drinking and might have walked into the wrong room by accident.

I asked him how that explained grabbing my sister after she'd repeatedly told him to leave. He just said I hadn't witnessed the entire interaction and couldn't know what really happened. Then I asked him, "Have you even asked my sister if she's okay?"

He went quiet before saying he wasn't going to apologize for defending his own family against accusations. That was the moment something clicked for me. He was still more concerned about protecting his cousin than acknowledging how frightened my sister had been. His mother has continued messaging me, saying we should have handled everything privately instead of involving the police. Some of our mutual friends also think I should have waited for the investigation before making a final decision about my relationship.

I ended things anyway. It hurt more than I expected because, before all this happened, I genuinely thought he was someone I could build a future with. But I can't imagine staying with someone who watched my little sister cry and immediately suggested she was lying. My sister is doing a little better, although she's still anxious about being alone upstairs. She's been spending more time with me and our parents, and we're trying to give her space without making her feel like she has to deal with everything alone.

I still have moments where I wonder whether I reacted too harshly, especially when I think about how much I loved my boyfriend before that night. But then I remember him standing there while my sister was terrified, questioning her instead of checking on her, and I don't know how I'd ever trust him again.

I have no idea what will happen with the police report, and I'm leaving that process to them. What I do know is that I won't pressure my sister into silence just to keep my ex-boyfriend and his family happy. So, AITAH for ending my relationship and involving the police instead of giving my boyfriend and his family a chance to handle the situation privately?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA NTA NTA!!! Your EX, AND his family, on the other hand, complete and utter enabling assholes...

OOP: The way they've all focused on protecting him and his cousin instead of asking whether my sister is okay has been heartbreaking. I never expected them to react like this, but their response has made me feel even more certain that ending the relationship was the right decision. Thanksss

Commenter 2: NTA. Handling the situation privately is code for sweeping it under the rug and pretending it never happened, or, as you've already seen, victim blaming. That is all they intend to do. Imagine having a daughter with this man and raising her around the cousin.

You absolutely did the right thing. Support and protect your sister.

OOP: That thought honestly scares me. Just last night, a door slammed upstairs and my sister came rushing into my room, then apologized for being dramatic. I wanted to cry because she's never been like this before. Seeing how scared she still is has made me realize I can't just brush this off as an uncomfortable misunderstanding. I can't imagine staying with someone who dismissed her fear just to protect his cousin. My sister comes first, and I'm done feeling guilty for standing up for her.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is [deleted]

AITA for asking my boyfriend to help me repay for some of my makeup he accidentally broke?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Original Post  Nov 20, 2020

Okay so, I already probably sound like an AH, and I feel as though I am too, because it was an accident, I just think I need somebody to bring it home for me.

Whenever my boyfriend trims his beard, he likes to clear off a section on the sink, on that section, usually sits my makeup bag, toothbrush pot, and some skincare bits. He usually puts all this stuff on the literal edge of the other side of the sink. I always tell him to please not to do that with my makeup bag at least, because it's full of expensive Clinique make-up products that cost at least £200. I'm 19, I can't afford to replace all that easily, I worked my butt off to save enough to get myself those makeup products as is.

Anyway, you probably know what's coming, once again, he was trimming his beard, and after the million times I told him not to put my makeup on the edge of the counter, he did it again, and surprise surprise, it fell and the majority smashed, the powders, highlighter, and eyeshadows all broke into little pieces, the foundation bottle broke in half, the only salvageable things in there was a mascara, an eyeliner and two lipsticks.

I was devastated, he told me I shouldn't be so emotionally invested in these monetary objects and said if I didn't want it to fall I should have moved it somewhere else in the first place.

I asked him if he could help me replace at least the foundation and eyeshadows, but he said it wasn't his fault because it was an accident.

AITA for asking in the first place?

Edit: just to clarify where my makeup bag sat, it was in a very safe position on my side of the counter, I told him when he trims his beard he can move the makeup anywhere else on the sink, just not the edge, our sink is one of those double counter ones and there's plenty of space to put things on.

Edit 2: to add on from the first edit as I was asked to add this bit- we have one sink which has counter space on both ends. One side is his and he doesn't like moving everything and getting beard hairs on his stuff so he uses my side when shaving, which is much more minimalist, so he only has to move the makeup bag which always goes on the edge for whatever godforsaken reason.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

kkpls

NTA. Idk how your relationship works, but in mine, if I were to break something, intentional or not, it’s would still be my fault.

Not only did your boyfriend knock your expensive products over, he was the one who put them there in the first place against your wishes. Imma say he’s a the AH. A big one.

Rat_Kin

He's also an asshole for using her side at all:

"One side is his and he doesn't like moving everything and getting beard hairs on his stuff so he uses my side when shaving"

What kind of prick makes a mess all over someone else's toiletries because he doesn't want his own beard hair on his stuff?

~

enonymousCanadian

How old is he? At 19 you are really young to be living together - moving from your mums house to living with your girlfriend can lead to people who don’t know how to live with their equals (in terms of household responsibilities).

OOP

He is 26.

~

NanaLeonie

NTA. tbh, I can’t imagine how all that makeup got broken, especially if it was in a bag, from a single fall, unless he stomped on it a few times. Y’all have been having a territorial dispute over the sink staging area and this destruction is part of it. (Sorry if I sound all conspiracy theory here, but I drop my makeup fairly often without 1/20th the damage.)

OOP

It was the actual powdered products that broke, like the setting powders, blushes, eyeshadows etc... The outside was relatively okay but the actual product is what just burst. At this rate I might have to just try and press it back into its container as a way to salvage some product.

I reckon it's also the hard, ceramic floor that might have really messed with it, because I've dropped that bag myself before on carpeted floor and the worst that happened was a few compacts clicked open.

cara180455

I’ve dropped palettes on my tiled bathroom floor more times then I can count and they didn’t break so it’s weird that so many did.

OOP

People have been saying this, my god, I really hope he didn't do anything to purposefully mess with it, I was at work when this happened so I can't for sure say what actually took place.

BoundaryStompingMIL

Honestly, it comes across to me like he has issues with your makeup in general. It feels like he wanted a way to get rid of it.

OOP

I wouldn't be surprised, he says he prefers me without makeup, mind you, he always says things like that when I'm wearing natural makeup!

Either way, I'm still going to save up and try to buy a few bits back, hopefully the current Clinique offers are still available in the next month haha.

OOP Made a final update Nov 22, 2020 (2 Days Later/Same Post)

Final edit: well, I brought it up again after all your comments, he's not budging on helping with the cost. And the biggest thing of all, a lot of you were right, it wasn't an accident, it was deliberate, so I'll leave it at that. Thanks to you all, I've come to realize that this may not be the healthiest relationship for me to be in, I've spoken to my mum so she knows what's going on and I'll probably be gathering my things to move out soon. I definitely wasn't expecting for things to take such a turn today, but I am thankful for all your comments and the people who private messaged me with helpful resources. So thank you all for taking the time of day to write and reply to me :) -Yui

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is  u/asking4advyce

Originally posted to r/Advice

Status: Ongoing

Trigger Warning: Parental abandonment, parental death

Mood Spoiler: Frustrating

Editor's note: Post recovered from archives.

Original - September 29th 2026

My husband and I have been married for 3 years and known each other for 5. To provide context, his ex wife passed away when his daughter was 3, who recently turned 14. I have a 15 year old son whose dad went back to his native country when our son was 9, and chose to stay there. We divorced and I have full custody of our son.

My step daughter and I have become very close over the past few years, and any lines of step mother vs mother started getting blurred. My husband and I discussed me adopting her as my daughter. We got some of the paperwork started but we did wait for her 14th. One, because we thought it would be a nice birthday present, and two, because I felt that her having to give her consent (which in our state happens if the child is 14+) would make it more meaningful. On the night after we celebrated her birthday, I asked her, and she cried and hugged me and said she'd love for that to happen. My son went up to his room. I later went to his room, and he was angry at me about it. I expected him to be happy at best or ambivalent at worst about it, not against it. He said some nasty things and said him having a mother was the one thing he had over her. I was shocked and said this was not like him (it really isn't) and he told me not to go ahead with this. I told him he was being unkind to his sister, that this would not affect him or our relationship at all, but he told me to leave. He's been cold to all of us since, when I did try to get through to him, he asked if I'm still going ahead with it. What should I do?

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

From his eyes, the 3 of you (yourself, husband and daughter) are a full fledged family while he is left out (the husband didn't adopt him). It's only normal for a child to feel jealous and left out

Comment 2:

I guess it’s just me, but why didn’t you talk with your son first? This is a bigger change than two families blending. Talking with him could also bring out any issues he and your step daughter might have.

OP (downvoted):

I wanted it to be a surprise for her 14th. And like I said I thought he'd be at best happy about or at worst not really care. I messed up there.

Comment 3:

By saying this is the “one thing” he had over her, it makes me think your son believes you are routinely giving your daughter more time, attention, and emotional energy than you give him. So are you?

OP (downvoted):

I've always tried to make sure my marriage and our blended family doesn't take away from my relationship with my son. Nothing has changed in our relationship. He's a 15 year old boy now, so there's some changes naturally, he comes to me less often with problems unlike when he was say 12, but he knows, I've always made it clear, that I'm always going to be a steady port to call for him.

Comment 4:

Your husband should be adopting him as well, I am sure he prolly feels really left out.

OP (downvoted):

My son's father is alive, so it's not really the same situation. Also, my husband and him have a good relationship but I guess its like a step relationship, there's care and love on both sides but kind of within those boundaries. Like I said, with my stepdaughter, that's how I set it out to be too, to never take her mother's place, but between us those boundaries got blurred and we got really close.

Comment 5:

You need to make it clear to your son how you love him. Your husband does, too.

OP (downvoted):

I've told him that me adopting her doesn't take away from my love for him even a bit. He will always be my son whom I love to bits. But I'm just having trouble getting through to him about this.

Comment 6:

Congratulations on gaining a daughter and losing a son. That poor kid feels he has no one. Why wouldn’t you have discussed this with him first? Very insensitive.

Update - October 12th 2026

I received some harsh but useful advice and messages on my last post and I'm grateful for it. I didn't mention the adoption again in the house after that. A few days ago I spoke to my son again privately. I apologized for having surprised him with the decision the way I did. It was presumptuous of me to assume his feelings on it and I messed up. Once he saw I was genuinely remorseful, he opened up to me after that a bit. He said she had a mother, and that it was unfair of her to just get a new mother. I told him I wasn't trying to replace her mother and never could. I know a lot of people asked why my husband doesn't just adopt him too to balance it out, but it's just not that simple, his dad is alive. Nevertheless I did bring up if that's what he felt was unfair and whether he felt like my husband should become more like a father to him. He said no, he didn't want that. I then tried to reassure him that if I did adopt her, it would not change what we had, him and I are a team, always have been and always will be. He said the way his dad left, her mother died, he's not begging for his dad to come back or to get a new one, so why is she getting a mother. Just to clarify, she has not broached the subject of or pressured me about adoption ever. I told him the surprise was my mistake and she wasn't aware of it either. I told him the whole adoption thing aside, and we wouldn't do it unless he was on board, but if there was anything I could help with, and also promised to make a more concerted effort for more 1-1 time between us. He didn't seem to even have that as a concern, he said that first her dad got me as a wife and now was giving his daughter a mother she wasn't related to. I just reassured him that his comfort with it was my priority and we're not going ahead with it.

Yesterday, I spoke with her when we were alone too. I told her I loved her like a daughter but there had been issues with the paperwork and it would just take longer than we had anticipated. I took responsibility of it and said I should've made sure it was all done before surprising her. She seemed disappointed but very understanding, and said that was ok, she thought of me as her mother anyway regardless of paperwork. Unfortunately she did ask whether my son was unhappy with it, she probably connected the dots due to his reaction at the time, I reassured her it was paperwork stuff that was our fault and she seemed ok with that. She's continued to call me mom (she started after we told her on her birthday) and seems to understand that we don't need legal paperwork for our relationship.

I know I messed up the first time, and I dug us into a hole, but I'm going to be more mindful hereon. I'm going to make more 1-1 time with my son too, I already do but he's 15 and doesn't have a ton of time for me lately but I'm still going to make more. Fortunately my husband has let me deal with it the way I see fit for which I'm grateful. Thank you for the advice.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Lying to your stepdaughter about the paperwork is not a good move either. The truth will eventually come out and it will be hard for her to trust you to tell her the truth. It also sends the message that if there’s a hard truth then don’t tell your family because they can’t handle it.

OP (downvoted):

I didn't want her to resent him. I hope with the increased effort I put into our relationship, he'll tell me he's happy and at peace with us going forward with it at some point. I do understand that it could come out, in fact it is possible she already suspects, and hope she'll understand that I lied to not have her resent him.

Comment 2:

You were a total AH to your son. I can’t believe you would surprise him like that. Also, you have been cruel to your son. His dad abandoned him a few years ago but it sounds like during that time you’ve didn’t it bonding with your step daughter. Your focus should have been on your son. He should have been in therapy. Please consider therapy for the both of you.

Comment 3:

And you keep making mistakes ?!

Why you lied to your step daughter ?! What if your son never comes around about the adoption?!?!?!

Lady you are so wrapped in your new husband and his daughter that you have sidelined your own blood ?!?! Parners come and go , you have had 2 husbands so far and god knows how many boyfriends of friends with benefits or whatever, your son is the one that will always be there

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Due-Kale3735

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: #1

[Old New Update/Tangential]: AITA for telling my ex that she needs to "figure it out" when it comes to hosting people for her grandmothers' funeral even though I am living in her "grandmothers' house?"

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Editor's note: removed older relevant comments for space in this latest BoRU

Thanks to u/Bonanza86 for letting me know about the latest update!

Trigger Warnings: ugly divorce, entitlement, manipulation

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RECAP

Editor's note: I am including OOP’s first post made prior to the original post for more context in order to understand the current situation

AITA for refusing to pay for daycare for my son with my ex?: September 12, 2025

AITA for refusing to pay for daycare for my son with my ex?

This is a throwaway account.

I have a 2, almost 3-year-old son with my ex. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Almost a year ago, I filed for divorce from my ex. We have split custody (50/50). As child support, I pay $900/month plus 100% of all healthcare and education-related costs for our son.

My ex was at home with our son until he was about 10 months old. At that time, she wanted to go to grad school, so we had planned to put our son in daycare. My mom (whom my siblings and I had been supporting) asked if she could watch our son rather than putting him in daycare. My ex was giddy at the idea, but I was a little hesitant because I wanted my mom to enjoy her retirement. But my mom and my ex very much wanted to do it, so I relented. Plus, my son absolutely loves every moment he gets to spend with his "Mimi." My mom has continued to be the primary caretaker of our son when my ex and I are working.

My ex (whom I mostly co-parent with well) wants our son to go to daycare. But my ex cannot afford daycare at all, so she wants me to pay for it. I refuse. Our son still absolutely loves going to his Mimi's house. My siblings have kids that our mom looks after, and so my son gets a lot of time with his cousins. My mom still loves doing it. Plus, she was an educator and is bilingual and is doing an amazing job in that department as well. I check-in with her to make sure she still wants to do it because I do not want her to be overwhelmed. Plus, the daycare here would cost about $250-$300/week. So, I refuse. My ex says this setup makes "my family" have undue influence over our son's development. If that was a concern, she has never expressed that until now. Plus, why would our son being under the influence of strangers at daycare be better? This has been a point of contention for about the last month.

AITA?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed reactions of NTAs, YTAs, and NAHs, mostly leaning towards NTA

Editor's note: below is the original title post of this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: death of a loved one

Original Post: December 30, 2025 (3.5 months later)

My ex and I got divorced earlier this year. When we were married, we bought her grandmothers' house. This house was built in the 1910s and had been in my ex's family since then. It is quite large. It was de-facto the house where my ex's family would stay when they came into town for anything (this continued into our purchase of the house and was a part of my decision to divorce her).

When we bought it, we primarily used my pre-martial savings and inheritance. That was five-ish years ago. When we got divorced, the court determined that the bulk of the house (90%) belonged to me in accordance with our postnup agreement. My ex tried a number of scenarios where she would keep the house (or it would go into a trust for our kid) so it would stay "in the family." The only thing I would agree to is selling the house, her buying me out, or me buying her out. We went with the latter because my ex did not have the money to buy me out.

The day after Christmas, my ex's grandmother died. She had been sick for years and the reason we bought the house is because she could no longer live on her own and desperately needed money for end of life care. Anyway, yesterday afternoon, my ex's cousin shows up at the house with his family. He drove into town for the funeral on Thursday. Apparently, he and his sister texted my ex and said that they would be staying at "the house" (insider family term for my house) and she indicated she was ok with that.

I called my ex and asked her why she volunteered my house for hosting people. She apologized and said she had been running around getting things done for the funeral. But, she asked if I would be willing to host because they really do not have space for people without using the house. I told her "no" and that they need to get hotels or whatever else arrangements. She said they do not have money to get everyone hotels and people are struggling financially. That there is plenty of extra room in the house. They could just be in the finished basement with their own bathroom, kitchen, entry, and exit. I told her "no." She got quite upset and hung up on me. I told the cousin and his family that they cannot stay.

AITA?

Edit: (1) People seem to be assuming the house was discounted to us when we bought it. It was not. It had been on the market for a year, and the price had been decreased multiple times with no offers for the listed price at any point. We bought it for the initial price it was listed for (which was the appraisal price).

(2) My personal preference was that my ex buy me out of the house. She did not have the money to do so. My next preference was to sell the house. My ex begged me to keep the house. So, I agreed to do so.

(3) The trust idea she had would mean putting the house in a trust with a life estate to me and the remainder to my son. This would effectively prohibit me from selling the house. I have no intentions of selling now, but I refuse to put myself in a position where I cannot sell in the future if I decide I need to do so. But, I do have a trust for my son now (3 years old) where he will inherit my assets at the time I die.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed reactions of all kinds, but mostly leaning toward NTAs

Editor's note: OOP had given lots of answers, I am listing the common questions asked and his responses

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I am baffled as to why on earth your ex signed a post nup that would endanger the family home.

OOP: It is the only way I would agree to purchase the house. Otherwise, her parents were selling it to the highest bidder because her grandmother needed the money.

Downvoted Commenter: 1) why did you insist on paying the non-reduced price for the house? 2) you couldn’t have worked out a payment plan with a contract so your wife could eventually buy you out?

Those two things tell me this is either fake or you’re insufferable.

Yes, legally it is your house. That doesn’t mean the way you’ve been acting isn’t asshole territory. Reddit loves to conflate those two things.

OOP: 1) The family needed the money to pay for her end of life care and they listed it at its appraisal value.

2) I put $820,000 in the house and she makes $45,000/year. There is no situation where she can pay me off (even with no interest & not factoring in appreciation in value) in less than 20 years.

OOP explains the reason for keeping the house

OOP: We bought the house because she insisted. And the only reason I kept the house was a favor to her. I would have much preferred she bought me out of the house. I even researched loan options for her to see if she could buy me out. There were no good terms for her which is why I bought her out.

OOP responds to a downvoted comment asking why he hates his ex, based on the first post he made

OOP: Why we got divorced is immaterial as far as I am concerned here. But, if you want to know: (1) she went back on numerous promises throughout our marriage (including, that this would stop being treated like the family home when I spent the bulk of my savings to buy it for us), (2) we both came into the relationship as agnostic/atheist and that are kids would be raised non-religious, but got our son baptized anyways, (3) hid money issues she was having from me, and (4) the straw that broke the camel’s back, hid her sister's affair from my BIL (the only in-law that treated me well at all).

OOP provides more details about his family's and his ex's backgrounds while they were growing up

OOP: My dude, I am the son of two Haitian immigrants. When they got married, neither one had attended college. My dad drove trucks and my mom was a nanny for rich families. My mom eventually got a degree in early childhood education. My dad never got a degree.

My parents saved and never went into debt for anything. I grew up in a two bedroom, one bathroom house and was the youngest of three. I grew up with two amazing parents. So, quite wealthy in that respect. But, money wise? No, not really. They simply refused to incur debt for anything, lived off of 70% of their take home money, and that is how when my dad died, and my mom sold all of his businesses, she was able to give each kid about a $1,000,000. But, that is after about 45 years of living very frugally and having no debt.

Also, she has family with resources to buy the house. She has a godfather who is President of one of the largest banks in our state. She had options to explore to buy.

+

Not rich or privileged. My parents are Haitian immigrants who refused to go into debt for anything, refused to spend more than 70% of their take home income, and saved/invested the rest. I grew up in a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom home in a neighborhood where most of my neighborhood friend's families were on food stamps.

My ex grew up in a 4-bedroom house where she had her own room.

She has family members out of state who could have easily bought the home. She has a godfather who is President of the largest "local" bank in our state. He could have bought the home (or lend her money to buy it from me). My ex's family, if they pooled their money, could buy the house. Instead, there was alot of fighting among the family about the house until we bought it.

I did not screw them out of the home. I rather not have this home. My preference was that she buy me out or we sell it. She could not buy me out and she did not want to sell it. But, after this experience, it might just be time to just sell it and be done with it.

OOP on not being invited to his ex's grandma's funeral and the ex expecting him to entertain her family

OOP: I am not invited. You know my ex ok-ed people to stay at my house without checking with me at all, right? Like, not calling or texting whatsoever. Why would you think, it would be a faux pas in her mind to invite them to stay if I am not invited to the funeral? My ex does not care at all about decorum here.

You would think no one is dumb enough to invite family to stay with their ex for at least four nights without checking with their ex, but that is what happened and why I made this post. There is nothing logical about anything my ex did here.

But, you are free to believe what you want and ignore inconvenient facts. There is a lot of that going around.

Commenter 2: I’m saying that in a shared property state, a judge doesn’t just grant a post nup awarding all marital assets to one spouse. This guy sounds bitter and spiteful

OOP: The house was not a marital asset. I used pre-martial assets (pre-marital savings & inheritance) to buy, renovate, pay taxes, & pay HOA fees for the home throughout the marriage. In the post-nuptial agreement, I granted her 10% of the home, but I paid for 100% of it with premarital assets. The post-nup also clarified it was not a marital asset.

The court did award her half of the marital assets (checking account, savings, mutual fund), I also gave her a car that I bought pre-marriage, but she had driven throughout the marriage. I was ordered to pay her $12.000 in alimony ($500/month in alimony for 2 years). I paid her the full $12,000 upfront. She also received the 10% of the home.

All in all, she walked away with over $100,000 in cash, (roughly around $130K), along with household goods and a car.

Commenter 3: Info - why did hosting family contribute to the divorce? Also was she a SAHM?

OOP: Her family would show up whenever/however they wanted, generally would make a mess, and generally were rude/mean to me. Because of this, when we bought the house, one of my conditions was that it would be treated like our home rather than the family house.

We have a 3 year old son. While we were married (before our son was conceived or born), she was going to school and working part-time. I paid all expenses. After our son was born, she continued to go to school and work part-time. I continued to pay all expenses. We waited until he was 10 months old until he started going full-time to my mom's house. My son was born October 2022. At that time, my ex was finishing out a 2nd undergraduate degree with a graduation in May 2022. My ex finished the degree in May 2022. During my son's first 10 months, if my ex had class, had to work, etc., either I would be home with our son, my mom would watch him, or we would get a babysitter.

Update: January 21, 2026 (a bit over three weeks later)

UPDATE: A number of people have asked for an update. Not much has happened until a few days ago. On Saturday, one of my ex's cousins (not the one who showed up at my door) (we will call him, "Dave") texted me.

As you probably guessed from my original post, I do not have the best relationship with my ex's family. This was true while we were together. However, I did have a good rapport with this particular cousin.

Apparently, my ex and a number of the other family members had been talking bad about me in the family group chat. Dave reached out to get my side of things, but understood if I did not want to talk. I called him and relayed much of what I said in my original post and comments to him. What I learned from my conversation with Dave is:

1) My ex told her family, after the divorce, that she still co-owned the house with me.

2) That I do not abide by the court's order regarding expenses for our son and that she cannot afford a lawyer to fight me on it.

I set the record straight for him on both accounts. I own 100% of the house and bought her out of her 10% share. I also pay 100% of the medical costs and childcare/education costs for our son as ordered by the court. I also pay more than the court-ordered amount for child support. We talked a little bit more to catch up and I thought nothing of it. Apparently Dave decided to share the details of our conversation in the family group chat.

On Monday, I got an angry long text from my ex about what Dave said in the group chat and that she wanted to talk. We talked yesterday. She expressed how frustrated she is with everything. That she was (and still is) willing to do whatever it takes to make our relationship work. She said if I am not willing to try and make it work, the least I could do is work with her so she can pay me off overtime for the house, put the house in a trust for our son so it stays in the family, and not "bad mouth" her to her family.

I reiterated that there are no circumstances under which I would want to be with her. The least of which is that she is actively lying about me and our divorce to her family. I also restated that I will not let her pay me off for the house because it will take her decades to even pay me back for how much money I have put into the house even if there was no interest. I will not put it in a trust because the type of trust she wants is specifically designed to prevent me from selling the house in the future if I need to do so. I also stated that I did not ask Dave to share any of our conversation and everything I said to him was 100% factual.

I told her moving forward, I am doing no more than what I am legally obligated to do for her. I will only pay the child support amount that is legally required and not a cent more. I will put the extra I was paying towards the money I was already setting aside for our son. If she wants to buy the house, she can at fair market value. But, I will sell the house if, or when, I feel it is appropriate for myself and our son regardless of what her or her family want. If, or when, I sell it I will get the highest price possible regardless of whether that person is part of my ex's family. And if her family keep being a problem about the house, it will probably be sooner rather than later. She left mad, but that is where things stand.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Wow I can’t believe she signed a postnuptial that only gave her 10%. Was it time/conditioned based? Did you both have separate lawyers look it over? How long were you married? So many questions! Did she work? Did all her family take Dave’s version over hers?

OOP: She put up none of her own money to pay for the house. Yes, we had separate lawyers. Not time or conditioned based. We were married almost 6 years. She worked part time and went to school (which I paid for). I have no idea what version the family believed.

Commenter 2: Nothing says “I’m an AH” like having a post nup. You’re not legally wrong about anything but dude, come on. You took her family’s house out from under her. That’s your kid’s family. How do you sleep at night? So gross. YTA.

OOP: How did I take the house from under her? I bought it with my money, renovated it how she wanted, gifted her 10% of the house despite her not paying for any of it with her money, and offered her to buy me out of it. I only still how the house because she asked me to keep it.

If I had not used my inheritance, strangers would be living in this house not her family.

Commenter 3: Good for you. This was a nice update. I hope she felt embarrassed having her lies called out in the group chat like that.

Commenter 4: I really don't understand people like your ex. What was the point of lying about the house to her family? Was she hoping by some unicorn miracle she will wake up one day and her lies would come true and suddenly the house is hers?

----OLD NEW UPDATE----

Editor's note: the tangential post is over two months old, and it has not been posted here onto the sub. The ex mentioned in the post is OOP's ex and the mother of his son

AITAH for not allowing my ex to stay at my house while I am out of town with our son when her air conditioning is broke at her place?: August 17, 2026 (seven months later)

I am going to keep this short. I am going on a 10-day trip with my son starting tomorrow. I have FWB (who has not met my son and my ex is not aware of) who will be house sitting and watching my dog while I am gone.

My ex lives with her mom. The A/C at her house has been out intermittently throughout the summer. It is out again. Since I will be out of town, my ex asked if she could stay at my house and offered to watch my dog. I told her "No, I have made arrangements for the dog." She asked if she could stay at the house by herself. I told her, "No." My ex and I do not get along for a myriad of reasons and I rather not have her stay in the house (you can see my previous posts about our relationship if interested). But biggest reason I do not want her to stay is my FWB.

I told my FWB about the situation (in case my ex tries to come by). She said she would be "ok" staying at the house with my ex. She said there is plenty of room. I told her that it could become contentious and I rather not do it. She understood but is willing to accommodate whatever I feel comfortable doing.

AITAH for not letting my ex stay at my house?

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: NTA If you guys have a rocky past, I think it’s very entitled and a little suspicious that she wants to stay at your house. That is not a normal thing to ask or expect. I highly doubt she would reciprocate if she were in the position to do so; so why would she expect you to do it?

A privilege like that needs to be earned via some basic respect and trust. I also wouldn’t trust that she wouldn’t bring her mother along with her. I find it interesting. She’s willing to abandon her mother without air-conditioning but not herself? If her mother can live in it, so can she. Edited to include verdict

OOP: Her mom is not staying at the house either just to be clear. Basically, both have been staying with various friends when the A/C has been out. But, your overall point stands.

Downvoted Commenter: No obligation to say yes, I’m sure your reasons are solid. But for the sake of being a great example to your child and current partner and wanting to have a future peaceful time of co parenting you could offer to help her pay for hotel, Airbnb, etc. or another kind gesture to show kindness while she’s dealing with no A/C.

OOP: She got over a $130K in cash in the divorce. She should not be hurting for cash.

Downvoted Commenter: Oh, I’m sure you don’t owe her anything I’m just suggesting you do it anyway, and be the bigger person and take the high road. Always better to treat a situation with more kindness than they deserve.

OOP: I mean, I do not really consider that kindness. You are asking me to spend likely $100s of dollars for someone who can easily afford the expense. Typically, if I am doing that for someone, it is almost always a romantic interest. That is not the behavior of a purely platonic relationship with someone.

Commenter 2: NTA. It is not your responsibility to provide housing for your ex. However, it’s important to try your best to have a good relationship with your child’s other parent. As that is what is best for your child.

Are you in a position financially to help them get the A/C fixed? Could the FWB go back to their own home so your ex can stay there instead? It’s interesting that the FWBs solution was for them BOTH to stay there.

OOP: My FWB loves my dog and wants to be with him. But, he is not allowed at her apartment.

Commenter 3: Surely the ex has other friends she can stay with. So, no. You do not owe anyone use of your house.

Commenter 4: NTA. I highly suspect ex is also thinking it'd be fun to snoop through OP's house while he's gone for 10 days. I could be wrong but....

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I AM NOT OOP, OOP IS: [u/ThrowRAmarki](u/ThrowRAmarki)

Originally posted to: [r/relationship_advice](r/relationship_advice)

I (24M) can’t get over what she(25F) did even though I don’t think I can break up, what can I do? How do we move forward?

TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity, cheating, low self esteem, possible alcohol abuse, possible addiction

Mood spoiler: pure facepalm inducing frustration

Original post - October 2nd, 2026

I’ve been seeing my girlfriend since February of 2025. Honestly she is my first everything, and she is truly the love of my life, and even though I feel like angry I can’t deny that I love her.

We even officially moved in together June, after she lost her job earlier this year around March, but I got a new job and role and she’s been my pillar. I loved being able to come home to her, and it made going to work bearable because she was at home for me. I work a super dull and boring corporate fintech job and I hate it(my passion is story writing, but what can you do), but she’s been the only reason I haven’t straight up quit.

Around the beginning of September, I found out she got drunk last November on an outing with her friends, and cheated on me. It was devastating and rough to hear. The person who told me was her ex through some burner account, and I didn’t believe him, but he had photos. It wasn’t him she cheated with, but apparently one of his buddies. He told me he was looking out for me and wanted to tell me.

When I confronted her, all hell broke loose, and she admitted it’s true and it was a mistake. I even made sure to ask if she wasn’t coerced or anything, but she admitted it was consensual and a temporary lack in judgment. We argued, and I told her to get out. She begged me that we could work it out, but I was fuming, and packed her stuff while she tried stopping me, and I even got on my knees and told her if she truly cared about me, and if anything between us was real she would leave. I dropped her off at her old place to stay with her former roommate who is her friend.

Around 2-3 weeks went by, I had her blocked on everything. She even waited outside my apartment sometimes, but I told her not to and ignored her. I spoke with her friend and told her if she needed any cash I would be okay giving her some cash because I did kick her out. But I was miserable too. Coming home didn’t feel normal, and it sucked. I dreaded going home, stayed at the office longer than I needed too, went in on days even when I didn’t need to. I was miserable. I unblocked her and asked her to come over. She showed, she was crying, and telling me she had been wanting to chat and begged me to listen to her. We talked and she even said she would do therapy together or something if we needed.

Tbh, I was just happy to see her, and I also hugged her and cried, and it all spilled out. I told her I was mad that she cheated and idk if I could ever forgive her for doing it and then hiding it, but I also did miss her, and the past 12 days were miserable.

Anyway, we kinda semi-made up, and she moved back in. I have been trying to be nice because I did kick her out so suddenly and I feel terrible about that. I got her some shoes and bags she wanted, but she hasn’t even unpacked them, she thinks she doesn’t deserve it. She also cried a few more times and apologized. I told her I forgive her, but idk.

I also feel weak and pathetic for not respecting myself and for folding after just 12 days without her. But it was miserable coming back to an empty house with none of her things.

Part of me wishes I never found out and we could go back to before I found out. I genuinely would rather not know so I don’t feel like a lesser man for wanting to be with her, and so I would not have hurt her and kicked her out of the house. I even took her out to her favorite spot and we had a good date last week, but it ended with her saying “I’m not sure if I need or deserves all this” and she let a few silent tears out, and I had to hug her and say I forgive her.

How do we all just move on. I know I am a lesser man for taking her back, but I just want to not feel that way and just enjoy my time with her, and for her to stop feeling guilty about it too. Do I just tell her not to bring it up ever again? Did I ruin it by asking her to leave?

RELEVANT COMMENTS(The word “commenter” is abbreviated as ‘c’ from here on out, so ‘C1’ means ‘Commenter #1’ and so on):

C1: Yikes. Sorry this happened to you. I personally could never forgive cheating. What was her reasoning for doing it? Doesn’t it make you wonder if there were other instances this happened outside of this where there was actual proof? Trust will be hard to rebuild but you chose to forgave. You may find it harder than expected especially when she goes out with just her girlfriends.

OP to C1: I did. But she’s a homebody and rarely goes out. She was on a girls trip, and none of them knew either, and she got some flak from them too. Only 2 of her friends knew and encouraged her but about 2 months after that trip she stopped being friends with them and some unrelated group drama kicked them out, but she said she hated them since then, and was okay to see them leave the group.

There is always going to be doubt and that’s my issue. She offered to stop going out with her friends and never go on trips again but that’s not realistic. I want to be able to trust her.

But she did say, even back in March when she lost her job, she wants to never drink again and be sober forever, and she’s been good about that with no slip ups. I don’t drink anyway because my grandpa was an alcoholic and my dad raised me telling me addiction runs in our family and we should be careful so I never do anything of that sort, so she said she wants to join me. And she’s been good there. And stuff like that is why I love her so much. My cholesterol is higher than normal so I am weaning off red meat, and she is too even though she doesn’t have to.

Idk

C1 to OP: I still don’t see what was her reasoning for cheating? Is it that she felt confined for being a homebody and wanted to let loose? Was it the alcohol impairing her judgement? The reason makes a difference.

OP to C1: Alcohol, they were both drunk

C2: Sounds like you’re rewarding her behavior by buying her things.

OP to C2: No I was rather fucked up for packing her stuff in front of her when she was begging me not to and kicking her out when she had nowhere else to go. Her friends landlord already filled her old room with someone else, so she had to sleep in the couch and it’s only by luck her ex-roommates new roommate was chill and let her stay and didn’t snitch. Imagine she had nowhere to go and because I saw red she had to be on the street. Her parents live in another country and might not even be able to come here on time.

I own the part where I fucked up.

C3: Cheat on her back. Or use the guilt to get one sided open relationship, ideally.

OP to C3: I don’t want anyone except her man, I wish I could bring myself to just think like that, it’s not like that though. Idk why

C4: Sorry this happened to you. You kicking her out of the house isn’t something you should feel bad about, a lot of people would react the same way. Why are you buying her gifts and stuff is it because you feel guilty for kicking her out? Clearly she’s remorseful and you love her, but shit that stuff will leave a permanent mark on your brain that you won’t ever forget. I don’t have a ton of advice, but you seem like a really good guy.

OP to C4: Yeah. I didn’t even know if she had a place to stay when I kicked her out. I took her back to her old place, but the landlord had already filled her old room with someone else. Her ex-roommates new roommate was chill and let her sleep on the couch for those 12 days, but her parents don’t even live in this country and she doesn’t have family here. I wish I thought more rationally. Her ex-roommate is her friend but they aren’t super tight, and she had to sleep on the couch and stay at that place for 12 days and feel like a nuisance and impose on them. I can’t imagine it must’ve been easy. It’s stupid but even after everything I like her and can’t stand to think about how terrible that situation must’ve been for her. I wish I like went and got a hotel room or something and let her stay in the apartment till I could calm down.

C4 to OP: Was her losing her job in march around the time of the cheating? Did she lose her job related to alcohol?

OP to C4: She lost the job March, and the other incident was last November. The job loss was because of layoffs not her fault. Unrelated incidents

C5: I’m sorry but you are foolish for taking back a cheater.

OP to C5: I know and objectively if I saw this happening to another man I would feel the same, but idk man

C6: "Officially moved in together." Is that somehow different from unofficially moving in? What officiants were involved? You moved in together AFTER she lost her job? No bueno. And after she cheated, you took her back after less than two weeks?

"How do we all just move on"? You just pretend that she is not a cheater and you don't expect her to go out and get drunk and do it all over again while she knows you will welcome her with open arms, because you have shown her that's who you are. "She let a few silent tears out, and I had to hug her and say I forgive her." Cut and print.

"Did I ruin it by asking her to leave?' No. You ruined it by bringing her back.

OP to C6: We planned to move in anyway, even when she had a job, just waited for the lease to wrap up on her end

Update - October 11th, 2026

So basically, a couple days after my first post I got another job offer in a city 9 hours away. They wanted me to start within two weeks, and the current place I work for is at-will and while a two week notice is standard, I told them I had to leave ASAP, and wrapped everything up in two days and started packing up. I flew out to the new city, and found a temporary place that does leasing by month, got it for two months, and broke the contract and paid it out to my current place. My previous apartment and this one are pre-furnished, so there wasn’t much to move. I like getting apartments pre-furnished, less stuff to move and I don’t need to set up my own internet.

She came with me. The shoes and bag I bought her, I handed them over to my cousin telling her that they were the wrong size for my girlfriend. They aren’t my cousins size either so she said she would give them to her girlfriend or a friend. My girl said she really doesn’t feel like she deserved it, and wanted me to give it away.

It’s been a return to normal slowly. We’ve been in the new apartment since Friday. We drove and moved here in middle of the hurricane prep so that was something to say at the least. We live right above a grocery store. She really likes this place so we may move into a more permanent lease after spending sometimes here.

I only start next Tuesday(not this Tuesday) so we have time here still.

I really like her. I know it’s weak to forgive her and try to move on, but I really do want to. She told me I should see her phone anytime and gave me all her passwords, and I check them randomly still, but I do trust her for now(I will still check randomly). She said she will never hang out with her girlfriends without me or go out without me, but I told her thats not possible and we can build trust again. Well, she may be right in a way, because now we’re in a new place and we don’t know anyone. She is a homebody and rarely leaves the house so idk how she will make friends here. All her friends were people she knew from college.

Anyway, we also started looking at online relationship counselors and things. Maybe some group therapy. She has been trying to make up for it and ask for forgiveness in many different ways, she never even lets me cook anymore. I don’t want her to be like this either, I told her we gotta return to some type of normal.

I am just rambling but new city, new environment, I want her here. Can’t imagine how much worse this move and things would’ve been without her here.

Not much of an update, but when I was opening my devices again to make sure all of them were connected to the internet, I saw this and just wanted to close it out. I know a lot of you will be unhappy with the choice I took, but I just wanna move past it. I can’t imagine my life without her in it, and I know it makes me look like a weak man, but I really do like her. And she’s also been a good partner aside from this thing. I wanna choose to believe it was the alcohol that night and just not something she would usually do. And with us being 100% sober now, I have hope. I just want a life with her, I can’t imagine anything else.

Anyway I will end the rambling now.

RELEVANT COMMENTS:

C1: Doormats are like $7.99 at Lowe’s.

She’s got one that goes out and gets her a paycheck.

C2: And they lived miserably ever after.

C3: People on Reddit have zero respect for him, imagine what his gf thinks of him?

He’s at work in a new city and she’s flat on her back with Guy de jour in her laughing at OP

THIS IS A REPOST SUB I AM NOT OOP

REMEMBER BORU RULE #7 AND DO NOT CONTACT OR COMMENT ON ANY OF THE OOP’S ORIGINAL POSTS, KEEP ALL CONVERSATION IN BORU