r/relationship_advice • u/ThrowRAiil • 20d ago
How do I(26M) navigate this relationship with my ex-sister-in-law(32F)?
My brother(he would’ve been 35 if he was alive today) met my SIL(or would it be ex-SIL) around 11 years ago. The family approved, and to be honest even today my parents love her and she is a great person.
Around 7 years ago they got married after she became pregnant, and had another kid around 6 years ago. I was in college for most of this time but I would occasionally come home and see them whenever seeing my folks and I was close with my brother(he was way older than me, so he was almost a second father of sorts, but a fun one, so not really).
2021, our lives changed drastically. My brother passed away due to a pulmonary embolism that went undetected and untreated. It was super rare for PE to go undetected and usually intervention is done on time, but we think with covid and everything, maybe things slipped through, but I also think it was mostly just timing and bad luck. My entire family was devastated, and my SIL and niece and nephew’s life changed. My niece was just born too, and he passed away before she could even turn a year old. It still pains me when I think about the fact that his kids will never be able to recall or remember him because of how young they were when it happened. I try my best, as do my parents and SIL, to tell them stories about him and make sure they at least have an idea of who he was.
Around 2022, my parents left the country to retire after my mom had a psychiatric break and had to go have stay. My brother’s death still messes with her. My dad said it would be best for her if they had a change of scenery and they left for their home country, and they visit us for holidays, and send money to my SIL whenever she needs it or anything.
Anyway, around the end of 2024/beginning of 2025, I moved back to my hometown because I got a remote job and I could live in my parents house, which still had some money left on it to be paid off for, but I told my dad I would take care of it since it wasn’t much left, and I was gonna stay there. He told me the house is mine to do with as I please, and wrote it to my name during a trip here.
I started talking to my SIL and nieces and nephews more, hung out with them more, and was backup babysitter and school pickup anytime she needed. Honestly, at one point, they would comer over and they would just stay the weekend with me, especially my nephew, just because he wanted to. I don’t mind I love those kids, they’re smart and will do great things. My niece is a trouble maker though, she’s going to be a menace in her teenage years, she already talks back pretty well 😂
But my SIL and I met more often and also grieved my brother together. She also said she hadn’t dated or tried to find anyone after my brother, and although part of me was like “thank god, the kids won’t have to see someone replace my brother” I realized how messed up it was to think that way, and tried to encourage her to date again and find someone. But one thing led to another, and we got together a few times last year. I got another job offer in the last quarter of 2025, but it was in person, but I took it, and told them to move into my parents house since I finished paying it off anyway, and she was grateful but we left it at that.
I was on a temporary business deployment from January to April this year, but hated that job, so I left it and got another remote job and moved back to my hometown and stayed at an apartment. I spoke to her, we met up a few more times, and then my apartment had to be renovated in August, so I went back to my parents house with them, and then the apartment stuff kept getting delayed so I broke the lease and ended up staying there.
Everyday we wake up, and my nephews and niece are there, and I wake up to a full house with them, and with her. I really like it. Feels nice. We had a talk, and she said she won’t force me, but she likes me, and has felt this way since we first started hooking up. She also said she only started liking me after seeing how I got along with the kids, and said I go above and beyond as an uncle and she knew how much I liked my brother because of that. She said, if she is gonna bring someone else into their lives, she would much rather it be me or nobody else, not just because of the kids or me being their uncle, but because of who she thinks I am.
I really like her too, and I really want to get on with it. But there is the big part of me that feels like I am betraying my brother. I spoke to her about this, and she said she never stopped loving my brother, but she can’t be hung up forever, and it’s not what he would want either, and I kinda agree. But my brother always trusted me, and this feels like betrayal. I told her these things, and she suggested we go to therapy together, and it would be good for us anyway since she also didn’t get a chance to process everything since she was busy raising the kids.
I guess I am not sure what I am looking for here. How would I navigate this without dishonoring my brother’s memory? Sorry for the long post.
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u/TarzanKitty 20d ago
So, you don’t feel fucking your late brother’s wife is a betrayal but dating her is too far? Is that what you are saying here?
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u/ThrowRAiil 20d ago
No, even that was far and we struggled with that, but I am hesitant about replacing his role completely, especially in my nephew and nieces life, it’s not his fault he’s not here right now
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u/TheSpeckledSir 20d ago
I would imagine the part of this that your brother would have an issue with would be sleeping with his former partner (which has been going on for some time apparently without issue), not stepping up to be a consistent presence for his kids.
Why is it only a problem if it gets more serious? Is it because you'd have to deal with other people finding out and having opinions?
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u/Flimsy-Car-7926 20d ago
You've already stepped into the role your brother had in every way except it being official and public knowledge. I think the part you're having difficulty with is other people knowing about it. Which tells me you feel guilty about it. You couldn't possibly have a happy healthy relationship with all of that guilt.
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