Since June I have just been grieving the loss of my little baby boy. I knew that saying goodbye was necessary, so although I was absolutely wild with grief, I did what I had to do. Some days are worse than others, but I knew I had gotten through the worst of it by now.

What I did not expect was randomly starting to have flashbacks this weekend. Nothing necessarily triggered it, I was just eating dinner and bam. Everything I had to set aside my feelings and do to hasten the death of my son, the researching, the scheduling, the traveling out of state, the paying money like it was something I wanted. Absolutely overwhelmed by the *horror* of it all. Like a bolt of lightning on a clear day, it hit me out of nowhere and it's hard to imagine ever being okay again. I thought I was just devastated that my son was gone, and it turns out there is a whole new layer of trauma that my brain was hiding from me until I had enough distance to process it.

Thankfully I am seeing a therapist already. Not saying I have PTSD necessarily, but I was surprised to learn that a study found over 40% of women who TFMR end up with PTSD. I found this fact validating to what I feel, and my hope is that if anyone is on the fence about therapy then you go ahead and get it. Sad we are all here, but so thankful to have this group for support.

Less than a week ago we had to terminate due to medical reasons, and an unexpected consequence is it negatively impacting my friendships. I cannot keep explaining that there was no “choice”, and I don’t even want to imagine “trying again.”

I genuinely feeling I’ve been forced against my will to outgrow some friendships I’d been really loving and thriving in prior, because now they don’t seem to get my life or what it looks like at all. I can’t relate to them or what they have going on, and it seems like the realities of TFMR overwhelm them, even when I barely mention it.

I am really seeking a friend who can actually relate to my experience. I have 2 living kids, had 1 early miscarriage, and 1 recent medically necessary termination of a wanted pregnancy. I truly would love to be internet BFFs with other folks who understand and relate to me.

Based in the PNW if it matters

I just found out I'm pregnant, 6 weeks. I have two gorgeous boys 6&3, on my second pregnancy I got diagnosed with a rare blood disorder. That pregnancy was very overwhelming due to the high risk, I ended up at 3 appts a week, admitted for monitoring at 32 weeks, section at 35+5. Baby was total perfection thankfully. However the last trimester was spent being told how he would probably inherit my new illness, and how the birth could fatally impact one or both of us. We were told best case scenario he would be in the NICU for at least a few weeks. The Anxiety and guilt during that pregnancy was horrendous. All while battling the illness as well and then the time away from my first born nearly broke me! After the baby arrived my condition worsened. I spent years in and out of hospital, 1,000s of steroids, Chemo, and finally a surgery, six months ago, that has given me my life back. My illness remains but body can manage it and I feel almost no symptoms!!! 👏🏻 Bam - I get pregnant! Due to the surgery, the consultants believe this pregnancy would be easier but due to the rarity of the illness we don't actually know how it will all go. I'm also 40 next year which adds another layer of complications. I also just feel like I got my life back, my time with my boys back, my friends! But the guilt of a termination just because it would be hard or medically difficult feels overwhelming. Am I just using my illness as an excuse? This pregnancy would be high risk on multiple levels, but it could all work out perfectly too, I mean technically the last worked out, and my baby was perfect! Like if I power through I could probably manage to survive, and hopefully have another gorgeous little baby.......but I also would really like to actually get a chance to finally enjoy the life iv built, without illness and all the appts and hospitals. My consultant said we could manage it though....so am I just using the illness as reason? Is it really a TFMR if I have other reasons? Has anyone ever been through this? What does the other side look like?

I'm about 7 weeks after a TFMR at the beginning of the second trimester for T18.

The first 10 days were absolute hell, I had a surgery and deeply regretted it because I felt I had no other choice and didn't even get to meet my girl. I just went to sleep pregnant and woke up with an empty belly. My baby girl was inside me and suddenly she was nowhere to be found. I still feel as if it's something I can't wrap my mind around: how is it possible that she's nowhere?

In addition, my milk came in despite being so early in pregnancy and I wasn't prepared, nobody had warned me of this possibility and it felt like the cruelest joke.

The following weeks were a rollercoaster of emotions, crying then being hopeful for the future, wanting to get pregnant straight away, wanting to never get pregnant again.

Now I feel better, I can function better, some days I can go the whole day without feeling sadness (not without thinking of her, I think of her every single day).

But some days, out of the blue, are so hard.

Like today: I miss her so so much. How can you miss this much someone you haven't even ever met? I feel it deep in my bones, in my heart.

I miss her so much it hurts and I don't know what to do..

Currently 20 weeks and 3 days. At 14 weeks our nipt came back high risk for trisomy 18. We got referred to a high risk doctor with a genetic counselor. They recommended the amniocentesis so we set it up at a hospital. We did that on October 2nd. Today is October 21st and we still don’t have answers.
We got our fish results back a few days after that said normal so they said he doesn’t have full trisomy 18 but could still have mosiac or partial so wait for full results.
I went back on the 16th and there was still no results, they said I should have them the 19th. The 19th comes and no results and they send me a message saying it should be back by the 21st. Well today comes and they call me saying the lab is backed up because there’s something different with the chromosome 18 and they wanted to grow more cells to look at and they thought they’d be ready to look at today and they weren’t so they’re hoping tomorrow. They also said if this doesn’t give them the answers their looking for that they want to do an additional test called the cma and when I look that up it says it can take another 2-3 weeks to process. Which feels ridiculous. Has anyone ever dealt with this? And how long did it end up taking? We’re getting so upset and frustrated because tomorrow marks 7 weeks that we’ve been going through this process and we still have no answers and it’s heartbreaking. It’s causing us so much stress and depression and we feel like we’re running out of time to make a decision.

i had my d&e about 7 ish weeks ago, and following genetic testing, my baby is now ready to be cremated. the thought never crossed my mind but i’m considering asking the funeral home if i can see him prior to cremation? i don’t know if that’s an odd request? he was 19 weeks so i know he’s going to be so tiny, but apart of me is genuinely curious and thinks that it may help me grieve.

i guess im just posting to ask what others have done and to validate that im not weird for wanting to see him lol

I live in Alabama and am looking to TFMR. Has anyone from a banned state traveled for a TFMR? Any advice on where to start? Cost estimate?

I was taking to someone on the very pro life side- they don’t know I had two TFMRs. They were saying that women who do IVF and throw away embryos that aren’t chromosomally normal are “throwing away God’s gift.” I doubt if this person has any idea how serious an extra or missing chromosome can be…often resulting in lethal or life limiting complications. I don’t even know if I want to challenge them on this because they seem so closed minded about this. But ignorance is bliss….

My husband and I had to TFMR at 19 weeks due to PPROM at 17 weeks back in March. To say it has been a rough few months would be an understatement.

I am currently 12 weeks with a subsequent pregnancy. I have an OB that I trust who is taking lots of precautions. We haven’t told anyone. I can’t deal with people being excited when all I feel is all-consuming fear and dread. I feel like the hormones are making me more depressed? Or maybe being pregnant again is making me relive it all again? Or maybe this is just what it feels like to have lost a baby regardless of the new one inside. Either way, I barely feel like a person. I don’t know how to exist with this fear and dread and sadness on top of the loneliness by keeping the secret. But I also worry that telling everyone we’re pregnant just to have another failed pregnancy will kill me all over again. I don’t know. I’m not sure how to cope. I just needed to vent to people that understand.

Just needing some encouragement right now. Have a beautiful healthy 3 year old already and was so excited for him to have a sibling. Got a positive NIPT test for high risk trisomy 21 at 11 weeks. Got the amino at 16 and got positive results back at 18 along with some other concerns. News was hard. Don’t have the condition in the family and doctors said it wasn’t genetic just an anomaly.

Why my baby, you know? Husband wants to try again and even with the doctors reassurance I still worry.
How long does it take to start trying again?

We told people about this pregnancy so feels embarrassing because what do I even say? It’s not their business of course but it just feels weird… idk.

Thanks for reading and for words of encouragement.

This is my first pregnancy, I’m 39f and currently 22 weeks. We had been trying for two years and had a round of IVF before falling pregnant this June.
I’ve been anxious since I saw that second line on the pregnancy test, and even though I didn’t have many symptoms, I had an eventful pregnancy as after a bleed at week 6, I was told at week 7 that baby didn’t have a heartbeat.. a second scan a few days later found a heartbeat and a normally growing fetus but I did spend 3-4 days grieving the loss.
Fast forward to week 12, scan was fine and normal, but I opted for a private NIPT to be sure, and that came back low risk too. At this point I started feeling more hopeful about this pregnancy and started telling close friends and family.
Week 20 comes around and my sonographer found a diaphragmatic hernia. Specialist referral, and they told me my baby doesn’t have a diaphragm in the right hand side, which is the most severe form of the condition, and the liver is ‘fully up’.
They gave us a 60% chance of surviving, but baby will need to be intubated at birth as lungs won’t have grown very much (they are squashed by the liver) and will need a diaphragm in the first few days of their life and potentially a repeat as they grow. This is a rare genetic disorder (congenital diaphragmatic hernia) (1/3000 babies) but only 10-15% of that is on the right hand side so I can’t find much online.
What I can find is ‘survivors groups’ where toddlers come out of NICU at various points and with varying degrees of other problems. From feeding to breathing, scoliosis etc.
Based on the above, husband and I decided that if there is also a genetic condition we terminate.
My dilemma comes from the amniocentesis, it came back clear as the baby has no genetic conditions.
However over the last two weeks, I’ve torn myself, I wake up one day thinking termination is the right choice, I don’t want to be a ‘hospital mum’
And next day thinking that I should give this baby a chance, it might be part of the 10% that make it through with no major problems after the initial NICU stay.
I feel like I can’t discuss this with my friends as they will be judging me, so I’ve come to the internet for support 😔
I worry that I will regret the termination, and that I might never be able to get pregnant again. I also worry that I might bring a baby into this world that will spend most of their life in hospital or having difficulties.
Why is this decision so difficult to make?

(I hope this is the right place to put this). Hoping that there is someone out there in this community who knows how this feels…? We lost our son to TFMR three years ago after TTC for a year. We then tried for a year afterwards - naturally, IUI, IVF, many surgeries and procedures - and when the IVF failed we decided to take a break and revisit when the time felt right. That was two years ago and it never felt right. We decided to stop trying and enjoy our lives for all the beauty they have now. But we are simply at an age where everyone around us has kids or is getting pregnant and it’s feels so heavy. As much therapy and support and communication and checking in with my husband and checking in with myself that I do, the triggers are incessant. Triggers that remind me of my loss and remind me of the injustice of suffering through infertility after such a devastating loss. I felt so confident about our choice to stop trying for a good long while and now, just inundated with pregnancy announcements, it’s so hard to not drown in the narrative around me that we should have kept trying. What was all that struggle for if not to eventually have a child. If I sit down and truly think about what I want for my life, I’m at peace about not trying anymore. But what I want is my boy. What I want is for the TFMR to have never happened. I guess im wondering if there is anyone or any couples out there who decided to not TTC after their TFMR and have found peace in their lives. Thank you in advance ❤️

I’m 13 days out from TFMR at 25 weeks + 2 days, as a first time mom.

Yesterday, I felt somewhat calm telling a friend that hadn’t heard about the loss yet. Realized it’s probably numbness and a fried nervous system trying to protect itself.

Laying in bed last night, struggling to get to sleep, I had a thought I didn’t have one single time from the anatomy scan news at 21 weeks until now- “I wish I had never been pregnant.”

But I love/d my little boy fiercely. I was so excited to feel his kicks and daydream about the adventures we would take him on. I don’t want anyone to forget him. So how could I think that?

And also I think I’ve ruined mine and my husband’s lives. We were happy before - not without problems or things to deal with - but generally happy and optimistic about the future. We had been on the fence about kids for years, and I was the one who finally went, “let’s go for it.”

I know so many people struggle with fertility, and desperately want to have kids, but right now I wish we had never been successful. Being on this side of it, feeling like we were so close (but not), and now living with this grief for the rest of our lives…thinking about how scary it would be to try again…

Couldn’t we have just not gotten pregnant if the universe didn’t want us to have kids?

I know there’s probably another couple weeks of hormone levels stabilizing still…maybe that horrible thought will pass, too. But it’s like everyday we’re further from the TFMR I uncover this new layer of pain.

We just had our 12 week NT and came back with a 3.6mm septated cystic hygroma. No signs of structural abnormalities. Also submitted blood work for the NIPT.

The MFM doctor said that it’s a 50% chance of a chromosomal issue, which can only really be confidently diagnosed with an amnio at 16 weeks (additional ultrasound then too). The NIPT results are reliable for Downs but not the other chromosomal conditions.

IF the amnio shows a chromosomal or genetic defect, my husband and I are aligned on TFMR.

If it is clear, it could still be an issue of a heart defect or lymph issue, which would be diagnosed at 18 weeks at a fetal cardiac echo and then at 20 weeks at the anatomy scan. the prognosis of those are unknown right now given it could be a range of outcomes. We would likely TFMR in those instances too.

There’s like a 15-20% chance it goes away on its own (hygroma shrinks) and we have a healthy baby.

We are not rolling the dice and pray kind of people. I would rather be conservative and TFMR to eliminate the doubt. I am 38 and we conceived on our second attempt, and we already have a healthy toddler. So we don’t feel desperate for this pregnancy to succeed, although it has been very upsetting and emotional to hear this news.

But what’s the right stage to make that call, and what to do when the results aren’t clear-cut?

I worry about results of all these further tests being negative or a judgment call and then we say “let’s go for it” and then our baby is born with issues.

But at which point is it too hasty to say, let’s proceed with termination and abandon hope? Am I not fairly weighing the possibility of a healthy baby?

There seems to be a real con to waiting until after the anatomy scan, which is emotional turmoil of delivering/terminating a more developed fetus that perhaps has been kicking, and with which you have developed more of an emotional connection. How do I weigh that against getting all the data?

Unfortunately I am having to post here. My nightmare started at 12 weeks where my US scan showed an increased NT of almost 7.5mm. We had received a clean NIPT a week before so this came as a terrible shock.

CVS confirmed Turners Syndrome, or NIPT was a false negative. We did all our research and were so ready to welcome our daughter into the world but understood the uphill battle she faced.

Today I am 16+1 and had an appointment with the mfm which she was able to clearly see the baby has HLHS. We are devastated as we know the survival of a baby with hlhs and turners is extremely low and that even if they do survive childhood it would be filled with surgeries and a short lifespan.

We have decided to TFMR. I am so devastated and heartbroken. This was our first pregnancy and I so badly want to be a mother. Unfortunately where I am doesn't allow D&C this late and we are looking at having to have a compassionate induction and while I now I am doing the kindest most loving thing I can for my baby, in so scared about this whole experience and the realities of giving birth to a dead baby and what she's going to look like.

Any advice or words of assurance would be so helpful if you've been through this. Thank you for reading

I had a TFMR for anencephaly following the 12 week scan in January 2025. This was a much wanted and loved pregnancy and a devastating loss. After 18 months of trying we finally got pregnant again in July this year and I am now 20 + 3 days.

Before the 12 week scan I was terribly anxious and crying before the probe even hit. Thankfully we had the confirmation that everything looked healthy & as planned. Our conception dates were slightly out and the baby was 1mm too small for the NT measurement, so I had a further scan at 13 weeks which was also healthy & growing on track. The NT measurement was in the 90% percentile which did concern me, but nothing was flagged on the hormone test and we are 1/1,000 for Down’s and 1/5,000 for Edward’s. We also heard the heartbeat on the doppler at the 16 week midwife appointment, which was within normal range.

Despite all this, my 20 week anomaly scan is tomorrow and I am horribly anxious. I haven’t been sleeping well and my heart is racing. I’m terrified that something sinister is lurking around the corner and we’ll be pushed right back into the world of grief and pain from two years ago. I’m concerned that due to the high NT measurement and the anencephaly from last time, I might be high risk for a baby with a neural tube issue?

I guess what I’m looking for is some reassurance, even if this is just the anecdotal experience of strangers. If anybody has any positive stories of subsequent pregnancies after a similar loss, I would love to hear them.

Thank you

This so was incredibly triggering to me and has me absolutely shattered. While my baby had T18 and not T21 it’s just absolutely shattering my heart that there was a study showing the successful removal of T21 in cells in a lab. I know we’re so far away from this being a medical procedure but even just that little bit of hope for someone I already lost just crushes me 😭

Anyways I’m sad now over a completely hypothetical cure for chromosomal defects

First of all, thank you to all of you for been a support I needed during this awful time. I posted many times on different topics and always had wonderful feedback and advices.

This one is a bit hard for me to talk about. My partner (he is my boyfriend, not my husband) was coming into the relationship with no expectations of having kids, me however had a very clear expectation that I want more kids. I have a 4.5 yo from previous relationship but would like to have one more child if I am wth someone long term. He agreed, I got pregnant very fast and it ended with TFMR at 22 weeks. It would have been his first child. We are just 10 days out from the procedure and everything is still very raw. I haven’t changed my mind regarding more kids. I still want to try again once my body heals. I am turning 38 in May and don’t have much fertility time left.

My partner shuts down any conversation about future kids at this point. I understand he is grieving and I would like to give him time but what if this is all for nothing and at the end of the day he will say no? I don’t think I will want to stay in this relationship. I want a child with him, I love him immensely. I asked him if that’s the TFMR that influenced his decision and he said mostly no, it’s all other things like him been in his 40’s, financial situation is not getting better with how the world and economy are right now etc. So to me if TFMR is irrelevant at this point-nothing should have changed his decision since it was the same struggles when he entered this relationship and yet said he would want to have a child. So if we are to keep same expectations and he will say no to a child-that’s not the relationship I want. Although I love him as a partner very much. I genuinely don’t know what to do. I hope he will work on this with the therapist and take his time but even now knowing that he is on a fence regarding having another child makes me think what’s the point.. can’t seem to comprehend how I feel towards him now. It hurt me badly to hear that he was not sure and needed time to think about it.

On top of loosing my baby, I am now facing potentially loosing hope to have another baby which I so badly want.

Hi everyone,

I posted here a little while ago and honestly, the replies and messages I got have carried me through the last couple of weeks. So thank you, really. That's why I'm coming back, because I don't know where else to put all of this right now. 🙏

Quick recap: I'm almost 16 weeks, my NIPT showed a high risk for trisomy X, and my amnio is next Tuesday. The quick result should come the day after, the final one about two weeks later. My husband and I have talked a lot, and if it's confirmed, we're leaning towards ending the pregnancy. When I'm calm, I still believe that's the right decision for us. With my own mental health (OCD, anxiety, pregnancy depression) and how wide the range is, the risks just feel too high for me. Not because I think a girl with trisomy X can't have a good life, a lot of them do. But I don't know if I could be the mother she needs if things turn out difficult, and I don't think I can gamble on that.

And still, the "what ifs" are eating me alive. What if she would have been completely fine? What if I'm making the wrong choice out of fear? What if I'm never able to forgive myself? I can argue with these thoughts all day and they just come back louder. The closer the amnio gets, the worse the panic gets. Some days I can barely breathe.

A few people around me have asked me, "How are you ever going to live with deciding against your own child?" I know they don't mean it to hurt, but it does. It sits in my head on repeat, because it's exactly what I'm afraid of.

What makes it even harder is that this is such a grey diagnosis. Most of the stories I read here are about babies who wouldn't survive or would suffer a lot, and I completely understand why those parents made their choice. With trisomy X, everyone keeps telling me "it's mild", "most girls are fine", "you'd never even notice". And then I feel so weak. Like other parents can take on so much more, and I'm the one who can't handle a "mild" diagnosis. Like I'm not strong enough, not loving enough, not a good enough mother. But mild on average doesn't mean mild for every child, and no one can tell me where on that range my daughter would be. I know my limits, and I know what I'm already carrying. I just wish I didn't feel so ashamed of that.

So I guess I'm asking those of you who have been here:

• How did you live with the "what ifs", before and after? Did they ever get quieter?

• If you ended a pregnancy for a grey or "milder" diagnosis: did you also feel like you were too weak, or that your reasons weren't "good enough"? How did you make peace with that?

• And how are you now? Have you been able to go back to living your life, even if it looks different?

I think I just need to hear from people who stood exactly where I'm standing and are still okay on the other side. That it's possible to carry this and keep going.

I really would appreciate some understanding, warm words. 🫶

Thank you for reading, and sending love to everyone here, whatever stage you're at. 🤍

Hi everyone. In August we had to terminate our pregnancy at 12 weeks 5 days after she was diagnosed with alobar holoprosencephaly. Her microarray came back normal, and we're now waiting on trio exome sequencing to find out what comes next.

I'm so angry, sad and hurt and really need to vent..

My husband can't have biological children, so we used known donor sperm and IVF to get here. We've spent two years and so much money trying, and it feels like there's no end in sight. Everyone around me is getting pregnant and buying houses while we're stuck in limbo. My husband's family hasn't checked in at all, my only friend has gone distant since this has all happened. I feel really alone in this.

I am mad that we have to go through this, I’m sad that my husband can’t have biological children and he has a big sense of guilt (even though this isn’t his fault), I’m even more mad that getting answers take so long and we just can’t move forward without them..

It has consumed my whole life and I don’t know what brings me joy anymore, literally every day just feels like a waiting game

If you've been through TFMR or waiting on genetic results, how did you get through it? Did anything help?

I’m 36 years old, sat in the doctors office after an ultrasound. It’s my first ever pregnancy. I’m 13w 4d and I had a high risk NIPT result. Additionally, the doctor who did my ultrasound said I have a high NT of 5.4 and the fetus has a small nasal bone. Honestly at this point I am gutted and don’t want to put myself through an amnio as well as the emotional pain of confirming a result I basically know to be true. Just feeling super defeated and exhausted.

Does anyone have any experience making this decision without 100% confirmation?

Thanks in advance for all the help

EDIT: sorry for not including earlier- I tested high risk for T21. Thank you so much everyone for your experience and feedback- it’s really helped ❤️

Hi everyone ❤️

I’m 16 weeks pregnant with my little boy, and I’m having a TFMR on Wednesday. At 13 weeks, we found out that his bladder was enlarged, and with every ultrasound, we received more difficult news. He has megacystis, likely caused by a partial blockage of his urethra, and his kidneys have been increasingly affected. We also found out about chromosomal abnormalities, and after speaking with the doctors, we were told that his prognosis is very poor.

This is my first baby, and making this decision has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I love him so much already, and I never imagined I would have to say goodbye to my little boy before getting the chance to meet him. Even though we made this decision based on the doctors’ advice, I still struggle with guilt and wonder if things could have turned out differently.

For anyone who has been through a TFMR, does the guilt ever get easier? How did you cope with the grief and get through the procedure? I feel so alone right now and would really appreciate some support from people who understand

i know this isn't the place to post this. i tried in a weight loss group and the backlash i got was horrible just because i lost my baby at 19 i was told such horrible things that it was a good thing because im too young when nobody knows my situation. so please can someone tell me here instead. i lost my baby 2 months ago and during my pregnancy i gained so much weight and now that i've lost my baby i also feel like i've lost myself i just want my baby back but i also want to lose all this weight, i dont want to do weight loss injections as me and my boyfriend aren't 'trying' but we also aren't preventing and im don't want to do anything which will result in me losing a baby. i just wanted some tips on if anyone else has dealt with this

Today marks exactly six years since I lost my little boy, Wolfie.

On October 19, 2020, at 13:27, I gave birth to him at 17 weeks after terminating my pregnancy because he had Down syndrome.

Not a single day has passed that I haven't thought about him, missed him, or wished things had been different. Six years later, I am still utterly heartbroken.

I was terrified when I made the decision. I am disabled myself, unable to work, and already had children to care for. I was afraid of the possibility of serious medical complications, lifelong care needs, and suffering. I genuinely didn't know whether I could care for a child with significant disabilities.

The hardest part is that I still don't know whether I made the right decision or the wrong one. Sometimes I wish I had continued the pregnancy and given my son a chance at life. Other times, I remember my circumstances and the uncertainty surrounding his diagnosis, and I wonder whether I made the right decision after all.

I cannot honestly say what I would choose if I were in the same situation today. And that uncertainty torments me.

Since losing Wolfie, I've had two healthy daughters. I now have four living children whom I love dearly, but they cannot replace him. I never had another son. I'm 45 now and single, and knowing that I will probably never have another little boy is incredibly painful. Not because another son could ever replace Wolfie, but because I so desperately miss the son I lost.

I've been deeply depressed for six years. I've tried therapy, but nothing has helped me make peace with what happened.

Recently, I realized something about myself that explains so much of my suffering.

I have come to see my suffering as a sentence I must serve, perhaps for the rest of my life, unless God Himself tells me that I can stop.

I don't suffer because I think it proves how much I love Wolfie. I suffer because I believe I deserve to be punished for the decision I made. I cannot undo what happened. I cannot bring my son back. And because I cannot make things right, I feel that suffering is the punishment I owe for my part in his death.

Allowing myself to be happy feels like letting myself off the hook, as though I were escaping the consequences of something I believe I should be held accountable for.

The hardest part is that I don't know how to release myself from this sentence. I don't even believe I have the right to.

I only found my Christian faith about a year ago. Since then, I've struggled deeply with questions of forgiveness. I've prayed countless times, asking God for mercy and for some reassurance that Wolfie is safe. I long for a sign, even just a dream in which I could see my little boy happy and at peace.

I know that only God can give me the forgiveness and reassurance I'm searching for. Until then, I feel trapped between desperately wanting peace and believing I don't deserve it.

I don't want my life to be miserable. I want to be a happy mother to my four living children. I want to enjoy life again without feeling that every moment of happiness is something I haven't earned or have no right to experience.

I am not suicidal. My four living children need their mother, and I will always be here for them. But I feel as though part of me died with Wolfie, and I haven't known how to live fully since.

I'm not posting this to start a debate about abortion, Down syndrome, or whether my decision was justified. Please don't tell me that I unquestionably made the right choice, but I don't need to be condemned either. I have been doing that to myself for six years.

I genuinely don't know what to think about my decision anymore. I just know that I miss my son more than words can express, and I am exhausted from carrying this grief, guilt, and self-imposed punishment every single day.

I needed to get this off my chest because I don't have anyone in my life who truly understands what this feels like, apart from my mother, who carries her own pain.

If there are any fellow Christians here, I would be incredibly grateful if you could say a prayer for Wolfie and for me. I pray that my little boy is safe in God's arms, that I might someday hold him again, and that somehow I can find peace without feeling that I am escaping accountability for what happened.

I don't want to forget Wolfie. I don't want to stop loving or missing him. I just don't know how to stop punishing myself.

Thank you for listening.

I had my TFMR 9 days ago. It’s still very fresh and I am not fit to go back to work just yet. For a context, I am a nurse in a very physically and emotionally demanding setting. I recognize I need to heal my body for at least 4-6 weeks. I can be off work for 15 weeks. I genuinely miss my work and would not want to be off for the whole 15 weeks. I’m looking to hear of others experiences on when you went back to work and did you regret it or not. I understand that every situation is different, just trying to set up an expectation for myself I guess? I was 22 weeks and had l&d for a context. Thank you all for reading this.