Going back to work

[u/Intelligent-Salad429]

I had my TFMR 9 days ago. It’s still very fresh and I am not fit to go back to work just yet. For a context, I am a nurse in a very physically and emotionally demanding setting. I recognize I need to heal my body for at least 4-6 weeks. I can be off work for 15 weeks. I genuinely miss my work and would not want to be off for the whole 15 weeks. I’m looking to hear of others experiences on when you went back to work and did you regret it or not. I understand that every situation is different, just trying to set up an expectation for myself I guess? I was 22 weeks and had l&d for a context. Thank you all for reading this.

[u/Winter-Chipmunk5467]

I went back today, 3 weeks. I don’t know the answer but it’s not 3 weeks. It was awful.

[u/Intelligent-Salad429 → u/Winter-Chipmunk5467]

I am so sorry… I am scared in a way to feel this way too.. especially considering that I need to take care of acutely ill people and face their families so I need to be well enough for that. In my kind I think I would take at least 6 weeks.. I am so sorry you had to go back, it’s cruel how the life goes on and we stay still in it..

[u/Winter-Chipmunk5467 → u/Intelligent-Salad429]

Same, I work with kids and just have nothing to give them.

[u/_abby_normal_ → u/Winter-Chipmunk5467]

Same, I went back after 3 weeks and it was a mistake. I think 6-8 weeks would have been the right amount. But I just pushed through and kept going to work everyday anyways.

[u/chanty1]

I'm in Canada and took one week off after L&D at 23+6 using sick days, but I don't work in a public-facing role. I don't regret my decision because work kept me busy and helped take my mind off what happened. My manager has also been very accommodating.

If I worked in a public-facing role, I might have taken more time off.

I also didn't want to start an EI maternity claim and then have to reaccumulate the 600 insurable hours, even though that's only about four months of full-time work.

[u/Intelligent-Salad429 → u/chanty1]

I was in such a distress and haven’t thought this through, although I used all my sick days prior to TFMR so mat leave was my only option unless I wanted to go unpaid. So I will now be stuck with obviously accumulating 600 hours which is indeed roughly 4 months so hopefully it’s not that big of a deal but one of the reasons for me to go back to work is to start accumulating those hours. But I am facing patients in acute setting daily and can’t afford to me mentally unwell either

[u/chanty1 → u/Intelligent-Salad429]

Maybe you can go on a holiday or staycation to take your mind off things since you'll be taking maternity leave. You don't have to take the full 15 weeks, but also make sure you feel mentally and physically well before returning to work given your role.

The 600 hours will accumulate quickly, don't worry about that.

I had to attend meetings and felt drained feeling like I have to fake being happy. Unfortunately, my entire team knew I lost my baby (not how it happened). If I was in a constant patient-facing role, I'd definitely take more time off.

[u/Twilightchai]

I'm currently on leave for my TFMR and I put in 3 weeks, 2 weeks for physical recovery 1 for emotional recovery but I'll be honest I wish I had more time. I too am in healthcare so I knew my demanding job and burnout would not be healthy for my mental health while navigating grief. The reason I kept my leave as 3 weeks was I started to get some backlash from close friends, immediate family and even my family doctor when I tried to consider just a week longer with hearing things like "its good to get back into society" and "socializing is good for recovery". I get their point but I can't say I'm 100% ready.

[u/Tellycs → u/Twilightchai]

I don’t think we will ever be 100% ready but don’t let anyone tell you when you’re ready to return.

[u/Intelligent-Salad429 → u/Twilightchai]

I also had same comments from some of my extended family members. Truly mind blowing tbh

[u/kditty206]

I took 8 weeks after my L&D TFMR at 21 weeks. I spent every day quilting and went to therapy 2-3 times per week. I would consider taking time to heal and mentally recover. By the time I went back, I realized I needed to get out of my quilting phase, but I still wasn’t ready for work. Given your job as a nurse, I would be even more hesitant to go back. Things will be incredibly raw even at 8 weeks, but you can at least make some strides in therapy towards coping mechanisms.

[u/Intelligent-Salad429 → u/kditty206]

Thank you for your feedback. I am also in therapy a few times a week and started crocheting

[u/kditty206 → u/Intelligent-Salad429]

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I feel like early on I was in a place where I wanted to escape it, and then at about 2 weeks, the grief hit me like a ton of bricks. It was about that point that I was really glad that I wasn't at work and was able to have the space that I did.

I found that I had intense triggers that took 6-12 months to subside (hospitals, doctors offices, media about pregnancy and child loss) and got really protective about my media intake as I figured out what was safe. Some things showed up in ways I didn't anticipate (panic attacks at doctor's offices and white coat syndrome in my subsequent pregnancy), so just know that it's going to take time for your body to heal even when you're a ways down the road from this. You have a community here to support you when you need it.

[u/Tellycs]

I’m in Canada tfmr at 22 weeks in March. Took maternity leave and extended my leave an extra 3 months so 7ish months. And when I return it’s on a gradual basis.

I’m a social worker and I was honestly to mentally not ok to do my work. I mean I think I may have been able to it’s just I wouldn’t have been able to care for myself too. My oxygen mask really needed to be on first.

[u/GrowOrLetItGo]

I was a step down nurse when I had my TFMR also at 22 weeks. I took 4 weeks off total. I had some tearing during delivery so was still sore when I returned to work but found the physical discomfort manageable. Emotionally it was extremely difficult but I don’t think staying home would have helped me either. Going to work got me out of my own head a bit and made me feel like I was functional- the weeks between my TFMR and my return to work I just laid in bed all day.

[u/winniebananas]

I am also a nurse …. I took off 2 months. I felt ready to go back but really struggled. Take as long as you need x

[u/Intelligent-Salad429 → u/winniebananas]

One day I feel I can go tomorrow, another day I am completely lost and don’t feel like am going to be able to good nurse..

[u/winniebananas → u/Intelligent-Salad429]

I only went back because I felt pressured, I probably could’ve taken longer. I felt utterly traumatised and worked with 2 nurses due the same week.

I’m so sorry you’re in this club too, please take as long as you want, feel no guilt and just take the time. Look after yourself x

[u/Intelligent-Salad429 → u/winniebananas]

I guess guilt is my
Second mane now, as I feel guilty for my team, who are short staffed now because of how unexpectedly I left

[u/kcollubahsat]

I went back 2 weeks and 3 days (I am on week 3 being back now) after my TFMR at 23 weeks. I am a teacher. I feel like I am liking seeing my friends again and having other things on my mind to focus on. However, it is still hard mentally and I ams still physically recovering from my d & e. I do think that for me it was better to return rather than sit in bed crying anymore. But time will tell lol

Best of luck ❤️❤️

[u/jennythejen4]

I went back a little over 2 weeks. It was rough (I cried at HR they were understanding) but I pushed through. You do what you can.

[u/Important_Bowl1573]

I had 3 weeks off work after my L&D and one week for prior. going back to work helped me personally. It felt like life was returning to some normality it helped talking to people about other things and helped me take my mind off everything 💛

[u/Big_Night8219]

I took 4 weeks off, TFMR at 23 weeks. I wish I had taken more time off or eased back in with like half-days or something. My first week back I started bleeding again and haven’t been sleeping well with all the hormones. Plus I feel like my brain isn’t functioning properly between the grief, pain and normal mom brain. Take all the time you can!