19 week TFMR

[u/mysteria9909]

Just needing some encouragement right now. Have a beautiful healthy 3 year old already and was so excited for him to have a sibling. Got a positive NIPT test for high risk trisomy 21 at 11 weeks. Got the amino at 16 and got positive results back at 18 along with some other concerns. News was hard. Don’t have the condition in the family and doctors said it wasn’t genetic just an anomaly.

Why my baby, you know? Husband wants to try again and even with the doctors reassurance I still worry.
How long does it take to start trying again?

We told people about this pregnancy so feels embarrassing because what do I even say? It’s not their business of course but it just feels weird… idk.

Thanks for reading and for words of encouragement.

[u/_wunderbarbara]

Hi, I am so sorry for your loss ❤️🫂
When TTC again is a highly individual decision to make. We started right away after our TFMR in February. Also T21. I am turning 35 soon and did not want to “lose” more time. But if I hadn’t felt emotionally stable enough I would have waited longer until TTC because it is mentally very challenging.

We told some close friends and the “inner circle” of our family about the TFMR. Unfortunately, many people simply don’t know how to handle a situation like this. I have been left feeling completely let down by almost everyone especially my family—in fact, by everyone except for two very close friends. No one talks about it anymore, and all I ever heard was, "Let us know if you need anything." It’s a very lonely experience, even though we did tell our family about it. I truly hope that you have people around you who react differently ❤️

Sending you a big hug 🫂❤️

[u/mysteria9909 → u/_wunderbarbara]

Thank you so much. We do have a good support system that completely understood and supported my decision. Of course it’s always that one or two family members that said I should just “pray away” my babies disorders, where is my faith in god, and he would be healthy. I could do nothing but laugh as it’s always those that would do no supporting at all that have the most to say.

[u/lavidaisgood]

It’s like as if I wrote this myself, exact same position and just had it at 19 weeks 4 days ago

[u/mysteria9909 → u/lavidaisgood]

Sending you so much love, my procedure is tomorrow ironically the day I turn 19 weeks. Heart breaking but I know this is the right decision for everyone. Just with what we were told, I don’t want my baby to suffer. My dad told me “there are things worst than death” and atleast we were told early enough where we had the choice to terminate.

[u/lavidaisgood → u/mysteria9909]

Wishing the same to you. Mine also happened the day we turned 19 weeks. We debated on the decision and weighed the pros and cons, at the end decided that this choice would be the right one even though none of the choices were easy. Stay strong!

[u/Muted_Badger471]

I’m so sorry you’re here. I lost my first and only baby in July for T21 and I can relate. We never told anyone I was pregnant because we received the high risk NIPT at 12 weeks, and from there the news just continued to get worse, so we were very cautious and also very worried we would lose her early on. I wish I had shared the news with others because of the way I feel now; it sometimes feels like my baby didn’t exist because my family and friends didn’t know about my pregnancy, and on top of that, and that also don’t know we had to do a tfmr. It’s a very isolating and lonely place to be. To the people I have told about my pregnancy, i just say I had a pregnancy loss or I lost the baby and they don’t ask anymore questions after that. Sending you hugs in the days to come. ❤️‍🩹

[u/mysteria9909 → u/Muted_Badger471]

Sending you so much love back as well, and hope for mental health is doing well. I told my husband I don’t even want to tell people I’m pregnant until after the NIPT test for our rainbow baby. It really is nerve racking. Doctors keep saying it’s a 99% chance it won’t happen again, but hey, i thought the same thing going into this 2nd pregnancy. Either way, just trying to be positive about it all and grateful I had the time I did with my baby… he took me through hell 1st trimester 😂 but I’m grateful for it all now.

[u/C54g1]

Sending you the biggest hug. I completely understand how you feel — I had my TFMR 20 days ago due to T21. It has been the hardest and loneliest time of my life in every possible way. But from reading the comments here, apparently it does get better eventually!
Only a handful of people know our full story: my mum and my three closest friends. They know about all the bad news, the uncertainty, the agonising over what to do, the research, the decision-making, and the physical and emotional suffering we went through. We haven’t told our wider family or my in-laws. We have told a few people outside our closest circle who needed to know, or who asked us directly. I have a standard response for them: I lost my baby, and we had to terminate the pregnancy because something was wrong with the baby. I don’t want to go into any more detail because it’s still incredibly painful. So far, everyone has respected that.
As for TTC, my doctor advised me to wait three months, even though there were no complications whatsoever. I don’t want to follow that advice. Partly because of my age, but also because it feels like a very generalised, non-individualised recommendation. And right now, I feel like the days are just passing by meaninglessly if I have nothing to look forward to.
I know that TTC itself, and then being pregnant again, will be incredibly anxiety-inducing, but at least I’ll feel like I have something to look forward to again…
My husband and I have decided that we’ll wait until after my first period, then have one more cycle off to see whether things have settled hormonally, and after that, we’ll start trying again. That feels right to me, both physically and emotionally.
But I think you’ll know what feels right for you, too. 🙏 Sending you so much strength and love. ❤️

[u/mysteria9909 → u/C54g1]

Sending you a virtual hug, thank you for this. I feel exactly the same way about TTC. I just want to hurry up and do it and get it out the way, ha! My goal is to have the rainbow baby by end of 2027. Gives me enough time to heal and balance out so we are more likely to be successful. Doctors told us we can try again once I have my first period so I’ll see what that looks like.