Which really surprised me, considering I can't write with either hand...

Because he couldn't resistor.

"It's just heartbreaking to see all of those faces with absolutely no hope," said one of the orphans.

Then I bought a Wireless Bra!

I asked him to help me simplify 72/21. He said he could do it 24/7 but I never heard from him again.

denim denim denim

Today, no one even raises an eyebrow.

So I said I had one about a light bulb but it wasn't the bright time...

My Aunt Shonda leered.

You use a pumpkin patch!

(courtesy of my seven-year-old kid :)

Ian

A foreclosure

Flat broke.

But I had no trouble finding Forester.

Example, how do you fix a broken pumpkin?

With a pumpkin patch.

My wife and daughter teach K-5, what are your jokes for kids this month?

When applied to drinks, "dry" means it contains no sugar or such a miniscule amount it's meaningless.

Therefore, Water, is not wet, water is dry.

But she's right. I don't give a feck.

“See that pier out there?” he says to the young guy next to him. “Built it with my own two hands. Plank by plank, in the freezing rain. But do they call me ‘McGregor the pier builder’? No. See that stone wall around the village? Built that too. Thirty years of my life. But do they call me ‘McGregor the wall builder’? No. See that church? Carved every pew myself. But do they call me ‘McGregor the church builder’? No...” He takes a long sip of his beer. “But you fuck one goat...”

...make up 75% of the population.

The wife and bachelor are attracted to each other and wish to have sex, but with the husband around, it isn't that simple. Eventually, they devise an ingenious plan. The bachelor sees a tall tree and suggests "we should take shifts sitting on that tree and lookout for passing ships. I'll take the first watch." The husband and wife agree, and relax on the beach.

A few minutes into his shift the bachelor screams, "Hey! Stop fucking!"

The couple look at each other perplexed but brush it off.

A few minutes later the bachelor screams again, "Stop fucking already!" This continues during his shift.

The next shift is taken by the wife. Now, every few minutes, she yells, "Hey, stop fucking!" The husband was thoroughly confused at this point.

The last shift is taken by the husband. As soon as he climbs the tree the bachelor and the wife start fucking.

The husband thinks to himself, "Wow! It really does look like they're fucking from up here."

Go out partying one night . They have no trouble getting into the club , all except Sadie. Having not been in the original cast she’s less known. The bouncer is not letting her through. She demands to speak to the owner. The owner comes out. He looks to the bouncer and exclaims “are you nuts?!?! This girl not is it only on the biggest thing on Netflix but she’s also Jean grey… let that sink in”

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground.

Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

It was a brutal crime and the local constables were stumped, so they called the on the brilliant detective for help.

Arriving at the scene Sherlock noticed the rig askew, the victim on the ground, a terrible wound on his head. Next to him, lay a large picture.

He also saw a bowl of almonds, a broken window and a tube of glue, all three hysterical.

"The rug says the picture is the one. The picture says he didn't do it, but we know he's the culprit; the victims finger prints are all all over it," states Lestrad. "Even so, the almonds, the window AND the glue, insist THEY did it!"

"It's elementary," announces Sherlock. "The RUG did it!"

"The picture needed to be straightened, as the victim adjusted it, the rug, in a fit of jealousy tripped him causing the heavy picture to hit him on the head, killing him."

"What about the others?" Lestrad asks.

Sherlock continues, "The almonds are nuts, the window is cracked, and the glue is crazy. The rug, Sir, is lying. The picture was framed..."

A beaver wants to start dating. He sees a nice girl online, reaches out and they agree to meet at the bar.

The beaver arrives first and orders a drink. Just then the girl arrives. He looks at her and sees the flat tail, webbed feet, brown fur and then…. Oh no, her face!

She comes over and he blurts out, “you’re a platypus!”

She seems slightly embarrassed, “well, yes, there was a picture of me on my online profile”

“Oh, I thought you were just doing duck lips for the camera.”

She sits and the bartender takes her order.

The beaver goes on, “I’m sorry, just not too many platypuses around, I mean, are you even from here?”

The platypus, now visibly upset says, “I don’t know why that is any of your dam(n) business!”

“What does my families construction company have to do with this!” And the beaver stands up and leaves.

The bartender comes over with the platypuses drink and says, “err, sorry love, but he didn’t leave any cash or a card.”

The platypus sighed, “I guess this means the bills on me”

I was in a long queue at a drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

Take the high road, I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.

Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over.

Don't honk your horn at old people.

He turned it into a bus