The wife and bachelor are attracted to each other and wish to have sex, but with the husband around, it isn't that simple. Eventually, they devise an ingenious plan. The bachelor sees a tall tree and suggests "we should take shifts sitting on that tree and lookout for passing ships. I'll take the first watch." The husband and wife agree, and relax on the beach.

A few minutes into his shift the bachelor screams, "Hey! Stop fucking!"

The couple look at each other perplexed but brush it off.

A few minutes later the bachelor screams again, "Stop fucking already!" This continues during his shift.

The next shift is taken by the wife. Now, every few minutes, she yells, "Hey, stop fucking!" The husband was thoroughly confused at this point.

The last shift is taken by the husband. As soon as he climbs the tree the bachelor and the wife start fucking.

The husband thinks to himself, "Wow! It really does look like they're fucking from up here."

During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees".

The cannibals promise.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals all shake their heads no.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the janitor?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and then you have to go and eat the fucking janitor!"

A beaver wants to start dating. He sees a nice girl online, reaches out and they agree to meet at the bar.

The beaver arrives first and orders a drink. Just then the girl arrives. He looks at her and sees the flat tail, webbed feet, brown fur and then…. Oh no, her face!

She comes over and he blurts out, “you’re a platypus!”

She seems slightly embarrassed, “well, yes, there was a picture of me on my online profile”

“Oh, I thought you were just doing duck lips for the camera.”

She sits and the bartender takes her order.

The beaver goes on, “I’m sorry, just not too many platypuses around, I mean, are you even from here?”

The platypus, now visibly upset says, “I don’t know why that is any of your dam(n) business!”

“What does my families construction company have to do with this!” And the beaver stands up and leaves.

The bartender comes over with the platypuses drink and says, “err, sorry love, but he didn’t leave any cash or a card.”

The platypus sighed, “I guess this means the bills on me”

"It's just heartbreaking to see all of those faces with absolutely no hope," said one of the orphans.

Because he couldn't resistor.

I was in a long queue at a drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

Take the high road, I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.

Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over.

Don't honk your horn at old people.

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground.

Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

“See that pier out there?” he says to the young guy next to him. “Built it with my own two hands. Plank by plank, in the freezing rain. But do they call me ‘McGregor the pier builder’? No. See that stone wall around the village? Built that too. Thirty years of my life. But do they call me ‘McGregor the wall builder’? No. See that church? Carved every pew myself. But do they call me ‘McGregor the church builder’? No...” He takes a long sip of his beer. “But you fuck one goat...”

You use a pumpkin patch!

(courtesy of my seven-year-old kid :)

Today, no one even raises an eyebrow.

Then I bought a Wireless Bra!

but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot"

Ian

Halfway through dinner, a small fart slips out.
The hostess looks at the dog next to his chair and snaps, "Spot!"
Relief. The dog takes the blame.
Another one slips out. "Spot!"
Now he's confident. He leans back and lets a huge one rip.
The hostess screams, "SPOT! Get away from him before he shits on you!"

It was a brutal crime and the local constables were stumped, so they called the on the brilliant detective for help.

Arriving at the scene Sherlock noticed the rig askew, the victim on the ground, a terrible wound on his head. Next to him, lay a large picture.

He also saw a bowl of almonds, a broken window and a tube of glue, all three hysterical.

"The rug says the picture is the one. The picture says he didn't do it, but we know he's the culprit; the victims finger prints are all all over it," states Lestrad. "Even so, the almonds, the window AND the glue, insist THEY did it!"

"It's elementary," announces Sherlock. "The RUG did it!"

"The picture needed to be straightened, as the victim adjusted it, the rug, in a fit of jealousy tripped him causing the heavy picture to hit him on the head, killing him."

"What about the others?" Lestrad asks.

Sherlock continues, "The almonds are nuts, the window is cracked, and the glue is crazy. The rug, Sir, is lying. The picture was framed..."

I asked him to help me simplify 72/21. He said he could do it 24/7 but I never heard from him again.

...make up 75% of the population.

Which really surprised me, considering I can't write with either hand...

Someone asked a man of considerable age what his secret was

He said: I once sucked a dick for a watch.

No, what’s your secret to living so long?

Oh he said, fruits and vegetables.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cab driver says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cab Driver: "Frank Feldman. He was the perfect man!"

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cab Driver: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

Cab Driver: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right every single time.”

Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"

Cab Driver: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.

He would never argue with her even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.

He really was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "How did you meet him?"

Cab Driver: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."

Flat broke.

Everyone asked a 100-year-old man and his 98-year-old wife for their health secrets.

The old man said: "I'll tell you my secret. I've been married for 75 years. I promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometres.

So I've been walking 5 kilometres every day for the past 75 years!"

Everyone applauded and wondered aloud, "But how come your wife is just as healthy?"

The old man answered: "This is her secret. For 75 years, every single day, she has been following me to make sure I really walk the full 5 kilometres!"

He sleeps in perfect cemetery.

Most of the time, she was sleeping during class. One day, while she was napping, the teacher, a nun, asked her: "Tell me Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't answer, little Johnny, her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and poked her in the side to wake her up. "God Almighty!" Mary screamed. "Very good!" the nun said and continued the lesson. A little later, the nun asked Mary: "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But little Mary was already napping again. And once more, Johnny saved her by poking her in the butt with his pencil. "Jesus Christ!!!" Mary screamed. Again, the nun complimented Mary, who immediately drifted back into her dreams. For the third time, the nun asked her a question: "What did Eve say to Adam after she gave birth to their 21st child?" Johnny came to the rescue again, but this time Mary jumped up and yelled: "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'm going to break it in half!!!" Then the nun fainted...

The first prisoner said: ‘I’m Gavin, and I’m in for murder.’

The others nodded approvingly and patted him on the back for having the courage to speak up.

The second said: ‘I’m Pete, and I’m in for armed robbery.’

Again the others congratulated him for being brave enough to admit to his crimes.

The third said: ‘I’m Dennis, but I’m not telling you what I’m in for.’

The group leader intervened.

‘You must,’ he said. ‘It’s the only way you'll progress.’

‘All right, then,’ said Dennis. ‘I’m in for screwing dogs.’

‘That’s disgusting!’ shouted the others. ‘How low can you go?’

‘Chihuahuas,’ replied Dennis.