r/WouldIBeTheAhole • u/FrameComfortable8466 • 10h ago
WIBTAH — If I Stopped Doing the “New Holiday Tradition”?
For the past few Christmases, my husband and I have put together holiday baskets with homemade (and some store bought) goodies for our families. Each household receives a basket…they get mailed all over the country. The costs to make / mail these has grown exponentially over the past few years. For me, the fun and excitement of making thoughtful gifts is no longer there; the project typically is one I mostly handle alone with the exception of the few things my husband contributes. Last year, he griped about how much the shelf-stable additions cost him…an expense he was fine with until I made him pay for them himself.
This year, I don’t want to do them. They’re not fun for me anymore. They are expensive to make and mail. Money is tight with medical expenses and the general cost of life right now. Those are the more “socially acceptable” reasons for backing off this year.
The other reasons are a little more personal…basically, the return on investment is very little. I am a firm believer that it is “the thought that counts.” I always have been. When i say the return is minimal, I mean this: My husband’s family thanks him directly, and I might get an acknowledgment. I am the one who puts in 85%-90% of the effort to build them. In addition to gifts, they receive their baskets. One year, I received a pair of socks, a mug, and some little tchotchke to clean my windshield. I watched everyone else open more useful, practical, and thoughtful items. It was made abundantly clear that I was an afterthought (hubs and I have been together for 10 years). With my family in particular, I don’t even really get a thank you. Hell, half the time no one even tells me they arrived.
Now we have reached the point where these baskets are, well, expected. They are no longer thoughtful gifts…they now come with dietary instructions, preferences, and recommendations for contents. So I ask…WIBTAH if I didn’t make them this year?
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u/One-Local-7074 7h ago
“In lieu of baskets, this year and going forward, we adopted an angel from the angel tree in your honor.”
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u/THOUGHTCOPS 7h ago
A donation was made to the "Human Fund" in lieu of baskets.
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u/old217 7h ago
Just what I was going to suggest. I stopped gifting to family after never even getting an acknowledgement of the gift and started adopting angels. More to the true meaning of Christmas.
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u/sybersam6 6h ago
Excellent. DH can tell them that time & costs rose steeply and you were primarily the maker & payer but you had to pull him in to help pay last year so he decided that's it & he will send a card & put $$$ into charity instead.
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u/pepinjay 6h ago
I wouldn't tell them any of this. Just that a donation was made this year is all they need to know.
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u/ElectricalFocus560 4h ago
I love this
There are even charities where you can donate socks to the homeless2
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u/YakCertain5472 10h ago
LOL People got some nerve giving you instructions for the gift baskets! Especially after not acknowledging you and your efforts.
Just stop. Or if you want to phase it out after this year, give everyone a mug and some gum. Not pre-chewed. After all it is a gift.
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u/Mysterious-Kale-4842 9h ago
FR when I read that part I clutched my (non-existent) pearls! The audacity!!
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u/Ginger630 10h ago
NTA! I’d stop making them this year and next year and the year after, etc…
If your husband wants baskets for his family, HE can make them. I’d give back that same energy and buy everyone socks and a mug. Be cheap.
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u/yodaboy209 8h ago
The mug should be the basket. Put a pair of socks in, garnish with a candy cane, done.
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u/Ok-Comparison-9835 9h ago
Mugs for all!
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u/Ginger630 9h ago
It should be mugs from goodwill or something.
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u/Silvergirl5290 9h ago
I have found some really great mugs at Dollar Tree. Some of them are soup mugs that hold 20 to 24 oz.
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u/Fioreborn 9h ago
YWNBTA
I used to do something similar but they were getting so expensive and out of hand.
So I cut them down. Few snacks and silly things (alongside actual Xmas present).
98% of the people who received one understood and were grateful to still get anything.
But there was one who threw a proper tantrum because they were counting on it because they regifted the whole thing, parcelling it out to various members of their own family and now they were going to have to spend their own money. We are not friends anymore thankfully.
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u/888HA 9h ago
In my family, we switched to parent-child gifts only. Want to buy something for your mom or dad? Great. Gifts to your kids, Fine. Other than that, Happy Holidays, pass the gravy.
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u/Klutzy-Ad-491 8h ago
My sister suggested a "yard-sale Christmas" one year, and it was so much fun! You could only buy gifts from thrift stores and yard sales, and talk about neat stuff! Also, at the time we had a large gathering for Christmas, and it really saved money, too. Also, when you found the perfect unique gift for someone (amazing Depression glass, for example), you got to enjoy the anticipation of giving it all summer and fall! The family had tried several other things, and they never stuck.
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u/LUCAIsMyMom 7h ago
I once found this little dog statuette as a teen that looks EXACTLY like my mom’s soul dog. Bought that sucker for $2 and kept it hidden in my room until her birthday. It’s been the centerpiece decoration on her mantle for over a decade now.
Perfect thrift store finds are the best.
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u/Striking-Estate-4800 7h ago
Our family does something similar. We call it a white elephant and it involves picking something you have that you don’t need or want. As long as it’s in good condition and is still usable, it’s fair game. Each gift bringer draws a number and then numbers are drawn. Then we follow white elephant party rules.
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u/ImportantFunction833 6h ago
When I was a kid, my mom took me and my siblings to the dollar store to get each other gifts, many of which were hilarious. I was in college before I realized our funny family tradition was actually just being poor.
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u/GretchenHogarth 6h ago
For my daughter, I do “Buy Nothing” birthday and Christmas boxes. It’s stuff I get off our local FB BN group and it is always a hit. People are always giving away weird, quirky stuff: this year, daughter is getting a 1950s book on spotting foreign aircraft and how to report them to the government, and an attitude indicator for an airplane.
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u/tonna33 3h ago
I remember one year my family did a $2-3 gift limit. Granted, this was about 30+ years ago, so a little easier then. Even me, as an older teenager, loved it! There are 5 kids in our family, and at that point there were an additional 3 spouses. Growing up, we always got gifts for all of our siblings. We chose to do that instead of drawing names, because we still wanted to get everyone presents.
I think there were 2 people that didn't like it. So we never did it again.
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u/CSILalaAnn 8h ago
We do a white elephant gift exchange for my husband's family. The only ones who get gift from all are kids under 18. At 18, you go into the white elephant exchange.
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u/blmmustang47 9h ago
My husband and I have been trying to get his family to go this route for YEARS. Especially because we're not close and don't know what people would want anyway.
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u/SuperDump101 7h ago
My family had a gift giving matrix and a price limit. Each year you were randomly assigned a relative (be it adult or child), given their list and the budget - usually less than $100. You never bought for someone else and tried to stay within the limit.
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u/jeandoe2012 10h ago
NTA.
Send them some little cheap tchotchkes.
After all, it's the thought that counts, right?
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u/Regular_Look_1962 9h ago edited 9h ago
I’ve not heard the word tchotchkes before could I ask what it means please ?
Edit, thanks for all the replies I’ve learnt a new word today.
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u/jeepjinx 9h ago
Knickknacks.
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u/mthockeydad 8h ago
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $10000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $10,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
"I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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u/fryingthecat66 6h ago
That is fucking hilarious 😂
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u/upsidedown-funnel 9h ago
You’ve heard the word before. It’s pronounced chawt-skee, or similar.
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u/Informal-Gene-8777 8h ago
My husband's aunt used to be an elementary school teacher. For Christmas she would re-gift me things that her students gave me. Once she told me some frames came from World Market if I wanted to return them. When I tried I found out they were NOT, in fact, from World Market.
I would rather have received nothing.
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u/Keepin-Clam 3h ago
Don't say anything and see if they have the nerve to ask about the basket. If anyone does, just say that nobody seemed to appreciate them. Don't make excuses, tell them the truth, but only if they ask.
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u/Sabineruns 3h ago
I agree…the wording I would use would be “it didn’t seem like anyone really wanted them”…what are they going to say—I really wanted it? Why then did you not seem to show any appreciation?
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u/SafeWord9999 2h ago
Just adding to this, if they ask about the basket, I’d say you realised after several years nobody else was really doing major gifts so you’re just matching their energy. As you hand them their Christmas mug from the $2 store
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u/Comfortable-Bug1737 8h ago
Just dont bother at all. Send a mass text that they aren't happening for the foreseeable and don't explain why.
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u/Defiant-Increase6947 8h ago
Nah, don't warn them... the ones that call tip complain that they didn't get one can get the reasoning behind it. They'll probably be the ones making the dietary demands. Honestly, just stop doing it. They clearly don't appreciate everything you put into making them.
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u/Over_Detective_3756 8h ago
Don’t warn them. It’s a gift you’re talking about here, not an obligation! You could make a small treats like candies and little cookies and put them in a small box. Still thoughtful. Everyone gets it that money is tight!
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u/CommanderChaos999 5h ago
"You could make a small treats like candies and little cookies and put them in a small box."
..or "a pair of socks, a mug, and some little tchotchke to clean their windshield."
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u/maroongrad 6h ago
Nope. BETTER. "Who wants to take over and do the family baskets this year? I am not going to be able to do them. New person, I'll send you my list of ideas and suggestions."
NO ONE WILL SAY ANYTHING.
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u/atchisonmetal 4h ago
I recommend you not send ANY notification. If anyone has the poor taste to ask, then let them know why.
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u/charlienotahorse 9h ago
I'm right there with you. I do all the work and they thank him. I'm so sick of it! Earlier this year my husband's youngest niece thanked my husband profusely for a set of cookware I gave her! Right in front of me! I was seething.
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u/MeatofKings 9h ago
I’d be more angry if husband didn’t immediately correct her that it is you who should be thanked.
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u/RealHousewivesYapper 9h ago
that's what I am thinking too, the husbands are actively there. Nobody is preventing them from standing up and pointing out that it was actually the wife.
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u/tonna33 3h ago
My husband does this! "Don't thank me, she's the one that picked it all out and bought it!"
When we would thank our dad for a gift when we were growing up he'd ask "what is it?"
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u/WTF4Sally 9h ago
During Christmas and birthdays my kids have always said Thank you mom......... and Dad, because they know who does all the work lol. He never takes credit though and laughs and says yeah I'm just as surprised as you with what you got!
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u/OldWalrus2355 10h ago
Just don't send them out. Don't bring it up. If anyone asks, just say, it's apparent no one appreciates the hard work and the amount of money I do so I'm no longer doing them. That's it. No need to explain more. If they keep pestering keep repeating the same phrase. They will get the hint.
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u/Ghahnima 9h ago edited 7h ago
NTA. You don’t owe anyone who treats you as an afterthought any more of your time & money.
Tell your husband plainly that the novelty has worn off as the expense has grown higher and you are done. If he wants to continue, he is on his own & stick to it, don’t be guilted
If the family has the audacity to press you for a gift, you can tell them Oh im not doing that anymore. If they are rude enough to continue to press you tell them Oh i didn’t even know you like it, nobody ever mentioned it to me.
If they continue tell them Wow, you seem to really like this gift- why don’t you make one for us this year?
Then take all of the time and money and make a lovely basket for yourself!
Edited to fix formatting and add a word. Ty for the award lol!
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u/Alternative-Pear9096 9h ago
Oh i didn’t even know you like it, nobody ever mentioned it to me.
This is the winner of the thread.
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u/No-Bobcat-6953 7h ago
I'm curious: since they thank your husband, do they send their requests to him as well? Because if they send them to you after thanking him, that's some messed up crap.
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u/FrameComfortable8466 7h ago
Um. A bit of both, actually. One of the recipients has developed a significant list of allergies after a tick bite…
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u/roxywalker 9h ago
WNBTA to put an end to something that is both time consuming and prohibitively expensive. When you add in the lack of appreciation, coupled with entitlement, it’s a no-brainer. Christmas will still happen without all your extra effort.
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u/GanderWeather 8h ago
When people start telling you what to buy THEM for their special thoughtful holiday baskets you make and all you get is a cheap mug and pair of cheap socks you'll never wear?
Time to stop.
I have a friend who does a different version than you. She spends so much on the most thoughtful caring gifts. She's widowed. Lives with her single only child in their forties.
What's the problem with this generosity? Other than me?
Ask what she gets back from her family and her child's cousins and their kids? NADA.
She acknowledges all their birthdays and anniversaries with cash or checks she can ill afford.
No one ever just picks up a thoughtful gift that she would like. SHE never gets the hand soap she LOVES or the cute Day of the Dead dish drying pad. She never gets birthday cards and neither does her grown daughter. At most she'll get a $50 gift card to an expensive clothing boutique where that doesn't even buy a T-shirt. The rest? Nada.
We teach people how to treat us. When they don't learn? They're not your people. Blood, by marriage, or long term friendship. When it's one sided? Never reciprocated or acknowledged?
Stop. Just stop. Sounds like too much of it was coming from your labor and money anyway. My friend could take a cruise on what she wastes on her ungrateful siblings, her adult child's cousins, and their kids.
Why are you still doing holidays with them at all? For all the gifts and baskets, once the medical mess and bills are over, save that money and go away from a weekend somewhere nice or stay home and watch your own big screen TV with NO DRAMA.
They're not your people.
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u/Johnndo96 4h ago
I'd inform everyone that the gift baskets will no longer be sent every year as, not only is the cost getting prohibitive but there seems to be no appreciation for them or the effort you put into them.
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u/Just-Like-My-Opinion 3h ago
I wouldn't even inform them, unless they're giving dietary restrictions or requesting something specifically.
Just don't do them. Give shitty little trinkets or low cost gift cards, if a gift is required, but I'd just give back the negligible effort that was spent on me.
Let people ask, if they wanna be trashy about it, and when they do, simply say. "Oh those? Yeah, we're not doing those anymore. Too expensive in this economy, plus it would take me hours to make each one, and it really wasn't worth the effort."
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u/BrokeTheSimulation 9h ago
Do not make them. Do not explain why to anyone. Everyone sounds ungrateful. I’m big on giving without expecting anything in return but the way that last paragraph reads just annoyed me enough to say f them all.
NTA
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u/No-Stomach-1974 9h ago
When you stop, and they ask your husband "why did you stop sending those wonderful baskets", then he needs to say that YOU stopped making them due to rising costs, whatever you want to say, and make sure he gives you all the credit. None of this "we" stuff.
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u/GuiltyInShawshank 9h ago
You had better make sure he heaps praise for the past effort, as opposed to throwing OP under the bus! “OP didn’t want to make them anymore” or “OP thinks they’re too expensive” makes OP sound like a grinch!
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u/ConsistentAd7859 9h ago
It would be the truth. And it's not beeing a grinch, if you never get anything back. Nobody should be forced to hold up a costly tradition, if it's not apprechiated in a nice way.
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u/Nadja-19 7h ago
They’ll just blame op. Now op will be the bad guy for refusing. Husband will likely blame op anyways.
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u/CleanStatistician349 10h ago
Send photo cards instead.
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u/Cat_Lady3000 9h ago
Yes this right here. You can order them online and slap a random picture from the year on it with a cheesy holiday saying. Get them for pennies and have them mailed out for you. I would pay the extra expense for the mailing, then you really don't have to do anything at all.
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u/facelessvoid13 9h ago
When the gift becomes an expectation, it's no longer a gift. It has become a demand, which is incredibly rude.
Especially when it's not receiced gratefully, or even acknowledged.
Save your time money, energy, and sanity, and discontinue the gift baskets.
If someone demands "where's my basket?", tell them that 'the demand became unmanageable'.
Don't apologize; don't explain further. Because that's the whole truth.
You don't owe anyone an explanation, and if hubby wants to gripe, HE can do all the work. He's the one getting the credit, anyway.
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u/LAParente 9h ago
Are you me? Did I write this post?
I joyfully, gleefully, started a similar holiday tradition about 10 years ago. This year: I. AM. DONE.
The part where I might be TAH: I haven't told anyone. I'm just waiting for them to notice I exist. Which is childish, absolutely. Ideally there would be an adult conversation. But part of this whole situation is that I'm routinely excluded, and feeling very taken for granted.
So if you're the AH, so am I. I vote: NTAH.
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u/MrsRetiree2Be 8h ago
Definitely NTAH. It's amazing how what you've done only becomes appreciated when you quietly stop.
OP, YWNBTA. Just stop. If your husband wants to do it, let him. He may think you'll cave and help so stay strong.
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u/saw-not-seen 10h ago
Send out a collection of recipes with their Christmas cards so they can make their own shit
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u/kjrst9 9h ago
YWNBTA.
I wouldn't even bring up the money thing (the fact that it's expensive) because it lets them off the hook, and keeps you in the running "in case finances improve." If they had been grateful and/or reciprocal you might be willing to splurge on the gift, and they need that itch in the back of their minds. (I can relate because if I send someone a gift and don't get so much as a "thank you it arrived in the mail!" there will not be a second gift.)
I wouldn't say anything, and if anyone inquires simply say "we've decided that the baskets have run their course and we're focusing or other was to get into the holiday spirit" or something like that.
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u/IYFS88 8h ago
NTA for sure. Years ago my adult siblings and I agreed to only get gifts for each other’s kids (mostly gift cards or cash now that they’re older) and a gift for our mom. This cuts a lot of the mental headache of choosing something for adults that already buy whatever they want throughout the year. If anyone dares ask you for custom items this year, just casually say ‘sorry we’re not doing those this year’ no need to elaborate. Especially fair if they’re the ones who won’t even acknowledge your baskets which is incredibly rude.
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u/Yellowcottage1961 8h ago
NTA. Nobody in his family has ever given you any direct indication that they appreciate the baskets and the effort you make, so stop.
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u/OkSubject1876 4h ago
I'd send gift cards ad take a break this year. If they have the nerve to gripe, let them vent to each other or your spouse. Hopefully they will see the error of their ways.
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u/hidinginzion 4h ago
It's no longer a gift if it's expected. There is no satisfaction for you and the effort you've spent. You give out of the goodness of your heart.
Philosophers like Seneca also noted that while you shouldn't be angry, wisdom means adjusting future behavior—you are under no obligation to keep giving thoughtful gifts to someone who consistently disvalues them.
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u/CandacePlaysUkulele 3h ago
I've done that shopping and cooking and packing and POSTAGE and not anymore. We are retired. No one is sending boxes to us. The kids are grown. Its the end.
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u/Effective-Smile-9506 3h ago
Don’t do it. Don’t explain, don’t tell people the baskets won’t be coming.
I have stopped doing presents for my niece and nephews. They are drowning in toys to begin with, their parents never have any idea what they might like (I used to send books until they got older). I don’t even know if they received the gifts I’ve sent.
My health has taken a serious turn and pretty much anything extra is not happening any more anyway.
Honestly, I’m glad to have stopped exchanging gifts in general. At the risk of sounding like grinch, and not that I don’t appreciate people’s time and effort to give gifts, there are few things I want and I am particular about what I want. Rarely do I receive something that I will actually enjoy or use, even when we make a list of suggestions for gift exchanges.
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u/Necessary_Area518 3h ago
After years of spending hundreds on gifts for my sibling and receiving a cookie pan in return we switched to gifts for kids only. Of course, the requested gifts are all $75-300 and my kids receive inexpensive gifts, but I am slightly less bitter than if I was also getting hosed on adult gifts. NOTE: they could afford to reciprocate in a value comparable to what is requested but choose not to do so.
So, yeah, I vote that you stop the baskets AND stop gifting anyone over 25.
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u/Adelucas 9h ago
Just send a message that due to the cost of living you can't do it any more and are no longer getting gifts for anyone. I did it years ago and it was so freeing. The only one I buy for now is my sister and she always gets me good gifts as well as invites me to dinner as I'm single.
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u/supermonsterx13 10h ago
Not at all , wow !!!! A gift basket like that sounds awesome and those ungrateful relatives don't appreciate the effort you put into. Yeah it's time to stop. Or if you want to be petty find a really small basket and put a few m&Ms in it send that.
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u/Odd_Beautiful2506 10h ago
NTA. It’s very hard to learn, but it’s so much of a relief to start matching energies and putting in the same amount of effort others give to your relationship. Especially with in-laws! Gift giving is my love language, but I’ve decided the in-laws are my husbands problem. I only do for my family what they give back. It’s freeing to not be a people pleaser! Do something for yourself instead.
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u/AdKey7716 9h ago
NTA. When you stop finding the joy, it’s time to stop. If anyone asks you why, “I stopped finding the joy so I stopped”.
No other explanation is needed. They can determine their own takeaways. (Because they probably will, it’s human nature)
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u/FartyMcBooger 9h ago
Posts like this really make me appreciate my family and the people I've chosen to surround myself with.
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u/Carolann0308 9h ago
NTA Stop making the baskets.
Start sending his family long Christmas letters pointing out all the things your family has done over the last year; colonoscopies, new dishwasher etc. Make it as boring, gross and stupid as possible.
That’ll teach them to give you crappy gifts
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u/LoveYourself50 8h ago
this made me laugh out loud…colonoscopies 😂 I have an uncle that sends letters like that
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u/QuietCelery7850 9h ago
It’s so funny.
The spouse’s family always thinks the presents are from him and him alone. They don’t seem to clock that his thoughtfulness and generosity started when he became partners with his wife.
My in-law family always just thanked hubby—even the year all their presents were made by hand by me.
You’re right that it does take the joy out of it.
Money is tight for everyone (who isn’t a billionaire) right now. I personally see nothing wrong with scaling down your efforts.
Maybe a little something from Harry & David, if you still feel like gifting them all something. Or nothing at all, if that seems right.
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u/RandomPaw 9h ago
Harry and David is expensive too. Especially with shipping costs. Even if you go to Costco or Sam’s Club to avoid that and buy a bunch of their cheap (and crappy) gift baskets or towers or whatever they call them you still have to pay to mail them and expend the effort to take them to the post office.
Even the popular mug suggestion costs to package and mail.
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u/Life_Temperature2506 9h ago
YWNBTA. And I don't think a word needs to be said or a guilty feeling felt.
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u/SimilarAd6399 9h ago
Send each family a holiday card from a box of store bought cards wishing them a happy holiday. Just sign your names. That way it doesn't look like you've forgotten their basket. Next year don't even send a card.
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u/BicyclingBabe 8h ago
NTA. A gift should be a fun thing to give, not something that's laborious and entitled. Anyone that's disappointed can review their life choices. You have a lot going on. Also, you deserve more from your husband in my opinion.
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u/FatboyChester 5h ago
The longer you let it go on, the harder it is to stop.
When it stops being fun and becomes a job its time to quit
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u/javlafan2 5h ago
Buy as many nice real beeswax candles that you will need to give each of them two nicely wrapped Christmas candles. Say nothing. If asked just say hubby didn't want to do the gourmet packages anymore.
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u/Ok_Wtch2183 3h ago
Let everyone know you are not gifting anymore and that you are going to donate to the food bank or “adopting” a family in need for christmas. This is a win-win for you, you get to do something incredibly helpful for families in need and don’t have to make the baskets. If anyone makes a fuss just tell them you are prioritizing those in need.
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u/Grump_Curmudgeon 3h ago
YWNBTA
If anyone mentions it, look surprised and say "Oh, I stopped. Nobody really seemed to appreciate it, and it was a lot of work, like you have no idea." Lean in and conspiratorially whisper "Like, some people actually tried to give me a list of requirements. Yeah, no."
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u/Vivid-Farm6291 3h ago
Just stop, you don’t need to explain squat.
They don’t explain their lack of effort towards you so they can just sit down and shut TFU.
Your husband can step up and do it if he complains. I suspect he will complain about you not doing it but will make excuses on why he won’t.
NTA
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u/-Bake4fun 10h ago
No explanation needed, just don’t send them. Some people will call your husband and he should be coached in how to respond or he will just blame you. Some people will call you and just simply say that it costs too much time and money to send thoughtful gifts that are rarely even acknowledged. Let alone appreciated.
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u/katmcflame 10h ago
NTA. That does sound very expensive & time consuming. The postage must be terrible!
I know what it’s like to be an unappreciated in-law. Just make a donation in their name to a suitable charity instead. This is what I started doing for one particularly entitled family member. My sisters-in-law noticed
,& started doing the same. They were also tired of the lack of reciprocity.
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u/FormerlyDK 9h ago
NTA. If the recipients aren’t showing gratitude, it stops being enjoyable. Even if it wasn’t so expensive to do, the lack of gratitude is reason enough to stop.
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u/Playful-Title-2322 9h ago
Just send out a card with a short note saying that due to the economic conditions this year, you have decided to halt these baskets. Nothing more needs to be said as no one can ask for a gift. Right?
Just stop making and sending them out to ungrateful asses who are now demanding what you gift them. Crazy people.
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u/Artistic_Twin 9h ago
Change things up and make this the "transition" year. Introduce the holidays with a "family" newsletter that notifies everyone that this year you are focusing on the spirit of the season rather than the baskets. Then, if you wish, you can have hubby pick up a bunch of dollar store frames, add a handcrafted/hand printed message like "The best Christmas gift is family" and a note that you hope they enjoy bringing this out every year and looking at a family photo they've added to it from years past and send that with a card. It'll still cost you $5 to $10 per family but you can transition to something even less involved the following year.
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u/Apprehensive-Taste19 9h ago
YWNBTA
We hosted Christmas Eve for 40 family members two years in a row. Bought small gifts for everyone, set up an ornament making station for the kids, and fed everyone. Hosted multiple other family functions. Received invites from three people over two years. The others just had a great time and forgot about us. I’m not angry but I’m not pleased either. It’s like you said. It just feels like it’s expected. It’s okay. No hard feelings but not feeling like I need to do it if it isn’t feeling right.
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u/RearWindowWasher 9h ago
I’d just send a card to each person that says “A donation has been made on your behalf to _______”
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u/KBWOMAN53 9h ago
Just stop cold turkey, don't "gentle" into. I am looking forward to this year, I finally announced that the gift giving is over. What a relief, financially and mentally. Good luck.
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u/corrygan 9h ago
Send cards? Those who love you, will still be happy. Christmas is not about presents. It's about spending time with people we care for.
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u/Stonedtothegills1 9h ago
My husband worked for a large food producer and would buy products with his employee discount to make Christmas baskets for his family members. He did it for years before realizing that he barely gets a thank you so he stopped. A few years later one of them randomly mentioned how much they liked the baskets. Too bad for you!
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u/IndependentAd2419 9h ago
Wow, you have done enormous work! NTA. As you said, bow out gracefully using the medical expenses, high costs of living at the moment. Later when they expect it to resume: I just do not have that kind of energy as I aged. Best wishes to you. You have been a tremendous human being!
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u/cofffeegrrrl 9h ago
Order something small that gets shipped directly from the online shop you purchase it from. Or send cards. Do not fret for one second or explain yourself. You gave those thoughtful gifts because of who you are and because it was fun. It is no longe fun because you have changed a bit. You are no longer a person who enjoys pouring into people who give nothing back. I wouldn't argue or be snarky with your husband either. If he asks about it be light and matter-of-fact. "I am not going to do that anymore, it just isn't as fun as it used to be." And leave it at that. Let HIM fret and fuss if he wants to. Will he even say anything or remember if you don't bring it up? If he does just tell him you don't have the energy to do it.
NTA. Take some of that money and fill your own gift basket with luxurious or novel things that you would have loved to receive or the sorts of things that would make lovely gifts from someone who cared to know you deeply and anticipate what you would appreciate.
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u/Rich-Pirate-4745 9h ago
I say you wnbta but I'm so over the holidays in general myself. Too much effort, too much money, the kids are not kids anymore, appreciation is minimal if not nonexistent, more conflicts than peace - it's like chosing my own version of hell to close the year out and I am just over it.
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u/moneybagsagogo 9h ago
Not only would I stop doing it, I would advise his family that he is doing his family and you are doing your family, further I would state any and all requests, dietary restrictions and whatnot should be directed to him. Sit back and let the fun begin
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u/Constant_Yesterday16 8h ago
No. Mass email the families and explain that you’re discontinuing this “tradition” due to rising costs and you’re devoting your energy to some different projects.
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u/JoyReader0 8h ago
NTA. Simply tell everyone that you do not have the time, money or energy. No more baskets. Husband can do whatever he wants.
We had to stop hosting Christmas after husband had back surgery, for the same reason. Oddly enough, life continued. The world did not end. Your families will get over it.
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u/EveningFragrant5107 8h ago edited 8h ago
Used to do something special for the in-laws — a calendar with monthly photo collages of family and notations of birthdays and anniversaries.
It was a lot of work, made even harder by siblings-in-law not sending photos after repeated requests. And predictably, those who didn’t send anything, forcing me to use whatever I had on hand, complained the loudest that they and their kids were underrepresented. They literally flipped through all 12 pages and tallied — during gift exchange and in front of everyone.
I did it twice, then said “no more.” They got gift cards — and complained it was so impersonal. 😣
It’s not the thought that counts, but how to preserve your own equilibrium.
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u/jackman924 8h ago
Nope. And no apologies or explanations are needed other than "It's gotten too expensive for our current budget."
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u/JEL_1957 8h ago
I wouldn't bother telling them the baskets are not happening. I'm sure they'll figure it out when they receive the lovely card you send.
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u/Desperate_Help_717 7h ago
As a giving person, it's very hard to step back from your expected role, and it's amazing how quickly extra things become expected. If you want to avoid some of the unpleasantness, maybe start dropping hints you aren't feeling well. You'll get less resentment if they think you're sick, plus you'll have a built in excuse to ditch events. If you don't care about confrontation, just straight up say "it's too expensive this year, and to be honest it didn't seem very important to anyone. I had no idea people liked it so much! Nobody has bothered to thank me or show appreciation for a while now."
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u/Available-Mix9442 7h ago
I have stopped sending gifts like this. Instead I send each family a Christmas wreath that I order and pay for in September for delivery the first of December. Do it online and you never touch it.
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u/AdventureThink 7h ago
We switched to “we’ll make a donation to a charity instead of buying gifts” and it’s been that way for 20 yrs.
We buy for our family and I always buy for needy families also.
Waaaaaaaaay too much stress for no reason when you’re buying for people you never even see.
Text a fun sill Xmas pics to everyone on Xmas morning and call it a day.
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u/forevermore4315 5h ago
Just stop, you dont owe any one an excuse. Send a lovely card, Fresh Cut Paper and similar knock off are beautiful.
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u/slightofvulkaries 5h ago
For Dog's sake, just stop. You are no longer enjoying the basket gift giving. You can stop now.
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u/OkapiEli 4h ago
When you get the where’s-our-basket calls:
“Yes, we decided to go in a different direction these days. What are you all doing for the holidays? We saw Susie’s chorus concert on Thursday, and maybe we will drive out to look at the holiday lights this weekend. How about you? “
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u/MadameMonk 4h ago
Since your husband is considered the gift giver, I suppose he will be the one they look to blame for not getting one this year? You could alert him to the fact you’re not doing it, or not. You certainly don’t owe anyone an explanation. Me? I would do a teeny decorative basket of sweets. Not because they deserve it, but because giftgiving is part of my set of values and makes me happy. Don’t think about it being less than the present from some other years. And don’t think about being acknowledged for it either way. Just think of it as you being festive. Do it for yourself.
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u/ambroochia 4h ago
I have been doing something like this for a few years. At first it was fun, now it is tiresome. My plan is to say it was fun doing these, but sadly I no longer have time and so I am having to have discontinue this tradition.
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u/Pur1wise 3h ago
No need to give the ingrates a heads up about the basket. A gift is not an expectation. Let them all call you to ask when it’s coming so you can tell them that you’re surprised they called you to ask about it seeing as they only ever thank your husband if it all.
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u/Routine_Activity_186 3h ago
If your hearts not in it don’t do it.
Your gift baskets sound very nice.
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u/Tipgear 2h ago
I would just stop. They can’t even bother to let you know the item was received? Nope. Done. You shouldn’t have to explain why you stopped, and I have no idea what you should say if they ask why, but just the fact that they are sending you requests and dietary restrictions makes me angry.
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u/Leucotheasveils 2h ago
YWNBTA
If your husband wants to send baskets, he can take his turn and make and mail them, you’re done. If anyone has the nerve to ask why no baskets you can say it was husband’s turn this year and he opted to not do them this year.
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u/Youmademe_ink 9h ago
Stop making these baskets. Send gift cards.
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u/Due_River_9746 10h ago
PLEASE stop making them! In fact I see no reason for you to be giving gifts at all.
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u/Public-Willow-7943 10h ago
The holidays are stressful enough. YWNBTA.
Tough shit if family expects them. Mention to your family, and hubby mention to his family, that you can’t swing it this year, and that maybe someone else in the family can step up.
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u/Due_Scientist8092 9h ago
It's time to stop. It's ok, I'm sure they all loved getting such a thoughtful gift but you can't do it forever.
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u/Mysterious_Lie7356 9h ago
"I'm sorry, I just couldn't do it this year." No need to explain/justify/excuse. If really pressed, follow-up with "It's all just too much."
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u/wee_idjit 10h ago
YWNBTA if you stopped. You and your husband could each take responsibility for your own family's gifts. He gets his parents and sibs; you get yours. It is stressful and expensive for women to be responsible for making holidays special. If people aren't making a reciprocal effort, match their energy. Mugs for all!