I just wanted to share this somewhere so I could process. My life has always been hard. Like not impossible or debilitating, but nothing was ever just chill or easy. I am adaptable, I am flexible, I am accommodating. Blah, blah, blah. I met my husband almost 13 years ago, married for 8.5, have 2 boys, 11 and 9. I have felt incredibly frustrated, restless, and devastated about the state of the US, war, rising costs, diminishing rights, idk just fucking life right now. I try my best to hide it, I put on my make up and a smile and I wake up every morning and cry and pack lunches and nag about a million things, and give hugs and kisses and say I love yous. Always the same.

Today was different, just a long day. Kids didn't have school, we ran around town going to appointments and running errands and I just felt my battery draining. After my boys got their haircuts, I mentioned we needed to make one last stop at the grocery store for a couple of things. My 11 yo asked if he could make dinner and I was like noo its okay you need to get ready for the school week and blah blah. He insisted and whispered to little brother and they both looked at me and said they were making dinner and I just said okay cool. So we go to HEB and they split off and to get dinner groceries and I went and got the regular groceries for the week. We met up to pay and I took notes of their choices but didnt say anything. We get home, put everything away, and then they tell me to go do what I need to do while they prepared dinner. I told them I wasn't hungry quite yet and would probably eat after i tucked them in. They did their thing, I did mine, we said our goodnights, and then i went to the kitchen expecting to clean up a big mess.

Instead, I found the heart shaped grilled cheese with the post it. And started crying. My son made me one of my favorite comfort foods, cut it into a heart, and wrapped it so it would stay hot. He labeled it so my husband wouldn't eat it. On top of that the kitchen was cleaned up, dishes washed, counters wiped, floor swept. I cried some more.

How could my pre teen boys see me so well? How did they know what my heart needed? Before I did. I have never felt so loved in my life, and for the first time ever, I feel worthy of that love. The tireless effort I have put into everyday for the past 10 years showed its face to me today. Im doing good, im doing better than I had. And my boys are just incredible, empathetic, loving humans. And I couldn't be more proud.

This was from yesterday. I got carne asada fries with cotija cheese, jack cheese, cheddar cheese, guac and sour cream with an iced horchata.

Hi everyone!

To preface this, I was diagnosed with autism as a child, but my autism wasn’t considered “severe” so I was in general education.

I recently had a baby this year and stayed home for 5 months before putting her into daycare and working a job involving children. I previously only worked corporate roles, but we moved out to the suburbs and there weren’t many of those jobs around. I liked it initially because it was flexible and I could do part time or full time weeks whenever I wanted, but working with children that weren’t my own stressed me out so badly. I dreaded work every day and was desperately applying to jobs that seemed to suit me.

I came across a nonprofit role and applied despite having no prior nonprofit experience (it asked for it). I got through the HR screening, panel interview (both virtual) and the final interview (in person, involved several people). The final interview involved touring the office building. I made many comments and asked insightful questions. At the end, they sat me down with the team and they just started shooting questions at me. Usually, I get extremely anxious at this point and freeze. I shut down, but this, I felt more like myself. I got asked a question about a topic I’m VERY passionate about and started infodumping like crazy. I couldn’t really control it, but I just kept going and going. The team seemed more interested as the minutes passed and I could see them visibly relax.

Before I knew it, the interview was over, and the director of the nonprofit escorted me to my car. I was elated and then embarrassed. I was expecting a “we regret to inform you…” email days later. This morning, I got a call they cancelled the final interviews for other candidates and offered me the job. How lucky am I? I feel so so happy to finally leave this job.

It’s too early to tell anyone in real life, but I’m dying to shout it from the rooftops so y’all get the big news first!

Eating everything in sight before I get too sick to eat any of it 🤪

Cherries, raspberries, strawberries, and grapes, cucumbers with salt and vinegar seasoning and carrots, feta stuffed olives and pickles, sourdough bread with cream cheese and pepperoncini cheese, extra cheesy Cheez-Its, chicken apple sausage with two kinds of mustard, and salt potatoes doused in butter, pepper, and lemon juice (my fave part of girl dinner always 🥔)

EDIT: Thank you all so much for your kind words! I’m sorry I can’t reply to everyone but I’m reading every single comment. Love this girl dinner community ❤️❤️

just graduated from undergrad yesterday with high honors in biology and im so proud of myself + to be a black women in STEM!!! i also start my full-time research job soon at a top university with a extremely prestigious lab + i am applying to medical school this cycle and i couldn't be more grateful given that i've had a rough start to this year and i literally wanted to crash out everyday for 4 years (esp with feeling as if i didn't belong) but i'm so glad i persevered and hope that everyone gets to accomplish their dreams 🥹

cajun pasta to celebrate 😙

edit: thank you all for your wonderful comments and congratulations, it really means so much to me and i see all of them... if u all need a future ob/gyn in another 5 years (god willing) you know who to call 💕🥹

edit again: didn't think this post would blow up LMAO nbc...cnn... if you wanna... interview me...🫣

edit 3: for people questioning my where i got the 4.2% from: https://www.aauw.org/resources/article/fast-facts-woc-higher-ed/ feel free to click the hyperlink in their articles that will take you directly to the NCSES website for the statistical breakdown. wish i were lying, but facts don't lie. just because it seems unreal to YOU does not negate the fact that I & so many other black women like myself are apart of that statistic and have worked hard to get here.

Years of misery and suffering ended today with a few key strokes somewhere at a corporate office somewhere on the other side of the world. My deadname no longer exists anywhere. My job finally updated all of my accounts. He... well, he never really existed so I can’t really mourn his loss. But she…, she is me. And I’m finally alive. I apologize if this is not the correct forum. I don’t have anyone I can tell, and honestly if I did, I would be afraid to. I don’t know how to share joy without being afraid I’m hurting others.

Anyway, dinner; a pint of chunky monkey and the happiest tears I’ve ever cried.

EDIT: I wish I could reply to everyon. I have never in my life felt so much love and support. I want to thank all of you wonderful ladies for giving this girl the emotional support she so desperately needed. I hope you all have beautiful days and weeks ahead of you. 🙏🙏

Charcuterie and moonshine pickle martini

Lemme start by saying I’ve ALWAYS WANTED THIS. Two guys.

I met one at a bar, and when he got off the phone I asked if he was calling his gf or his ❄️dealer. (I don’t do drugs but I am silly.) he invited me to this party (didn’t tell me it was a party which was slightly annoying) where he introduced me to his friend in a velvet button down and cowboy hat. They asked, I said no, then said fuck it.

It was amazing. They kept telling me I was pretty, they were so respectful, it was literal a dream. Just had to celebrate. 🎉

But he was having an affair with a mutual acquaintance for months. He would take awkward photos of me for his social media so she could make fun of me behind my back. I knew something was off the minute it started.

I figured out and we split after 15 years and two kids. The divorce is going to be final soon, I live in a smaller house and I cleared all my debts. I feel free now and I don't even care what they are doing.

I'm looking forward to my future adventures

Feta fried in sesame with honey and chilli.

EDIT: Recipe. Take a block of good feta (not low fat or light), and cut it into two thinner blocks. Dredge in flour, than an egg wash (egg beaten with a bit of water) then drench in untoasted sesame seeds. Shallow fry in olive oil in med/low heat to not burn the sesame seeds. Takes about 10-15 min. Plate, top with honey and chilli crisp (if you like). Eat with bread, or as I do a fork!

Dinner was a prime rib english roast 🥰

I didn't want an engagement ring. I have kosmemophobia so while I can appreciate jewelry from afar, I unfortunately cannot wear it myself. My now fiancée was then tasked to do something thoughtful that didn't include a ring, and I could tell he was nervous about it.

Our typical Sunday dinner is a prime rib roast at our local Scottish Pub. We met at this Pub, we went on our first date here, and we frequent it for their Sunday roasts.

When dinner came out, it was on this beautiful plate. I asked the bartender "did you get new plates?" To which my fiancée responded "no, that's yours" and then popped the question. It was a Le Creuset serving tray that matched a Dutch oven he had gotten me prior. It was so thoughtful and I know this tray will join us for many wonderful memories ahead.

You don't need an engagement ring if you don't want one - get something that is meaningful to you and will be as resilient as your relationship.

Ladies, I apologize in advance. This whole post is gonna be like that meme of Bob with the jello.

To start, my sexual past prior to my current partner is not fantastic. For many years I totally used sex as a means to connect with people quickly (because if he fucks me he loves me, right?) which tends to not end well.

On my second date with my partner, I was ready to get jiggy with it. We made out in his car and as I started to reach for his scepter, he kindly pushed my hand away, smiled, and said “this doesn’t need to be about me yet.” He polished my pearl for an hour and I was immediately intrigued by this anomaly of a man.

I had approximately forty orgasms before I ever saw his dick for the first time about two months later. That is not an exaggeration, I started keeping track after the first five.

I can’t even describe how healing with was for my relationship with sex. We are so often conditioned through porn and other media that heterosexual sex revolves around the man’s orgasm. It starts with his arousal, and ends with his orgasm. The pleasure of the woman seems to be an accessory or an optional afterthought.

For him, that’s the whole show. He approached me today and said “Hey, this isn’t necessarily a proposition for sex but I wanted to let you know that I would like to eat you out soon. I feel like it’s been a while since I pleasured you for the sake of pleasuring you and I would like to propose that whenever you’re comfortable.”

That man explored my wilderness, full untrimmed bush, for half an hour. No penetrative sex. Just me and my pleasure.

Anyway, we’re engaged 🫶🏻

Side note: when I asked him how he got so good at eating (he had only slept with one other person before me) he winked and said “twelve years of speech therapy, baby. This tongue can do things you can’t even imagine.”

My dinner is a quinoa chicken bowl with kale, tomatoes, and avocado. His dinner is me.

EDIT: Oh my gosh I made this post and then vibed just watching the fireworks, I didn’t realize how many people responded. Thank you so much to everyone who welcomed me to Canada and shared your own stories from here and elsewhere. To those who are also hoping to get out, I hope you find yourself on the journey you want to be on.

Two years ago I saw the writing on the wall in the states and decided I wanted to move to Canada. I’m under no illusions that it’s perfect, but it could hardly get any worse. At the time I was living in a city I hated because I moved home to be near my mother during lockdown. Once things opened up again, I was very antsy to leave, and figured I could kill two birds with one stone.

I decided I wanted to go to Toronto. It was a drive away, so I wouldn’t traumatize my elderly cat too much with a flight, and was big and busy enough to make me much happier than the languid city that was boring me to death. I had friends there too.

It took two full years of getting ghosted by some employers and turned down by others. Paperwork lost. One of my cats died unexpectedly. I had a bad breakup, then a serious health scare. Setback after setback until finally I got the work permit and I just sat there staring at it, numb. So many things had gone wrong that I didn’t believe it was real. Same with the place I signed a lease on - after three failed attempts in a row, it seemed too good to be true.

And then as soon as I signed the lease, I found out there was a chance I’d lose my job in July, and I was faced with the choice to either stay where I was and hunker down to possibly apply for jobs there (financially much more responsible but a disaster for my mental health), or say screw it and go. After a few agonizing days, I said screw it. I figured that it’s the decision I would make if I weren’t feeling completely beaten down, and that this me deserves it too.

After everything, I can’t shake off the feeling that everything will go wrong. Right up until I crossed the border today I convinced myself that they were going to turn me away for some bizarre reason and everything would fall apart and I’d be stuck back where I started (it turned out that instead the guy was actually very kind). I’ve been very numb again since I got here. I hope it starts feeling real soon.

I have enough to support myself for the duration of my lease if my job does fall through, and I’m not too proud to go back to the states with my tail between my legs in a year if I need to. But I’ve decided to choose to believe that good things might possibly happen to me from now on instead, so we’re tagging this as a big win. Anyway, I’d much rather be on a job hunt with this view.

Dinner is the classic moving day floor pizza from Pizza Pizza, with garlic and pepperoni. Happy Canada Day.

Raspberries & salami/mozzarella swirls from Trader Joe’s (and my adult seltzer)

Sitting here tonight enjoying my Trader Joe’s snacks and decompressing from the absolute insanity of the last week—which included me (42F) leaving my partner (38M) behind and relocating 1,000 miles away for my job.

A little background: I spent five years with this man, with the exception of a six-month break after his infidelity. In hindsight, I probably should’ve known better than to go back. But that was also before I decided to seriously invest in therapy and start working on myself.

Over the last two years, things started falling into place for a possible relocation. I learned there was an opportunity for me to move to another state with my company. He took a voluntary severance after 10 years with his employer. For a while, it genuinely felt like the stars were aligning for us to start over somewhere new together.

Instead, the last 18 months took a very different turn.
His unemployment led him down a dark path of alcohol abuse, and increasingly, emotional abuse toward me. There was even a part of me that wondered whether he was drunk, bored, and resentful that he couldn’t just sneak off and cheat with women who might tolerate the behavior I no longer would.

Everything finally boiled over during the last month or so. I gave him an ultimatum. He chose to double down and call what he apparently thought was my bluff.

So last Thursday, I finished packing for my cross-country move, loaded up the last of my belongings, and went full no-contact.

I can still see the look on his face as I backed out of our driveway.

After a few nights staging everything out of a Motel 6, I loaded up my car and headed east.

Tonight is night #2 in my new place. Just me and my (our) dog. I spent most of last week knowing deep down that I was probably going to make this journey alone. Maybe he knew it too, considering the constant fights he suddenly seemed determined to pick—most of them while I was at work and he was at home “looking for jobs.”

And now I’m sitting here, 1,000 miles away, eating Trader Joe’s snacks in a home that is mine.

I know coming out of a long-term trauma bond and living in survival mode can do strange things to your nervous system. I think part of me is still waiting for the adrenaline to wear off and for my body to realize that we’re actually here. That there isn’t another fight coming. That I don’t have to monitor someone else’s mood tonight.

For the first time in a very long time, I only have to take care of myself and my dog.

So I guess this is my girl dinner tonight: Trader Joe’s snacks, peace and quiet, and the realization that I actually fucking did it.

Dinner: falafel plate. Are you supposed to combine everything? I always do.

Either way, I almost got expelled. I found out I was getting referred to the expulsion committee in July.
I’m in graduate school getting my MSW and my focus is in child welfare.

I got referred to the Academic Concerns Board at my school because I got fired from one internship and I quit another one. Both times, I felt unsupported in my roles as a foster care worker and intern.

I was heavily burnt out at the first internship and eventually got fired for testing positive for marijuana (I think they just wanted an excuse to fire me because most people in the office smoked). Either way, I have my medical marijuana card so I still got unemployment and life moved on.

The second organization I was placed with is extremely conservative and currently having a mass exodus of staff due to their new “statement of faith” which requires all employees to sign a statement to work there which says they believe in the teachings of Jesus, marriage is only between a man and a woman, there’s only two genders, and you don’t support abortion. So, naturally, I wanted to get the fuck out of there and I requested a new placement. My school reluctantly agreed after my professor initially told me I was “running away” from the situation and this was “my calling” in social work to work for this bigoted child welfare agency.

Me and my professor stopped getting along after this interaction and it all went downhill from there.

Because two placements went awry, my field professor referred me to the Director of Field to determine if I could stay in the program and she recommended I be “discharged” due to “unprofessional conduct and not following technical standards”. I never talked to this woman or met her in my life and she wanted to expel me because my professor said I missed meetings with my her (which is true), I vape in my car on my lunch break, and they have concerns about me completing field in general. I was informed I could not start field again until we had a hearing. The hearing was October 5 and they told me I could bring an “attorney or advisor”. That’s when it truly dawned on me I was getting expelled.

I was a paralegal in my past life before I pursued social work, so in my defense I compiled an 8 page statement with 77 exhibits that corresponded to support my position that I was justified, or at least not solely at fault, for the reasons these placements didn’t work out.

I went to the hearing and they rolled me over the coals and I fought for my life. I detailed the inaccurate dates in the referral, the butting heads with my professor all semester, the testing positive for marijuana, the bigoted agency that won’t let LGBTQIA families adopt or foster children. I argued and advocated for myself for two hours.

The hearing results came back and I am not getting expelled and I get to resume field right away. They’re going to do a registration override to get me back into my internship and I am finally getting back on track.

This was genuinely traumatizing and I don’t know how I kept on keeping on throughout the waiting period and the process of it all but I did it. And I won.

I just kept thinking of the quote, “doing it scared is just as brave”.

my fiancé helped me cum the hardest i ever had in my whole LIFE. (very detailed)

*also before y’all go crazy in the comments about “this is the bare minimum☝️🤓”… i would like to clarify i love this man and he takes really good care of me, especially in the bedroom. we get each other off quite often (like really often). this was just really intense for me. i don’t wanna see another comment like this *👍

we got home not too long ago from a double date and we had an amazing time. and for some reason, while he was in the restroom, my clothes came OFF. GONE. nowhere to be found (they can now be found in my laundry basket).

i laid face down on the bed waiting for him to come back (mind you i had nothing on but some cute mid-calf socks and they are blue with a flower pattern and i still have them on).

he walked in, saw me and immediately started kissing me on my ass cheeks. slowly, too. 🫠 fast forward - and he’s got me on my back (pillow underneath), my legs together and around his neck. and i’m feeling everything. then we get shift to doggy and we both came HARD.

that’s not even the best part.

we both clean up in the bathroom. once i’m done (he’s still in there at this point) i magically acquire my vibrator. don’t know why, i just did, okay?

he comes back in the room to find me laying on the bed. he lays next to me, starts kissing me and then i whip the thing out. he takes it from me, turns it on and starts moving it along my body.

y’all.

eventually he reached my womanhood and i’m really feeling it, and it’s just on the low setting. he slowly shifts it into my hand. i then ask him if this is what he wants me to do (i really wanted him to say yes), and he did say yes. so i used it on myself, feeling every bit of it. and it felt even better knowing he was watching me. the look on his face said it all. amazing.

and THEN. he asked if i would like to feel his fingers (yk what i mean???) and i said yes (already im very sensitive from the vibrator.)

i feel two fingers slip in. holy shit. never felt anything like that in my life. i turn the vibration on the high setting. and at this point, my ass is moaning like a ghost. he’s sweet talking to me and then HE STARTS LICKING MY NIPS YALL.

OH MY GOD.

i start to feel something. something ive never felt. my womanhood is pulsating. and i start to feel it at my core, and it spreads throughout my entire body. i’m loud. i’m saying his name. he’s holding me. kissing me. everything is as it should be.

we slow down, and i start tearing up. he holds me until it’s all over, and then immediately gets up and shoves my water in my hands, and would not leave the room to clean up until he saw that i drank some.

i love this man. guys should i marry him 😝😝😝

edit: YALL ARE SO KIND AND SWEET THANK YOU!!!
and yes we are actually getting married, we have a date for winter of this year!

Dinner from last night: pasta and lobstah with my man

My boyfriend (22m) made me (23f) squirt last night during sex, and I genuinely cannot stop thinking about it. I don't have anyone to share this with in my personal life so I'm ranting here.

We've been together for almost 6 years now, and for the first year of our relationship, I wasn't even sure a man could get my rocks off. Granted, we were both young and inexperienced, but it makes me so happy to know that we're still learning and enjoying things about each other's bodies.

I didn't even think that squirting was an actual thing women did outside of porn 💀💀💀

Anyways, we were doing our normal thing and we both got really into it. He started using his fingers in a way he never has before, and viola, I feel a sudden surge of pleasure and liquid on my legs. His reaction was so funny to me. I'm laying on the bed, completely mindless, and he goes "did you just fucking squirt?"

I sit up, mortified and confused, and he's grinning like an idiot. He then proceeded to turn the lights on and kept going, causing me to do it AGAIN. I'm a mess, and this doofus is just smiling from ear to ear.

After cleaning me up, we fell asleep together giggling about what had just happened.

Does anyone have their own experience in this department? Any questions you may have for me? I'm still a little baffled at the whole ordeal.

ETA:

My boyfriend and I have spent a lot of time learning what turns each other on and communicating about what we enjoy. This experience happened after a long time together, lots of exploration, multiple O's, and plenty of communication and encouragement between us.

Don’t forget that every experience is different. Just because something worked for me doesn’t mean it’ll work for you, and that’s nothing to feel bad about. I’m a firm believer that these kinds of experiences come from learning about your partner and their body rather than chasing a specific outcome.

It was so so much hard work and took so long but I finally finished my law degree!! I'm so glad I didn't quit when it got hard. I doubted myself a lot but it all worked out.

Got a really good grade on my thesis too, my professor liked it a lot!

Plant-based burger, chili cheese tortilla and fries

Dinner: baked Mac n cheese, brisket sandwich made by me!

I’m on mobile and I’m not sure how to link to the original post, so apologies there. Recap: I had a panic attack in the middle of a virtual panel interview with 7 C-suite executives.

After posting, they called me back to reschedule 🥲

You guys, it went so well. I reserved a meeting space at the library, brought my noise cancelling headphones (the head pressure can be soothing for me) and finished my presentation. After the presentation we broke into 1-1’s with each executive, and I had the opportunity to do mini interviews with each person. Total interview was 2.5 hours.

I felt relaxed, confident, and there’s no way it was going to be any worse than what they already saw! Every answer I gave was met with a “that’s a great response” and every question I asked was met with “wow that’s actually a great question”. The CEO and VP of OPs each asked if I was fielding any other offers, and that they’d get back to me next week when their HR specialist gets back from vacay.

Side note: you guys are the BEST. My first time posting in this community after following for a while, and I did NOT expect such a massive outpouring of kindness. It was/is so appreciated and I hope each and every one of you eats your favorite dinners tonight ☺️

Almost forgot, quick ETA: for the men who browse these posts, please stay out of my DM’s. I am a lesbian, and I do not want to know you.

I finally started E!!! I couldn't be happier or more at peace. 🏳️‍⚧️

Thank you so much for accepting me into your communities. My life started the day I put on the blush :)

Tin of tuna, mashed potatoes and herbs

I posted in here a few months ago about how I flipped out at my therapist because he said he was moving away and we would switch online instead of having sessions in person. Many of you commented that I needed serious mental health help, rightfully so. I was horribly embarrassed and felt pissed off because I was already in therapy of course. I'd suspected BPD or something similar, but I guess I was in denial about how much I was struggling and how chaotically I was acting, and how unpleasant that could be for people around me. I knew I was miserable and knew I needed help and care, but didn't see very clearly that I also needed to change and do better. I've been doing DBT for 10 months but I've ramped up the time I spend on it, increased my therapy sessions (with my lovely therapist who has been very forgiving and understanding), and went to the psychiatrist who promptly diagnosed me with BPD, gave me medication, and suggested a bunch of other resources plus a DBT group therapy to join.

Feels crazy to say this is a big win but I can honestly say I'm glad that I can now hopefully improve and change my behavior for the better, and also hopefully feel better. I don't have any drink, but cheers to that and thanks to this community for the reality check. Ultimately it's gonna help me.

EDIT: why the heck is the text above the image in the feed? Idk how to fix that lol

EDIT 2: thanks for all the lovely comments and support everyone. I'm so grateful and reading every single one of them. Off to shower and get some work done but I will read more later. I appreciate all the kind words and encouragement!!

I did it girls! After years of saving, Ive reached a big financial goal of mine… $100,000 in my 401k! 🎉

I love that this is something I have fully done myself... Not a joint savings. Not an asset my husband & I own together. Not my husband’s retirement either. Just mine & mine alone!!

Any ladies out there meet a goal or have a big finance ‘win’ like mine lately? I’d love to hear about it!

Breakfast is chilaquiles divorciados with a Biscoff coffee. 😋

Editing to say thank you all for the kind words! Im truly enjoying reading your wins and the encouragement amongst the girlies. Let’s continue to spread financial literacy as a small step towards equality!

Last September after drunkenly humiliating myself then drinking more to cope with that, I woke up with the worst hangover of my life. Ever since then I’ve put in serious effort to stay sober, and as of a couple days ago I officially hit ONE YEAR! 365 days of continuous sobriety off all mind altering substances!

This year was undoubtedly the hardest in my entire life. For context, I’m 26 years old and started abusing substances when I was 7, so I had to unlearn 18 years of bad habits. All the hard work bed rotting, crying in the shower, calling my friends in the wee hours of the morning to trauma dump, and impulsively driving off into the mountains proved to be worth it. This has been hands down the best year of my life.

The first few months sucked, like pure agony that made me question why I was even doing the whole sobriety thing, but I’m so lucky to have a community of sober people around me that motivated me to stick to it, some of them I’d even met long before either of us made the decision to get clean. I was substance free, but I felt like my life hadn’t gotten any better while actually having to confront my emotions instead of running from it all.

Then it all started to click. Nothing materially changed, I just managed to find some semblance of inner peace while losing the urges to self medicate. I think that made room in my life for things to get crazy good.

I got a new job a month ago and went on my first business trip, first solo flight, and first time trying oysters (on the company card of course). Turns out I love oysters. A few days ago I got a new car after going on three business trips back to back. A new car!!! And the windows are tinted so I won’t get sunburns on my left arm in traffic anymore!!! I don’t have a boyfriend, which I was pretty desperate for when I first started this journey, but what’s super duper cool is I don’t even particularly want one now. I’m cool just eating hella oysters by myself watching boats go by.

I didn’t really know who I was a year ago, and if I thought I did, I knew I didn’t like her all that much. For 18 years I procrastinated getting to know her, but for 367 days I’ve been nurturing that relationship while tending to the beautiful garden that’s grown around me. I’ve discovered I’m actually a great person, not to toot my own horn, but at some point it needs to be tooted! I did that! And pain and suffering aside, it was fun! Way more fun than blacking out and throwing up all over my apartment.

If anyone’s struggling with addiction, just know life can get way better if you put in a shitload of work, which may sound scary, and it is, but so is trying an oyster for the first time and going on an airplane all by yourself. I was someone who made people wonder if I was ever gonna make it. My loved ones were on edge, scared to get news about me no one wants to hear, and there were so many times I got wicked close to dying. In doing so I forced others to clean up the mess I made everywhere I went.

Now I’m the reliable friend who picks people up from the airport. I pay my bills on time, journal every night, and write a gratitude list after meditating every morning. I have a good relationship with my mom now! I still go to freaky underground techno raves and stay out til 4am sometimes, I just get to remember everything I did the next day without wishing I didn’t.

A year ago I made the best decision I ever could’ve made, one that saved my life by ending life as I knew it, starting one I actually like for once. If I can do it, anyone can!

Celebratory meatloaf with mashed potatoes and sautéed spinach (10/10)

Homemade chex mix, envy apple slices, and aged smoked gouda

Recently divorced and a friend told me he was dating… she was concerned I would be upset but I started dating less than a month after I filed (ex brought up split). Even so I was baffled. But when she told me who it was, I started laughing.

So a year and a half before we broke up my ex (who, I know, hadn’t liked me as a person for a long time), was acting even weirder than usual.

At one point I straight up asked him “are you having an affair?” his dad left his mom for his AP when he was in high school and infidelity (or even me putting makeup on to go out) was a trigger for him, so his tepid “why would you say that?” was suss for sure.

Then around the time I filed for divorce he started flipping out on me at weird times (probably because I stopped speaking to him/grey rocked him as soon as I hired an attorney). One night he started screaming at me that “someone” told him I was only with him “because he was rich”, which was and remains laughable af. He refused to say who it was until a few months later.

IT WAS A WOMAN WHO I HAD BEEN CLOSE FRIENDS WITH FOR OVER A DECADE - who, coincidentally (?) had just stopped being in touch with me a year prior. Also she was the only friend of mine he liked, and was not rude to.

This woman was playing the long game (him too?), I guess - but to know she was telling him outright lies about me and was likely at the very least engaged with him in an emotional entanglement prior to the divorce, and that I was right about his weird behavior and tepid denial of an affair, was a huge weight off of my shoulders.

May they be together forever, never inflicting their bs on anyone else.

This man was so passive unless he wanted to make me feel small, but the fact he can’t even get a girlfriend without me is probably the best part. “How did you meet?” will be awkward.

Girl dinner in part because my pretty f’ing great boyfriend and I made a really f’ing great meal last night and I did not feel like cooking.

It gets better, sad girls. It really does.

I was too nervous on the night to take a picture, so this is a picture of my homemade sticky sweet n sour cauliflower, with rice and roasted pine nuts.

So I have autism, and related to that I have Aversive ARFID. For this specific story this basically means I have a fear of vomiting, as a result of eating too much after I feel full(I am getting treatment for this currently).

I have always had really severe anxiety about eating in restaurants, especially at night time due to bad memories associated with my ARFID. I can eat in restaurants in the day no problem now, but nights are still terrifying. When I was a teenager my dad used to swap my plate with me when I was full, and he'd eat the rest. He did this bc he is greedy like me 😂. Fast forward to now, I have done this with him or my partner discreetly bc I'm ashamed of food still being on my plate even though I ate a lot.

Cut to Saturday night. It's a friend's birthday dinner, my partner is on holiday, there's no safe person for me to swap with. I decided to go as part of my recovery, and it was so scary BUT I DID IT! I ate until I was full, and then I worked up the courage to say to my friends "Hey I'm full, anyone want the rest of my chicken?" No hiding. No secretly swapping plates when people aren't looking. Just being open about it and it wasn't a big deal! I had a bit of a wobble and took 5 minutes outside for some fresh air, but when I came back in I was okay. I am so PROUD OF MYSELF!! I feel emotional typing this out. I know this might seem really silly to some of you, but I have been trying to work up to this stage for nearly a decade (I'm in my mid 20s now) and I could honestly cry.

I had Pollo Arriero and a Alcapulco mocktail 🥰 and it was so yummy!!!

Edit: thank you SO MUCH everyone, you're all so nice 🥺 I just want to add that the shame comes from being worried about people asking me about eating/monitoring me. I don't talk to my mother anymore but due to bad memories of being force fed and quite mean comments about being skinny. Varying between "you look anorexic" and "you're so skinny I hate you (as in she wishes she was my size)". She's an ass. My dad eventually got me out of there and it's been progress ever since ❤️

I finally achieved my dreams and got to peg a man for the first time on Tuesday night. I asked my boyfriend if he would be into getting pegged and he was super enthusiastic about it. I finally got everything prepared and we did it!! It was very fun. :)

Girl dinner consists of a bibimbap bowl (seasoned ground beef, white rice with furikake, cucumber salad, avocado, a little bit of shredded cheese, an egg, and sriracha).​

edit: manifesting for everyone else out there that you'll get to peg a man too I'm putting that energy out there!!!!! ✨️

Edit: The number of you that age shamed me with call it sex, not spicy sleep really? I have also been asked about the starter kit. That was just what I called it. I purchased a few things at the same time. I will add links at the bottom if I can, as to what I bought.

Second, my goal was actually just to help anyone going through this. I was feeling pretty alone in my journey. My friends were not having issues at the time. My Doctors dismissed me and my symptoms a lot. I was not good at advocating for myself, and sometimes I honestly thought I was going insane. Anyway here are the links. I also encourage anyone to check the menopause sub. That is where I found a lot of support.

First time posting, long-time lurker. I am a woman of a certain age. I went through menopause early at 45. (Shout-out to all my Gen-X rockstars that are dealing with periomen now; I promise it is better on the other side!) Things were ok for a while, but as time and age do, things started to not quite work as they should. Spicy sleep became painful, and I was diagnosed with atrophy. I went to a menopause specialist and asked for help. Here, use this cream and go home was basically all I got. Went back and said it's not working....try more. All this to say that spicy sleep was pretty much non-existent from that point on. My dear sweet husband never complained, never made me feel bad, never pressured. He hated seeing me in pain when we tried. So we had a dead bed for close to a year. I asked one night in January how he felt about it, and he said honestly, it was killing him. Because he missed us. I was determined to fix all of it, and I took to where else? Reddit for advice. After a lot of investigating, I basically bought the "fix your V@g started kit on Amazon and went to work. ( I also got a new OBGYN that actually listened to me) Lube, Kegel weights, estrogen cream ect. And after a few weeks and a lot of exercises, we tried again. And it worked finally! We slowly have been starting to have more spicy sleeps; this week was 3 times! My Husband tuned 55 in June, and of course we "celebrated" a certain way. After we were lying in bed talking, he said: "Well, you finally got to bang a senior citizen." I'm so lucky to have him as my person. Don't give up, ladies!

Last night's dinner: ricotta pesto with basil from my garden, fettuccine. Finally could sit outside because the wildfire smoke was gone for a minute!

Kegal weights

AH! Yes VM

Elrisme-Estriol-Cream