r/ArtEd • u/Ladderbabby • 2h ago
First year art teacher. I fear I may just suck at this. Long post, sorry.
For context, I became an art teacher sort of by accident. My dad was a Spanish teacher in the district I currently teach in, which is a high needs and urban. I got my art degree on a totally free ride (the only way I ever would've gotten a BFA!) and afterwards really had no idea what I'd do for steady income and insurance. I decided to bite the bullet and get my M. Ed even though my father always cautioned me against pursuing teaching. I never had any strong desire to be a teacher, but I remember my middle school art teacher so fondly that I thought I might be able to Be That for someone.
Anyways, it's the end of the 1st quarter, and I can't say I enjoy it at all. I teach PreK - 8, 2+ classes of each level, including a ceramics elective (I didn't select the elective. I'm qualified to teach it, but honestly I hate doing ceramics personally...more of a 2d artist...and our facilities have a kiln but are ultimately under equipped for full time ceramics).
I try to stay ahead, but I always feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants. I feel like my evaluation is going to be horrible and I'm terrified for PT conferences. I have some great kids, but sometimes they feel few and far between. PK-3 are mostly OK, but I can barely get a word in and kids are constantly wreaking havoc. 5th-8th is absolutely miserable. I know I'm not hallucinating; on the occasion that other adults have witnessed these classes in my room, they've been like "woah are they always that bad?" And I'm like...that was actually a good day. Yesterday, one of the "behavior ladies" (idk her title LOL) came with one of her students and she told me that the kids hated their last art teacher, and that the art teacher quit because she felt she had no admin support. She said that maybe the kids are partially projecting some of that negative residue onto me. Other teachers have implied the same. But, I honestly don't blame the kids if they don't like me. I don't sound very fun when I hear myself.
With 7th and 8th, I can't talk to the kids at all. I practically can't teach because they won't stop talking long enough for me to just explain the basics through a demo, after which I'd happily let them talk to each other while they work. That's the magic of an art studio...the conversations. Unfortunately, their conversations always happen while I'm trying to teach and they almost always involve profanities. Don't even get me started on the physical fights and the disrespect. When a 4th grader called me a "fat ho" i honestly thought it was funny and just repeated back, "i am a fat ho. Get back to work." Which definitely amused some of the students. I don't really get my feelings hurt by what they say tbh. The only thing that drives me to insanity is how FRUSTRATED i feel when i can't teach the content due to disruption.
After Tuesday's unteachable 7/8th class + a failed lockdown drill, I started crying quietly. One of my best students was lagging behind and I didn't notice. He was picking up pencils that the other kids were throwing and he patted me on the back and said he hoped my day would get better. I really didn't even hear him behind me. It meant a lot to me and I know he's one of those kids who's destined to turn out awesome, but it felt terribly embarrassing and unprofessional to let any student see me like that.
I feel that my relationship with so many of these students is just adversarial. Sometimes I get into power struggles and yell, mostly I try not to. I find myself lecturing classes about their behavior so often and I can hear how aggravating I sound. But I can't have kids constantly out of their seats slapping each other with rulers and breaking supplies for fun. There have been some occasions with upper elementary/middle where we've had genuine conversations and shared laughs, but they're few and far between. Many of the first graders proclaim, "you're the best art teacher ever!" And tell me how much they missed me when they come into class because first graders are just so loving still. But then sometimes the other kids in that class just go buck wild and the class ends with a bad report to the teacher. I always try to point out & reward the kids who do a great job.
I really hoped I'd be able to be a decent, chill teacher, but I probably seem like a total crashout. Probably because, between my crazy workload and obligations to my partner and family, I barely have any time to just Do Me. Idk if I'll be able to stay in this profession. I think it would be unfair to students. But idek what I'd be qualified to do outside of this that pays nearly as much.