https://www.reddit.com/r/GirlDinnerDiaries/comments/1whuerq/update_1_after_almost_24_years/

https://www.reddit.com/r/GirlDinnerDiaries/comments/1w3ufdf/after_almost_24_years_i_am_officially_done_being/

Dinner over the weekend. Eggplant parm.

Ladies, we are nearing the end of my saga. D-Day is 10/31/2026. I have called in some reinforcements (my brothers) to assist as I feel I need my family near me. Both are on board with things how they are.

New place has a fresh coat of paint (CertaPro Painters - highly recommend!). Professional move-in cleaning services are set for next week on Tuesday (10/27) and new furniture is being delivered on Thursday (10/29). Moving company will be here on Saturday (10/31) to remove all boxes we have packed up and deliver to new place. All utilities are set in my name only at new place. Car insurance and rental insurance obtained and ready. Phones will be switched over to a new account on Friday (10/30). Changed my address at work and payroll will be fixed as of tomorrow. All my emergency contact info has been changed to someone else (a family member I trust).

All important documents are safe and secure and no longer in the house. I brought them to my office and locked them in my desk. No one has access but me.

He still has no clue.

Because he can hardly walk, he never goes upstairs or downstairs. So, all boxes are in staging areas upstairs and downstairs. Kids are doing a great job of purging and packing. I'm the one with the most stuff, so it's been a lot on me to pack up my own stuff. I am purging as well but some things are not replaceable and cannot be tossed. I also realized - I own a lot of books. Sheesh. I gotta do better with them! LOL

He knows I am upset about something that happened last week in the home involving one of the kids. It was serious and 911 had to be called. No one was injured and everyone is safe, but when I told him what happened, he blamed our kid. For something he did and our kid experienced the fall out. They had a full on panic attack attack (which I had to help bring them down and use all my known resources to keep them calm). All emergency services were wonderful and I thanked them profusely for their help. But, seriously!?!?! That's your first thought? Not "Are they okay?" - nope. This kid was traumatized and partially still is, but dayum!

He is a narcissist. I can see clearly now and I am annoyed with myself for not seeing everything earlier. The damage to me, the kids, and his family...no wonder no one wants him in their lives. His only niece went no contact with him because of his narcissism. He wasn't like this when we first met and married. But I can tell you, a few people told me "It's about time!" and my one brother wants to bring a baseball bat with him to drive the point home. (I did decline his offer - no sense anyone going to jail over this!)

He still won't take care of himself medically. No doctor appointments as of late and he won't tell me anything that is going on with that. He started smoking. Again. Still drinking at night even though the majority of his medications warn to not mix with alcohol. I give up on that. The horse will not drink the water and honestly, I could care less.

Attorney and financial advisor still in play and are up-to-date with all matters.

My bestie is on vacation for 2 weeks (this week and next) and then I have off the first week of November to just settle in and relax.

I will update one last time in November after all the dust settles and I am officially out.

Thank you for all support!

ETA: To answer some questions:

1. He is not disabled - he drives, works, goes out, etc. He is a fully grown adult who can survive on his own. He did it before, he can do it again without me at the helm. His medical issues are his own fault (and him not taking care of himself) and this has been going on for a lot longer than I care to admit right now.

2. If he knew I was planning on leaving, he would not only make my life a living hell, he would do the same to the kids. Nope. Not going to happen. I will take the brunt of his anger, not the kids. This has nothing to do with them - it is between me and him.

3. Just a reminder that the "kids" I speak of are over the age of majority; however, one of them WORKS with him and the other is medically complicated at this time. Neither wants to live with him anymore or deal with his snide remarks, gas lighting and lack of empathy.

4. Rest assured - all accounts have been/will be updated to reflect his email, his debit card, etc. When I say I was at the helm, I am/was in charge of everything at his direction. And I blindly did all of it just to make sure bills were paid and so forth. Never again.

5. I rented a place; not sure where I want to land just yet - Cabo, North Carolina, Pennsylvania....options are endless right now!

6. Marriage, the institution itself, is off the table for any future relationships. I do not want to complicate my life anymore than it is, so dating is off the table for a long while at least. The door is closed but not locked. I need me time and time with my kids to heal.

7. He's motivated by money (I'll explain at another time) so by paying my half of what I owe will keep him in check. If he choose to blow it all on his vices, then so be it. Not my concern.

8. This will probably take him down several notches and again, not my concern. His life, his choice. I'm no longer emotionally or mentally invested in him - I am tired. I am done.

Dinner is homemade pork tonkatsu ramen. Absolutely delicious.
Now! Before anyone gets concerned, I’m an aspiring author. 😂
My husband just finished reading my manuscript, which I’ve spent the last two years writing and editing.

This man almost NEVER cries. In all the years I’ve known him, I’ve only seen him cry at funerals and when his childhood dog died.
Today, he texted me to tell me I’d made him cry THREE TIMES.

And I am absolutely fucking delighted.
I made this man emotionally attached to people who DON’T EVEN EXIST.

Whether I ever get published or not, this is a win.

These are my bf’s childhood friends, they’ve known eachother since they were in diapers. The issue is they are sexist, misogynistic, and some are racist (which is ironic bc my partner is a minority). That’s why I say “ruined” with sarcasm.

I know “birds of a feather,” but genuinely my bf has grown apart from them over recent years, to the point when we all lived in the same city, he never really wanted to go out with them because he knew the jokes they’d make and all they would do is drink and smoke at some bar talking (badly) about women in their lives.

My partner told me he didn’t like these “hangouts” when we got together and quickly after we moved in together, he lost all interest in meeting them.

For context, I work for various nonprofits supporting human rights, civil rights, immigrant rights. And I’m very passionate about my beliefs. However, I typically don’t confront people that aren’t in my friend circle, i.e. if we’re all out together I won’t interrupt their jokes with my lecturing.

Since getting together with me, my partner is now working for a civil rights nonprofit too, and has been going to rallies with me, and has really educated himself on social issues and I consider him a strong advocate and ally now. Not that he wasn’t before, he just wasn’t as educated or active.

We also moved states a few months ago, and eventually a couple of them moved to this same state. Today, the rest are visiting and originally said they wanted to meet up with us.

Well tonight, finally, they basically told him they don’t want me coming because they know they won’t be able to talk how they want or make the “jokes” they want.
(which is funny because I actually like dark humor jokes, when they are that - jokes. But I don’t think they’re joking).

I’m sure part of them come from a situation that happened last week - when his “friend” said Jane Doe from the Cornell 7 case basically should’ve “expected it” being at a fraternity by herself and getting drunk. My partner got livid, fought with him, called him sexist, and they eventually stopped talking. But not before his friend said my partner is brainwashed because “he’s with me now.” Which is just not true, my partner was simply raised right.

My partner basically told them to kick rocks and he won’t be meeting them. I doubt they’ll keep inviting him out.

Part of me feels badly for driving a wedge in their friendships, but also I’ve never told my partner he can’t be friends with them or hang out with them. He just grew up, and they didn’t. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Dinner is fresh passionfruit we grew in our garden! 🪴

Egg sando style everything bagels

This is probably going to be a long, all over the place rant but I just need to get it off my chest because it’s been a few days and I’m STILL crying over it. I know I’m pregnant and hormonal and whatever lol but I’m genuinely just so sad.

So originally, I didn’t even really want a baby shower. Both my family and my husband’s family live all over the country and even in other countries, so I already knew the family turnout would be pretty small. But my husband’s mom really wanted us to have one since this is her first grandbaby (lol), so I figured why not? What’s the harm? She also contributed a decent amount financially, so it wasn’t like everything was completely on me.
Well, the whole thing ended up being miserable.

I feel like I did pretty much everything myself. Planning, organizing, cooking, baking, getting everything together, all of it. I really didn’t get much help with decorations or even the money for them until the very last minute. My husband couldn’t really be involved in the planning either because he’s been working so much lately so he can take a few months off when the baby gets here, which I completely understand and appreciate.

But what makes it even more frustrating is that SO many people were asking me about having a baby shower in the first place. Originally, almost 40 people (if not more) said they were coming. Wanna know how many actually showed up? Maybe 15. And about 8 of those were my family.

I spent SO much time cooking and baking everything, not to mention the amount of money spent on food, decorations, and everything else, just for people to either cancel last minute or not show up at all. I genuinely felt so stupid and pathetic standing there looking at all the food I made for people who couldn’t even bother to come.
And then a couple of the people who DID show up honestly just irritated me even more.

One person had been asking me about my baby shower pretty much since I found out I was pregnant (I’m 34 weeks now). She kept talking about how excited she was for all the food and even joking about bringing to-go containers because I’m pretty well known among people I know for my cooking and baking. Well, she showed up, ate a ton of food, and didn’t even bring a single gift or anything. And I KNOW that probably sounds ungrateful or like I’m just expecting gifts from everyone, but that’s genuinely not even the point. It just felt weird to me? Like you were so excited about coming and eating all this food I spent days making, but that was it?

Then someone else brought me a literal trash bag with maybe 5 crumpled-up toddler diapers and a couple of absolutely beat-up, dirty, destroyed boxes of random baby stuff like diaper rash cream. I’m not exaggerating when I say everything looked like it had been sitting at the bottom of someone’s closet for years lol. I genuinely didn’t even know what to say.

And barely anyone bought anything from my registry either. Which again, I know gifts aren’t everything, and I’m grateful for the people who did show up and genuinely wanted to celebrate our baby. But I just can’t help feeling so disappointed by the entire experience.

I didn’t even WANT a baby shower to begin with. I only did it because everyone else seemed to want one so badly, and somehow I ended up being the one putting in all the time, effort, stress, and money just to feel completely let down.

This is my first pregnancy and, if I’m being completely honest, I’ve genuinely hated pretty much all of it. Not my baby, obviously. I already love her so much. But the actual experience of being pregnant has been so lonely and stressful. I feel like I’ve been walked all over, like everyone has their own expectations and opinions about everything, and somehow what I actually want or how I feel doesn’t matter.

I think the baby shower was just the cherry on top of everything I’ve been feeling for months.

It’s been days and I still randomly start crying thinking about it. I know it’s probably stupid and there are bigger things to worry about, but I’m just so hurt and disappointed. I wish I would’ve trusted my gut and skipped the whole thing.

Pickle milkshake and buffalo wings at Epcot.

My wife and I were just enjoying our evening after a rough day at work at Epcot and we decided to go ride the Guardians of the Galaxy ride. The ride ended up breaking down and we were hungry so we left the line to go get something to eat (picture above lol).

As we were leaving the line a group of like six or seven grown ass men in their like mid-thirties started literally yelling “THEY THEM THEY THEM”, and laughing and pointing at me and my wife. Like yall I’m pre-HRT, I’m 6’-2”, I know I don’t pass amazingly if at all yet, but just between all the shit I see online and getting verbally harassed like this in public what seems to be more commonly now it drives me insane.

I don’t even know what’s best to do: do I say something, do I just let them be assholes and walk away, should I have bothered to report them to someone?

What’s so crazy is that they are doing this at Disney of all places like yall you’re around a bunch of kids what kind of lesson are you trying to set for them? They clearly aren’t Disney fans enough to know what Thumper would say on the matter🙄🐰

My Hut Box from Pizza Hut; pepperoni and sausage personal pan and spicy garlic wings

I'll keep it short and sweet but I went over to his house on Friday and we had sex, ya know the usual. He had me in prone (I'm realizing he really likes that position) and while we were having sex he leaned over me and pinned my hand down and started like, sucking/biting on my earlobe. Idk what it was, but the sensation of him doing that + plus the feeling of his heavy breathing on my ear/neck just drove me INSANE. It was the most intense feeling everrrr and even at one point when he stopped actively thrusting in me, just that sensation alone was enough to keep me going. Before I knew it the tears were flowing and I was gripping tf out of them bedsheets.

Shit was crazy. I kept turning my head away because the feeling was actually tooooo good; and everytime I turned my head he'd just do it to the other ear. My nose ring came out in the process. If you're having trouble orgasming from penetration or can't have penetrative sex maybe give this a go with ur partner! Especially if you love neck kisses.

Also while making this post he texted me asking me to come over, have a lovely night ladies 🤪

Hi. I feel very emotional writing this. I’m 21 years old, and I’m an actress. I graduated in theater college, and since I was very little, I loved wearing costumes, acting, and becoming characters. That was always my true passion.

When I graduated, I really wanted to start in musical theater. But I faced some challenges, I realized only my graduation wouldn’t be enough to get me through auditions, I would need more specializations. And I didn’t have time for that. I needed to work soon, I really wanted to start earning money to help my mom.

So I discovered a new field: Party princess. I searched all about it, and I fell in love with the idea. It wouldn’t be musical theater, but I would be able to act, sing, dance, and make children’s birthday a very special day. It sounded perfect. So I quickly started working for it. I got in touch with all companies in my region, but it was a slow process. Since I didn’t have any pictures as a princess yet, it was very hard to get my first opportunity.

But I did. One random day, a company that had never answered my texts got in touch with me, offering me an opportunity to play Anna from Frozen. I was over the moon. I accepted, and it was even more magical than I expected. I felt like I found myself, I found where I was always meant to be. I was so, so happy. I played Anna on a Sunday (10/04), and the company boss told me she would pay me on Tuesday. Tuesday came, she said she would pay on Wednesday. Wednesday came, she said she would pay on Thursday. Friday came…she said she would pay on Saturday and offered me another job, to play Zoey from kpop demon hunters.

I accepted the Zoey role, and said: “Alright, but please, after I play Zoey, can you pay me both the jobs? Zoey and Anna?” She said yes of course.

I played Zoey. The next day she paid me…but only for her. I thanked her and reminded her please to not forget Anna. She said of course she would pay me until Friday. To this point, I was being very very cautious and polite when asking for my money. Because I wanted to create a good impression and build my career, you know? I didn’t want to cause any problems.

Friday came. She didn’t pay me, and offered another job, to play Gothel. I said yes, but again, please, if she could pay me for Anna. Again she said she would.
I played Gothel this Saturday. On Monday, I sent her an audio message. I was tired of typing and not being listened. I was very honest, I asked her please, if she could pay me for Anna and Gothel, that I really loved working with her but I needed my money to organize my finances. I practically begged her. It feels so humiliating.

She answered, again, saying of course she would pay me them both, and she would do it yesterday. Yesterday, she sent me a text. But it wasn’t the payment…it was offering me another Zoey. Very tired, I didn’t accept it. How can I keep working for her like this?
I didn’t accept it and again I asked for my payments. Again I got a reassuring answer but no money.

And today I’m here, I have no idea what to do and I’m heartbroken.
This is my dream job. I finally felt I was where I was always meant to be. I finally found something that made my heart race with pure joy. And it was all opportunities in her company.

But if she doesn’t pay me…I won’t accept any more jobs from her. And she keeps offering me opportunities. But I can’t. I can’t keep working for her like this.

And if I shut down her company completely…my dream is gone. It was the only one that gave me opportunities as a starter. It’s really hard to get them when you have little experience.
And if I don’t have this anymore…I’m back to stage 0. I’m back to having to talk to those other companies that never gave me opportunities and I have no idea if they ever will.

I was so happy with the jobs I did, so overjoyed, feeling like I finally achieved this dream. Finally I did it, and she kept offering me jobs so I could keep doing it and being happy like I always dreamed. I finally felt like I achieved it, after working so hard, after being ignored by so many companies…only for it to end, if I really have to cut her off.

Tomorrow, I’ll send her a final text. More serious, less cute as I always tried to be. One last time I’ll ask for my payments. And if I don’t get them even so…then I won’t work for her anymore. And there goes my dream. It felt like it was finally in my hands and now it’s slipping away.

I’m crying as I write this. I’m sorry if I sound like I’m exaggerating. But I’m so heartbroken. I can’t explain how overjoyed I felt when I played the characters I did. The joy I felt, thinking I finally had the job of my dreams. And now suddenly there’s a very high possibility I’ll be back to having nothing. After finally thinking I made it.

I’m really, really sad. And I don’t know what to do. I’ll send her that last message tomorrow. And that’s it…if it doesn’t work, all goes down the drain. 😞

Repost bc I forgot to censor.

Photo is pastizzi, 2 with ricotta and 1 with peas from a past holiday in Malta. If you're ever on holiday in Malta do yourself a favor and buy them. They're HEAVENLY. I still think about them on a daily basis

I (23F) posted a picture on the toastme subreddit a few days ago to celebrate the fact that after a drunk driver killed my whole family and paralyzed me 17 months ago, I finally got my masters 15 months after originally planned.

I got A LOT of kind comments, some even made me tear up, and it got thousands of upvotes too. But what I also got was HUNDREDS of messages from men "joking" about wanting to rape me , saying that they'll go down on me just because I can't run away. It's absolutely disgusting and I'm sure many women go through the same harassment on the daily. Sometimes I really really really hate men.

This is also not the first time this happened. A few months ago I was at a party and an older guy (he was probably 50 years old) came up to me and told me, word for word "hey hot wheels, if I were to start kissing you would it turn you on that you can't run away.

Edit to add: it also really doesn't help with the influx of OF pages on insta of AI wheelchair girls and all the posts are the same "you should do me bc I can't run away" . I've seen at least one of those account with HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of followers. It's so concerning how so many people can't tell it's ai 🤦‍♀️

UPDATE: What I'm getting from the comments is that everyone is ready for a change. A revolution. A community! And for everyone suggesting FIRE or saving money or making more money, I'm not looking for a solution for myself or for individuals. I want ALL of us, everywhere, to have quality of life. I want people to have free time. And rest. I want those of you with children to have help, childcare, a dozen aunties and uncles in the neighborhood. I want all of us to be able to go to the doctor. I don't know what the solution is, but start talking to your neighbors. Have coffee on your porch and offer to walk their dog, and borrow a cup of sugar even if you don't need one. Cause the only way we're getting through this is by investing in our communities and taking care of each other. ✊🏽❤️‍🩹

Original post:

My husband and I don't have kids (mid 40s), and we're doing ok financially (probably because we don't have kids), but I am so burned out by the constant, never ending, get-up-work-dinner-chores-go-to-bed-do-it-all-over-again of life. So we started looking at our daily expenses and trying to reduce these so we could work less. It works somewhat, and you find creative ways of cutting costs everywhere. But you know, when it comes down to it, you can't get rid of health insurance expenses, utility expenses, and transportation expenses. So does that mean we'll be working forever? 😭 Some days it just feels so dismal.

We're super involved with our community, our garden, our pets, we volunteer, foster, do social things with friends. But some days I feel like I need unhinged ideas for living in this soul sucking nightmare.

Breakfast is almond butter on an English muffin with bananas and honey. Thanks for reading.

I just keep seeing these billion dollar companies wanting to make big projects, expansions, wanting to exploit more resources from the earth, and I just wonder...don't we have enough? And I don't mean the work that needs to be done to feed everyone, to have everyone live in stable and good conditions, where no one grows up knowing hunger and has access to education, but then I think, will that matter if the earth is basically dead?

But do we really need flying cars? Do we really need to break down pieces of mangroves and step over turtles nests to build more hotels? And do we really need to cut down more ancient forests full of life to expand the cattle industry and put more cows there? Do we really need to keep poisoning our oceans and loosing our biodiversity for the sake of growth? When will it be enough? When the earth is just a few dozen monocultures of soy and some other dozen types of plants, fruits and vegetables and there is nothing left but humans, cows, pigs etc, and pets?

Idk I just would like to know what's the end goal? Why do we keep expanding and building and exploiting and mining and keep calling it development and progress? Don't the other living creatures of our planet deserve their place here? And do the rich really believe that the decimation of our planet will not come for them eventually?

Dinner was: avocado toast and hojicha latte

My meal: Leftover sausage McMuffin and the rest of my BF’s mocha frappe.

Just got off the phone with my very angry mom. My parents, especially my mom, are really strict in their values and beliefs. They care so much about their reputations that anything me or my siblings do that goes against it, they think it’s a slight towards them. Like, I confided with my cousin about things I did with my BF, and my auntie overheard and told my mom.

I was in my dorm room when my mom called me. She just started screaming about how I can’t do those things with my BF before marriage. Mind you, she likes my BF and his family. Don’t know if she still does now. And what’s hypocritical is that she hates “rumors” being spread, but then gossips everything to the rest of my aunties/other family members about it.

Now I’m being labeled terrible names by my own mom and relatives in the family GC. I feel bad for my younger siblings that still live at home. Cause when my mom gets angry, she directs her anger at literally EVERYONE. My dad sent me a text about how he’s disappointed in me too, but that my mom will eventually calm down.

Like, I recently went through something really traumatic (context in my previous GDD post), and I know I’ll never tell her about it. I know she would shame me rather than comfort me. I’m also the only daughter + eldest sibling so I’m judged more. Gosh. I hate my life.

Food: pesto pasta with mozzarella and tomatoes

On paper, my life looks great: I solo traveled around 3 continents, got my Masters from a top university by 22, moved to a new city by myself, and have a high-paying job at a competitive consulting firm. I also have a sweet boyfriend I've been with for a few months.

But in reality? I feel so lonely.

Besides my boyfriend, I feel like I have nobody. I don’t have real girl friends. I have friendly acquaintances, but I’d never be anyone’s first choice. Sometimes I’ll text girls from high school or college to ask how they’re doing or talk about life, but I often don’t get responses for days or weeks. It stresses me out to think about the future sometimes: Who would be my bridesmaids if I got engaged one day? Who would I turn to for comfort if I experience a hardship?

You can achieve all these milestones and still feel like an outsider. I’m 24 now, and I know there is probably still a way to get a group of girl friends, but I just don’t know how. It's disheartening.

For context, I am currently 23 weeks pregnant with my first (viable) baby. About 11 days ago, I went to my doctor because I had a headache that persisted for a few days, and I wanted to get it checked out to be on the safe side. My blood pressure was very high, and they sent me to the hospital across the street to get additional testing done. At the hospital, my blood pressure had regulated but my blood sugar was high AF, and they wanted to keep me overnight to help stabilize my levels (I am also diabetic). The next day, I was told everything was looking good and I would be able to go home that evening.

About 2 hours before my anticipated release, I felt a gush of liquid and immediately called the nurses. After a swab test, it tested positive for amniotic fluid- my water had broken.

Because I was so early in my pregnancy, I had to be transported to a hospital an hour away that can care for micro preemies. Every minute was agonizing, every sensation I felt would send me into a panic, worrying I was about to go into labor. At 21+6, there’s nothing doctors could do to save my baby. Thankfully, days passed and I was moved to the antepartum wing of the hospital once I was more stable. The doctors told me they wanted to keep me here as long as possible, best case scenario until the 34 week mark, sometime in January. My world was falling apart, but I felt physically OK. On top of being terrified for the wellbeing of my baby and my body being able to handle a membrane rupture so early, I worried about my job. I only started this job in February, and I don’t qualify for FMLA. My care team said I was stable enough to work from a fully remote setting in the hospital, but my job did not approve. They were only able to give me 6 weeks of unpaid leave, and that felt like no help at all since I have a mortgage to pay. I also just bought my house in June, and that was a huge hurdle on its own. If I stay pregnant for the entire 6 weeks, that puts me at 28w by the time I’m required to return to work. But there is no guarantee I’ll stay pregnant, and the hospital doesn’t want me to leave before she is born. There is a huge risk of infection, placental abruption, spontaneous delivery, etc. This hospital is an hour away from my home/work, and I wouldn’t be able to make it here ASAP in case of an emergency if I did decide to go home.

I know the right decision for my baby is to stay in the hospital, but my job isn’t accommodating to my situation, and I have a real risk of losing my house. I want so badly to give my baby the best chance of survival with all the right monitoring and resources, but I can’t neglect my financial responsibilities. It kills me to feel so helpless and both situations coming with huge risk and possible consequences. Pic of my hospital dinner (chicken, mashed potatoes and green beans) for tax. At least the food isn’t too bad here.

EDIT: the 6 weeks of unpaid leave was after I already spoke my HR team, that’s the best they could offer me unfortunately.

EDIT 2: I appreciate you all so so much for your advice and kindness. Genuinely tons of great advice I never considered, it’s so hard trying to figure it all out while still going through it. Reading through all the comments tonight & I’ll use this information as ammunition to secure our futures. Thank you 🩷

I’m not a morning person at all. I had a thing I needed to be at in the early am, and last night set an alarm for 5:30 (very early for me!).

Alarm rings and rings and rings this morning. I sleep right through it, partner wakes up. Then when I finally wake up I thrash, like comedy movie thrash, awake and send my skincare on my bedside table flying.

Partner gets up, walks to my side of the room, picks everything up and organizes it back on the table, and does so with a genuine smile and many kisses. He will not accept my profuse apologies for yanking him from sleep with all of this. He then cuddles me and tells me how lucky he is, and eventually at my insistence, ends up going back to sleep.

Can’t wait to marry this man.

I had lunch at work, almost choked on literally the last bite, one hour later I had the feeling like I was still choking, so I went to the ER, spent 3 hours there alone and finally my partner could come and get me (poor thing, he was so worried), and they let me go (I'm fine, it was just scary), and then he took me for dinner, and dinner was tagliatelle cacio e pepe, and it was delicious and I didn't choke this time

Japanese sweet potato, kimchi, shitaki mushroom, braised calabaza squash, salmon and kimchii

I 22f have been pretty lonely the past year. I recently got diagnosed with autism and it is definitely reflected in my social life. College was a bust for me. I have two girls friends and my other buddy just moved away. Meanwhile my boyfriends is all the sudden thriving. He had dinner w a friend today, will go out with one Friday and has dinner plans with another Monday. He also has a few other friends he sometimes sees. I know I cant be upset and I am trying to be happy for him but I feel really jealous. I feel like my life is just slipping away and any attempts to make friends has failed for me. I am jealous and I am lonely and I dont know what to do with those feelings.

But y'know. Make it safe and disease free. Maybe only let one or two people in on it. Preferably only my future husband, but who the fuck knows when he's gonna show up. Might as well get mine while I wait for him, right? Like who the hell is gonna mind?

Probably me. I'm gonna mind.

Feels wrong to just completely rip my long-term oriented dating profiles to shreds. They're expressive, detailed. Demure even. Like if Bender and Jessica Rabbit had a baby and let Keke Palmer raise it. I get matches all over the place, dates too, but finding your person I guess is a numbers thing and I'm tired, boss.

I approach and get hit on all the time in person and by some really hot and compatible guys that I've had to turn down because I want something slower-paced physically and intentional. But y'know what. Maybe my future husband is behind a paywall. A pussy paywall, if you will. Where maybe if I start putting out, it'll be like one of those things where people's husbands and wives started/met first as oNS or FWBs. Ridiculously wishful thinking, yeah, but I'm so sick of getting to know people and smoldered out slow burns...so I'm just romanticizing alternatives at this point.

Like I feel myself animorphing out of wanting to date intentionally, without sex. I feel myself popping off the rails of who I expected myself to be while dating. I want to give a hot stranger a lap dance this Halloween. I wanna take salacious pictures and show them off after the first date. I want to drive someone crazy with lust even if I then gotta peace out like Cinderella Usain-bolting from the ball without her Moschino heel. 'Hoe phase' might be an exaggeration.

I want to want casual. But I guess there's still a tiny nagging faerie in the shell of my ear that tells me the kind of man I might want wouldn't like someone who has done or wanted any of that. And I'm one-fourth 'you're right, girl' and three-fourths 'well he doesn't exist right now, so fuck off.'

I love myself so deeply and I just...don't feel like I care that a non-existent man would or wouldn't love me too based on whatever actions I take to enrich myself now. But my body is so used to assuming the opposite, that I keep hitting this stopgap where I don't start the next season of my life; where I'm just as sensual and sexual on the outside and socially as I am on the inside, where I've consciously reserved it for my future partner / candidates for hum.

Another one of my concerns has mostly been like...what if I meet someone who is amazing, but they're not my person long-term. Then what if I have this brainworm when my future man does come around, that he doesn't compare in some ways. Isn't it just simpler to have zero comparison? For my own peace of mind?

I don't know, is this healthy? Is switching from intentional, to casual self destructive objectively or indicative of something going wrong emotionally, mentally? I feel fine. This feels fine, just kinda frustrating. I don't know who I feel like I need permission from, but I just can't let go yet...I feel like I'm holding onto fog.

What therapist do I go to to start disconnecting love and care from sex and physical intimacy? I'm not there yet, but I can put in the elbow grease to get there probably. Do I need to complete a course? Is there a pamphlet? I need a witch to tell me what color rock will make me stop giving a damn.

I just don't know, y'all. Definitely deleting when the sunshine hits my face. If you read the ramble, cheers. Would love some insight.

Dinner is one of those basically flavorless but no less addictive Christmas cake things with Red 40 drizzled on top. They're in stores already and buying them made me nearly forget what month it was.

dinner is steak i made topped with flaky salt and garlic butter, tomato salad with olive oil and apple cider vinegar, and a glass of red wine.

i genuinely think you should have to do an IQ test to be allowed online. i was just playing a game and joined an online server that was north american. i joined it bc the european one didn’t have a lot of activity but anyway not the point.

someone on there was speaking spanish and they got berated by someone else bc “this is an american server, why are you speaking spanish and not english”. this just plain pissed me off bc some of them were already being vaguely racist and i mouthed off asking why they’re acting as if there aren’t spanish speaking countries in north america.

you guys.

I GOT CLOWNED. “no there isn’t”, “omg we speak english here, what are you on about”. i asked them wtf mexico was then and they go “hahaha dumbass that’s south america, you’re embarrassing fr.” i then say “i’m saying NORTH AMERICA the continent, not north OF america. there’s a difference between north of america in the actual US and north america the continent”…

“HAHAHAHA no there isn’t, it’s the same thing” “that’s south america, you think mexico is in north america, you’re dumb as fuck” “those countries are in south america tf are you on” “you’re acting like we’re dumb when you don’t even know this wtf” “i live here, i know what i’m talking about”

now listen. i know it’s ridiculous to let people (who probably can’t read past a third grade level) get on my damn nerves like this but i’ve been having a shitty fucking week and this just sent me over the edge in a way i can’t even explain.

how the FUCK are people so mindnumbingly stupid?? how do they put their pants on in the morning or cook their own food when they lack so many brain cells? have i woken up on an alternate plane of existence where it’s normal to be this fucking dumb? my mistake was telling them to “go google it then” because clearly these people can’t fucking read so no wonder they didn’t do it. i could almost hear the rocks that must rattle around in their brains when they shake their heads. i could almost smell the glue they must be sniffing on an hourly basis. PLEASE TELL YOUR KIDS TO PAY ATTENTION IN SCHOOL OH MY GOD.

edit: you guys are so funny and lovely and this really brought me out of my bad mood. i love this sub so much and my first time posting has been a blast, talking to you guys in the comments is really fun!! i’m also glad you guys like the look of my steak, you’re all invited to my place and i’ll make us some dinner while we all vent and gossip together 💅

An orange.

It’s hard. I’m glad our relationship ended because he was a manipulative liar and pretty abusive (emotionally and physically). However, I still feel like the ugly one, like the one that cannot and will not find love because I’m somehow idk damaged? It’s humiliating to see them together. I haven’t talked to him since I found out about the cheating. He didn’t try to talk to me either. He just left my things in front of my apartment in a trash bag. I feel so stupid. For having loved him and for feeling pain now, months later when he surely forgot about me the day we broke up. It’s very humiliating. I gave up everything for him, were together for four years and to know that he is there in the canteen with her right now (she even has the same name as me)… I feel like I will never find love and will only get used.

Anyway, thanks for reading this.

Lemon pepper wet tempeh “wings” for dinner

This weekend I overheard my husband talking about me a couple of times when he didn’t know I was listening or could hear him

The first time was when he had to stop by his work on our way out for a lunch date. He was taking a bit longer than I thought, so I ran in to pee. He was talking to a couple and I heard the woman ask,”how did you get so progressive?” And he answered that he was raised in a good family and was taught to be an accepting person. Then she asked how I grew up so progressive. (I absolutely was not raised in a good family and was actually brought up by very terrible people lol) and he just kind of chuckled and said,”she’s just extremely intelligent”

Later, we were out with another couple for the evening. The conversation naturally split into him talking to one person, and me talking to the other- two different conversations happening simultaneously but within a few feet of each other

My conversation partner stopped to clear his throat and take a sip of his drink and I heard my husband say,”yeah I grew up eating frozen Tyson chicken breasts and TV dinners everyday. She likes cooking, and she’s so good at it. She makes all kind of stuff and we’re both eating more healthy than we ever have in our lives”

Later, the conversation morphed back into a group one and we starting talking about religion, and how everyone was raised in it but me- however it’s my autistic hyper fixation so I know a lot about it, specifically the one very adjacent to the one my husband was raised in. All in the group have since deconstructed, and later when the conversation split back into twos, I hear my husband say,”I’ve learned more about the religion I was raised in and the church I was brought up in for twenty years from her. They would be weirdly evasive about certain things, and she taught me so much about the behind the scenes stuff I never knew growing up”

My husband gasses me up pretty regularly, I will admit. But something about these just very specific observations and memories and almost unintentional compliments felt so cool to me. I know my husband loves me and thinks I’m so pretty and smart and funny, and tells me so often- but seeing (or hearing, rather lol) him speak about me and how he truly feels about me through this outside, different lens made me feel pretty awesome

It’s a rare occurrence to hear someone else’s true and unfiltered opinion about you without actively eavesdropping or hearing about it second hand, and it just felt nice to know some of the stuff I felt didnt really matter actually makes a difference, and in some cases is even cherished

My mental health has been in the actual dumpster for a while, and I’ve really been hating myself. Hearing this stuff felt like a big win I wasn’t even aware I could get. I don’t have a lot of friends in real life, so I wanted to be able to vocalize it somewhere🤍

ETA: thank you for all the love! We are definitely not perfect but we are lucky to have loved every version of each other for the last twelve years🤍

I’ve also been asked for the recipe for this picture lol. Thank you! I will try my best as I just eyeball everything 😬😩

Boil one package of tempeh (pay attention, mine comes in two plastic casings for some reason🙄, so make sure you’re getting it all naked first lol) for about ten minutes- this helps take out some bitterness. Dry well, and crumble into wing-sized pieces. Toss in whatever buffalo sauce you like, and add a good couple shakes of whatever lemon pepper seasoning you have. Leave to marinate anywhere from a couple hours to even a couple days (I let it sit for a couple days to soak up more flavor)

Toss your wings in some corn starch, back into the wing sauce marinade, and then into some panko breadcrumbs. Bake or fry until golden brown

For the lemon pepper wet sauce: this is a sauce that is unique to Atlanta and is different than most lemon pepper wings, wet or dry lol

I melt a stick of butter in a sauce pot, add the juice and zest of one lemon, a few tablespoons of whatever buffalo or hot sauce you like, a dash of lemon pepper seasoning, some Slap Ya Mama, and I usually add fresh parsley but didn’t have any this time. Taste and adjust to how you like it, they’re your “wings”!

I hope that makes sense and you should come back and let me know if you try it! 🤍

How the fuck do you get over the anger of being disrespected and cheated on? I asked him to show me who he talks to on his phone and he denied. There were several valid reasons as to why I would ask for it (p.e. he had Snapchat without me knowing and had hinge while we were in fights - which I didn’t know until a friend of mine saw him on it). He never has even opened his phone next to me (only his work mobile) and I never made a deal out of it. He constantly would be sus of me and would read chats with my online gaming friends. I never asked to read his chats, only to see with whom he is speaking.

He promised I could always have a look but when I asked he denied. I asked him if he would choose to rather lose me than just showing who he talks to. Well he made his choice and of course now we are over. I don’t want to be with a man that downloads hinge an hour after a fight instead of fixing an easy problem anyway.

I am so fucking angry that this man lead me on for 1.5years while I’m 29. I did everything for him. He lied about having the same values and supposedly found out his exes cheated by going through their texts. I’m so incredibly angry that I believed this man would be different. I’m so angry he wasted my time. I’m so fucking angry he did all this stuff behind my back. I don’t ever want to hear this man again but im so angry that he crossed all the promises and boundaries we supposedly set.

He know my ex and I broke up the day I asked to see his DMs, because he would always check mine and always flipped his phone to the side when he sat next to me. The day we broke up I demanded to see his DMs and it was full of girls. I can’t believe the man I loved did the same thing to me.

I ordered rice with Thai chili sauce, tofu, eggs and vegetables because I’m too tired to do some grocery shopping.

Dinner was my first ever chili’s with girlfriends! Can’t believe I went all these years without knowing about triple dippers!

I am 5 ish months post breakup. He wasn’t actively choosing me and I left. I’ve been in a lot longer and more passionate relationships before but he was the first person in my entire life that I felt like I could actually share the rest of my life with. I thought our ideologies and lifestyle aligned perfectly. I am now actually really glad that I left, there were several other red flags and things that I was compromising on simply because I loved him and wanted it to work. He was also pretty good to me and told me he loved me and made me feel loved too. It was mostly the things he didn’t do or didn’t say. However I was snooping around and saw a post from a DECADE ago that he had asked someone to marry him. I never knew this. I am aware of this person. She was still in his life. I had asked him if I needed to worry about her. He said no, one of many different ‘white lies’ or lies by omission.

I know I am being silly being hurt by a post from a decade ago after we’ve already broken up. He had told me that I was the longest relationship he had ever been on. But in our relationship he never took any actual step forward, he never initiated any conversation about any kind of future together. But I guess he did in a relationship that was shorter than us? I feel stupid that he was clearly just messing around with me while I was starting to fall more in love with him and get more attached. He had made me believe that he was ‘just an avoidant’ hence no difficult conversations about us or the future. But I guess he wasn’t an avoidant a decade ago? But I’m proud of myself for leaving as soon as I realized I wasn’t being actively chosen. I myself have been asked by my previous partners to get married. But i do not keep any of them around, tf? I always wondered why she was still in his life even though she treated him terribly. I guess I know now. Apart from the hurt, I also feel kinda grossed out by him? I can’t tell if that’s just another stage of moving on or if there’s genuinely something gross about this. There was one other gross incident which is honestly pretty embarrassing for me to write here. The fact that he’s kept someone he wanted to marry in his life for over ten years, despite the horrible things she did to him, makes me wonder if he’s one of those people who fell in love with a girl at 20 and just never got over it. Am I in the wrong for finding that weird?

Apparently the photo didn't post the first time. Apologies to the mods!

He asked why people are so set against voter ID laws, and I answered with this:

Because access to the required IDs is very difficult or impossible for some people. It costs money, requires transportation and time from work that not everyone can spare. If these barriers were not a factor nobody would have a problem with ID laws. But voting is a vital right that nobody should face barriers in order to exercise. No citizen should be denied the right to vote.

He said I am blatantly racist because I am implying that people are too ignorant to get an ID.

I worked for this man for a few years, and it was unbelievably stressful, I am still traumatized for it. Thank God it wasn't during the Trump era. My career would have taken a very different turn and may not have survived at all.

Clearly this was traumatic enough to me that I am still really bothered by him.

Yummy footlong hot dog from a new local roadside spot.

Food is: homemade spice cake with apple pie filling and pumpkin spice caramel drizzle.

I was having a little tea session on the phone with a male friend, and he was talking about some things his boss, who also happens to be a friend that he has a whole DND campaign with, has done that he was telling him today. One of which was belittling a female employee under him.

The other thing my friend told me his boss/friend did was, because the job involves teaching students to go to tournaments and travel, taking some competitors to SoCal. And then after they didn't get top of the tournament spots despite how hard they worked, he took them to Disneyland's drop off to get them hyped up to go, saying he bought them tickets, made them get ready to get out of the car, before hitting the gas and leaving the drop off and driving home in silence without letting them out, until he broke the silence telling them because they didn't win, they don't get to have fun on the trip.

I have to add, this guy works at a community college that is known as a great school for those who are from poor backgrounds, immigrants, or working multiple jobs and trying to work for something better. I have no idea who the students were, but the likelihood of them never having gone to Disneyland before or being from a background where such a splurge is unheard of is likely. And my friend was laughing recounting this story, and his boss is viewed by him and others with such respect.

Maybe this just hit me hard because I come from an unfortunate background, or maybe I'm just so disappointed in my friend for finding this so funny among other things his other male friends have done that I'm just overreacting. But man, sometimes men suck in new fresh ways i never thought about before.