I have been seeing a guy for the last three months, and we have been getting closer and closer, especially over the last few weeks. He told me he dates with the intention of marriage, and has been single for a while while looking for the right person.

I have been single for the last eight years, by choice. When I met him, he ticked a lot of boxes and I decided to give it a go. I have enjoyed myself immensely with him and have had a lot of fun, and quite frankly it’s been nice to have companionship for the first time in a long time. He invited me to go on a trip with him in September and I agreed to go, because I felt like this relationship was moving in a good direction. There’s a lot of talk of future plans for trips, and the fun things we will do this summer.

Three weeks ago he mentioned to me that he had an upcoming 10 day trip planned to Canada. He told me he had originally booked the trip himself, but had a friend who lived in Washington, and she was going to come up and meet up with him. I honestly didn’t think too much of it because he was very casual about it, and honestly gave me the impression that maybe she was joining him for a couple of days.

He has been married three times before, and just last week shared with me that he was engaged about five years ago. He had told me in great detail what happened with all of his marriages, but really gave me a very vague explanation of what went wrong with his engagement. Just said things didn’t work out. He told me she had moved here from the West Coast when they got engaged, and when they broke it off, she moved back to Washington.

I realized in that moment that the person coming to meet him on his trip was probably his ex fiancé. This development didn’t feel so cool to me.

He had several other opportunities to let me know that it was her joining him for his trip, but he did not. When I asked him who was joining him and for how long, he said her name and that she will be with him the entire 10 days. I knew her name because he still had pictures of them together on Facebook. He still didn’t say, it’s my ex fiancé I told you about. When I asked him how he met this person, pretending that I still didn’t have any inkling that this was who he was traveling with, he just told me vaguely that they had met through mutual hiking friends -Again still didn’t say my ex fiancé.

To me this feels completely inappropriate. I understand he may have made plans with her to go on this trip before things progressed with me. However, he could have explained this to me in full transparency. To me he is lying by omission and it feels very deceitful and hurtful quite honestly.

I don’t know the terms or what may have happened in the demise of their relationship, maybe he still hung up on her. I don’t know, I sent him a text, letting him know how I felt and I still haven’t heard back from him. He’s about to get on a plane and leave for 10 days, and I am disappointed and resigning myself to the fact that I’m going to be single probably for a very long time. I’m most upset about the lack of transparency, because that makes me feel like there’s something he is hiding.

OKKKKK Finally figured out how to edit this.

I’m eating fruit with Bulgarian yogurt, a splash of maple syrup, and a three seed mix of Chia, hemp and flax.

I also did an update post https://www.reddit.com/r/GirlDinnerDiaries/s/ku9d1xH2Uo

On Friday I took my daughter to the city pool to meet up with our friends. My friend and I set our deck chairs near the pool steps and we were watching our kids swim (I don’t like swimming in that pool because it’s so warm, it’s like human soup.)

So we’re sitting there and we notice a toddler toddle towards the steps from the direction of the splash pad. He was maybe 15-18 months old, I’d guess. We noticed him because he had on a regular diaper instead of a swim diaper, and it was awkwardly soggy, the way regular diapers get. And we were like “well that’s against the rules” because we’re gossipy bitches. I guess we subconsciously assumed an adult was following.

Anyway, I looked away for a moment and when I looked back, the kid had entered the pool, gone down the stairs, and was fully underwater. He was flailing and his mouth was open. I had a split second where I looked around like “is this happening?” The next thing I knew I was in the pool in my clothes, grabbing him.

He didn’t cry or cough and he seemed fine, and he let me hold him. It took me shouting LIFEGUARD twice before one of the two lifeguards on duty noticed me; she had been pacing up and down the pool deck near the stairs and her back had been to the kid. The lifeguard in the chair hadn’t noticed. It’s a massive pool, by the way, and full of kids.

The lifeguard I shouted to seemed confused at first, like “why is this wet, clothed, hysterical woman lowkey suggesting I didn’t do my job.” I wasn’t too accusatory; I was just like, He was underwater? He is a baby??!

At this point the kid’s mom finally comes over from the other side of the pool complex. I told her her kid was fully underwater and I grabbed him, and she was like “thank you.” She didn’t seem at all freaked out. Now she could have been embarrassed. Or she was confused, like “this waterlogged woman is swearing my son nearly drowned, but he is clearly a calm and normal child who happens to be head-to-toe wet.” Or she’s criminally negligent. Idk!

The lifeguard went to get the head lifeguard, who was very nice and checked the kid over and thanked me. The mom and the kid went back to the splash pad. And that was that.

It was just…weird. I don’t know how long it would have taken the standing lifeguard to loop back and notice. I don’t know if that mom knows how close she came to being a statistic. I am hysterical about water safety— this is coastal SoCal; we live at the beach and pool but I respect the water as the death trap it is.

Just— watch your kids. Never turn your back. Children drown without a sound. If a pool is understaffed, they’re still going to let you in, and your responsibility just becomes greater.

Snack: chips & guacasalsa

Apple pie and a vegan sandwich I stole that was left over from a work event

I'm a single parent; and I started dating someone I've known since I was 19. We are now a respective 36 and 40. We've been steady for 2 years now. It's such a happy and healthy relationship. We have mild disagreements, but we don't fight. And it feels easy, like a breath of fresh air.

My kids love him, they were pushing us to date before we started. He moved in this Feb and things have naturally melted into a nice, calm routine. He's been more active and patient and present than the kid's biological father (and has spent more on them too.)

My Aunt has BEEN an issue for every generation. She always tries to control things. This thanksgiving, we wanted to get together. It would mean everyone would need to travel to my grandfather's house since he's 86. Everyone lives within 30 mins of him, with the exception of me. He typically pays for me and the kiddos travels.

At first, she didn't want to get together because it's "too much work" and "too much money for two days." He retired at 55. He's fine.

Next, she didn't want me to bring my partner, because she "isn't ready to welcome someone new" and "she just wants it to be the core family."

Then I get a call from her (while I'm at work, mind you) and then she texts me:

Call me

Dad (grandpa) told me about your engagement

Me: I'm not engaged? And I'm at work.

I suspect this bish just ruined a potential engagement. Here's the thing, I'm close with my Grandpa. He's my dude. So it would be expected for my boyfriend to call him and let him know/ask permission.

I'm so annoyed with her. An engagement isn't a total surprise (since we've talked about it).

I haven't decided if I'm going to tell my boyfriend or not. I don't want to deflate him. This would be his first marriage, his first time planning a proposal. And I feel like he deserves these "firsts." And, It wouldn't change my answer.

I haven't addressed my aunt yet. I recognize that I need to take a breath before responding.

Update: thank you all for your support! I gave myself a few days to stew but I would like to give you an update. Overall, I'm okay 💀 mildly annoyed.

Yes my aunt is a bitch, she always has been, she always will be. I'm not trying to change who she is. Rather, I'm just protecting my own peace. She's done this to every single person that people have brought into the family.

So I did respond to my aunt; but I kept it annoyed but unbothered. I basically was like, I'm busy, don't call me. If you do, I will not be picking up. If he was considering an engagement, you could have just ruined it. What is wrong with you 🙄

And in auntie fashion, she said 'blame your grandpa." Ma'am, how are we 55-60 years old and we still can't take accountability for our own actions. So I rolled my eyes, and didn't address it. She then came back to me and said she would give my boyfriend a chance, but she wants me to make good choices for me and the kids... and she won't be there as a shoulder to cry on again. In which I responded, I don't cry over men anymore. 💅🏾

Anyways, I SUSPECT this is what happened. A thing to know about the men in my family, they are all secret romantics. Both my uncle and Grandpas on both sides want us to get married (and they let it be known from the first time they met him). I think, to shut her up, he said that we'll be engaged soon anyways, or something along those lines. He's not intentionally trying to stir the pot, but I could absolutely see that happening.

As for engagement, it hasn't happened yet 😂 but I'll let you all know if it does! He's a Virgo, so his lead time could be anywhere from now until next July. He's a planner and researcher. Even if he DID happen to ask my grandpa, it honestly could be months out. As some of you said, for the surprise element, I'll just focus on what he says. That will be enough.

Yesterday he mildly panicked because he thought I saw his screen that apparently had rings on it. He may ruin his own engagement because he is super excited that "if we get engaged, he knows exactly what I'd like. And it would be perfect" and he cannot keep a secret. Guess he'll fit right in with the family 🤡💀

Dinner is an Up & Go liquid breakfast drink.

I was at the park an hour from my house stretching my legs after visiting some friends near by.

I was sitting on a park bench having a coffee from a cafe near by when a ball hit my feet from some kids that were playing in front of me.

I grabbed their ball and tossed it back to them and they said thanks and went back to playing.

But they looked SO familiar. It took me a minute to realise that they were my coworkers from 5 years ago kids.

I hadn’t seen her in the 5 years since she quit, but she posts her kids a lot on Facebook and Instagram.

I looked around and saw her eventually and went up and said hi, but I just thought it was so wild that I could easily recognise two little kids that I’ve never met before.

I’ve watched them grow up through social media but they had no idea who I am.

I know their full names, their birthdays, so much identifiable information.

It’s so dystopian.

When I got home, I went and edited all the identifiable information on my profiles about my own baby. I don’t post photos, but you could piece enough together on my profile. Like their birthday and full name.

I posted this privately to a Facebook mums group as a bit of a gobsmacked psa and it got removed in 5 minutes.

I understand that is a very divisive topic but I feel like these conversations need to be had.

Potato fritters with saffron greek yogurt

Update post, The link to my last post is here: https://www.reddit.com/r/GirlDinnerDiaries/comments/1uderct/havent_talked_to_bf_in_2_days_bec_his_sister_is/

Some on you said I should talk to them at the same time, because what if the sister just vented to him and he blew things out of proportion

So I did. I called her and asked if everything was okay and she said yes why would it not be? so I asked if I could come over for a lil chat w her AND bf. She said they were on their way to dinner and invited me to the restaurant.

When I got there, I went straight into it. Asked her why she didn't come to me with the problem and involve him instead. YOU WERE ALL RIGHT. She said she was just venting, and she showed me the actual texts too. in the texts she had clearly said stuff like "don't tell (OP) i don't wanna rain on her parade" "I'm happy for her, I just also can't help but be a bit sad"

all v considerate messages given the situation. She got rly mad at bf and asked if he had tattled to me and he said "oh I just told her you were upset" so I relayed everything he said. She was very upset at the guy for lying and making her seem like the bad guy. she also apologised to me on his behalf, said she really was happy for me, and that the friendship meant a lot to her.

After this, I was extremely mad at him, and decided to leave. This happened a couple of hours ago, and I'm now home. Since then I've received many texts from her apologising, saying I have to believe that she would never react to my success like this (and I believe her). On the other hand, I have only received texts from bf being mad at me for telling on him and overreacting and blowing things out of proportion.

I think I'm going to meet him and break up with him this weekend. Thank you all for your love and support through this.

I used to be a "free the titty" girl, I was. But then I actually spent a day topless at a local festival and it was one of the worst experiences of my life.

Random people asking for pics (I do have nice tits ngl, but still. Fucking crazy behavior. Mine are definitely not worthy of a random selfie). Random men walking up and swearing they're photographers and begging me to meet them in private. Even WOMEN were harassing me!!!!!

I was so nice too. I took pics.. I even let a dude touch em (he swore he never touched a boob before and he was actually shaking so like, I think he was telling the truth. That's why I let him touch, I felt bad for him) I tried so hard to really just own it and enjoy it.

But it was miserable. I ended the day by starting to ask people for money for pics and the last person was a young woman who literally got pissed at me for not letting her treat me like a walking statue or something. Like dude I just want my titties to touch the sunlight, I do not want to take pictures with every person walking past! If you don't have five bucks just say so!

I thought I could totally deal with it, since I'm a former sex worker and being nude in a crowded room is just natural for me.

Yeah, no. Freeing the titties makes you a freak show. Even me not wearing a bra still gets comments sometimes (I cannot stand bras, they're so fucking annoying. I own four bras, and one is the Goat. She's comfy and actually contains my giant nipples)

At least at the strip club we have bouncers lol. I was just out there, vulnerable. So no, I cannot in good faith recommend that you free the titty. Keep the girls safe.

Food: I know it looks gross but it's chicken and bell peppers with Jamaican curry and jerk seasoning. It smelled so fucking good, god bless my girlfriend. We call it 'rasta pasta' cause we mix it with rigatoni pasta. No offense to my Jamaican girls, we love you (but if it is offensive, please let us know)

Dinner is trader joes pumpkin gnocchi with butter and pesto, cucumber and tomato salad, and pumpkin sugar cookies (also TJ's). Sadly only got a picture of the pasta.

I have bipolar 1, and recently started seeing a therapist for the first time in over a year. I have been taking my meds and seeing psychiatrists ever since my diagnosis, but I have only intermittently gone to therapy.

With my most recent therapist, during our very first session she encouraged me to download an AI app to "talk about my feelings". I was hoping this was a one off so I kept seeing her.

Then, she sent me a summary of some tools for tracking my bipolar that reeked of AI. Emojis, emdashes, everything. Again, I thought maybe she was just using it to organize her thoughts or maybe I was wrong.

During our last session, we did this exercise that felt very rote and weird. I noticed her constantly reading off the computer screen (fair, she could be referencing notes she prepared). But everything felt canned and generic. At the very end of the call, she again encouraged me to "talk" with an AI to help manage my disorder. We only had like a minute left of the session so I just said goodnight and left.

It feels so irresponsible to recommend this as a therapeutic modality to someone who struggles with delusion and psychosis. The risk of falling back into psychosis is not something I take lightly, and I don't want to talk to a machine that will always affirm me. So I sent her an email and cancelled the rest of our appointments. She replied that everything she used was "HIPAA compliant" which in my mind affirms that she was using it during our sessions.

I feel good about this decision, but also guilty. I felt like I connected really well with her on a human level, but goddamn I don't want all my innermost thoughts being used to train a machine and possibly involved in some data breach down the line. I am also worried that this could be the beginnings of mania since it felt like a rash decision. I emailed my psych to see if we could do a check in before my appointment later this month to make sure I am still on track.

Me and some friends rode in the worldwide naked bike ride recently. The idea is that a bunch of people meet up and bike around the city, with varying degrees of nudity, to bring awareness to cyclist vulnerability and to protest car culture.

Maybe this was naiive of me but I was expecting a wide range of people, bodies, nudity and essentially a feeling of solidarity with the other cyclists. Obviously I thought people would be staring because we were nude but I expected it to be more of a spectacle and not really sexualized.

My experience with the ride was a let down and I can't stop thinking about it. It was probably over 70% men, many of whom were fully clothed or just shirtless with masks covering their faces. Many of them were there alone, and I and my friends were constantly being stared at. One man who had on shorts and a mask had a small digital camera pointed at us circling us on his bike for a long time, clearly filming or taking pictures. I started noticing how many of the men had phones setup on their bikes or helmets and were filming.

I felt more and more uncomfortable as we made stops and the ride went on and these men kept approaching us.

We left early. I knew people would be taking pictures but after all of that I felt super objectified and just creeped out. Should I have expected this? Am I just dumb? I guess I'm just processing and looking for thoughts.

...and I'm glad I didn't brain dump then. But I'm ready to talk now. We're both early 50s. Been together for 16 yrs, married for 14, and have known each other since we were about 12 years old. There was NEVER an indication this was coming and even she (MTF, and I've only recently started using the correct pronouns because it's been hard af adjusting) said she never felt like this before.

It's been a wild month. Our relationship was already kind of rocky. Things had been less than stellar in terms of communication, fighting about everything, general coldness, etc. Both of us just basically coexisting and that's about it.

She didn't even tell me. Things were weird and I finally called her out. Found out that she's been seeing a counselor for 6 months before I even knew. Later found out shes already been on HRT and had breasts developing that she'd been hiding. And let me fuckin tell you....I RAGED. I raged so hard. I felt lost. I wanted to run for the hills. The 1st week was the worst. I felt so much betrayal, hurt, shock, confusion. I thought about me and how our kids would be affected. I didn't even consider her feelings and how terrifying all of this was for her, especially in this political climate, and at our ages. This was a natural reaction, but obviously, not the correct one. This is why I'm glad I didn't post earlier because we have talked A LOT and I get some of the secrecy now.

But I'm here now to talk about it, and how things have changed in just a month. My "person" is now my "person" again. Our relationship is becoming stronger than ever. She is so damn genuinely HAPPY for the first time in her life, I think, and it's been really cool to be a part of.

After the initial dust settled, we started talking about what will actually happen in terms of hormones, physical changes, and our marriage. I needed answers. I didn't want to be left in the dark anymore because honestly, we need to decide the direction our marriage will go. She is happy staying with me because she's a lesbian. I am straight (I guess? The next sentence may indicate I'm bi...? Lol I don't know). I've experimented before but ultimately decided I like men. However...I am open to staying in our marriage and seeing where things go, as I am not opposed to being married to a woman. I love my partner. As much as I wanted to run immediately, I just couldn't do it. Also, she has no interest in bottom surgery, which admittedly is something that I was concerned with.

I was very resistant at first to all the changes- the nails, bras, breasts, clothing...all made me feel uncomfortable, and full disclosure- like less than a woman in my own home. But it feels different now. I'm excited for her. I don't feel less than anything. And we realized we share a lot of the same tastes in clothes and everything else so I'm able to share a lot of my stuff. Lol. After shedding some weight, I have many things I can no longer fit into that she loves and has taken over in her own closet.

Is it weird still? Do I still feel uncomfortable in certain situations? Do I struggle to have every day conversations with people when casual talk of husbands comes up? Of course; I'm not perfect. And I'm still learning too. After I found out, I immediately found a counselor who specializes in this situation. She's wonderful and the absolute best decision I've made.

Will we survive this? Who knows? If you asked me a month ago, I would've said, "Fuck no!". But today...I'm actually looking forward to what our crazy ass future holds!

Chicken parm we collaborated on for dinner the other night- deeeelish!

Okay, I don’t mean literally worships you.
I was wondering if those men, who buy you flowers, kiss you like it’s their passion, open doors for you, spoil you rotten and most importantly, love you like they’ve never seen anything so beautiful,
Does that exist? Has anyone ever actually gotten themselves a man like this?

I find myself daydreaming about this so often, wondering if this will ever be me.
I wish I could experience real love.

I’m 25, I know I’m not old and I know I have a life ahead of me. But finding love like this doesn’t seem.. possible? By today’s standards at least.

apple pie and vanilla cream

She got fit for a bra for the first time and holy moly she broke down trying on a bra. She wears sports bras because she isn't comfortable having boobs. We talked about how at her age so much is changing and it can be startling at times. The lady who fit her kept saying how "us big boobed girlys need the support" which didn't help the situation haha. My 13 year old is 32D and that's terrifying to me because she already is getting creepy stares from men and chooses to wear baggy clothes because of it. Sorry for the vent I'm just feeling genuinely sad that my child feels she has to cover up to keep creepy men from staring at her and that she broke down about seeing herself in an actual bra rather than a sports bra. It's sad.

Having a protein shake for breakfast since I had root planing done yesterday. Ouch.

Edited to add it was her decision to get sized, im fully fine with sports bras and prefer them realistically. Id absolutely never push her into trying on a bra or getting sized.

Lurker here to share a story. I'll start off with that I have never identified as straight. If a label needs to be slapped on it, I go with bi. I don't care what the gender marker says.

I've been married coming on 10 years, and I'll be honest... the first few years felt a little rough. I thought it was because we were in the Army and we were in the hectic part of our 20s. But it didn't get better after we both got out of service, and at a point I just felt like I was no longer being heard and was actively being shut out. I can't force anyone to talk to me, so I started to pull back to protect myself from the inevitable.

Then, my then husband, comes out to me one night after a few drinks saying that he never has felt like a man or a boy, even came out to his (very unhelpful) parents as a kid... and it all clicked.

It was all repression.

The next day, we sat down and looked at names together because having a feminine name just never crossed her mind, and I'll be damned if my wife walks around with a goofy ass name she got from an anime. She was a junior, and I definitely never called her by her dad's name, ew. She picked something beautiful.

5 years later, we're happier than ever because my wife doesn't have to hide behind a mask of toxic masculine stoicism.

I guess the moral of the story is that maybe your husband just needs to be put on E. /s

Whispering wildflower tea & vitamin C for these crazy ass allergies, razz-cran la croix, and the best pistachios I've ever had from McGinn's Pistachioland in Alamogordo, New Mexico.

I was a weird kid/currently a weird adult. Never fit in, struggled socially, bullied throughout my schooling (pretty mild but it's stuck with me and it was consistent).

My oldest son is 11 and he is so much like me that it kills me. He doesn't have any close friends and he's going into middle school this year. Everyday I wish for him to find just -one- good friend who gets him and will stick by his side, and want to hang out with him. I had one of those and she was my saving grace. I never put pressure on her to be my bff, she was pretty popular, and in fact it was usually me who had to cut our hang outs shorter because I'm a serious introvert lol. But we just clicked.

It hurts me so much to see my biggest struggles as a kid in my own child. He's funny, smart, awkward, kind, curious, introspective. I just want him to find his people in life.

Dinner: heavily salted baked crinkle fries with malt vinegar and ketchup

Vegan flatbread

I have brown curly hair I’ve been somewhat insecure about (REALLY curly). I met a man who was practically drooling over it.

My brother LOVES chubby/fat girls. And he’s not weird about it, it’s just his type— along with other features like face shape, glasses etc. He views all women with respect and he also is financially independent (he’s 22, lives on his own too), has an active social life, works out, is into men’s fashion, plays guitar and sings, and knows how to cook (and enjoys it). Oh, and he’s 6’1”. He likes chubby girls because he thinks it’s very feminine.

I personally have a thing for hooked (aquiline) noses. So attractive.

Any and every feature of you, you can bet is someone’s dream. Don’t get bogged down by bad people who want to convince you otherwise.

gang, i have this thought semi periodically because for a lot of my life i identified as bisexual or unlabelled

this weekend i was talking to my friend and i was telling her how genuinely grossed out i feel when men touch me like i genuinely do not like it. whenever i go on dates with men i don’t like it when they hold my hand or when they try to hug me or even kiss me.

i get grossed out by men VERY quickly. i wouldnt even say its like an ick, whenever i see an attractive man i can recognise hes attractive but like something in me just wants to go AWAY from them but i never feel that with women. also whenever i picture a perfect world i always picture myself married with a woman but i CANNOT picture myself genuinely married and happy with a man.

i just always get this feeling whenever im in a relationship or on a date with a man that im faking it and i cannot WAIT to be alone and away from them. im not sure i always feel bad for wanting to claim the label of lesbian because i feel not good enough but i genuinely just do not feel interested in men sexually.

guys pls do not bully me btw meal is loco moco, tis delicious.

EDIT TO ADD: a lot of people are asking me this and i thought it was implied but YES i have been on many of dates with women and with women i get butterflies, i feel shy but not really uncomfortable, and i generally feel less like im performing attraction and just being attracted.

idk how to describe it

I feel so isolated with how i feel about this, because mostly when someone i talk about this stuff its like: just focus on stuff you can actually control. I know they mean well.. but honestly, that really doesnt help me cause i just cant put on a smiley face and ignore all the horrific stuff happening in the world.
I am really trying to avoid the news but people talk about it, and i dont want to give up on my social life. I cant for the life of me get how people can just keep going to work, travelling, buying stuff, being all happy, when we are literally destroying our planet and wars are going on and our lives are basically in the hand of a few villains.
There are people out there making babies, long time future plans, while i wake up more and more depressed everyday. I am sick of seeing people showing off their shit they bought on temu, buying stuff they will use only once, and then throw it away, people on social media making „funny“ posts about wasting food for a prank and for clicks.. i feel like everyone is asleep and just dont see that we are using up the planets resources for momentary pleasures. What are we even doing??
I dont know how to keep going on with a positive mindset or how to not lose motivation and inspiration every single day when all i see is people getting more polarised, more frustrated and isolated.. i just extremely miss my childhood in the 90s where things were simpler and technology wasnt such a huge part of our lives. I just wanna wake up thinking theres actually a chance that things will be better but at the moment it all seems so dark. I know there were difficult times before but it feels like so many things are happening at once, one disaster after the next and it ijust keeps getting worse. Society and the climate just all seem sick and everything feels so awfully heavy.
Dinner: homemade plum pie

I opened the wrong bottle of wine tonight.

I have a decent wine collection and decided I wanted to have a glass or two with dinner while I sit on my sofa and binge Star Wars (again).

I meant to pull a lower price bottle from my wine fridge, since it was just me sitting on the sofa watching something I’ve seen, like, a million times. I try to save the higher end bottles for special occasions, or even just casual evenings with friends. I’ve always thought it seemed kind of wasteful to open anything particularly expensive for myself.

I pulled a bottle that I believed to be a simple brut, but after I popped the cork, I realized I’d accidentally pulled a similarly labeled, but nowhere near similarly priced bottle. One that had been sitting there, waiting for the perfect occasion for a couple years.

My first reaction was anger at myself…..for wasting one of the GOOD wines on ME. But there’s no going back once you uncork it, so here I am, a glass in, unpacking my interaction with myself.

I’m sitting here, in the home I own by myself, relaxing on the sofa I bought by myself, watching something I love on my Disney+ account that has one profile, drinking a glass of delicious wine that I bought for myself on one of the many journeys I’ve taken by myself. I have a great job and I’m incredibly lucky and thankful to be in the position where I can have a mini existential crisis over a bottle of wine, but I so often feel “behind” or marginally important in the grand scheme of things.

I’m surrounded by a wonderful group of friends, but I’m the only single one. Everyone is married, most have kids, and I’ve been there for it all. Every engagement, shower, bachelorette, wedding, baby shower, house/pet sat during births, and attended kiddos birthday parties. I’m even a godmother to a couple of these amazing kids. I absolutely LOVE my friends, their families, and I’ve been so honored to be a part of their lives and their joys (and many a sorrow too) and I wouldn’t trade any of that for the world.

But it seems that somewhere down that road, I started minimizing my life to fit seamlessly into theirs.

I’ve never batted an eye at an expensive bottle of wine for a friend’s celebration, or even just a night in with laughter, tears, sometimes both. But I was mad at myself for opening one on a night where I’m here, myself, while everyone else is out and about with their spouses, kids, in-laws. The wine fridge is full, because everyone has had a busy summer, except for me.

Why was the first thought in my mind that I wasn’t worth my own expensive bottle of wine?

I’m changing my mindset moving forward. I am worth the good bottle. I am allowed to reserve nice things for myself. And my life is also worth celebrating, even if it can’t be measured by traditional milestones, or if I’m the only one at the party.

Dinner is leftover baked tofu and butternut squash, accompanied by the wine in question.

I’ve literally wasted my entire Saturday. I got up around 10am, showered and got ready for an event that’s not happening until 8pm.

I’ve literally been sat in bed since, snuggling my dog and doom scrolling. I’ve had multiple things I could’ve done today, and quite happily so, but I just couldn’t bring myself to start them because my brain is stuck in TO DO mode, and this event is THE MAIN TASK.

Once this event ends, which btw it’s purely a fireworks show that I’m attending with my family, I’ll be free. Like some magical imp who has been trapped by counting rice.

Or is that fairies? Goblins?

Idk.

I also don’t know why I’m like this, but the same thing happens with appointments, phone calls, errands, etc

Food is an ice cream cone (cornetto, very fancy) from yesterday because going outside today to get an ice cream? Against the waiting rules.

Dinner is a pulled pork sandwich from my local BBQ joint. Wednesday is $5 burger or pulled pork sandwich night.

In another post, a trans person said something like "not feeling like a woman". I remember when I said that to my therapist when I was transitioning. So she asked me "what is that supposed to feel like?" I was stumped. I had no idea. This was the best question she ever asked me. Outside of that, she sucked as a therapist. But back then, there weren't many therapists who saw trans people. Anyway, I couldn't answer that question. The reality is that I can only feel like me. As much as I would have liked to be cis, that didn't happen. So I will never have the experience of growing up with a female body. I can only know how it feels to be me. And that's true for everyone. I'm just glad to have gotten a chance to transition. And I'm glad to be on the girl side of that.

My (23f) husband (28m) and I have been together for 4 years. For the past year or so our arguments have gotten really bad. It feels like almost every argument follows the same pattern. I’ll bring up something relatively small that hurt me because I want to talk about it and feel understood, and he gets so defensive. Then somehow the conversation turns into everything I’m doing wrong, and I end up being the one apologizing. then the thing I originally brought up never really gets addressed.

When things get heated, he’ll yell and insult me saying things like “fuck you,” “shut up,” “you’re entitled,” “I don’t trust you,” and he’s threatened divorce multiple times.
We’ve done counseling, and it helped a little, but it never lasted long enough before we had another bad fight.

There are things I genuinely love about him. And we had so many good memories together. Like staying up really late talking and laughing. Playing video games while watching our favorite shows. Taking naps in the sun. Him putting his arm around my waist and pulling me closer. Cuddling together. Him holding me while I cried. I loved this man. I still do. But I’ve decided I just can’t take it anymore and I’m done putting up with his bullshit.

About a 2 weeks ago we had another really bad fight. Thankfully this fight happened while we were staying the night at one of my family members house. I ended up confiding in my aunt who is practically a second mother to me and she said that she would gladly let me stay at her place for as long as I need. She helped me finally get up the courage to tell him I want a divorce. It was awful. He was angrier than I’ve ever seen him. He was screaming, hurling insults, and the funny thing is while I normally would have felt that sinking gut feeling, I felt… nothing. It didn’t affect me at all and it was so freeing. I’ve felt more at peace these past couple weeks than I have in the past year.

Anyway, when he realized that I was serious and that I wasn’t budging he started crying and saying things like “I can’t believe I’m about to lose you” like he he is somehow shocked that I’m actually serious? It was actually surprising to me considering all the times he’s threatened it himself.

I’m still sad. I’ve cried. I feel lonely sometimes. I’m grieving the past four years of my life and a future that I once looked forward to, but I don’t miss him as much as I thought I would. And when I think about going back, I honestly dread it.

Im done feeling like I have to beg for the bare minimum. I want someone who will listen when I tell them something hurt me. Someone who will try to understand me before trying to defend themselves. Someone who will put effort into our relationship and make me feel like being my partner is something they actively want to nurture.

And I want to be that kind of partner too. I know I wasn’t perfect. I’ve said things out of anger that I regret. There are things I could have handled better, but I am so happy to let go of that toxic, manipulative environment and to finally be free to live the life I know I deserve.

I sent the paperwork in to the courthouse and am finally starting the process. It’s been a roller coaster of emotions, but I don’t regret it one bit. And I’m just so unbelievably grateful for the support I’ve gotten from my family. Especially my aunt. I would probably still be living with him trying to figure things out and feeling absolutely miserable if it wasn’t for her. Thanks for reading this far if you have. Hope y’all have a good rest of your year 🫶

Sandwich:
-Toasted sourdough bread
-Mayo with a little bit of Dijon mustard
-Cooked ham with melted mozzarella cheese on top
-Lettuce, tomatoes, and pickles
-shredded mozzarella cheese
-salt, pepper, olive oil

Drink:
-Cranberry mango juice

This was from last night but I totally forgot to post. Someone was talking about seeing so many bad relationships which I can totally feel because my relationship before this one was so bad. It lasted 9 long years.

But my current boyfriend is slowly helping me heal and I just want to scream about it. I want to brag and gush and just... he's so good to me. He holds me when I cry, he makes me laugh constantly. Like to the point of tears. He's so ridiculously silly and fun. He cooks for me, he carries the heavy things, let's me be passenger princess. Gives me space when I need and hangs out with me when I ask. Makes plans and dates, supports me when I'm low. And he's constantly reassuring me that I too am a good partner to him because trauma from my past relationship makes me question myself. But he's constantly telling me how much he loves me. One of the things I love the most is how much we tell eachother how much we appreciate eachother. And just the reassurances because he also has some past relationship trauma.

And yeah I just wanted to gush~

This was dinner from last night that I made and he also eats my food and compliments my cooking and thanks me, cleans the kitchen and...

I JUST LOVE HIM.

I thought you all might appreciate hearing about a good relationship and I hope all of you ladies can gush here too~

Edit: LOL I saw just a couple comments about the food. ITS JUST TERRIBLE LIGHTING LOL there was no other light except from my two pc screens. The shrimp is all the way done and the steak was a nice warm pink center! You can't see the juice on the plate I sliced it up because 1. We shared a steak and 2. I didn't want to cut it up on my plate cause I was lazy? Lol

Edit 2: THANK YOU FOR THE AWARDS~!

We were out spending our day together and ended up at the mall. I asked my husband if he wanted to go to the Lego store as we don’t go there often and a HUGE smile spread across his face. He asked if there was $100 in the budget for what he wanted (I do all the finances since I’m an accountant, so he is totally oblivious to our financial status. Not in a controlling way, but because he doesn’t care at all and it’s easier for us). I confirmed that there was almost exactly $100 left for us to spend in our fun budget. I had been thinking of using that money to get a couple piercings, but his face told me that he should have the last of the funds and my earrings can wait.

We walk in and he goes straight to a Lego set that he says he’s been dying to get. It was for my favorite book, and I had no idea there was a Lego set for it. I’m not big into Lego- don’t want to build them, and I don’t display them in my spaces. He said he’s been trying to find this set for a while and was so excited to build it for me since it’s my favorite book. He talked about where I can display it in my space and was overall extremely excited to buy it as a gift for me.

I tried my absolute best to not dash his dreams and told him I’d rather display a bouquet of LEGO flowers or use those funds to get a piercing if he wanted to gift me with something. He looked somewhat disappointed by my statement. He put the set back, we walked around the store, and I asked him if he wanted to walk around the mall to think about it first. He said yes, so we left and walked around before circling back.

Some background context, he loves gift giving. It’s his favorite way to show me he loves me. The issue is, gift giving is my least favorite way to receive love. We’ve been together for 7 years and it’s something I’ve tried very hard to understand since that’s his default. More often than not, I tell him exactly what I want for gifts/give ideas for things I’d like and he doesn’t always buy in those categories. He will get me things I’ve explicitly told him I don’t want (like another reusable water bottle - I have 5 he’s gifted and I only wanted 1). I’ve tried to communicate my frustrations of him not listening to what I want, and instead he gets what HE wants me to have. Which would be fine if he bought things I liked, but it’s almost always related to his hobbies or something he was influence to buy from social media.

So, we circle back to the store and I ask him what he wants to do. He goes in and buys the set and comes out so excited to build it for me. We walk away, and I’m just disappointed. I know I should be excited and thankful he thought of me. But all I can feel is being unheard.

I’ve asked to go to couples therapy over the years for this issue, but he says that therapy is for marriages that are failing and ours isn’t. So I don’t know how much more I can communicate this issue to him.

Turkey pesto panini and Greek salad

dinner is mexican chicken salad and rice that i added too much tomato sauce to on purpose

my husband and i have recently gotten very into tea. we’ve always been tea drinkers but we recently started learning about Gongfu tea.

his birthday is coming up and i got him a pretty expensive Gongfu tea ceremony set from a tea farm near us. i even picked us out tea pets that are specifically catered to us!! (not a typo!! tea pets are real) i also got him all sorts of tea from that same farm. i picked about 4 different variety sets and some of his favorites.

my issue is that he literally will not stop talking about it and looking at sets online and talking about buying one OMG. if i say something he’s obviously going to know that’s what i’m getting him. every time i look at him on his phone this man is deeply engaged in a video about tea. i swear as the days go by he’s looking even more and more which tells me he clearly wants to buy one like i’m literally going to have to hide his wallet or something. my toxic trait is that i can’t surprise people because i just want to freaking tell them already. i think i get more excited than they do!!😭😭 i even said the other day randomly to throw him off the scent, “just don’t buy anything since your birthday is coming up and you never know what’s coming!”

a couple ppl requested the chicken salad recipe and y’all it’s addictive so caution!!!

3 cups rotisserie chicken or whatever chicken ofc but i think rotiss has the best texture!!
1/2c sour cream
3tbsp mayo
like half of a small red onion or more ofc
3 green onions
small handful of chopped cilantro
1-2 jalapeño’s depending on your spice level
juice of 1 lime

garlic, cumin, salt/pep to taste (i just eyeball so idk the exact measurements!!)

i like to add fresh avocado and eat it with tostada shells and lots of valentina or spicy green sauce!!!

edit: he’s literally HEATING THE KETTLE RIGHT NOW. we are PREPPING FOR TEA!!! (not the new set, i’m not giving in that easily)

edit: guys i gave a mildly obvious hint again yesterday and i think it finally struck him. i’m still gonna attempt to wait til bday bc i ended up ordering some more tea and so excited bc theyre bricks from 1998 and 2004. ITS LIKE AGED WINE.. BUT TEA!!!!!! so fun. anyways i will be updating on a new post in roughly 2 weeks 🙏

i feel like more times than not, the sole reason why women dont want to fuck their partners is because the man is some sort of idiot
sure, there are other instances where its no ones fault but maybe like 80% of cases are either a man who doesnt wash his junk, a dude who hadnt made his woman cum since 1998, a man whos brain is fucked up from porn etc.

its always a dude complaining that his perfectly healthy gf put him into a dead bedroom situation meanwhile if you ask the poor girlfriend shes gonna say that his balls smell like a dirty ear piercing and also he hasnt hugged her since last christmas

even i thought i was asexual for my whole life simply because i couldnt bear the idea of sex with my exes. fast forward to dating my boyfriend of 2 yrs and a half i just figured out that apparently they were just shitty men because jeeeesus christ i want to be all over him constantly. quite literally nothing else comes close to how he makes me feel and im not even exaggerating and tbh its not even the sex its also the fact that he makes me feel loved,safe and valued that makes me want to jump his bones all the time

i always had a really high sex drive but for some reason whenever i dated a dude the idea of sex just seemed meh or it never really crossed my mind that much and after breaking up with them i realized that there was always a reason i was ignoring on why i was so turned off even if in the moment i didnt quite figure out why

thanks for coming to my ted talk i needed to say this somewhere