My (38f) husband, (39m) had just survived an emergency but expected liver transplant after being born with biliary atresia and undergoing a Kasai procedure to save his life when he was born. He was thriving after his liver transplant. We were one day short of three weeks in. Or maybe it was the third week anniversary of the transplant. It was a normal afternoon and he looked at me and said something doesn't feel right call the doctor. And I said call 911? Before he could say yes, his eyes rolled back. From there it was a long and violent 20 minutes of life saving attempts by me before medical arrived. My blood curdling guttural screams alerted the neighbors while I was on the phone with 911. I was in full black out shock for hours. I photographically remember every bit of his suffering as he died in my arms while our dog was frantic and crying and jumping on him. I don't know why I'm writing this. It happened Monday. It's Friday. USA EST. I miss him. Sleeping is all I can do. Please, please, live with love and understanding towards all. My husband was the most loving man. The world was lucky to have him.
ETA: chicken noodle soup, homemade by my mom.
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Oh my god. That’s beyond horrifying, I’m genuinely so sorry. Please, please seek professional help, this type of trauma can last for years. I promise you’ll get through it, you’re already so strong. Sending you all my hugs and kisses lovely 😞🫂
Second the therapy but also, start playing Tetris. Today. Right now. It’s been proven to help reduce long term PTSD following traumatic events. It’s also quite calming when every nerve in your body simultaneously wants to scream and shut down (don’t ask me how I know).
I just learned about this Tetris trick about an hour ago after a friend of mine just witnessed something horrific. Asked another friend about it. It's very helpful with keeping your mind busy and focused on something else.
Yeah that’s what my doc said for CPTSD flares. Effective short term. Long term this one will sting.
Sorry Op. loss is never easy. I wish you nothing but love and support. I hope you’re surrounded by friends and family and take warmth knowing you did everything you could and he loved you dearly.
not just tetris, any game that has you scanning back & forth while solving simple puzzles. i’m playing glimmerwick rn & the potions mini game has me processing every mistake i’ve ever made
Yep, I'm really bad at Tetris and usually fail at it very, very quickly, so that game typically makes me much more stressed than I was before. Mahjong solitaire (the mahjong tile matching games) and spider solitaire games have both helped me calm down after enduring difficult things though. Maybe any somewhat simple, repetitive game that helps someone "get in the zone" might work as a short-term distraction at least.
Same. I can’t play Tetris for shit so my go-to is solitaire as well. I played it during a horrible flood while trapped in the house and it really helped. I also played old fashioned cards with my tween and kept them fairly occupied and calm-ish. OP I’m so sorry. I can’t even begin to imagine. Please take care of yourself. Find a trauma therapist if you can. Hugs from an internet stranger
OP, if you download Tetris on your phone, pay whatever you need to not get ads. I will venmo you money for you to not get ads. Ads on Tetris are terrible when you're trying to use it to get through shit
I had a very traumatic childhood, I also lived near an arcade. I played Tetris consistently, not knowing I was the theraperizing myself. I managed pretty well for 45+ years until an abusive boss triggered some deeply buried shit. I’m very good at Tetris, so needed something else. Toon Blast got me through some dark unregulated days.
Firstly, I would like to say to OP that it is NOT your fault and that you did all that you could!
Then, I agree with the above statement except I would like to clarify. What you went through was trauma AND grief. Trauma can be managed and, in a lot of cases, cured. You might need to go through a succession of different treatments before you find one that works for you, like EMDR or some such but you will get through this with intensive and appropriate help.
Grief is different for everyone but you don’t get through it like going through a dark place and then everything is wonderful on the other side. You merely learn to carry your grief and live with it so that you can go on to enjoy life in spite of it. There can be sunshine and beauty in the world that you perceive along with your grief. Don’t ever feel guilty for smiling or laughing, even while crying because grief will hit you at unexpected times and unexpected ways and that is normal.
Whatever you do, try and get professional counseling as soon as possible for BOTH the trauma and the grief. I am sure your husband loved you very much and would want you to be taken care of in every way!
OP, I lost one of my incredibly close (honestly closest), near lifelong friends very recently. I’ve been reading books about grief and arranging a support group for it. I’m going to add to this. Grief is horrific. It’s devastating. This shit wrecks you.
But sometimes, you still laugh. You still find these weird moments of joy in memories. Please don’t hate yourself for that if you do. Or if you don’t. I know I’ve laughed with other friends that were all close with my friend (and that I was close with when younger) as we connected after my friend died. We reminisced about old times and shit my best friend would have delighted in. Some of it real morbid humor. Some folks feel horrific guilt if they feel any joy or happiness or just laugh even if they aren’t happy. But your husband? He doesn’t want you stuck in perpetual hurt and anguish and grief for forever. That man wants you to find happiness and joy again, to find healing. To get through this.
So grieve and heal. You never get over grief or someone. But you move forward in grief. And you always hold them with you and are who you are for how they shaped you and carry them with you for that.
Be gentle with yourself. Know that there are no wrong answers. Idk if it’s too late to work but (unsolicited advice/story) When my friend’s spouse suddenly and violently died in a not dissimilar way (his was his heart, it was awful), the EMTs told them to play tetris and they said it helped them not to relive those traumatic moments as vividly.!<
To provide more context, Boy Meets World dealt with some heavy topics. The main character, Cory, is hugging his best friend Shawn in the gif bc that episode (if I recall correctly) is when Shawn was very close to joining a cult and Cory and Co. were doing their best to make Shawn realize he has a family that loves him.
I am so incredibly sorry OP. I can’t imagine how traumatised you must be. I hope you get some answers as to what happened to your husband, and that over time your happy memories of him will be what your mind focuses on when you think of him, and not the way he died. Love your dog, and let people be there for you. Please look into grief and trauma counselling, this is not something we’re designed to be able to handle alone. Much love to you ❤️
Oh wow, I’m speechless. I’m so so sorry for your loss, 💔 what a devastating and traumatizing experience. Life is truly unfair. Be gentle and kind to yourself while you grieve 🫂
I’m so sorry for your loss. I wish I had any words to say that would provide any comfort. I lost the love of my life almost 11 months ago. Also very tragic and unexpected. It’s a pain I wouldn’t wish on anybody, and I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. You’re not alone, sending big hugs 🫂
hey OP, I’m just guessing maybe you like silly cat pics based on your reply, so here is another photo of my own cat also sitting in a pile of her favorite junk.
my heart goes out to you so so much, I’m so sorry for your loss. this week marked 3 years since my dad’s sudden passing, when I had to make the call to end lifesaving measures, and it’s still hard to think about. Life will always be different and 3 years from now you too may be different, but I hope whatever you find on that other side is full of love and care.
i will throw a goofy picture i took of my cat a few minutes ago into the mix - her back claw got caught on the sheets, and she decided to just stay stuck like a pretzel until someone got her claw unstuck
i’m so sorry for your loss, OP. i hope you and your daughter have all the support you need and more. and if you need even more, we’re all here for you 🫂
it’s some old video game I can’t remember what it’s called but it’s a video from a channel called dungeon chill on youtube highly recommend if you need some long form content!
Excellent plan. I found a group, that helped me a lot. Just do whatever you need to. Don't worry about what you think you should want, need, or feel. There is no playbook for this.
Oh your poor daughter, I'm so sorry you are hoth going through this. I can't imagine how hard that conversation with her was. Also my mom understands what she's going thru. Her dad suddenly died at home from a heart attack when she was a teenager. She and her mom were both home when it happened too and she actually did CPR on him while her mother called emergency services.
I'm so sorry to hear that, experiencing something like that can be really difficult to move on from. During Covid-19, my grandma passed away in front of me so I definitely can relate to some degree. It will take awhile but I hope you find the courage to find peace in the future, remember to take your time to grieve in your own way.
Tetris is really useful for dealing with intrusive images especially before sleep. I think playing any video game enough can help (I know I’ve played Zelda for hours and essentially my brain played it in my head before sleep). Try grounding yourself in the present moment however you can when having intrusive thoughts. It might be helpful to keep sensory stuff on you like essential oils to smell, a fidget toy to play with, a pack of ice for panic/intense grounding.
I also want to say that PTSD-like symptoms are unfortunately normal for up to four weeks after a traumatic event. There are things you can do to help prevent PTSD, but sometimes you can do everything “right” and have lingering symptoms. Trying to find moments of peace will help, even if it’s just a millisecond.
As a former psych nurse I super up vote this, Tetris after trauma sounds fake but really there is good science behind it. Please know that helping and caring for people can also mean that they die, regardless of how hard we try. I don’t think anyone in your situation could have saved him 💜
Tetris needs to be played within 6 hours to be effective for scenarios where people risk developing PTSD responses and the literature is mixed on how it works. Just letting you and other people know. It's not as easy as just going to play Tetris.
That’s not exactly true; it is most effective when played within 6 hours of a traumatic event, but it is still effective at reducing the risk and/or severity of PTSD in patients who experience significant trauma, especially when combined with other forms of therapy.
I am so, so sorry. Sounds like he was loved beyond measure. 🫂💔
Thank you for sharing your story. I will take your words with me: "live with love and understanding towards all."
I fear this everyday with my partner - we’ve been together 5 years, married a little over 1… he struggles with random seizures and T1 diabetes, I’m so terrified of losing him one day. God I hope you’re surrounded by people you love and who love you right now, you’re strong for even still being on this earth… idk if I’d be so able… take care of yourself love, day by day 🤍
Live every moment with grace and love and be present, as best you can. Forgive more than you should when you inevitably struggle with the mental load of living with something scary and unpredictable. Sending you endless love, hope, warmth. ETA for typos
i’m sorry for your loss. i’ll never forget the screams that my mom and brother made when they tried to pick up my late father in the bathroom. he passed from a heart attack and the dispatcher didn’t get it through her head when my mom kept telling them that my father was gone and already blue with post mortem.
he was barely in his 40s at the time, he’d be 51 today. now it’s 8 years without him and i still cry over him and the little time that i had with him when he was trying to get healthy and be a better dad. i miss him dearly.
i wish you love and healing as you grieve and find yourself again. please stay hydrated and take care of yourself.
I’m so sorry for you. My eyes are watering right now. I can’t imagine the pain.
If sleeping is all you can do for now, do it.
Cry as much as you want.
You are an amazing human being, you tried everything.
I’m sure he’s not far.
I wish I could say more to you.
Big hugs
Oh sweetie. I'm so sorry. You are going to get so sick of hearing that, but it's true. My husband suddenly died at home 20 months ago too, and this is making me relive stuff. There's going to be a lot of people who can't understand this unique type of loss of the love of your life, but there's also those of us younger widows out here that do. The surprise trauma is so extra unfair. You are going to be operating in shock for a while, but that is it's own blessing. I can't do anything to make any of these shitty happenings disappear for either of us, but I am sending you lots of love and support and sit with you in your grief ❤️
Fuck that is awful. No amount of words can remedy that sort of wound. I am so heartbroken for you. I hope you find healing, go to therapy if you need it, when you're ready. Know that you have a community and safe space here. r/widowers will have people who can directly relate to your situation and offer you better comfort or advice than anyone here can, if you think that would help you. Sending all my love 🫶
My heart is absolutely shattered for you. Sending you all the love. If you DM me your venmo I'd like to send you $20. It's not much but maybe you'll want a coffee or something. Sending all of my love to you.
I don't even have words to express my grief for you, OP. I am so very, very sorry. It looks like you have family support, but please talk to a professional when you're ready. My heart is just broken for you.
Are there any friends or family you can stay with or who can come stay with you? I hate the thought of you being alone where it took place. I am so so sorry for your loss. My grandfather and great aunt (who were like my mother and father) died in my arms when I was a teenager (14&18). If you need someone to DM who may have an inkling of what you’re going through, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Sending every piece of love, light, and healing energy your way🫶
Luckily it took place in an Airbnb away from town. I am back home now. I am so sorry for your losses. My older brother has been by my side since the moment it happened. Having his quiet little noises as he works remotely in the house (like my husband did) as a backdrop sound dampens the deafening silence. Thank you so much. ETA for typos
Oh my gosh my heart breaks for you. I lost my S/O to cirrhosis when he was 35 and I was 25. It was very similar to your traumatic evening. I also slept a lot, I smoked a lot of weed. I'd let my friends come over and help me, my mom would make sure I showered. Gief is so hard. This advice isn't for right now, as I think sitting in your grief isn't a bad thing, but when you're ready EMDR therapy was the only way I was able to move forward and make that night more of a memory. It works incredibly well. I also went on just a little bit of Lexapro so I could stop crying, if that's something you're struggling with too that might be something to look into. Im sending you so much love during this unimaginably hard time 💕
Such an awful thing to have to experience. I'm sorry for your loss. Hopefully you have a strong support system in your mom and the others around you who love you.
Oh, I am so sorry for your loss and the trauma you went through. Please be gentle with yourself and know that there is no right way to grieve. Allow yourself to feel your emotions. It would be worth it to seek therapy. You deserve help to guide you through the trauma.
I’m so sorry. What a dreadful thing to have to endure, and what a heartbreaking loss. I wish you wonderful memories of him to comfort you when you are ready for them.
Damn this hit me right in the chest. My heart is breaking for you…. I can’t imagine the pain it is a nightmare. Just a nightmare. Sending the most powerful internet hug I can 🫂
Thank you for trusting us in sharing such a deeply personal and vulnerable post. I’m so sorry he was taken from you like that when things were going so well with the recovery. Sending you love and strength to weather the waves of grief.
My adult son was killed 4 months ago. I remember the first week as being fully in shock. Accept all the help that is offered, don't be afraid to ask for help, too. I'm so sorry.
I am so sorry for your loss 🫂 sleep all you need until you feel better for now. That’s a horrible ordeal you went through. May he rest in peace and always be lovingly remembered. ❤️
Jesus, this is the stuff out of nightmare. Words can’t describe how sorry I am for you. Consider counseling you are dealing with a traumatic experience and loss, both are major life changing situations. Be kind to yourself. I am so sorry for your loss
I'm so, so sorry. 😭 Sending you love. This made me tear up. Please see a therapist when you're ready, maybe
consider emdr therapy. Grief is so awful. My sincere condolences.
I am so, so sorry. I know that so, so many people will tell you that.
In case you need to hear this (sorry if it's blunt): I promise you- the pain is so real- and it is so heavy- but it will not always feel this way. You are in the absolute thick of it right now. You need your body to be warm and to have a family member with you. Sleep, sleep, sleep - eat - let yourself feel in small doses or in large waves - you are in the eye of the storm right now. This grief will not always feel this way. There is no magic combination of words that will make this okay. Your husband should still be with you. I am not saying that your grief will suddenly leave you. But I just want you to know - the love you have for your husband shines through you and will never be wasted. Grief can have you feeling blind and unable to see the way forward. Support groups may sound scary but they save lives.
This is truly heart wrenching, I’m so deeply sorry honey. Sleep as much as you can, your nervous system needs it right now 💕 soup looks super yummy, I’m glad you have loved ones with you during all of this. Please know you’ll be in my thoughts and I’m sending you all my love 💕😭
I have no words that can do anything for you from what is undoubtedly an incredible distance. I do hope that time and therapy and love will patch this wound enough to be bearable. I can't and don't want to imagine. Sending love and compassion and condolences.
Oh my god, there are no words to express my horror and sadness on your behalf. Your poor husband. I'm so sorry for you and your dog, and any other family that he's left behind.
My heart goes out to you, OP. Be gentle with yourself and when you’re ready, please do find a therapist or counselor who can help you through this. Big hugs to you. 💗
Sending so, so much love. Please feel free to just randomly blow up my DMs with vents if you need. No preamble or anything needed, just start screaming at the universe in my inbox. I'll listen and I won't judge a single bit no matter what you say. ❤️
Oh love, my heart truly aches for you 💔 I’m deeply sorry for your loss. The impact he had in this world and the void he leaves behind is felt by all of us as we send you digital hugs and condolences. It goes without saying that he was blessed to have loved and been loved by you.
I’m so sorry. Idk if it would be any help but on Tik Tok there’s a woman named Tania Alexis Pomroy. She lost her wife suddenly at a young age and posts about dealing with the grief and trying to do life after losing your person. Having videos from someone who understands what you’re going through to an extent might help a tad. Sending you all of the love.
I’m so so sorry 😞 how fucking life alteringly traumatic. Horrific. I hate that you had to experience this. I hate that your last memories are full of such trauma. I hope with time all of your memories of him are lovely and happy and an accurate depiction of your time together. ❤️❤️❤️
I’m so incredibly sorry. I cannot imagine the trauma you must be going through. My heart is with you and your family. Please play Tetris as much as you can while this is still fresh, it has been found to help the brain process traumatic experiences. Sending you so much love.
Oh, sweet OP, my heart aches for you, your daughter*, and your pup. I’m so, so sorry for your loss. Please be gentle with yourself and your healing, take all the time you need, and consider speaking with a therapist to help you work through everything. ❤️
ETA: Just saw you have a daughter, editing her in.
I’m so very sorry. I had an experience similar to this many years ago with my mother in law. The impact on me really hit later. I mean, I grieved immediately but the impact of the way she died continued to destroy me for a long time.
You’re probably not ready now, but when you are, make sure you get yourself taken care of.
If and only if you are up for it I live on a hill and the top of it has a crown of 200 year old pines and has the most gorgeous views of the sunset. It would be an honor to place some flowers there for him.
I lost my mum to primary biliary cirrhosis. It was the cruelest disease from diagnosis to death. I’m so sorry you are going through this big hugs to you ❤️
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