r/GirlDinnerDiaries • u/techno_milk Risked it for the Biscuit š« • 13d ago
Trigger Warning ā ļø GF is obsessed w/ her stalker and it ended our relationship
Meatless nuggets with leftover tikka masala curry sauce
I want to preface and say that Iām very tired and sad and confused and not completely sober, so if anything sounds insensitive in some way, I donāt mean it to at all. I have nothing but love for my ex and Iāll always love her. Sheās the most amazing person Iāve ever met and none of this is her fault, she was being abused and manipulated. I just needed to process out loud because I feel like Iām going to go crazy if it just keeps bouncing around in my head. Sorry for the inevitable typos too.. Anyway.
TLDR now-ex girlfriend (28F) and I (26F) are no longer together after six years because her psychosexual fixation on her stalker got to be too much and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
For some backstory, gf and I met while I was in college and we became best friends immediately. Iāve never connected with another person on the level I did with her and vice versa, including extremely niche interests and experiences I had no idea any other person alive could relate to. She told me I made her believe in soulmates and we were inseparable. About a year later, we started dating. For a year of friendship and five years of dating, we supported each other, had fun together, made each other better people, and did everything we could to improve each otherās lives. We built a beautiful life together, but three years into this, she decided she needed to move back home to help her parents because her fatherās health had become very bad.
I was totally against it because her parents are active drug addicts and her childhood was quite traumatic because of it, but she felt like it was her duty to help. I wanted to be together no matter what, so we went long distance and it was going really well for a while. I was sad about the distance, but we were happy, we spoke every day, and the relationship was strong. She wasnāt comfortable with me visiting and being anywhere near her parents (that had always been a boundary for her so it wasnāt a surprise even though I was sad), but the agreement was that whenever her father passed, she would come back.
When it became obvious he wasnāt going to die particularly soon, she started a yearlong trade program at the local college in her dream field and she immediately took a liking to the program director who taught many of the classes. It was VERY mutual, and he was a dad in his mid-40s so he really took her under his wing. She adored him from day one and he was very fatherly to her which is something sheād always been desperate for, not to mention mentoring her in her passion and really making her his protege at the school. She gushed about him constantly and how he was like the positive father figure she never had and about how good it felt to have someone like that care about her so much.
As Iām sure you can imagine, the program director started crossing some boundaries after a couple months of this. He would spend hours talking with her in his office, heād ask extremely personal questions, he talked to her outside of class using his personal phone, and eventually his behavior became very sexually charged.
I was aware of some of this and was very concerned, but all she could talk about initially was how amazing it was to be so close to this guy and have him think so highly of her. Things eventually escalated enough though that she broke down and admitted that she knew he obviously saw her in a romantic and sexual manner and she just didnāt want to accept it before. She also admitted to me that it had been an even bigger problem and for longer than sheād let on because she knew I would worry about her and try to get involved.
She wouldnāt leave the program that meant so much to her, so she just decided to keep him at an armās length and ignore him until he lost interest. Obviously that didnāt work, and long story short his behavior only got more extreme until it became a cycle of āus against the worldā lovebombing to reel her in and then retaliating and being extremely cruel and even scary when she tried to distance herself. I finally convinced her to report him to the school, which she hadnāt wanted to do before because she still didnāt want anything bad to happen to him (this should have been a hint at where things were headed).
Since she had the texts and voicemails, he was terminated, but things didnāt stop there. He continued with the fucked up cycle and I just had to watch it happen from thousands of miles away while she made excuses for him tracking down her personal information and following her around town and blackmailing her with their text messages and making threats to harm himself. Every time I would reach a breaking point and tell her I was coming down there to help and wanted to at least try to get the police involved, she would backpedal and tell me it was all just about handled/resolved now in one way or another. I stopped believing her, but you canāt really force a grown woman to do anything.
From the moment they met, this man is ALL she talked about, so as all this progressed, we drifted apart quite a bit because the only thing she cared about was obsessing over him and how things were going with him, good or bad. It was like listening to someone talk about their insane toxic relationship they wouldnāt leave and I just didnāt want to hear it anymore if she was completely unwilling to accept any help. I didnāt want to hear her artistic journal entries about him anymore, I didnāt want to read the poems she wrote about the situation, I didnāt want to listen to her romanticize his weird, scary bullshit and then freak out the next day about how much she hated him and then go right back to talking about how their darkness was intertwined and they were two fucked up halves of a whole.
We never officially Took A Break, but we spoke very little for a few months because I just couldnāt take it anymore and she was busy with whatever was going on with him anyway. It finally came to a head when I told her how much I missed her and how I really wanted to improve our relationship again and get back to how things used to be (hoping that she would finally be ready to at least commit to cutting him off, we could deal with whatever his response was later).
She agreed that she missed me too and that she was as rid of him as possible, but immediately after, she started telling me how she had been on Tinder matching with men who looked like him. She told me she had been thinking about sleeping with them to try to āfigure something outā and that she thought it would help her understand her own feelings towards him and get it out of her system.
She told me all that without even seeming to realize how that sounded to me as her girlfriend. And it was even more disturbing to me because she had always identified unquestionably as a lesbian in the past, so I was extra blindsided and confused and worried. It was like she was so brainwashed by him that she didnāt even remember who she was anymore outside of all this or who I was to her. I went from her future wife she was showing rings and wedding dresses on Pinterest to a passive receptacle to talk to about her obsession with a middle aged man who seemed one bad day away from kidnapping her.
I didnāt even get angry or break up with her right then because I felt too defeated. I just kind of gave up and let our relationship fade away, hoping she would show back up if I wasnāt the one reaching out. She didnāt though, and she hasnāt for a long time. I donāt think heās around at all anymore, but she just moved on. It feels like the whole thing lobotomized her or something and itās like we were never a couple and never planned a whole future together. He just wiped her brain and I donāt know how to move on from that. And even if we canāt be together, I hope sheās at least Herself again because sheās amazing and I canāt stand the thought that anything of who she is was taken from her.
We talk once in a while now, but only if I initiate the conversation and you would never know we were more than casual friends by how she talks to me. I ask about her, but she never asks about me and eventually she stops replying again. Sheās always kind, but it feels like thereās some wall between us now that will never go away and I donāt even fully understand why itās there or how we got here. I miss her even when sheās right there talking to me. I donāt think sheās ever coming back north.
Edit: I want to add that while it doesnāt change that this is all insane and fucked up, Iām always looking at her behavior through the lens of the CSA she experienced and abuse sheād had in her life before we met. I think sheās very unwell and I definitely ended up in FAFO āI can fix herā situation, but I really need to emphasize that I struggle to imagine that anything was malicious or intentionally hurtful to me on her end. I think I just underestimated how much help she needed and got lulled into a false sense of security by how long we were together before anything happened that showed that reality.
Edit: adding this from a comment I made to clarity that this was absolutely not a pattern of behavior or anything! Before all of this, she was a totally different person: āShe was genuinely a great partner for a vast majority of our relationship. She stuck with me through three college degrees even when I couldnāt show up for her as often as she was showing up for me, she supported me in my sobriety even when I needed a LOT of that support, she took over everything I needed when I was grieving my grandmother, she never took any of her issues out on me and worked hard at doing that. She was wonderful to me, which is what makes all of this so hard.ā
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u/bruteforcegrl Overthinker š 13d ago
It's been harder to process this loss because of how ambiguous and dragged out over time it was. That is, it's not like a breakup where you can grieve and move on. People experience this when loved ones are ill over a long period of time before dying. You need to grieve this loss which includes seeing how this person had many problematic parts-- probably a function of her dysfunctional family of origin. She sounds decidedly NOT amazing in many, many ways. Being furious that she threw your relationship away for nothing or worse than nothing, actually, would probably be part of that grieving process.
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u/techno_milk Risked it for the Biscuit š« 13d ago
Thatās definitely the worst part. The lack of closure makes that 1% chance feel like something to hold onto. Part of the reason I made the post here is to try to kick that feeling. Makes it more final to talk about it like this. And yes, absolutely. Things were good for so long, but I absolutely cannot fix her it seems.
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u/0hn0shebettad0nt Barbecutie 13d ago edited 12d ago
My therapist gave me this piece of advice. No one can give you closure. You have to create it for yourself. This person has provided useful (and consistent) information that you can use for that closure.
They never let you meet their family. They stopped interacting with you. They enjoyed the attention of a creepy older man. They havenāt been focus on you for quite a while.Youāve been given this information. Now itās on you to choose* what to do with it. And you have the power to close that chapter.
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u/Shadowpriest Foraging Bog Witch 13d ago
Very sage advice. OP's situation has been a long and exhausting drag and this is what they're left with. Gotta make sense with and make peace with it and move on. OP's ex will find out on their own over time but OP can't just be hanging on in suspense if their ex doesn't take a step back and see for themselves this is going poorly and as a result ended the relationship a long time ago while being in denial.
Whether the ex is looking for comfort, being manipulated, whatever, it's been long no longer OP's circus to deal with. They're all adults and making their decisions so I'd leave that past. It's way too much even for me reading through it. I hope OP does get a bit of therapy because this is a lot.
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u/0hn0shebettad0nt Barbecutie 13d ago
Just reading one paragraph had me STRESSED. Life is full of BS and stress. Some of it you canāt choose. When you have the chance to CHOOSE what stressors you can deal with, choose YOU!
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u/Lopsided_Panic_1148 Lover of Soups 13d ago
Exactly. And closure often doesn't happen when you're trying to make it happen. Years and years ago I broke up with a guy because I found out he was married, but separated. I broke it off with him and tried so hard to forget him. He and I got along so, so well. We were like two peas in a pod and I felt safe with him. I compared him to every other man I was with after that, and found every man wanting. No one could compare to him.
Ten, fifteen years go by and our paths crossed again. He was finally divorced and gave me proof of that. I had pined for him for so long, I couldn't believe my luck in finding him again! Now we were free to be together!
Not.
We met up for a "first" date, and he did something so out of character from what I remembered, that I couldn't get past it. It was something really, really bad, but I won't mention it here. I was thankful I had brought my own car, it was that bad. He didn't do anything to me, but what he did could have endangered me.
I left that night wondering if I'd been in love with the idea of him for all those years instead of who he actually was. Or, if he'd changed so much during that time that he was no longer the man I'd been in love with. Who knows.
In any event, I realized then and there that I had grown but he had not and the attraction instantly faded. And that was the closure I needed to move on and find a healthy relationship with a good and decent man.
A year later, I found that man, and we've been together for 18 years now. Couldn't be happier.
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u/0hn0shebettad0nt Barbecutie 12d ago
No. I completely disagree. It happens when you want to make it happen. You can choose to close a chapter.
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u/Lopsided_Panic_1148 Lover of Soups 11d ago
It can happen, but I've found that it doesn't always work that way, at least, not with me.
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u/furkfurk Carb-Based Life Form 13d ago
Youāre still making a ton of excuses for her sadly though, theyāre all over this post and in your comments.
You call her amazing. Would an amazing person just slow quit their loving partner of years? Would they (likely) cheat with their professor and then openly speak about their deep obsession with them? Would they talk freely about being on tinder to find men like him to sleep with? If this was happening to any of your friends, what would you say?
Iām also confused how you never directly asked her or said something. Like āhey dude weāre in a relationship, why are you on tinder?ā Or āyouāre saying this guy is the other half to your whole, I thought that was me? Are we even still dating?ā
And on that note - it seems like that is the way your ex bonds with people. In an all-encompassing, we are soul mates, canāt believe we found each other way. And then she drifts off to her next āsoulmateā. I would try to view the bonds you had with her initially from that perspective, that perhaps they werenāt as authentic as they seemed, and she is just really mentally unwell and forms intense bonds too quickly that she doesnāt have the emotional depth to sustain. Maybe she even mirrors peopleās interests and personalities in order to feel that type of connection.
Regardless, you are soooo much better than this mess. I get she has a sad past, but at some point, you have to be an adult and take responsibility for your current actions. And you cannot let her continue to drown you. Youāve gotta cut her off and stop contacting her. If that means deleting her number and all of her socials, do it. But you donāt deserve this, no one does.
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u/sloanesquared Kitchen Witch 12d ago
It sounds like the ex is a ārelationship chameleonā. This is a well-documented pattern that is often exhibited by someone who has experienced abuse. When they are in a relationship, they change everything about themselves to match their partner. Their interests, their likes, their behavior, their personality, etc. This behavior makes their partner feel like they have found a kindred spirit or soul mate, and they can attract some intense partners like the teacher. They may not even realize they are doing it either. Then they move on to their next fixation and become that personās colors. The ex needs really intensive therapy to deal with all of their issues, and OP could do with some too to get over this experience!
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u/KiloJools LET ME EAT CAKE š° 12d ago
I had the exact same thoughts about how the ex and OP were so intensely close so quickly, even with shared super-niche interests. This relationship would not have truly lasted even if the ex hadn't gone home and fallen in obsession with her teacher. It sounds to me like it was never fully genuine. Especially if it started when they were both about twenty years old.
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u/Rough-Ad1868 Cleavage Crumb Collector 12d ago
Everyone is giving advice, but it might be good to send a final, goodbye forever text and block her on everything. Having some finality, no open door, etc. will help, it'll hurt, but it will help
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u/MzJackpots APPROVEDāØ 13d ago
Iām think the next step is realizing that ā1% chanceā you are holding on to does not exist. Sheās not coming back to this relationship, and if she did try to come back you absolutely should not take her back after the way she treated you. The door is closed 100% regardless of if she ever wants to be with you again or not. She is not your soulmate. Your future is with someone else. Good luck and I wish you well. ā¤ļø
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u/NeuroSam š¶ļø Spice Girl š¶ļø 13d ago
Yeah thereās a bunch of psychological mix and match happening in her brain rn because of her circumstances and itās obvious she lacks the mental clarity to untangle any of that right now.
Unfortunately OP you canāt do that for her. If you still want her in your life, you need to decide whether your mental health can withstand supporting someone through a crisis like this. A clean break of some sort would probably be best for you. Thereās a bunch of idioms that fit in your situation so Iāll give you this, you can fish for a thirsty horse but youāll probably all end up on fire
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u/elbenji Queer Queen š³ļøāš 13d ago edited 13d ago
Girlie I'm gonna be blunt but only because you need to hear it and this place can be too gentle when other women do us wrong
She cheated on you. Full stop. Probably with him. It was already a problem from the jump when she didn't even entertain going back to you when her Dad wasn't dying and refused to let you go to her. Boundaries are suggestions, not forcing your GF to be long distance the entire relationship and then utilizing it to force distance.
She's a grown ass woman. Like ffs, she's even older than you. She made her own choices and an amazing person isn't going to emotionally AND physically cheat on you. Who the fuck tells their GF they're on tinder!? You're worth more than that.
And yeah reading this you need therapy as well for the trauma and self esteem. Abuse and trauma isn't an excuse to traumatize and hurt others, and I understand wanting to help but Ive had a girlfriend like this too and I eventually had to accept she was grown up enough to understand she was doing this intentionally and I wasn't going to save her. So you just gotta cut her off completely. Block her. Let her do what she wants. She isn't a child being preyed upon. She's almost 30. Don't infantilize her decisions.
Also wait you haven't talked in a while and you talked? Huh?
Regardless, you gotta stop making excuses for her lol. She checked out and broke up with you, she just didn't tell you. He didn't lobotomize her, she just fucked you over
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u/ladystarkitten APPROVEDāØ 13d ago
I concur. I have a family of alcoholics, and I take measures to ensure that no one I date ever meets them. But that is not an excuse to have my partner never visit me, even when I was living with my alcoholic mother. Hotels exist, Airbnbs exist. Sounds like a fishy excuse to keep her life separate from OP and ensure that OP never sees the truth of what she's up to.
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u/Something_creative_4 leave the man, take the cannoli 10d ago
I also had bad vibes as soon as the GF was adamant that OP couldnāt visitālike no alt solutions considered at all. Iām sorry OP, I canāt imagine how this feels. I hope youāre able to process and move on
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u/crowtheory APPROVEDāØ 13d ago edited 13d ago
Girl, I hate to break it to you but these two have been in a full on romantic relationship right from the rip. The story sheās telling you and what was actually occurring are two completely different things. And she was able to get away with it because how could you possibly find out? Youāre states away and have no other source of information you can cross reference stories with. It sounded like listening to someone talk about their insane toxic relationship because you were literally listening to her talk about her insane toxic relationship, like you were her gal pal she could vent to and not her girlfriend. Which, if weāre being real, it doesnāt seem she really meaningfully considered you to be for an extremely long time.
This man was not her stalker. He was her toxic, shitty (ex) boyfriend. I promise you they were in a relationship with each other. Stalking victims do not engage, encourage, or willingly interact with their stalkers. They donāt gab or gush on the phone about them to others, they donāt propose fucking their stalker (who she was already fucking but tweaked that tidbit for her purposes surrounding you) for experimental purposes to try to figure out how he thinks, whatever be the fuck that means, and they certainly donāt write unhinged, deranged two halves of a whole poetry about their stalker. Matter fact, who hereās the stalker again??? Him or her?
They were together and they were in love from the sounds of it. These kinds of toxic relationships tend to take on a mutually self amplifying and obsessive life of their own (see Taylor frankie Paul and Dakota) where both partners become totally irrational because they become literally, chemically addicted to the dopamine highs and lows of the relationship. Itās not unlike a drug fiend always seeking their next score. Itās exactly what youāre describing here of them both acting like psychos. You just donāt know the full truth.
She fizzled out with you because he became her primary partner and she didnāt feel like keeping up the charade with you anymore so she could focus on their toxic, crazy nonsense.
Please do not ever contact her again, for your own sake. This entire thing is so batshit and she emotionally played you like a fiddle. Thereās a reason she had the boundary of you never visiting. If you visited then you could verify and she couldnāt have you do that. Not just because she didnāt want you to find out the truth, but because Iām willing to bet she feared her stalker-not-boyfriend finding out about you too. Then thereād really be some explaining to do.
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u/sweet_pickles12 Cleavage Crumb Collector 13d ago
This is absolutely the case. This man never stalked her.
OP, Iām very sorry but reading your post makes me think your girlfriend was never a lesbian and she was using you to experiment. She wonāt let you come home with her because her family doesnāt know sheās been dating a woman. I could be wrong but reading your post makes me think when she went home, she āwent backā to being straight and had to tell you this guy was stalking her so you wouldnāt know what was really happening.
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u/techno_milk Risked it for the Biscuit š« 13d ago
I completely understand what youāre saying and why, and I agree that the whole thing is insane and fucked up and I need to stay away from her, but at the very least I do know that the stalking was real. From the beginning Iād seen the texts and voicemails, spoken with her friends who were in class with her when things were happening, and everything is documented in the case with the school leading to his termination. Unfortunately sheās just very unwell and someone who has never received the help she needs after her past trauma. She did a lot of messed up things in this situation, but I did want to clarify that at least.
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u/Wooden-Limit1989 APPROVEDāØ 13d ago
He was definitely inappropriate for having a relationship with a student. That would be cause for termination. Maybe he was obsessed with her but at this point seems like they were mutually obsessed with each other for a longer period than he was ever a 'stalker' to her.
But framing it as he was her stalker and she is just a victim is gonna lead to you still holding on and wanting to save her.
She led you on big time unfortunately.
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u/inkyflossy Internet Auntie 13d ago
Girl, what she wanted you to believe and what is real seem to be worlds and worlds apart
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u/anti__thesis šŖæ feeding the soft animal of my body 12d ago
Honey, stalking is when the object of attention doesnāt want the attention. Your ex girlfriend was 100% participating in this whole thing, whether the behavior was appropriate or not. It may have been an emotional nightmare for her, but she was still engaging with and encouraging this connection.
If it was truly stalking and unwanted she would have taken more steps to stop him rather than making half assed excuses. Iām not trying to say she deserved any of this, because none of this is healthy, but you GOTTA stop seeing her as some sort of passive victim of this manās obsession. She lied to you for a LONG time and actively deceived you and she is responsible for ruining your relationship.
Whatever good things she did earlier in the relationship do not excuse her recent behavior. Please unpack this shit with a therapist and learn about setting and keeping boundaries.
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u/neeshes APPROVEDāØ 12d ago
Is she from or influenced by a different culture? This type of behaviour is unfortunately more common in situations where culture/complicated upbringing adds another layer of complexity.Ā
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u/secretniwa š¶ļø Spice Girl š¶ļø 13d ago edited 13d ago
genuinely what I thought too.... sorry OP, but it sounds like she was actively trying to get rid of you without directly saying it too.
ETA -- there isn't any description anywhere about how OP's gf is even good or amazing. just that they connected well. you can do that with anyone.
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u/techno_milk Risked it for the Biscuit š« 13d ago
It was already a really long post so I wasnāt going to go into any more backstory, but she was genuinely a great partner for a vast majority of our relationship. She stuck with me through three college degrees even when I couldnāt show up for her as often as she was showing up for me, she supported me in my sobriety even when I needed a LOT of that support, she took over everything I needed when I was grieving my grandmother, she never took any of her issues out on me and worked hard at doing that. She was wonderful to me, which is what makes all of this so hard.
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u/Pseudocomedian Plate Scraper 13d ago
OP Iām sorry but there are some serial cheaters out there who can easily show up for you when youāre the busy one. It seems she is a master manipulator. That man did take advantage of her but something in her behavior led him on to understand her enough to brainwash her. Sheās probably only giving her friend the same side youāre given to make her case stronger and not take accountability. She couldnāt even do you the decency of ending the relationship with you and giving you closure. You deserve so much more.
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u/fsocietyy š§Salty By Nature 12d ago
came here to comment this too, she wasn't in a relationship with OP, she was dating "stalker"
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u/eatingfartingdonnie_ š„¢ Dumpy By Dumplings š„ 12d ago
yeah like, who writes poetry about their stalker in any kind of positive way????
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u/jfsindel what that mouth do is gossip 13d ago
Yeah, once I read that she basically started gabbing and gushing about him on the phone and writing poetry about him, this was not a stalking case. She was in a relationship with a shitty man (probably his side piece because he was most likely married).
Nothing OP wrote sounded like a stalker. If anything, it sort of like sounded she became obsessed with him and it fed into each other.
It sounds more like at the end, the ex-GF actually forgot she was supposed to be in a relationship with OP or thoughts they already broke up.
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u/HowIsThatMyProblem Femininom(nomnomnom)enon 9d ago
Ever watch Baby Reindeer? Perfect example of how someone who has sexual trauma can obsess over their stalker in the way OP describes.
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u/thors-beergut Well-Read & Well-Fed 13d ago edited 13d ago
Thereās a wall up between you guys because sheās not interested and probably hasnāt been for a long time.
From everything youāve said here the guy is certainly a freak stalker, but it sounds like she has always been flattered by his intensity and seemed to entertain and like him back enough that all her tastes changed to fit his physical type and he became important to her. Hell, even with him out of the picture she still took to dating around, why? Because sheās moved on.
Honestly, I think itās time for you to just cut her off completely. Sheās far enough away so that you wont need to worry about running into her and she barely replies anywayābut it will definitely help you finally let go of her and your past relationship when sheās blocked.
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u/yeahyeahyeah188 white girl with āļøš a full spice cabinet 13d ago
Thereās like a psychology thesis in her behaviour and relationship with that man, and none of it is your problem anymore. You gotta run, not walk, RUN away from idealising this relationship and this girl. Iām sorry you went through all this, but itās time to close the door and look after yourself! Sheās got a lot of issues and sheās probably never going to be a good partner. You deserve more.
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u/techno_milk Risked it for the Biscuit š« 13d ago
I have to agree with that.. I was flabbergasted I didnāt even know this was an option or something that could happen. I guess it can though. I wish her the best, but that was too fucking much.
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u/BugbearBro Enby with Food Envy 13d ago
Wow, this sounds kind of nuts. I'm sorry it happened. From my side it reads like she did cheat, but you also knew her better than I. I know you love her, but you deserve to have a stable partner who makes you the priority.Ā
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u/techno_milk Risked it for the Biscuit š« 13d ago edited 13d ago
I definitely wonāt be the naive idiot who says Thereās No Way to their partner physically cheating, but I guess I do doubt it just because of her past trauma? She had never had consensual sex when we met because of it and it took her a very long time to feel safe enough to do anything with me. But itās possible if she was in a bad enough mindset something could have happened. I guess it doesnāt matter though because itās definitely over.
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u/crowtheory APPROVEDāØ 13d ago edited 13d ago
Her past sexual trauma and the nature of your sexual relationship with her shouldnāt be given a lot of weight in extending doubt of how capable you think she was of physically cheating. Sex is fickle and oneās relationship with it always has the potential for change and (d)evolution, with their attitude and desire for it even being contingent on who the person theyāre having sex with is. Each sexual experience with a new person is an inherently unique one and sexual behaviors with one partner doesnāt determine if theyāll be reflected with another.
Iām not saying thatās what happened here, it very well could not be the case, but I do think itās important perspective to consider.
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u/Redaktorinke FREE MOM HUGS 13d ago
I hate to say it, but this is how sex worked for you two because you respect boundaries and her mental health. He doesn't, so things probably got physical very quickly in a way that I would not describe as fully consensual.
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u/retrozebra š§Salty By Nature 13d ago edited 13d ago
I donāt think you can trust anything she tells you unfortunately. She has shown sheās unstable and at the very least, sheās entirely inappropriate (telling you sheās on Tinder and having sexual fantasies about someone is not normal behavior towards your significant other). I honestly wonder what else she hasnāt told you.
I second the suggestion for therapy.
It seems like youāre still putting her on a pedestal or viewing her as a victim with no control over the situation.
I hope you reach a point where you can view this situation honestly (for your own peace of mind). You wonāt find closure or honesty from her.
Hang in there OP š
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u/jupiter3rd š¤š©·Lesbian Loremasterš©·š¤ 13d ago
I feel like part of why this has become such torture is because you never received closure. She didnāt break up with you, and you didnāt break up with her. While obviously the relationship is over given what youāve said, the fact that it hasnāt been stated in writing gives your mind and heart false hope that something can be salvaged and that you are still connected.
For your sake, I think you should either break up formally, or if you donāt think you have the courage to put it in writing then you need to block or permanently ghost. The more you leave this situation in this vague grey area, the more painful it feels and the harder it is to move on.
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u/musicteac-her Yappy Yenta 13d ago
I agree. Even if it seems unnecessary at this point, i think a formal āi dont want to speak to you anymore, have a nice lifeā might be cathartic because it feels like an actual ending
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u/Existing_Mud4708 APPROVEDāØ 12d ago
I was looking for this comment. OP you need to officially break up with her or at least put and end to your communication and saying that explicitly to her. It doesn't matter if at this point is obvious that you're not together anymore. Verbalizing this will help you to make the transition to this new reality.Ā
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u/SilverConversation19 š¤š©·Lesbian Loremasterš©·š¤ 12d ago
>none of this is her fault.
All of this is her fault.
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u/KitchenAd9088 APPROVEDāØ 13d ago
I think you need a lot of time and space away and growth to see this for what it really was/is.
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u/katikiti the secret ingredient is autismāØ 13d ago
In some strange way I relate so heavily to everything you wrote even though my circumstances were technically different. But the ending/my reasoning/the murky lack of closure/etc. were the same for me. And there are some slightly eerily similar details I can spot too so without writing out my whole personal lesbian tragedy, let me just tell you that Iāve been out of that relationship for 2 years and Iāve come to realize my ex is one of the most manipulative, calculated, disturbed people Iāve ever met and Iām so lucky to be out of those circumstances. For so long she was what I thought was the perfect, most supportive, comforting partner, my soulmate who I was essentially engaged toā¦ and by the end of it I had no friends left, no community to turn to once she cheated on me with a man she supposedly had a very complicated relationship with and who she claimed to dislike (š), there was a significant hole blown through my finances, my career was nowhere what it used to be when we got together and my self-esteem was nonexistent.
Of course, Iām not a brainless baby and my own lack of boundaries and understanding of safety were significant contributing factors but these downfalls were all caused by years of manipulation and tightening of her control over me until she sucked me dry, lost interest and jumped ship entirely to that man she used to always complain to me about (in the same gleefully self-gratifying way that you describe). Iām saying all of this because one of the things that hurt the most was the lack of clarity and closure, paired with my idealization of our relationship and the unwavering understanding & loyalty I had for her no matter what she put me through. I recognize patterns of this in your words too. This led me to develop so much distrust in myself and then also led to a complete dissolution of my beliefs about human connection and the vision I had for my future which was traumatic in its own right and led to a lengthy mental breakdown & an almost deadly path of self-destruction.
So because I donāt think anyone else should ever go through that, let me tell you: she is not who she wanted you to believe she is, she was mistreating you and itās not your fault. Youāre not losing a once in a lifetime amazing connection by closing the door on her, youāre just freeing yourself from a super draining source of confusion and toxicity, and thus making space for relationships with people who actually care about you and value you. Focus on healing yourself because you owe it to yourself. You are the best friend and lover youāll ever meet and having a good relationship with yourself is invaluable; any person who gets in the way of that is not worth keeping a light on for. If you ever need to talk to someone who has been through a weirdly similar situation, my inbox is open <3 you got this
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u/Swimming-Western-543 LET ME EAT CAKE š° 12d ago
I was thinking a lot of the sentiments you expressed too.
The most manipulative, toxic people I have ever met "clicked" with me immediately. Felt like soulmates then jumped ship when they found a "better" person to be obsessed with.
It's not your fault OP. She didn't change, she just showed you who she really is.
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u/Generalnussiance Professional Nibbler 13d ago
So this is awful Iām so sorry. I wonder if she had severe trauma prior in her life and this guy hit all her trauma buttons.
I personally would have left her the moment she moved back to a drug infested house and long distance. No good can come from that.
I know first hand my parents are that way. I wonāt even visit them dying as they didnāt care for me living.
I know itās hard now but Iād stop talking to her completely. Give yourself full closure and time to heal your wounds.
It wasnāt you. I know that doesnāt make it easier but the worst is gone now. I hope you settle and find peace.
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u/techno_milk Risked it for the Biscuit š« 13d ago
I just edited my post to add that context, yes. She was victim of CSA and grooming and had a terrible upbringing. This guy was the perfect person to take advantage of her history. Thank you for being so kind, I really appreciate it!
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u/Generalnussiance Professional Nibbler 13d ago
I wish you nothing but the best. And even her tbh. How are you doing now? Are you ok? I hope you have a nice support group and great friends and family to be around and lift your spirits. You deserve that.
The truth about trauma is predators can spot it and exploit it at will. Especially if there hasnāt been therapy and skill development. So I donāt think negatively of her either. Just wanted t say that. I hope she gets the healing she needs too.
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u/techno_milk Risked it for the Biscuit š« 13d ago
Thank you, I really really appreciate that. Iām doing fine and have great people to talk to, itās one of those things that I donāt really think about until it hits out of nowhere for a bit. Tonight was one of those nights I guess
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u/Generalnussiance Professional Nibbler 13d ago
Itās ok. Thatās your brain telling you that the feelings are unresolved a Iād encourage you to question your inner self and why it keeps bringing the situation up. Sometimes I realize that my inner voice that sounds dark and awful is often my brain acknowledging something and trying to console myself. Like, over exaggerated a scenario to show a metaphor of my over reaction for example. For me to see how silly those thoughts look when portrayed, just as an example of course not saying that for you and your situation.
I found that when I have the hard talks with myself that inner voice finally settles and so does my feelings and rampant wild imagination. I hope that can be true for you.
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u/AliceDrinkwater02 Body By Cheese š§ 13d ago
This sounds like a situation involving the child of addicts (who may very well be an addict herself) who hasnāt done the work to recognize how chaos and toxicity is whatās most comfortable to her. Sheās going to choose it every time.
This has nothing to do with you or any relationship you were offering; you will always be too stable and healthy for her.
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u/evilapple52 š« Beans & Rice & Everything Nice š® 13d ago
What stands out to me is how you said she helped you with your sobriety, but in your post you mentioned you were not sober. Traumatic events and grief can always be a trigger for relapse. Do you have a sponsor who you can touch base with? Go to a meeting or therapy or whatever works for you. Remember that you deserve care too and there are people out there who will give you the support you need.
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u/ml291269 white girl with āļøš a full spice cabinet 13d ago
darling this all sounds incredibly traumatic for you as well. Rest and give yourself space to heal.
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u/Miss-Helle Snack Goblin 13d ago
TLDR now-ex girlfriend (28F) and I (26F) are no longer together after six years because her psychosexual fixation on her stalker got to be too much and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
Kinda sounds like her fault. She seemed more interested in this man than you, and you chased her on her way out, trying to find any way to hold on to something she clearly no longer wanted.
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u/DoubleoSavant APPROVEDāØ 12d ago
I think she's an addict just like her parents. She found addiction in that relationship.Ā
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u/khalexie1 hot girls have tummy troubles 12d ago
even before when she was with OP, becoming instant āsoulmatesā and picking out wedding rings is classic obsessive behavior. itās really common with people who grew up with abusive parents sadly.
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u/SlightAnything4909 eat hot chipāļø be bisexualāļø 10d ago
I had a friend with unmanaged BPD growing up and OP's GF's behavior immediately brought up so many memories.
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u/Reasonable_Ad9450 Snack Goblin 13d ago
This is an insane story. I am so sorry. Unfortunately it doesnāt sound like sheās been your girlfriend for a really long time and she just never explicitly told you, which is fucked up and weird. I would advise you to go no contact with her and focus on your own healing.
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u/maywellflower chismosa, metiche, en bata 13d ago
Please stop reaching out / initiating contact with her - she is a toxic mess playing only shitty ass mind games on both you & her stalker. Just quietly ghost her, no need to make announcement nor even do a break up because you know she will never reach out to you 1st for while and when she does it will be months later next year where you can legit say "We're over, you talked so much about him I thought he was your boyfriend. So who am I stand & be include in that mess. May you & him be happy together, but you & I are over."
Just saying, I know you're hurting and maybe therapy will help - but what you truly need to do is to drop the rope and stop being the third wheel she using to dump her respective trauma & obsession on. You need the distance & time away from her to recover from using you and taking advantage of kindness, patience & overall tolerance to bullshit and stupidity - that's my take on your situation from personal experience of dealing of users & takers, because your ex is definitely at least a user of emotional vampire using at least one person as free therapist /relationship soundboard variety. I wish you well and hope you eventually mend your heart & soul as best you can because what she has done has definitely done so much harm to you.
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u/PensionTemporary200 APPROVEDāØ 12d ago
Hm. I don't know your gf and it sounds like even a mystery to you but I think the long distance, plus the triggering aspect of being around her toxic drug addicted family causing her to regress mentally to a more vulnerable state, and then trauma bonding with this guy because he seemed a surrogate father figure/then betrayed her trapped her in this trauma bonded state because she's reliving trauma from CSA through him. It actually sounds like she may be having some kind of mental health episode-- perhaps she's showing signs of BPD or CPTSD, or some kind of mental break--- or perhaps she's doing drugs now??
Her artistic journal entries and obsession about this guy sound insane. Something about the fact he initially gave her love and was a father figure in this program that was her dream clearly was deeply important to her and made her feel validated in some deep deep way that made what happened addictive. It sounds like that attention was addictive and she's confused by the fact part of her did like it and was sexually attracted to him. And yeah part of that could be reliving sexual trauma, or seeking to "redo" something. And she could genuinely be questioning her sexuality. I don't entirely understand it but having been in abusive relationships or chased after unavailable people, there is something addictive about re-hashing a situation that feels traumatizing for you because you just can't accept it/believe if you can give it a better ending it will solve something deeply internal for you. I relate to that aspect of her obsession.
I think the best thing for you to do might be to actually break up with her. It'd be interesting to see if she even still thinks of you as together-- it's like she's totally disassociated into this fantasy land. Whatever the case, she hasn't been "seeing" you for a long time, she's almost treating you as an extension of herself when you were talking more-- just as another diary entry, not a source of connection. Her being completely blind to how this obsession is harming you is strange as well. Ultimately I know you have empathy for her so you've given her a lot of time/space but part of loving someone is holding them accountable and showing the mirror up to them at some point. I don't think you SHOULD take her back after what she's put you through-- unless there was some major come to jesus mea culpa apology with therapy and extenuating circumstance explanation like " i had a psychotic break and i'm on medication now". Any relationship you'd have after a long term period of this would be so unhealthy, you'd have to accept and just act like her basically abandoning you never happened. I don't think you're processing this as a betrayal so you aren't angry, and I understand because you know this is coming from a place of trauma, but that isn't the place an equal healthy relationship can come from. You're over looking you're needs and way to permissive with her, and that's not really treating her as an equal either.
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u/boreal_moonlight š„£ Cereal Killer 9d ago
This might be the worst thing Iāve read all year - girl if this is real please get some help because what she put you through is crazy š
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u/mashoogie FREE MOM HUGS 12d ago
Iām sorry, but I donāt think he stalked her. I think she cheated on you and had a full relationship with him.
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u/goldielox1000 APPROVEDāØ 13d ago
Oof. She needs a therapy/psych visit, not tinder. I hope you can find some peace and relief away from her.
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u/MattMercersBracelets Trader Joe Hoe 13d ago
Agreed. If anyone ever needed therapy itās that woman. I feel for her as someone with a messed up family/father figure- I can totally understand and envision how this all happened. But itās not healthy and she needs professional help to process it. However that must be on her own accord and I think OP needs to have nothing to do with it, this relationship has absolutely run its course. Time to move on.
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u/DangerousInside9533 FREE MOM HUGS 13d ago
He sounds dangerous and unwell but he's not a stalker. This is a toxic relationship, but it's still a relationship. I wish there were more people in this world who had your kindness and compassion, but in this case it's blinding you. Her behavior was malicious. The Tinder convo was intended to hurt you. She's craving drama and she can't get that from a stable healthy person so she's blowing the relationship up in epic fashion. I worry that you might get trapped in this cycle of crazy by excusing her behavior. She was a victim in the past, but she's not one now.
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u/beepbomeowmeow ą¹ąøąø·ąøąø š 13d ago
Wow OP, Iām so sorry to hear all of this. It must have been extremely difficult for you. All I want to say is I hope things get better for you and you deserve much more š sending you some hugs
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u/Netflxnschill Cleavage Crumb Collector 13d ago
This is traumatic as fuck to deal with but Iām gonna be honest, I donāt think she was as upset about it as she said. The obsession and the defense of why she didnāt want to report him, she craved the attention and didnāt want it to stop.
There is also a possibility she wasnāt as lesbian as she said she was, that she was playing the part with you because you were together and when you were apart that desire faded
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u/Maleficent-Growth-57 Certified Snacker 13d ago
I miss her even when sheās right there talking to me.
Im so sorry. This is heartbreaking. To love somebody and lose them like this
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u/hippiewolff Ā ā Marked Safe From My Almondmom 13d ago
Coming from someone who used to think I could fix them all (stemming from my own childhood trauma which Iāve since gone to therapy for) - you canāt fix her. She has serious problems that require serious professional help. If she is unwilling to get that, then I think you need to be done with her for good. Maintaining this sort-of friendship with her is only going to keep you from moving on.
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u/ImprovementLiving120 the secret ingredient is autismāØ 13d ago
OP, I am so sorry. I used to be in your ex's shoes (although it wasn't quite this severe, however it happened 3 times in total) and I understand why other people are commenting that she cheated on you from the beginning but I want to emphasize that I understand why you're so hurt and why you held onto her for so long.Ā
Whenever something like this happened to me it wasn't romantic at all. It was like a spiral of doom and obsession pulling me in and it may have seemed like romance to others but it never was for me because I know how I act when I love somebody and that is not it. That is obsession, mental illness, pain, suffering, etc. For me and all my loved ones.Ā
Edit for clarification: I am also not sympathizing with your ex here. I just think that you still care about her a lot and that something very complex happened here that us outsiders will never fully grasp. We can grasp that you were cheated on and that your gf was in a state of mental crisis but our comments cant do the full situation justice.
Once again I am so sorry that happened to you. I got my problems sorted because my father and I now have a better relationship, I got therapy and I'm on meds. There's hope for the well-being of your ex too. So please take care of yourself now and try not to worry about her too much or build her up anymore. You've done what you can by supporting her. I hope you have a good support system around you. ā¤ļø
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u/techno_milk Risked it for the Biscuit š« 13d ago
Thank you so much for this! I havenāt wanted to argue with people about that because I absolutely understand I sound delusional, but there is essentially no doubt in my mind that this wasnāt just a cheating situation. We knew each intimately as friends and partners for years. She has a lot of trauma and has been desperate for the approval and guidance of a safe father figure for as long as Iāve known her. If I had to guess what happened, I would say she was so hell bent on keeping his approval and whatever was left of that feeling it gave her that she would do anything and everything to not let it go. Including convincing herself she might want what he wanted. I wish I could emphasize properly that up until this, she was a wonderful partner in every way, I really think this specific situation just broke her in a way that canāt be fixed without a lot of therapy.
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u/Few_Detective9141 APPROVEDāØ 12d ago
I believe you. Technically, there is no amount of therapy that can fix it. Itās something the person has to grow out of.
Itās happened to me as well. I was groomed since age 11 and then raped in high school by a much older man. He killed himself on my birthday when I wouldnāt be with him at 18, and I ended up not processing the trauma at all. I went to college and was constantly singled out by creepy professors. I always thought they could answer some deep question or validate something broken, restore some worth by approving of me and my academic work.
Ā I ended up in the hospital with acute psychosis three weeks before graduation because of a professor that constantly asked invasive questions and demanded that I pour out all my trauma in a 100 page capstone essay (literature degree).
The campus forbid him from ever speaking to me again after I told them what had occurred. It took five years to get rid of the guilt and obsession.
Iām sorry you were so badly hurt by her. It really sounds like PTSD and limerence.
Iām happy without any mental illness today, but it took a long time.
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u/ThrowawayOnAHike š Vagetarian 13d ago
I believe people have complex emotional responses that donāt always involve physical cheating to confusing relationships. however, this girl already didnāt want to cross the distance to be with you first for bullshit reasons (you could easily visit without being around her family) and then for no reason at all (her dad was fine and she still chose not to come back). from the outside this seems like she was at least somewhat checked out of your relationship long before she even met this guy, and that when everything went down you werenāt taking the hint and were being pushy about reporting and escaping this guy when she Ā never fully wanted to. Iām really sorry. she hadnāt been in a place to be a partner to you for a while and you deserve better. āif he wanted to he wouldā applies to women too
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u/PensionTemporary200 APPROVEDāØ 12d ago
Honestly I think a closing message to your ex saying She basically never broke up with you but stopped treating you like a girlfriend and how hard that was for you, and how you've been waiting for her back but she's been mistreating you and now you have to stop waiting and end it.. And then say despite all that you really care for her and really want her to move away from her parents because this situation seems to have lead to a spiral down in her mental health, you're worried from her as a human being, and you hope she can get space from this guy, start over, and get therapy. You need to end it but also maybe she will be more receptive to the message once she finally loses you? I'm not sure
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u/GatoConCalcetines APPROVEDāØ 13d ago
Sounds like she had an emotional affair, I know that's a different realization but... Yeah, that
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u/Doublepotter the secret ingredient is autismāØ 13d ago
Are you sure you're her girlfriend? Going through phases of barely talking for months isn't normal in a relationship. It's also not normal for her to casually reference being on tinder and looking for someone to sleep with.
Are you sure she thinks you're her girlfriend and not just a close friend?
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u/techno_milk Risked it for the Biscuit š« 13d ago
Yes, absolutely Iām sure of that part. She was the one who confessed her feelings that she was in love with me and wanted to be together and we had even made some wedding plans. Then things just went sideways in what I think is maybe a completely new way. This feels like it has to be a unique experience
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u/One-Organization970 š¤š©·Lesbian Loremasterš©·š¤ 13d ago
If it's any consolation she doesn't sound like a catch. š¬
A lesbian obsessed with a forty-something year old mentally ill man to the point of openly discussing cheating on you with you without even having the decency to break up is someone you drop and don't think about.
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u/techno_milk Risked it for the Biscuit š« 13d ago
I agree at this point for sure, it was just such crazy whiplash because she was a genuinely great partner for the first probably five years?? The second she crossed the threshold into that school it was like a bomb went off and things just crumbled. I have no idea what happened, but itās definitely over between us.
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u/One-Organization970 š¤š©·Lesbian Loremasterš©·š¤ 13d ago
Value the good memories, hope she heals, never speak to her again.
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u/LeatherRecord2142 šŖ Sauceress āØ 13d ago
Gently, I donāt really believe anything about your āgirlfriend.ā It seems like perhaps you werenāt seeing the same reality as her, and I would guess that this was intentional and manipulative on her part. She screams red flags to me and I encourage you to figure out what attracted you to someone who has used you in this manner. This doesnāt feel like it was ever mutual, healthy love.
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u/drth_dilly Internet Auntie 13d ago
Girl Block her and move on. She did you dirty, sheās not around, didnāt care enough to even let you be around her family, emotionally cheated on you, probably physically cheated on you while she was with you. Block her and move on.
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u/lieutenantbunbun APPROVEDāØ 13d ago
Weirdly I became obsessed with y stalker. Itās like psychic jail. I know that doesnāt help you, but please let her go. Youāre right she needs more help than you knew. She has to figure that out though.
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u/techno_milk Risked it for the Biscuit š« 13d ago
Iām sorry that happened to you! I hope youāre safe and in a better place now! Iāve had multiple people say something like this happened to them or to someone they know and as much as I wish it didnāt happen to anyone ever, itās kind of validating to hear. I completely get why so many people in the comments donāt believe that this could happen or that she was just lying to me to cover up cheating from day one, but I think itās just hard for people who have never been in a mindset where theyāre vulnerable to this kind of abuse to comprehend. It doesnāt mean there isnāt very serious collateral from it, but I think itās pretty clear that this absolutely happens, especially with people who have specific types of trauma. And itās something sheās going to have to pull herself out of, I canāt do it for her.
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u/lieutenantbunbun APPROVEDāØ 13d ago edited 13d ago
Yeah I went through a verrrrry traumatic situation (like assault, armed robbery and permanent maiming) and then was stalked in the next six months and it was like my sense of values and nervous system could not understand danger. I was the fucking danger dude. It plagued me for 2 years before i got more serious help to untangle all sorts of things.
Youāre not crazy. And I doubt she was cheating, I am also one of those people who seem to attract 1. Instant Best friends everywhere 2. Interested parties who help for no reason 3. Sexual obsessions and attempted control from people I am not remotely interested in. Iām talking years of online sleuthing from a 30 minute chat, fake jobs from people who want to date me, family members, bosses, friends partners etc. internet, I am overweight and mean to men. I do not get it.Ā
Big combo of neurodivergent, intelligent, father trauma and abandonment issues. Had a lot of fun things I now recognize as seriously dangerous or boundary crossing. I had grown up very reliant on strangers kindness and it always seemed like someone was willing to help me or take interest. I just never knew what it would cost.Ā
Idk man, itās like a curse. But a curse one can grow out of with therapy. Or moving to another country like I did š
I am doing so much better. Itās been over a decade now and I am very independent and happy. Thank you for saying that. I really hope my own experience helps you doubt things less; I can tell how much you love this person. But time to go. Just leave the window open for when they are healed.
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u/okayblo0mer šŖæ feeding the soft animal of my body 12d ago
Same. Psychic jail is the perfect descriptor. When I first met my stalker I was obsessed (manipulated and love bombed) for a couple of months, and then I was subsequently in psychic hell with her for another year. it ruined many of my relationships, including one very long romantic one. After the first few months, I knew the weird psychosexual āfriendshipā was bad, and complained to everyone I knew about the way she treated me, but kept letting her into my life to fuck me up more. Eventually my partner and friends got mad that I kept letting myself be tortured, so I started hiding it, and ruined their trust. She was a brilliant manipulator, and cruel. After my therapist helped me end things with her, she spent months showing up at my job, my house, leaving me notes and gifts, making new numbers to threaten me, contacting my family, my boss, etc. Iāve now been in therapy for two+ years doing the work, and she has finally stopped the stalking. The therapy helped me figure out my toxic codependency issues, etc. and my life is better than ever now, Iām finally stable and happy again, but I donāt know that Iāll ever be the same. Most of all, I feel terribly for the way it affected my partner at the time, though I came to realize that relationship was also part of my codependency pattern. However, they were good to me and I really hurt them. I hope OPās ex gets the help she needs, but itāll take some time. And the op of the comment Iām replying to; Itās not your fault and Iām glad youāre free of it now!.
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u/ORGWhammerist APPROVEDāØ 13d ago
wow- beyond scary and fucked up. i hope you have the time and space to heal- prioritizing yourself- watching some of my friends lose themselves into toxic relationships has been so crushing and i cannot imagine the stress of a situation like this with an intimate partner.
While you can do as much, anything possible, to hope this person (clearly, a victim) makes the right decisions: itās up to them, especially if youāve already done everything you can do. Hopefully, the blinders come off, and she can save herself, but ā as Iām sure you know ā you cannot and should not drown trying to save someone who is not putting in the legwork to save themselves. Bless you and take careš«ā¤ļø
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u/maydaymayday99 APPROVEDāØ 13d ago
The people below saying BPD are spot on. Deep personal relationships that crumble. History of CSA.
No need to say more. Be happy to be out of it. It would have been a roller coaster forever.
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u/ApocalypseCheerBear Short Story Longā¢ļø 13d ago
You said it at the end but from the beginning I could tell, this is related to CSA.Ā
Your ex desperately needs therapy, desperately.Ā
One thing I had to learn a long time ago though, you can't help people more than they want to help themselves.Ā
But journeys are long and complicated. She might be somewhere much better, later.Ā
Making and keeping distance is the right thing for you.Ā
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u/magnolia56 Cleavage Crumb Collector 13d ago
Iām so angry for you. What she did to you wasnāt fair. You deserve better than all of this.
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u/jandjjointaccount Non-binary & Nourished 12d ago
I understand you're hurting right now and extremely worried and panicked about your girlfriend. I relate. When my ex and I first separated, at first I felt exactly the same way you do. I thought she was a wonderful person. I believed that she was groomed against me. I believed that she had been convinced by other people to leave me.
For some reason, us sapphics continue to see our exes as victims until the truth actually comes out and let me tell you this gently. This is exactly what you're doing. You still see her as a victim and therefore completely ignoring some very important indicators of her very toxic behavior.
Whatever she went through in her past doesn't justify the way she treated you despite being in a relationship with you. Absence of romantic reciprocation while in a relationship with someone is still withholding affection and withholding affection is still harmful to the person who is not receiving it. Affection between partners is an unwritten rule of a relationship.
Anyways, in my case, I hurt the same way you are for a few months..and then the truth started coming out. I won't share details so as to not rehash my own memories, but the truth changed my perspective on her entirely and it helped me move on.
There is a lot here that you don't know, but the signs are there. She wasn't monogamous. She was already emotionally cheating well before what you think is stalking started. She continued to lie to you about leaving him and refused to commit to you. She has not told you the truth. There are plenty of signs in your own account that clearly suggest she was stringing you along as a friend for as long as she could until she didn't need you anymore. She got her use out of you and when it no longer suited her, she left. She abandoned you. Which is cruel in a way.
Recognize what she did to you. Stop obsessing over what was done to her because it's no longer your concern. Don't blame yourself for what happens to her. She is the one making choices for her own life.
It's time for you to move on.
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u/Content_Quantity5524 Resident Yapper 13d ago
Lady, stop torturing yourself. Block her and move on.
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u/Wide-Kitchen7673 APPROVEDāØ 13d ago
This was honestly heartbreaking to read. I can't imagine how painful it must be to watch someone you love slowly become a stranger. What makes it even sadder is that despite everything, you still just want her to be okay. But I hope you realise that you deserve the same love and care too. Sometimes understanding why someone hurt us doesn't make it hurt any less.
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u/smarthotandfunny 13d ago
I'm sorry but could you tell me how you made the nuggets?
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u/techno_milk Risked it for the Biscuit š« 13d ago
This made me laughhh, sure! Theyāre just the Quorn brand nuggets and I cook them in the toaster oven at 425F for 14 minutes (if you listen to the package they arenāt crispy enough)! I have it down to a science
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u/smarthotandfunny 13d ago
Thank you!! I'm glad I made you laugh in these trying times! I genuinely did not have any idea how to comfort and the nuggets looked bussin so I had to ask<3
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u/0hn0shebettad0nt Barbecutie 13d ago
LMAO. The way I spit out my coffee reading this. I hate you, smart hot AND funny (God has favorites) šš¤
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u/astrocubb š¤ Brown Sugar Babe š¤ 13d ago
This is beyond messed up, he wasn't her stalker, she was cheating on you and gave you a fake story. For whatever reason she wanted to keep you on the sidelines, we'll never know, but you didn't deserve any of this and i hope you get the peace and love you actually deserve. Karma will get her dues
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u/gwendolynjones š Pickle Freak š 13d ago
this sounds really insane and awful:(:(
I second various of the suggestions already made below: that it wasn't your fault, and that it's probably extra painful due to lack of actual closure, and that her mismatched and seemingly dishonest behaviour is likely a product of her trauma, and it could probably be super helpful for you to attend therapy if you can <3 really helps having someone reliable even to just talk to about this and help move through the emotions with you..
Late 20's imo is a ripe time for all that dormant stuff you never had the means to process (but thought you had under control), starts making itself apparent.
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u/Ink_Stain Kitchen Witch 13d ago
this was hard to read. i'm so sorry you have to carry this & i hope the future holds peace for both of you.
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u/ElvenRae š Vagetarian 13d ago
It sounds like he pulled her into a psychosis. Thats not normal
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u/TWeedtheJetRodriguez girls just wanna have pho 13d ago
As someone who was pulled into a psychosis by a guy who knew how to resonate with my trauma while exploiting it, youāre dead on. Itās taken years to get a new life built after that mind-fuck. I still feel bad for my ex boyfriend who was a casualty of it all. I always thought I was stable and now that I am more stable than Iāve ever been, I still donāt trust myself all the way anymore.
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u/SpaceCastaway š½ aliens built the food pyramid š½ 13d ago
I'm so sorry about this. I obviously don't know your ex but it sounds to me very much like she could be the type who gets too attached to people for her own good. First it was you, then it was that man. Really sorry if that sounds callous but I know the type cuz I'm one myself. Also no good father figure and easy to fall head over heels. You happened to be her first fascination (all the future planning and soulmates stuff) then once you were too far away it was someone closer.Ā
She's not coming back and you gotta cauterize that wound. Hell you don't want her back after how she treated you. But yeah, I got dumped by a girl I loved to death after a 6,5 year relationship and I'm still not fully over after 2,5 years. So I can't promise you it ever stops hurting completely. But it starts hurting less and less in time, it comes in waves. Time to grieve that relationship.Ā
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u/CrystalParmesan šØ I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside š 13d ago
Iām sorry you went through this, OP š„¹ I hope you heal from this
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u/Vaiolette-Westover LET ME EAT CAKE š° 13d ago
Go read The Devil She Knows by Bellefleur. You are Sam.
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u/beanjuiced Maneater 12d ago
The Tinder bit felt like a gut punch reading it. Thatās so cruel for her to do and reveal so casually to you. Stop reaching out, or do it one more time to āofficiallyā end things and then try to silence or block for your own sanity. Everything she did (and didnāt do, for you) is so hurtful and the worst part is that she hasnāt acknowledged a single part of it. Itās like you never existed as her partner. Who does that? Iām so sorry you went through this.
Iām also with other commenters on saying that he didnāt need to engage in any stalking behaviors in order to get fired, he just needed to be romantic or sexual with her; anything that crosses a boundary between student and teacher. And the fact that she would say she was done with him and the next day switch back just suggests sheās only telling you whatās convenient to tell you- who knows what information youāll never see. Hugs, OP.
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u/peznariz Taco Belle 7d ago
Hey! I just wanted to add (after reading this post and your replies) that you seem like such a lovely, patient, kind, and understanding person! What you went through was undoubtedly awful and traumatising, but the empathy and forgiveness you still show towards your ex, who meant so much to you, say so much about your character.
I hope you find the peace and happiness you deserve as you heal from this experience :)
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u/bravo-echo-charlie Shart Coochie Board Architect 13d ago
Genuine question. Is your ex even a lesbian? Was she ever really into you? The obsessing over this man who should have been like a father figure, to then matching with guys on tinder... and her not bringing you around her family, for what? Did they know if she is a lesbian or not? You're an adult, being around her parents isn't something she should have to "protect you" from, unless she was intentionally hiding you from her family. Sorry, these are just the thoughts that popped into my head whilst reading all this. Something tells me this girl never really was that into you, for which I am so, so sorry. Please, OP, take care of yourself. You deserve a woman who will show you off to her family, and who will stay faithful to you above all else.
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u/Still-View-9063 Chismosa 13d ago
I'm so sorry OP. This sort of thing happened with the Baby Raindeer guy where he also ended up being obsessed with his stalker at a certain point too. I don't really get the psychology around it, but it doesn't happen to someone who is okay.
Something that stood out to me is that your ex sounds like a massive doormat. She was always the type to put her relationship second to accommodate her abusers, so she definitely needs professional help and it doesn't seem that way now, but it's a good thing that she's not your problem anymore. This always always going to be a theme in your relationship, better sooner while you're still young than later. But I'm sorry it happened so horribly.
I hope you can heal from this and never deal with her again. This man could have hurt you both and she chose to still keep him around... She is a selfish and terrible too.
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u/techno_milk Risked it for the Biscuit š« 13d ago
I literally just watched that with my best friend and itās incredibly Baby Reindeer. Like almost exactly that. I could have shortened my post to āBaby Reindeer just happened to me and I was Teriā. And also yeah, I think doormat is exactly the way to put it. She always rolled over and took it with her parents and her older brother and other people in her life and I think she was willing to lose anything to stay in that comfort zone. I hope she gets better and things improve for her, but I canāt be around it.
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u/mistress6nine š¶ļø Spice Girl š¶ļø 13d ago
I was the gf in that situation (bad family life, older male mentor over whom I gushed) in my early 20s. Your gf was groomed and clearly wanted to leave but didnāt feel like she could do so safely and likely couldnāt do so safely (re his threats of self-harm). Women are most likely to be murdered when leaving their partners so thatās entirely unsurprising.
All of which to say that it all sucks and youāre both paying the price for some piece of shit older man who wanted to fuck his student. Glad she got him fired. (I did the same in my case, was my college professor.)
It took me over a decade to really process what happened to me in therapy. I hope it doesnāt take her as long.
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u/techno_milk Risked it for the Biscuit š« 13d ago
I hope youāre doing well now, Iām sorry you had to go through that! These guys are maniacs and they do what that type of maniac does best by finding a vulnerable, abused younger woman who desperately wants what he represents. My ex is a truly special person underneath all that baggage and I hope someday sheās free of it.
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u/throawaymcdumbface Overthinker š 13d ago
Do the posts on r/bpdlovedones strike a chord for you at all? There can be strange responses to harassment but the fact she moved back in with family you explicitly can't visit and you can't go to her area is odd. I'd break up with her either way.
like with the harassment case, did you ever hear the voicemails etc he left? Do you have anything to go on that isn't purely "she said this happened"?
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u/techno_milk Risked it for the Biscuit š« 13d ago
My best friend has BPD and I canāt say thatās ever the vibe I got from my ex (no emotional volatility in the years leading up this nightmare or attachment issues etc), but yeah I agree that it just needs to be over. And yes I did hear the voicemails and see the texts and her classmates confirmed the weird behavior from the guy. For a good chunk of this, she was sending me massive amounts of her correspondence with him asking if I thought he was being weird/if she was reading too much into it and being paranoid etc. Thatās why I was so shocked when she couldnāt stay away from him.
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u/throawaymcdumbface Overthinker š 13d ago
Have you met these classmates before? Like have you spoken to anyone that's been around her in person?
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u/techno_milk Risked it for the Biscuit š« 13d ago
I did, yes, over facetime. Something happened fairly publicly and she called me right away, so they were there interjecting while we talked about what went down.
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u/bringindafembots Foraging Bog Witch 10d ago
I was thinking personality disorder for sure but my thought was there was possible narcissistic personality disorder with the love bombing in the beginning and the control she seemed to like to have over her by basically taunting her with these other men and then a discard when she got bored and she devalued her.
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u/autumnrolls Let The š„ 13d ago edited 13d ago
This is really heartbreaking. I can understand why you feel like she's still there but somehow not really there anymore. You knew this person for six years and were closer to her than anyone, so of course you're going to notice that something feels profoundly different. Even if he isn't actively in her life anymore, being stalked, manipulated and emotionally terrorized for that long can profoundly change your perception of the world, brain chemistry, and interactions with others even when the person is gone. I don't know if dissociation is part of what she's experiencing, but I don't think you're wrong for wondering whether she's still dealing with the aftermath. Plus, you aren't blaming her. You clearly understand that she was being manipulated and that wasnāt her fault. You tried to be there for her in every way you could. I hope you're able to give yourself some of the same compassion you've given her. You didn't fail her because you couldn't fix something that was never yours to control. You deserve to be kind to yourself too. You lost your best friend, your relationship and the future you thought you were going to have, and you're allowed to grieve that. It seems best to distance yourself from her completely and not have her in your life anymore because of how traumatic it is and how much itās affecting you. I really hope she's safe and eventually feels like herself again. I hope, in time, you can find some peace too.
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u/pinkstrawberymonster APPROVEDāØ 12d ago
Could it be that she maybe was already cheating on you before she went long distance and once you were long distance she felt like she didn't have to pretend any more? Any weird things happened before that? Any stories where you second guessed yourself?Ā
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u/Jeldenil_ Queer Queen š³ļøāš 13d ago
Are you sure everyone in het stories even exist?
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u/Sea_Sider3898 š¦ Fruit Bat Baddie š 12d ago
What an absolute dumpster fire inside a train wreck inside a circus
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u/Jerico_Hill APPROVEDāØ 12d ago
Sounds like for her, your relationship ended long ago and she just never told you. None of her behaviour is aligned with the behaviour of someone in a relationship, even right at the beginning of this mess. She cheated, treated you like absolute shit. I think you should take her off the pedestal she's still on in your mind. She's not a victim here.Ā
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u/Realistic-Winner-999 APPROVEDāØ 11d ago
Something I'd suggest is IFS. This is a lot for you to process, and though we can understand others past and reasonings, it sheds a powerful new light when we truly understand how we all function out of protective parts, covering up more vulnerable ones, and obscuring the sense of "self". I think it would be healing for you, and let you have the empathy for her that is so apparent, while also having empathy for yourself, and, even more importantly right now, boundaries and dignity respective to yourself. I'm guessing there are reasons she is doing this that are truly hard to get past. But at the end of the day, you are you and she is she. As you know, you can't control her. And you are not responsible for making something incomprehensible comprehensible, or something incompatible with safety for you, safe. Love is crazy. And I know it's hard to move on. But she needs a lot of help, that she has to get someway on her own. Please take care of yourself, love yourself, validate yourself. You're not crazy, and what you're going through is terrible. It's also an opportunity to dig through your own stuff. Rejection like this, even framed as something other, is hard as hell. It's heart breaking. I know saying "go to therapy" can feel useless and trite. But truly, this is a time where you can do for yourself what she cannot. You deserve better, no shade to herĀ
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u/AuthenticAwkwardness Cookie Monster šŖ 9d ago
I just wanted to comment as a person who has been groomed by an authority figure in the pastā¦ It really messes with you, and thatās putting it lightly. I donāt know if predators like this know what theyāre doing or the extent of harm theyāre causing.. but it is genuinely all consuming and mind f*ing. Iāve been through years of therapy and am even a therapist myself now. But still, 17 years later, I am still having to talk myself out of thoughts that he was the only person who ever got me and truly saw me. I donāt think anyone could ever truly understand how much they twist your thoughts and beliefs.
I donāt know what itās like to be you, but I imagine itās beyond confusing and hurtful. As others have suggested, I hope you will seek out your own therapy to help heal yourself. And I sincerely hope your ex will find her way to therapy as well. I hope you find a lot of happiness in your future š
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u/zprincess1026 APPROVEDāØ 8d ago
Girl . she cheated on you and you guys existed in such a weird limbo period for so long itās sort of like a āwow ā¦thatās crazyā thing instead of a āwtf actuallyā thing. iām so sorry that happened to you, and if you havenāt, iād still report his ass to the school. u have nothing to lose and youād be helping her and a lot of other potential victims of his creep behavior
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u/m1stymajora š³ eggs? in this economy?? 7d ago
This is actually insane, one of my fears is having someone I love turn into another person and this post alone scared the shit of me. Therapy for you OP and everyone else in the comments actually
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u/techno_milk Risked it for the Biscuit š« 6d ago
Itās definitely one of mine now too.. if it helps at all though, my ex had been in a similar-ish situation in the past (well before we met), so it wasnāt unprecedented in her life. I guess I just thought since she was much older now and in a better mental state, lightning wouldnāt strike twice, you know? I donāt think you need to be too afraid, just aware of the fact that something that happened before could always happen again.
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u/wistful-wolf Overthinker š 12d ago
Wow, your ex was groomed. Iām so sorry for both of you.
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u/SuccessfulArcher9992 Kitchen Witch 13d ago
This reminds me of that show Baby Reindeer ā¦ where a man is SAād by someone who he thought was a friend and then a woman starts stalking him and he eventually becomes obsessed with his stalker, itās fucked up.
Anyway, Iām sorry you went through that. Most relationships that start in your early 20s are not the healthiest because everyone is still learning how to be a person. She has a lot of deep rooted issues that you are lucky to not be tied to for the rest of your life. You can learn from this and move onto focusing on yourself and more healthy relationships.
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u/livnouthere Som Tum Slut 13d ago
My Dear...you have self worth issues. Do not tolerate this nonsense. Cut and move on...
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u/p1-o2 APPROVEDāØ 13d ago
Wow, I'm so sorry you didn't get proper closure. That must feel terrible. For me it's like a hole I can never quite fill in. I've learned to stop trying to do so and just accept it as part of me now.
You deserved better. What a bewildering situation and I am sure it feels hard to find people who will relate to it without projecting on you or her.
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u/m00nsl1me š Part Bear š« 13d ago
You gotta go to therapy. Thatās absolutely insane.