I keep seeing posts of them finding this subreddit and victimising themselves saying everyone in here is horrible and saying they can’t help it and you made the decision to date someone who’s mentally ill.

Mental illness is a truly awful thing however every mental health proffesional will even tell you , some people (particularly narcissists) will blame everything on their mental illness so they don’t have to face the reality of how shitty their actions are.

I’m not shocked in the slightest of this group being attacked and made out to be a hellSpawn by these people. a group that supports people who are dealing or have dealt with someone with BPD. Who has left them with severe psychological trauma on 90% of cases. But of course no one else can be the victim in their narrow minded worlds.

The fact in any form of life if victims of abuse came together and vented or supported each other it’s fine but because they have this distorted view that they can do no wrong. All of a sudden everyone in here is evil. Despite the majority of us having suffered emotional abuse by 1 or multiple PwBpd. whether that was over weeks , months or years.

My ex was constantly changing her strong opinions on various topics. One month she was all supportive of men and hated feminists, the next month she hated men and supported feminists. One month she was proud of me and my work/business, a few months later she complained about it and asked me when I would get a “real job”. One week she hates her colleague who she felt slighted by, the next week she loved that person and was hanging out with them.

Why were there so many constant changes in her opinions? Did anyone else experience this?

My ex was diagnosed with BPD. We were together for almost three years, and one of the things I struggled with most was how quickly our entire relationship could become "terrible" in her eyes.

We could have a genuinely great week together. Then one disagreement would happen, and suddenly she'd tell me we'd never been happy, I never made an effort, and she couldn't remember the last time she felt loved.

The next day she'd sometimes acknowledge that wasn't true. She'd say that when she was really upset, it was hard for her to remember feeling differently.

So last winter she suggested something.

We got a glass jar and started writing down good memories on little pieces of paper. Nothing fancy. Just moments that made us happy.

The time we tried making homemade pizza and completely ruined the dough. A Sunday when we stayed in bed watching terrible movies. Getting caught in the rain and laughing because neither of us had brought a jacket.

She was actually more enthusiastic about it than I was.

For a while I thought it was helping. Whenever she felt like everything was hopeless, we had something tangible reminding us that our relationship wasn't just arguments.

Then we had a fight because I'd agreed to help my brother move on a Saturday morning. She felt like I was choosing my family over her.

It escalated into the usual conversation about how I didn't prioritize her and how she'd wasted years being unhappy with me.

At some point she looked toward the shelf where we kept the jar.

She said, "And that stupid jar doesn't mean anything. We just write those things so we can pretend we're happy."

I remember going completely quiet.

Not because I thought a jar could fix our relationship. Obviously it couldn't.

But she'd come up with the idea herself. She'd written half those memories. She'd smiled while telling me what to put on the slips of paper.

And now, in that moment, apparently none of it counted.

A few days later she apologized for saying it. She told me those memories were real and that she'd meant every word when she wrote them.

I believed her.

But I also couldn't stop thinking about how sincerely she'd seemed to believe the opposite during our argument.

We've been separated for a few months now. The jar is still in a box in my closet. Neither of us wanted to take it when we divided our things.

I'm not trying to claim she never loved me or that our happy moments were fake. I know we had good times.

What hurts is remembering how much energy I spent trying to convince someone that the good times we'd experienced together had actually happened.

Did anyone else experience this kind of complete reversal? Not just being told you're a terrible partner during an argument, but having shared memories suddenly treated like they never meant anything?

They will lose their credit, cars, relationships, jobs, friends and now her children cos she would rather not admit mistakes and deal with shame.

Impulsivity is unreal. The emotional pain of chaos caused by imbalanced emotions is unreal. It’s insane.

I'm convinced it's an abuse tactic, I don't care if that's an overreaction.

Purposefully trying to make your partner jealous, feel insecure in the relationship or even in themselves is a disgusting mind game. One they play because it makes them feel desired, in control, and you the lowly, desperate sap that has to put in 200% at least so you don't get discarded.

And if the relationship goes south, they have an easy out to smear you with. "My ex was jealous. Possessive." Done and dusted.

My pwBPD loved to do it to me. I've been cheated on before. She knew how it screwed me up. She hated my ex for the very thing!

But then she kept around friends with no boundaries. Men who barely met her and already begged her for nudes. People who outright said it was a shame she was taken, because they would've been sleeping with her right now if she wasn't.

She talked about her exes freely. Brought them up and how she misses them at complete random. Mentioned they were trying to get her attention every now and then. But I say "my ex", someone I have not spoken to in years, and I saw her face get dark.

The couple times I spoke to her about how these things adding up made me feel insecure, I saw how deep down it made her feel GOOD to know I was willing to stoop as low as she wanted just so she wouldn't betray me. Even admitted she loved when her partners got possessive! She never put up boundaries on these friends, never stopped talking to the men begging her for sex...

And in fact, she got even MORE secretive. Now that she knew it was exactly the way to drive me crazy. We didn't last much longer after I made peace with being betrayed again and stopped fighting for basic respect. I stopped being fun.

I see this occasionally referred to as triangulation. Whatever it's called, toying with someone's mental health your own personal gain is sick.

The constant passive aggressive manipulation. The waifing and pretending that they don't know what they're doing? I'm EXHAUSTED.

When I met my now ex pwBPD, she was unemployed due to her mental health for a few years, on 7 different psych medications, had been in 4 inpatient psych facilities in the previous decade, 1 hospitalization from bulimia, and was drinking like a fish.

I ignored the red flags with the skill of a matador and we ended up in a relationship and it was heaven or hell depending on what day you spoke to me. Over our 2 year relationship, she broke up with me maybe 50-100 times, insulted me, abused me, threatened me, my job, my immigration status, and even my cat. I’ve been cheated on, punched, neglected, and even a murder suspect at one point because of her (long story).

When we split a few months back, she finally admitted it was BPD and sought treatment.

I then received a few abusive texts from her a few weeks ago saying that after a thorough assessment, she has CPTSD due to me and the relationship and no other disorders.

My mind is kind of blown at the moment. I have dozens of texts messages from her sent to me during moments of clarity declaring that she is at fault and needs help.

She‘s somehow managed to find a way to blame me for everything despite 15 years of documents psychiatric history before she knew I existed.

How is this even possible? How in gods name is there a therapist out there who didn't dig a little deeper to see what was happening?

Is this normal?

I know a lot of this sub is focused on the abuse those of us who were partners to BPD individuals endured, but I am wondering if we were to take a closer look at ourselves: what would you have done differently if you could go back and change your situation with that person?

I wish I would have listened to my gut telling me something was off in the first few months despite being in the honeymoon stage. I wish I would have healed more from the relationship I was in prior to my pwBPD so I could have held more emotional safe space for her. I wish I wouldn’t have allowed myself to get so bent out of shape over her abuse and allow it to affect my life in such a negative way and allow it go on as long as it did. I wish I would have done a lot differently. I wish I would have worked on my insecurity and self perception before getting into a relationship. No, I don’t think the outcome of the relationship would change much, but I can self reflect and realize I wasn’t a perfect partner to my expwBPD.

**no, this does not justify the abuse we endured being with them. It doesn’t erase any of that. I genuinely want to know what others who’ve dated/married pwBPD would have done differently if they could go back in time.

Im by myself rn faraway from home close to her hometown for other reasons. Its making me think of her. I almost want to call and reminece over the past. But i know she dont give a dam about me. Hurting by myself rn. You can give all your love but youre pouring it out in a bottomless pitcher. Just for another guy to fill it. Im struggling rn need help.

I went through this relationship on and off for 4 years, that part was not my choice of course and obviously more so down to being split on and discarded time and time again. I loved him so much, SO much. And cared and tried in every which way, more than I could ever describe to another person. I did not see him coming, I did not see THIS coming. And most wouldn’t get it, because they’d see a person losing self respect, themselves and even their grip on reality all at the cost of trying to love, understand and regain a love from someone, someone that was entirely split in 2, someone that was a source of emmense pain, fear and trauma. But also, relief, intense love, momentary safety and ultimate youthful joy.

If it wasn’t for me taking notes of some things I would completely forget just how abusive it was, due to the sheer trauma I faced with him and memory loss that came with it. But honestly no matter how much betrayal, coldness, manipulation or smearing I took. The most mind alternating part for me has always been the cognitive dissonance. Genuinely it has been the most distressing feeling I think I’ve ever experienced in my life. Almost physically feeling your mind like them now split in 2, a constant war worth smacking yourself in the head, finding no comfort in either solution or reality it tries to settle on. I will never be able to put into words the severity of the gaslighting and emotional abuse I faced through these years. Only made worse being autistic and not always understanding my own brain when I get things right or wrong, this person that was supposed to love me, took me to a place of complete disconnect, ptsd and it almost killed me multiple times. Im lucky to have survived.

The grief, I’m sorry to say would never compare to the loss of a loved one, and I say that as someone who has lost a parent. Because when you lose someone whole; you know exactly who they were to you and what you’re letting go off, and that takes a long time to come to to terms with and accept.

But when someone who “Loved” you this deeply, felt so close, so intimate and custom fitted to you, is also someone so abusive and unrecognisable, your brain could spend eternity as it seems mine is, reaching for clarity because as I said neither reality to name feels right or fair, especially when your own internal perceptions and hard wiring has been ripped out.

He was the sweetest man, with a sensitive injured soul, like myself. That felt familiar I could never help seeing the hurt little boy, truly an empathetic caring person, what I and others often saw, and it genuinely was real. But how was he the same man that destroyed the one person in private that loved him the most, even in his own words, it triggered him because I meant the most, saw him and truly loved him. Seeing must be a horrible feeling for someone so broken, that the only choice is destruction or the one thing you’ve found and wanted most, intentional or not.

Was he the man that kissed my forehead, laughed with me till we couldn’t breath, nerded out together, unmasking together for what may have been the first time in life. Swore such believable love and loyalty. And an undying want to look after me, the one who shushed me in my sleep as I lay having tremors and nightmares from the trauma at hand.

Or was he the man that cheated on me, that called me names, shouted me down when I tried to make sense of my environment, made insane threats, gaslit me to the point of a psychotic break, the man who when in a split ran a smear campaign against me, that I almost didn’t survive. The one who ripped my heart and brain out time and time again, taking his love away as punishment.. becoming a stranger over night, all because I got too close or was too hard to handle, no longer perfect when I couldn’t cope with what was happening. Came back grief stricken when the split had worn off. There were too many versions of him, of us, of this. Too many it makes me feel physically sick from confusion.

I don’t think I will ever reconcile the torture that this has inflicted on my soul, to miss and fear the same person. The one who knows you more than ANYONE. But is clearly at war, one that he is not winning any time soon.

Will the pain ever go away? the grief, the longing?. I’m a shell, and in hindsight when I was too broken, undermined and abused to see it, I was such a beautiful girl, filled with love to give and a real light in my spirt, so worthy of what should have come easily and without a fight.

I think the only thing I miss more than him, that I won’t get back is her.

One thing I always pay attention to is how their opinions change over time.

You talk about something, and after some time has passed, they start interpreting it in a completely different way. At first, she liked my job and admired what I did. Later on, she kept pressuring me, asking, “You have a university degree, so why aren’t you pursuing a career in your own field?” At first, all she wanted was love and, of course, to be able to stay home all day instead of working. Towards the end, that expectation evolved into wanting a rich husband.

I had to get the police involved. He flipped the fuck out because I told him I was muting him so I could go to bed.

He texted.

He called.

He texted someone I haven't spoken to in months.

I don't know how he got the number, but tbh I don't really care. I had no interest in speaking to this person again.

I blocked him.

He emailed me a few days later asking about a blowie.

I remembered that I had forgotten my son's sax at his house. I was going to sell it, he said he'd buy it for a higher price than whatever estimate I got. I forgot it when I was leaving.

I responded to the email that I needed to get the sax. He said it was there and of course I could get it.

Until, of course, I told him I wasn't going to get sexual with him. I only responded because of the sax. I was clear about it. The verbal abuse torrent started so I blocked him again. Not before he threatened to throw the sax in the river though.

I called the police. They know him. They called him. He lied and said he didn't have it. I sent the email thread to the police. They know we never lived together, so it's not shared property. They know he's a lying, abusive sack of shit, though they can't say that in those words. He has no legal claim to the sax and they know it.

Idk what's going to happen next, I do want the sax back, but not enough to ever see him again. Ideally, he'd leave it with the police and I could just get it back, but then he'd have to admit he lied to them in the first place.

But either way, whether I lose the sax or not, I'm free. That freedom is worth so much more than what I'd get for the sax.

I never have to see him again. I never have to stop what I'm doing (important stuff for my own stability and independence) to try to soothe his psychosis and end up getting burned for it. I never have to hear him lie to me again. I never have to pretend I don't know what he did again. I never have to pretend to be blind again. I never have to dissociate during sex and pretend I was there the whole time.

I'm free.

Hey guys recently had a pretty rough breakup from a relatively short but extremely intense relationship with someone with bpd. I got the summary of the relationship in another post on my profile.

When we were together she seemed so into me before the splits started and in between them. We talked about future were trying for kids and seemed to have so much in common.

I am wondering how much of that was real and how much was done to manipulate me. I get very depressed thinking I was not special in any way just had low self esteem and porous boundaries. I struggled before connecting with sexual partners but I really loved her. It saddens me to think that our connection was more a mental health episode on her part.

She tried to reconnect a little recently but was not really apologetic at all despite leaving for very little reason, she honestly didn't empathise for me often at all during our relationship is sharing our traumas and issues. She just said she misses me and our connection was special. When I brought up her throwing me away so fast she blamed her conditions, her mind and me but never said sorry despite me doing so and pouring my heart out.

Do you guys think people with bpd really love their "favorite person" or more view them only as an emotional outlet.

I really have no clue what goes on in these people's minds. After a horrifying relationship with my exwBPD, that ended over 3 years ago, followed by her sending picture proof of her cheating, months of legal threats and years of her stalking, I thought I had enough and would never date someone with personality disorders again. I found this sub, which helped me understand a lot of what happened, helped me heal and taught me what to watch out for. I vented, helped others and went through this rocky road with friends, until I slowly stopped coming back, and this sub became a distant memory.

That is, until now. I had a healthy relationship, which had to end, until last year I met someone. We clicked instantly, somehow had tons in common and I fell head over heels. That was, until I found out she was dating someone else, had a big family fight and disappeared. I jokingly suggested to my friends she might be like my crazy ex, to numb the longing-for-connection void she left. She reappeared a month later, we reconnected and took off. I knew the signs; the lovebombing, the guilt-tripping, the mirroring, the clinginess and intense emotions. I knew the backgrounds; the abusive childhood, the domestic disputes, the fights with parents and lack of persistent friend groups. I thought she was different bc she said she did not have BPD (she mentioned going to a therapist and taking medication before) and bc she wasn't volatile, like my ex. The difference was, instead of hostility and blowing up, she'd just get "incredibly sad". It got suspicious, how she said she "never got angry, only sad". I did not see it coming, I thought I knew what to look out for, and despite some alarms being raised, I chalked them off since she behaved so well.

We spent months looking like a healthy relationship, communication was there, fights and disagreements were resolved and compromises made. Until somehow, I made a fatal mistake. I told her I was going to go through a rough stretch at college, so I started treating her like a queen, to make up for the time we won't be able to spend together - to be a good partner. She noticed, told me she was happier than ever and asked for the reason why, but apparently my answer was not good enough. She started rewriting our relationship, asking why I didn't treat her like this on Day 1. Acting as if I was dismissive and neglectful during our earlier months. Where once she had told me she liked to call and game more often, every attempt at doing so was met with cold rebuttal. My attempts to heed her requests were blocked by the very person who made them.

After she turned this switch, I continually asked her what was wrong - I felt she was off. She told me she was just "hurt" and needed time. Started getting upset at minute details. She convinced herself she was somehow being wronged by everything, now I was somehow disrespectful at every turn. If I sneezed the wrong way, gave her a look, or did not buy her a beer during a night out, all became "straws that broke the camel's back". Suddenly, she claimed I never paid for dinner back then, and my gifts weren't expensive enough. The flowers needed to be more frequent, and the chocolates branded "cheap". She rewrote our whole relationship as a struggle, as if she did not seem the happiest woman on earth, and blew the little wrongs out of proportion. She turned me into her enemy, my imperfections and struggles as affronts to her wellbeing. She stopped trying to communicate and resolve arguments, now I was the only one fighting for the relationship and giving her time and my whole paycheck. I asked her why she was not returning any affection, and she called my efforts "the bare minimum" (when I asked why she wasn't putting in this "bare minimum", she changed subjects).

She suddenly wanted a "more traditional man", claimed our values were misaligned. She started claiming she'd been "too patient, putting up with my bullshit for too long". She was tired of explaining herself and rewrote that I never noticed or asked when she felt upset. By now, I had realized I was getting discarded, I nearly drove myself crazy looking for reasons until it dawned on me. These were just excuses to jump ship. The pieces fell into place; curtains drawn and lights blasted onstage. The wrongs she claimed, the rewriting, the splitting behaviour. Her suddenly becoming a black hole who would never be satiated. Her unhappiness at me for no longer providing the emotional regulation she offshored to me. Her troubles...

I thought I'd learned my lesson. After what I went through, I thought it'd never happen again. In hindsight, I felt it was wrong, diving into a relationship 1.5 months after reconnecting, her hitting me up not a month after leaving her previous partner... now I'm wandering aimlessly, wondering if she really loved me for who I was, or just because I was an anchor to keep her grounded and obsessed. All I know is that in time, this too, will heal.

You see them make just, the worst decisions ever in regards to lifestyle or relationships and whatever else, tell you to gfy for not supporting their terrible decisions, get hurt by their choices, come crying, and then repeat. After tens of this cycle happening, you ask yourself, do they seriously believe this time will be different?

You know that one quote about how insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result? Like that. But it drives me crazy. How can they not know? You have everyone and your psychologist telling you, hey maybe it's a bad idea to get back with your abusive ex just because you feel a little lonely now that you're single, and it just does not click! And they get surprised when you don't want to support them for the umpteenth time that they've suffered at their own hands... it's such a unique kind of frustration.

Relieved but also just drained that this is happening again. It has almost been a year where a no contact court order was put in place after a domestic violence incident where I called the cops on him. Since then, he has called me multiple times, texted me, made a new account on reddit to threaten the life of my cat that he stole and done other shenanigans which police couldn't prove was him. Finally about a week ago he came to my art studio knocked on the door (violation) my friend and co-worker immediately recognized him and told him he was not welcome. He made a threat and then walked away. I contacted the police and he was just arrested today because they couldn't locate him. I am just exhausted that this is still happening. I don't understand why he can't just leave me the fuck alone. I need peace.

I've gotten and seen some amazing advice on this thread (thank you so much!). One thing I have seen suggested is working out to physically exhaust yourself. It's made me realize how much I completely let my physical health and fitness fall to the wayside during this relationship...does anyone have any experience with getting back in shape after getting out of a relationship with a pwBPD?

On a random day she texted me.
She said that she is sorry for everything and that she still care about me as a person.
Why now? What is her purpose?

This is just a theory but I always felt if I could let my pwBPD win the break up I could finally escape...she used to brag that all of her relationships ended with her " cutting the guy off " and only one guy ever broke up with her and " he came crawling back " so she " won that breakup too ".

unfortunately every time she broke up with me ( usually every 2 weeks) I wouldn't block her and she would call me back on the 2nd day and not apologize but tell me how much she missed and loved me and could not exist with out me ... Like an idiot I would take her back ...

The one time I blocked her on everything she showed up at my apartment bldg and because she was beautiful and a master seductress I caved.

The last time we broke up I blocked her and was determined to not cave this time ... The fighting had turned physical and violent with me actively defending myself... I was scared shitless one of us was going to be severely injured and all the consequences that flow from that

The 2nd day came and I received a DM on IG from one of her many " guy friends " I did not know this person but recognized the account as one of her followers/orbitars.. ( triangulation was a standard tool in her toolbox of abuse )

The message read " hey are you the guy that used to date _?

I replied the next day "whatsup"

His reply " oh sorry man I got really drunk last night I don't know y I messaged you "

My reply "something u want to tell me about ____?

Him : " no really man nothing"

I then messaged " I'm done with her u can have her and I said some deeply personal , disturbing vile and disgusting things about her to this dude.

I always use disappearing messages on IG but I changed the setting knowing this guy would screenshot the messages and show her ...

That was 72 days ago and I have not had any contact with her since

I know what I did was manipulative and somewhat evil but I literally felt like I would not be able to escape if I didn't let her win the break up

But I literally felt like this was life and death

Did I go too far ? I don't ask that cuz I want her back more asking to soothe my guilty conscience

Ever since I blocked my ex 2 weeks ago, I’ve had severe brain fog. To the point where I can’t focus or get much of anything done throughout the day. Struggle staying asleep at night, constantly ruminate on the relationship dynamic I had with her, and can’t seem to accomplish any tasks (work and otherwise) all the way through without taking a break. I barely have an appetite.

For reference, I take care of myself. I lift weights 4 days per week, walk my dog a few miles daily, run once a week, hike at least once a week, eat healthy, take vitamins and supplements, have weekly therapy, weekly Mens group, and in general take good care of myself.

When does the brain fog end? When were you able to sleep well again? When did you stop obsessing over and thinking about the relationship and abuse you endured?

Every day, I woke up confidently determined to establish a safe and cozy home from a hall of mirrors constructed within a haunted house. Every night, I went to sleep cold and lonely in an unchanged environment, convinced that the next day would be better if only I could do more, work harder, love deeper, and forgive more completely.

Hey guys, I've been a frequent visitor to this subreddit since my ex and I started dating about two years ago.

Context: I left for army orders in June, came back home for a week in July, and then left for Germany for almost 2 months.

When I came home, my ex was super distant and wanted space. After a few weeks of waiting and not talking, we ended up breaking up. It hurt, but it is what it is. I recently began to talk to this sweet guy. It's been going super well, but now my ex is back. My ex wants me back, and he said he was going to finally fulfill the promises he made while we were dating. Ex: take me on dates, make me feel seen, give me attention, etc

As of now, I am in a rock-hard place because he's telling me he's going to change. I want to believe him, but I don't know. I've read that this is super common for BPD ex-partners to do this because they want a sense of security or sm.

I ended it today, she discarded me 20 days ago and keep me on push pull, but tonight she was colder then ever, talked like her new girl friends that she made and she is changed i can see it. Last night she was crying about us, but next day she doesnt care at all. Said she will talk honestly next day (today) cause she is tired now, didnt wake up for few hours so i understand that its over, even if it wasnt her intention not to wake up, one year ago she would move mountains for me and for us to talk to. I am nothing to her now. She is quiet bpd, so she never made any arguments or was violent or something like that. Just one month after one year she decided to tell me she needs space, and told everyone that she is scared of me and wanna break up. But told me diffrent things. She was so empathic and nice whole relationship, and always did whatever i asked.

I wrote her last message and blocked her. I threw all stuff she made me all letters in some box, and i cried my soul out while i did that, literally. I am so empty and sad, i thought someone had finally saw me, thats what i wanted from my dad but i guess not. I am so sad i dont understand how year ago she would do anything for me, now i am nothing.

These are some issues i noticed in the past. They arent in order but here goes

* She has started mirroring the kid, and her emotions mirror the mood of the kid. The problem is the kid is young, and mirroring on a kid is just asking for problems.

* Because my BPD has no ability to self soothe, she cant help soothe the kid either. End result, kid could be crying for minutes, or even beyond with my BPD just there, not doing anything.

* Issues I noticed where she leaves the kid somewhere and goes to do something else. Or sometimes unknowingly putting kid in danger without understanding the ramifications of her own actions. At least once the kid was exposed to potential hazards due to my BPD's rabid impulsiveness.

* Even though the kid is already older, my BPD has a reluctance to change her ways. Even when something clearly does not work, she insists on doing it a particular way.