r/GirlDinnerDiaries • u/cutegooo girl du fromage 𧠕 Jul 14 '26
Trigger Warning â ď¸ retired my parents just to find out my whole life is a lie
i have spent the past two years working on one of my biggest goals in life; to help my parents retire and finally relax after a lifetime of work and hardship. i invested several thousands of dollars, researched where they could afford to live, found the ONLY flight they could safely take their pets on without paying a broker, among other things.
i have always been the parent in the family; an example is me starting to do their taxes since i was just 11 years old. they both speak english and went to university (my mother didnât finish, though), and they just, i donât know, never grew up.
i lived in multiple residential treatment facilities, the ones with 9-12 month long stays, and would have to couch surf with family between those, because my parents were either actively abusive, or just couldnât emotionally handle anything. after years of therapy, i was able to forgive them and see their change, but i put on the rose colored glasses and theyâve been shattered.
my parents retired to vietnam, because they both have to live on minimum social security
so fast forward to them being there about 3 months. they took $6000 cash, and had another $12,000 coming, both from lawsuits. every few days my father would ask me to transfer $300-500, and every time i asked he said it was to build a cash savings here.
not only do i find out they have spent EVERYTHING minus the $1500 i have in cash here, and saved no money for our first family vacation ever, i bought the plane ticket months ago to see them in august. after learning about this, i vent to three different family members, on both sides. i found out my mother sabotaged my fathers businesses from the very beginning. she told me
we lost the business due to racism from 9/11, turns out she was too jealous and insecure about the women clients my father would drive, since it was a super high end company. she ruined his pizza business because she just didnât like the job and wanted to not work.
my entire life has been shaped around the severe poverty, abuse, and neglect i experienced for the first 15 years of my life. now i donât know if this is a mendable offense; or is it finally time to cut all contact.
my world is falling apart and iâve been living a lie. dinner is from the only restaurant i regularly make a 3 hour round trip for, snow pea beef with a potato, eggplant, and carrot dish that my old host grandfather would make us.
6.8k
u/dedpla Chaotic But Cute Jul 14 '26
Cut contact. Please cut contact. These people have used you and used you and used you and will continue to do so until they have wrung every drop from you. And I can pretty much guarantee when the cash is cut off it wonât be apologising and recognition of their wrongs, it will be a torrent of abuse. You have spent your life so far tied to keeping them afloat while they sabotage your efforts. Is that what you want for the *rest* of your life. Forgive them all you want, just stop giving them your life.
1.9k
u/cutegooo girl du fromage đ§ Jul 14 '26
i truly have given them way more than they ever have for me. i would always use the story about how they spent their last $1000 on my plane ticket to china, where i went to uni. but, theyâve racked up $3000 on my credit cards and promised theyâd pay me back once the lawsuit money came in, then all of the sudden iâm the one who is spending everything on the card (they gave me $400 total to put towards cards)
1.7k
u/cheese-mania Carb-Based Life Form Jul 14 '26
Cut contact. They are shamelessly exploiting you. Asian guilt is a real struggle but you should not feel any.
→ More replies (3)216
808
u/dedpla Chaotic But Cute Jul 14 '26
Cancel those cards and anything they have access to. Tell them itâs over and block them. Then go back to therapy for support, because itâs hard. But honestly you need to start putting yourself first.
607
243
u/ScissorFight42069 Short Story Longâ˘ď¸ Jul 14 '26
Lock the cards (and your credit), don't cancel them. Canceling them will seriously ding your credit.
→ More replies (2)2
u/barogr Tea Time Hostess âď¸ Jul 15 '26
She could report them stolen and get new cards sent directly to her. But yes to locking credit.
→ More replies (1)131
u/agelass puff puff pass the snacks Jul 14 '26
i agree with everything you said except telling them itâs over. that is far more courtesy and consideration than they deserve. cut contact, block, cancel all financial connections and donât tell them. they donât deserve the warning.
so sorry for what you have suffered OP. wishing you a better life going forward without these leeches.
always remember that family can be very toxic. for me, family is made of the people i choose to have in my life, not people who were foisted on me by way of heredity.
77
u/Right-Welder6949 Umommy Jul 14 '26
Agreed.
When cutting off my narcissistic parent I tried explaining and the response was shocking.
I was accused of not honoring my parents, told I want good and even had the nerve to say âYou donât love my like you love your children,â because I mentioned that I have to care for my children đ. Yikes!Op should not say a word, just go silent.
→ More replies (3)42
u/Andacus1180 đ§Salty By Nature Jul 14 '26 edited Jul 15 '26
Iâll add⌠it isnât putting yourself first in any kind of self-centered or selfish way. It is protecting yourself. I say this because I think itâs really easy for people to confuse putting yourself first as being self-centered or not caring about the people in your life. But they are causing harm OP. Cutting them off is just protecting yourself from bleeding out.
Edit: thanks for the award, stranger!
32
u/Simple_Twin Reddit Granny Jul 14 '26
"Self-care is not selfish." Repeat to yourself as needed. â¤ď¸
2
3
u/queen_elvis challah atcha girl âĄď¸ Jul 15 '26
Yes, this! OP needs to put on her own oxygen mask before she can help others.
140
u/TheSwearJarIsMy401k I â¤ď¸ Other People's Business Jul 14 '26
If you let them go, they will find a way to go.
If you donât let them go, they will never go anywhere without taking it from you to get there.
130
u/3skinn what that mouth do is snack Jul 14 '26
You shouldn't be sharing credit cards with your parents, especially the way yours are. Any cash transferred is a gift - if you can't afford to give it away, they can't have it, sorry!
64
u/Unlikely-Lab-658 Professional Nibbler Jul 14 '26
OMG. Freeze your accounts and credit now. When you cut them off, they will fight dirty. If you have to, file a police report of them stealing your identity for credit card theft. You should not have to pay for their excesses.
→ More replies (2)54
u/blanketfortlife APPROVED⨠Jul 14 '26
Is the lawsuit real? I feel like itâs another story like their previous work disasters⌠you poor thing though đĽ
16
u/cutegooo girl du fromage đ§ Jul 14 '26
thankfully yes this was. they are fairly incompetent when it comes to adult things, and couldnât come up with a lie this big. i also was the one who picked up my fathers check from the lawyer. he was expecting 8k, but i (not kind of regretfully) told him it was 12k, because i wanted them to feel the extra sense of security i felt when i saw it đ
51
u/lolaloses đť Girls' Room Guru đ Jul 14 '26
This sounds similar to what I have gone through with my parents in terms of their irresponsiblility, lack of parenting and lies with money/businesses. Racking up payments on my credit card with false means to pay me back and they have done worse to my older siblings, I luckily caught on early so my debts are not crazy. I have learnt to not fall for any sob stories or feel guilty, they have had many many years before and after you were born to learn how to manage there finances and have always chosen the selfish choice. Donât believe theyâll change they wonât. Everyone saying to cut off your family like itâs something so easy and simple, itâs not but that is for you to decide, I hope you have other people fighting your corner. The most important thing to do is present yourself as someone with no more money. It seems like you are always there for them no matter what at the expense of your own life, it will not make them love you any harder or realise how shitty theyâve been. You need to be selfish now and only think about yourself at least until youâre back on your feet and stable financially and completely cut them off (financially). You know you donât deserve this, you are a good daughter it is a shame you donât have the best parents.
→ More replies (2)32
23
u/Slenderbender369 Resident Yapper Jul 14 '26
Please donât give them anything else. They are adults and can take care of themselves. Itâs time to put yourself first and take care of yourself. No one else is going to! Itâs up to you to be there for YOU now. You are so smart and strong to have gotten through everything you have. Your future is bright, if you choose to put yourself first and stop helping others. Best of luck! You got this!
→ More replies (2)26
u/cutegooo girl du fromage đ§ Jul 14 '26
this is what kills me.. i was a super smart, creative kid. i got myself into a private school, but couldnât go because of my dad having a psychosis episode leading to me and my mom having to go to ev shelters for a bit⌠i graduated high school at 15 and went to uni straight after, but again, after some bullshit i had to stop after a year; and didnât return to uni until i moved overseas. thank you for your words â¤ď¸âđŠšđĽ˛
3
u/ImpressiveCrow877 Snack Goblin Jul 15 '26
Ugh this is so heartbreaking đ I am SO SO sorry you had to go through this. Im sending all the positive, healing vibes in the universe your way.
17
u/trowzerss Cleavage Crumb Collector Jul 14 '26
When do you get to live YOUR life. Your parents are supposed to set you up to have your own life, not leech off you when they're perfectly capable of supporting themselves. Cut ties. They will find someone else to exploit, those types always do, but YOU don't have to be their victim your whole life.
12
u/WickedlyWitchyWoman Kitchen Witch Jul 14 '26
First, if you're in charge of any money of theirs, cut them a check and send it.
Then tell them:
"I have no more money for you. It's all gone. I've locked the cards so you can't rack up debt. You'll have to find a way to support yourself from now on. As I will be finding ways to support myself."
Be prepared for a lot of anger, guilting, name-calling/insults, and accusations of "ingratitude".
Then go No Contact, and start rebuilding your life without them in it. There's no mending this. They see you as a checkbook, not their child. And they will continue taking until you are literally bankrupt and then blame you.
→ More replies (2)6
u/pikapika214 Lover of Soups Jul 14 '26
Check out codependents anonymous for support
→ More replies (2)6
u/Pure_Explorer3821 APPROVED⨠Jul 14 '26
You poor angelâ¤ď¸Go live your life. Honestly doing more would be co dĂŠpendant now that you know the truth. Just stop and cut them off. Donât be a part of this.
→ More replies (3)4
3
u/imouttahere000 Overthinker đ Jul 15 '26
Why do they have access to YOUR credit cards? That needs to stop yesterday.
3
u/DogsNCoffeeAddict Short Story Longâ˘ď¸ Jul 15 '26
So they didnât buy you a plane ticket. They bought themselves your gratitude with your own $3000. You bought yourself a plane ticket and they stole $2000 from you is the correct way to frame it to yourself and everyone else. If you are in debt you have no savings. Of someone gives you some money then steals more they owe you the money they stole they are not magically forgiven because that one time they gave you money to visit them. I am betting your visit was not a vacation as much as a stressful visit trying to keep them happy.
3
u/Top_Importance_4100 đ¨ I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside đ Jul 15 '26
One of the best things about growing up and being an adult, is the decision to decide who can be in your life, and who canât. This includes family. We donât owe our parents anything. Not a relationship, not money, not time-especially if there is abuse or control or narcissistic abuse. Take a breath. Put yourself first and figure out what you want and what makes you happy. Itâs time to live and time to shine on your own two feet. Build your own foundation đĽ°
→ More replies (4)→ More replies (26)2
u/Sportyj Noods đ > Dudes 𤥠Jul 14 '26
You have to walk away. Itâs so hard (trust me I know how this feels) but they will never change. Iâm so sorry.
2
u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker đ Jul 14 '26
Hey, seems you're new here! đ 𼰠You need to take 10 lil seconds to become an approved user to participate in r/GirlDinnerDiaries. We're holding your comment for review til then.
2 quick steps:
- If you're a dude, just let us know by replying "dude joining" to this comment. If not, reply with the classic pillowfort clubhouse password: "girls rule". đ
- Pick a user flair HERE. Flair options are sorted by Girly, Genderqueer, or Dude.
That's it! We'll restore your comment super fast! Thanks for stopping by đ
→ More replies (2)18
u/bwitch-please Shart Coochie Board Architect Jul 14 '26
This is the only answer. These people do not love you. You are not obligated to provide for them. Please live your life. They are adults and are responsible for themselves.
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (12)2
u/indecisive-bisexual we listen and we only judge a little Jul 15 '26
Yeah, I would not be talking to them anymore. They are immature and selfish.
1.5k
u/Fizzy_Lifesavers Professional Nibbler Jul 14 '26
I'm so proud of you for trying to set them up for their retirement in comfort, massive kudos. Your parents don't deserve the privilege of having you as a daughter though.
669
u/cutegooo girl du fromage đ§ Jul 14 '26
this hit me like a ton of bricks, thank you. i sincerely just could not live with myself if they had a horrible last decade or so of their lives, but i canât tell if the sacrifices ive made were actually worth it. i just want to rest knowing they got some solace.
722
u/dargenpacnw LET ME EAT CAKE đ° Jul 14 '26
You can rest knowing you did the absolute best you could.
→ More replies (4)289
u/cutegooo girl du fromage đ§ Jul 14 '26
â¤ď¸âđŠšâ¤ď¸âđŠšâ¤ď¸âđŠšđĽ˛ thank you so much. my soul truly needed to hear this
→ More replies (2)101
u/Main_Confusion_8030 Non-binary & Nourished Jul 14 '26
you've treated them with honour and integrity. they can't say the same.
123
u/Lausannea Carb-Based Life Form Jul 14 '26
i sincerely just could not live with myself if they had a horrible last decade or so of their lives
You are not responsible for the choices other people make. It is not your burden to carry. You did everything in your power to set them up for success and THEY failed YOU. Whatever happens to them now is 100% their responsibility. They are grown adults, they know better, they choose not to do better. That is not your responsibility to manage.
Girl, please, recognize that you did more for them than they ever did for you and even when you lined everything up perfectly, they still chose to betray you and make their lives difficult.
You owe them nothing. They chose to have you, you didn't choose them as your parents. You don't have to sacrifice yourself for people who, when they have everything handed to them, still sabotage themselves and you, who lie to you about it, who take advantage of you.
You only owe yourself the chance to live a fulfilling life. You went above and beyond for them. You have nothing to regret if you step away now when it comes to their future.
→ More replies (1)101
u/West_Poetry_3623 Internet Auntie Jul 14 '26
You are living in the delusion that enabled you to survive this all these years, by telling yourself fairy tales that are not true. Please see reality here and let them go, totally. They will take you down with them and you will have given them permission. They will never change and never appreciate you. Continuing to give your resources to them when they throw it all away lets you think it can change and the wounds will be healed. It won't change anything and no healing is coming from your efforts here. Save yourself.
85
u/emseefely Feral Til Fed Jul 14 '26
You want to provide them a comfortable last decade of their lives but did they ever give you even a peaceful year for yourself? I think this is your parting gift to them OP. You deserve to grow and reap from your own efforts from now on.
16
u/Riksunraksu APPROVED⨠Jul 14 '26
You are a child they did nothing to deserve. You deserve to live for yourself though and you cannot do it fully if they remain in your life
13
u/chuffalupagus  â Marked Safe From 90s Diet Culture Jul 14 '26
Have they made any effort to give you any good decades? Don't give them a good last decade at the expense of your life.
You are not their parent.
They will never stop taking from you unless you cut them off.
→ More replies (31)9
u/spacey_a Shart Coochie Board Architect Jul 14 '26
Why is their solace more important to you than your own?
Time to start changing that.
→ More replies (2)7
262
u/agodrevealed đThe Very Hungry Bookworm đ Jul 14 '26
Only you know what its worth to you to be in contact with them. But I sure as shit wouldn't be financially entangled with them.
You just said your biggest goal was essentially their welfare.
From now on, your biggest goal is YOUR welfare. Periodt.
37
690
u/Old-Parking8765 Assigned Hungry At Birth Jul 14 '26
Cut contact. They ruined themselves and were always ok with ruining you, too. It's not fair to you.
→ More replies (2)243
u/cutegooo girl du fromage đ§ Jul 14 '26
whew, this comment hurt to hear, but i sincerely needed it, thank you â¤ď¸âđŠšâ¤ď¸âđŠšâ¤ď¸âđŠš
52
u/GherkinJerkin đ Pickle Freak đ Jul 14 '26
and the sad reality is there is no amount of helping or saving you can do that will actually change this part of who they are. It will always be a temporary fix that they donât appreciate because if they truly did appreciate having money and using it wisely and not frivolously they would have done so before now/they wouldnât be in the situation they are in.
→ More replies (1)13
u/ShittyDuckFace we listen and we only judge a little Jul 14 '26
I can't understand what it's like to have that type of guilt hoisted upon you but I supported my father for many years. The only way that helped me through it is telling myself: They had their turn. They chose what to do with it. Now it's my turn to live my life.Â
142
u/Ok-Benefit197 APPROVED⨠Jul 14 '26
I think itâs time to prioritise yourself and your dreams. You deserve to be happy.Â
89
u/cutegooo girl du fromage đ§ Jul 14 '26
thank you so much đđ this entire post has been very reaffirming, time to take back my life!
25
u/Ordinary_Swimming582 APPROVED⨠Jul 14 '26
Good. If you need emotional support , come back we're always on your side.
8
3
544
Jul 14 '26
[removed] â view removed comment
→ More replies (3)211
u/cutegooo girl du fromage đ§ Jul 14 '26
exactly, while i am not rich, i do believe that money should never come before people. i donât care about it, i just cannot believe i was delusional for so long⌠đĽ˛
109
u/ViolettVixen đŞ Sauceress ⨠Jul 14 '26
You were not delusionalâŚthey were actively deceitful.
Iâm so sorry. You deserved better than what your parents gave you, right from the start.
29
u/333vernonlvr what that mouth do is snack Jul 14 '26
please donât beat yourself up for that. theyâre your PARENTS. the people who you look to for everything.. when they canât give you what you need, your desire for love doesnât just go away. for you, believing in them was what helped you get that need met and now itâs gone. that has nothing to do with anything youâve done. your heart is so big and iâm rooting for you â¤ď¸
12
u/cutegooo girl du fromage đ§ Jul 14 '26
thank you so so much for this. i really needed to hear it. i have so much love for them, and i truly just want them happy 𼲠but, itâs time to let goâ¤ď¸âđŠš
→ More replies (3)2
237
u/LynxEqual9518 Protein Queen đđł Jul 14 '26
You cannot control what two other adults choose to do with their lives!
Nor are you supposed to.
You've been carrying both of them for years, and this part makes me so angry because you were only 11 years old when it started, quite possibly even younger.
They're never going to change simply because you hope they will. They have no real incentive to take responsibility for their own lives. Why would they, when they have you? Their rescuer. Their safety net. Their pack mule.
I'm sorry for being this blunt, but you deserve a life of your own. You deserve to live, to love, to fail, to grow, to feel, and to make both good and bad choices for yourself.
Right now, you're not living your own life. You're functioning as their meal ticket, and an abused one at that. Please... for once, choose yourself. Be your own guardian, and don't let them drain you dry.
137
u/cutegooo girl du fromage đ§ Jul 14 '26
please donât apologize for being blunt, your kindness and care showed through that, thank you.
for sake of not truly trauma dumping, i will say things started truly around age 6, specifically 1st grade. i never completed a full year of education until i reached uni due to them.
i do need to let go, and live for myself. i let them guilt me into ruining so many opportunities, because of their weak and potentially malicious mindsets⌠â¤ď¸âđŠšâ¤ď¸âđŠš
96
u/LynxEqual9518 Protein Queen đđł Jul 14 '26
I suspected as much unfortunately.
I've had friends from several Asian countries, and while they're certainly not a monolith, I've seen this pattern repeat itself time and time again. Grown adults "feeding" off the younger generation, and almost always that one daughter in the family. Born to carry the burden from day one.
Because it's so deeply ingrained in the culture and in the way they're raised, they often don't question it. They don't fight to get away because every attempt is met with overwhelming guilt, pressure, and emotional manipulation from both their parents and the extended family.
So let me say this:
They will try to use your feelings against you. They will manipulate you. They will guilt-trip you. They may even become verbally abusive. All of that is likely to happen now that you're trying to free yourself.
Please don't fall for it.
Don't let that awful knot in the pit of your stomach make the decision for you. They are responsible for their own lives. You've been kind. You've been generous. You've carried far more than any daughter ever should, and you've been a better daughter than they deserved.
Now it's your turn.
I promise you that you are worth choosing. I'm rooting for you. And even though I'm as white as a ghost and a Norwegian who can never fully understand what you're about to face, I do know one thing: You have a back made of steel.
How else could you have carried all of this for so long?
3
u/Patient-Mastodon9137 APPROVED⨠Jul 16 '26
OP if you could only read one reply, please read this one.
→ More replies (2)5
u/lifetimechronicles Savory Complexâď¸ Jul 14 '26
Wow. No words.
It's time to free yourself from their shackles.
Congratulations on all that you've survived and for making it through and thriving. But it's time to focus on yourself and allow yourself to live and to be happy. Enough is enough.
→ More replies (2)
55
u/Strong_District_5894 Dip Diva Jul 14 '26
Drop the rope. Holy moly. I would nope right out of this.Â
43
Jul 14 '26
[deleted]
17
u/cutegooo girl du fromage đ§ Jul 14 '26
itâs going to be the most painful thing to ever do, but i think youâre right đ
8
u/Expandsonstories eat hot chipâď¸ be bisexualâď¸ Jul 14 '26
Do it, it'll hurt in the short term but is better in the long term.
They made their beds, they can lie in it.Â
Cutting off mine was one of the best decisions I ever made.
3
u/Fun-Yam2210 APPROVED⨠Jul 14 '26
Such a good  phrase - thank you. Wish Iâd learned it sooner.Â
44
u/Medium-Theme-4611 Professional Nibbler Jul 14 '26
As someone with similar parents, I resonated a lot with this. I just try to learn from their mistakes, but severing my emotions from their actions is so difficult. When they blow money, it pains me so much.
→ More replies (3)23
u/cutegooo girl du fromage đ§ Jul 14 '26
my heart breaks for you too my friend, i am so sorry you can relate đâ¤ď¸â𩹠the money part hurts so much, because it just really messed me up especially.
→ More replies (1)
22
u/ruggpea Assigned Hungry At Birth Jul 14 '26
Op Iâm so sorry.
I know in Asian cultures we are almost gas lit to believe we have to look after our parents when theyâre older but not like this. Theyâre ruining you financially and are more than ok with this.
It doesnât have to be this way. â¤ď¸
16
u/exhibitprogram đ§Salty By Nature Jul 14 '26
In Asian cultures children are supposed to look after our parents when we're older because parents are expected to sacrifice everything to take care of their children when they're younger. It's supposed to be a reciprocal relationship, which OP clearly never got! I immigrated as a young child with my parents to a western country and even though we also lived in poverty for quite a few years, they sacrificed every single moment of their time to take me to free activities at the library and to my friends' houses and to subsidized sports and arts lessons from the city, just so I could feel like I had an enriching childhood like my peers and not feel like I had less than them. THAT kind of stuff makes me want to make sure I buy their groceries every month now that they're retired.
Asian parents who don't take care of their kids and then lean into the cultural pressure for their kids to take care of them are basically doing stolen valour as far as I'm concerned. They failed their half of the bargain, they failed to uphold the cultural expectations on them as parents which means they release OP from that social contract. Be free and feel no guilt OP, they broke the contract first!
→ More replies (2)19
u/Particular_Fold3479 Sushi Superfan đŁ Jul 14 '26
As a Latin woman, OPâs post hurts and resonates so much. Iâve been abused emotionally, physically and financially by my mom and family. Blamed from day one for all of their woes, the scapegoat. Wanting autonomy and my own life is deemed as selfish because Iâm not putting the familyâs needs and wants above my own. The hurt and guilt one is made to feel is insane. Iâve always been the good daughter but once I spoke up respectfully, all hell broke loose. I was working around age 13 and my mom had me use my credit cards to keep the family afloat. I had to continuously work low paying jobs to pay it off and for necessities since then. They only offered to pay it like twice at a minimum when it was more than 1k in debt. They really set me up for failure. Iâm 36 years and had to move back home and it hasnât gotten any better. I dream of no contact one day when I leave but itâs hard. There will never be any accountability from them either which is the hurtful and disgusting part. Somewhere in all of this they still see themselves as the victims, especially during the time I left once they laid hands on me.
22
Jul 14 '26 edited Jul 14 '26
[removed] â view removed comment
7
u/cutegooo girl du fromage đ§ Jul 14 '26
thank you so much, i appreciate the suggestion, iâll definitely check it out đŤśđźâ¤ď¸â𩹠if you donât mind me asking, what does low contact mean for you?
i am debating between no contact or low contact, due to the fact i actually have control of their accounts, and there are some tasks they cannot do even with a vpn (i experienced this during uni)
78
u/BornTry5923 Internet Auntie Jul 14 '26
People who lived poor are the worst with money and will spend frivolously simply because they never could before. My mom inherited over 200k and blew it in 3 years, despite having my dad's pension and social security on top of it. The older generations can be mind-bogglingly irresponsible and immature. What makes it so much worse is how hard you worked. I'm sorry and I can only imagine the rage and pain. Your tried, but your parents failed you.
18
u/Old-Parking8765 Assigned Hungry At Birth Jul 14 '26
I'm so sorry to hear about your mom's stupid decisions. I hate financial irresponsibility especially from people with limited means (I grew up low-income)
17
12
u/paris-moonman Stud Muffin Jul 14 '26
I am so sorry about all of this + your years spent in the RTCs. Seriously so traumatic. Check out r/troubledteens if you havenât already.
I have fought hard to overcome my compulsion to be a Perfect, Lovable Daughterâ˘ď¸ after getting sent away. It was like I felt I had to prove that I was good, worthy, and âhealedâ in order to be loved and kept around, even though my parents caused my issues. I wonder if you can relate. Really hope you can set yourself free from this.
13
u/Maleficent_Ad_8069 APPROVED⨠Jul 14 '26
Fellow immigrant parentalized child here: please choose better for yourself.
I know you feel like an asshole doing so, I know itâll hurt yourself to let go, I know this feels like the ultimate betrayal but you canât go back now that youâve seen this.
You canât go back knowing exactly who they are.
And the person whoâs going to hurt you more if you keep helping them isnât your parents, itâs yourself.
Do the bare minimum if you feel so inclined to but ultimately you have to discover you and be as uncommitted to your family as possible.
8
u/cutegooo girl du fromage đ§ Jul 14 '26
i have the immigrant parent x white parent who was in a super entangled family, so i feel like i get different tactics thrown at me; such as the traditional immigrant parent tropes, white parent entitlement and manipulation.
i do have all control of their bank accounts, and power of attorney ; so i will ensure they are able to access their funds. i have always toyed with this idea, and i think itâs a good step towards no contact, but it might give me false hope đ
12
u/Maleficent_Ad_8069 APPROVED⨠Jul 14 '26
OP Iâm also immigrant parent x white European parent. I hear you.
By no means did I mean to tell you to go no contact, Iâm simply encouraging you to create a system that benefits you to the highest extent possible without you getting in trouble with the law.
I have another friend whoâs also immigrant parent x white parent, theyâre currently taking care of their dying abusive parent because thatâs what benefits them.
My mom verbally and psychologically abused me to the point I nearly dropped out of college and my dad sold meth/ left me- his eldest daughter to man the house Fiona Gallagher style.
To this day I still give my mom her talk sesh ( she uses me like a therapist) and I still donât really bother with my dadâs life.
All the while I go to school, I work, I have and prioritize relationships, the contact is all I can give them and ultimately itâs on my terms.
I think the issue with dual cultures in marriages is sometimes the kids see twice the abuse and none of the support, so when we face times like these really the only person who can decide what will happen next is ourselves. Let the dust settle and youâll see what serves you most.
2
u/cutegooo girl du fromage đ§ Jul 14 '26
this helped me immensely. i really do hope for an extremely low contact, and to cut financial ties entirely. i do think a lot of us face twice the abuse with little to no visibility, especially when the white parent is a woman. thank you for your thoughtful comments, and i am so sorry we can relate đĽ˛â¤ď¸âđŠš
9
Jul 14 '26
[removed] â view removed comment
4
u/cutegooo girl du fromage đ§ Jul 14 '26
i finally told my aunt (dads side) and cousin + brother (moms side) about how she has called me an ungrateful bitch, how much she hates me, and hopes i die; and most of the time itâs in reaction to me trying to get to the bottom of things that are important, or when iâm in a mental health crisis.
they were so enraged and said theyâve never spoken about their children that way, let alone to their face. made me realize itâs not fucking normal !!
→ More replies (1)
8
u/Ok_Investment4104 Assigned Hungry At Birth Jul 14 '26
You canât save people or help people who donât want to help themselves. Your parents donât need your help. Mend the wound in your heart and do what you need to do the ensure you have the best future. Youâre kind and generous and selfless, but your parents will continue to walk all over you. They can survive on their own, and they will be fine. You need to sever everything before they take you down further with them.
→ More replies (4)
7
u/PizzasBoyfrind đŠľđââď¸đ Jul 14 '26
Food looks fire, queen. Good luck đđĽ˛đŤś
7
u/cutegooo girl du fromage đ§ Jul 14 '26
it truly was! everything on this menu is fantastic, and we usually just split one dish but decided to ball a bit due to the situation, well worth it!!! đ§¸đĽł
6
u/Ordinary_Swimming582 APPROVED⨠Jul 14 '26
I would cease contact with these people. You are their money tree, that's all. I am sorry.I have to put it that way , but it is true. They have abused you. They keep taking that money and lying, because they don't need it. It's a form of abuse , just like all the other abuse they gave you. You need to see it like it is, so that you don't continue to endure this behavior.
Move on and begin to enjoy your life and not be the parent anymore. I'm glad you've been getting counseling đŠˇđŠˇ My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best. Reading this broke my heart.
7
11
u/DagnyTaggart1980 Protein Queen đđł Jul 14 '26
Why are you sacrificing yourself for people who are abusive and ungrateful? All they have ever done is take advantage of you. Stop enabling them. Cut them off and give them a taste of their own medicine.
13
u/cutegooo girl du fromage đ§ Jul 14 '26
this is the kind of attitude i need. i let my heart get in the way a lot. my parents definitely over shared their trauma with me to a point that i have ocd visualizations of their trauma! this isnât right! đ thank youâ¤ď¸âđŠšđ§¸đĽ˛đĽ˛
→ More replies (4)9
u/DagnyTaggart1980 Protein Queen đđł Jul 14 '26
You are very welcome. I can tell you are someone who has a genuinely good heart and it makes me so sad to see good people getting taken advantage of like that.
Please see into the topic of "parentified child", there are lots of good resources and videos out there. You were brainwashed into thinking that you had to carry this burden, but that is not true. Wishing you the best on your healing journey!
4
u/EmmalouEsq Hazy Grazer đśâđŤď¸ Jul 14 '26
Your parents don't respect you and just expect you pay for their frivolous spending. Wtf are they buying with that money? I'm in Sri Lanka right now and $300 to $500 every few days would be crazy rich money, even renting a big house.
Save your money. They don't deserve help. That is reserved for parents who dedicated their lives to ensuring their children succeed. You know, doing actual parenting.
You deserved that. And now you're throwing your money away while they blow it all doing who knows what. That's your Ḽard earned money and they don't even respect you enough to be thankful for everything you've done.
Save your money and take a vacation on your own. And cut them off financially.
11
u/iMakestuffz Cleavage Crumb Collector Jul 14 '26
Please let them face the consequences.
They are a mess.
Go live your best life without them.
6
u/Apocalyptic-turnip đŠ Food Aggressive đ˝ď¸ Jul 14 '26 edited Jul 14 '26
Girl you did their taxes at 11 years old?? they have parentified you, they were using you, and they don't deserve your trust, or your forgiveness. Are you sure they changed?Â
listen to me, they are adults who are responsible for their own lives and retirement. if they spent all the money you gave them, that is the bed they made and they can lie in it. these people will leech everything out of you and destroy your life if you do not cut contact. You are so capable and you deserve better than to have your life destroyed by these people who are using you as a free bank.Â
I had to cut contact with my parents too and i'm asian so i get the guilt but i promise you you owe them nothing and things will get so much better.
I vote cut contactÂ
3
u/Fun-Yam2210 APPROVED⨠Jul 14 '26
Oof. Iâm so sorry theyâve put you through all this. Some people just arenât cut out (and donât deserve) to be parents. Cut them loose. Itâs time they grew up and learned to look after themselves.Â
6
u/Feeling-Guide9174 đŚ Fruit Bat Baddie đ Jul 14 '26
Everyone is different, I personally wouldn't cut contact right off the bat.
But I would absolutely stop giving them money.
Call in and check on them every once in a while, but that's the extent of it.
Cancel your ticket and go somewhere you want to go maybe? Seeing them right now before you process all of that is a bad idea.
Sorry OP. It'll get better though đ
4
u/ElettraSinis Sweet Tooth Fairyđ§ââď¸ Jul 14 '26
I will tell you what I was told about my own family's reckless spending, growing up in almost poverty, always asking family friends for loans: let them drown. They are adults and they must learn how to manage on their own. If they can't, it's on them, you have spent enough of your time and energy and mental health trying to save them from themselves. I know it's going to hurt to see them in distress, but I can't stress it enough , you have to put on your oxygen mask first (and in this case, as others have said, just peace out maybe).
Reddit loves this mantra, but stop setting yourself on fire to keep them warm!
5
u/bagmami Dip Diva Jul 14 '26
I hope you find the strength to build yourself up again and cut them off for good.
3
3
u/ErnestBatchelder APPROVED⨠Jul 14 '26
It's such a hard day when it hits you that the child part of you, who always held out hope they'd one day become who you needed them to be, has been let down for the final time. I hope this is your final time.
You can forgive people even after betrayal-- but without allowing them back into your life in the same capacity. First you have to come to grips with one truth: they will never change; you can only change your behaviors towards them.
(a) cancel your trip and take a little time off from them.
(b) cut off all money.
(c) be wary of venting to family. Once the money is cut off, they will send relatives after you to guilt you into bailing them out.
Next life goal is for you to start parenting yourself the way you always wanted to be parented. That means standing up for yourself, making sure you have money for security, and knowing you deserve good people and good things.
3
u/cutegooo girl du fromage đ§ Jul 14 '26
thank you for such a thoughtful comment, it truly touches my heart.
the part about not allowing them back into your life was something i actually did, by moving to china for four years. when i returned to the states, it was just so easy to fall back into the comfort of the chaos. i remember how freeing it felt, and i truly developed myself.
i am thinking about changing the destination or potentially postponing the trip + changing the destination; i do love travel and have friends globally whom i can visit.
the only reason why i feel okay venting to my family is because, on both sides, theyâve known about how much of a bad parent they are; but my parents really never let me connect with family much, so i never heard the truth.
again, thank you. i know this next chapter of my life will be hard at first, but i do know that time does helpâ¤ď¸âđŠšđĽ˛đĽ˛
→ More replies (1)
5
u/IndigoTrailsToo Overthinker đ Jul 14 '26
I think you should run a credit check and make sure they haven't taken out any credit cards in your name.
That will be their next step.
3
u/cutegooo girl du fromage đ§ Jul 14 '26
the only reason their credit became eligible for any cards is because i made them authorized users on mine, they made me an authorized user on their one card they share as well. my father asked me to co-sign a 4k loan less than a year ago to help pay off debt, but i said no. and, any mail they get is sent to me, so any new cards id see.. i will definitely run the check still, and i will be locking my cards unless i have to use them myself
3
u/IndigoTrailsToo Overthinker đ Jul 14 '26 edited Jul 14 '26
Those are all good steps, approve!!
But what I meant is, the next step in this playbook is for them to take out credit cards in your name using your information, without you even knowing that they are doing it. đ¨
Edit: if this is a legitimate concern for you you might consider a company that locks down things that can be created in your name, usually they help with identity theft, for example companies like LifeLock. That way you don't have to worry
3
u/babettetimes Hazy Grazer đśâđŤď¸ Jul 14 '26
I would severely limit contact. I wonât say cut out bc in my own experience no contact hurt me far too much to do but thatâs just me.
3
u/Wolfinder đśď¸ Spice Girl đśď¸ Jul 14 '26
Why on earth would you sabotage yourself trying to help them? They don't love you. They never will. You have to let them go.
As someone who was similarly abused and abandoned, I highly recommend the book What My Bones Know.
→ More replies (3)
2
2
u/HonestAltruist APPROVED⨠Jul 14 '26
I'm 35 and cut contact with my mother age 18 and father age 28. It was the best thing i ever did. I had a rough traumatic childhood with abuse. Ever since cutting them off i found so much peace and was able to heal properly. Therapy helped a lot but cutting out toxic family in combination with therapy was the best. No regrets at all.
2
u/Protect-Their-Smiles Lover of Soups Jul 14 '26
It is time to build things around you, there is no happiness to be found in other people (am not trying to say you can't be happy with other people, but the foundation of it comes from inside yourself). They dragged you along, refusing to grow up and take accountability - and what has it cost you?
Disengage and rebuild yourself. They will continue to take until you're spent.
2
u/complete_autopsy Feral Til Fed Jul 14 '26
Since I've seen you leaving positive responses to people who suggested cutting contact, I think you might want to take a look at the Estranged Adult Child sub. There are a lot of us who has stories like yours so you might see some of what you've experienced mirrored back at you. At least for me, it was very helpful to see that the patterns I had endured were something many people experienced, and that life could be different if I stepped away.
2
u/wanttobeloved-216 Thick Thighs âł Thin Patience Jul 14 '26
Some people do not deserve the pretty much unconditional love of a child. Out of all those people I think ur parents have won. Please give urself some permission to be âselfishâ because holy fuck this is insane
2
u/MotherTeresaOnlyfans đ§Salty By Nature Jul 14 '26
OMG just go no contact.
Your relationship with them is just a form of self-harm at this point.
FREE YOURSELF.
2
u/Reoclassic Lover of Soups Jul 14 '26
How do I make eggplant like this? No online recipe sticks
→ More replies (4)
2
u/cozyheart đśď¸ Spice Girl đśď¸ Jul 14 '26
Sounds like your parents are narcissistic. Unfortunately, not rare in Asian households.
→ More replies (3)
2
u/Simple_Opposite2184 Ms. Two Cents Jul 14 '26
What the heck did I just read? OP, I admire everything you have done for your parents but it's time for you to live your life and worry about YOU. They are grown people who will continue to make bad decisions and clearly don't give a shit about exploiting you.
→ More replies (2)
2
u/A_solus_solas_1122 APPROVED⨠Jul 14 '26
damn maybe you should look into astrology to see whats wrong with your mother
→ More replies (2)
2
u/Character-Quality334 Chamoy đĽ > Ya Boy 𤥠Jul 14 '26
For the rest of this lifetime, choose to live for you. No one deserves to carry all of the weight theyâve put on you. You are not the parents, they are! And clearly youâve managed to do all of this without their help or guidance. Imagine how free you can be without carrying them on your shoulders đŤśđ˝ be free, beautiful soul!
→ More replies (2)
2
u/alexds1 đł eggs? in this economy?? Jul 14 '26
Some parents literally have kids as a retirement plan/ investment (my mom def thought I was going to be a caretaker and source of finances). But that only comes to pass if you're willing to let them put everything on your back. Despite it all it's hard to cut parents off, cuz you love them, but you've truly put in enough resources to find out that they are going to take them down with you. Please unburden yourself, you don't deserve this for the rest of your life.
2
u/Decent_Check2084 Sugar, Spice & Not Very Nice đ Jul 17 '26
Your parents are con-artists and you need to go no-contact. Iâm so sorry. Thereâs really no other way. They will bleed you dry or you will get in legal trouble if you continue to stay connected.
2
u/jester-count Big Back Baddie Jul 18 '26
I am honestly surprised after how they treated you growing up that you went to such lengths to help them retire, you have a good heart and they absolutely do not deserve you. proof that the parents you have don't fully dictate how you turn out because you have been through so much and come out such a caring and responsible person. as another parentified kid - it's time to let them go. something i have struggled with my whole life (and it seems you too) that i often have to remind myself of is the old adage "you can take a horse to water but you can't make them drink". don't let them spend on your credit cards, freeze them and get new numbers if you can (and dispute their recent transactions if you can). don't let them ruin you financially. be free, if not for yourself then for your younger self who deserves a life of peace and happiness. that horse will never drink no matter how much you care for it and want it to
→ More replies (2)
2
u/Mystic_Wunder nom nom, nod nod Jul 18 '26
At some point they have to live the consequences of their choices. Move on with your life and wish them well.
1
1
1
1
1
1
1
1
1
1
1
u/MissAuroraRed Oversharer đŁ Jul 14 '26
I'm sorry OP. You deserve so much better than this.
Sounds like it's time to put firm boundaries in place and end this financial enmeshment you have with your parents. It's their lives, you can't fix it for them if they're lying to you and squandering your generosity.
This is not a situation where two poor people need a helping hand to get out of the pit. They are in the pit voluntarily and will jump back in again each time they're pulled out.
1
1
u/Frostytwam Assigned Hungry At Birth Jul 14 '26 edited Jul 14 '26
their relationship dynamic sounds complicated. Your father may have been womanising and that can make women crazy. Nonetheless they have always worked to provide for you. The fact that your mom did not leave could show that they are very toxic for eachother. You need to cut contact and be careful of what family member you get information from.
if your father is so strong why would he let her mess up your future like that...theres more to this then meets the eye. Also I have worked in the pizza/restaurant business, trust me its like a soap opera, its can be normal to walk in on people hooking up etc. Not to say your parents were but it sounds like they had a very toxic set up. Most of those people were coupled up in these industries or even married. Why would your father need to rely on her so much, why did he not fire her and find staff with his family etc,
Honestly am not trine blame both of them but be careful of their stories and go directly to the source to get all sides.
FYI
CUT THEM OFF at least financially
1
1
1
1
1
1
u/Nattlexsnake APPROVED⨠Jul 14 '26
Itâs a really tough thing to realize and youâre going to go through a process of grieving because of what they canât ever be to you, and what you lost along the way. Ultimately it will be ok, because in spite of your suffering you clearly have a kind and giving spirit and they have to live with the fact that theyâll never understand what that means. They have to live with never truly knowing their daughter and the life they could have had with you in it. Iâm sorry you didnât get the family you deserve.
1
u/thethingywthethingy APPROVED⨠Jul 14 '26
You cannot keep setting yourself on fire to keep them warm, specially when they are playing with water.
Bid them farewell if you have to in a note where you put all your feelings and then cut contact.
You are worth more than this. You need to start living.
→ More replies (2)
1
u/gorkt đ§Salty By Nature Jul 14 '26
Yes, itâs tough when you realize your parents arenât the people you thought they were. I always thought my mom was the 100% innocent victim in her toxic relationship with my stepfather, then came to the realization that she was an equal contributor.
1
u/87jules13 đśď¸ Spice Girl đśď¸ Jul 14 '26
As a parent and as a daughter: cut contact. Completely. Without looking back. You did everything you could, they didn't. They failed you as their child.
You gave them everything and more, you deserve to set a permanent boundary and rest
1
1
u/HalfwaydonewithEarth Tangent Tour Guide đ Jul 14 '26
https://www.np.reddit.com/r/enlightenment/s/cvK3k6JmtR
I wrote that for you.
1
1
u/Booger_Picnic Snack Goblin Jul 14 '26
I'm so sorry. You are such a good daughter, and you've tried so hard for so long, but your parents are just terrible and they aren't going to change. You deserved better and they failed you, badly.
Going forward you need to think about yourself and your own future. No more hand-outs, no more labour, and don't let them guilt you about it because they will try. They've done nothing for you, and it's about time you did likewise.
1
1
u/myhv nom-nom-nombinary Jul 14 '26
Dunno about cutting contact, but you really should stop giving them any money. But I understand the struggle, especially since they are close family. I have a friend who is essentially living off my salary. Yeah, they might earn some money working abroad (usually 2-4 times my monthly salary), but it's gone at an astounding rate. They probably owe me good 20k at this point, that I don't really expect to ever see back. But I still help them, it's hard to cut off someone you care about.
→ More replies (3)
1
u/nolimbs APPROVED⨠Jul 14 '26
You should read what my bones know! I think it would really benefit you. Itâs about cptsd and familial abuse from an Asian American lens. These people donât love you, they donât even like you. Take care of yourself first
→ More replies (2)
1
1
u/SimpleCantalope APPROVED⨠Jul 14 '26
Best of luck to you. Let them lay in the bed they have made for themselves, it's not your problem.
1
1
1
1
u/Additional-Hat8078 Big Back Baddie Jul 14 '26
Similar relationship/history with my parents. Takers are always going to take.There is no amount of giving and sacrifice on your end that is ever going to make them see your value and suddenly start appreciating and respecting you.
Their actions and selfishness put you at a disadvantage the first part of your life. You don't have to keep allowing them to cut you at your knees like this. You did EVERYTHING, and then some! If they don't see it and want to keep splitting in your face then you have to decide how this moves forward. The best part is that it doesn't have to move forward.
You deserve to find and surround yourself with people that see you and your efforts for them. Those people become family. Sometimes a stranger on the street has better intentions for you then the people you share blood with.
→ More replies (2)
1
u/Actual_Quiet_1239 Assigned Hungry At Birth Jul 14 '26
I am so sorry that youâre going through this. Itâs unfair to feel like youâre the parent and I have so much empathy for you when you said that you have been the parent in the family (I did and still do the same thing for my parent đ).
Itâs hard to unlearn this role of feeling like you have to be a caregiver to your parents. You may feel guilty for cutting contact with them or putting up boundaries but at the end of the day, the person who is suffering is you. If you donât put your own wellbeing first, then who will? Definitely not your parents.
→ More replies (2)
1
1
1
u/EndiWinsi Sweet Tooth Fairyđ§ââď¸ Jul 14 '26
Please do what's best for you! For once, make yourself your priority! These people have showed nothing but disrespect! They will keep using you and spitting you out and you will striggle to rebuild your life! Love yourself enough to walk away from this train wreck!
1
u/reindeerly 𪿠feeding the soft animal of my body Jul 14 '26
despite everything you've went through, it sounds like you turned out to be a really spectacular person. im very sorry to hear that your parents took advantage of that for so long.
you deserve better, cut contact & focus all of that love and effort on yourself now. you've done MORE than enough for them!
1
u/liluzicardiovert Savory Complexâď¸ Jul 14 '26
i am so sorry ⌠you sound like a wonderful daughter.
i canât help but fixate on the food. long shot but is this bamboo house
→ More replies (2)
1
1
u/Riksunraksu APPROVED⨠Jul 14 '26
Cut contact, go to therapy. Your parents didnât change, or if they did they only changed the way they abused you. Start from the beginning and live for yourself, no one else. Your parents are adults, let them he responsible for themselves and donât let them use you anymore
1
1
1
1
u/Unlikely-Lab-658 Professional Nibbler Jul 14 '26
These incredibly childish parents are responsible for their own future, not you. You need to cut them off yesterday. They will suck you dry, and pressure you to continue supporting them for the rest of their lives. It is time to take care of yourself and your own family if you have one. Let go of the anchor.
1
1
u/No-Insurance-921 𼪠BLTease đ Jul 14 '26
That sounds like your parents have been manipulating you your entire life. They were supposed to be there for you, providing for you, nurturing you for your future, and have not done so. Sever ties with them completely change your phone number, block all access any of your information or banking. Build a life for yourself and spend it with people that appreciate you and will help you enjoy life.
→ More replies (1)
1
u/teresajs APPROVED⨠Jul 14 '26
You are still being abused (financially). Stop giving them money. Report the credit cards as being compromised and get new cards issued. Cut contact completely if that's what you need to do.
You gave your parents an opportunity to retire and they are sucking you dry. You need to focus on setting up your finances for your own needs and wants now. Â
Absolutely not a penny more for your parents. It's time for you to shine. pay down your credit cards, start investing for your retirement, and leave some money for fun for yourself.
1
â˘
u/trendingtattler AutoMaude đ¤đ Jul 14 '26
WHEEEWW girl đŽâđ¨ buckle up! Your post made it to /r/all!
Congratudolences! đ If the rate of notifications starts getting to you, no need to delete your post! Instructions in Sanity Saver #5 can help you mute them. For the rest of y'all...
Welcome to r/GirlDinnerDiaries!
We love when new girlies stumble in! But a few unique things about how we roll here:
â˝ You're now entering the Girl Zone đ¨ Guys' guidance summarized: stick to GIFs or emojis, or otherwise be patient for mods' manual comment reviews. Don't embarrass your mama. đ¤¨
â˝ Approved users only! Newbies will be prompted to take 10 lil seconds to get approved. Nbd.
â˝ BE KIND, BE THOUGHTFUL or BEGONE. Our communication standards are higher than just "don't be mean." Check em out here.
â˝ Queer friendly. The end.
â˝ ED-recovery friendly. No food critiques, body shaming, diet advice, or calorie counting kinda talk. Call your almondmom for that.
ModMail is open & active. MWUAH! đđŤ´đ
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.