Look now, I don't have issues if I was the only kid they had

I'd do whatever they said.
But its like i am an only child with the responsibility of an elder child.
My younger sister does absolutely nothing.
For example, i came back from gym today, had leg day and so naturally had some soreness in my legs. Now i was helping doing some work in our house. 2hrs in and my mom calls me. I go to check and she asked me to warm up the food. Okay, the problem? My sister was sitting right beside her on the sofa.
She could’ve asked her. Many such instances happen in my house. I can’t wait to have my own place

I’ll start:

“Why aren’t you more like…(cousin, friends kids)”

“There’s no such thing as finished work”

“Stupid people (you) need to work harder”

Hi, I am a 20F college student and long-story short, I got to live on campus for the first time this past summer. I gained a sense of independence away from my AP, especially my AM. It was only for the summer and did not extend to the fall semester. I live with my boyfriend now. They don’t know that. I told them I am still living on campus. My AM calls 3-5 times a week. I only pick up 1-2 so she knows I am alive and doesn’t show up at my school unexpectedly. Unfortunately, my uni is only a 20 minute drive from my family home so truly it matters I answer her calls at least once.

Last month, she mentioned she wanted to come visit and SEE my room for herself to confirm I am actually living there. Obviously I panicked and asked a friend if I can borrow her room in case AM actually came which she agreed to. AM never came. Now come to today, she mentioned coming tomorrow and now I feel like I am in this cycle of craziness, anxiety, and sadness. I am so stressed about it even though I know I can say no. But I can’t control the immense pressure and guilt I feel. I plan to tell her that I am going to live at my boyfriend’s after my fall semester ends which is literally in a month and a half. I don’t know what to do. Half of me just want to blurt out the truth but then it would also uncover a huge lie I’ve been telling. But if I just reject her visit and wait, I just keep feeling intense guilt. I cry about it. I have horrible anxiety about it that I can’t go to sleep sometimes. I have slowly set boundaries with my AM but it is this LIE that I have to gobble up and wait till the right time.

Genuinely I don’t know what to do. I know I am going to reject her visit tomorrow but then I can’t control my emotions and my overthinking.

I (24f) was born and raised in east Asia, never left. My parents are divorced and since then my mom just nonstop criticises me no matter what I do. My mom has since remarried and while I don’t hate my stepdad I don’t want much of a relationship with him. He gets invited at the last minute to my birthday dinners. I have to thank him for gifting me anything but I wish he wouldn’t. He was also invited at the last minute to meet my bf at the time, which I was offended by. But again I wasn’t in a good position to say no. I don’t like talking around him, because I know he can hear.

The other day I talk to my mom about a program I’m joining in the US and she agrees to meet with the family I’ll be staying with over the phone during dinner. I see my stepdad coming over before dinner and I say hello but I immediately stop making conversation. She’s talking to him the whole time anyway. WLater I ask if he’s coming along to talk to the American family and she replies “he’s just here to advise”. I blow up, I tell him that it would be a bad idea safety wise for a foreign family to know that my family is broken; I’m annoyed that neither of them seemed to think about that. I tell him he isn’t my dad and he isn’t welcome to join. It’s also bc he gets invited to my birthday dinners, Mother’s Day lunches, and the time I was going through a rough breakup and explicitly said I needed to talk to my mom about it. He gets invited at the last minute and it would always be rude for me to say no. Anyway he tells me not to assume he cares about me at all, and that he’s only there for my mom. I tell him that I didn’t invite him anyway. My mom says I’m selfish and didn’t think I’d hurt his feelings. I tell her I don’t care about his feelings

Today as I’m filling in my visa application, the agency suddenly tells me that there was an error in my forms and they’ve cancelled the entire thing. I’ve dealt with it for months and told everyone I was going. I was pretty dumbfounded. It could have been avoided if I had filled in the forms more carefully but I’m still very upset. I call my mom to inform her and she immediately goes off saying that it makes sense for them to cancel it as it appears that I lied on my forms. And how I can’t just be angry at them by being selfish.

Everything is about me being selfish. I told her I was just trying to look for some emotional support, not making excuses for myself. But she was still kind of flippant about it and didn’t seem to think it was a big deal. If this were my brother she would say a lot more. She also likes to compare us which I think is wild because he’s been to jail for videoing teenage boys in the bathroom.

Tldr my mom’s resentful at my dad since they got divorced and everything is about how I’m a selfish narcissist. I can be selfish sometimes yes but I really don’t feel like this is the right time to get a lecture on why my selfish behaviour has rightfully resulted in being removed from the program so suddenly.

Especially when you don't even have a personal room to lean on it makes you wanna kill yourself

Guys, sometimes I do feel it'd be better if my family is not a good and close one...

I'm an Southeast Asian. I'm 24F, and I've an elder sister. My family was very very poor when I was a kid, and because of my parent's hard work and now we are better, not rich but some kind of lower medium class that at least we can live and be educated. Even though life had been extremely hard, my parents loved us so much and gave us the best within their ability. One example was they always brought us to local children's event, which were free, like colouring event etc, and I remembered kids always had a small foldable table because all we were all sitting on the floor to colour, and we couldn't afford a foldable table and my parents DIY a detachable table made by sturdy cupboard. Even in such situation, they still tried their best to let us explore and experience as many different things as possible.

Now me and my sisters have started working and lucky enough to find a proper job. We are single now, and I know I'm more ambitious than my sister. I want to move out, to different countries, while my sister prefers to stay local and have a stable life (at least it's what she makes me feel, as of now). All of us are introverts. Both my parents are never outgoing people since they're young. They just worked, and took care of us the whole life. So is my sister and I, rarely hang out with friends and just go back home straight after work and rest on rest days. But I'm starting to feel like I wanna hang out more and experience more things. My parents never stop me from doing so, but I feel more obligated, and lazy to go out tbh, to stay at home with them when I'm living with them.

Currently we will go on family trip at least once per year. They do love travelling as well, even if it's just local and to different states and they do have the idea of maybe having a family annual trip to oversea once per year and having few other trips to different states within the country in the same year. But since I do plan to visit somewhere further (Europe etc, that are very expensive for me and I can't afford to pay for them, and it'd be impossible for them to go on one if we still having such annual trip every year) and not like I earn a lot from my work, not to even mention it's very hard (almost impossible) for me to take so many leaves in a year if I were to go on so many trips in a year. So I try expressly telling them that don't wait for me as I might not have time and money, and it's not necessarily to have all of us for every trip, you two can go on your own. They sometimes say they understand and they will go on their own, but they never do so. Even though they say they only ask for one annual family trip to have everyone here, but I doubt that and I think they're still waiting for full attendance for every trip.

Besides that, I'm thinking of moving out and to another country. I've told them about this before and of course they say as long as I'm safe, and I can have a rather comfortable living there instead of barely surviving and not enjoying life there, they're fine with it. (I'm in nowhere soon in achieving this goal yet and currently they still strongly objecting to this plan yet, but yea, I'll leave this out for this post because it's too long already.) But I do feel they will be SO GODDAMN SAD and their daily lives are starting to rely on me especially when it comes to tech related. Since I'm currently still live with them, I often see them so struggling with the tech thing and we have to help them out and I suspect they might take days or never be able to figure it out.

I know these don't sound like urgent issues, but guys, I'm really in this dilemma and feeling mentally exhausted because of my guilt. I sometimes really hope they never treat me so well so I can just turn around and live my life. But now I feel guilt even just not spending all my time with them.

I wanna move to other country because there's not much growth and career opportunities in my country anymore, the pay is lower as well and I want to experience different kind of life in other countries. I just feel like no matter which one I choose, I'll regret....

Disclaimer: I don't think they are emotional manipulating me or guilt tripping me, I think I'm just feeling guilty even though their sadness of seeing daughter leaving them is normal for every parent.

Parents think that jus cuz they gave birth to you they have the right to control you forever. They don't care about your will to live your own life. They don't even give you space. They torture you with their words and never want you to move out and live independently. It's toxic as fuck.

25F South Asian. My family (my mother and younger brother 16M) is dependent on me financially to an extent. I secured a job offer in the capital city which is better aligned with my career goals (pivot to consulting from corporate banking). My mother won't let me move because my relatives who live in the capital have told her how it's super unsafe for a single girl and that i'll be pimped out by my landlord or unknown flatmates because prostitution and 'living in' is prevalent in the capital. SO I will fall prey to such practices.

I've lived with my mother all my life, even through college. My dad passed away during covid. I've had to spend a massive portion of my earnings to run the household over the last 6 years and due to my lack of ability to draw boundaries with my mother, I have not been able to save at all. I took out a loan to settle some off her debts in the interim, as a result of which whatever I had saved in my provident fund from my last job will go towards settling that. I have ZERO savings and live paycheck to paycheck. My mother made some poor financial decisions and some family circumstances out of our control as a result of which this happened. Anyway, shit happens. I don't blame her for my lack of savings because I gave the money out of my will to help my family.

The job in my hometown was getting unbearable for me and I feel like I had reached a saturation point and the only way for me to get a better role was to look for better opportunities in the capital. My mother says I should either stay and work here OR move out of the country all together. I applied for business school overseas but I just cannot afford it right now even with the 55% scholarship I was offered because I have no savings and need my father's property to be sold so I have the money. and NO I do not want to take any further debt.

Is it really this expensive and hard to be born as a brown girl? I have to purchase my freedom by taking out a loan for business school at double digit interest rates? In this economy.

I need advice from folks who have navigated moving out from a brown household before. yes the capital is not SAFE but it is not that UNSAFE. I have friends who live there and are getting by. I could manage by myself. I am an adult. I could rebel and leave like that but two things I am worried about:

1. My mother's health may deteriorate if I leave like this because she is so dependent on me emotionally. She's ok with me moving out of the country and can stomach that but can't handle my moving to a new city within the country.

2. My family is financially dependent on me. I know for a fact that if I just leave like that, she'll stop accepting contributions for household expenses from me and may self sabotage not only herself but my brother too.

I love my mom AND i have to choose myself this time. It's such a tough call.

i realised i have a toxic connection with my parents, my mother screams me at me whenever shes doing the household chores (shes currently unemployed) and she will bring the house down to pieces, scream, and do everything to prove that shes working hard, she only started doing this cause shes unemployed now, before we had some help and she hates when i am on my gadgets too much, i was literally reading on my ipad DURING MY FALL BREAK, i wont have this time after a few days cause schools starting. she picks on the silliest things, and its always me she never bothers with my twin sister, and she doesnt miss the chance to fatshame and her parents join her on that calling me a buffalo and my dad, hes always away due to work, he comes home like once a month, and he hit me with his belt once cause i got a shitty mark back when i was 8th grade ( i didnt fail) i never ever told any of this to no one, i guess im avoidant and i have huge trust issues,i just cant wait to graduate ( im in 11th grade now)

and the comparing,

they always compare to girls who studied harder, are slimer, better communication skills

and i remember once, my mother told me to run away cause im ruining her life and ever since i was born, everything went downhill for her

I am looking into therapy and I don't know if an Asian person who could empathize more would be beneficial or not. I know that is a lot of assuming on my part they also went through a traumatic past. Just wanted to see before I made a decision. Thanks.

Hello everyone, I need your help in a complaint registered against my whole family. I'm M29 and I've been diagnosed with adhd and not speaking clearly (totala) since I was a kid. still not doing job or master degree because I don't get any focus or believe to I understand everything because of emotional abuse by my parents I get since I kid and since growing in abusive till now.

My father and mother's arranged marriage never got going peacefully in my entire life. Then I got 2 older sisters. Both of them do Verbal Fight and Altercation and sometimes they do physical fights too. My sister's never supported me because they think I'm the youngest in the house so I get a lot of love from my mother and father, before I was born I heard my sister's argument like how father also shout to them and be strict with them to and sometimes beat them. But after my both sisters come on me like taunt me how he get this things, why do you give him money and other stuff list is going on… even my sister's ruin my life after telling my father he got he got first division in 10th so he should take biology in Higher Secondary School and that ruin my life I wanted to do computer science but my father never listen to me and say “ tere se nahi hoo payega kabhi bhi” then my age was 14 or 15 I was emotional abused I was crying why my father not listening to me even believe me at all then another thing he said to me which is completely broken me in mind and heart he said you should learn about money so why not you doing a job in typewriter then i said don't you think I'm capable of more than that but he laughs on me I was crying then my heart received a pain i didn't told my father or my sister's about my chess pain. My father always focused on himself first, like how he provides food and things to run a family like a god himself. No one can ever talk to him louder and even make eye contact with him while talking to him. On my 17th birthday I went to the market to purchase a new dress with the whole family. I was not interested in buying clothes then while shopping my father saw a boy working there I think he and I was same as that time, my father asked that boy what your planing to do in your life he told he going to higher studies in America or Saudi Arabia ( i don't recall) then we come back home after marketing then suddenly he father start taunting and shouting on me like did you look at the boy at shop how he was working on market and how he focused on his life. I literally started crying at the door like how he was taunting and comparing me on my birthday. I wish I could tell everything about my father but I can't list it like a river.

I already mentioned to my elder sisters how toxic they are, just like my father and mother. My father literally gave my both elder sisters their own room in the flat but I didn't receive my own room so I never had my own privacy at all. I sleep in the hall room then wake up at 5 or 6 am in the morning even though I didn't sleep well at night. Once were dangerously physical fight between my elder sisters when my middle sister boyfriend parent are coming to home talking about marriage stuff, the house was good preparation welcoming but at the last movement my elder sister started a argument how could she get first marriage when I'm the elder here then when looks like arguing coming to the end, my elder sister destroying kitchen food and everything what we decorated for guess were completely destroyed then my middle sister start fighting to my elder sister literally both of them punching, kicking, scratching to each other even i try to stop they delivery me kicking and scratching. Somehow their fight literally gives a traumatized feeling like how I'm gonna survive till I die like I didn't even talk to the girls because of what I have seen in my home haunting environment. I was completely damaged.

My mother is a narcissistic mother. She lacks genuine empathy, treats her children as extensions of herself rather than independent individuals, and prioritizes her own ego and public image over her family's well-being like she cares about everything. I'm literally getting to my point about my mother, you guys know how in our country mothers are seen or treated as a Goddess, in my case my mother is a narcissist and 100% illiterate when it comes to understanding things. She could just read English words without knowing what they meant, and she can't even do basic, child-like math. It's impossible for me to count or explain my education to her. She never treated my elder sisters well at all and still ended up gossiping, getting Verbal Fight every day at some new topic. She always compares me with other kids who are good at studying and get good marks on their results. Even though I'm not good at studying, I even got problems during taking because I got Lisper since I was a kid. But at that time I was broken and sad, thinking about why my mother meant to me what I did wrong . She hated me. Then one day I got an idea to become an Elite Swimmer at age 17 or 18. I know my father never agreed with me to join a swimming class, so I asked my mother can you please help me to get an agreement with father to get an admission in swimming class, i don't know what my mother said to father about swimming class in return my father has started taunting me, causing total mental turmoil. Since that day I realised my mother never loved me; she only cared about herself. She always seeks money from my father every week till the end of the month, my mother likes to do kitty parties and club parties every one in a month but she never really cares about me in her life not once. Still now she compared and taunted me for not getting a job at this age.

So I am trying to explain how my whole family traumatized me till now, so now I'm talking here about what happened that I created this post to post here. Today I still live at home doing nothing, not even trying to start any study at all, just sitting in the corner of the house. My elder sister didn't get married, she is 36 now. Since my parents left home it has been only 2 weeks. She literally can't be herself, only watching the big boss on her mobile or tablet in full volume. She is home tutoring for 5,6,7,8 kids before watching the topic on YouTube before she went tutoring. Even though she is doing it in her life she wanted to show off like I'm not living on parent money. I earn my own money and more from her point of view I'm not a failure like you. So I broke down after all she taunted me from morning till now. I called my parents and told them everything but they shouted at me and said more horrible things. Then I completely realised I had never been at home. I have literally lived in Asylum since I was a kid to grow into an adult. I suffered enough in going to complain to a register against my whole family how they emotionally abuse me and make me feel nothing at all. 2 years ago i realised I got adhd every day i wake up my back bone hurt like hell because of what i been getting damaged emotionally. I am taking medicine too but it only helps in reducing feeling the same, stress for some time.

So please I need help in how I can go to the police to complain and which lawyer should I talk to about my abuse and how to take out a loan from the bank. Which doctor should I go to? I mean best of the best Psychiatrist. I don't care how much it costs to fix. I need to be a normal human being again and live the rest of my life peacefully.

The question is a bit broad, so I'll narrow it down and put it into a specific context. I'm likely going to have a major life change in the sense that I'm going to move to a different region from where I'm currently at (Southern California) in order to pursue further education/make progress in professional ambitions. What's a bit funny/unexpected is that my mother asked me what a close friend of mine (we're more distant now, just because we took different life paths after high school) thought of my plan. I basically said that he asked a bit about it out of courtesy, and didn't comment on it much. Now, I literally am unsure about what this close friend feels or thinks about my relocation/transition plan, as I don't talk to him much anymore. I personally don't care too much about what he might think, unless it is valid and applicable advice.

My mom automatically assumes that this friend is jealous of me, and that's the reason for his supposed muted reaction. I acknowledge he could be jealous, but so far he hasn't done anything obviously bad to me, so I'm okay for now. My mom assumes jealousy is the reaction because I might be able to become a high earner if my educational plan works, but there's a large amount of risk involved (I suffer from neurodivergences such as ADHD that caused massive issues in past schooling). I definitely wasn't the "cool" kid in grade school, so I don't think other like-minded or similarly-aged peers were jealous of me (e.g., I didn't get the best grades, not the best-looking, not that rich). This incident wasn't the first time that my mom assumed the worst reactions from others without strong evidence. For instance, she interprets a lack of communication or transparency about the success of my paternal cousins (they're healthcare practitioners) as them gatekeeping the secret to conventional success (I don't think there is some easy shortcut to career success, and even if there was, I have always struggled in school and in other tasks). It's possible that people's silence or lack of response indicates some bad intention or hiding of some dark secret, but I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt unless striking evidence arises.

Sorry if this post was too long of a wall of text, and/or if it didn't actually relate to Asian parents (my parents are immigrants from a Southeast Asian country). I would appreciate any responses about relating to this type of thought process/accusation and any advice about what to do or say to parents getting worked up over seemingly not much.

What do I tell my parents about the new job that I got? Its going to be 3 months long and if I manage to stay beyond the term, I could get a permanent position.

Or I keep applying to different locations.

Im just tired of having my parents put me in jobs that aren't that great or that it's with a chinese company... and Im not allowed to leave the terrible job.

I keep telling them that I don't need them to help me with it. And i told them so many times that Im not interested in being in the medical reception position anymore ..

I've trusted my parents since young, but I don't think that's the case now. I was always told that I was academically and Inherently useless, they made me write and rewrite the same word "丑", which meant ugly in chinese, but it was for a mistake I made which they thought I never reflected on. My dad accuses me of being stone cold around them, but never lets me explain what they did to me or why I am like this, but there's too much to say, and too little time, I've endured more than my fair share, I'm never having kids, I don't wanna pass on my depression.

Hi,

I'm 26. My family moved to Europe years ago so now we're settled in Europe, I was born and grew up there. I think many fellows of my generation know that our parents had to go through many hardships to get where they are now: leaving their home country for a better life isn't easy. But as you grow up, become an adult, did your parents have a hard time letting you go ?

Personally I'm going through it right now, I'm just finally settling a little bit in another city for my studies but even there I can't go a day without my mother calling me whenever she comes across a small inconvenience. I wouldn't mind calling from times to times ofc, but then she gets mad if I don't pick up when she calls me? And she says she doesn't want me to leave far away everytime and i'm just really, really fed up because I don't want her constantly controlling what i do or where I'm going or even where I WILL go ? And I'm not even smoking, drinking nor partying, I'm not even dating. I hate it, but also I feel really guilty for hating it, knowing that she left her own family too, and she doesn't mean bad ; i just wish she listened to me more, and doesn't make it feel like she's looking down on my choices. The guilt is weighing me really bad.

So, for anyone who went through or is going through the same, how did you come to peace with settling away from your parents?

Is it me? or do asian parents really just hate disabilities?

TL:DR my parents blame me for using adhd as my "excuse"

I was never a quiet kid, not before 16 years old, I never sat still, talked constantly, and annoyed basically everyone in general, especially in front of relatives and important people. my parents took me to a therapist at 14 years old, and just waited for her to "fix" me. Apparently my parents stopped taking me there after the first time, initially I thought it was just my constant "no" towards their every attempt to persuade me to the therapist, but after a few weeks, I told my mom, "mama, I wanna go to the therapist.", and she said "ah B, you don't need to go there, you don't even have problems right?", to that I nodded.

Oh how wrong I was.

I never got an official diagnosis, just an approximation, I never knew this was a problem, just another part of my "weird" personality. I learned a whole year later that the diagnosis was too expensive so my mom basically gaslit me into thinking I never had anything wrong. Truth is, I feel disassembled all the time. Never feeling quite right. When I was 16, I got into a new class based on my subjects since that's how IGCSE works. I felt foreign to everyone, because I never made much friends in the same year group, so everyone were in small groups, I tried to talk. I got clowned, and with the added bonus of my grades being really shitty, I told my parents I couldn't focus, and I thought back to my "diagnosis" and I told my parents, they told me just concentrate harder.

Long story short; I can't.cure

They used unorthodox measurements to "cure" me, like homeopathy, I don't know much about it, but I'm pretty sure ADHD isn't caused by pathogens of any sort. My parents also tried to guilt trip me into improving my condition by telling me the funds they used, I was raised a cheapskate, so numbers make me scared, i think this is also one of the reasons I'm bad at math. Whenever I tried to concentrate, my brain would just go somewhere else, but it wouldn't show on the outside. this skill comes in handy whenever my parents scream at me, I just blur out of focus and crawl back inside. I never took Tylenol or magnesium, but I think I'd need them in the future. My parents were also somehow convinced that my ADHD would lead to a split personality(aka two personalities inhabiting one body).

My parents always has this way of yk emotionally playing games with me .acting like a victim and putting blame on me mind you they are the reason my notes app is full of thoughts and I am trying to battle self harm. And even worse why is everything bout God I am Christian I am not an atheist BUT MY relationship with GOD HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT THEY say. It's personal they are always like when I misbehave. "Og God is gonna teach her a lesson , God is angry, God this God that, People like this won't be able to get in heaven LEGIT WHAT ?,?? hello you're Christian too !! The audacity to say this to your ONE kid and that also as if I am the main problem my mom has temper issues and so do I zo this is basically two egos clashing my dad is stupid very stupid if you ask me of these such things at this point I pray God to take me away I can't. I just can't this has been going for 6 years now.its not about just religion at this point. I am tired someone please adopt me 😭🤌

I love my parents, and I understand their situation. But at the same time, I don't want my life's trajectory to be determined by their anxieties. Sometimes I feel this is an unsolvable problem, but I have to solve it.

I've always had a difficult relationship with my mother, but I've also always tried to fix it. I've tried to be a good daughter, fulfil my responsibilities towards her, and make things better between us, even when it hasn't been easy.

Recently, my mother was going to my masi's place for a family Jagran. My brother, who is actually much closer to her than I am, refused to accompany her because he said that the last time he went with her, they fought, and she tends to get irritated when she's around her sisters.

My boyfriend suggested that I go with her instead because she's getting older and shouldn't have to travel alone. I thought about it and decided to go because, despite everything, I do care about her.

Once we got there, I spent practically the entire day helping my cousins organise the Jagran. There were very few of us doing the work, and I didn't get free until around 5 PM. I finally showered and got ready around 6 PM.

I'd taken a saree with me that had been gifted to me on my birthday. I hadn't had the opportunity to wear it before, and I was genuinely excited to wear it for this occasion.

I wore it with a black sleeveless crop top. My mother immediately scolded me in front of everyone, including people who weren't even family, and told me to change immediately and never dare to come outside wearing that top. I didn't argue. I just changed.

I then wore a different, full-sleeved top that wasn't even particularly cropped. Someone from my masi's neighbourhood commented that it wouldn't look good with the saree, and my cousin sister suggested that I should just wear a suit instead. My mother agreed and started asking why I'd even brought a saree.

The thing is, she knew why I wanted to wear it. I didn't have a suitable suit with me, and most of my suits were black, which wasn't considered appropriate for the occasion.

I got upset and asked my mother whether she didn't want me to attend the function at all. She said, "Yes, don't come."

So I said fine. I wouldn't come.

I started crying, and several family members tried to convince me to join them. My sisters even waited for me until around 11 PM, hoping I'd change my mind. Eventually, they went to the function around midnight.

I stayed in the room alone until 5 AM.

What hurt me the most was that my mother didn't come to check on me even once.

This incident wasn't isolated, either. My mother has said some genuinely hurtful things to me in the past, including that I'll get divorced someday. She also blames my boyfriend for supposedly filling my head with negative thoughts about her.

Recently, I told my boyfriend that our families are different. He often encourages me to call my mother regularly, accompany her when she goes shopping, and be there for her when she needs someone. I know he means well, but he doesn't fully understand the history of my relationship with her. I've spent years trying to make things work, and being told what a good daughter should do sometimes makes me feel like I'm being held responsible for a relationship that both of us contribute to.

My mother overheard this conversation and said more hurtful things about both me and my boyfriend.

There was also an incident where my masi called my younger cousin the only well-behaved and sanskaari girl in the family. I pointed out that I didn't think it was fair to judge someone's character by these standards, especially when the same standards weren't being applied consistently. My mother turned it around on me and made it about my own relationship, even though my father himself questioned why she was speaking to me that way.

I'm exhausted.

I don't expect my mother to agree with every decision I make. I don't expect her to like everything I wear or approve of every aspect of my life. But I don't understand why disagreements have to turn into humiliation, personal attacks, and comments about my future marriage.

I've reached a point where I genuinely don't want to talk to her anymore, at least when we're at home. When we're around other people, I can pretend things are normal, but when it's just us, I don't want to engage with her. I don't want to keep trying to repair things while getting hurt repeatedly.

And then I feel guilty, because she's my mother. She's getting older, and I know that I still have responsibilities towards her. Part of me wonders whether I'll regret distancing myself from her someday.

So, Reddit, am I wrong for wanting to stop talking to my mother, or is it okay to distance myself from her for my own peace of mind?

Have any of you dealt with a similar relationship with a parent? How did you handle it, especially when you still cared about them but couldn't keep putting yourself through the same emotional cycle?

I’m an only child 22F, who’s been labeled as a “tom boy” her whole life, my parents tried to force and guilt trip me in dresses as a kid, I CAN wear dresses when I want to, but even now overall I dress very androgynous.

Everyone in my family suspects I’m gay, which I am, my cousins know, they don’t pay it much mind.

The older relatives though, are heavily religious and judgmental and conservative, esp my moms family. I thought my dad was different because his side of the family are liberals, only he is the conservative, I came out to him and he told me what I was doing was making me not his daughter and that he would tell my mom if I disobeyed him.

Growing up, I was very mediocre for an Asian kid. The only thing I wanted was to make my parents proud and feel like their suffering and sacrifices were worth something. I went through 7 years of Sunday school to be confirmed in the church for my mom, went to church, was obedient and polite. In my head I wanted to be so successful with such a highly praised character that my sexual orientation would be an afterthought to my family. The guilt of not being anything close to what my parents envisioned for me gives me guilt.

i went to my hometowns university and graduated a semester early and got a full time a few months after. I’m still living at home, but I have a gf.

I’m living a double life. I don’t want to live at home forever or even for a few more years. My mom is grating and always on me about something even though she says she’s proud, but I’m so conflicted, she had narcissistic parent traits at times, I can’t confide in her about ANYTHING.

Part of me just wants to tell my family I’ll be on a vacation for a few weeks while it’s really me moving away. I just want to be left alone and be my own person.

I’m obviously not talking about the parents that don’t project their insecurities onto their kids. But I feel like even those are rare. Most of the time when parents hate themselves, they make their kids hate themselves too.

All my childhood I was told I was too fat, too dumb, too unpopular, wasting my youth, etc, etc, etc. And when I grew up I realized my parents didn’t even think think highly of themselves.

My mom is constantly moping about not feeling pretty and blah blah blah, then turns around and makes me feel just as ugly. Part of it is they view us as an extension of themselves. So they feel twice as ugly. Not my problem, I didn’t ask to be born to be projected upon.

And since they’ve wrecked my self esteem too, let me not repeat the cycle. I’m never having kids.

I've always had a difficult relationship with my mother, but I've also always tried to fix it. I've tried to be a good daughter, fulfil my responsibilities towards her, and make things better between us, even when it hasn't been easy.

Recently, my mother was going to my masi's place for a family Jagran. My brother, who is actually much closer to her than I am, refused to accompany her because he said that the last time he went with her, they fought, and she tends to get irritated when she's around her sisters.

My boyfriend suggested that I go with her instead because she's getting older and shouldn't have to travel alone. I thought about it and decided to go because, despite everything, I do care about her.

Once we got there, I spent practically the entire day helping my cousins organise the Jagran. There were very few of us doing the work, and I didn't get free until around 5 PM. I finally showered and got ready around 6 PM.

I'd taken a saree with me that had been gifted to me on my birthday. I hadn't had the opportunity to wear it before, and I was genuinely excited to wear it for this occasion.

I wore it with a black sleeveless crop top. My mother immediately scolded me in front of everyone, including people who weren't even family, and told me to change immediately and never dare to come outside wearing that top. I didn't argue. I just changed.

I then wore a different, full-sleeved top that wasn't even particularly cropped. Someone from my masi's neighbourhood commented that it wouldn't look good with the saree, and my cousin sister suggested that I should just wear a suit instead. My mother agreed and started asking why I'd even brought a saree.

The thing is, she knew why I wanted to wear it. I didn't have a suitable suit with me, and most of my suits were black, which wasn't considered appropriate for the occasion.

I got upset and asked my mother whether she didn't want me to attend the function at all. She said, "Yes, don't come."

So I said fine. I wouldn't come.

I started crying, and several family members tried to convince me to join them. My sisters even waited for me until around 11 PM, hoping I'd change my mind. Eventually, they went to the function around midnight.

I stayed in the room alone until 5 AM.

What hurt me the most was that my mother didn't come to check on me even once.

This incident wasn't isolated, either. My mother has said some genuinely hurtful things to me in the past, including that I'll get divorced someday. She also blames my boyfriend for supposedly filling my head with negative thoughts about her.

Recently, I told my boyfriend that our families are different. He often encourages me to call my mother regularly, accompany her when she goes shopping, and be there for her when she needs someone. I know he means well, but he doesn't fully understand the history of my relationship with her. I've spent years trying to make things work, and being told what a good daughter should do sometimes makes me feel like I'm being held responsible for a relationship that both of us contribute to.

My mother overheard this conversation and said more hurtful things about both me and my boyfriend.

There was also an incident where my masi called my younger cousin the only well-behaved and sanskaari girl in the family. I pointed out that I didn't think it was fair to judge someone's character by these standards, especially when the same standards weren't being applied consistently. My mother turned it around on me and made it about my own relationship, even though my father himself questioned why she was speaking to me that way.

I'm exhausted.

I don't expect my mother to agree with every decision I make. I don't expect her to like everything I wear or approve of every aspect of my life. But I don't understand why disagreements have to turn into humiliation, personal attacks, and comments about my future marriage.

I've reached a point where I genuinely don't want to talk to her anymore, at least when we're at home. When we're around other people, I can pretend things are normal, but when it's just us, I don't want to engage with her. I don't want to keep trying to repair things while getting hurt repeatedly.

And then I feel guilty, because she's my mother. She's getting older, and I know that I still have responsibilities towards her. Part of me wonders whether I'll regret distancing myself from her someday.

So, Reddit, am I wrong for wanting to stop talking to my mother, or is it okay to distance myself from her for my own peace of mind?

Have any of you dealt with a similar relationship with a parent? How did you handle it, especially when you still cared about them but couldn't keep putting yourself through the same emotional cycle?

TW: mentions of child sexual abuse, emotional abuse, depression

I'm in my early 30s, going through a separation, and I'm looking for anyone who's been in a similar place, especially with family who blames you instead of supporting you

Growing up
When I was 14, I was groomed and sexually abused by my tuition teacher, a man in his 30s. It went on for about a year. My mother suspected something was happening, but instead of protecting me, she looked at me with disgust, as if I had done something wrong. I was a bright, sensitive kid, and home was already unstable

Education
I did well academically and got into a top university on scholarship. Every year I sent my scholarship money home to my dad, who had also taken out an education loan in my name. In my final year I asked to keep the scholarship for myself, just once, for trips and expenses with friends. My father flew into a lot of rage multiple times at this request

Work
When I started working and living away from home, my parents demanded a large share of my salary. My father fought with me constantly over money, asked me for a ledger of my expenses, and once called me a "witch" who would ruin the family. Things settled only when I got a high-paying job and could send enough home. Then my parents moved in with me, into a home I paid for entirely. They controlled a lot of my freedom. When the pandemic hit, we were stuck together under one roof after years of living apart, and I slipped into depression. I was carrying unprocessed trauma from the abuse, from a string of bad relationships, and from my parents

Relationships
After the abuse, I went from one unhealthy relationship to another, with people who weren't good for me. My first college boyfriend cheated on me and I stayed anyway. Eventually I met someone I genuinely liked as a person

Marriage
After the pandemic, all I wanted was independence. My father raged when I said I wanted to move to another city, but I fought and moved anyway. I was dating this man I liked, though I didn't have strong romantic feelings for him, and there was pressure from everywhere to get married. So I did, without really understanding what I wanted. I felt emotionally distant from him even before the wedding, but I was too lost to make sense of it

Therapy
Six months ago I started therapy and treatment. I've since been diagnosed with depression, autism, ADHD and trauma-related anxiety. I've learned so much about myself and my marriage. Three years in, my husband and I realised we're good friends, not partners, and we're separating. It was mostly my decision, and he accepted it. He's been very understanding, given everything I've been through

Now
My family is making this incredibly hard. They barely talk to me and don't ask how I'm doing. They cry all day, visit astrologers, and push me to do remedies. I've calmly explained many times that we aren't compatible and that my inner voice tells me this isn't right for me. I've gone from one relationship to the next my whole life. I've never lived alone. I've never figured out what I actually want, and now I want to do that

But they treat me like the villain

I'm so angry. They didn't protect their child when she went through hell as a teenager. They called her a witch and raged at her. Now that she's struggling with her mental health, they blame it on her stars and on the fact that she doesn't pray to god

What I'm hoping for:

Has anyone gone through a divorce without family support? How did you cope?

How do you deal with this kind of anger toward parents, especially when they don't acknowledge the past at all?

Did you ever confront them, did they ever understand your pain and their part in it, or find peace without it?

For context, I’m 32, a single mom, and I co-parent with my ex-husband. My daughter and I have been living at my mom’s house since the separation, but I pay for the bills and basically all my own expenses.

I spoke with my ex, and he’ll be taking our 10-year-old daughter to spend Christmas and New Year with him and his family in Hawaii. We take turns spending the holidays with her, and this year is his turn.

So that leaves just me, my mom, and my younger brother, who’s unemployed and struggling with depression, at home for the holidays.

Honestly, I don’t want to spend three weeks at home while my daughter is away because I know we’ll probably just do our own thing and barely interact anyway. I thought it would be a good opportunity to take a solo trip abroad for those three weeks and enjoy some time for myself.

But my mom is making a HUGE deal out of it. She keeps insisting that Christmas is important and that it’s always supposed to be a family event. Mind you, I’ve spent every Christmas with her for the past 32 years, and we don’t even do anything particularly special. 😂 Apparently, it doesn’t matter whether we actually spend quality time together or do anything meaningful. The important thing is that I’m physically there at home.

Now I’m being guilt-tripped and called ungrateful, and she’s even threatening to throw my belongings out if I leave. She’s also saying that my decision is going to give her a heart attack. 😭

I genuinely don’t understand this mindset. I’m 32, I pay my own way, and I just want to spend the holidays doing something for myself for once. Why does wanting to travel alone automatically mean I’m abandoning my family or being ungrateful? Lol.