As the title says, I feel like I’m living proof that lightning can strike twice.

No living children.

Earlier this year in January, we had a TFMR at 24 weeks due to a congenital heart defect. And now I’m 8 weeks pregnant and this pregnancy has ended too. I’m scheduled for a D&C next week.

I’m heartbroken and scared. Can someone please give me some hope that I can still have a healthy baby someday? I really need to hear some positive stories.

Edit: Thank you so much everyone for all your replies. I have been reading each one of them and trying to make the days going. I'm sorry, I'm unable to reply each and everyone yet. I truly hope all of us get our rainbow babies back💛

I lost my best friend through all of this. The one person I confided in 24/7 other than my husband.

It’s not that she didn’t agree with TFMR, she did.

She just didn’t offer support in the way I needed it. Days flew by without any contact at all. She watched my Facebook/instagram posts and didn’t engage.

There was genuinely no good reason for this, she wasn’t going through a crisis, her family is stable, she even announced her pregnancy to the world while leaving me on read, less than 1 week after my baby died.

This was a time I really needed my friend and she wasn’t there for me. And it truly breaks my heart all over again.

Potential down syndrome-abortion issues, please help

As title. I (41m) and my partner (36f) got some intense news on Monday. Early pregnancy screening Nipt came back with an elevated score for T21, meaning a high, some 70% chance that the fetus will have down syndrome.

On Friday they took a test from the amniotic fluid and the 99.9% certain result will come on Thursday this week.

We have both been dealing with this in different ways. I've read tons of scientific literature about the tests and life with down syndrome, medical conditions and so on. She's been more emotional but for both of us it comes and goes in waves. We've both slept poorly and lashed out at each other over stress 😥

The main issue right now is what we want to do about it. I'm 100% certain the best thing to do in the case of a positive result is abortion. Judge me as you like, that's what I believe. I work in healthcare and the worst thing I've seen, above all cancer and car accidents and everything, is dementia, it's horrible, and the fact that DS people from age 50 onwards have a 90% chance of alzheimers is beyond what I can accept to do to another person when I have a choice otherwise.

She keeps gokng back and forth between it's too hard to make that choice and she could never make it. She knows it will be hard, but she keeps linking me articles about people with ds babies being very cute and cuddly and loving and all that. I don't deny that they are cute, all babies are cute, but I'm trying to think beyond the cute phase.I'm thinking about 40-50% chance of miscarriage and the health risks from that. 1st year 50% chance of heart issues with 25% chance of open heart surgery. Potential deafness, blinding, muteness, muscle and growth issues and development issues. It's a scale, a spectrum, no one can tell before it's born what it will be like. I, perhaps foolishly, believe that no one that is having a shit time is willingly writing in articles to newspapers about how it is. We only see the best best and lucky scenarios....

The thing is, the law in my country is clear, I can have an opinion, but it's her choice, I can't force her either way. As I am the father, I can't escape some responsibility regardless of my choice, be it financial or otherwise.

So I'm stuck, I can only support her, she knows my position. Now we wait for the results and after that I am entirely at her mercy. We have a 4.5 year old I'm trying to think of in all of this too.

So my options as it seems are:

Just accept her decision and be present and possibly miserable for the rest of my life taking care of someone I don't want to take care of.

Leave my family and pay my financial dues, I don't know how that works with our existing child.

Or second best case scenario she goes for abortion and we both deal with this in our own ways for the rest of our lives.

No choice is nice.

Best case scenario, which I'm not even thinking about right bow, is that the test is a false positive and it's all been for nothing. I don't even know how to pick up from all this after the last two weeks of roller coaster emotions. It feels like my feelings for this child/pregnancy are forever tainted.

So here I am, stuck pulling out my hair and eating my emotions. I've got a very good friend I'm talking to about all this, but no one else. I can't handle the shame and drama from my family in this.

I don't know what do to do, I'm grasping at straws here. I'm even thinking about checking out from life as this is too much for me. No one wanted this, it seems insane that I have no power in this situation at all, I'm just here for the ride. It's the way it's supposed to be, bodily automany is important, but surely there is a middle ground here?

Please help, I'm desperate.

I need your advice, support and honest opinions.

A little over a year ago I terminated a much wanted pregnancy due to a grey diagnosis, XXY. It was a short window of time for me to decide (thereafter I could not legally terminate in my country) and I forced myself to the decision. I felt numb at the time.

Since then it has become clear to me that I did the wrong thing. My boy would have been fine and he should have been here. I get more and more sad everyday. To add to this, I have not managed to conceive again since the TFMR. Only one early miscarriage and one MMC. This probably adds to my sorrow.

I don’t really have anyone to talk to. My husband is over this and think I should be too.

Does anyone have any memorial tattoos for their babies? Looking for ideas!
We did get our baby’s footprints back, if I incorporate them I want to keep them to scale (~1”).
But I’m also considering a profile silhouette.

I am closer to making this devastating decision. My MFM said we will get his ashes. I was not expecting that and it made my heart break even more, knowing I will face the horrible decision I made for him. Do you name your babies before this horrific procedure? I don't know if I should dissociate or not. Either route seems like torture.

UPDATE 8/30: Thank you to everyone who shared your decisions. All the stories were incredibly touching and gave me some comfort and ideas on how to honor his memory if we go this route.

I am wondering how long it took others to obtain their TMFR after they made the decision.

In my state, providers cannot terminate for T21 or they may be prosecuted, so I have to go to Planned Parenthood and cannot tell them why I am terminating or allow them access to my medical records so they never see the diagnosis.

Planned Parenthood does not have availability for D&E for 2.5 more weeks. By then, I will be 16 weeks and possibly feeling kicks. This is my worst fear.

Has anyone been in this situation? I am ready now and cannot imagine the next 2.5 weeks.

Having been on this sub for a while now, I have seen so many thoughtful, compassionate and comforting things people have shared with each other.

Maybe we can create a little collection for anyone who needs something gentle to hold onto.

So, what are the thoughts, phrases or perspectives that have brought you the most comfort after TFMR? Maybe something someone said to you, something you read here, or something you keep reminding yourself of on the harder days.

I’d love to hear whatever has helped you — whether it relates to grief, guilt, regret, missing your baby, making sense of the decision, or simply getting through the day.

For context: I have experienced two losses, a boy and a girl. Here are the ones that worked best for me personally (I’m adding to the list based on your comments for my own reference haha):

• My baby only knew love, the warmth of my womb, and the beat of my heart.
  
• My love for my baby is not defined by the decision I made.
  
• I’m a good person who was put in an awful position.
  
• She is and always will be my daughter / He is and always will be my son.
  
• I’m a mother of three, two of them are little stars.
  
• Their lives had meaning - I’m grateful for the time we had together and for everything they have taught me.

I’m not even 2 weeks post D&E with a T18 pregnancy and I’m really struggling with the urge to be pregnant again as soon as possible. I know it’s probably not the smartest thing for me to do psychologically, but part of me feels like any subsequent pregnancy is going to be emotionally difficult, so what is the point in waiting? I would like to hear other people’s opinions on the matter… how long are you choosing to wait to try again, or are you not planning on trying again? I guess I really just want some perspective on whether or not I’m totally alone in feeling this way.

We’re facing the terrible decision to TFMR due to T21 diagnosis at 14 weeks. We’ve weighed it up and as painful as it is we cannot go through with a T21 pregnancy, mainly for our daughters sake as we are older parents and we’d be signing her up for a life as a carer once we’re gone.

The decision will need to be made in the next week and I just keep having dark thoughts that I hope we attend a scan and there’s no heartbeat. That he passes peacefully on his own so we don’t have to make this conscious decision. I then feel absolutely awful as this baby is very wanted and loved.

Did anyone feel this when they were at this decision making stage? I feel so bad even writing it down.

I am 11 weeks pregnant and I just found out a couple of days ago that my baby has a really rare condition called acrania. Its where the top part of the skull failed to form so the babies brain is exposed. This is 100% fatal. I am a believer in Jesus and am really struggling with what I am supposed to do. Do I carry this baby to full term and deliver it only for it to pass away minutes to hours later? Or do I termiate now to save this sweet baby from suffering? Do I wait until my body maybe miscarries on its own? I am truly at a loss and do not know what to do. Everyone in my life says they support me no matter what we decide.

please be kind. I do not want or need any crazy mean, opinionated comments. This is already hard enough.

I’m 36 years old, sat in the doctors office after an ultrasound. It’s my first ever pregnancy. I’m 13w 4d and I had a high risk NIPT result. Additionally, the doctor who did my ultrasound said I have a high NT of 5.4 and the fetus has a small nasal bone. Honestly at this point I am gutted and don’t want to put myself through an amnio as well as the emotional pain of confirming a result I basically know to be true. Just feeling super defeated and exhausted.

Does anyone have any experience making this decision without 100% confirmation?

Thanks in advance for all the help

EDIT: sorry for not including earlier- I tested high risk for T21. Thank you so much everyone for your experience and feedback- it’s really helped ❤️

Not sure if this is the right place to ask, but I'm looking for some recommendations of what to watch to distract me in the evenings. I am triggered by anything that includes pregnancy, babies, fertility, or birth, so would like to avoid all of those. I want to be able to watch something without feeling on edge. My partner and I have been heavily bingeing true crime, but I think we need something more light-hearted to break up the misery! We recently watched Temptation Island which was total crap, but somehow just what I needed- to be pulled into silly dramas that are so shallow was refreshing after living such a heavy real life. Let me know what you've been watching to zone out to/keep yourself distracted

I’m about to turn 39 in September, and I’m TERRIFIED to try again after my TFMR for T21 last December. We haven’t started trying because I’ve been so afraid, but now that I’m approaching 39, I feel extreme pressure to either try again now or accept that maybe it’s time to move on, especially knowing that risks only increase with age. Has anyone else in my age group felt this way? Like you don’t even have enough time to fully heal and process what happened because you can feel the clock ticking at the same time? I’m not saying having to TFMR at a younger age is easier by any means. It just would be nice to have time on your side in terms of healing.

My friend told me she wants to do ivf to avoid tmfr because her husband wouldn’t allow a termination due to his religion and she would want to terminate if the child would suffer. She doesn’t know I had a tmfr. Why would someone do ivf to avoid tmfr? I know ivf can rule out genetic problems but it won’t stop a neural tube defect, any problem in the babies development in the womb, cervix issues, or any of the vast non-genetic reasons someone could have to tmfr. would that even be worth it for her to do ivf? I know it would decrease her chances of having to tmfr but still. I think I want to talk to her about it and share my experience because she is uneducated in most of this stuff. She just throws out I want to do ivf like it’s nothing and like it’s going to eliminate the worry of having to terminate, when we all know that’s not the case.

Should I talk to her?

I’m curious what terminology you are using.

My understanding is that the term stillbirth is generally reserved for spontaneous losses. But I have also come across definitions that simply describe it as the death of a baby before or during birth, or where gestational age plays a role (after 20 or 24 weeks).

In my native language, Dutch, the equivalent term is stilgeboorte, which literally translates to “silent birth.”

That term resonates with me because it describes the experience of the deafening silence, instead of the sound of a healthy, crying baby. I have used it for both my losses (placental insufficiency/HELLP at 24w and TFMR for T21 at 22w), but I worry people find it technically wrong or inappropriate. Especially my last experience, since my daughter was actually showing signs of life (but no crying so still silent) and died shortly after birth.

I’m curious how others after TFMR feel about the term stillbirth. Do you use it, or do you prefer different terminology?

———
EDIT: Here’s some of the phrases I have used for our losses:
- “We lost our baby rather late in the pregnancy.”
- “Our daughter/son was stillborn at X weeks.”

For my second loss, this is usually directly followed by:
- “We terminated the pregnancy due to medical reasons / a genetic disorder.”

Interestingly, I never use the term termination for my first loss. While technically, it was. My health was at risk and he had no chance of survival so it felt different.

***thank you to everyone who gave their input and support.***

I received a grey diagnosis from our amniocentesis microarray: 1.95MB of 16P13.11 MICRODUPLICATION. The baby could have no clinical symptoms or could have a bunch, from learning disabilities, ASD, cardiac issues, etc. I have no idea if we should TFMR due to this. Thinking about the worst possible outcome, which is what many reddit-ers said helped them make their decision, is so hard but it's making me think logically.

I want to know for those who did NOT TFMR but was considering it, would you have made the same choice if you could turn back time? I know this is a hard question because it can undo everything you have believed in/worked for...but hoping to learn from other's difficult experiences and hear your stories.

Thanks, and sorry if this was triggering in any way. I feel so sorry for everyone who had to consider this or go through this.

I got a postive NIPT for Tri 21 last week and our hearts are broken. We've tried for a while with IVF and had a miscarrige in week 7 in march, a MA in week 12 in may, and now this in week 15/16.

The CVS also came back positive today. We only have some soft markers as a small leak in the heart and 2,5 neck fold in week 12.

I feel so horrible as a mother♡ I can see this child tumbling about in the ultrasound and I can feel my heart breaking thinking about the tfmr next week..

Did you choose to see the child and say goodbye? I'm so scared to rip my soul into two, by holding a small child in my arms and knowing I was the one taking the choice..

Was there anything that helped you heal afterward?

I just went into the hospital this morning to take the first pill that is supposed to stop the pregnancy, as my dr explains it. in 48h I will have to go back in and because I'm 15 weeks along, they do not have an option to let me do D&E which I would have preferred 1000 times. I have to go through labor and delivery which the thought alone is so scary to me.

on top of it all, we have a 3-year old who will be watched by my mom for a few hours but I am so scared that this will take forever and husband will have to go back home to our son which would leave me stuck alone at the hospital. I've been trying to get a better idea how long this whole thing will last but please, if you have any experiences, especially in Europe, share them here?

my dr also said that i will need a D&C afterwards most likely so I couldn't understand why they wouldn't just do a D&E but she insisted that getting induced was the only option.

I'm so terrified of either being all alone (a midwife will be there, of course) but also we have our living child to take care of...

We found out at 21 weeks (2 weeks ago) baby boy’s brain did not develop correctly. It’s a really rare deformity and not much in medical literature about it. It’s technically not incompatible with life but it definitely creates a slew of life long disabilities and issues. They gave me an amniocentesis that same day and were still awaiting the microarray results.

They did inform us that they couldn’t get an MRI until 24 weeks as that’s the earliest they can get a decent image of all the brain structures. So I’m scheduled for the MRI next week at 24w1d-on a Thursday. Apparently all the specialists review the MRIs during a conference every Thursday but since mine will be getting done during their conference I will have to wait until the follow Thursday’s conference to get results. My then follow up MFM appointment is scheduled the week after that. I’ll be almost 26 weeks.

This waiting is killing me. My husband and I already agreed if the MRI came out with only this single deformity we would still terminate as it is significant enough to cause our boy a life of struggle and pain. But I also feel so guilty that I want to just “get this over with.” I know the grief we have now is only a fraction of the grief we will have after but I hate this middle ground of pretending to still be a happy pregnant person with my baby kicking around inside me and people asking about him. But I also feel guilty trying to enjoy the time that he’s here with me. I feed him food he likes. My husband has been reading him The Hobbit—baby boy loves his Gandalf voice.

I know there’s no wrong way to feel/grieve but I do still feel like everything feels wrong. We love our boy so much and it feels so unfair that this is the hand we’ve been dealt with our first pregnancy that we tried so so hard for.

I just received my son’s ashes about 20-30 minutes ago and I can’t get my self to view his ashes. I’ve been depressed most days but some days feel “okay” but still sad of course. I feel like apart of me wants to view his ashes so I can hold him but then apart of me is terrified and I don’t know why.. this is making me feel even more like a horrible mother . I already feel terrible and like a bad mom so this is adding extra.

When you received yours baby’s ashes did you view them right away? Did you have your spouse put them away?
What did you do.

I feel like if I don’t view them in not acknowledging that he’s home , I feel like I’m avoiding him, I feel TERRIBLE more than I already do.
But I also feel like I’m trying to protect myself for right now so idk I’m just confused on what to do and I’m rambling now because this is all too much.

For the country that you live in, what were the recommendations or restrictions around D&E vs L&D?

In my country, the doctors recommended L&D at week 15 if I still wanted to have kids as D&E has a higher risk at that stage to cause infertility. Also D&E would only have been an option at private institutions, meanwhile L&D is covered by insurance.

I was now quite surprised to learn how late people from other countries seem to be getting D&Es. This is just an observation that makes me wonder how different recommendations seem to be across countries.

For those that had a D&E at least a year ago, was it the right choice for you, in retrospect?

I’m curious what kind of therapist everyone saw after their TFMR. What was their title/specialty, and did they specifically have experience with TFMR or pregnancy loss?
I had my first therapy appointment yesterday. The office has over 30 therapists, but after looking through everyone’s profiles, there are really only two who seem to fit what I’m dealing with.
The therapist I saw yesterday is more of a general trauma/mental-health therapist. She uses things like CBT, ACT and DBT and works with trauma, anxiety and other mental-health concerns. I liked her and felt comfortable talking to her, but she doesn’t list pregnancy loss or perinatal grief as one of her specialties.
There’s another licensed therapist at the same office who has specific training in Perinatal Loss & Grief and Perinatal Mood & Anxiety Disorders, along with trauma-related training. On paper she seems more closely matched to what I’m going through, especially the grief, guilt, anxiety and all of the “what ifs.”
My hesitation is that I don’t know whether she specifically has experience with TFMR. I feel like TFMR can have such a different layer to it because, for me, a huge part of the grief is living with the decision and uncertainty surrounding my baby’s diagnosis.
For those of you who went to therapy after TFMR, did you specifically look for a TFMR therapist, a pregnancy-loss/perinatal therapist, a trauma therapist, or just someone you connected well with? Did having a therapist who already understood TFMR make a difference?

Hi all, we’ve just made the decision to TFMR due to a rare genetic condition leading to several severe congenital defects that make chances of survival outside the womb close to 0.

I live in a country where only L&D is allowed after 16 weeks, and my procedure will take place approximately 3 weeks from now, when I will be at 22 weeks.

For those who have gone through this, I’m wondering how long it took from the time you were induced until the birth? I have heard that this can take days. And how was induction/the contractions pain-wise during that time? With our living child, I was having painful contractions for about 9 hours without an epidural until he was born. For those who have a basis for comparison, how does the contraction pain and overall experience compare for a full term spontaneous birth vs early induction?

Also, I know I have to take mifepristone as an outpatient about 2 days before actually going in for the procedure. What did you feel, or not, during those days, and did you just go about your normal daily life or already take time off work, etc.?

I’m wishing lots of strength and healing to everyone here going through what you are going through. 🤍

I’m wondering if anyone else has struggled with the spiritual or existential side of TFMR, whether you’re religious or not.

One of the hardest feelings I keep coming back to is that I somehow stepped off the path my life was supposed to follow.

I’m not religious myself, probably closer to agnostic, and I’ve always been somewhat undecided about things like fate, destiny, or whether there is something beyond our life here on earth. But since my TFMR, I keep having this feeling that there was a version of my life in which my daughter was meant to be here, and that by making the decision we made, I somehow left that path.

I don’t necessarily think that making this decision makes me a bad person, and I don’t judge anyone else for making the same choice. But I still sometimes feel like I failed some kind of test in life.

I’m pretty sure some of this also comes from spiritual ideas I’ve been exposed to through one of my closest friends, who once told me about his belief that abortion can be one of the reasons a soul cannot move on from earth and has to return for another life (without any moral judgment attached to that, by the way). I think hearing something like that from someone very dear to me has affected me quite deeply.

I think this is part of what makes it so hard for me to come to terms with my decision. I can rationally understand why we made it, but that doesn’t seem to reach the part of me that judges it on a deeper, more spiritual level.

Has anyone else struggled with spiritual beliefs or doubts like this? I’d really love to hear different perspectives, whether you’re religious, spiritual, agnostic, atheist, or anything in between — and whether these feelings changed for you over time.

I would also be very happy to hear beliefs that helped you find some peace with it.