r/technology • u/thinkB4WeSpeak • Sep 11 '26

Society Dating Apps Are Dying

https://time.com/article/2026/09/09/dating-apps-are-dying/
17k Upvotes

95% Upvoted

3.4k comments sorted by

View all comments

204

u/jeminar Sep 11 '26

I married a tinder date from a different era.

What are people using to meet instead?

447

u/LePhasme Sep 11 '26

Singles events are popular, but mostly people are just struggling.

40

u/jono12132 Sep 11 '26

Singles events aren't really that popular. It's very location dependent. I live in a C tier sort of city in England and they keep trying to start dating events but they keep giving up. I'm guessing because they can't get enough women to go. The last one I saw advertised had an offer for 50% off  tickets for women. Dating is very location dependent I think 

3

u/mythrilcrafter Sep 11 '26

It's indeed extremely location dependent in my experience.

I'm in Upstate South Carolina which is what I would call a "suburb-city", that is to say, more residential and "rural-ish" than a major metro area like Atlanta and Charlotte (and definitely noting close to the Bay Area or Manhattan), but also not so rural as to be "the sticks" or actual "fly over" counties.

The dating scene here is a hardcore desert, I've only gotten a handful of matches in the last year and only one actually resulted in a date) and I know that I/my profile isn't the issue because after I started traveling recreationally and going to places like Philly, DC, and Boston; I would suddenly start getting matches and profile likes.

Also the demographics of my area's dating pool are EXTREMELY skewed towards the "old enough that they have kids who aren't affected by a divorce" age group. Which usually doesn't work/isn't compatible with singles who are in their late 20's and early 30's.

4

u/Remarkable_Cause1384 Sep 11 '26

tbh women should just be free. Certain weird men would cry about it but if there's an abundance of girls at an event... the men will come.

13

u/Nitr0_CSGO Sep 11 '26

Based on what people have said there is an abundance of women but basically no men

4

u/Spankpocalypse_Now Sep 11 '26

I’ve seen women on Reddit complaining there are no men at singles meetups, but the men I know in real life have said the opposite. Feels like the gender divide is so bad that men and women aren’t even hearing about the same events.

2

u/Jah_Ith_Ber Sep 11 '26

This is what I've heard too. Apparently the women show up with the same absurd expectations that they have in online dating, but now they are physically in front of you pissed off that you're not 6'2 and gorgeous. Getting swiped left one hundred times in a row through an app doesn't sting anywhere near as much as getting swiped left in person one hundred times in a row.

1

u/SmokingLimone Sep 12 '26

Where I live women can literally enter clubs for free on some days. There's still a male surplus

1

u/DoJ-Mole Sep 11 '26

Yeah I’ve been tempted to go to one but the age ranges I see advertised are usually 25-34. Which might be more of an option in the next few years but I’d rather not date older personally (one or two years older could be fine, but I’m only a few days into 26)

1

u/jaggedthoughts Sep 11 '26

That's interesting. I'm going to a dating event on Saturday where womens tickets sold out in less than a day but they can't get any men to attend

0

u/_BrokenButterfly Sep 12 '26

If they want women to come then it needs to be free for women. Or free for some woman aligned thing, like wearing a skirt, having a pony tail, etc.

313

u/TechTuna1200 Sep 11 '26 edited Sep 11 '26

It's the lack of third spaces. People used to meet their partner in school, work, or through friends. But that has pretty much gone out of fashion.

It just takes time for people to fall in love, and you only do that if you get to run into each other a lot in the same spaces.

Dating apps, bars, and single events are cold approaches. If you take that avenue, you are gonna have a hard time unless you're hot. Because they be able to judge you by your personality and only by superficial things like beauty, height, body, salary etc.

It's no different from sales in the business world. If cold reach/email potential leads, you're gonna have a hard time making a sale. But if you have connections with a lot of potential customers, you're much more likely to get your foot in the door.

Cold approaches (Dating apps, bars, single events) being widespread is the sad reason why looksmaxxing started to become a thing. If you don't have third spaces where you can show off your personality and things can develop over time organically over time, you're solely being judged by your looks. So if looks are the only thing you are judged on in a "cold approach" situation, looks are also the only way to potentially get a partner

Edit:
fluffynukeit commented that research calls it closed vs open field. Open field was what I earlier called "cold approach". He also shared this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHkcIRZa6lo

90

u/[deleted] Sep 11 '26

[deleted]

11

u/VictorReal_Monster Sep 11 '26

I've literally never a seen a video of that and I'm online af.

8

u/SilentFire23 Sep 11 '26

There's a ton of them, some are dudes being weird sure, but some are clearly someone worked up their courage to go talk to a girl and she decided to do the gagging motion.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 11 '26

[deleted]

1

u/VictorReal_Monster Sep 11 '26

lol brother I guess I'm not on social media as much as you then.

This seems like like a self callout more than anything

EDIT: "tiktok" I mean heres your problem.

4

u/[deleted] Sep 11 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

5

u/ItzWarty Sep 11 '26

It takes some people a few times of being "creepy" to learn norms. When's it okay to approach someone at a bar? When is the person being nice in rejecting you vs actually just being nice? When's the girl asking you to go home "to study" vs to study. You see stories online of that confusion all the time, and if men get the wrong read they're often shamed or stigmatized.

This is personally coming from someone who is now married and having kids who was a bit slower to develop socially. People learn by making mistakes.

9

u/gerusz Sep 11 '26

Bit of a correction, school or work are the second place. Third places would be places where 1: you can meet people, but 2: your presence there is not mandatory, and 3: you can stay there with no or minimal payment. It's the #3 that is causing them to die, thanks to late stage capitalism's obsession with turning everything into an optimized income stream.

33

u/bob49877 Sep 11 '26

Don't forget hobby clubs and Meetup groups. I know many people who met a spouse or long term partner that way.

86

u/GonePh1shing Sep 11 '26

Most of those are either 97% men, or explicitly women-only spaces. There are some exceptions like board gaming groups, run clubs, and some book clubs. If you've got disposable income to spend on your hobbies, things like language or cooking classes can be good ways to meet new people.

19

u/AwesomeFrisbee Sep 11 '26

Yeah, that has been my experience as well. And a lot of people are there to make new friends or find a partner but hardly ever both. Some more desperate than others.

And you need to live in an area where stuff like that gets organized and has a similar age interested. I still wonder where all the single lades in my area have gone to, because whatever I'm doing right now is just not where they are at. Perhaps my age (40) is a bit more difficult, because I see plenty of 20 and early 30 or 45+ doing stuff, but not mine range. And if IO look at the profiles in Tinder/Bumble/etc. Then it shows that they either party hard (which is just not my thing) or work their asses off. Some still have children from other relationships which require a lot of time and it seems like they simply stop caring to find a partner or something (which after a few years and older children, starts up again).

And all the good looking people are getting too much attention in these apps and too many freaks that turn them off, while the rest (not even ugly ones) just get too little attention, which puts more stress on every "like" you do get. Meanwhile there are people that organize stuff, but its getting stupid expensive, too much emphasis on finding love and not just hanging out. Every interaction turns into that moment where you are hoping to find the one, which won't happen because you are both too stressed to really let yourself feel things naturally.

12

u/GonePh1shing Sep 11 '26

I have the opposite problem. Every group that looks remotely promising is full of 40s or 50s. Unless I want to go play racquet sports or football, there's basically no groups for people in my age-bracket. 

3

u/AwesomeFrisbee Sep 11 '26

Isn't that what I said? People in my age group (35-40) just are mostly invisible from where I go, what I do and what stuff gets organized around here. Even for the events that one would think would attract them. But even early thirty was difficult too (but somehow I now see more of those around here lol).

And sure, its not ever zero, but he girls I'm attracted to, don't seem to go out much or not to the things that would get them in contact with guys. As if its only with kids stuff or ladies only stuff. Living in an area with mostly families also doesn't help though. But I'm already looking further away and its just meh. Of course dating apps are filled with nice ladies but they never respond, they never like you back or they never pull the trigger. And for dating events I seem to fall just outside the amount they are willing to like. I've been improving my looks and losing weight (nearing normal BMI now), but its been very hard to even get in the same events, let alone get them to like me...

2

u/InfanticideAquifer Sep 11 '26

I think at 40 a 5 year window is a bit narrow. (And you've also made your own age the upper limit rather than the center?) Early thirties and, idk, 45 should totally be in your range.

0

u/AwesomeFrisbee Sep 12 '26

I've always felt younger than my age (people already think I'm way younger as well). And sure, the range might be narrow but its what I felt most comfortable with lately. I could go lower, but at some point there's a difference in experiences that I find hard to get over. And the range isn't fixed, it really depends on the people I meet. Regardless, even 30 to 45 isn't all too common at activities over here and its a shame.

2

u/mythrilcrafter Sep 11 '26

And you need to live in an area where stuff like that gets organized and has a similar age interested. I still wonder where all the single lades in my area have gone to, because whatever I'm doing right now is just not where they are at. Perhaps my age (40) is a bit more difficult, because I see plenty of 20 and early 30 or 45+ doing stuff, but not mine range.

I'm dealing with the same thing in my area, except it's the 25~35's who don't exist, with all the options being people who fills the "has kids old enough to not be bothered by parents being divorced (but the kids are still young enough that they'll do the whole "my kids come first and you're just an addition" thing)"* age group.

3

u/Top_Ingenuity_1830 Sep 11 '26

Cycling clubs have fairly good ratios and I feel like are there actually for the sport vs running. Met many friends that way and some of them have met their SOs, and we're all still super into it

8

u/bob49877 Sep 11 '26

Most of our clubs are a mix of women and men. The recent ones where I've seen a lot of people forming partnerships are Meetup groups with activities like dinners out, pot lucks, hikes, and happy hours. 

6

u/GonePh1shing Sep 11 '26

That's great! Unfortunately doesn't seem to be the case where I am.

I guess a city of ~2.5M people spread out along a narrow 100km patch of land just lacks the density to support a decent number of active communities like that. Once you scroll past all the sports groups and people trying to sell you courses on AI or self-improvement, it's almost exclusively over 40s/50s groups, exclusive to some demographic (e.g. Men/Women/LGBT only, mental health or disability support, etc), or events with practically zero attendees. 

2

u/Sphericalline13 Sep 11 '26

Be the change you want to see. Start a group and drop a post about it on your cities reddit and your socials. Throw some flyers up at coffee shops. Make your city the city you want to live in.

5

u/Chemroo Sep 11 '26

I think it’s key that you actually want to do the hobby and aren’t just going into these clubs trying to pickup girls.. it will come off as very creepy.

2

u/GonePh1shing Sep 11 '26

Of course! But most hobbies that tend to have groups like this are highly gender skewed. That can make them decent for meeting people, but highly unlikely to find a partner unless you're part of the gender minority for that particular hobby. 

2

u/transemacabre Sep 11 '26

fwiw if you're a guy and open to at least one predominantly female hobby, that's a great way to meet women.

9

u/TechTuna1200 Sep 11 '26

Yes! Meeting the same person over and over again is the key.

"Dating" doesn't start when you decide to pursue each other romantically. It starts when you are just acquaintances. From there, a deeper sense of whether there is mutual interest develops organically.

3

u/bob49877 Sep 11 '26 edited Sep 11 '26

That works with non romantic friends, too. Clubs give you frequent meetings and shared activities. I met my spouse through work but most of both of our friends are through social / hobby clubs. 

2

u/badhabitfml Sep 11 '26

And so much less pressure to make a first impression. Seeing someone at a place multiple times gives you both a shared interest and something to talk about.

But yeah, third spaces are dead, especially with genz drinking less (many reasons). That rules out a lot of spaces and the liquid courage from being a little drunk.

10

u/Merusk Sep 11 '26

Which have also been dying as more and more people become online-first for entertainment and other life experiences.

You're not going to meet a cute server, flirt with the cashier, or run into someone at a book club or other hobby when 90% of your interactions are via a screen.

Worse when most of those interactions also aren't social like chatrooms or games groups, but are walled solo experiences with other people.

3

u/mythrilcrafter Sep 11 '26

You're not going to meet a cute server, flirt with the cashier,

Honestly, I've never seen a reason or situation where this has actually worked. How many people are out there who thinks they have a chance with the guy/girl who's working minimum wage and is "being nice" because they'll be fired if they are nice to customers?

1

u/Merusk Sep 11 '26

I'm old. It was, in fact, a thing in the 80s and 90s that worked out. At least to try and land a date. You used to be a regular at places and got to talking to them before asking them out.

3

u/mythrilcrafter Sep 11 '26

The private-equity-ization of our society after the turn of the millennium really did a number on us.

Everyone's getting paid, no one is living, everyone is unhappy.

4

u/bonestamp Sep 11 '26

Also good ways to make friends as an adult. Bonus if you find a partner.

5

u/ap1618 Sep 11 '26

This is really it - friends of friends and third spaces are essentially gone and it’s not just dating that declined, it’s societal connection overall.

2

u/transemacabre Sep 11 '26

This is mostly it, with some details and nuance. Back in the day, your marriage options were, well, whoever lived in your village or tribe. If you were particularly enterprising, perhaps you visited the next tribe over and found someone there. You didn't have a ton of options, and we weren't exposed to endless hotties in media that warped our perception of how many VERY attractive people were out there.

Your great-grandpa probably saw ONE 10/10 hottie in his entire life. He could probably hardly imagine anyone prettier than the prettiest girl in his neighborhood. Now, we are bombarded with photos and video of gorgeous people from every corner of the globe, filtered and manipulated to look even better than they actually do.

There was also a study about how people tend to rate their own perceived attractiveness much more kindly than strangers rated them. To be blunt about it -- almost all of us are walking around, a little delulu about how attractive we actually are. This results in a population that's 80% average schlubs (of all genders), most of whom don't want to "settle" for other average schlubs -- who are really the people in their league.

3

u/imminentjogger5 Sep 11 '26

nobody has time anymore to get to know someone's personality when there is a hotter looking guy/girl just around the corner 

1

u/TechTuna1200 Sep 11 '26

Hotness only matters if you have not them for long, because that is the only thing you can judge them on.

I you have been friends first, other things come into play like personality.

3

u/fluffynukeit Sep 11 '26

The research calls this closed field vs open field. Open field is what you call "cold approach." You can see the research discussed in the first few minutes of this video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHkcIRZa6lo

1

u/TechTuna1200 Sep 11 '26

Thanks! this is exactly it! Did know there was already a term for it. It was just my observations that looks matter much less when people are friends first before dating. If they don't know each other, then it's all about looks.

5

u/kaloryth Sep 11 '26

My friend is convinced the college guys who go to our bouldering gym are there to pick up women. I haven't personally seen or experienced this behavior, but it makes sense since there's so much downtime between climbs where people naturally end up having conversations to pass the time. The gender ratio is also pretty good.

So yeah these spaces still exist if you know where to look.

8

u/DingleDangleTangle Sep 11 '26

However it’s often considered inappropriate these days to hit on a woman in settings like this

4

u/Neverending_Rain Sep 11 '26

It depends. Approaching a woman you've never met before at these places solely to hit on them will annoy most of them. But if you're just chatting with people in general and end up hitting it off with one of them, politely asking them out for coffee or drinks is generally seen as fine. It's only seen as a problem if you're obviously there just to hit on women.

4

u/DingleDangleTangle Sep 11 '26 edited Sep 11 '26

Approaching a woman you've never met before at these places solely to hit on them will annoy most of them. 

So basically a man is bad if a woman assumes their intentions a certain way, an assumption the man has no control over...

And also, why is it bad to be a man attempting to find a partner in the first place?

But if you're just chatting with people in general and end up hitting it off with one of them, politely asking them out for coffee or drinks is generally seen as fine. It's only seen as a problem if you're obviously there just to hit on women.

Except what makes this "obvious" is different to different people. If a man is trying to talk to a woman about climbing and she decides he's only there to hit on women, how does it make any sense to blame the man for that?

This whole "you can approach women romantically but only if you do it on accident and not intentionally and only if they think it's just your intention to be their friend" makes zero sense. And people wonder why everyone just uses dating apps instead of trying to find a romantic partner face to face. Because it's better than being labeled a creep for trying to find a partner the same way men commonly did for nearly all of human history up until the past 10 or so years.

0

u/Neverending_Rain Sep 11 '26

Except what makes this "obvious" is different to different people. If a man is trying to talk to a woman about climbing and she decides he's only there to hit on women, how does it make any sense to blame the man for that?

Sure, you'll get the occasionally person misreading your intentions, but it's impossible to avoid that. Most people are capable of telling the difference between casual conversation and getting hit on though.

This whole "you can approach women romantically but only if you do it on accident and not intentionally and only if they think it's just your intention to be their friend" makes zero sense. And people wonder why everyone just uses dating apps instead of trying to meet people in public.

Except I never said that? There are places where it's considered socially acceptable to go to women to hit on them, like bars or clubs. But most people go to bouldering gyms because they like bouldering, not to look for a date.

And that's actually how a shit ton of relationships start. They ask out someone after getting to know them a bit, not in the very first conversation. When you hit on a stranger the first time you meet them you're obviously only talking to them because of their appearance. There's nothing necessarily wrong with that, but it's also not what many people want. If you chat with people you regularly see at the boulder gym and ask one of them out for a date after a bit that shows you're likely interested in their personality, not just their appearance.

4

u/DingleDangleTangle Sep 11 '26

Sure, you'll get the occasionally person misreading your intentions, but it's impossible to avoid that. Most people are capable of telling the difference between casual conversation and getting hit on though.

This is a ridiculous expectation to place on men. "Some people will think you're a creep and it's completely out of your control, oh well. You'll just have to risk being called a creep if you don't go to bars/clubs and don't want to be alone forever."

Except I never said that? There are places where it's considered socially acceptable to go to women to hit on them, like bars or clubs.

Not everyone goes to bars and clubs...

When you hit on a stranger the first time you meet them you're obviously only talking to them because of their appearance.

Oh the irony of viewing this as wrong when this is exactly how dating apps work, and they are literally the most popular way people get in relationships now. I guess it's fine to talk to people because of their appearance, but only if you do it over an app.

If you chat with people you regularly see at the boulder gym and ask one of them out for a date after a bit that shows you're likely interested in their personality, not just their appearance.

Oh you mean unless they decide you're a creep for doing so, then you're the bad guy.

-1

u/barrinmw Sep 11 '26

This is easy. The longer you are expected to share an environment with someone, the more you have to talk to them and get to know them to ask them out.

Are you in a grocery store and see someone you find attractive? Shoot your shot, if they say no, say thank you for your time and go on with your day. Get over the feeling of being rejected.

Are you in a place like a gym where you will be seeing someone pretty regularly? Strike up a conversation with them once or twice and if it seems to be going well, ask them out. if they say no, say thank you for your time and go on with your day. Get over the feeling of being rejected.

2

u/Neverending_Rain Sep 11 '26

Third spaces still exist, there are still plenty of bars, coffee shops, parks, libraries, etc. The problem is going to those and meeting people takes effort, sitting at home on your couch with a phone is easier, so that's what many people do.

2

u/Nice_Assistance_5543 Sep 11 '26

It's less about third spaces, and more about a broad change in society of which lack of third spaces is a symptom.

We are different socially than we were 50 years ago.

1

u/Moist-Schedule Sep 11 '26

this. reddit learned the term "third space" a few years ago and they just love throwing it around every chance they get now as the cause of all of society's problems. but as you said, it's a symptom, not the cause.

they also seem to believe these spaces should all be free.

1

u/Cautious_Job_6104 Sep 11 '26

Those aren't really cold approaching, a bar is a social environment.

1

u/SkiingAway Sep 11 '26

To be fair it's also that a lot of people simply don't do anything and aren't involved in anything, not necessarily that nothing exists in their area to do that fits those criteria.

I'm pretty deep into a certain musical niche/subculture - I see a lot of shows for it, I attend a bunch of bigger events for it, I'm in a variety of Discords related to it, etc. I've made a lot of friends that way and met a number of partners that way, including my current GF. Most of the time when I see a show in my region at this point I either know people who are also going or run into people I'm acquainted with at the gig.

And before someone says you have to be rich - most of those shows are like $20-40 and a 3-day fest is like $100 for the actual ticket.

-1

u/supersonic675 Sep 11 '26

No one wants to meet random girl from the club and catch a disease 🤢🤢

1

u/Minimum-Reward3264 Sep 11 '26

I’ve seen some in the news. Men don’t go there. Seams organizers sell them to women like get a rich boyfriend event.

1

u/LePhasme Sep 11 '26

In my area they are popular and they are very close to a 50-50 ratio for all the events

0

u/WallStreetThreats_ Sep 11 '26

It's so fucking over for me.

-68

u/Keensworth Sep 11 '26 edited Sep 11 '26

Isn't is the same thing? Most women go for like 2 or 3 men so the other guys don't get a chance and most women will stay single because the one dude they all wanted only picked one woman.

So basically it's the same but in physical

Edit: those downvotes shows how I know nothing about women

51

u/green_gold_purple Sep 11 '26

No. This is how men from the manosphere will have you believe it does, but real people actually like unique and different human characteristics.

7

u/km3r Sep 11 '26

People need to peak into the gay community. People are much more blunt about different physical characteristics that one is into, and it's totally normal to not be into some characteristics. And that's not even getting into non physical stuff.

12

u/zerogee616 Sep 11 '26

Gay dating plays by a completely different set of rules than hetero dating does.

4

u/PuzzleMeDo Sep 11 '26

The inherent problems of how dating works (people have too high standards for others and too low standards for how they themselves act, and the ones who don't leave the dating pool) are common to both in-person events and dating sites. But the specific problems of dating apps (algorithms designed to ruthlessly extract money from you rather than help you) aren't.

9

u/trentgibbo Sep 11 '26

I think that's exactly opposite to how it works. Most women have a much broader range of guy they are willing to put up with.

5

u/Big-Swan7502 Sep 11 '26

"Put up with" is the problem here 

-3

u/honeyroastedbbq Sep 11 '26

How do you even arrive to this conclusion lmfao? Tell me again, how many girls actually prefer dating guys who aren’t white or black?

4

u/UnexpectedAnanas Sep 11 '26 edited Sep 11 '26

Tell me again, how many girls actually prefer dating guys who aren’t white or black?

Literally billions. It's a really big world out there, and some of the most populated areas are primarily non-white and non-black....

I don't know where you live, but I will say this:

If you believe that no women would date you because of your race, you'll be right. Not because of your race, but because of your belief that your race means you could never get a date to begin with. Your attitude has already poisoned the opportunity.

If women didn't like Asian men, China wouldn't have a population of 1.4B. If women didn't like Indian men, India wouldn't have a population of 1.4B. If women didn't like...

See where I'm going with this?

70

u/SubstituteUser0 Sep 11 '26

The only people I know that actually meet people are the ones that party a lot. Everyone else is just struggling.

11

u/Chemroo Sep 11 '26

I think the biggest issue is that guys get so focused on finding a partner that they make it their only goal.
In the past, finding dates was usually a side effect of your social events like school/church/friends/etc
If you are active socially and have hobbies/clubs/sports you’ll meet a bunch of people. A biggest social network will definitely improve your odds of meeting someone organically, but don’t treat every interaction with a girl like it’s a date lol

1

u/mrkrabsfatkrussy Sep 11 '26

I partied a lot and all the single people were poly and fucking around …

2

u/Sphericalline13 Sep 11 '26

Club and rec sports homie

49

u/kwustie Sep 11 '26

Rec leagues.

59

u/TheRealBissy Sep 11 '26

For guys it’s awful using dating apps. I’m legit gonna be lonely. I don’t go to nightclubs or bars and work isn’t the place. Maybe I’ll try joining a volunteer group or something like that. I’ve gotten some dates from hinge but nothing worked out. Idk how people are meeting up these days

6

u/nintendonaut Sep 11 '26

Nightclubs and bars are no better. I'm a city socialite who is in those places with friends every weekend, and every woman I see/meet in those spaces is hanging off her man. Single women don't go out to meet single men anymore, they don't want to be approached because it's "creepy." They'll just go on the apps where they have 200 matches and pick a man to go with instead.

Occasionally, there might be a single woman or two, but she won't be alone. She'll be with a gaggle of 5 drunk bodyguard friends who will give you the stinkeye just for looking her direction.

6

u/TheRealBissy Sep 11 '26

It’s infuriating that even trying to talk to a girl in public is impossible without being labeled a creep. I just never do it. I sometimes think of chatting with a girl in the gym, but that’s a massive no no. It’s hopeless idk how people did it before dating apps cause trying out in public is not possible, unless you’re unbelievably charismatic or handsome

35

u/Nesyaj0 Sep 11 '26

Same. I have a woman friend who just doesn't get how shitty it is from a man's pov. She's always talking about these multiple guys she's talking to on Tinder and I have to keep explaining to her how the pendulum swings in the other direction for men and we almost never have anyone to talk to.

15

u/danfirst Sep 11 '26

Since most people don't read the article, it's written from a woman's POV. Talking about getting 12 matches a day but only a few respond and how it's hard to connect but so easy to reject people from not tall enough or wrong hairstyle. She had lots of first dates that never went further than that. Meanwhile guys are here talking about being scammed and everything is a paywall.

3

u/ms_boullionaire Sep 11 '26

Yeah, I don’t know how many people actually read the article based on the direction of this conversation.

It was a woman talking about the challenges she personally experienced. The thread seems full of “women have it easy on apps” which is a bit funny contextually.

14

u/pmjm Sep 11 '26

As they say, for men, dating apps are a desert. For women, dating apps are a swamp.

2

u/Jah_Ith_Ber Sep 11 '26

That's just a platitude people choose to believe because it's more comfortable to think things are equally bad, just different than to admit that it really is, actually, easier for one sex.

1

u/pmjm Sep 12 '26

Easier ≠ Easy

-10

u/AwesomeFrisbee Sep 11 '26

And those that do get to talk, end up being total freaks or plain assholes. It would be a lot better for a lot of ladies if they would give the nerds a chance. There's a lot of potential in a lot of them but they just need help getting it out. Seriously, a lot of people don't seem to understand that your future partner doesn't need to be perfect now, they can and will change. Especially if you find one that is eager to.

4

u/kittykellyfair Sep 11 '26

You don't need someone else to work on you, you can work on yourself if you think you need it.

I don't think people should expect perfection but no one wants a "project" either, they want a person.

0

u/AwesomeFrisbee Sep 12 '26

For some stuff, sure its difficult and some people will never change, but for other things its still a matter of getting used to it. And a major part is getting/showing confidence and you only get that by experience. By changing your style so that the other sex likes it better. Now some will like their boring clothing or boring hairstyle, but others wouldn't mind a few tips and changes. If a girl tells me x and then complements when I do that, then I'm fine with doing x.

A little bit of love and a bit of honest communication can make people change very easily. Some don't know what they do wrong and some are just too shy or hurt too often to do things that they don't mind or even like doing.

8

u/FeeRemarkable3911 Sep 11 '26

Spoken like a total freak 😂

-4

u/AwesomeFrisbee Sep 11 '26

You can't deny that the group that gets a lot of matches, ruined a lot of things for the rest of us. And of course the group that doesn't get matches but just spams girls with unwanted messages and pictures. But the majority of people at dating apps right now is just very desperate on getting any meaningful likes but the algorithm just doesn't give them any. As a guy any girl that you like but doesn't like you back, will hurt your score. Meanwhile girls don't even need to like anything because they will get enough offered already.

3

u/ms_boullionaire Sep 11 '26

To be fair: nice guys, freaks, assholes, nerds, gentlemen, douche bags, smart guys, stable guys, cheaters, liars, insert adjective of choice… They all look the same on the app.

There is 1 format where everyone is trying to communicate the essence of their person and often that doesn’t translate well.

It is an imperfect system where men outnumber women drastically. The swiping approaches have been noted as very different between genders because they are dealing with different issues with the platform.

People select based on personal wants/needs/compatibilities. The solution you offer: “women should just give nerds a chance”

a) how can they tell the nice, nerdy, honest, stable, kind man apart from the hundreds of people presenting the same way?

b) how do you know from first glance which are the people who “need drawing out” vs who is just not compatible or is low effort?

-6

u/MikeArrow Sep 11 '26

I've been saying this for years, but I always get accused of being a 'nice guy'. Like I'm stable, well educated, solid job, creative interests... but I'm morbidly obese. If I could just lose enough weight to be considered a viable option, I'm sure I'd do ok. But as it is I'm just functionally not even in consideration.

-2

u/TheRealBissy Sep 11 '26

I feel you. I was over weight and during covid onwards I forced myself to lose weight it time but it worked out. Going to gym and eating better helped but it took a year or so to achieve. Even then my looks are not the best. These apps you need to look good to garb some attention. I hope you’re able to work on yourself because I sure you’ll get some good attention your way. It may not come from the apps but will outside. Dating apps just suck it really is no point nowadays

-2

u/AwesomeFrisbee Sep 11 '26 edited Sep 11 '26

Yeah, obese doesn't help but being severely overweight is something you can definitely do something about. But I get it, it takes a long time for things to be noticeable and it takes a lot of effort and time to get in shape. I've been working hard and now finally get into a normal looking figure. But even still it doesn't really have the effect on apps as I hoped (though it also doesn't help to not have a variety of pictures that fit my current weight). And lots of guys get called out for only swiping on looks but its the same thing the other way around. Perhaps even tougher as they just get a lot more likes and it makes it feel like the pond is bigger than it really is. I also feel that the text in my profile hardly ever matters, no matter how funny, unique or well done it is. Especially if you want to be honest about certain things. Like, I have a hearing disability, I make jokes about that but its hard to be honest about it since it will really decrease the chances of getting a like. As if nobody has any baggage. And for overweight people the only thing I want to see about that is that they are putting in the effort to get in shape. To show me that they are actively working on getting better, same with other things that you know are not great. There is a limit to how attractive I find them, but I just know people can have had a hard time and thats totally ok. And if they are like me, then they find it a lot harder to lose weight when they are alone. I can sit around hungry all day when I'm with somebody nice. But when I'm alone, I just tend to eat a lot more and more often. Its really tough for me to lose weight like that and its been quite a journey.

1

u/MikeArrow Sep 11 '26

but its the same thing the other way around

Yeah I laugh every time I see women try to insist that they're less focused on looks than men are. If anything, they're far more selective.

9

u/__under____score__ Sep 11 '26

Can’t imagine why anyone considers you a 'nice guy.'

-5

u/MikeArrow Sep 11 '26

If you'd like to actually discuss the point that I made, I'd be happy to do so. Do you think women are less selective about looks compared to men? And if so, why?

8

u/__under____score__ Sep 11 '26

I think women aren’t a monolith. They’re just people living their own lives with the autonomy to make decisions based upon their own preferences.

This may shock you, but their brains are just as capable of independent thought as yours is.

→ More replies

2

u/lot183 Sep 11 '26

Maybe I’ll try joining a volunteer group or something like that.

Volunteer group, hobby group, adult co-ed rec sports, meet-ups that happen on set dates. Anything that involves meeting the same people multiple times. Just don't go into these spaces prowling for women, go enjoy the actual activity while making friends and it'll come naturally.

1

u/TheRealBissy Sep 11 '26

You’re I should go to actually enjoy the meet up and make new friends. I’m starting to see what events are going on in Sydney. Just need to put myself out there more

1

u/lot183 Sep 12 '26

I really recommend the coed sports leagues. Kickball specifically is super social and requires little to no athletic skill, if they have that there

1

u/BeagleDad82 Sep 11 '26

If you're in Southern California, try some singles/speed dating events. It can be nerve racking just to go, but its fun once it gets started.

2

u/TheRealBissy Sep 11 '26

I wish haha I live in Sydney Australia. Maybe I’ll see if there are any singles dating events here

1

u/[deleted] Sep 11 '26

[deleted]

1

u/TheRealBissy Sep 12 '26

True plus bars are expensive can’t always go there.

1

u/a-sentient-slav Sep 11 '26

It doesn't seem possible to actually connect with someone online. Everybody behaves like a complete psychopath. The slightest deviation from their invisible standards and I'm out without even having the time to blink. There's always something I do wrong which I can't predict because I'm unable to read people's minds. Thinking of a reply feels like taking a step into a minefield with no way of knowing whether that step will be my last.

Meanwhile my matches barely care, put precious little effort or thought into their part and leave all the initiative and work to me. I've had more interesting interactions with stray cats than with some of those people. And the cats actually seemed to appreciate my presence in some capacity, unlike my matches.

Doing online dating just feels like throwing my time into a black hole. 

1

u/throwingpurple Sep 17 '26

Or you can be comfortable with being single.

1

u/TheRealBissy Sep 17 '26

I’ve been single for a long time now. I have gotten used to for years and years now. It’s gotten to the point that I seriously can’t continue being single anymore

1

u/throwingpurple Sep 17 '26

That’s sad. I’m sorry to hear that.

1

u/TheRealBissy Sep 17 '26

It’s all good haha. I’ll keep on trying to better myself and hopefully someone comes along

1

u/throwingpurple Sep 17 '26

Being single is liberating tbh. Relationships are overrated anyways. I think you’ll benefit a lot by being comfortable being single and the right person will come along naturally.

1

u/TheRealBissy Sep 17 '26

I do agree the freedom with being single is always appreciated. Yeah better to for the right person to come by naturally. But for me personally I need to do things that require for that to happen. I just tend to go out often or do things where people are at.

44

u/Any_Perspective_577 Sep 11 '26

Running clubs apparently

2

u/Heel_Paul Sep 12 '26

I'm seeing a girl who I met on hinge and she's in a running club it comes off as high school level drama about who is fucking who. 

4

u/BasvanS Sep 11 '26

Running? I guess I should hold on to my current partner then.

Or is it a “running” club?

38

u/Qwertywalkers23 Sep 11 '26

Apparently running clubs are like retirement homes with how much people are hooking up, but that sounds like a lie by big fitness to try and trick me into running.

13

u/elbenji Sep 11 '26

it's mostly a lie

-3

u/[deleted] Sep 11 '26

[deleted]

2

u/elbenji Sep 11 '26

For gay men certainly

6

u/buyongmafanle Sep 11 '26

The part they don't tell you is running clubs are 80% straight guys, 15% gay guys, 4% bi guys, and 1% female.

So... dating apps again.

5

u/MainAccountsFriend Sep 11 '26

Probably depends on the run club/location. The ones I've been to were about an even mix between men and women

2

u/buyongmafanle Sep 11 '26

You live in LA, Miami, Seattle, or Boulder?

1

u/throwingpurple Sep 17 '26

I’m from Seattle I used to join run clubs

1

u/Lord_Aldrich Sep 11 '26

Most run clubs I know of (and there are a LOT in my city) are based out of a bar or pub. You meet at the bar, go for a run, end at the bar and grab drinks after

-4

u/beigetrope Sep 11 '26

until you blow your knee lol

7

u/slightly_comfortable Sep 11 '26

It’s always so weird to me how the internet has this idea that running causes knee problems. I’d wager being obese (like much of America is) has a significantly greater effect on worsening knee health than running.

3

u/VeryLazyFalcon Sep 11 '26

Because people don't know how to run, they get these fancy running shoes with biiig heels, and run too much. These big heels are bad bc they hide too much issues and reinforce wrong gait. Resulting in people landing on straight leg and damaging their joints.

3

u/Wahx-il-Baqar Sep 11 '26

I tell my friends they have too much padding on their shoes. I tried barefoot this year and so far its been great!

3

u/VeryLazyFalcon Sep 11 '26

yeah, barefoots are awesome, I went from barely walking to having almost 600km walked just this year. I'm on the heavier side so running in them is limited, but anyway I fixed so many issues with feet, ankles, hips and posture that I recommend them to everybody.

2

u/Wahx-il-Baqar Sep 11 '26

Well done! Same here, my foot was so crunched inside normal shoes, my pinkie started to tuck under the next toe. Barefoot fixed this issue, for me it is amazing.

0

u/beigetrope Sep 11 '26

Jez, it was a light-hearted joke. Also, it 100% can… age-related changes and wear and tear in the knee can compound the risk of injury. Not American, fyi.

28

u/Crappler319 Sep 11 '26

Same. Pre-pandemic Tinder was a blast, then I met my wife and uninstalled. I hear it got way worse really fast shortly thereafter, with algorithm fuckery, stuff locked behind paywalls, etc.

Dating DLC is wild

18

u/woofyc_89 Sep 11 '26

What happened is that the market shifted. Too few new people joined so they decide to focus on exploiting the current user base more. Suddenly every feature was behind a paywall

2

u/lessregretsnextyear Sep 11 '26

I met my wife on Tinder a couple years after COVID but before all the AI nonsense. I have suspected that AI generated profiles are probably making it more difficult. My experience in 2023 was pretty good though in terms of finding pretty solid matches.

4

u/Kaeru-Sennin Sep 11 '26

Easy : We don't meet and we stay miserable

6

u/EkoChamberKryptonite Sep 11 '26

People still get married off of tinder. Not as common as nigh a decade ago but it still happens.

-3

u/Sicknesscity17 Sep 11 '26

Yes but they're people with no character, decency, intelligence or morals. So it's works but not if one really judges. 

0

u/EkoChamberKryptonite Sep 11 '26

That's utterly false as well. There're always outliers.

2

u/BananaReeves Sep 11 '26

Hinge lol works great for me anyway

3

u/YorubaOyinbo Sep 11 '26

Met my wife using Bumble just before the pandemic. We both downloaded it for just a week on a lark.

2

u/EmperorKira Sep 11 '26

People arent

1

u/Eastern-Fudge-6350 Sep 11 '26

I fully understand that this is not representative of the general population but in my friend group everyone has met their partners in person for the last 15 years. We're all old now and most of us are in long term relationships but the ones that aren't are still finding people offline.

1

u/____DEADPOOL_______ Sep 11 '26

Mutual interest groups, volunteer groups, religion, gaming clubs, etc.

1

u/_plebbie Sep 11 '26

Threads. It's strange.

1

u/Special_Agent_Whoa Sep 11 '26

I've never used dating apps but am also never looking for a long term relationship. The most recent girls I "dated": next sear flight passenger, my flight attendant, my nurse, a temporary neighbor, restaurant hostess, gym girl, lapsed friend of a previous girlfriend, bar cocktail waitress, a pool server, another nurse I met while picking up takeout, a couple hikers...

1

u/Coppercrow Sep 11 '26

I'm married thankfully, but I've 5 couples introduced through my D&D games :)

1

u/dealingwithhookers Sep 11 '26

the first few days of tinder was great. real matches. real people in your area. i went on a few dates with the hottest girls i've ever talked to. you would swipe until there's no more in your area.

now it's you swipe until your daily limit is reached and also it's not your area it's more like the whole metropolitan area and sometimes the neighboring one. it's like i match up with someone 2 hours away from me... okay? now what?

0

u/Signal_Ad_6915 Sep 11 '26

Gen Z is using OnlyFans.

-4

u/UXguy123 Sep 11 '26

Tinder was awesome back when it synced with Facebook and everyone had Facebook.

You could see what mutual friends you had with the person, which made meeting up with someone feel less sketchy.