Does speaking your partner's native language eventually feel natural?

[u/cooldude_2000]

I'm a heritage Arabic speaker, around B2 in my dialect. I understand almost everything and can hold conversations, but speaking still feels awkward sometimes and often find my self at a loss for the right words, and find English much easier.

I've been dating a native Arabic speaker for a couple of months, and we communicate entirely in Arabic since her English is still beginner-level.

I still get some anxiety when speaking, especially when I can't find the right words or express myself as naturally as I would in English.

I am studying Arabic daily on my own. I live in an English speaking country.

How realistic is it to expect that speaking will eventually become natural and effortless with enough time and practice? Including things like complex topics and humor etc.

Has anyone been in a similar situation with a partner? Would love to hear your experiences and tips.

[u/Miro_the_Dragon]

Yes, it can become totally natural, but it takes a lot of time and work. English for me feels like a second native language by now even though it's not (I started learning it in school when I was 10). A big factor was certainly just getting tons of native-level input (reading hundreds of books, watching countless films and series, being active in English-speaking internet spaces) even before I met my partner.

[u/muffinsballhair → u/Miro_the_Dragon]

Will it when you only speak it with one person really? I'm not so sure.

Furthermore, you started when you were 10. For many people who start when they're older than 20 and live in the country it's spoken, it's clear their native language still comes more easily to them. I know someone who has lived in Japan for longer than half his life and still claims that his native language comes more easily to him.

I'm not so sure it will necessarily.

[u/Miro_the_Dragon → u/muffinsballhair]

How much are those people reading and listening in their TL? You need a shitton of varying (comprehensible!) native-level input to develop this natural language intuition.

[u/muffinsballhair → u/Miro_the_Dragon]

Have you ever attained this level then where a language you started learning after the age of say 20 becomes as good as easy to communicate in as your native language, because it's very rare. I have the distinct feeling that most people who answer in this thread that it'll come have probably never seen it happen before their eyes and are simply assuming that it will.

Also, there's a tonne of research that shows that input alone is not sufficient. It's honestly really hard to take the idea seriously that you can achieve this level with “a shittonne of comprehensible input”. It's been investigated and they found that people who do that without conversations and interaction develop a malformed mental model of the language and don't develop the normal “predictive intuition” that native speakers have on a neurological level.

[u/Miro_the_Dragon → u/muffinsballhair]

I never said that input was the only thing I did, did I? I had classes in school and vocational school from the age of 10 to 19, I studied English at university for a few semesters, I participated in online spaces in English, I communicated with people... But a shitton of native-level comprehensible input is still what had the biggest impact on my language intuition.

As for whether I reached that level with a language I started learning later in life, not quite but I'm getting close with Dutch (which I started self-studying when I was around 18-20--don't remember exactly when I started it). Never had any classes in Dutch, and also had way less input compared to English, plus fewer opportunities to actively use it, but I'm comfortable speaking and writing it and feel like I can read pretty much anything in it, and follow most films or shows with ease unless it's difficult-to-understand dialect.

[u/muffinsballhair → u/Miro_the_Dragon]

I never said that input was the only thing I did, did I?

You said you need a shittonne of input to reach this comfort. I disagree. You need a shittone of interaction most likely. At least the research of Swain and Long strongly suggests that people cannot develop this predictive model without dialog, “negotiating for meaning” and interaction.

I never said that input was the only thing I did, did I? I had classes in school and vocational school from the age of 10 to 19, I studied English at university for a few semesters, I participated in online spaces in English, I communicated with people... But a shitton of native-level comprehensible input is still what had the biggest impact on my language intuition.

How would you know what had the biggest impact? I never understand these claims. You can't tell that of yourself because you have no controls of one person. They compared students who did input only versus those who had conversations and interaction and concluded that the latter group when put under a brain scan develops this predictive model and the former doesn't.

As for whether I reached that level with a language I started learning later in life, not quite but I'm getting close with Dutch

So how do you know then that it will happen for sure? Because the way I'm looking at the statistics, they aren't promising and only a very small percentage of persons that starts after 20 seems to achieve true native-level proficiency.

[u/Miro_the_Dragon → u/muffinsballhair]

Alright, guess you know me better than I do then... *sigh*

[u/Saeroun-Sayongja]

If your relationship is already in Arabic, then the thing that’s going to make communication feel more natural is to improve your Arabic. Study and practice. Simple a s that.

The thing that’s takes relationship effort, on the other hand, is changing your shared language. If your partner studies English super hard, gets much better at it, and you decide you want to speak English with each other instead, that’s going to feel super weird at first. You’re the same people of course, but it’s like getting to know slightly different version of each other for the first time and figuring out a new dynamic of how to interact together.

[u/International-Rip-59]

Eventually you won't think of it and it'll be like any other relationship

[u/IssueRidden → u/[deleted]]

you're completely correct but heritage foundation got me chuckle lol

[u/wufiavelli]

I would focus on the relationship part, communicate where you can but do not use it for practice. relationships can be stressed enough without them correcting your grammar. There is always gonna be some ambiguity and communication issues, just kind of part of interlingual dating. While it will definitely help you improve, communicating with one person can make your plateau as you get comfortable with each other. You are also gonna acquire a lot of stuff from them which will influence you speaking. Becareful when going into professional or other settings. You very likely picked up gendered or casual speaking patterns maybe without even knowing it.

[u/divinelyshpongled]

I think it took me about 7-8 years before it felt really natural. I’m still not fluent but I speak confidently and naturally. It’s not Arabic tho.. it’s Chinese

[u/OkResult7416]

Absolutely realistic. I use it with our kids now as we made it our family language. It takes time but it will come. Just keep immersing. I wasn't a heritage speaker either so I was completely learning from scratch. My advice would be to catch up on any cultural stuff you missed. Comedians, jokes, well known movies or books. When you have the full cultural context a native speaker does, you sound even more native. I like podcasts or shows where a presenter interviews someone, or two people talk to each other. It helps to mimic that to have really natural sounding speech. Any time I couldn't express myself I would make a note and search or ask my partner later how to say it. You could also have a separate tutor or spend time speaking to their family members, this helps particularly with more gendered language or hobbies your partner doesn't share. Like my partner has no clue how to talk about fashion for example, I learnt all of that from his cousins and from watching people online talking about fashion, sewing, outfits, etc. Whatever your hobbies are, look them up and learn all the new vocab.

[u/julietides]

It feels weird changing languages in any relationship with anyone, but you can always get used to it. I recommend starting from certain contexts for it and leaving others for later if it feels awkward to do everything in the other language.

ETA: sorry, I just woke up and have been very stressed, totally misunderstood the setup. If the relationship is being nurtured already in your target language, yes, you will improve, you will get used to speaking it a lot, and it will feel absolutely natural. Gosh, I need another coffee.

[u/Simple-Drink8712]

Yes it will. Nobody can tell you how long.

[u/Rough_Assistant8544]

100% yes, but give yourself grace, like a couple of months is still early days

[u/Sylvieon]

Of course. Why wouldn't it? 

I started learning Korean at 17, dated a Korean guy at 21, and I haven't dated anyone in English in the several years since. Importantly, I spent almost 2 years living in Korea and speaking Korean with a ton of different people, and even now, living outside of Korea and single, I speak it for probably 15-20 hours a week. 

You will improve faster if you ask your partner for feedback. You do not and should not expect her to be your teacher (and I'm not saying I think you would), but you can say something and then ask if it was correct... you can ask her to make an example sentence for a word you want to learn. Etc. I did a lot of that in my relationships and I still do the former (seeking immediate feedback on random things I say) with everyone I'm friends with. 

Another thing to consider is that if your partner is your only or one of just a few TL speakers you heavily interact with, you'll be strongly influenced by their style of speech, for better or for worse. My ex spoke some of the most textbook Korean I've heard -- zero profanities, very proper, but quite silly and cute (to me). So when I moved to Korea and became friends with other guys, I acquired a whole different register and my Korean became more rough. Right now my best friend is gay and Korean and has an insane vocabulary (very rare for me to meet a Korean speaker who uses words idk these days but he does quite often), including words I've only seen in books and gay slang, some of it extremely vulgar. And some of it has definitely entered my vocabulary (not the most vulgar stuff, I hope). And I was recently told that some of the Korean expressions I use are weirdly cutesy and should only be used in a relationship. Hmm, I wonder where those came from? (that ex I mentioned who had a lot of aegyo and had the most influence on my Korean back in the day) 

Basically, you have to interact with people other than your partner as well, and for stuff like humor it would help if you watch funny content together in Arabic, but you will improve as long as you are challenging yourself and pushing the boundaries of what you say in Arabic and seeking feedback on your attempts. 

[u/tashtactics]

I’ve had 2 Arabic partners, 1 German partner, and 2 English-speaking partners (1 current). Those are the languages I am best at in order excluding my NL.

It 100% gets a LOT easier with time and practice. It took me I would say about 4 years before Arabic finally ‘clicked’ for me, at which point I found it a lot easier.

It takes a lot of passive maintenance (e.g. reading books in your TL or changing languages of films, technology etc to your TL), and it takes a lot of effort and dedication to actually improving, obviously, but time and practice are the main things. It’s even better if your partner is engaged with helping you

Good luck!

[u/knitting-w-attitude]

It takes a lot of time and exposure. If talking to her is your only practice, then it’s going to be a lot longer. Listen to lots of Arabic (preferably her dialect), and see if you can get additional language partners to increase your practice. I’ve been living in my partner’s home country for 7 years now, and talking only became effortless after a year of working in the language, which was 4 years after moving here. 

[u/Upper-Incident-5802]

Overall I would say it takes time. I have lived in English speaking countries for 4 years . I have also when I lived in non- English speaking countries had English speaking friends and girlfriends. 

My humor does not really translate well into English , so I believe people consider me a more serious guy when I'm back in Sweden. 

Overall it gets easier with time but the great thing about English is that most movies , tv-series , music , YouTube I watch and work related stuff is in English. 

So in other words, I spend multiple hours every day using English . 

The more time you are able to spend with Arabic , the sooner it will start to feel more normal. 

However there is one big difference here though. 

As Swedes , we as a group consume a lot of English speaking media. Out language is related and overall our culture is a lot more similar to English/American culture than what Arabic is. 

So the step to make Arabic come natural is definitely a bigger step . 

Wishing you the best of luck! 

[u/Stafania]

Your chances increase if you do keep speaking ä, and your chances are zero if you stop 😊 Dies it matter? If you want the language in your life, use it and enjoy it for what it is.

[u/cllrnd]

I speak German to my dogs

[u/Mishka_1994 → u/cllrnd]

https://makeagif.com/i/VudrG_

[u/cllrnd → u/Mishka_1994]

page not found

[u/Mishka_1994 → u/cllrnd]

Ahh oops. Just your comment about speaking German to dogs reminded me of this show https://www.youtube.com/shorts/0lNAc4HKx0w

[u/PutridScore5951]

I totally agree with you! Talking is like a muscle. The more you use it, the better it will be. There are a lot of activities happening in the brain in order for us to select words and constructthem into a sentence on the spot, so the more we speak, the more our brain learns how to do that! Just studying won't help!

[u/silvalingua]

Speaking any foreign language can become natural if you learn it well enough. Whose language is it is completely irrelevant. Why would it matter??? It's just the question of learning it really well.