r/WouldIBeTheAhole • u/Pale-Experience-2409 • 1d ago

WIBTA if I sent my in-laws the booking confirmation after my BIL told them the anniversary trip was from him?

My husband and I wanted to do something for his parents’ 40th anniversary coming up in November. We found a beachfront rental that fits the whole family for a long weekend and my BIL said he’d go in with us, $1,700 each.

A couple days before the deposit was due he texted me that him and his wife bought a house and can’t swing it right now. The listing had already been booked and cancelled on other people and the deadline was that Friday so I just put the full $3,400 on our card. We figured he’d pay us back once things settled down but that conversation never happened.

This past Saturday the whole family went out for the anniversary dinner.

Toward the end BIL tapped his glass and told the table he’d booked mom and dad a beach trip for their anniversary. My FIL actually teared up. MIL went around the table to hug him. The whole table was clapping and congratulating him and I just sat there watching my husband stare at his plate.

On the drive home I asked my husband if he was gonna say anything. He told me his parents are genuinely excited and he doesn’t want to start something over it.

The next day FIL called my husband. I could hear the whole conversation through the phone. He just kept going on about how great it is that BIL came through and my husband sat there saying yeah the whole time.

Since Monday BIL’s been in the family group chat acting like he’s the one coordinating this trip. “I’ll send everyone the details this week” and “let me know your flight times so I can figure out cars.” He hasn’t asked me for a single damn piece of the booking information.

I’ve got the confirmation email right there with my name on the booking and my card charged for the full $3,400 and I can’t decide whether to just let him take credit for something he didn’t pay a cent toward or to forward it to the group chat and let everyone see for themselves. WIBTA?

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274

u/CrossFitMathIsHard 1d ago

This, but only offer to cancel yours. You know BIL won't book it because he can't afford it, right?

Alternately, be adult about it, and tell your in-laws the truth - that you and hubby are hurt because you booked the trip and BIL is taking all of the credit despite telling you he can't even pay his share. Explain that you are not looking to start something, but can't stay silent and let your husband be slighted over this.

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u/caparusso 1d ago edited 9h ago

“ Hi Family. I did not want to ruin the mood last night since we all were having a nice time. There seems to be a major disconnect miscommunication in regard to the beach house rental I proposed as a gift from us and SIL& BIL to mom and dad for their anniversary. I booked the rental with SIL & BIL’s approval with a set budget on x date ( show screen shot ). On x date BIL stated they could no longer afford to contribute( show screen shots of all conversations and rental payment).At this point I decided to cancel the reservation for the beach house because BIL & SIL could not afford their share. I was just as surprised as you were when BIL announced at the anniversary dinner that he booked something without our knowledge at all . BIL please share location and photos of beach rental with all of us my budget still remains at $1700. “

OP please do an update curious how you deal with this and how BIL & SIL react. After doing this have a private conversation with your parents and tell them everything that happened because a man that lies like this is not to be trusted at all for anything else….. I’m sure your parents won’t be surprised by his behaviour.

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u/FormerIndependence36 1d ago edited 21h ago

Except everyone is saying she should do it. Her husband needs to. She needs to ask her husband why his brother’s feelings are more important than hers and all the work she has done. DH is getting a ‘F’ grade in standing with and supporting his Spouse.

Wow, thank you for the awards.

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u/TheRealCarpeFelis 1d ago

Oh, he should definitely be the one to do it, but since he seems to have zero spine, if OP decides she’s had enough of this nonsense and says something herself I wouldn’t fault her for it.

Hell, if I’d been OP, as soon as BIL announced that he booked it I would not have been able to resist calling him on it right then and there.

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u/CrossFitMathIsHard 1d ago

Well, yeah, but that ship has sailed. I would have opened my mouth SO fast at that dinner table.

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u/BigRedJeeper 1d ago

I immediately would have been “Excuse me, you didn’t pay us anything and told us you couldn’t afford it. So we purchased it on our own. Now I’m REALLY confused. Are you saying that you ARE going to split the cost with us now?”

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u/Entire-Flower1259 9h ago

Or something similar.

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u/FrequentSale1655 1d ago

So would I! Seriously!!!

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u/physhgyrl 1d ago

That's what OP should have done. She needs to just tell her inlaws now

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u/FarLaugh9911 1d ago

Me too. I prefer to deal with BS like this right when it rears it's ugly head.

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u/sunshineinthe813 1d ago

I stopped my BIL in his tracks at a family dinner when he showed his ass towards me - like he was somebody. I snapped my finger and pointed in his face. Barked at him to shut it or I will do it for him. I’m the eldest sister and you won’t disrespect me.
My dumb sister’s eyes popped open and said no one had ever done that to him before. She was embarrassed because they play the “he’s the man of family” even though he’s so financially stupid

Douche canoe BIL is still a broke bitch 30 years later. We just retired. I win.

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u/ResilientEnough 12h ago

I really do love the phrase “douche canoe.” It almost sounds french. It trips off the tongue so nicely. I need to add it to my lexicon of insults.

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u/NookieNinjas 1d ago

Saying he has zero spine is a little harsh I think. Family dynamics are weird. Maybe his brother has always been the favorite or something. The husband should stand up for himself and it is week of him to not do so. But he’s no Ed Sheeran.

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u/imBobear 20h ago

Weak of him not to do so = ZERO SPINE

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u/princezznemeziz 21h ago

Zero spine.

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u/THOUGHTCOPS 7h ago

Like you, ZERO FUCKING SPINE!

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u/Mysterious-Art8838 22h ago

Really wouldn’t have been that hard in the moment. ‘You booked one too?? Oh dear we will cancel ours.’

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u/janabanana67 1d ago

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is a husband problem not a BIL problem.

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u/redheadedhomegirl 1d ago

The bil knew his brother wouldn't call him out for lying. That's why he did it.

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u/BurgerThyme 1d ago

Yeah Husband sounds like a wimp.

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u/GiaStonks 1d ago

Or...he's seen this movie before and it was more important to him that his parents enjoy their happiness instead of instant anxiety. He SHOULD have addressed with the brother privately, after.

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u/Current_Confusion443 1d ago

Yes, no one at the dinner table wanted to hear differently. OP was right for not saying anything at the time. It wouldn't have come off well.

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u/Impossible_Ad_5073 1d ago

Are husband and bil brothers?

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u/wordsmythy 1d ago edited 1d ago

I don’t think he’s really worried about BIL’s feelings, but it would be upsetting to his father to learn that his son lied about the whole thing. And then OP’s husband looks like a snitch.

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u/Honey-Ra 1d ago

And it's shitty that the snitch gets treated worse than the liar. I don't understand why this happens.

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u/PookieDood 1d ago

This wouldn't be snitching. If a third, non paying sibling told the in-laws, that could be snitching. This is calling the asshole brother on his bullshit.

He is lying. He knows he's lying. You could tell him to tell the FIL himself or you are going to do it. Give him the chance first.

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u/Current_Confusion443 1d ago

Why? Why let him control the narrative twice?

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u/PookieDood 1d ago

I said they could. Especially if they are trying to protect the in-laws feelings. Letting him do it and not saying anything at that moment changes things. However, I would have burned the fucker right there and then. Then again, my brothers wouldn't try to pull this shit.

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u/IndividualCarrot9035 1d ago

I think it is his parent’s feelings that hubby is concerned about. The parents know that BIL does not have his stuff together and were super surprised and relieved to find out he had made this very mature and generous gesture. To be told that he is lying would be upsetting and disappointing for his parents as they think he has finally gotten his stuff together. I would bet that hubby is protecting his parents feelings. That is a mess.

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u/Dense-Respond27 1d ago

Sometimes it’s up to us to protect the ones we love from those who hurt them the most. I don’t think this is one of these OP hubby is spineless because the hubby is really the one getting shafted most by his own family. Let OP be the one to approach FIL and MIL or the group chat if she feels like it!

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u/WhatistheBuzz 1d ago

Do it together. He has already shown he'll let it slide.

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u/Current_Confusion443 1d ago

Why cant she do it? He's not going to!

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u/SnooGiraffes4137 1d ago

He SHOULD be the one to do it, but it doesn't sound like he will.

PLEASE UPDATE!

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u/AdMurky1021 13h ago

Eh, there aee tumes like this you step up for your partner. Besides, she's the one who actually booked it.

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u/LizziestLiz 4h ago

Clearly DH has been suffering through this with his brother for YEARS. He doesn’t know how to stand up for his own family. Poor schmuck

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u/unrepentantsoul 1d ago

This. Husband is welcome to confront sister & BIL over 1/2 the bill or to request reimbursement in full. Cancellation is the fallback. He should have spoken immediately. The BIL is the person who needs to be embarrassed over this mess. NTA.

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u/Sterlinghawk16 1d ago

Tell the parents first then immediately say what happened in the group chat. Be prepared to attach the paperwork that shows you paid and give a copy to your parents

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u/FrostingHuman1259 1d ago

I think she can do it in a way that makes it seem like she didn't know.This is gonna go badly for her.They're gonna think she's showing off or something.I know how families like this work

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u/Justacrazylady59 1d ago

Yeah but BIL already "showed off" with a lie, so....

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u/FrostingHuman1259 12h ago

But bil is the golden child?So like Trump, his lies are okay, she will be judged on a different standard That's how these families work

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u/Justacrazylady59 11h ago

Perhaps. But it doesn’t mean she has to play along. She just needs to hold firm on the fall out. When you refuse to play the game, sometimes the game ends or changes.

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u/FrostingHuman1259 11h ago

I hundred percent agree , but I don't think the direct approach is necessarily the best one i'm gonna use Trump again being direct and honest with him does not work.He has to be handled glazed placated, humored, and I'm guessing they need to be handled in a similar way

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u/Justacrazylady59 10h ago

Trump is awful; his family is awful and perhaps this is a similar situation....BIL isn't Trump. Not all family dynamics are the same....let OP take him on in an ever-so-sweet-misunderstanding way. If this family is as bad as Trump's, OP should run away, screaming for all to beware. As have done numerous ex-wives and fiances of the aforementioned family ;-).

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u/FrostingHuman1259 8h ago

I am in no way saying this family is as bad as Trump's.I am simply saying that people that are difficult and manipulative can't always be dealt with in a direct manner that families normally do there are plenty of families with members that have to be dealt with a little more delicately , because you can't just be direct with them , because they're probably how this bil is( difficult and manipulative , so not a hundred percent honest generally) the reason you need to do it this way is because the parents don't see it and will just think that you are being unfair to the golden bil and everything gets worse

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u/rtoole11 22h ago

I agree with this.

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u/HalfVast59 1d ago

I'd focus on not hurting her husband:

"FIL/MIL, listen, I don't want to start anything, but Darling Husband is hurt, because we're the ones who booked this, BIL was going to split the cost but couldn't swing it, and now DH is trying to keep the peace at the cost of his own feelings. I don't know why BIL said he'd split the cost, since he obviously knew he couldn't afford it, and I don't know why he's saying he did this when he didn't, but please - give DH credit for what he's done - both booking the rental and not calling out BIL in public."

And then contact SIL: "just between us girls, your husband is taking credit for something we've done - in case you weren't aware - and it is seriously not OK. It's up to you whether you get him to fess up publicly or you wait for me to call him out just as publicly."

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u/Current_Confusion443 1d ago

What? Is there a SIL? If there is, why is it HER responsibility? Like, huh?

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u/HalfVast59 1d ago

It's not her responsibility, but it's always worth utilizing allies.

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u/NookieNinjas 1d ago

I like this and I actually think this is the best way to handle it. There’s no being sneaky or manipulative. But it’s also a little indirect with the wives doing it.

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u/No_Positive8576 7h ago

This is the way - 100%

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u/blueberey312 1d ago

This is the way ⬆️

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u/Kay89leigh 1d ago

I tried this and it backfired on me. My loved one didn’t know what I expected them to do with my hurt, so they just got mad at me.

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u/Signal_Reflection297 1d ago

I’m sorry this was the reaction you got for trying to share and process your very valid feelings in a healthy way. You deserved better, internet stranger.

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u/Hippiechick0104 1d ago

More than likely AGAIN!!

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u/dplans455 1d ago

If OP does it herself her husband's entire family is going to end up hating her. It won't matter that the BIL is an asshole and OP is in the right. They won't see it that way. OP needs to tell her husband to put his big boy pants on and deal with his jackass brother.

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u/Lumpy_Ear2441 1d ago

👏👏👏👏👏

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u/Suitable-Tear-6179 1d ago

that's on him. and if its the typical golden child scenario, He'll still come out smelling like a rose. Even though we know hes nothing but the fertilizer.

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u/Loud_Dig_5157 1d ago

That’s what I would like to know. IF BIL is the golden child… it’s no use. 🤷🏼‍♀️

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u/Swimming-Abies-8859 3h ago

Hera thought, let the inlaws enjoy their anniversary and then deal with bil. Why hurt them?

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u/CrossFitMathIsHard 3h ago

Fair point. Though, I feel like it will be difficult for OP and husband to put on a happy face during the trip, so it may not be so enjoyable. Really, I agree with others that OP's husband should have spoken up in the moment (rather than have strangers debating it on the internet).