IF my wife sent me an unsolicited text message during the work day to tell me she loved me, appreciated me, or thought I was attractive, it would be my most productive day that month, maybe even a year!

This has never happened to me. Even though I do it for her at least monthly. Communication efforts to resolve have been extensive and have failed.

But you can do it! Tell them you love them, they're sexy, you miss them. It'll work magic.

Long story short, I had some unexpected finances come up that my husband helped me cover from our family pot. Immediately after, he said I had to pay him back. Ftr he makes triple what I make but I still contribute 80% of my income to our family pot, and 10% to my student debt. That leaves me 10% for myself. Currently, that other 10% that I have, is going to paying him back.

There has never been a time in our marriage when I havent contributed at least 2k a month except for 2 months after the birth of our son. Meanwhile, my financial contributions have helped him pay off a 100k debt, and now it is helping us save up for a house we will be buying next spring with a 20% down-payment.

When I brought up that I dont think this financial arrangement is fair and I don't like the idea of "owing him money", he said, "So do you just expect me to pay for everything?"

Currently feeling really undervalued for both my financial contributions, as well as all of my domestic labor.

What should I do?

Edit: I make 90k a year and will continue to make more since I have a unionized job and am only at 80% capacity. Im not a brokie

My husbands 20 year class reunion is happening soon, and he’s been planning on going all year.
When he first heard about it, he started planning which car he’ll drive, where he’ll stay, etc., details not involving the family. I asked if he wanted us (me and our 2 kids) to go too, and he said in a kind of annoyed/ bothered tone “do you want to go?”, and I told him I would be excited to go if he wanted me to go.

He then mentioned all the ways it wouldn’t work. He wants to drive his nice sports car, so me and the kids would have to drive separate or fly, who would watch the kids, we’d just be cooped up in the hotel or airbnb, etc.,

Meanwhile in my head there are very easy ways around these obstacles.

One, we can take the family car.
Two, his mom lives an hour away from where the reunion is and would absolutely volunteer to come and watch the kids for us. I actually think she had already mentioned that.
And that’s about it. Problem solved.

I confess I am actually pretty hurt by this, because I thought it was a common thing to want to “show off” your life at your reunion, and maybe your pretty wife/LIFE COMPANION would be the most important thing 🤷🏼‍♀️ you can show people pictures of your sports car once you’re there.

I shouldn’t be surprised as we have had a lot of marital issues the last few years, but I guess it just confirms a lot of things I was already feeling.

Am I being dramatic, or is this normal?

I’ve surprised him for his birthday plenty of times before but it’s never been this big of a surprise and I just don’t know how I’m going to keep it to myself for the next 19 days!

It’s his first motorcycle, he’s always wanted one but I put the kibosh on it for years and have only recently come around to the idea after a long gradual process of letting go of my fears and accepting that not only is he the best driver I know, he was also incredibly safe driving on his Vespa scooter, which was the compromise we came to a few years back. He’s going to be 49 this year and after 25 years of putting up with me, he deserves to be happy!

I got him the exact make and model he’s been watching YouTube videos about for months and even the color he was looking at longingly as he scrolled through their inventory. I know it’s the one he wants but would never ask for.

Money is tight right now with him back in school, but I’ve been saving up slowly but surely. I was going to wait until his birthday to buy it but they only had one left in stock in his preferred model and color and I had the funds ready so I took the plunge and bought it this morning! They will keep it at the dealership until I take him there on his birthday. They are even going to put a big bow on it for him!

I can’t tell our daughter, she’s even worse than I am at keeping secrets! How do I go home and act natural like I didn’t just buy a freaking motorcycle for him!? 😅

Would’ve done it sooner but had to wait on SCOTUS! 🥂

For a little context, me and my wife have been married for four years. We've had a good relationship overall, but we have had some rough patches. She's a great person, but she does get angry a lot, and that stems from her family issues and stuff. She does scream at me and get a little aggressive at times, but I've never minded it,because there has never really been a proper physical altercations from her side.

Yesterday, we were getting late for her friend's wedding because she was doing her makeup and then she didn’t like it, so she redid it. I just said, "You're gonna get us late," and before leaving, she kept blaming me, even though I only took ten minutes to get ready and my wife took an extra hour. She started shouting at me, so I told her to get in the car. When we got in, she kept blaming me, so I got a little loud and said, "It’s literally your fault, you took an hour to get ready."

She slapped me on my face and showed no hint of regret and the worst part is our driver was sitting at the front and it was extremely fucking akward. I just sat there in shock, unable to say anything. When we reached the venue, she told me to get out,to go to the venue but i called an uber and left. I went to a restaurant to sit alone. She texted me, calling me overdramatic and telling me to "be a man." I know I’m a man, but I can't help but feel hurt, i have always ignored her behaviour bcs I understand she has gone through a lot of trauma but this is too much for me.

How do I make her understand that she is at fault here and she shouldn't have slapped me? I have no clue on how to get past this...

Well, basically what the title says. So husband’s priority was always his friends and doing things alone and having his own individuality. Awesome, right? Except no effort in romance or the relationship whatsoever. I was always chasing him. Until I decided to start my own life without him, at first I tried to find the spaces where he was already doing something else, then it hit me I was just accommodating to him, and started just going around with my new hobbies and stuff.

Now we absolutely don’t have a marriage and things are probably ending soon, for a lot of other reasons too, but this one hurts so much.

ETA: 8 years together, 34M and 37F, blessed that I didn’t have children with a man who didn’t have empathy or consideration towards me

ETA2: I didn’t do this on a first instance for gods sake. I communicated my needs for years on end, we went to therapy, and ultimately there were so many other instances where I was verbally insulted and threatened with divorce over small things. I loved this man with all my heart and I don’t want to love another man again. Thanks.

ETA3: he recently said to my he doesn’t even want to spend time with me, and is unsure whether he wants to fix this or not, then left on Saturday at 11am and returned at 1am.

I'm 32f and he's 36m been together 10 years married for 5. Have 2 kids one is 4 and the other is 11 months.

At the beginning he was very attentive, thoughtful, and was extremely easy to work with and be a team. In the last 2 years that has completely changed. He went from being that to not doing a ton around the house and not putting a lot of effort into our relationship. I feel very taken for granted. I’m not asking for expensive gifts or big plans. I just want to feel like he thinks about me and wants to do something nice for me sometimes (like bringing home my favorite drink, picking up a takeout meal I like, remembering my birthday or our anniversary, or putting a little thought into making a day feel special) Valentine's Day and anniversaries aren't acknowledged anymore. He didn't get me anything for Christmas and forgot my birthday the last few years. He would sometimes scramble last minute after I said something but he'd get so frustrated it was terrible, or you could clearly tell there was no planning (like place was closed or no reservations, no childcare planned) All I like for my birthday is going to watch a hockey game and have a couple beers at a restaurant or something. I will do these things for him and plan and take him to a place he likes.

I did everyone's Christmas stocking this year and got him a Fitbit and he didn't do anything, and said after he was too busy with work (I just didn't think it was hard to order online, especially since I'd just had our baby a month prior). He does work full time and I do as well. We work the same hours, I make more money and kids are in daycare. A lot of the time he's honestly just sucks to be around he's grumpy and snappy and just horrible to be around. I do the majority of the home chores, especially with the kids. He'll clean things up but the majority is me, he'll typically relax when he gets home.

Even sex.. I'll try to initiate and he ignores me, is "playing his game and will be right there" (and won't come for an hour) like there's no interest. And if I finally say something... then he'll try and it just feels forced out of obligation and I'm not into it. Essentially I'm losing all feelings I feel like I have a roommate. And I love sex, it feels terrible and makes me feel rejected. And when we do have sex, let's say he doesn't put in much effort.

I've considered leaving, but splitting up the kids home along when they love their dad, plus the financial impacts would be devastating. I also would likely owe support because I make more despite me doing 90% of the parenting/household stuff.

I guess I just find myself craving a man who actually wants to be with me, makes an effort, physically wants to be intimate and makes an effort when we do.

I just don't know what to do or how to go about this... I just want to feel I'm worth making an effort for.

Edit*** for those saying talk to him. I've talked to him more times than I can count. It will MAYBE change for a day or two and go right back to how it's been. And it sucks begging for intimacy and effort in my own marriage

I’m 41F, and my husband and I have been together for almost 19 years. We have two young children, and he’s genuinely my best friend. I love him deeply.

Lately, I’ve been struggling with jealousy toward our female neighbor.

She has a very attractive body. My husband and I were both very fit when we met, (we still are but less “trimmed”) and I know he appreciates a nice body. I can’t help thinking she’s exactly his physical type.
She knocks on our door at least twice a week for playdates, and the kids always end up playing at our house, never hers. She also tends to overstay her welcome, even when we hint that it’s time for dinner or family routines. Sometimes we have to be very direct to get her to leave.

The more she comes around, the more my mind starts creating scenarios where my husband eventually develops feelings for her and leaves me.

My husband knows how uncomfortable she makes me. Initially, when I tried to explain my feelings, he got angry, called me crazy, and said it was my problem to fix. I agree that my jealousy and anxiety are my responsibility to work on, but I felt hurt by his reaction and wished he’d shown some understanding.

After several discussions, he eventually acknowledged my feelings and offered some validation, which I appreciated. I just wish it hadn’t taken so long.

He still believes there’s nothing wrong with her coming over regularly and that I should learn to control my reactions and get professional help.

We’ve had some periods of emotional disconnection since having children, but things have been improving lately. We’re reconnecting, being intimate again, and I’m also working on rebuilding my confidence after pregnancy.

I realize that my biggest fear isn’t really her attractiveness. It’s losing my husband and the family we’ve built.

I’d love some honest perspectives:
Husbands: Can you find another woman very attractive, even your physical type, without it affecting your feelings for your wife?
Wives: Have you experienced jealousy when your husband hasn’t actually done anything wrong? What helped?
Both: Is it reasonable to expect my husband to be more understanding and supportive, even if my jealousy is ultimately my responsibility? Would you establish firmer boundaries with the neighbor?
Thank you for reading my long post.

I was never like this when I was younger. I was actually completely opposite and had very low sex drive. My loving husband is 49. He is very kind and the best. He had high sex drive when he was younger but now I guess lowered a little due to his age? Sex once every few days are probably his ideal but I want sex everyday multiple times a day. Honestly I cannot believe myself but I want sex 3-4 times a day if I can. I am soo horny all the time. I see other man and fantasise about them. I have thought of wanting to try have sex with other guys but……in reality, I really don’t want to go down that road…. Oh my god… I am going insane.

I found out my husband cheated on me two days ago. I’m at a loss but I had a gut feeling already. I am 3 months pp and have a 2 yr old. He was in a long term relationship with the girl for 3 months. Make the math. I’ve never been so hurt in my life and I truly never saw this coming. I don’t know what to do my brain tells me to leave but it’s so hard to leave a long term relationship just like that. Having so many memories together and it all just goes down the drain. Do you think it’s salvageable? I honestly do want to save this but right now I just can’t seem to get my emotions in check. Please give me advice I truly need it right now

Girls, I need some genuine advice from married women, especially those whose husbands are naturally a little reserved when it comes to expressing their feelings.
My husband and I have been together for almost 5 years, and we’re about to celebrate our first wedding anniversary. I know he loves me. He cares about me, makes me feel secure in many ways, and I know there’s attraction and desire between us. Our chemistry and intimate life are great, so I don’t think that’s the issue.
But sometimes I wish he would express his love a little more openly.
Like, randomly telling me I look beautiful without me having to ask. Holding my hand when we’re sitting together, pulling me into a hug out of nowhere, initiating affection, telling me he misses me, or occasionally posting a cute picture of us or making me his phone wallpaper. Just those little things that make you feel like your man is genuinely smitten with you.
The thing is, I’m usually the one initiating these little romantic moments. I want to feel pursued sometimes, too. I want him to look at me and make me feel how much he desires me, without me always having to ask for it.
I sometimes wonder if he’s the kind of person who feels deeply but holds himself back from expressing it because he thinks being too romantic or openly affectionate somehow makes a man look less masculine or too emotionally dependent. I could be wrong, though.
I’m not looking to change his personality or turn him into someone he’s not. I just want us to have more of those little moments where the love is expressed, not just understood.
Advicer request:- So, married women, what actually helped your husbands become more openly affectionate, romantic, and expressive? Did you communicate your needs differently? Did something change naturally over time? Or is this simply something you have to accept as a difference in personality?
And for those of you whose husbands are absolutely crazy about you and aren’t afraid to show it, what does that dynamic look like in your relationship?
I’m looking for real experiences and advice, not manipulation or games. I just want to understand how to build that kind of mutual, effortless romance. ❤️

Majority of whom are escorts. I’m really struggling right now because I filed for divorce because I know he’s cheating but he’s adamantly denying he cheated, begging me to dismiss it, and making many promises. I love him and hope he can confess and show remorse but there’s none of that because he swears on his life that he never cheated. But the hotel visit + the pictures are proof enough. What would you do? Also the mind-blowing part is he has severe ED and is a workaholic so never in a million years could I have imagined he was into this… He seems to treat me well and truly love me but I have no idea the kind of man he is who would look at these kind of women when I’m not around. To everyone, he is extremely charming and successful so I’d look like the fool for leaving him. He honestly hid it so well which is why my world turned upside down after I found out. Even now I wonder if he really did it but those pics bring me back to reality. If it were you, would pictures alone be enough reason for you to leave?

My husband and I are going through the process of ending our marriage. We’ve been together for years, and it’s honestly hard to imagine life without him. This is someone I’ve spent practically every day with, built a life with, bought a house with, and genuinely believed I would grow old with.
I think the hardest part is realizing that the future I pictured for us isn’t going to happen. We share so much together, from our home and finances to everyday routines and memories. It’s not as simple as just breaking up and never seeing each other again.
Even though I know things haven’t been working between us, it doesn’t make it hurt any less. I’m so used to having him around, and I don’t even know what life looks like without him.
For those who have gone through a divorce or ended a long-term relationship with someone you truly thought was your person, how did you move on? How did you adjust to being alone after spending almost every day together? Does it ever stop feeling like you’re losing not only a person, but the entire future you planned together?

My husband and I have been married for 3 years, together for 6. We have a toddler. 2 years ago, I found out that he was in an emotional affair with a coworker. He ended it, but we struggled with the trickle truth. He was also doing some other problematic things with TikTok, etc. However, he quit and I would say "sober" from those addictions. I loved him through those hard days, anyway.

We were in couples therapy for about 1.5 years. He was never much of an active participant, but I give him credit for continuing to go. Things vastly improved and I felt happy in our marriage. Our last few months were great! Then 2 weeks ago, he suddenly said that he was unhappy, then packed and left 2 days later.

I'm devastated, feeling as though I was trying so hard and thought things were better. The only reason he will give is that things were too negative for him. Every day, I told him how much I love him and how handsome I think he is (even though that sounds crazy). I do everything I can for him. I try so hard to be a good wife. I cook, clean, and do everything for our daughter. I work and make more money than him, so I pay all of the bills. He hates mowing the grass, so I hired someone to do it. He hates car stuff, so I take care of the car, etc.

I had one last session with our therapist, and he stated that my husband struggles with accountability and could never even take accountability for the emotional affair, let alone all of the other things. I can own my part and say that it was really hard, but I forgave him and tried not to bring it up unless there was something directly triggering. Maybe that was too hard for him?

I know marriage doesn't work on a score board, but I felt I was doing my part. Is there any hope to save our marriage? Has anyone experienced anything like this?

Edited to add: He also seemed much happier in the last few months. We celebrated our anniversary and then my birthday, even buying me extravagant gifts. He seemed truly happy. Even a couple of weeks ago, he was buying me flowers, but still suddenly left. I don't know what I did wrong.

I'm not even sure what I'm looking for here, I just need a place to vent. If someone happens to have a magic ball with all the answers, it would be much appreciated.

Me (31F) have been together with my husband (34M) for 9 years, married for 2. I'm currently pregnant with our second child, one we are both excited about.

We are both bisexual, and prior to getting together, have both explored relationships with the same sex. We have agreed to be monogamous, but spoken many times that if either one of us feels a desire to be with the same sex again, it can be brought up for discussion. Now onto the issue: Five weeks ago, on a Friday, my husband told me he wanted to go to a karaoke bar to sing by himself. He's done this once before, as he really enjoys singing and none of our friend group really do. I was hesitant to let him go, maybe due to pregnancy hormones I got super scared something bad might happen, he might cheat or maybe find someone else to fall in love with. He comforted me and at one point chuckled, saying "why would I throw away everything I have:" I was still kind of iffy about letting him go, but didn't want to seem overbearing, so as our eldest was at sleep-over, I came up with a plan to have a self care evening, light candles and watch a nice movie.

So off he goes, we text while he's there, and even though he sometimes takes abt 20 minutes to answer, it's not uncommon for him. At around 2am he tells me he is thinking about what to sing next and mentions a few options. I tell him I'm running a fever, he says he loves me. Then for the next two hours, none of his messages go through. I'm of course worried, and text him a few times.

Then about 4:30 he messages me and says he's walking to our new house where he was supposed to stay over, and he has no idea why none of his messages went through, must be something with his phone subscription. I'm very worried and pissed and we argue a little. I go to sleep, I guess he sleeps as well and in the morning he sends me a lot of messages saying he's sorry, it really was his phone, he loves me and is very sorry he worried me and understands why I'm upset. He also says he didn't have a nice time, it was a little boring, and tells me he wants to be with me, he doesn't want to lose me and just generally all these super nice things.

Everything is okay, I go pick him and our child up and we go out to dinner. In the evening, I don't know why or what made me suspicious for no reason, but we have a completely open phone policy, and while usually we don't check up on each other, but for some reason I get this idea to check his Google Timeline, which shows he left the bar around 2 am, went by car to a random address, stayed there for two hours and walked to the new house.

I confront him immediately, I ask him what's in the address, and he asks for his phone, stares for the address for a bit and just says "nothing happened". I can see the panic in him, and I feel like I want to throw up. Initially he says he met a guy, went to his apartment to drink some more and left. When I asked if they kissed, he said yes, but nothing more. When I ask him again, this turns into him going to the guys apartment, kissing and starting to give him a blowjob, then panicking and leaving. This is the version I have for a few hours, when he panics and cries, I am completely frozen in emotion. I am in total shock, it's like my worst nightmare came true. While he was saying he's thinking of what to sing next, he was actually already in a taxi. When he told me loved me he was at the guys apartment.

Finally, hours later, he says okay, and gives me what I think is the whole truth. He tells me they actually took their clothes off downstairs, went down on each other on the couch, and then continued upstairs to the bedroom. They kept going down on each other, some extreme foreplay and eventually my husband came in the man's mouth - all unprotected. He told me didn't want the whole truth to be true, and was in full panic mode. The reason for this, according to him, was that the homosexual feelings had started to emerge back some months ago, and he had tried to suppress them as best he could because he resented having those thoughts. He didn't want to tell me because he just simply wanted them to go away. So when the man approached him in the bar, it was purely physical, he had absolutely no emotion or felt nothing except sex appeal to the man. He also told me as soon as he came, he panicked and left, telling the man he can't do this. The man tried to give his phone number, but he didn't write it down. He also gave the man a fake name. I asked him if he would've told me, he said yes, latest when we would've moved to having sex, as he couldn't have let me touch him while pregnant without knowing if he caught a disease.

Obviously I was shocked, repulsed, anxious..... every possible emotion you can think of. He slept on the couch, I cried myself to sleep in our bedroom. The next day he told me he regrets everything he did, realises he has royally screwed up and is willing to do anything to make me forgive him. He booked an appointment with two therapists for us, one "normal" and one who specialises in sex therapy.

Unfortunately the timing wasn't great for this, as two days later his mother came to stay with us for a week since we were moving. He told his mother what he had done, so it wouldn't be awkward for me to fake being okay at any point. Obviously, his mother was terrified and disgusted but said she wishes we can work things out. In therapy, we had decided to move together to the new house, as we had sold our one. The move itself went okay, and he went back to sleeping on the sofa.

We have since had a lot of very difficult conversations. He has relayed every single minute, every single thing they said to each other, every action, every act to me by my request. I wanted to know everything, because I couldn't bear the fact that there was still something that was hidden from me. He has also taken every single emotion - anger, hate, devastation, sorrow and dealt with them well. He keeps saying he never stopped loving me, he never wanted to leave or destroy anything, he just wanted to experience being with a man. He hadn't planned it out, hadn't sought the man's attention and was not at all interested in ever seeing the man again. I actually made my husband find the man online to see what they looked like (because I was terrified of running into him somewhere with my family), and he did, but cried and vomited out of panic at the same time. He says he feels so awful it's become like a trauma to him, and I can visibly see him getting anxious every time we talk about this. Still he does, because he understands I need to.

He has also taken more responsibilities at home, even though he was a fantastic father and spouse before, but has now stepped up even more. He also has an alarm twice a day, where he will remember to talk about his feelings, especially the hard ones, to me.

In addition, he says he no longer feels any sort of homosexual feelings. Instead, when asked about it in therapy, he has said he identifies as a heterosexual, something our therapist says is possible. Apparently the experience being so awful (not only because of his guilt, but also because according to him it just wasn't good), it might've shifted his entire way of thinking, although the therapist says this doesn't really matter, either he is or isn't.

On the surface now, we are okay. We talk a lot more, about more difficult things as well. We have weekly therapy sessions, we are focusing on raising our child and he is with me at every prenatal appointment. He has moved back in to our bedroom, and reads me bedtime stories every night I ask. He also tells me reasons he loves me, is sensitive to all my moods and continues being consistent in his story of what happened and why.

But here's the issue. I worry I'm still in shock, and can't process what has actually happened. I worry I will continue our marriage, stay with him and then at some point start regretting it. I worry I will waste my life being paranoid, even though a small voice inside me says he hasn't cheated before, and due to his reaction now is unlikely to cheat again. I was always one of those people who adamantly said cheating is a huge deal-breaker for me, and no one with the ability to cheat in a relationship is salvageable, and instead should be frowned upon for their despicable actions.

I can't believe he became such a cliché, cheating on me while I'm pregnant. In addition all his actions surrounding the whole night, the way he lied while he was there, just....everything. I want to hate him and tell him to bag his bags, but I can't help loving him at the same time, and seeing how much of an effort he is making. What's really scary is that sometimes I feel completely normal, and feel I can be at ease of him straying. Other times I'm disgusted again.

Is there any way of working forward from this? Will I regret staying, am I just wasting my time?

Hi, this is my first ever post so I will do my best to be as descriptive as well as concise with my situation.

I’ve been married to my husband (43M) for 3 years, together for 7.5 years. We have one child together and I have another child from a previous relationship. There is a small age gap, I’m 32F. We have similar interests, share the same long-term goals, have the same parenting beliefs, both enjoy travel, eating good food, spending quality time together, etc which is why we got married (duh.)

He is very close to 2 friends from his college years. His one friend’s wife is incredibly social- was a sorority girl. They all went to the same college. With that being said, we see his friends + all of HER college friends several times a year. We all have young kids so birthday parties, cookouts, Friendsgiving etc.

There has been multiple occasions where the girls, hubby’s friend’s wife’s friends, cross some boundaries in conversations I find incredibly inappropriate. Not outwardly flirty, but bringing up old memories including past relationships.

I’ve tried talking with my husband about it and even if he doesn’t mean to brush me off, that’s how it feels. It’s always “so and so isn’t the brightest, she’s always been kind of air-headed.” Though that may be true, I think she’s aware of what’s she’s doing and could literally talk about anything else.

Another friend, who is married with kids, has a past with husband and has outright told me about it. She even told me a story about how she had a key to his apartment at one time.

My husband does not go out of his way to converse with any of these women. He’s very reserved and only speaks to them when he’s spoken to. I do think he tries to avoid conflict at all costs since these are people we see often whether we like it or not, so it may be uncomfortable for him to say, “you talk about this every time i see you.”

I’m just at a loss for how to handle any of these interactions… with class. When I was younger, I would have been confrontational because don’t play in my face. Now, as a mother and more mature woman, I choose my words carefully and I observe body language.

-How should I handle the “air-headed” friend who has never been with my husband, but constantly brings up his old flings in front of me? Makes it a point to say she’s still friends with them but she likes me more for him…

-How should I handle the one who has been with my husband? Right now, I say hi and keep the talking to a minimum.

-How should I squash this with my husband? I want to be heard and I want him to call them out when it happens again, in a tactful but meaningful manner. TIA <3

Im not sure how to help my marriage.

My husband and i have been together a total of 13 years. Married for 3 and have a 10 month old.

When we were dating he mentioned he wanted to do an ironman in Hawaii because his father did it. Mind you this was the 80s and he was single in his early 20s and anyone could sign up and go. Now you have to compete and qualify to be able to go to Hawaii.

After we got married my husband decided to start pursuing this dream. I was all for it until i realized how much time and money this costs. He has done 5 ironman races now and is no where close to qualifying for Hawaii and he is now in his mis 30s and a father.

I have sacrificed my body, sleep, and hobbies to be with my baby all day and night and keep our house in order while he keeps training but I am so sick of this. He is beating his body up and barely finishing these races because he is throwing up and falling over and miserable for days after. I am worried about his health and I tell him i cannot support this hobby of his if it’s ruining his body. It causes fights constantly and i cannot take it anymore.

Very often I am eating and my husband is still cooking his meal (he doesn’t like the same things as me and I get up at 4:50am and don’t get home from work until 5:30pm but he works from home and gets up at 830am and gets off work at 5pm) and while he is cooking if my mouth is full or if I don’t respond fast enough he will continue to repeat what he’s saying until I respond. Tonight he was scrolling his phone while I was in the kitchen and I asked him something several times until he responded. He responded by screaming at me that he’s looking at his phone. We had a good day so it hurt my feelings so I told him he hurt my feelings, he told me no he didn’t scream at me and then he canceled our plans tomorrow night with my brother that I was looking forward to. So then I described what he does when I’m not listening and that I don’t scream at him because I know it would hurt his feelings. So he brought up other things like if I’m in the middle of a text message and he keeps bothering me that I tell him to hold on. That’s not the same. I don’t scream at him like he did me. I asked him why can’t he just apologize for hurting my feelings instead of turning it into an argument. He said he’s not going to apologize because he did nothing wrong. He still thinks he’s right and I’m wrong. Am I wrong?

I’ve noticed a recurring pattern with my husband, and I’m trying to understand whether there’s a psychological explanation for his behavior. We have been together for 7 years and married for 4.

Whenever I express that something he did hurt me, or I criticize him in any way, it’s like a switch flips in him. He becomes extremely defensive, angry, dismissive, and sometimes downright mean.

Instead of acknowledging what I’m trying to communicate, he focuses on my emotional reaction. If I’m crying, frustrated, or struggling to explain myself, suddenly THAT becomes the problem rather than whatever originally hurt me. I will add that I can get really emotionally flooded, I get louder when I’m venting and crying but I let him know I am not trying to yell but I’m very emotional. But then he keeps pointing it out as I’m venting then I get frustrated and start yelling.

He will interrupt me, shut me down, bring up things I’ve done in the past, threaten to leave, or tell me I’m the problem. I feel like I’m constantly defending my emotions instead of ever getting to discuss the original issue. And not to just blame him solely- because I have had similar behavior in the past, but really have worked to no longer do this type of behavior.

I’ve also noticed that he seems to justify his own reactions by saying he’s frustrated, but when I’m frustrated or emotional, I’m expected to immediately regulate myself. He just tells me to stop or go to sleep. And I start to get more dysregulated.

When arguments escalate, he wants space and will repeatedly walk away. I struggle with this because I have a strong fear of abandonment and desperately want reassurance and connection. I recognize that I sometimes pursue him when he’s asking for space, and I know that’s something I need to work on. But I want to add that he walks away as I’m talking/emotionally flooded. So over the years, that’s probably why I have a strong fear of abandonment and my emotions have only gotten bigger 😣 especially after our second kid.

But what confuses me is that I’m often begging for the argument to stop. I’ll repeatedly tell him that I don’t want to fight, that I want us to be teammates, and that I just want to feel loved and reassured. Obviously I’m saying this to him very emotional but even if he insults me, I tell him I don’t wanna fight, I want him to listen to me, or for us to figure out these problems together.

Yet the more emotional I become, the angrier and more dismissive he seems to get. I’ve had multiple situations though where I came in calm and genuinely tried to talk to him about my concerns and it still escalated somehow, and I told him at this point it doesn’t matter if I’m gentle or yelling. It’s the same outcome.

I feel like I have to be extremely careful about how I express hurt or disappointment because he perceives it as an attack. He has told me recently that “I just have to learn this is who you are” he describes me as an angry reactive person to people or our therapist… when I’m not… the reactions are in response to something or multiple things. I don’t just start at 100.

I’m exhausted from feeling like every attempt to communicate my feelings turns into an argument about what’s wrong with me.

I begged him to get tested for ADHD and he finally did… during the consult, the provider was suspecting it, but when he did the puzzle test, he passed so they didn’t diagnose him. (He’s very good at puzzles)

I’m not trying to diagnose him. I’m trying to understand why expressing that someone hurt me seems to trigger such an extreme reaction, and whether this dynamic can realistically change.

Sorry long post

I'm not really looking for advice. I just need somewhere to share what I've been going through and get some of this off my chest.

My wife and I have been married for a few years. We don't have children. I love her tremendously, and despite everything that's happened, I still want to spend my life with her. A little while ago, I discovered that my wife had been having an emotional and sexual affair with a man she met through an online game. They started as friends, but over several months, their relationship became romantic and sexual. They exchanged explicit pictures, masturbation videos, sexual audio messages, and engaged in sexual activities online, including using a remotely controlled sex toy. They also told each other they loved each other. This man knew she was married. He knew I existed, and he willingly participated in the affair anyway.

One of the things that hurts the most is that she crossed sexual boundaries with him that she had never crossed with anyone before, including me. My wife has always had a personal boundary about showing her face in sexually explicit pictures or videos. It was something she had never been comfortable doing, even with me, her husband. But with this man, someone she had only known online for a few months and had never met in person, she crossed that boundary. She sent him explicit pictures and videos of herself masturbating with her face visible.

Another boundary she's always had with me is deleting sexual pictures or videos after sending them. Even when she sends me something intimate, she usually deletes it from our conversations afterward. But with him, she left those pictures and videos in their Discord conversations. I understand that she's entitled to her boundaries. I'm not saying she owes me anything sexual. But knowing she willingly crossed boundaries she had maintained even with me, for another man, is incredibly painful. It makes me feel like she gave him a level of trust, vulnerability, and intimacy that she had never been willing to share with me.

And the betrayal wasn't just sexual. She shared so much of our personal lives with him. She talked about our marriage, our problems, and our arguments. She even recorded private arguments between us and sent them to him. She shared pictures from our dates and adventures together. Moments that I thought were special memories between my wife and me were being shared with the man she was having an affair with. She sent him pictures of our family, including our young nephew. She also shared pictures of me cuddling with her and some of my most vulnerable moments. It hurts knowing that a complete stranger was given access to so many private parts of my life without my knowledge or consent.

My wife has admitted that she genuinely loved him. Even after their relationship ended, she expressed that she still cares about him and wants him to be happy, even if he isn't with her. She says she ended their relationship and cut contact. I have actually seen that she blocked him on Discord, which gives me some reassurance. As far as I know, they haven't spoken in a couple of months, but I still have fears and doubts.

Something else I should mention is that I actually found out who this man is. My wife refused to tell me his identity, but I eventually figured it out myself. I know his name, what he does for a living, where he lives, and quite a bit about him. I have absolutely no intention of contacting him, confronting him, or interfering with his life. I don't want anything to do with him. I just needed to know for myself. I needed to put a face and an identity to the person who had been involved in something that caused so much pain in my marriage.

Honestly, after finding out who he was, I felt even more confused. I'm not some incredibly handsome guy, and I'm not trying to sound arrogant, but I genuinely believe I'm more physically attractive than him. Even looking at our lives on paper, I feel like I have more going for me in several areas. I know relationships and attraction aren't competitions, and I understand that affairs aren't necessarily about finding someone better. But emotionally, it's difficult to understand what she saw in him that led her to risk our marriage. I don't hate this man, but I certainly don't respect the decisions he made. He knowingly participated in an affair with a married woman. I also know that my wife is the one who made vows to me. Ultimately, she is responsible for her decisions.

Another thing that bothers me is how much of the affair has remained hidden from other people. My wife has told some of her friends about the affair, but she hasn't told them the actual details or the full extent of what happened. They don't know everything that was exchanged, the sexual activities, the explicit videos, the emotional attachment, or how much of our private marriage was shared with him. I'm not saying she needs to tell everyone every intimate detail. I understand that some things should remain private. But sometimes it feels incredibly lonely knowing the full extent of what happened while the people around her only know a small part of the story.

Recently, I also discovered information suggesting that the sexual relationship may have lasted significantly longer than she originally told me. What I thought lasted six weeks to two months may have actually been closer to three or four months. I don't know for certain, but that possibility has been devastating. I keep thinking back to the memories we made during that time. The dates, celebrations, trips, and ordinary moments when I thought we were happy together. Now those memories are mixed with the knowledge that she may have already been sexually involved with another man.

Our marriage wasn't perfect before the affair, but there were problems I didn't even know existed. For example, last year my wife started counting how many days it had been since we last had sex. We both understood that sexual intimacy was important in our marriage. But what I didn't know was that keeping track of those days was putting more pressure on her. Over time, that pressure contributed to her sometimes dreading sex. I didn't know she was feeling this way because she never communicated it to me. I genuinely wish she had. I never wanted intimacy to become something she dreaded or felt obligated to do. I wanted it to be something we both enjoyed. If she had told me what was happening, I would have wanted us to work through it together.

I'm not claiming to be a perfect husband. I've made mistakes throughout our marriage, and there are things I can improve. But I also can't address problems that I don't know exist. My wife has since expressed that she was unhappy and felt emotionally disconnected. She also felt that she could be vulnerable with this man in ways she didn't feel comfortable being with me. Hearing that hurts, especially knowing she was sharing her feelings, struggles, and vulnerabilities with another man while I was largely unaware of how much she was struggling. I wish we had been able to work through those things together before our marriage reached this point.

And now, even after the affair has ended, my wife doesn't know whether she wants to stay married. She has told me she loves me, but she doesn't know whether she can love me the way I want to be loved. She's mentioned separation and divorce multiple times. She says she needs space, time, and freedom from the pressure of constantly discussing our relationship. We're currently attending couples therapy, and I'm trying to respect those needs.

There have actually been some good moments between us. We still laugh together, spend time together, play games, cuddle, and occasionally have sex. She has said she's comfortable with me being loving and affectionate as long as I don't turn every moment into another conversation about saving our marriage. I'm trying to learn how to do that. I'm trying to be patient, consistent, understanding, and loving without making her feel pressured to make a decision. But honestly, it's incredibly difficult. Some days I feel hopeful. Other days I'm overwhelmed by the betrayal, the uncertainty, and the fear that I'm going to lose the person I love most.

Sometimes I feel like I'm spending so much time trying to understand her feelings and respect her need for space that my own pain is getting pushed aside. I'm trying to heal from the fact that my wife fell in love with another man, engaged in sexual activities with him, shared intimate parts of herself that she had never shared with me, and exposed private moments of our marriage to him. And at the same time, I'm trying to give her enough space to figure out whether she even wants to remain married to me.

The hardest part is that I still love her. I love her intelligence, her personality, her humor, her passions, and everything that makes her who she is. I still enjoy spending time with her. I still love making her laugh, doing little things for her, and showing her how much she means to me. I want to grow old with her. I want to experience the good, the bad, and everything in between. I want to be there to witness her life and have her witness mine.

I'm willing to forgive her. I'm willing to work through our problems, rebuild trust, and create something better than what we had before. But I also understand that I can't rebuild our marriage alone. I know relationships are complicated, and I know my wife has experienced pain and unhappiness too. But I also know that I didn't deserve to be betrayed. I didn't deserve to have our private lives shared with another man. I didn't deserve to have my trust broken or to discover that the person I loved had developed an intimate relationship behind my back.

It's incredibly painful to love someone so deeply, want a future with them so badly, and still not know whether they want that same future with you. Right now, I'm just trying to take things one day at a time. I still have hope for our marriage. I still believe there's something worth saving. But I'm also trying to figure out how to heal from something that has completely changed the way I see my marriage, my memories, and the person I thought I knew better than anyone.

Context: Husband (33M) decided to go a career switch, currently an apprentice. Gets paid to work, however the 2 months in school, does not get paid. Needs to save for the upcoming classes in May, about $5000. Husband makes $2500 when not in school

Im a nurse (33F), and main breadwinner.

So last month I found out my husband loaned 4K of our emergency funds without telling me to a friend. He also loaned out another 600 dollars to another friend. We were working through that issue.

Then 2 days ago, after a really shitty exhausting work day, I go to his parents place as they are leaving to go back home for 5-6 months. He tells me he is going to give them 500 dollars each. His dad left last month, he also gave 500 dollars then to him, but then he came back. I asked him how he was going to afford this, and also the money he needs to save for his classes, and the vacation he wants to go on. He says he will manage and skip on our vacation and use the vacation money he has saved up to give to his parents.

I was very very upset because a. Crap work day and b. He was cancelling our vacation - for which I didn’t go on a vacation with my friends cause I had a vacation with him.

I am happy to pay more cause I make more but financially security is the most important thing to me. I’ve seen my parents go through shit for giving money to people and never having enough themselves. It’s traumatic. I hate how I’m the one saving and he just blows our money away.

I had a talk with him. He said I knew about his career change before we got married. He said he didn’t want the house (we are homeowners) and he was happy living in an apartment or at his parents house. The only reason he got the house was for me. I told him he also knew about my dreams of having a home and starting a family. And when we were looking to purchase a home, I was suggesting a condo, but him and his family were saying to get a detached house which comes to $400 more a month. He calls me stingy - and in some areas I am trying to improve but giving away huge amounts of money, or using AC everynight and ramping up the gas bill is a lot. He also said he is unhappy.

I just don’t get why he can’t just stop giving away money to people while we are tight on finances. We have 60K (all my contribution) in savings but half that was for when I go on Mat leave, then the rest for emergency fund. So it’s really not much at all.

I’m also concerned if we have a baby, he will say I didn’t want the baby, I only did it because of you.

In a rough spot and wanted to see other perspectives or opinions. Have therapy session scheduled but it’s 2 weeks from now :(.

My (42F) husband (39M) of 19 years has spent a good amount of time out partying with friends throughout the years. He will take breaks periodically and swear he is going to do better being at home, helping run the house, spend time with our kids, etc. Then it slowly goes back to the same old shit. The past several months he had been going to the bar at least 2-3 times per week. In July, I told him (once again) I was not ok with my husband spending so much time at the bar; mind you some of these days he wouldn't even tell me - he would just go after work and after a couple hours waiting for him, I would look at life360 and find out. I told him this was not acceptable to me; and thought I finally got through. Then comes this past Friday, he texts and says he is popping by the bar to talk to B (male bartender) and will be home after a couple beers - 6 hours later he comes stumbling in *after driving home* and goes to bed. Saturday I had to work a couple hours, and he and our 16 year old went and did some errands. I had messaged him that morning that I wanted to talk to him. I get home from work, and he is "napping" on the couch 🙄 after a few hours he gets up for a bit, basically avoids me the whole time, then goes to bed. Sunday morning I send him a heartfelt text when he was sleeping (12:30pm), before I leave to clean an office. I thought we would finally be able to talk when I got home. Instead, he abruptly leaves the house, without a word to anyone (myself or our 16 and 20 year olds); and you guessed it!!! - goes to the bar! 😮 I was livid!! I did crash out over text a bit (sent 20 🖕 emoji back to back). He got home and our kids were pissed at him (we share a life360 group); which he tried to blame on me "talking bad about him to them". Monday, he gets home from work (6:40pm)and is drinking seltzers and listening to music while playing a game in the living room. Around 9, my oldest son, who has to work in the morning is trying to go to bed. He started texting me and asking if I could get his dad to turn the music down. I suggested things to try to block the sound a bit in his room, but said I would try. I first, sent a text to my husband asking him to turn the bass down a bit, as it travels really well. After 15 minutes of the music seemingly getting louder, I walked into the living room and said "hey, could you please turn that down a little bit? It is really loud to all of us". He replies "uh, yeah, when I'm done I will". I said "please just have some respect for the rest of your family sharing this space". He said no. At the time, my 20 year old comes down the stairs asking why his dad is being such an ass. They begin arguing and shoving, and my new coffee table gets smashed by my son being pushed into it. Our 16 year old comes in from off the porch and is also yelling at his dad for "not giving a F\*\*\* about us". Finally my husband just goes to bed; and I clean up the mess in the living room - spilt beer/seltzer, broken parts of the table, etc. Both boys had calmed down and went to bed as well. Next up, we have Tuesday- we all get a life360 notification that husband/dad is at the bar. He stays from 6p-10p, gets home and goes to bed. Today, Wednesday, he was supposed to pick our 16 year old for boxing at 4:30pm (he planned on leaving work early, as the gym is 30 mins away). At 4:17pm he texts me saying he can't get ahold of our son; I tell him that's strange because he is at the house, but I also haven't seen him go outside at all (ring cameras). I told him to let me know what's up when he got there, as I was finishing up my job and had a 25 minute drive home. When I get almost home (5:20pm), midly panicked because we have had some mental health issues with our son, I get a text from my husband saying he spoke with 16 year old "just a minute ago, and he had just woken up". I got home at 5:30, and all was well with my son. I got some dinner around, and then my 20 year old got home (he works the same place hubby does). We were chatting and then at 6:35pm get a life360 notification that Dad just arrived at the bar!!! It is now 9:20pm, the kids ate and we played Jenga a few times. They are off playing video games/ watching TV, and I am fucking steaming!!! I just want this asshole to leave our lives until he gets his shit together. Trying to find a place for myself, my 2 boys, and my 20 year old's pregnant girlfriend is so hard! I don't know what to do; I feel trapped. He said he would leave, but he has proven to be a liar so who knows if that will actually happen