Please clap for me because I’m actually really proud of myself lol. I’ve been talking to a guy for the last few weeks. We met on Raya dating app, moved to WhatsApp pretty quickly, and from the beginning there was a LOT of chemistry. I genuinely liked talking to him. He was funny, affectionate, attractive, we had things in common, and conversation was easy. But almost immediately something in the back of my mind kept saying this is moving too fast, and I kept trying to talk myself out of it. I had a gut feeling of something.
Within literally hours of talking, he was already calling me things like “amor” and “preciosa,” talking about how well we would fit together, imagining us cuddling in bed watching Netflix, saying how much he wanted to see me, etc. At first I thought okay, maybe he’s just affectionate. Maybe this is just his personality. We’re both Spanish speakers, pet names aren’t exactly unusual, and we clearly liked each other. But then it just kept escalating. We hadn’t even met in person yet and somehow the dynamic already felt like we were halfway into a relationship. There were constant “mi amor” messages, talking about sleeping together, showering together, going running together, going to football matches together, going to the beach, cuddling, future plans, all of it. At one point he even said something along the lines of, “The day you see me as a father, you’re going to fall in love with me.” (He’s a father of two young boys.)
Here’s where my gut really started getting louder. Alongside all of this affection, I started noticing a lot of insecurity and reassurance-seeking. For example, I would tell him he was handsome if he sent a selfie of him with his boys or at the beach, etc. and instead of just accepting the compliment, he would basically respond that I was lying or say things like, “because you don’t like me.” Which then put me in this weird position where I had to convince him that yes, I did actually like him. He also asked pretty early on whether I had met anyone else from the dating app.
Again, we hadn’t even met each other yet. I told him very clearly that I wasn’t talking to anyone else and that I’m not someone who likes juggling multiple people at once. I prefer getting to know one person without distractions. That should have been enough. But I started feeling like I was constantly being put into little situations where I needed to reassure him that I liked him, that I was attracted to him, that I wasn’t talking to other men, etc. And THAT was when I started getting the ick.
This week, we were finally supposed to meet. He was coming to Madrid and I very clearly understood that he was coming because we were finally going to see each other. I literally asked him, “So you are coming to see me today?” and his answer was yes. We talked about when he would arrive. I rearranged parts of my day. I was excited. We talked about potentially going to watch the Real Madrid match together. I even offered for him to stay with me.
Then there was an issue with football tickets. Long story short, it started sounding like he might come all the way to Madrid (he lives 2.5 hours away by train) go to the match alone, and somehow we might only see each other briefly around that. I told him that felt weird to me because my understanding was that the entire reason he was making the trip was because we were finally going to meet. I said the situation felt like a red flag. Was “red flag” probably stronger wording than necessary? Sure. I can own that. BUT my actual concern was really simple if you are traveling here specifically because we have been talking for weeks and are finally supposed to meet, why does seeing me suddenly feel secondary?
Instead of reassuring me or explaining calmly, he became incredibly defensive. It went from “I understand you” to basically “make your own plans then,” “we’re not going to see each other,” “you think I just want to see you for a couple hours to fuck you,” “you’re very wrong,” and then something along the lines of “you don’t know the kind of man you’re talking to, trust me.” Suddenly it was “before this goes any further, it’s better if we don’t meet.” I remember sitting there thinking wtf just happened? I raised one concern. I didn’t insult him. I didn’t accuse him of anything. I didn’t tell him he was a horrible person. I said something didn’t make sense to me, and suddenly the entire connection was being thrown off a cliff.
Then approximately two hours later, he was messaging me again asking where I was and whether we were meeting. So the dramatic “we’re never seeing each other” moment apparently evaporated. That was probably the moment my gut officially became louder than the chemistry because I realized this wasn’t just “a guy who really likes me.” There was a push-pull thing happening. Everything is amazing, then something makes him feel rejected, then there’s a dramatic emotional reaction, then I reassure or explain, then everything is fine again. Once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it. The whole saying of “when a man shows you his true colors, believe him” completely made sense.
Later that day there was apparently a family situation and he needed to leave Madrid. I have absolutely no reason to believe that wasn’t legitimate, so that is NOT what bothered me. What stood out was that almost immediately he told me something like, “I already know you’re never going to want to speak to me again.” I hadn’t said anything remotely like that. I wasn’t angry. I was literally being understanding. And once again I found myself saying “Don’t say that, of course I understand, I hope everything is okay.” Reassuring him….again…
That’s when I finally started looking at the entire pattern instead of each individual moment. Because every single thing on its own could be explained away. Maybe he’s just affectionate. Maybe he really likes me. Maybe he’s insecure because he’s been hurt before. Maybe the football situation was miscommunication. Maybe I worded something badly. Maybe he was stressed. Maybe maybe maybe maybe…. Idk!
And this is where I’m proud of myself 🥹 I stopped asking whether every individual red flag could technically have an innocent explanation and started asking whether I actually wanted the overall dynamic. And the answer is NO!!!
I don’t need him to be secretly evil. I don’t need to prove that he intentionally love bombed me. I don’t need a diagnosis for him. I don’t need a courtroom-level case proving that something terrible would eventually happen. I just know that for something that hasn’t even properly started yet, it already feels way too emotionally complicated. There has been an enormous amount of intimacy (not in the sexual way), reassurance-seeking, imagined relationship stuff, jealousy-adjacent questions, emotional highs and lows, and confusion. And again, WE HAVE NOT EVEN HAD A FIRST DATE.
That sentence is honestly what snapped me back into reality. If I am already analyzing someone’s behavior this deeply before we’ve even sat across from each other over a drink, I probably have my answer. Old me would have absolutely given it another chance. I would have told myself I was overthinking. I would have focused on how sweet he could be. I would have convinced myself that the chemistry was rare and therefore worth navigating the complications. I probably would have waited until something much more obvious happened so I could feel “justified” in cutting things off. But I’m realizing I don’t actually need something catastrophic to happen before I’m allowed to walk away. My intuition saying “I don’t like how this feels” is enough.
So today I ending it. No dramatic confrontation just a simple message just to tell him that I liked getting to know him, but the dynamic became too intense too quickly and ultimately left me with more doubts than peace. I think we handle certain things very differently, and I’d rather listen to what I’m feeling now than force something that doesn’t feel right.
So yes, please clap for me girls because apparently the biggest plot twist of my dating life is FINALLY at 40 and after divorce learning that I don’t have to wait until a red flag becomes a house fire before I’m allowed to end things.
Oh as for the meal, sushi take out!
