I’m finally doing well in life and yet I’m still miserable

[u/Supmeg_]

To start I (33F) am a late diagnosed autistic with ADHD. I was a high school drop out, a heavy substance user and I’m survivor of both DV and SA. But my saving grace was a solid support system and I pushed through. I managed to find a niche industry that doesn’t require education and climbed the corporate ladder, and I now make over $100k a year. Which I am so proud of myself for. I also am in recovery for substance use, (for ❄️). Also side note did you know ADHDers have a higher risk of abusing uppers because of the lack dopamine in their brain?? Anyways, I am also an advocate where I support other survivors of DV who are newer along in their journey (I left my abuser 10 years ago and he went to jail 🎉). I still do struggle with independence, managing my finances and basic skills as I still live with my parents. Which is crazy because at work I’m a superstar and then I go home and can’t even clean my room. I don’t drive and my dad drives me to work everyday. Which to some might be humiliating that their dad still drives them to work in their 30s but I’m disabled so it is what it is I guess. As you can tell, I have a solid family life, a small group of super close friends, who we all discovered were neurodivergent in some capacity later in life. It’s funny how we just naturally find each other. I’m also in therapy and take medications for both my ADHD and anxiety. But I’m like still not happy?? Like what is wrong with me. I have a solid life and overcame so much, I should be on top of the world. I guess maybe my living situation gets to me, as i want to be independent but I JUST CAN’T and I don’t know why. What is wrong with me. Why cant i just be happy??? And also why is it so hard for me to get a damn license and live on my own??? Sorry i don’t really know where I’m going with this. I also feel really guilty that I don’t think my parents retirement plan involved still doing their adult daughter’s laundry. I really hit the jackpot with how great my family is and I feel like I don’t deserve them. My parents have never made me feel like a burden. That's the worst part. The guilt is entirely coming from me. They've given me so much, and I desperately want to reach a point where I can give something back instead of always being the one who needs help. Anyways, I don’t really know where I’m going with this lol. I guess I just needed to get it all out. Like I’m genuinely so proud of myself and everything I’ve overcome, and I know how lucky I am to have the life and support system that I do. But why am I still so unhappy??? And why can I manage an entire team of people but can’t manage to do my own laundry??? Like make it make sense. I don’t even know what I’m looking for by posting this. Maybe someone can relate or maybe I just needed to scream into the void lol. Anyways, thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

[u/Fuzzy-Position-6433]

In a lot of cultures, it is completely normal and even expected for families to live communally. My husband has a friend from Bangladesh who lives in America now and he shares a home with his wife and children, his brother and his wife, and their parents. They always have company and people to help with the kids. I think it’s kind of cool.

If I were not married, I would definitely want to live with roommates or family because I just don’t like being alone.

I wouldn’t be so hard on yourself. You are doing great.

[u/CalmAvocado1823]

I'm sorry you're stuck in this emotional pit. I can relate, sort of. My situation is pretty different from yours but we're the same age and have the same diagnoses. The reason you can manage a whole team but not so your laundry is because laundry sucks, work doesn't (or you're using anxiety to force you to function in front of others which let me tell you will come to bite you eventually), and you have adhd. If it's not fun or interesting, your brain is going to get real creative to get out of doing it. I can literally fall asleep if I'm forced to physically remain in one spot with something boring. I cannot use this to my advantage which is why I'm here at 1am. It gets better when you learn more about which strategies work for you. Timers and gameification really help! Guilt doesn't though, and it will also affect your wellbeing otherwise. Try to be kind to yourself, you're doing your best already!

Adhd and autism also come with this fun characteristic where your skill levels are really uneven. Like you're above average with one thing and below with another. Or way above with one and just average with another. Or both, with different things! "UnEvEn sKiLL proFiLE~" is a running joke in my household whenever either of us struggles with something that wouldn't be a problem for a ""normal"" person with our other skill levels.

Also, side note to your side note: did you know that people who have well-working medication for their adhd are statistically much less likely to have/relapse into addiction problems? And not just less than people with unmedicated adhd, less likely than everyone else.

[u/Lothloreen]

Hey, overcoming an addiction is truly the hardest thing a human can do. I know from experience. Nothing i have achieved in my life in terms of education ow work compares. And you did it while also dealing with other life challenges.

It sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself because your life doesn’t match this image of a successful person in their 30s you have in your head. So you live with your parents? That’s fine! So do many people, by necessity, cultural tradition, or preference. The idea that everyone needs to live in a separate little box is a very recent invention of western society. There are other life skills you’d like to work on - keeping organized and managing your own day-to-day life. That’s fine too! You know what you want to ultimately accomplish. Now work towards it the same way you worked towards recovery: day by day. Set little goals for yourself. You don’t have to learn to drive and solve all your issues right this minute. Slow progress is progress.

As far as “happiness” goes, I don’t know what your standards are or what you mean by not being happy. If it’s depression, that’s a hard one and requires attention and work. If it’s a feeling of not being where you want to be in life, well you are moving in that direction. Sometimes happiness doesn’t look like wild joy, it looks like quiet and peaceful contentment. Like being proud you helped people at work, finished your email list, did a load of laundry…or just enjoyed a cup of tea. I’m recovered from addiction (no longer saying in recovery) and sometimes I feel so blessed just to be able to wake up sober, eat some oatmeal without vomiting, fulfill my responsibilities at work without forgetting them, and relax at home with a movie. It’s enough. May periods of joy come in their turn.

[u/Ok_Second8665]

My adult daughter lives with me for similar reasons and she makes it equal (although I would never think of it that way, more like we both contribute) by listening to me with an open heart, making me laugh, sometimes spontaneously making dinner or dessert, and always being super expressive with her gratitude. I’m sure you look for ways to serve them.