Every time I post about my relationship I feel like such an alien. The feedback is always that Iām doing it wrong, that I need lots of therapy (which I have). Do people really have such strict scripts they adhere to regarding romantic relationships?
For context I am 35 and have never done this before. Iāve always been an avid dater and had fun. None of my friends or family engage in romantic relationships so I donāt have that as a working model of what they look like. They donāt even know Iām mixed up in this.
So I come online to learn and, man. People ask if I ālikeā my boyfriend, they respond so strangely when I speak about getting dumped in the future. They say my therapist is bad and wrong after finding out I am getting the therapy they think I need lol. Also not sure what my therapist is supposed to do about me not having experienced something.
People tell me I should be single. I was single for 34 years of my life and when I was dating people said I was doing it wrong if I wasnāt getting into a relationship. Now I am in the relationship and itās still wrong.
Some say, āwho cares what people think as long as it works for you!ā But Iāve never done this before. I have no metric of success or what works.
EDIT: my bff is in a relationship but because we do not talk about dating she literally never mentions this person. I do not know his name. She knows Iām not really into boyfriend talk so I have never met him. She does not consider him to be the most important part of her life like some people do with their relationships.
No Iām with her, how is possible that nobody in your life is in a relationship? You donāt have married aunts and uncles or parents or friends or coworkers? As an adult?
Why do people think you don't like your boyfriend?
I do not know
Why would you not want to meet your BFFS partner of almost 7 years?
I donāt meet anyoneās boyfriends, husbands, girlfriends, wives.Ā
Why wouldn't you want to introduce your BFF and BF?
I havenāt even considered this. She is not aware of the situation.Ā
Why say you don't know anyone in relationships when you say your BFF has been dating someone since 2020?
I know so little about it that I donāt consider it and I have never met him
Do you not talk to friends and family about their lives? Are all your relationships just surface level?
I do talk to them about their lives. The people I surround myself with do not consider a relationship their life. Especially one they are not inĀ
If you're a real person and your communication skills are as weak IRL as they are in person, then it's understandable why people think you hate your boyfriend. You're giving zero details and then accusing online folks of "responding strangely" when you're the one waving marinara flags in all our faces.
Whoever created this bot absolutely sucks and has clearly never been in a relationship, productive or otherwise.
Ok fine, you've never been in a relationship before. That's not what I'm making a point about. What I AM making a point about is that you've told us zero about your boyfriend other than "people" say you hate him. WHY is that? Are you capable of providing ANY insight about your relationship? Because if you did, you might get some feedback about it, which is the entire point of this subreddit.
Lmao. Well I mean it seems like you have your way of going about your relationship, I donāt see why youāre fixating on it. If it works for you then keep on keeping on. Donāt post about it just live your life.
I didnāt meet them so I cannot speak to their relationship statuses! And nope not that I am aware of. Just like how my friends arenāt aware of my dating lifeĀ
lol my bff is coming to visit next weekend for Halloween and I have to go MIA on my bf. I think my bff has been dating the same guy since 2020 but we donāt talk about our dating lives.Ā
I think this post is bait. How do you not know your bffās relationship status? They arenāt your bff then if you donāt know the most important intimate person in their life.
You have never met anyone in a relationship. Do you not have parents? Or aunts and uncles? Or any family at all? Or friends with parents? Like just stop
Not even that itās like do you care about your friend at all ?? Caring about someone includes knowing and remembering things and people who are important to them like ā¦ their partner lmfao
God yes good point. Iām like flabbergasted that this person has reached 35 and justā¦ never talked about that? With any friends?? Were their parents and peers like grizzly bears or something?
My parents arenāt in relationships and neither are my aunts or uncles or family, neither is my sister. Who someone is dating isnāt important to me or my bff. Sheās never asked me about thisĀ
Sorry, I'm possibly understanding why people online are acting like you're "an alien".
It's cause you're being weird sis. You just made a whole post about how "none of your friends or family" have ever been in a relationship.
But now you're saying your BFF has been in a relationship for nearly 7 years, and you just never talk about it? And you are planning to keep your relationship from them?
Babe, just talk to the people in your life! You're feeling like an alien because you're acting like one.
When your BFF comes to visit, introduce them to your bf! And just stop going online for relationship advice and perspective, because anonymous strangers won't be as kind as you deserve.
Ummm yeah thatās not normal talking about your dating life is often a core component of a lot peopleās friendships. Frequently itās to the detriment of talking about other things.
There is definitely a balance but to never talk about a Significant Other with a BFF is also not normal
I donāt understand how you can designate someone your best friend, when you have such a surface level interest in her life and lack of knowledge about her. Why are you even trying to date, if ābeing single is the bestā?
Could you possibly understand that we are interested in things we have in common and dating was not one of them so that is not the subject we ever discussed?
I have many things in common with my friends. It is also very normal to mention all sorts of aspects of your life when discussing even random topics. Thatās how conversation works, itās not a script. I can understand having boundaries with coworkers, or sensitive topics like abuse, but this is so far beyond that. Intentionally closing off any discussion about partners your friends broach seems very rigid.
I am concerned you are more vulnerable than you realise, as you have such an odd idea about romantic relationships, and no context for whatās normal or not, but you have your therapist to discuss that with. Iām not sure what youāre looking for by posting? Do you want to talk about your dating life with us? You have a very unusual view on this, so yes, people will find that unusual.
This kind of tracks with people are saying things like, 'do you even like him?' because, to me, not asking your best friend about whether or not she's dating someone that's she's potentially been dating for SIX YEARS makes it seem like you have zero interest in her life and only talk about surface level stuff.
If it works for you and you're both happy that's great! But it's quite unusual to never talk about your personal life with someone you call your best friend, and it is equally weird to never ask her about it either. (and again, she might be totally on your level and everything is totally cool!)
Gotcha! We have never talked about dating and I have known her since 2010. She came with me to a funeral of a guy I was involved with a couple years ago and didnāt know we were involved because I didnāt tell her.Ā
Iāve kept people on the DL for a couple of months when itās like FWB or something undefined. At a point though. Idk. Itās kind of a weird set up for OP
I'm so confused as to why this seems to be such a cagey topic. It's fine if it's just you don't want to talk about it because it doesn't come up that makes sense, but idk aren't you like....curious about your friends lives? You don't care to know their partner of seven years? Are they not curious about you and who you're dating? This is very bizarre
I am curious about her life! She doesnāt consider a man her life or mine. She has never asked me questions about my dating life and we have been together as BFFs since 2010
Yeah but like, if I was dating someone for six years, like your bff, I would probably include that partner in any of my end of the world plans. Or mention that I saw a movie with them. Or that I did a nice make-up look for a date night. Like it's pretty organic.
Well it's nice of her to accommodate you; I don't think most people in serious relationships would want to pretend they don't have a partner like that.
First and foremost, I REALLY don't think Reddit, or the internet for that matter, is the place to come to for relationship advice.
We only have the context of what you post. There's no way for us to see the nuance and the truth of the situation by the small window you give. So salt is needed. I recommend journaling. Writing things out helps me process situations better and I often answer my own questions.
And just because your support system apparently doesn't have any romantic past to draw from doesn't mean that you can't use them as a soundboard. They might surprise you.
Sometimes you just have to be the boyfriend girl. It's your first relationship. It's normal to want to talk about it and get some guidance.
We, the internet, don't know anything about you. Your loved ones do. What they have to say should, almost always, outweigh whatever tf strangers on the internet have to say.
To try to answer the one question in your OP, yes. Most people in relationships adhere to the "strict rule" of not being ashamed or afraid to tell their loved ones that they're...in a relationship. Lmao.
You're so worried about how you'll seem to other people that you won't even respect and honor your "boyfriend" enough to be with him in public. I feel so sorry for him. He deserves better.
I thought context made it obvious that the "public" at issue is made of the people close to you. You don't get a cookie for taking him out amongst randos and strangers. I already think you don't like him - if you were hiding him in a closet at all times, I'd think you hate him.
That wasnāt obvious. I am not hiding him. I donāt bring my work laptop out to show off to my friends either lol. Iāve never met or discussed any of my friends relationships so it would not be appropriate for me to do so. You have to know your audience, ya know? Not everything is for everyoneĀ
Can I suggest there might be a thread here of limiting how close or vulnerable you get with people, that might be part of what people are reacting to when they ask if you like your boyfriend? I totally get not wanting to be That Girl, but it sounds like this relationship is important to you and the people who love you want to know about things that are important to you. It also sounds like you focus a lot on the negatives of your relationship in your posts or on a potential negative end to the relationship, which might also be a way of preventing getting closer with your partner.
TL;DR maybe itās not the guy, but something about holding yourself apart from the people around you
Well, maybe they would be interested to learn! It seems like you are making some assumptions, conscious or not, about whether your friends would enjoy hearing about this facet of your life. Personally I love hearing about new things in my friendsā lives, even if theyāre not my interests. Sharing might get you out of your own head about it a little.
Can I ask why? Does it feel too soon, or too intimate, or something else? Personally I feel like it would be difficult to compartmentalize my life like that. I do have some friends who treat their romantic relationships that way, but they also donāt pursue very deep or longterm relationships.
Itās just not relevant. As per my edit my bff has been dating a guy since 2020 and Iāve never met him, donāt know his name, couldnāt pick him out of a lineup of one! So it would be strange for me to bring this into the equation. Thatās okay. Not every thing is for every person in your lifeĀ
I'm trying to understand how one even can date while not having enough connection to anyone you know to know if they have ever been in a relationship or not, but still having them in your business enough to question your relationships. Do you ever ask anyone questions about their life?
Yes you do. Thatās why you post weird ass stuff every few days in this sub to get attention. Itās why youāre sitting at close to 30,000 comments in 10 months. Thatās nearly 100 comments a day. You need help.
I saw that you said in some of your replies that you've basically been dating and hooking up with people in the past 15 years (not judging btw). I wouldn't necessarily say that made you single in the time you were doing so. It's obviously not the same as having a long term relationship, but at least for me that counts as somewhere in-between single and taken. The twilight zone if you will.
Maybe expand your circle to have friends who have happy relationships. Leave the nacho bar and join some clubs where you will meet a different crowd. Get a therapist. And enjoy!
Thereās so much more going on here than what can be discussed in a post with such little information.
I also agree that Reddit isnāt where you should get advice to depend on. You mentioned youāve been in therapy. Have you focused in therapy about relationships? Youāve dated for 15 years but this is your first relationship? Dating is very different from intimate relationships. I would say finding a therapist where you can focus on this might help.
Another thing, you donāt talk about this stuff to those youāre close with? Thereās something else going on (not necessarily wrong, just something). Most of my friends are married or single forever. They still know about my dating life.
As mentioned in the post I am in therapy! And no I donāt talk to my friends about their dating lives. Iāve never been that friend that does that Iāve always shut it downĀ
No real context ā
Only responding to people who sympathize/agree with them ā
Pretending to not understand why their extremely outlandish claim (ānobody Iāve ever known in my 35 years has been in a relationshipā) is considered outlandish ā
Hopefully you got the attention you were looking for lol
I talk about how I think every time he texts me heās going to dump me. How Iām worried that heās only dating me bc Iām about to get a shit ton of plastic surgery. How I donāt understand that Iām supposed to believe weāre going to date forever.Ā
so you're 35, never been in a relationship until now, but you've always been an avid dater? so have you spent the last 15+ years just dating/hooking up with no commitment, and now you're in a relationship with someone for the first time? just trying to clarify.
People ask if I ālikeā my boyfriend, they respond so strangely when I speak about getting dumped in the future.
I think this is a pretty important point you need to elaborate on. presumably people are asking if you like your boyfriend because you've done/said things that suggest you don't, and people are always curious about other people's relationships. additionally it seems like while you're in this relationship now, you don't expect it to last, which is an unusual way to view a committed relationship, but isn't necessarily wrong.
either way, the truth is that it is a case of 'if it works for you then that's all you need to worry about' because honestly who gives a fuck. one of my best friend's romantic life is a car crash. she's having fun though so who am I to have any input if she doesn't ask?
If this post isnāt bait, Iād also like OP to elaborate more on that point. How do you respond when asked if you ālikeā your bf that makes them uncomfortable / look strange? What exactly are you saying? Do you recognize that your response may be seen as abnormal? Do you have trouble reading and responding to peopleās emotions in other non-romantic settings?
yeah, I don't think you're doing anything wrong. there is no 'right' way to do any of this stuff. dating isn't even a requirement for life. I don't do it, and people are always confused when I say I don't. they're always like, oh so you must be asexual? nope! just don't date. don't understand the concept and don't think it works or is conducive to a good romantic relationship. and if you want to date because you enjoy the concept and don't feel the need to get into a committed relationship, who is to say you're wrong?
people are always confused by unpartnered people, or people who don't see their partner as 'the one' because of this specific view of romance we have. like, I personally do not understand why you'd date people for 15+ years because I can't think of anything worse than dating, but I also can't think of anything worse than like, living in certain countries or having certain jobs. Doesn't mean I'm constantly questioning those people that do those things and making them feel bad because its nothing to do with me! girl you're fine, just keep enjoying yourself.
Whatever is going on here, based on the missing missing details and the extreme lack of context you seem to have for the lives of anyone close to you, I feel very certain that you are the problem.
It makes sense to want guidance when this is your first relationship. Maybe instead of focusing on whether youāre doing things āright,ā ask yourself a few questions: Do you genuinely enjoy spending time with him? Can you communicate openly and work through disagreements? Do you feel respected, supported, and comfortable being yourself? Are you both on the same page about what you want? Those are some practical ways to evaluate how a relationship is going. You donāt need to have everything figured out right away, and itās okay to learn through experience.
Edit: upon reading OPās responses to other comments in this thread, Iām not convinced this is an authentic post. I think this is possibly ragebait.
Are you happy with your life and your partner? Thats the metric for success. If youāre both happy then do it your way. There is no right or wrong way to have a relationship, itās about finding what will allow you and your partner to be happy in life and together thatās all.
People ask you if you like your boyfriend, as in like him as a human being, and you reply by saying what? If they're asking this question it might mean you're visibly acting like you don't like him and that is generally considered unhealthy š¤·š»āāļø
Yāall, this is fully rage bait. Googling the user brings up lots of posts just as strange/confusing/contradictory/rage-baity as this one. Donāt engage any further.
Consider that social media communities will select for people who arenāt employed, not out with friends, sad, bored, unstable, difficult to befriend, and possibly with mental illness or cognitive disabilities. Not that everyone is like that, just that if some one is like that, the chances that they will be responding a lot to threads like this is higher than for others, so theyāll be over represented in comments. Always good to keep that in mind when the negativity and āsmarter than youā becomes overwhelming.
Do you and your partner like the relationship you're in overall? Does it feel like, even if there are fights, things are overall worth it and you deeply care about each other? Then you're doing fine. Something I learned is that friends, family and strangers on the internet LOVE a bit of drama that isn't theirs and they'll always try to break you up if you go to them for advice.
Your relationship doesn't need to make sense to anyone outside of it. It only needs to make sense to the people inside of it.
about 50% of people on reddit are straight up insane, 75% are assholes, yes there's overlap. in subreddits concerning relationships (including this one) those numbers shoot up. i'd tune a lot of it out
I think the quality of the relationship is defined by you and your boyfriend. Listening to other people can really mess up your life.
I understand you when people act shocked you havenāt been in a relationship or donāt know people you have.
My DNA relatives have been in horrible marriages, but I havenāt been in a romantic relationship and Iām 28 with no kids and I donāt know friends who get married. People act absolutely shocked and concerned when I say that, but I think people have normalized just getting into relationships willy nilly throughout life that they canāt fathom someone who doesnāt.
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Yeah, I get it. I think we need to remind ourselves that a lot of the internet is actually bots, trolls, and children. Throw in all the stress right now with the recession, job market, and the inflamed political and gender wars. Basically, the only decent advice you're ever gonna get is from your actual therapist. At least that's someone who KNOWS you ffs like none of these people online.
Also like have you ever noticed that people on reddit can't read? They skip most of the post or they straight up do not understand it a lot of the time. It's just crazy how you can be trying to explain something and the person on the other end is actively invested in not understanding you.
The point you made at the end also made me think. How do we define a metric of success? What would that even look like for you?
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u/charm59801 Short Story Longā¢ļø 4h ago
No one you know has ever been in a romantic relationship?