Men are projecting when they accuse women of settling

[u/WiseCherry778]

I've had two long term relationships, and both ended because I wasn't what those men were physically attracted to. They were attracted to a different body type than mine, and knowing that after investing years in them has really affected how I see relationships. Maybe I should have paid more attention from the beginning. Looked at the women they followed, the porn they watched, the women they openly desired. Maybe I would have realized sooner that the kind of woman they were actually attracted to looked different from me. My body is pretty average, without particularly pronounced curves, and it hurts to think that I might have been someone they were willing to date despite not being what they really wanted physically. The thing is, I know I brought a lot to those relationships. I gave them love, loyalty, emotional support, companionship, and everything else that goes into building a life with someone. Yet I still ended up feeling like none of that could make up for not having the body type they preferred.

It's made me wonder how many men stay with women they're not fully attracted to because the relationship benefits them. They get sex, affection, domestic and emotional labor, and someone who cares about them. Why would they leave if they're comfortable? They can have their needs met while still fantasizing about or desiring women who look completely different from their partners. I made the mistake of looking on some reddit threads and ALL of them confirmed what I was suspecting: men are much more willing to settle if they get something out of which, first thing is sex and other things following suit. But somehow incels and redpillers whine about hypergamy in women and accuse women of settling with men they don't want. Riiight. I hate that I'm now inclined to look at a man's following list, porn habits, and the women he pays attention to just to figure out whether I'm actually his type. I don't want to spend a relationship competing with an ideal I'll never look like or wondering whether my partner is settling for me.

I want to believe that when a man chooses me, it's because he genuinely wants me, physically included, and not just because I'm a good partner who makes his life easier. After two experiences like this, though, it's hard not to feel cynical about the whole thing.

[u/T_forTommy]

[u/Icy-Basis-5144 → u/T_forTommy]

I'd love this more if that loser wasn't in the picture

[u/sososonia → u/T_forTommy]

don't forget sex labor!

[u/Tomas7655 → u/T_forTommy]

I heard this thing from a guy friend that most men has a type they would love to date and a type that they would like to f@ck. I was disgusted and understood that men are insecure af…

[u/Street_Condition7111]

My cousin gave me a stern reality check when it came to some men. He said “most guys know they can’t get someone who meets every expectation, so they go for whoever is 50% there and tolerable.”

It’s, in my opinion, a great example of emotional immaturity and insecurity. A lot of men have self confidence issues and don’t think they deserve better. There are plenty of men who understand their own worth, find the person they’re crazy for, and work it out. Don’t let insecure men make you feel every single one is just as insecure, it’s never about you

[u/pinkvelvetkissyx → u/Street_Condition7111]

People really underestimate how many adults refuse to learn how to be single, so they just settle and make their partner pay for it.

[u/damagazelle → u/pinkvelvetkissyx]

So true. Folks are always asking on my local boards, "why is it so hard to make friends as an adult?"

I hate to say it, but once my single friends become a part of a couple, I never see them on their own anymore. It makes me sad to see them invest everything into a potential partner when they have a very real friend for whom they no longer make time.

[u/Embarrassed-Fold6780 → u/Street_Condition7111]

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/UnderlightIll]

Seeing all the women around me settling for "at least he doesn't hit me and he pays the bills) made me sooo gun shy of men. I have never felt attractive, never thought I was but I also value my alone time a lot. I realized in my first serious relationship that the guy was nice but that isn't all a partner has to be.

My husband is different. We were good friends for over a decade and I saw him go through relationships with women -I- thought were more attractive than me. In the end, we chose one another because we are comfortable being alone but wanted one another.

Yesterday my husband told me something that didn't hit me right then but did that night. We were coming home from him having a cancer screening. We didn't have any results yet and were both in... Down spirits. He told me he loved me and appreciated me taking him and then said "I have burned the bridges of so many people I thought I cared for but never you. I was too scared of never speaking to you again".

I have been in a pretty bad depression for nigh a year. When I thought on what he said, it makes me know I am at least worthwhile to the one person I want to matter to.

[u/Greedy-Vacation-5617 → u/UnderlightIll]

This shook something in me. Thank you for commenting it.

[u/peppertones → u/UnderlightIll]

girl this is so sweet, I’ll cry 🥹 this is my ideal type of relationship, to feel so comfortable and at ease with each other, even on bad days or silent recharge days. to fully be yourself around with no judgment or ill emotions.

only one person has made me feel like that, he’s my ex but we’re still friends and spend time together. just a few days ago we saw a movie together. he was still thoughtful and sweet about my safety and well-being. never once has he made me feel like he expects a kiss or sex after we hang out. very much a gentleman still. if we ever get on that romantic path again, I’d be happy to live life with him.

[u/ProprioCode]

This is ultimately an attitude problem. Because when you truly love someone, you discover new beautiful things in them all the time, regardless of your level of attraction to them when you initially met.

You fall in love with a person, not a body.

Your value isn't wrapped up in what you could do for men. Please re-evaluate your relationship with ...relationships! Don't accept a man into your life until you have figured out who you are, what you value, and what the standard you will hold fast to in a potential partner. I don't mean superficial things, I mean their beliefs and values, how they view and treat others, what they spend their life pursuing and where they find meaning in it. All things you need to know about yourself before you invest in a partner.

[u/DizzyWalk9035 → u/ProprioCode]

A man not being attracted to you is actually a real issue, though.

I have a friend, real nice guy, let me add, and he was very vocal about not being attracted to his wife's body type even before they got married. Like literally told me that to my face. I did tell him off eventually because I couldn't stand the comments anymore since they were triggering me.

So the gist is this. He was getting to his mid 30s. He has always wanted a big family. Since I have known him (it's been almost a decade) he has always talked about having at least 4 kids.

Well, guess who agreed? Yeah, and he married her.

That brings me to the story of a woman on tiktok. Married 12 years. Two kids. Dude cheats. She was like why the fuck did you cheat and he said "I was never attracted to you." She was like then why the fuck did you marry me? "I knew you were a good person and would be a good mom."

The PSA of her video was to date people that were actually attracted to you because they treat you so much better.

Yeah the comments under her video were like "but see, that's love because he knew you were a good person," and weren't hearing her say "I am getting treated like a literal queen now."

So I guess it all depends on what you're looking for. If you just want kids, and the dude is solid, I'm sure you can make it work but other women do want a man fully in.

[u/ProprioCode → u/DizzyWalk9035]

No, that is absolutely not the main issue.

The level a man is attracted to you does not dictate his choices or his loyalty to you. I'm sorry for that woman that she married a shithead.

[u/Embarrassed-Fold6780 → u/ProprioCode]

[u/onegirlandhergoat]

I agree with everything you have said. Unfortunately I don't think it's a good idea to date men who watch porn and follow thirst traps on social media because it shows how willing they are to openly objectify women. His boner is more important to him than your feelings. I am aware that this rules out the vast majority of men but I am completely fine with being single. For me it is so much worse to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't really want me than to be single.

[u/AKIcegirl]

I actually think it is very common that men are willing to be in a relationship while waiting for their person to come along. One of the big tells… commitment and how they treat you. I guy who isn’t settling is sure about the relationship and makes his attraction clear. They also say they see the relationship going somewhere and they ask for a committed relationship and talk about where they see it going. The ones that drag their feet and never propose are the ones that settle.

[u/Beneficial-Side9439]

1000% they're the ones who love the I hate my wife jokes.

[u/EarlyInside45]

I've always known this to be the case, which is why I have never picked a man based on looks. Doesn't matter, even unattractive ones will let it slip, even when you are "out of their league." I'm glad I'm old now and no longer want a man.

[u/Ok-Topic-7339 → u/EarlyInside45]

wdym by let it slip? like they let it be known they aren't attracted?

i feel like regardless the hanfsome man usually picks someone on his own level its rare to see a hoy guy w a less atractive woman

and ugly guys gain a lot of ego once they are w a pretty womah

[u/Chiquitita888]

I'm honestly wondering why you even stayed with these men while they were openly desiring other women and following other women? Have they been doing this throughout the relationship? Any men who does this is not worth staying with, regardless whether you are 100% their type or not. 

The rest, with the settling, I see it too. Men do it way more often then women because many of them would basically take any women if she gave them sex. It's as simple as that.

[u/Drafting-]

Probably too many, I think a lot of men are chicken shits. You see it in dead bedrooms or relationship subs all the time, they’d rather stay for the emotional stuff and have sex somewhere else than talk to their partners or leave. 

You’ll find the best human one day, I’m manifesting it for you right now. If you don’t I’ll also manifest a really great single life ✨

[u/Sailor_Marzipan]

to be fair to men, I think it's an everyone problem. Read through every other post on here and you will find yourself a woman who has settled with someone she can identify a million issues with, and the best thing she can say is something bizarre like he picks up his clothes from the floor when asked, but she's afraid of starting over.

And projection is important to clock and soooo present in many aspects of dating. That which you constantly see in everyone else, is sometimes actually just super present in your own mind.

[u/SaltyElephants → u/Sailor_Marzipan]

Yeeeeah like sure a lot of men are settling when it comes to sexual desirability, but if you read enough posts on this sub, it's apparent that women are settling when it comes to...basic human decency. 😭 Like the desperation not to be single is so severe, that I am regularly downvoted for pointing out that being in a relationship is a choice. And no, I'm not talking about unsafe relationships where the guy might retaliate so you can't leave, I'm only commenting that on posts where it's clear OP is choosing to cry in their prison cell but the door is wide open.

[u/Greedy-Vacation-5617 → u/SaltyElephants]

Real! Like even if someone is fine you’re still not obligated to stay with them if you don’t jive with them😭

[u/Sailor_Marzipan → u/SaltyElephants]

of course yeah definitely different if it's unsafe, but, I don't get that impression from most of them. I also honestly think plenty of women "settle" for looks too (though I hate saying settling for looks bc I think most people just... accept that "idealized" images of bodies are not the end-all-be-all to partnership),

but we're just fundamentally socialized very differently from men in how we discuss physical attributes outloud/how we are socialized to satisfy our desires. Most women simply don't keep a roster of random porn-adjacent men to look at in their instagram or whatever as jerking off material, so there is not as much "proof" of what her ideal type is, but that doesn't mean it doesn't technically exist.

[u/Hira_Said]

Umm… what are you eating? 😅

[u/These-Fig-9611]

Yea thats pretty much what all relationships are like, regardless of gender too. Sometimes people are going to get their exact type, and sometimes not. especially with porn brained people, you are just the closest next best thing. Its one of those things you either accept it, or find a unicorn who doesnt watch porn/doesnt have a type, or find someone whom u genuinely fit their type. Ur someone's type, that person is out there.

[u/Tough_Pangolin_7471]

I think it's common for insecure people with low self esteem. People usually go after what they think they can get. Which is not necessarily what they desire. 

I think both genders do it. I think it is a reason why bedroom issues usually are on the women's end and why some women seem fine without sex in their relationships. I just think women have been socialized to care about things other than looks so it doesn't get talked about as much.

[u/uptiedand8]

I’m wondering how you know that this is why the relationships ended- did they both actually tell you that they didn’t find you physically attractive? Or is this the conclusion you came to after seeing the porn they watched?

I agree that a lot of men get with women they don’t like enough to marry and waste their valuable years, because they don’t want to be alone. But I think that usually is not because they’re holding out for a model, it’s more complex than that.

[u/mdynicole]

Yeah I think men project a lot and are fearful of women doing what they do. It’s one thing if he follows women with all different body types but if there’s a particular type he follows and constantly looks t that definitely his type and men tend to settle for women that don’t have that type but excessively look and lust over their type.

[u/blushing_avacado → u/mdynicole]

I think this is an important point. Who is he looking at and is it just a very specific type?

I had a very shitty college boyfriend. He was also a porn addict. However, for all of his other faults I can say that his type was just women in general based on his porn collection. Every race. Every body type. And generally if he would comment on another woman’s appearance to me it was still all kinds of women. So for all of our other problems I knew that my body was not the main issue. It was as comforting as it could have been to be in a relationship with a porn addict.

[u/phasmaglass]

I know you are hurting right now and I'm not trying to make it worse -- but please talk to a therapist ASAP. This is not really a gendered issue, it's an emotional immaturity issue. Men and women and everyone between project their own uncharitable thoughts onto the actions of others all the time, every day. You are right that you have noted a pattern but if you aren't careful your amygdala will send you down an unproductive road thinking men are the problem when it's emotional maturity you are looking for, and this is difficult to find in anyone, men and women alike. <3

[u/RevenueAntique4584]

You were a placeholder. Read why men love bitches.

[u/mauvaisang → u/RevenueAntique4584]

Nah. Just listen to the episode about “Why Men Love Bitches” from “If Books Could Kill”.

[u/heehoipiepeloi]

everything men accuse women of are projections. women are 'gold diggers', no, they are using women literally for free labour, house labour, free childcare. men accuse women of being 'slutty' or get fussy about women's body count, but men are the biggest sluts there are and are even proud of it. men accuse women of being 'bad drivers' when the large majority of car crashes are caused by men. men accuse women of 'talking too much' when it shows that in meetings they take up 70% of talking space compared to women but they feel like they talked less than women.

they accuse women of 'wanting attention' when dressing a certain way when it's men who want attention and will definitely do everything they can to get attention, like harass women, talk to them, be obnoxious, go on girls comment sections to try and get her attention etc. men accuse women of 'being too emotional', when it's men who are responsible for 97% of crimes, most verbal assaults, most physical assaults, 95% on average of violence based crimes, nearly all wars, etc. men are the biggest projectors on the planet. men also accuse women of wanting men's attention because men want men's attention, they basically do most of everything they do for other mens' approval. i could go on and on.

[u/Same-Wind4225]

Unfortunately, this is really common (I work in a male dominated industry). Many men are with women they aren't attracted to simply because the relationship gives them access to sex, affection, and domestic labor, as you mentioned.
They treat life like a checklist to get through ASAP (marriage, kids) and don't care about wasting someone's time in the process. It’s shocking how disconnected they are; I remember asking a male colleague how old his kids were, and after pausing to think about it, he admitted he wasn't even sure. He always knew the details about what his wife was making for dinner though.
There are many women nowadays who refuse to settle and would rather be alone than deal with that. I wish more men were the same way.

[u/anthrocenekid]

If a man said two relationship experiences with women ruined his view of women as a whole, would you find that rational and relatable?

[u/doctor-wu-75 → u/anthrocenekid]

Shut up

[u/sososonia → u/doctor-wu-75]

thank you

[u/Inevitable_Vehicle43 → u/doctor-wu-75]

Bingo

[u/wamsofanangel]

I'm going through something similar in my relationship currently. Even though he reassures me that I'm who he wants - body, mind, and soul - and that he's so about me... I can't help but feel like my body is not what he likes, he's got almost a fetish level interest in "thick" women, chubby women, pawgs, bbws, massive boobs, etc .... And while I have some curves, that's just not me and won't be me without an enormous level of working out + surgery.

It sucks.

We have been talking about it openly and honestly and have been working through it. He's doing a lot to reassure me... Like amazingly so, consistently, earnestly, and wholeheartedly.

But I can't help but feel like he's going to be turning around and looking at those pictures of those body types online anyways. Thus continuously seeking that fulfillment and reinforcing the fetish over and over again, which has been reinforced over and over again for over a decade. Also, blonde women... He denies that he like blondes, and seems SO sincere and adamant about it, but doesn't know that I've been looking at his Reddit history and that tells a whole nother story where he's literally specifically seeking it out. It doesn't help that his ex-wife also fits those parameters.

And like Ive never been one to take much issue in porn or adult content use in my previous relationships, I've always been secure about that but this has rocked my boat. It's one thing to find acts visually arousing, but a fetish for bodies themselves? How could that not impact how he views me?

It's a huge mindfuck.

As you said OP, *I don't want to spend a relationship competing with an ideal that I'll never look like.

[u/HugeBlueberryuwu]

So is that how you'll proceed in life? Just spend your waking years wondering if you're actually anybody's type?

That's a sad way to live

[u/DelightfulandDarling → u/HugeBlueberryuwu]

Sadder to keep falling for the same old lies again and again.

[u/TGirlSwagEvent → u/HugeBlueberryuwu]

Gets old putting your hand out and getting it stabbed over and over and over. Eventually you stop putting your hand out; nobody's holding it, why keep getting stabbed?