6 months since I got rejected, and I’m still stuck. Helpp

[u/Maine-Ming]

Helllow girliess!! I’m 21F, and its been almost 6 months since I was rejected after dating someone for only a month.

Ive cried soooo much over this. So about a month after our last conversation or that closure, i spiraled so bad and felt sad almost every day. Ive gradually gotten better at just enjoying my life and focusing on uni, but stilll I have days where I cry for hours and end up being dumb and breaking no contact.

I’ll text him things like “I miss you” or send long paragraphs, then after a while Id unsend everything and block him again. Then its like I’ll be okay for a few days until something triggers me, and the cycle repeats.

I’m super embarrassed because I feel so weak for being liek this, ppl have told me that im attached to the potential of a short connection instead of him. Tbh part of me still hopes he’ll reply and everything will work out, ik its dumb and ik that’s just unlikely. He was a good person, ideal for me and fits my standards and I also thought we made a good match.

Since the rejection ive been feelign lots of insecurity and self hatred. But I’m so so tired of feeling this way and want to move on for good!!!!

I admire women who can walk away without looking back. I want to be like them, i dont want someone’s rejection to control my life, and where I can focus on myself instead of the possibility of being with him.

Tough love is welcome, I wanna be better and hear advice that’ll really make me snap out of it like a slap in the face that finally wakes me up. Pleaseeee 😭

[u/pl6net]

i'm sorry girl but you need to hear this: texting him long paragraphs and saying you miss him then unsending everything is embarrassing and you will feel mortified in the future when you think back to this moment. (i know this because i did this too...)

best thing that happend to me was no contact and most importantly, no access. and then i got over what i thought was the end of the world within 3 days i'm not even joking.

[u/Maine-Ming → u/pl6net]

I appreciate your insight so muchhh!! Even now when I think of the things I’ve messaged him I cringe 😭 how do i do no access cuz it’s way too easy to unblock, maybe just better control huh😆 i hope I can get over this soon on a random day and not even notice

[u/pl6net → u/Maine-Ming]

maybe it helps to think from the other pov. if roles were reversed, and someone you rejected kept messaging you non-stop, would you think "ah i suddenly unreject them" or would you think "this is creepy and annoying"

[u/Maine-Ming → u/pl6net]

Yeahhh I see what u mean id definitely be scared and annoyed 😭

[u/SwitchWitchLolita → u/Maine-Ming]

Delete his number.

[u/Tessalynee → u/Maine-Ming]

Block and delete his number. And keep reminding yourself that you don’t chase men who don’t want you. You’ll find one that does and forget about this man entirely ❤️

[u/Maine-Ming → u/Tessalynee]

Awww thank youuu I hope that’ll come too🩷

[u/One_Beginning_1403]

therapy babe

[u/RubyWafflez]

I like to think, that when this happens it's the universe saving me from someone who was gonna fuck my life up. You gotta believe that the universe has got your back, and this happened for a reason. Don't bring that potential negative energy back into your life girly.

[u/Maine-Ming → u/RubyWafflez]

Thats a nice thought actually, thanksss!! I’ll try and see it that way. 🩷

[u/LocalMossCryptid]

I'd get therapy yesterday. What you are doing is not normal, and you are so young, you have your whole life ahead of you. Working on your attachment style and own self worth can go a long way. I say this with love, not harsh judgement. You remind me of my best friend, I've been begging her to get therapy and to cease contact but she won't listen so maybe I'm projecting but it's hard to watch her degrade herself over and over I hate to see it happen to another woman

[u/Maine-Ming → u/LocalMossCryptid]

Awwww yeah I understand your perspective its hard to see friends go through this and for them I got the best advice but I can’t apply it to myself, more ppl are recommending therapy so I’ll try and save up for it. Thank youu!!

[u/Expert-Welder-2407]

If you keep messaging him, he will soon have plenty of evidence for a restraining order. Does it help if you frame it through that lens? Because it’s a real possibility he could report you for stalking and harassment.

[u/Maine-Ming → u/Expert-Welder-2407]

Ohhh damn, yeah it helps a lot to see it through that lens… I’ll defo be able to stop by think that thank you so muchhh

[u/Interesting-Lake747]

Cute seal!

Pls, you will be mortified by this behaviour when you look back. Delete his number, don’t just block. You’re obsessed with him and you need to talk a step back and look at yourself. You really need some self respect.

He won’t like you sending paragraphs begging him to reconsider; if I were him I’d be scared of this level of obsession over a month of dating.

You need your friends to snap you out of it.

Please delete his number. NOW.

[u/Maine-Ming → u/Interesting-Lake747]

Thank youuuu, and yeah super cute it my fav plushiee, yeah I’ll delete it and keep him blocked on socials this time, and tbh putting myself in his perspective I can see how crazy I seem 😭 I really really need to stoppp!!

[u/wooahhay]

i mean this kindly, are you diagnosed with anything? cus being this distraught over a 1 month fling from over 6 months ago is a bit extreme. you could look into anxious attachment disorders, because from someone who used to also feel this way, it is not normal or healthy. stop messaging him, it is embarrassing and it is not helping you.

[u/unnamed_7777]

I see myself in you. I am the same.
You should read about anxious attachment. You should also listen to the podcast ON ATTACHEMENT.
It looks like when you get rejected, your abandonment wound gets triggered and you feel unworthy and unlovable so you keep chasing so they can finally choose you. I am like this and I’m actively working on it to change but it’s a long process. I really suggest you start doing the work now so you don’t waste many years on unhealthy relationships and patterns.

[u/Maine-Ming → u/unnamed_7777]

Is that podcast by Stephanie Rigg? Ill give it a shot thank youuu!!
I also appreciate your advice, I’ll work on bettering ng myself🩷

[u/Significant-Row-7010]

you will look back on how you’ve been acting and wish you’d snapped out of it sooner. i know it’s easier said than done but true no contact is the only way. delete everything, no looking back at messages or photos, delete numbers so you can’t just text him when you’re low. hell, delete facebook as a whole for a month or two, it’s really not as necessary as you think it is.

you also need to incorporate things into your life that’s not centered around him or men in general. start a hobby, volunteer in your community, call a loved one a few times a week to chat. you need to make a life where a good man can enter but won’t break you if he leaves. literally anything to get your mind off him will help, adopt a pet, throw yourself into work, start a fitness journey, whatever speaks to you.

you’re not a bad person for feeling so deeply but you’re not helping anyone by staying stuck. i hope things go up from here for you 🫶🏽

[u/Maine-Ming → u/Significant-Row-7010]

Thank you so much for your advice!! Atm I can’t delete fb cuz of uni but I’ll just have to better learn to control the urges to text him. I’ve been getting back into gaming again after months of not cuz we used to play together but its a good sign that im actually playing the games I want to play, I’ll try and get back to other hobbies aswell when im not too busy with thesis. 🩷🩷

[u/InterdisciplinaryHam]

Sounds like you're really stuck on him and are aware this has gone beyond a little post breakup fixation. You need to see a therapist if you have access. Also delete his number and don't save it anywhere, you really need to leave him alone. 

[u/Maine-Ming → u/InterdisciplinaryHam]

I unfortunately can’t afford a therapist atm, I’ve deleted his nimber but his fb is the problem…and yeah youre right I need to leave him alone 😭

[u/PreparationOwn6958]

Your school might have counseling services for students :) I go to see my schools therapist weekly and it’s been sooo nice! One of my favorite moments of the week honestly. I have anxious attachment too and spiral when I am rejected so I understand how you feel. However I really think you should write down the texts you want to send in a journal instead of actually sending them. That way you can still get them out of your system but not message him anymore. Sending hugs! 

[u/Maine-Ming → u/PreparationOwn6958]

Ohhh my school does have those, I haven’t gone in a while, I’ll try and visit tomorrow thank you for your words!! I also try journaling instead of texting

[u/Ok-Willow-9145]

When you want to text him write about it in your journal. Pining for someone who doesn’t want you is not about them. It’s about you. This guy could be anybody. If you’re angry about being rejected admit it and deal with that.

[u/Ay10outof10t]

I’ve been there (trust me when I say that).

The thing is the media, all the romcoms and books have taught us if someone wants another person really badly, if they beg and make huge gestures they will get that person back and they will be happy. This is never the case. Do you know anyone in a relationship that has gotten back to their partners after constant begging and nagging? I honestly dont. Never heard of such thing, only seen in movies.

Now I don’t believe in pop psychology crap but I do believe pleading, begging, sending long paragraphs makes someone look very unattractive. You think if I send this message, if I explain it a bit better he will all of sudden understand things and will come back. We always hope for that positive response. But it never comes. Let him be. It’s coming from me who has written her fair share of long paragraphs. At some point you understand when someone wants a breakup you need to give them the breakup. If someone doesn’t welcome you in their life, you shouldn’t be somewhere you’re not welcome. What helped me go through these triggers of wanting to message a certain guy is knowing that I will never get the response I want. I will either get a negative response or no response at all and I will have to start the whole grieving process again.

You’re allowed to be sad, grieve, cry as much as you need, take as much time as you need until you can move on. But rely on your social support system. Meet with friends. I know you don’t want to but you have to do these things even if you don’t want to because sadness has a weird way to shadow one especially if they’re alone. My first month after a breakup every time I left my apartment I wanted to come back and cry. But I did it anyway. Now honestly I don’t leave home to get away from sadness I leave because I want to. Sometimes I spent hours not thinking about him and then it all of a sudden hits me and I’m like wow I haven’t thought about him at all today. But you have to make active effort. Have some hobbies, meet with old friends and make new friends. It will get better I promise you. I’ve been through this 2 times. 3rd time is a charm right hahhhah.

[u/FearingPerception]

Dating someone only a month, you cant truly know theyre ideal for you. They clearly werent based on them not wanting to be with you. U deserve someone who wants you around!

Also you will feel embarassed about this one day (meaning you will get past these feelings), so do ur future self a favor and stop reaching out. No contact has been the best/only way i ever really got past these kinds of feelings.

[u/Intelligent_Mud6210]

sista noooo, I wasn’t rejected by someone who lowkey fucked up how i see love now. I wish I had been rejected so trust me when I say this is very likely you being spared so be happy. also, stop texting him bc if your effort didn’t matter before, it won’t suddenly start to matter now. I hope you heal❤️

[u/Maine-Ming → u/Intelligent_Mud6210]

Awwww I seee, sorry that happened to u, I hope you can also heal🩷. I do just wanna see it as a dodged a bullet sort of situation so thatll defo help, and youre right his opinion of me wont improve just cuz of what i do so thank youuu for these words!!

[u/birdsofvengence]

Heyyy, so I'm going to suggest this gently, but your behavior is incredibly unhealthy, and your particular actions align with what I've read from people that have borderline or bipolar personalities. I'm not trying to diagnose you with anything but I'm strongly suggesting you talk to a therapist and a doctor. I genuinely think you may need help navigating this.

I'm guessing this isn't the first time this has happened eh? There's no magic pill to snap out of this, there's only learning to understand yourself, your behavior, and some healthy coping mechanisms.

[u/Maine-Ming → u/birdsofvengence]

Ohhh I seee, I appreciate your take on this, I’ll definitely consider getting checked out :(( I hope I can fix this and yeah its happened before but i was able to move forward and I used to think maybe it was cuz I was young but now maybe its a real problem…

[u/birdsofvengence → u/Maine-Ming]

It's only a real problem if you never address it. Right now it's just a learning opportunity.

[u/RoyalSpecialty]

You're still young sweetheart. Your 20s are about discovering yourself. And you need to be a whole individual before you jump into your next relationship. All relationships hurt like hell when you're young and inexperienced. Now would be a good time to start therapy. Learn some things about your self. Cultivate deep self-love and self-esteem. Trust me, you have time

[u/Ok_Mine_9814]

I’m currently reading “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie and finding it very insightful. Maybe it’d help you? She does talk about rejection in it.