Here's What I've Learned 2 Months After Leaving My Husband

[u/LiterallyJustAHorse]

Back in July I found out my husband of 16 years had an affair. When I threatened to tell his Navy command he escalated to domestic violence against me and our 13 year old. I won a protective order and moved halfway across the country with my kids to my mom's house for safety. It's been two months since I left. Here's what I learned.

1) IT IS WORTH IT. I am going to start with the seemingly obvious one. No matter what struggles we have faced leaving was the right choice. My kids and I didn't even realize how tense our home life had gotten until we had left and were able to be ourselves in peace. We are less stressed, even with all the uncertainties leaving has brought us than we were living with someone who did not love or respect us. There is peace, joy, freedom and safety on the other side. That said...

2) Leaving is just the beginning. Kids or not. The affair was bad enough but leaving escalated things. Once he knew we were done it's like all pretense of being a good husband or father were over. Mask fully dropped. Not only did it result in violence towards me and our child but even AFTER getting the restraining order he was fully pushing boundaries. Showing up at our house over and over with different law enforcement to "get his stuff" despite knowing he had already gotten it all out. The point, of course, was to terrorize us and to exert some control over us. Not a joke to say we were afraid for our lives. Ending the relationship was just step one. The protective order became the immediate step 2, and putting physical distance between us became step 3. Statistically leaving is the most dangerous time. When he started harassing us we packed up and went to a domestic violence shelter. They were fantastic. The shelter gave us time to get our ducks in row and rest and recoop. They helped me with legal resources. Which brings me to...

3) There are people who will help you. There are so many people out there who have been through this. There are advocates who will stand in court with you if you go to get a protective order. I had no lawyer to help me, I was scared to death. My advocate stood with me and put herself between me and my husband's line of sight. She was amazing. The shelter workers helped with diapers, clothing, even transportation help to get us to safety. Once we got here there have been resources for food, counseling all through the local domestic violence programs. With all the help I was surprised that...

4) The Fear Doesn't Go Away. In caps y'all. Even though we are safe at my mom's house I am still having panic attacks. We are all still having nightmares. I'm still checking closets and doors and windows all the time. I can't watch true crime with my mom without an anxiety attack. When you have been through a trauma your body takes longer than your brain to process it. What's important to remember is...

5) You can survive this. My husband hit me. He chased my child out of the house. He fled law enforcement. He tested our protective order. He changed banks so we would have no access to his income immediately thrusting us into poverty. I had to drive alone with all four kids from 13 years to 7 months old (oldest 5th child is in college in a other state) 1200 miles through seven states and hope with all my heart nothing broke down (including me). We still have no home of our own. 7 of us in a 3 bedroom. We are still taking it one day at a time. BUT WE ARE FREE. We are alive and we are together. We aren't walking on eggshells or looking over our shoulder.

My story is far from over. There really is no happy ending. Instead you have to find the happy every day. You have to wake up every day in the middle of the heartache and chaos and find the joy. And that brings me to my last one...

6) Every day gets a little easier.

My hope in sharing is that anyone in similar circumstances can see that you can get the fuck out sis. You can leave him. You can survive and eventually thrive without him. I promise there is hope out there. I'm rooting for you, whoever you are. You are stronger and braver and more capable than you could possibly imagine.

Dinner is a turkey and provolone sandwhich and a message from the carrot gods.

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[u/Impossible-Table812]

So glad you made it out safely.

I’m out also. We’ve got this.

[u/Feisty-Narwhal8400 → u/Impossible-Table812]

I’m also out. We’ve got this. And btw, your story is 📚textbook📚, and I don’t mean that in a way that diminishes your struggle. I mean, mine did the same. My friend’s ex did the same. All the men in “Why Does He Do That” do the same. They’re violent, lying, stunted, vengeful, empty losers. Meanwhile, we are empathetic, resourceful, smart, patient, and strong. We carried this burden without as much as an outburst. But We ChOsE PoOrLy. Nah, bruh. We were abused and may these men rot in hell

[u/But_like_whytho → u/Feisty-Narwhal8400]

https://ia801407.us.archive.org/6/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

[u/beyondstarsanddreams → u/But_like_whytho]

This book saved my best friend’s life by getting her out before her ex killed her. Threatened to drive himself and a kid off a bridge and she knew he would never get better. That cycle of violence is always going to play through until you get out.

[u/Ewennl → u/But_like_whytho]

I'm reading this book atm as I'm trying to define if my ex was an abuser or not. Turns it he was. Fantactic book. It's helping me getting over him.

[u/Late_Progress_1267 → u/But_like_whytho]

Weekend reading material!

[u/theladyroy → u/But_like_whytho]

I will always laugh a little ruefully when I see this title. My father’s third wife had it on her shelf…and she still married my father. But she got out faster than any of the others. So it must be revealing.
I still miss her. She was great. I wish I’d had the opportunity to keep helping her renovate her Queen Anne Victorian.

[u/antisnooze → u/theladyroy]

How long did each of his wives take to leave the marriage or relationship?

[u/theladyroy → u/antisnooze]

Wife one (high school gf): 10 years; wife two (my mother): 23 years; gf that overlapped with my mother: 15-ish years; wife 3: 5 years

He’s a lonely old man now. He’s done it to himself. my sibling and I have only minimal contact to make sure he’s not decomposing in a house we’ll be responsible for cleaning out.

[u/144597 → u/But_like_whytho]

Thank you ! This book changed my life.

[u/AQuietViolet → u/144597]

My kids and I would be dead. It was near enough as it was.

[u/punkrockdog → u/But_like_whytho]

This book is on my list, I've seen it referenced and recommended SO many times in r/abusiverelationships .... I've been out of mine for over 7 years but i'm still healing. Now that I'm on the other side, I wish i could tell everyone facing this situation "YOU CAN DO THIS".

[u/ReplacementBitter927 → u/Feisty-Narwhal8400]

I'm out too!

[u/Mcnugget84 → u/Feisty-Narwhal8400]

I fought back, he had to sit in a doctor’s office with a nasty ass staph infection and tell the doctor I slammed a sliding glass door on him when he threw my empanadas I spent 6 hours making on the lawn.

[u/Simple_Twin → u/Mcnugget84]

Tried that with my ex and he just escalated.

[u/Mcnugget84 → u/Simple_Twin]

I don’t advise it at all.

[u/salishwoman → u/Mcnugget84]

Sometimes you just can’t help yourself. Mine died when I was in physical rehab for a while. That bastard and his son from 1st marriage changed his will Told lawyer I had abandoned him and after 25 years of marriage I got zero. House, recreation property, even my own personal things. Even my motorized disabled cart. I could have fought it but I had not a penny more than my social security. I thought I would die but now after shock was over I feel free. We were married 25 years.

[u/salishwoman → u/salishwoman]

House was paid off that I worked for. He was disabled so only got ssi. Guess who sold it and got every penny. I hated them so much but had to let it go. I don’t want it poisoning the time I have left. My daughter gave me the entire upstairs of her house and my dog and I are so content. 💕

[u/Pristine_Ad_6760 → u/Impossible-Table812]

I got out because he died. I wish only the best for all of you.

[u/salishwoman → u/Pristine_Ad_6760]

Best thing that monster ever did is have a heart attack and die. I didn’t know how happy it would make me until the hospital called to say they were sorry he didn’t make it through the night. Even I thought I would be devastated. Instead my heart soared and my brain thought why am I so happy. Sometimes you don’t know that is in there 😵‍💫🤷‍♀️

[u/Ok-Jackfruit-9393 → u/salishwoman]

Because you knew you were finally safe from him, forever. My mom's dad was a monster. A mean, abusive drunk who even abused their dog. Literally no one was sad when he died when she was a teenager (drank himself to death). I've never heard anyone have a single nice thing to say about him. Literally the best thing he ever did was die. They were finally free.

I'm glad you are free.

[u/somigosoden → u/Pristine_Ad_6760]

I pray for this everyday and I've been out for 3 years

[u/LiterallyJustAHorse → u/Impossible-Table812]

Hell yes sister. Way to go warrior woman. Sending you a big hug in solidarity because I don't know how to upload gifs 😅

[u/sarah382729668210 → u/LiterallyJustAHorse]

I hope you have been referred to a child advocacy center of some sort? Your child should qualify for free therapy hopefully.

You’re a great mama and a great person, as is exemplified by you posting here to encourage others after all you’ve been through. I hope you and kiddo only thrive more and more from here <3

[u/Mcnugget84 → u/LiterallyJustAHorse]

I agree with the child advocacy center.

[u/LiveLaughLychee → u/Impossible-Table812]

Also fled from my abusive ex last year with nothing except 3 suitcases of valuables. Left everything else behind. My sister and her bf flew overnight across the country to help me escape. He lost his new job 6 months into it and remains unemployed for 7+ months. He found out my new contact information and is suing me for the “moving costs” he allegedly had to incur from the “hundreds of items that I left behind”. Needless to say I fought him once and I’ll fight him again. I will never stop fighting for myself - my freedom and safety are always worth it.

[u/salishwoman → u/LiveLaughLychee]

I too had to leave everything. After the mourning I was glad I did. Felt free like I was 25 instead of 75. Now everything I have is mine and not tainted by memories. Happy for you💕

[u/pebblenooo → u/Impossible-Table812]

I left a little more than 5 years ago, and I also felt immediate relief. It wasn’t always easy but it was worth it! I now have a wonderful husband who has taught me what an emotionally mature relationship is, and a crazy toddler. I am so grateful every day to be out, and it makes me happy to see that you and OP got out too. I’m so proud of you ❤️

[u/strangedazey → u/Impossible-Table812]

Glad you're safe. Please be well.

I'm out too.

[u/LoudApricot5156 → u/Impossible-Table812]

I’m out 2!!!!

[u/rudegrrrl → u/LoudApricot5156]

I am so happy for everyone of you! You are all amazing and tough women!

[u/Gloomy-Kick7179 → u/Impossible-Table812]

Sis you totally got this. I wish you so much joy and peace. I hope you decorate your new home and eat whatever you want and wear what you feel like.

[u/SprayImaginary8556 → u/Impossible-Table812]

I’ve been out and safe for two years. Hard, but worth it. We got this!!!

[u/Euphoric_Celery_]

Omg!!! I remember your original post from two months ago!! I am so glad you are all okay and safe!

Also, I need the nudge. Things escalated back in December and I have truly been stuck. Thank you for the reminder.

Edit just to say THANK YOU! TO all of the women who have reached out. I'll probably never have the balls to DM any of you, though it would probably help me make the decision that needs to be made. Just thank you for reminding me I'm not alone. I don't have anyone in my life who can actually help me, so it's sad that Reddit is my only outlet, but that is life. Hopefully one day I'll be on the other side with my kids thriving, for now I'm just surviving though❤️

[u/LiterallyJustAHorse → u/Euphoric_Celery_]

If you ever need to talk my DM's are open. I'm here for you if you need a friend. 

[u/Aromatic_Lime_84 → u/Euphoric_Celery_]

Nudge heard here, too

[u/Gloomy-Kick7179 → u/Aromatic_Lime_84]

Sis you have one life. Live it free. Please make plans, find at least one person to confide in who will be there to help you move and just don’t come home. I wish you ease and strength.

[u/Pale_Air_5309 → u/Aromatic_Lime_84]

I would also like to give you another nudge. Getting free is so hard, but it's so worth it!

[u/mountain-forest-love → u/Euphoric_Celery_]

It starts with making a plan. Don’t tell him or anyone you don’t fully trust. Make a plan that works for you and doesn’t cater to his needs. Make sure he doesn’t know when you will be leaving.

[u/Mcnugget84 → u/mountain-forest-love]

Sign out of everything, and I mean every fucking thing. The location services are weird.

Also, friends. We need to start making some noise on the city level about these flock cameras.

If he has the plates and friends in law enforcement he can follow us anywhere. We can’t opt out.

[u/Mcnugget84 → u/mountain-forest-love]

Also do we have a wiki with information?

[u/Various-Cat-6442 → u/Euphoric_Celery_]

You can do it, be safe, be well, be free ❤️

[u/Dry_Parking_4087 → u/Euphoric_Celery_]

The freedom is unparalleled.

[u/Pristine-Thought69 → u/Euphoric_Celery_]

I left 1,5 years ago and let me tell you, it does get better. Unbelievably better. You just can't see the peak when you're still at the rock bottom. We all believe in you girl

[u/Francesami → u/Euphoric_Celery_]

I left with the children, no income, no marketable skills, no resources at all. But just the relief from tension was life-changing. I found a job and an apartment. Suddenly, I had more disposable income than I'd ever had as a wife.

(I could drive and I became a delivery driver.)

[u/Feeling_Win5863 → u/Euphoric_Celery_]

You are incredibly brave and you have got this. And we are here to support.

[u/Pale_Air_5309 → u/Euphoric_Celery_]

I would like to give you another nudge. Getting free is such a hard thing to do, but it's worth it.

[u/Illustrious-Mud6269 → u/Euphoric_Celery_]

Reach out to a domestic violence organization they may be able to help you create a plan and with support during/after leaving

[u/Contmpl → u/Euphoric_Celery_]

Another nudge that with support and a safety plan you can get out and feel freedom 💗

[u/Smart-and-cool → u/Euphoric_Celery_]

You can do it!!

[u/flexIuthor]

I had an abusive father too and my siblings put a lot of blame on our mother for not leaving. (His years of abuse turned her into a psychotic abusive mess herself)

You have told your kids through your actions that you are a safe place because you put their safety ahead of your own fear.

I’m so proud of you momma.

[u/Asleep_Leopard182 → u/flexIuthor]

You have told your kids through your actions that you are a safe place because you put their safety ahead of your own fear.

You've also taught them that they can always leave, and there are options.

[u/emccm]

It’s impossible to explain to someone who is still in it jsut how WORTH IT it is to get out. I’m so happy you are out. My ex made the divorce process utter hell. He stalked me for years. All of that was a million times better than being married to him.

[u/LiterallyJustAHorse → u/emccm]

Amen and Hallelujah 🙌

[u/pirate_meow_kitty]

I’m so proud of you

I also recently left my abusive husband and we were in a shelter for months. Yes we left our comfortable home and were struggling but I felt so free and safe. I could do what I want without walking on egg shells

Like with you once he realised he lost control over me he got out of control.

[u/LiterallyJustAHorse → u/pirate_meow_kitty]

It's like surviving a natural disaster isn't it in a way? Like we had to leave all our possessions behind and start completely over. Feels like it got consumed by a fire. 

And yet we still feel like we can breathe easier. It's STILL more peaceful. 

I'm glad you got out. Fuck that guy. You deserve the world. 

[u/salishwoman → u/LiterallyJustAHorse]

My daughter and I refer to it as the burn down house because we left so much behind and instead of meaning about it we figured if folks whose house burned down could regroup we can too.

[u/Asleep_Leopard182 → u/salishwoman]

It also teaches kids how to restart from the beginning. Which people forget too.

In quite a few cases kids often come into homes that are set up, with incomes & sufficient room, and they never 'see' the struggle. Particularly nowadays. It means when they themselves land in the struggle they don't know what to do, making it 10x worse.

When you start from 0, you aren't just finding a way through for yourself you're showing your kids how to build a path with resourcefulness and working with the world, which is some of the best life experience you can ever give them. Being able to make something from nothing.

It means going forward, they'll never be as worried when they have nothing because inherently they now have the skills to make something. There's positives to everything. It's hard but everyone is learning.

[u/Smart-and-cool → u/pirate_meow_kitty]

I’m so proud of you for getting out!!

[u/catscorner6]

So proud of you for taking this step 🫂💕 it's a scary journey but you got through the worst part and it can only go up from here! Did you end up reporting him to his navy command? I'm praying he gets all the karma he deserves for being so evil

[u/LiterallyJustAHorse → u/catscorner6]

Sure did. He's under investigation but it's on pause while he's deployed. Consequences WILL come, however slowly. 

[u/afortressmighty → u/LiterallyJustAHorse]

I hope he’s deployed OCONUS — and for a lonnnnnnng time! As long as he’s down range, he can’t violate the protective order.

On the other hand, it’s utter BS that they’re pausing an investigation for deployment. I wish I could say I’m surprised, but I’m not. 😒

So very glad you and your kiddos are out and safe! Gently, I hope the eldest away at college has a good support system in place, especially if you think there’s a possibility your ex will try to reach that child.

Keep moving forward! You have many hands on your back. 🤲🏻🤍

[u/Distinct-Fig-4216 → u/LiterallyJustAHorse]

Navy vet here hoping he gets the punishment he deserves.

[u/Audio-Kitty → u/LiterallyJustAHorse]

First of all, I am so happy for you. Leaving is so scary/dangerous/difficult and easier said than done. It’s alarming to me that the military is willing to put this on hold, prolonging your trauma and situation, and send someone who has proven to be violent abroad to represent the United States- but I’m not at all surprised. Men who are violent to their significant others and/or children are not people who should be in positions of authority but they sure do seek them out!

[u/LiterallyJustAHorse → u/Audio-Kitty]

Mind blowing isn't it? With the protective order he has a federal ban on owning or operating any weapons but apparently the Navy thinks he's fine to go on a war ship? At least he'll be far away from us. 

[u/catscorner6 → u/LiterallyJustAHorse]

Love you for doing that 🙏🫶 may he get exactly the treatment he put into others 😤

[u/ThemisChosen → u/LiterallyJustAHorse]

Did you tell them about the financial fuckery? My BFF was a navy wife for a decade, and she says they take a very dim view towards cutting off spouses financially

[u/maleficient_fox012]

Make sure you always go to renew the RO. I didn't after 5 years and he came back and fought me for custody of our kids. Always go back and tell the courts you fear for your life. They never change and they most likely wont find more supply so they always come back.

[u/_kismitten]

My mom got us out when I was 11. Life was hell before and there were very hard years after. But we survived.

My sisters and I are all loving, well adjusted and happy adults. It’s a rainy Friday night, we’re sitting down to enjoy a cozy dinner while watching Frasier. Reading this made me feel incredibly grateful and proud of her, and the 30yrs of life and joy we’ve had because she was able to make an escape plan.

This is the happy ending I wish for you and your family. Safe, healthy, laughter, memories without the trauma. Sending love to you, you brave friend.

[u/Dry-Crazy-2481]

I celebrated the 20th Anniversary of my Freedom Day earlier this month, and I agree with you on every point.

I’m glad you and your kids are out, take each day as it comes and I wish you well as you all learn to relax into your new future xx

[u/alltheblarmyfiddlest → u/Dry-Crazy-2481]

Reminds me of the song, Indepenence Day by Martina McBride.

[u/Kooky_Celebration_42 → u/Dry-Crazy-2481]

Freedom Day

I love it!

[u/ehnonniemoose]

I remember your post about it earlier this year and I’m SO happy you got out OP. I’m proud of you and your kiddo for doing the hard thing and moving ahead. To a new chapter, for both of you!

[u/tomboyades → u/ehnonniemoose]

[u/Ok_You_5448]

Mods can this photo be the new sub icon??

[u/GlitteringMoose3630]

I have known many women who have left abusive relationships. None of them regretted it. All of them were happy they left, no matter how hard the leaving turned out to be.

Thank you for sharing your story of survival. It’s important for those who are struggling to leave to hear how good it can be. I hope your life from here on out is full of good things!

[u/Fit_Cryptographer139]

Your children are entitled to military benefits now. You are entitled to part of his benefits when he retires. He has to be current on any child support he will owe or he can lose rank. When you feel safer, contact his commander's office and get information on what your children and you are entitled to.

[u/Teriyake17]

I’ve seen your posts here and there.. and your strength and courage, mental fortitude, and doing whatever you have to do to keep your kids safe is inspiring. And your tenacity! Just another voice chiming in to say you’re incredible and hoping the best for you

[u/SquirrelGirl1749]

So proud of you OP!

[u/Legitimate_Dot_2513]

Thank you for sharing this. I stayed with both physical and verbal abuse from my ex MIL and ex husband because he was my first love. He became severely mentally ill during the pandemic lockdown and would lash out, and his mom tried hitting me several times because she didn't accept his condition.

I live with several debilitating diseases that impede my physical functioning. Although leaving made everything worse due to the suffering and pain from it all, and my health hasnt fully returned to my prior baseline, I'd rather take this suffering than being hurt by others.

I'm 5 years out, divorced, and am happy to simply be alive. I would've 100% returned home in a box had I stayed.

Please leave abusive relationships. It's simply not worth it...

[u/ambarellachutney]

I followed your earlier posts too. You took care of your kiddos in spite of all the craziness he put you through. They will always know that their mother put them first and that will be one of the best outcomes of this situation. You are amazing and I hope everything eases and settles as you move forward.

[u/GnomieOk4136]

Honestly, I hope this gets him tossed through military court, too. I am so glad you are out and safe. You are amazing.

[u/Zestyclose-Tie5915]

I see you xo I'm moving next week. Freedom is so close. I can only hope the neurological disorder I developed from the trauma will eventually go into remission. In the trenches and I cry every day even a year since leaving but I'm closer with the kids and I'm seeing my old self and inner self I always wanted come alive. I keep asking everyone to tell me it's going to get better as it truly doesn't feel like it yet but it will. I know it will. Being terrified is no way to live. Asking permission to buy a bra is no way to exist. I was so small by the end and yet I'm such a sparkly person. But I have freedom again. Cheers to us and to those who need out. Sending love and strength xo

[u/Willow-1012]

I remember your previous posts so glad you’re safe with your mom.💕

[u/Tassiebarwench]

Your right about the fear never leaving. It's been almost 3 years, but whenever I hear a car outside my house I still look, and if it's a red 4WD a full on panic attack ensues. I know he's in prison, I know it can't be him, but that fear is still always there and I don't think it will ever fully go away.

[u/Which-Wish-5996]

I am 55. I wish my mom had your strength when I was kid. She stayed with him until he died in 2017. She lives with me now. My mom has survived cancer twice. She survived an emergency hysterectomy. She survived open heart surgery. She survived my father. At 75, my mom is safe, she has friends, and she has hobbies. She lives a fulfilling life. I’m so sorry you and your children had to go through this but there’s life on the other side. You and your kids deserve peace.

[u/Select-Panda7381]

I absolutely love this. 🙌 This just confirms every bully is a coward and the version of life he threatened you with when leaving is the one he knows he’ll experience when you’re gone and there’s no one to prop him up.

[u/Quizleteer → u/Select-Panda7381]

OMG THIS! Exactly!

[u/Away-Caterpillar-176]

[u/Character-Tennis-241]

I'm so proud of all of us that got out. I'm here to give you all insight on 20-40 years down the road. I retired from a job with a pension. I own my own home. Peace, joy, happiness does come. I went through more than 1 nightmare relationship. The first one was in.many ways the most abusive and scariest. The second was still abusive and scary, but I conquered the abuse and took back my voice before leaving that marriage.

I''ve been single now longer than the total number of years I was married. I've dated, but haven't found anyone worth the trouble of marriage. I raised 3 wonderful children into adulthood who are all married with children of their own.

Trust me when I say life gets better.

[u/nyx926]

You are amazing! I wish you every good thing and hope those good things show up soon.

Any chance your mom likes baking shows? Great British Bake Off just started back up and it’s way easier on the nervous system than true crime.

[u/NorrinRaddMain]

[u/Pepperoni625]

You are a very, very courageous mama! I hope that you have gone after his military pay for a child support, possibly alimony. Especially if he’s deployed, you should be receiving money for that.

[u/Aussiealterego]

I remember you, from posting while all this was in process. I am so relieved that you have found a place to rebuild from.

Much love to you and your kiddos.

[u/melnotmichelle]

Thank you for sharing this very important message. We rarely see posts from the other side of things. I am so, so proud of you and grateful that your kids have you in their corner.

[u/LiterallyJustAHorse → u/melnotmichelle]

One of the most powerful weapons we as women have is our voice. I won't suffer in silence. I'll turn the shit on my lawn into fertilizer and grow a garden by using my experience to help someone else. Women gotta have each other's backs. 

[u/what_ho_puck]

I'm so proud of you and I hope you are reporting all of this to his command! They should actually be part of the "people who will help you". Unfortunately there are always bad agents, but his command should be taking a very, very dim view of what he is doing

[u/Guilty_Accident7816]

omg it’s you!! So so so glad you are now safe and proud that you got you and your kids out of that situation!

[u/eleventhing]

I'm proud of you. I also moved far away. Took 7 years for me to leave.

[u/mygiveadamnsbusted22]

It’s been 3 years since I left with my kids. And we’ve been in therapy for those 3 years. Most of the time it is better but at the same time the fear does not go away. You’re completely right.

If I feel like a car has been behind me too long or taken too many of the same turns as me I won’t go home, I drive completely out of my and in circles until I don’t see them anymore. I sleep with a weapon under my pillow. I check doors 2-3 times at night, any noise and I’m immediately back up. I can’t tell you the last time I fully slept through the night.

But my life is definitely easier as a single mom of 3 than it was with him. It’s happier and my kids smile and make friends now. It’s so nice to see them moving forward.

[u/LiterallyJustAHorse → u/mygiveadamnsbusted22]

Amen sis. I'm so glad you got out. Your kids are lucky to have you. 

To me it is better to have fear of the unknown after leaving than the certainty of the threat at home. Taking chances vs no chance at all. 

[u/mygiveadamnsbusted22 → u/LiterallyJustAHorse]

I’m glad you got out. Stay safe. And absolutely so much better! I’d rather be free than begging for my life

I saw your other comment about looking back and seeing signs. That’s how it is for me too. Now that I’m on this side I realize how isolated I was and how controlled I was but when I was in it it was just “normal”

[u/zonutsthefirst]

So glad you're safely away!

[u/Fabulous_Visual_5554]

My ex fiance left me miscarrying alone in a hospital bed to hang out with his friend. This was in July. I broke up with him. 4 years together at 24. Majority of my adult life has had him. It’s hard but I remind myself that it’s harder to be with someone like him.

I still have moments of fear where I think I’ll miss him forever. He hasn’t even reached out since he blew up on me and called me a whore on the phone (thought I was hooking up with dudes… mind u I was miscarrying LMFAO)

Im getting used to the idea that being alone is better than in bad company

I’m proud of you. I’m proud of everyone who decided to move forward. It’ll always be worth it

[u/Oriencor]

[u/Quizleteer]

Standing ovation for you, OP. You're an incredibly strong woman and mother. And thank you for sharing your story and the immediate aftermath. I'm sure there are women who visit this sub that would find your post extremely helpful. I know we all know that it's always in our best interest to leave an abuser, but what's scary is to not know what to expect after, especially if you don't know that resources exist.

I also escaped a domestic violence situation over 25 years ago. The PTSD is real, but it does get better over time with therapy and support. Hang in there! Wishing you and your children the best! 💖

[u/MC_BirdNerd]

Oh friend, I'm so sorry you've been going through this. I saw your original post in this sub and have since looked back at your other posts and have checked in every once in a while to see how you're doing. But I'm so proud of you for getting yourself and your kids out of that situation and to safety. I can't even begin to imagine how you must have felt and still feel. You are so strong, and an amazing mother. Praying for you and your family as you navigate this situation and get back on your feet... for full freedom from that man and for total peace of mind. ❤️

[u/aye_amanda]

Glad you were brave enough to leave no matter what the other side looked like. You’re right, there are people there to help.

I found when I take trips by myself (I very rarely get alone time) back home I can breathe better without mine. We’ve been in a sexless ‘marriage’ for over 4 out of the 7 years we’ve been together. He never seems interested in me and I’m tired of trying to get his attention when his phone seems more important. I’ve been outta work for two years and am working through whatever savings I have left. Sure he pays for the house note and other household bills but he doesn’t actively put my mind at rest with whatever bills I have. Never offers but asks his dad for ‘my half’ of the mortgage. The only time he actively ‘tries’ to work on things with me and I use that word loosely is when I threaten to leave. When he does ‘try’ it’s only long enough for him to think I’m being fooled (less than two weeks and then back to his shitty self). Jokes on him though because emotionally I’ve moved on and have started looking for work back home.

I had an interview last week for a part time gig and then next week for a full time job. I would rather be alone and work multiple jobs than live with him where I’m made to feel like I’m not loved properly. There’s someone out there who will actually love me like I’m learning to love myself again.

Here’s to dropping the extra weight on who we used to call ‘husbands’. 🥂

[u/Tasty_Lab_8650]

I've got no clue why i stumbled upon your story two months ago. I think the subreddit frugal or something was suggested to me and I read your post asking how to make $100 last for however many days. So many people gave good suggestions.

Then I saw your original story in the best of subreddit, which i do subscribe to. Your story was horrific.

Then I saw that you were safe in another subreddit, that i don't subscribe to.

Now, I see this. This is also a "suggested" subreddit.

I am so glad you and your kids are safe. We often see people postq and never come back to update, which is, of course, their right. But you letting everyone know is pretty brave. Good luck in your healing. And good on you for being so brave and being someone your kids know they can count on

[u/Zidormi]

RE: #4. Therapy. Get therapy until after you think you're healed, then get more therapy. Nothing like being 15 years removed and suddenly getting flashbacks again.

You got this.

The first year is the hardest. The panic attacks will lessen. You'll slowly start to feel okay again. :)

[u/SaintValkyrie]

Just a reminder, people wont always help you. My own state's advocates abused me, and abandoned me. There is no tangible or true help for a lot of people. 

If you need to stay in an abusive relationship to survive because there genuinely are no alternatives, you aren't a failure or morally corrupt. Some people dont get helped, even when they do everything right. A lot of the advocacy centers dont actually do anything unfortunately

[u/Lyubimaya_54 → u/SaintValkyrie]

As a former advocate, I can confirm that many orgs are only as good as the people who work there. I know the disappointment can be crushing after working up the courage to reach out for help, but if they let you down, it is NOT your fault, and you should not lose hope. You can’t rely on any one source to “save” you. You have to take advantage of all of the resources available to you, consult with a low-cost/sliding scale attorney, get support from friends/family of possible, and always be your own most vocal advocate. 

[u/Aware-Material2194 → u/SaintValkyrie]

You don't know how badly I needed to hear that. Your words are medicine to me.

[u/ThiccBanaNaHam → u/SaintValkyrie]

They are there, first and foremost, as a business.

[u/SaintValkyrie → u/ThiccBanaNaHam]

This exactly. If you're marginalized, don't expect help without it being pulling teeth. The moment I found out what they were supposed to be doing and the level of negkigence and abuse, it didnt matter how calm, direct, or whatever I was. They got rid of me, destroyed my case, screwed me over, and ensured i didnt have the money to sue 

[u/Lizardgirl25]

I have seen many of your posts and I wish you the best and hope you and the kids keep healing.

[u/ConcernedCitizen-187]

First off I want to say you’re amazing.

Secondly, highly recommend the Crime Analyst podcast with Laura Richards to anyone wanting to learn more about DV, specifically about coercive control. We can all do more to support women and learning about this form of intimate partner violence will open your eyes.

[u/CollegeEdTeach]

You are amazing - be proud of yourself!!

[u/evergrowingivy]

I have been following your journey and I just have to say I am proud and so happy for you.

[u/UncleNedisDead]

I remember reading your original story. The navy totally failed you by not holding him accountable. 

I’m glad you made it out safe and got to your mom’s. 

[u/Unlikely-Violinist45]

Good for you! Thank you for sharing and being an inspiration.

When I left my abusive husband of 17 years, the first time I went to the grocery store I spent 2 hours walking around and had nothing in my cart. I would pick things up to put in the cart and was like no that is something he liked and made me buy. Shopping was so hard that first time. Now I go to the grocery store and I know what I like. I get what I want. I eat when I want and what I want. No more compromise, if that is what we want to call it.

Eventually it dawned on me how much of my identity I lost to him. I didn't even know what I liked to eat anymore. So glad I left when I did. Wish I had left sooner.

[u/5thStESt]

I remember you! I’m so so so grateful you and your kids are safe now 🫶🫶

[u/claudies1]

Proud of you! I can’t imagine how hard this was for you and your child. Stay safe friend, life will only get better ❤️

[u/Erratic-Leaf]

You did it! You made the best, smartest, healthiest choice! You're rising into a new era of healing and joy! You've got this! You are so right, it was and always will be worth it! You and your kids are finally free! Keep breathing, keep going! You absolutely rock!!!

[u/hespera18]

I remember reading your story. I'm so glad you're doing well. You're strong as hell, and resilient, too. I admire you, and your kids are lucky to have you!

[u/Mongopb]

Another reason why American armed forces are full of bottom feeding scum.

[u/sharoncoffin]

On my way out!

[u/CCC_OOO]

You did that. You made a safe life for your children and taught them strength and real love. I’m so proud of you not just for doing it but for writing this and sharing with others. You are saving more lives. I am not religious but I certainly hope and pray for people and I’m praying that your lives continue to improve each day and you one day have a beautiful life that brings you so much joy. I was homeless when I left my son’s father (more than once). I did remarry and took all my lessons with me. Someday I will share my story but I still pinch myself some days that it’s really real. I’m so fortunate and blessed these days more than I could have hoped or even tried to imagine in those hardest times and I feel the need to remind people to always leave a little space in what could be for things to work out even better than we can imagine. Once you know how truly hard life can come at you it’s easy to forget to dream and imagine and leave any space for something that feels a little like magic about how truly awesome life can be again so I just want to remind people of that part that comes after this hard time. Hoping many amazing moments are ahead of you 💗💗💗

[u/Fun_Island5225]

Been following your story and I’m so proud of you. Your kids are so lucky to have a strong mama like you.

[u/Dakotadps]

I remember reading what happened.. glad to hear your positive outlook.

[u/hmcd19]

1. 2nd amendment

[u/Puzzleheaded-Fox1084]

I didnt intend on slicing onions tonight but here we are. So proud of you, OP!

[u/Express_Rub_4742]

Omg I have been an update from you. I’m so glad to hear you guys are safe and that you had access to resources. I wish you well and I hope you guys continue on this path of healing

[u/Hefty-Invite-4186]

So glad you're all together, free and safe! This is truly a blessing. So so so happy for you, op! ❤️‍🩹

[u/MadamBK]

So proud of you 🥹 Wishing you continuous peace and healing ❤️

[u/BFstickeronacadillac]

This internet stranger thinks you’re fucking fabulous. Not only are you strong but you’re back here to cheer on the girlies that need to hear that message! Thank you carrot gods ❤️❤️

[u/Briteh801]

Thank you for being so brave, thank you for sharing your story. You, your mother, and all the advocates involved are badasses. Your children and everyone here are so proud of you 🫶

[u/NeurospicyCapybara]

[u/CurryLeaf7]

I read your story originally and wondered about you and hoped you were safe. Glad to hear you are. Thanks for sharing

[u/Own_Section_1445]

So happy and proud that you made it out safely and that you have so much awareness and strength. I also have a protective order and remember so well those first days and weeks after getting away—you’re doing great, and it really does get a little better with each passing day!! Enjoy your freedom and be proud of yourself and your kids, y’all made it through the darkness and back into the light 💗

[u/TallBear5590]

You are incredible. Your courage is beautiful and your wisdom, though hard won, is such a gift to others. May you continue to find more peace each day.

[u/Dangerous_Push219]

What a great service you have done here, writing this all out. Good luck to you!

[u/elastricity]

Congratulations!! Leaving is so hard and so scary, and building a life on the other side is damn difficult. I’ve been both the kid and the fleeing adult in my time, and each one turned my life upside down.

I just want to add a second follow up to OP’s, as someone 10 years on the other side of an abusive marriage: my fear did fade, and I did get my happy ending.

I remember thinking I was going to be on high alert for the rest of my life, but it only lasted about 2 years for me. I will never forget the day my nervous system came out of panic mode, it truly felt like a switch flipped. Before that, I was constantly looking over my shoulder, which I do not regret, but wow was it exhausting. The early period where they’re still enraged and feel entitled to punish you is extremely dangerous across the board, but the good news is that many abusers, at the end of the day, are lazy magpies: they want victims who are easy to hurt without consequence, and close enough to harm regularly. Once you distance yourself, set hard boundaries, and get family mediation/court involved tracking their bad behavior, their interest usually drops off in favor of easier targets.

A few weeks after I got to the shelter, I made a list of goals (big and small) for my new life. I’m very much a list person, and I needed something to give me hope and focus while my day-to-day circumstances were still pretty stressful and unpleasant. Improvements came slowly at first, but as my efforts compounded over a few years, I found myself ticking things off that list left and right. I’ve now been living my wildest dreams from that list for about 3 years, and it’s still surreal how much joy and peace I get to experience every single day. I don’t want to undersell the time, grit, and luck it took to rebuild my life into one I truly loved after DV. But at the same time, it’s amazing how much easier it was to improve my circumstances without some asshole trying to hold me down.

I hope one day not too far in the future, OP gets their happy ending, too. And for anyone who read OP’s story and still feels apprehensive about the difficulty of leaving, I hope my story offers some reassurance that an incredibly satisfying life is possible on the other side. It may seem dim from where you’re standing now, but the light at the end of the tunnel is so, so bright.

[u/Ilove2fly]

Good on you. Your children will learn what good parenting looks like by the strength you show through your actions. Congrats on your better new life. Not easier yet but better.

[u/Physical-Tomato2583]

The strawberry hearts around “dump him” sent me 😂

[u/Fit-Insect5204]

I’m proud of you.

[u/Ah-Mazed]

So proud of you and so happy you and your kids are safe. Thanks for sharing your story so you can help other women be strong.

[u/__The_Kraken__]

You’re my hero.

[u/LuceLeakey]

Oof. I am so glad you are all safe. Thanks for writing this. I hope it helps others.

[u/HavenHeks]

Bravo! You just became the heroine of your own story. Your kids will have happier lives because of you. Wishing you and your sweet babies a more beautiful life than you can ever imagine.

[u/LoudApricot5156]

I agree with #1 with my ENTIRE heart

[u/Empty-Hat-6023]

EMDR and IFS therapy saved my life after my abusive/stalker ex. Would really recommend looking into it for anyone struggling. I haven’t had sleepless nights/nightmares in a few years now.

Sending lots of love to all of you <3

[u/Siderealcat]

I am so glad you're doing better! Lots of love to you and your kids, you did a brave thing.

[u/PotatoRosary]

Happy for you. And trust me, one day you will look around and all of the sudden your life will be so good and you will be at peace. Takes time but it will happen. Trust.

Also I hate when people say things like “why didn’t you leave? Why did she stay?” only those who have been there understand… because it’s NOT EASY and it’s dangerous. Worth it but it’s extremely difficult. So just know you’ve done something very very hard to do, and please be proud of yourself and your kids.

[u/SeparateCzechs]

I remember you. I’m so glad you’re safe.

[u/elliet22]

We love you
We are proud of you
We hope nothing but the best for you
And thank you for sharing for those still too afraid to get out

[u/Armadillo_of_doom]

I followed your ordeal in other subs and I'm glad to see you here and safe!

[u/FireproofCottage]

OP, you are a queen and an inspiration. Saying things that need to be said makes it easier for some other person who's in a bad situation to actually think about getting out. God bless, and I hope you and your children find the peace they deserve.

[u/nbiina]

OP I am so happy for you. And that you’re sharing in your vulnerability to help others. Truly commendable. I wish you the best for you and your little ones. I hope that piece of shit gets what he deserves. Cheers to you 💕

[u/ThisIsProbablyOkay]

I'm so happy for you <3

[u/jtr489]

[u/murphycs87]

So very proud of you and glad you are all safe! Lots of love to you and your family. One day at a time. 💕

[u/Seamore_J_Turtle]

This internet stranger is so, so proud of you and your bravery. I am wishing you all the luck and happiness the world can possibly bring to you and your kids. 💜

[u/xoStrawberries]

I remember seeing your post in the PF sub when you made it to your mom's! Your strength and optimism are so inspiring. Wishing you lots of love and healing, and may your ex get the karma he deserves. ❤️

[u/SomewhatBougieAuntie]

[u/kweenwitch]

I've been out nearly 3 years now. I'm finally starting to live the life I dreamed of before we started dating. It really does get easier, you deserve it 💕

[u/digitalgoddess99]

You're amazing.

[u/nardflicker]

[u/sookiestack]

I’ve followed your updates since the first post. Glad to see a positive update since you made it to your safe space. Hope you and the children are adjusting, slowly, but surely🤍

[u/allieoops925]

Good for you. And thanks for trying to help others.

[u/Sunshine_Friend6538]

I am so glad you got out and y’all are safe!

I took my kids and left 7 years ago. I’m so glad I did. We are all better off now. But it took like 6 months for my brain to start functioning again…the stress and the trauma just sidelined me. It can get better, though. And now my daughters can see his dysfunction on their own…and are glad we left.

Wishing you all the resources you need for healing. And a wonderful new life!

[u/GladAttitude4]

What a great example you are setting for your children. Whenever the journey feels difficult, I hope you feel peace knowing you are doing right by them.

[u/Nerdy-Babygirl]

So proud of you, well done!! Also petition to make this photo the new sub logo.

[u/Downtown_Blacksmith]

I’m so glad you’re safe. Also, men like that should be in prison.

[u/lilyemberxiv]

I remember you! I am so glad you are all safe and doing better!

[u/Kip_Schtum]

I have a feeling this image will become an Internet staple.

[u/Anxious-Character804]

I hope to be out soon. Thanks for your message filled with hope

[u/Smart-and-cool]

I’m so proud of you for getting out!!!

[u/-Dee-Dee-]

Wonderful post and bless your mom for saying yes to you moving in.

[u/Irish980]

[u/saigebrush27]

GIRL I remember your posts and I'm so happy to hear the (relatively) positive update! You're so fucking strong for getting out of that situation, especially with such young kids, and I wish nothing but the best for you.

I know therapy is the no-brainer recommendation here, if you and kiddos aren't already in it, but if I could put my two cents in as a therapist... EMDR is a trauma-focused modality that is incredibly effective for the symptoms you're experiencing. Not sure if kiddos are old enough for it yet, but if you start to scout therapists for yourself, look into ones trained in EMDR. I'm also happy to answer any questions about it via DM 🫶🏻

[u/Nectoux]

Wow you’re a badass!!

[u/youlooksick]

You are amazing and I’m so happy you’re out. A lot of similarities in my story. 1 year out, it’s been SOOOOO hard at points but so, so worth it.

[u/yokoyokogirl]

I'm so glad you made it out safely...there are so many who don't leave. There's a scene I saw in this show once called, "Maid" where an abused mom just got sucked into a sofa. People were calling her name and she couldn't get up...she just got swallowed by the sofa. That's literally how I felt staying in an abusive household. Once my kids and I left, life got harder financially but I felt liberated and my kids began to thrive again. Most importantly, I learned to be kind to myself. And I want to say I'm proud of you 💕

[u/Massive-Ant5650]

Left in 2017 after 15 years. You are 100% right

[u/Some-Mushroom4858]

12 years out and life is so so so good. 

[u/Repulsive_Pool_4561]

I’ve been reading your posts from the very beginning! I just want you to know that I am so proud of you!

You are doing something so hard right now, that so many think is easy. Some say “I would never be in that situation“! Until you are and you don’t know what to do, where to go, who can actually help you! You can never say never! But YOU did! You put your babies and yourself first even though it’s so hard and in a territory you never thought you would find yourself in! So for that I am so proud of you! Keep doing one day at a time, and keep being the amazing mom that you are ❤️

[u/grayhairedqueenbitch]

I am so glad you got out. Wishing you and your kids the best.

[u/Subject_Candy_8411]

Thank you

[u/Glittersparkles7]

Emphasis on 4 and 5!! Glad you got out! Fellow ex navy wife here. We escaped 1600 miles away. All with his command covering his back.

I hope you got some support from his command. 🫶

[u/Schweather3]

I remember your posts and that you were trying to figure out how to get away. I am so incredibly glad you got to your mom’s safely. You are such strong woman. ❤️

[u/blondeheartedgoddess]

I am do proud of you and anyone else who has made it out safely.

Just take it one day at a time, putting obe foot in from of the other. Youre going to have bad moments, you know that already, but a bad moment doesn't mean you're going to have a bad day as a whole. All you can ask of yourself is that you do your best to keep moving forward.

Hug your kids every chance you can. When they hug you back, don't let go until they let go first. I promise that will make them feel safer, more supported and more loved than anything else in the world.

Sending you hugs from sn internet sister. You've got this.

[u/Dayana_Ofthelion]

I was in a similar situation and your post just inspired me to look for opportunities to help women in this situation. Sending you and your children and your parents all the best wishes. Keep going.

[u/Plane-Assumption840]

35 years have passed and I still on rare occasions have a panic attack when I think how close I came to major physical harm. Leaving was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and the one thing I am most proud of. There are far too many of us out in the world who have been through this. The most important rule is that you cannot go back to this relationship Ever. You have got this. The recovery is slow and very difficult but you will come out on the other side a lot better in every way. 🩷

[u/Ok-Okra8779]

I’m pretty young, do you mind sharing any signs of him getting to this point or what stood out that u can see now? I’ll keep u in my prayers as well