my mother is pregnant

[u/Street-Ad-1244]

my wife (23f) and i (23f) moved in with my mom (41f) this august after our lease was up. she had gone through a divorce and job loss in mid 2025, i am student teaching, and my wife is an immigrant waiting for her work visa. while i am now working an after-school program job and my mom has a coordinator job at my university, we all agree that living with her and paying her $700 a month rent was a win-win situation. we get cheaper rent, a familiar landlord, and stability, she gets help with her mortgage and us helping around the house since my little sister moved out in august to start college. my wife and i cook dinner, buy our own groceries, mow, vacuum, dishes, you name it, we help out with it. growing up, my parents were divorced and i was left to help raise my little sister through all of it. because of this, we have a very close and almost maternal relationship. my mom and i are also very close, oftentimes i call her my best friend. she is now dating her high school sweetheart (43m) who lives about 6.5 hours away. she just informed my sister, wife, and myself that they are pregnant. so many thoughts started racing through my head “she doesn’t have health insurance yet” “she is still recovering from unemployment and the second divorce” “they don’t live in the same state” “i don’t want to have a half sibling 24 years apart from me” “i don’t want him (boyfriend) to start inserting himself as a father figure”. they both seem scared. they’re stressed. they don’t even know if this baby will make it or if they want to keep it. i support my mother and love her. if she wants to have another kid, she is a grown adult and can. but it’s so hard to support her when there is so much fear, uncertainty, and displaced anger. the plan was always to move out after i’m done student teaching. but until then, as we continue to save, i know my mother and i know this will not be easy. we fight a lot, she is quick to stress and anger. what if all of the extra stress from this hurts our relationship? what if this baby comes and i have no connection to them? i am trying to support my mom and i know it’s her choice, but my emotions feel so high from finding out the news.

i’m not seeking advice, just needed to vent before my next therapy appointment.

[u/madame-maitre-d]

POST FLAIR, babes!! (but if you gotta life coach anyway, put it in replies here to spare OP the notifications til the time is right. let's honor the boundary.)

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[u/No-Conclusion-7259]

Babe you seem like you’ve been extremely parentified - the way your brain jumped to all the worries and practical concerns. You clearly love and care for your mom but also she is an adult who needs to make her own mistakes and problem-solve for herself. Put your own oxygen mask on first and prioritize your own family (you and your wife) and let your mom deal with her own mistakes. 

[u/Fit-Meringue2118 → u/No-Conclusion-7259]

This was my thought. Especially where she feels almost maternal towards her sister.

Girl! As an oldest daughter to an oldest daughter: your mother is a grown ass woman, and her “boyfriend” is also an adult. Let them adult. Move out asap. I’m not saying you can’t help out, but you all need space. Your relationship will improve if you’re not living together. 

Also,  I’m 41. My fellow millennials are not geriatric. Many of them have very young kids. The baby will be fine. Your mother will be fine. The bf is not going to parent you. He’s going to be busy parenting that baby. And you’re going to be busy with you life, NOT inserting yourself into their domestic issues. 

[u/i_hv_baby_hands → u/No-Conclusion-7259]

For real. I’m the super parentified oldest daughter and alarms went off for me reading this post because I’ve been there so many times with my mom, worrying about her and trying to solve her problems. I’m estranged from my mother and I still worry if she’s okay. Parentification is the gift that keeps on giving.

[u/soybug → u/No-Conclusion-7259]

I agree. I felt somewhat similarly to my own mom and now we hop on the phone maybe once a week to catch up and it’s so much healthier for us this way. I have had to accept that she is an adult and will figure it out and now it’s time for me to focus on myself and my family.

[u/Odd_Trouble7605]

My baby brother is 21 years younger than me. It's hard to be closeclose, but also we've never fought. It's not so bad :) he's a good kid. I hope you can have something nice come of this, no matter what. ❤️

[u/Street-Ad-1244 → u/Odd_Trouble7605]

thank you. i’m sure something good will come, the shock is just hitting me in all different directions

[u/Makeup_life72 → u/Street-Ad-1244]

I am 38 years older than my Triplet brothers. LSS, dad and mom divorced, dad married a lady 3 years older than me. He was 59 when the boys were born. It’s suuuuuper weird but I made it fun. I would take them to the playground or bouncy house then drop them off sugared up and hyper. They are 16 now, and I don’t envy him one bit.

[u/Pr1nc3ssButtercup → u/Makeup_life72]

You're in auntie mode as big sister, that's not bad! And LOL at three 16 year olds.

[u/Frostytwam → u/Makeup_life72]

wow imagine being 75 with teenagers...😩 His wife willl need to step up...good job big sis

[u/dressing4therole → u/Frostytwam]

My dad was 54 when I was born. And he raised me on his own after my parents divorced when I was 12.

[u/davanita18 → u/dressing4therole]

I’m sorry to hear that about your mom. Kudos to your dad and every other single parent.

[u/drumallday → u/Street-Ad-1244]

I'm 19 years older than my little sister. It's definitely more of an aunt role than a sister one. My mom's mom had just died of cancer and so she held back the news of her pregnancy for a while. Then my mom decided to get genetic testing because at 41, this was a higher risk pregnancy, so she held back the news even longer. I was no longer living at home and didn't see my mom for a few months. Then one day I got a call that I had a new sister. I was very confused and asked her if she had adopted someone. I never even knew she was pregnant!

I do love my littlest sister. We all do. She's definitely everyone's favorite. She got the benefit of having a bunch of older siblings looking out for her and a much more stable older mom.

[u/CriticalPossession65 → u/Street-Ad-1244]

It's not your responsibility to also be a mother to this sibling. You can just be a loving sister giving a much or as little as you feel like.

[u/Odd_Trouble7605 → u/Street-Ad-1244]

I hear that. The news is probably hitting with a million different emotions. Especially when you and wife are just starting to consider how to establish your life more. When everything costs so much 🙃

You mentioned no advice, and sometimes when shit is fucked I find its nice to just hear a simple wish instead. It doesn't have to be true rn either, just a hope I have for you

[u/Big_Echidna8511 → u/Street-Ad-1244]

I’ve been with my husband for 9 years his 2 kids from his first marriage are 21 and 11, we had our daughter together and she’s 15 months and the oldest absolutely adores his baby sister the 11 year is also in love with her, it’s definitely a large gap but it’s doable if you’re receptive to it.

[u/Merrynpippin136 → u/Big_Echidna8511]

Yeah our kids are all over the place. I have a 13 year old, 10 year old and 16 month old. Also - a 27 year old stepson and 23 year old stepdaughter. I love our family, it works.

[u/_kismitten → u/Odd_Trouble7605]

My little sister is 17yrs younger than me and one of my great joys. My mom was 47yrs old when she was born and it was REALLY hard when she was pregnant but after my sister arrived, I looked into her little breadball face and felt like I knew her.

Our relationship is maybe more like a semi-parental one more than traditional sisters but I’m the bridge between the generations for her and my mom so we all need each other in different ways. It’s complex and lovely, I feel lucky. I hope the same for OP.

[u/Odd_Trouble7605 → u/_kismitten]

Yes, mine as well. Now that my sister is an adult, we have moved closer to true sister relationships. But I walked the kid to their first day of school. I caught them after their first steps. It is a very special relationship.

[u/cynisright → u/_kismitten]

Bread ball?! 😆

[u/saerra_sea_nya → u/Odd_Trouble7605]

I was only 14 and 16 when my brothers were born but it’s simply not a sibling relationship. They’re cool kids and I love them, but I’m much closer to my cousins my age and always kept my only child energy unfortunately.

[u/Odd_Trouble7605 → u/saerra_sea_nya]

Definitely still have only child vibes as well. My sister is also a lot younger than I am. So it goes. I love my siblings but my cousin is also my closest family member still. Funny how people can have so much in common and this is how we find out :)

[u/badwolfinacrown → u/saerra_sea_nya]

Yeah I was 13 when my sister was born and 23 years later we still have nothing to talk about. Barely even siblings?

[u/saerra_sea_nya → u/badwolfinacrown]

I also refused to babysit lmao so that’s probably part of it.

[u/badwolfinacrown → u/saerra_sea_nya]

Yeah I fled to college when she was 4 and stayed away a good while, there's just nothing there in common except a parent

[u/Frostytwam → u/saerra_sea_nya]

did they live in the same household? Thats what causes separation sometimes as well.

[u/saerra_sea_nya → u/Frostytwam]

Yeah. But I was doing my own thing by then and it was 50/50

[u/plantbucket420 → u/Odd_Trouble7605]

Same here! My sister is 20 years younger. I thought mom was off her rocker but it worked out. And my little sister is a pretty cool kid. Its a weird situation to be in, I hope next therapy session brings some comfort.

[u/mediumsizedbootyjudy → u/Odd_Trouble7605]

I love this. My oldest is 17 years older than my youngest and they are BESTIES. I was so scared that my oldest would lose it when we decided to have another, and when I told her I was pregnant, she was definitely pissed. But neither of us could have predicted how much she would adore the babies and how much they would adore her. Even though she’s in her 20s now and out on her own, they still manage to be close. Seeing their relationship be what it is is honestly one of my favorite parts of motherhood.

[u/darkday15 → u/Odd_Trouble7605]

My nephew is 14 years older than his sister and 17 years older than his brother. They all love one another but they're also not overly close. He's trying to figure out this whole being an adult thing (does anybody ever truly feel like they have a complete grasp on it?) and they're little kids whose biggest concerns are school and toys.

[u/MimiandherFlower]

My oldest brother is 20 years older than me and I was obsessed with him as a little girl. I wanted to be with him every summer and I cried hard when I had to come home wo him. Now i'm 30 with a baby and though he lives far, he comes to see us every month. We talk a lot on the phone, he's the first one I asked about studies, jobs.

I always felt like the luckiest little girl to have a grown sibling, who can be there for me in ways my younger ones couldn't. And I know he adores me too, I was the first to know about his son 11 years ago and he always calls me when his life is a lot, maybe not for advice, but just bcz "he feels lighter when we chat".

It's gonna be okay, I wish your mom, the baby and you all the best. ♡♡♡

[u/dressing4therole → u/MimiandherFlower]

My brother was in his early 30s when I was born and he was my favorite person on the planet when I was little. When I was a baby he loved to carry me around at restaurants and see the look of shock on people's faces when he informed them that he was my brother not my dad. Like there's videos of me on Christmas morning telling my parents I have to call my brother and tell him what I got for Christmas before he comes over. 🥺

My siblings were all grown and out of the house when I was born. And I was largely raised by my dad who was in his 50s when I was born. It's not traditional, but neither is anything else I've ever done.

[u/Mundane_Put_5780 → u/MimiandherFlower]

Very cute.🥰

[u/kiks89 → u/MimiandherFlower]

I have the same situation 💖🐬 I love my older brothers

[u/thismotherfklr]

My mom is almost 40 years older than her younger sister (my grandpa was a dog) so the age thing never bothered her.

My grandma raised her little sister as her own when her mother passed away when her sister was four months old. At the time my grandma was already in her 20s and had her first child (she ended up having to even breastfeed her own sister)

I think that having some reservations and fear about a big age gap comes from the fear of potentially losing your mother and then having to be the parent to the child left behind, so I totally get it. I come from a family where age gaps between siblings is a big factor (I’m almost 12 years older than my youngest sister as well) and parentification is real and overwhelming.

No advice but try to take care of yourself op

[u/mensfrightsactivists → u/thismotherfklr]

forgot about the colloquial use of dog while reading your comment and for a second i thought we had a much more unique situation being described than you meant 😭

[u/appledecider → u/mensfrightsactivists]

[u/thismotherfklr → u/mensfrightsactivists]

[u/loratliff → u/mensfrightsactivists]

Me too! 😆 It's early.

[u/LeopoldTheSnail → u/thismotherfklr]

...Grandpa?

[u/thismotherfklr → u/LeopoldTheSnail]

I’m drinking coffee or trying to 😂

[u/LeopoldTheSnail → u/thismotherfklr]

I remembered what that means after about a quarter second, but i got a good chuckle out of my initial mental image. Bunch of people sitting around at Christmas, passing out presents. Somebody bought socks for grandpa, and he's just sitting there, wagging his tail

[u/thismotherfklr → u/LeopoldTheSnail]

Omg totally see it

[u/Sailor_Marzipan]

FYI depending on your state, being pregnant is sometimes a way (qualifying event) to get onto public/free health insurance - worth looking into for her!

It sounds hectic now, but I think on the plus side, having a lot of caring people in the baby's life and a stable/older parent is a lot more than many surprise babies get on their side!

[u/sadilady18 → u/Sailor_Marzipan]

I don’t know why this isn’t farther up. She needs to apply for assistance to get on pregnancy Medicaid then she and the baby will have health insurance.

The age gap- you’ll be more like the fun uncle than siblings, which is fine. I’m 11 years older than my youngest brother, and I always had more of a caretaker/aunt rather than sister role. It’s just a different dynamic. Now that we are adults it’s more of a peer/ sibling one.

[u/Flashy_Rub7361 → u/Sailor_Marzipan]

Agreed, she will actually qualify for a lot of assistance immediately:

•Medicaid (likely zero copays)
•free health insurance for the baby for its first 12 months of life
•food stamps
•WIC
& Likely more than that.

[u/Bubbly_Delivery_5678]

Well, maybe the pressure to give her grandchildren is now off of you. Look at the silver linings….

[u/Bubbly_Delivery_5678 → u/[deleted]]

OP is married to a woman, so maybe different circumstances than yours. Lol.

[u/ThrowRaoofda]

My husband is 15 years younger than his older brother. Obviously they don’t grow up together but now as adults have a good relationship. He and his wife are godparents to our child, we love spending time with him. When he started having kids, my husband was still young and lived with them for awhile to watch their kids for them while they were getting established.

Just because it’s an accident/surprise doesn’t mean it’s a mistake.

[u/DoubleoSavant]

I was super parentified, and the second eldest of 9 children. There's a 14 year age gap between me and the youngest sibling. Now that I'm pregnant with my first, I haven't told my parents yet, and don't plan on it until he's born. But I keep having recurring nightmares that she, my mother gets pregnant at the same time. It's not technically possible anymore, she's 65. But I still get the nightmares. The dread of another child coming, that's not mine, that I have to take care of, you don't forget that easily. 

[u/Imblueabudeeabudie → u/DoubleoSavant]

the eldest daughter, age 12, when the mom announces she is pregnant for the 4th year in a row:

[u/LinkRN]

I have half-siblings 28 and 31 years younger than me. It’s ok! It was second marriage for my dad and though I don’t like his wife at all, I don’t mind my half siblings. They are the same age as my middle kids and my kids love it! My oldest called my brother “uncle baby” for a few years and it still cracks me up.

[u/Frostytwam → u/LinkRN]

whoa dude thats crazy age gap

[u/LinkRN → u/Frostytwam]

What if I told you there’s 12 of us lmao

[u/Frostytwam → u/LinkRN]

omg your dad has been busy and same with your mum

[u/Buffalo-Empty]

I know people in this situation (similarly but ages are almost the same) and it worked out fine for them and they are close. Hopefully her bf is a good guy… that would make all of this a lot easier. Maybe they will move in together and he can help ease the financial strain?

Id think of your relationship as more of a aunt/nibling kind of a way because it’s not going to be a sibling relationship even if it is by bloodline. You will love them just as you do your family, but you’re an adult so it’s just not going to be that impactful in the end because you probably won’t live with them for very long if at all.

[u/holderofthebees]

Well if it helps, your toast faces are really adding to the situation. 🫂

[u/_SomeWittyName_]

Why the repost?

[u/Street-Ad-1244 → u/_SomeWittyName_]

changed the wording from being so angry and reflected on what i wanted to get across. i did a poor job not letting my emotions get to me in the last post.

[u/rthvdjb]

Going through a similar thing, not pregnancy but big life decision from my mother. I am noticing sometimes part of being a first gen immigrant is having to be your parents’ parent.

[u/BrieflyBlue]

I have one sibling relatively close in age—he’s 24 and I’m 25. The other four are significantly younger than us: 9m, 5m, 3f, and 2m. My mother was relatively prepared for the oldest (who was born when I was in high school), but the youngest three were not wise decisions. I hate saying that because I love them all dearly, but it’s true. Their father sucks ass and neither he nor my mom has adequate resources to care for them. It’s taken a lot of debt, welfare programs, and kindness from relatives to keep them afloat. I live with them and help care for the kids & pay bills occasionally.

Our situations are very different, so I’m glad you don’t want advice. I don’t know what the hell is going on with my family most of the time.

[u/Street-Ad-1244 → u/BrieflyBlue]

I'm sorry, that does sound stressful. As siblings, we do feel that burden and stress. I'm giving you love and support.

[u/Hot_Patience_4769]

My mom has siblings 25 years older and they're close! My aunts played an important role in her childhood.

[u/StarryEyedSparkle]

Thanks for venting, and understandable why. That’s definitely a lot.

The age spans among my siblings is 30 years from the oldest to youngest.

[u/Street-Ad-1244 → u/[deleted]]

he already has started playing dad. he started calling me “kid”, talking to me on my mom’s behalf, thanking me for cleaning my own house

[u/Remarkable_Olive1169 → u/Street-Ad-1244]

I've never heard "kid" used as a placeholder for "daughter" or to mean anything other than a nickname. I'm pretty sure that's what he's doing; not literally referring to you as his kid....I've been called "kid" by many older men and none of them say it because they think it means they're my dad or they can parent me lol

[u/JBone119 → u/Street-Ad-1244]

I thought you said you moved in with your mom tho wouldn’t it be her house? Idk it sounds like your mom had you pretty young (still a teenager) and maybe felt some kind of fomo seeing parents that were able to care for their young kids in different ways because they were older/more life experience. Devils advocate I guess. Can’t say anything for the bf but I could understand your mom’s perspective, a friend of mine has a baby sister and he just turned 25

[u/LizTruth]

My big brother was 17 when I was born. He hung the sun, the moon, and the stars. I hope you can enjoy your sib.

[u/Ri-Sa-Ha-0112 → u/LizTruth]

My sister is 13.5 years older than me. She was always such a good big sister- I’m 40 and I genuinely can’t remember a single moment where she was anything but kind, gentle, or super cool (she knew I was gay and let me spend time with my high school gf, she’d buy me booze, posed as my mom when my parents backed out of letting me get a piercing). She made me an aunt at age 9. My nephew, now 30, is, aside from his incredible mom, my best friend in the world. Straight up won the big sister lottery. And I think she feels the same about me.

[u/hucksmama2021 → u/Ri-Sa-Ha-0112]

This made me cry. 😭 What a beautiful relationship you have!

I hope my littles feel the same way about my oldest daughter when they’re grown. My 5 year old boy has been obsessed with her since he was born (she’s 10 years older), and she feels the same way about him. Jury is still out on my newborn. 😂

[u/cakeit-tilyoumakeit → u/LizTruth]

That’s like my uncle with my mom and aunt. They were like 16 and 17 when he was born. They’re all three extremely close, but my mom and aunt did basically raise him

[u/BiofilmWarrior]

Glad to hear that in addition to venting here you've made plans to address this in therapy.

It's good that you're working to create a support system to help you deal with what's going on.

[u/S_Shippy]

My husband and his youngest sister (he has 3 sisters) are 21 years apart. They are soooooo close and are best friends. They have a very beautiful relationship, one that I always dreamed of having with a sibling. It sounds very scary but things will work out whichever way life takes your family 🤎 sending love

[u/BigMommaaa34]

I totally understand your feelings and I’m sort of in a similar situation. However, my mom (42F) is thinking about having another baby. I even recently moved back home, and the possibility of becoming a big sister at 19 is shocking.

It sounds like you were turned into a 2nd/3rd parent at a young age since you mentioned that you had to take care of your sister and I can sympathize with that. I believe that both of your feelings are important in this situation yet you should put yourself first for the sake of your own mental health. Also continue to support your mom both emotionally and unconditionally and she should do the same <3

[u/Penny_Wrenny_]

First off, big hug to you. Second, man do I get where you’re coming from. I’m adopted, with a closed(ish) adoption on my dad’s side and an open one on my mom’s. My bio mom has many issues (antivax, untreated BPD that she refuses help for, extremely cruel when overstimulated, etc). When she drank or smoked, she’d to tell me how much of a mistake I was. Sober, she said she never wanted kids ever again. Well, I cut contact with her at 16, and went fully scorched earth at 21. And guess what?? She got pregnant. My little brother is 22 years younger than me, and my little sister is 23 years younger than me.

Do I worry about those two kids all day, every day, and drive myself crazy with the “what-if”s? Yes. Do I wish I could step in and take them away from her? Yes. Am I angry? One thousand times, yes. However, to protect my peace, I’ve realized that I just have to stand back and let what happens happen. It’s hard and it sucks but it’s what I’ve had to do to survive and keep going.

I wish you luck dealing with the stress, uncertainty, fear and anger (very understandable might I add) surrounding a situation like this. However you choose to cope, or move forward, is completely unique to you, and the choices you make are (and will always be) valid and yours. Wishing you well 🩵

[u/Street-Ad-1244 → u/Penny_Wrenny_]

That sounds like a lot and if anyone hasn’t said it, I’m proud of you for having the control and patience to protect the peace. Much love ❤️

[u/Kittycorgo → u/[deleted]]

I am a few years older than OPs mom and hard same. My kids are teens, a junior and senior in HS. No fucking way could I deal with a newborn at this stage of my life. And then the cost of daycare and formula and just…. 🤯 no.

[u/Defiant_Locksmith190 → u/[deleted]]

I’m 40 and have a 5 year old (youngest), damn it’s way harder than back when I was 25

[u/istanforwendy → u/[deleted]]

Agreed. I’m 42. My two are in middle and high school. There’s absolutely no way I’d have another kid.

[u/PruneThis3764]

I’d be so mad but I guess your mom is a grown adult and can make her own decisions. If it were me, I’d work as hard as I can to move out and distance myself from the situation

[u/Cinnamon2017]

Don't borrow trouble. Just be there for your mom.

[u/Street-Ad-1244 → u/Cinnamon2017]

I've never heard that term before. I'm going to try to remind myself of that.

[u/Forestry155]

Don't take this the wrong way, but there comes a time when young people have a habit of meddling too much in their parents' lives.

Live your own life with your partner and let your mother live hers, whether you approve or not. It’s her life. Don’t judge her. You’ll do things in your own life that your mother won’t agree with, too. To each their own!

[u/Ashamed-Marzipan-809]

im 20 years younger than my siblings. once we got out that “second parent phase”, it actually was great. my sister is one of my best friends. itll be ok OP & dont feel bad for setting boundaries - my sister did (ex. don’t expect me to drop events to babysit, etc) & it helped a lot with our relationship.

[u/Darkanduglyturns]

I have a daughter who is a single parent (I was also). In this economy and job market I would think seriously, long and hard, about continuing a pregnancy. The stress is absolutely overwhelming. If she (mom) had a career with benefits, including health care, it would be much better. But, she doesn’t. She already depends on you for income and I predict baby sitting is in the future. Your #1 priority is to take care of yourself and your wife. Be careful.

[u/GirlDinnerDiaries-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

[See GDD Rules](www.reddit.com/r/GirlDinnerDiaries/wiki/gdd-rules/)

Mods try to put a pinned comment on the top of NO ADVICE flair posts when they're doozies, so we can do our Internet Auntie/Bestie/Big Sister/HypeWoman duties and speak up where we feel we must. This keeps OP (who isn't ready for advice) from getting allll those notifications, and saves them for her to return to when she's ready. Please use it!

[u/Street-Ad-1244]

i also don’t know if this makes a difference but my mother knows how i feel and we had three very long discussions. she will help me find options for moving out if that’s what i want. i just don’t know yet as emotions are still fresh and high.

[u/Buyohime → u/Street-Ad-1244]

Frankly everyone in the comments section here assuaging your doubts with reassurance that everything is going to just be OK or somehow "will fall into place" by some fair happenstance is extremely worrisome at least and intensely naive at best. A baby, let alone, a newborn is an entire whole other human. Dynamics of which you are living with presently will be shaken up and any instabilities or present issues that you're presently dealibg with will intensify. I come from a relationship health background in psychology and in the often in the adjoining marriage and family (related but not entirely murually exclusive subfield), we say that a baby is somewhat akin to a grenade in a diaper. The whole other human that is the baby will statistically stress any bonds that are struggling to begin with, tax issues that are already present, and even in the presence of robust bondsdisintegrate faculties that you may not be present to give. Sure, it's easy to say that (as I glean from your comment that you are currently residing there) it is your Mum's baby and therefore you will of course just remain hands-off and/or she will not involve you. But is this the actual reality? Do you have the wherewithal to remain hands off? This is one of those many tough truths to life that we are presented with.

Practical advice dictates: take inventory of what you can and cannot deal with or handle right now -- full stop. A hard list of no's. However, it stacks -- you know what to do. 🫂

[u/Street-Ad-1244 → u/Buyohime]

this is one of the kindest and most understanding comments i've read. the truth is, yes i can move out, but i wasn't planning to this soon. money is tight as is and this does add a stress. i want to support her, but boundaries have always been hard in our relationship because we are so close. thank you for seeing the situation beyond my original post and being kind. it goes a long way right now.

[u/Buyohime → u/Street-Ad-1244]

Honestly, research didn't work out for me in clinical psychology the way I thought it would. 🤷‍♀️ But I always told myself, whenever presented with the chance -- I'd always use what I'd learned for helping folks, like it should be. And from the empathy side of things -- oh, love, life throws us these curveballs and when it does, especially, then more than ever I think it's that facing these tough truths that the universe presents us with becomes not just essential for our growth, it's essential for our survival, too. It's these trials -- this tough reflection and self-evaluation -- that makes us also who we are as humans. And so our decisions don't become tantamount to just caving to what we think forces beyond our measure intend for us -- but it's up for us to figure out how we fit around that life puzzle, too.

My favorite zen Buddhist proverb translates extremely roughly to: change or be dragged there. And (as a parentified daughter of 4, on a slightly more personal note) I've really tried to hold myself to it. So stand 10 toes down. You'll figure it out what's right for you! 🙏 And you've got this, girlie!!!

[u/GirlDinnerDiaries-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

[See GDD Rules](www.reddit.com/r/GirlDinnerDiaries/wiki/gdd-rules/)

Mods try to put a pinned comment on the top of NO ADVICE flair posts when they're doozies, so we can do our Internet Auntie/Bestie/Big Sister/HypeWoman duties and speak up where we feel we must. This keeps OP (who isn't ready for advice) from getting allll those notifications, and saves them for her to return to when she's ready. Please use it!

[u/Mediocre-Ad4735]

If you live with her and depend on her then I don’t think you can have any say on whether a baby is brought into the house or not. Sucks but that’s being an adult.

[u/wigglefrog]

My mom was an accident (20 years younger than my aunt). She grew up with her niece and nephew. Strange dynamic, for sure, but I don't think it was bad. I had the best relationship with my mom's parents, but they both passed when I was 9 and it was a very significant loss for me.

I grew up with someone who's mother had her at 50. I remember she was always so much more mature than us as kids.

My husband's friend has many siblings! I think 7? And the last one was born when his mother was 51. The friend and his wife suffered from infertility for a while. I always saw his wife's posts of them babysitting and taking the younger siblings out for trips to do little kid stuff.

I wouldn't worry about connecting with your sibling. We all come into this world with our free will and exist chaotically together as we orbit the sun and fly through space into the ever-expanding void. Plus your sister exists too, and your wife. Who knows? They might connect with this child more than you, and that's fine. Just let it happen. Not everything is your responsibility. I'm sorry your mom made you feel like that growing up.

Edit - spelling

[u/DontMindMePlsx]

My (step) brother is 18 years older. Love him more than anything! He brought me with him everywhere and we have a strong bond even now (:
Used me as „lady-magnet“ and put costumes on me tho… -.- and I have a lot of pictures with military uniforms and (not lit) cigarettes…

[u/Aromatic_Living_598]

My brother is 25 years younger than me and my kids are older than him. All 3 of us babysat him at some point lol. He and I are very close. As long as you keep boundaries in place it will be fine and your mom will figure things out along the way, she's already gotten this far one way or another.

[u/NightOwlNetworkYT]

Baby brother is 21 years younger than me! I love him dearly. Do I think it was a lot and very stressful on my mom and step dad? Yes. Do I think they’d trade it for anything? No. And I love my lil dude as much as I can. He’s my best buddy :)

[u/spanish-rice22]

I’m 28, my baby brother just turned 7. We have a great relationship, he’s my little bud lol

[u/Whatchamacallit72]

I really hope you will move out before the baby arrives. It may be a good idea to put some distance between you and your mom so you don’t end up parenting this child. You deserve your own life free from your mom’s choices.

[u/Boring_Hat_6546]

No advice, per your flair. A book recommendation, though. Jennette McCurdy’s I’m Glad My Mom Died might help you feel less alone. On a related note, I have been super committed to relationships and been heartbroken when they ended. Only after a bit of time and space did I realize how much nicer it is to breathe when no one was sitting on my chest with their hands around my throat. May you find peace and discover how refreshing oxygen can be.

[u/Street-Ad-1244 → u/[deleted]]

true! i felt like i didn’t fully explain what was happening and give enough context in the first post. a place meant for girlhood felt like a place of judgement and i needed to reframe my mind and wording.

[u/Adanma369]

My grandma had kids in her 40s and I think that was one of the worst decisions of her life. Those kids gave her more trouble than her first set and she has never financially been able to provide for them. She wasn’t the same mom for them.
You’re right to be concerned, especially since you helped raise your younger sister.

[u/girlwhoweighted]

You posted this before. What happened? You didn't like the responses yesterday?

[u/womenslasers84]

Surprise babies when you’re over 40 are a real thing!! I’m 43 and I’d be so afraid to start over with a baby once I thought I was heading into independence and planning for retirement. But then again, babies are a joy especially if you have a few people around to love on them and help take care of them. And they grow into (generally) super cool people before too long.

Edited: didn’t finish before accidentally sending!

I would just be supportive of your mom because she’s probably as freaked as you. Whatever she decides, give her love. And if she chooses to keep the baby, then you and your wife can decide how much you want to be involved. That’s completely up to you. Boundaries are good, normal, and healthy. But I think yall have a setup that could be super fun if a baby comes. Anyway good luck to you!!

[u/Fuzzy_Improvement795]

You posted this yesterday, I empathize with your situation but you truly need to get another job and move out. My mom sadly went through similar situation as you where my dad couldn’t work and she was in school for her masters to become a teacher. She had to work a second job at night to afford living. You guys don’t have children so it’s easier than it was with her, you need to work at night or weekends or really both. Or accept that you and your wife (mostly your wife if she’s home) are going to help raise this baby. If that’s not ok with you, the second job is needed. It’s really hard but it’s the only two options because your mom is gonna do what your mom’s gonna do and you live with her. Get several roommates and live elsewhere. I lived in a 4 bedroom house (one was an attic) with 7 people including myself. It’s hard but it’s doable.

I hope you get to have a good relationship with your youngest sibling. I’m 12yrs older than mine and it’s a unique relationship that I find very rewarding.

[u/JustCallInSick]

I had a very unplanned baby at 43. My biokids were 17, 12 and 8 when he was born. I have 2 bonus kiddos (my oldest daughters 2 older sisters) who were 22 and 21 when he was born. They also blessed me with a 2 year old and 1 year old grand baby at the time of my sons birth.

The only one who was really worried was my 18 year old. Now they’re best friends (as much as you can be with a 17 year age gap). We just went to see her at college over the weekend and he was so excited to see her. He’s 18 months now. It’s definitely interesting being the parent of a toddler and a parent of adults & a college kid. But it’s fun when both grandbabies are over and playing with him.

When I first told my girls they started laughing. Our kids might go to the same school. They said “how funny will it be when someone is bullying them and they say they’re going to get their uncle. You except a grown adult or something to walk in and instead they have to go down to the pre-K room and pick him up” ha

[u/_-4twenty-_]

I was raised Mormon. This is quite common here. I have a cousin who is older than our youngest aunt. They have a strange dynamic, but it works.

[u/Katiecake80]

My oldest sister has 20+ years on me. She wasn’t really around when I was growing up because she had a family of her own and moved to the other side of the country. We didn’t really start talking until my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and he did end up passing. But she and I still exchange messages. We have more of a far away, friend relationship with some I love you, sis thrown in there. 🤷🏻‍♀️. But I was never close to any of my family to begin with.

[u/hollowbastionx]

My dad and his eldest brother were born 20 years apart. In fact, my uncle’s wife was pregnant the same time my grandmother was pregnant. My dad has a niece two weeks younger than him. My dad also found a best friend in my uncle. They talked over the phone every day until my uncle passed a few years ago.

I don’t have any advice for you. But, I hope that this stress is temporary and that the future will hold joy for you.

[u/Dont_Even_Know_You]

My older kid's grandma on dads side was pregnant at the same time as her oldest sons wife. That means that uncle is the same age as his oldest niece. There's like 20+ years between grandmas oldest and youngest sons.

I always feel like the 10 year difference between my oldest and youngest is a lot, then I remember it's really not that much. I'm 43 now, and if I got pregnant again I would have an abortion. I have too many health problems and too much stress going on and not enough money to deal with it. So it would be a no from this mom.

[u/glitter_pear]

My uncle is four years younger than me, and 23 years younger than my mom 😅😬

Good luck

[u/linzardlinz]

My brothers are 15 and 17 years older than me. Definitely a different relationship growing up. But now that I’m 30, we’ve gotten a lot closer. It’s also nice to have older people to help out and ask adult questions that I don’t want to ask my parents, like where do I get an actually good repair quote for something, who did you use as a Realitor etc.

[u/JuulsMia12]

Hey OP, nothing really to add here but my little brother is 19 years younger than me. It was a shock but he's absolutely perfect and I love him more than life itself. It sounds like theres a lot of uncertainty rn but I just wanted to give you something to look forward to. 🫶

[u/vryvryberry]

my eldest brother is 19 years older than me, did i annoy him sometimes, yes (kind of the responsibility of the youngest kiddo lol), but i adored him growing up, he would take me out with him occasionally and as i got older i realised having such an age gap meant getting good advice, having another adult who could advocate and keep and eye on me, and it felt like having another parental figure. dont get me wrong it also meant someone else who would make fun of me during my cringey teenage phases and still to this day will joke about it, and would tell me off if i was being a little shite,but it wasn't all bad. i still have the pics of him carrying me around like a little dolly lol.

he told my mom that he wasn't sure her having another baby was a good idea, he was already an adult and still living at home, (hed also had a pregnancy scare with his at the time gf a few months prior) and he thought it would be really weird for my mom to have another child in her mid to late 40s but as soon as i was born he doted on me and told my mom it wasnt the choice he would make but it wasnt his choice to make and he was glad i was here and that she and my dad where happy.

youll be ok OP, you sound very reasonable and understanding and im sure if your mom does have the baby those qualities will make you a great big sister! just be there for her cause im sure right now she is scared too.

[u/PlopTheOwl]

My eldest sister is 18 years older than me, she was very resentful of my mom getting pregnant at 40 and those feelings have lingered for her, even though I'm in my mid-thirties now. I wish she saw me as her sister and not as cut of our mom's emotional resources, but she just can't let it go and we've never been close.

My second eldest sister, 15 years between us, acts like she's my second mom. We bicker, we go to cafes, we gossip about work and friends dispite our age gap. I love her and she is definitely my big sister.

Family is complicated, things can go either way.

[u/booknerd2024910]

I’m the oldest of four. My youngest brother is 21 years younger than me.

We were maybe not close when he was growing up but he’s close with my daughter (6 years younger than him). And now that he’s an adult and we have more in common I’d consider us pretty close. He’s at college now and when they were talking about which college he would go to I just remember panicking about if he picked one far away I’d miss him so much. he got into a great school nearby so we still see him as much as we used to (several times a week) but now he’s talking about studying abroad (which I’d be so happy for him to do) but I’m already knowing I’ll miss him for all those months he’s gone too.

I remember how weird I felt about it when my mom told me. And you can feel however you want to feel about it. But it doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom. It could end up being a great thing later on.

[u/dianacd12]

I am 23 years older than my brother, who is now 8. I love him so much and he spends 2 weeks out of the year with me and my husband. He is such a joy and he loves having older sisters. It is definitely different but it is so much fun ❤️

[u/bizchick]

I had a very similar situation and story to yours: I grew up with younger sisters who I helped to raise, and when I was 26, my mom, who was single and twice divorced at the time, informed us that she was pregnant, and the father was the man who would later become her 3rd husband. We were shocked and not super excited at the time.

The baby ended up being my little brother, who has added immense joy, laughter and so many new family memories and experiences that I would never want to give up.

It’s a little weird having an 8 year old brother at 34, but we have our own special bond, even though we haven’t spent all the time together that I spent with my sisters growing up & he’s one of my most favorite people.

The thing about kids is that they tend to bring people together (birthday celebrations, holidays are more special, a great reason to go to zoos and museums and see the magic through their eyes) & you may find that your family takes on a refreshing new culture.

All your feelings are totally understandable, and you may feel them develop or change naturally as things progress. You have plenty of time.

[u/BrookW00]

I’m fifteen years apart from my youngest brother. We do argue but he’s my broke bestie for sure! It helps I wasn’t parentified but I’m so thankful he’s in my life. It’s so fun to watch him grow and just spend time with him.

[u/Present_Many_5856]

my oldest sister is 40 my youngest is 21, full siblings. i see cute tik toks of adults with baby siblings, light can be made from almost any situation.

[u/Electrical_Sky5833]

My oldest and youngest are 19 years apart and are typical siblings lol.

[u/InflationFun3255]

Breathe. That’s it. Just let it sit. You have time to let it marinate. Of course it’s overwhelming right now. And that’s OK!

[u/0011010100110011]

No advice, I’m just really impressed with these comments 🤍

OP, I hope the best for you and your family!

[u/MckinneyMama5]

I’m 39 (just had a baby 7 weeks ago) and she turned out healthy and perfect. 41 definitely isn’t too old to have a baby. Also I’m 26 years older than my youngest sibling. He’s 13 now and awesome. You’ll be in auntie mode as a sister because of the age difference but it’s so much fun.

[u/WitchyBlueBun]

My sister is 16 years younger than me. My mom had her when I was in high school, totally unplanned. The rest if us siblings are one year apart from each other, give or take (think traditional, religious family where the church (low-key cult) tells you to birth as much offspring as possible). I was never close to my siblings growing up, but my little sister and I are best friends now and we're each other's Ride or Die.

It'll be okay. YOU will be okay, whether you develop a connection or not.

EDIT: grammatical corrections

[u/Pandagramma]

Wow, you just expressed in so many ways my extreme worries about what my kids would think/feel if I had had a baby with the man I fell in love with at 42, though my children were younger. All I can say is that a situation like this is very weird and I get where you are coming from. I decided not to have a child. I was wealthy so the financiall strain was not anything I had to think about, but the even without that, it is so much.

[u/IDontOnlineShop]

Grand opening, grand closing. I would be moving out shortly ✌️✌️

[u/SamiMoon]

That’s rough. I have a half sibling who is 20+ years younger than me and it is a weird situation to be in. I hope things work out for the best and that you don’t carry too much stress from this because it isn’t your burden to carry.

[u/Personal_Passenger60]

My oldest brother and I were 23 years apart, he moved in with my mom and I when I was little, we became very close and by the time I was a teenager we were best friends. I’m 40 and he’s still my favorite person that ever lived. My mom is an asshole however lol. I hope everything works out for your family!

[u/HyperbolicHyena]

My family has a couple of “oopsie” babies in our family. My grandma helped raise her little brother alongside her son (my uncle). Another cousin is 21 years older than her youngest sister. My other grandma called my dad the best mistake she ever made. As long as it’s always family first, it’s an incredible bond no matter the age gap. If things do come to fruition, I hope it works out as well for your family as it did for mine. And by the sounds of it, your family is strong and will do just fine! 💜

[u/DeathGirling]

Yikes, OP. Sending hugs. Your toast looks like it might be overreacting a tad 😬

[u/KristinKitty]

I know it's easier said than done but try not to worry about it. Things will fall into place. The baby could be a blessing to your family. I would try to support your mom during this time. Pregnancy can be scary when you are over 40. There's a higher risk of miscarriage and it's also a time when emotions are high, fatigue is extreme, and you feel sick often. I'm 41 and going through pregnancy currently as well and it's been a lot. Try to give your mom some grace.

[u/GirlDinnerDiaries-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

[See GDD Rules](www.reddit.com/r/GirlDinnerDiaries/wiki/gdd-rules/)

Mods try to put a pinned comment on the top of NO ADVICE flair posts when they're doozies, so we can do our Internet Auntie/Bestie/Big Sister/HypeWoman duties and speak up where we feel we must. This keeps OP (who isn't ready for advice) from getting allll those notifications, and saves them for her to return to when she's ready. Please use it!

[u/heckkyeahh]

does the toast have faces or am i imagining it

[u/Street-Ad-1244 → u/heckkyeahh]

yes! they're our jack'o grilled cheese!

[u/Disastrous_Dingo_309]

My mom and aunt are 21 years apart and they are besties. Good luck OP♥️

[u/TheFlowerDoula]

I really like the look of your toast. Is it grilled cheese? Yum.

[u/movingandquiet]

My last partner was a surprise, later in life baby, and his siblings were all teens, two of them had already moved away.

He lost his parents young, but what is wonderful is that he has three cool older siblings that feel like secondary parents, nieces and nephews that feel more like siblings or cousins. I’m glad that he has had them in his life long after his parents passed.

I hope that your mom has a safe and healthy pregnancy if she chooses to move forward with it, and if that’s the case, that you have a new person that you love and get to know for the rest of your life!

[u/Bassettoast]

The grilled cheese on the right looks pretty happy about it though….

[u/Certain-Scholar3026]

my sister is 15 years older than me and we’re pretty close, which is a big difference from what you’re dealing with but age gaps aren’t always the worst things

[u/gnomieebee]

There are 20 years between my oldest and youngest siblings. I'm 15 years younger than my oldest sister and we were not close at all as I was growing up (I can't remember a time before she moved out, or even much from before she was married and had kids of her own), but now that I am an adult we are very close. She was a mentor figure for me in my teen years and honestly I don't know how I would have survived without her guidance. Wishing you a fulfilling relationship with your new sibling, as odd as it is to get used to the idea.

[u/johnwaynegaysea]

I'm 19 years older than my youngest brother, it sucks.

[u/ReturnExtension5917]

My sister is 15 years older and my brother is 12 years older than me. My sister was my best friend growing up (and still is). She changed her whole college schedule (without my parents asking) around my preschool schedule to be able to pick me up, was always the one to go on my school field trips, she did a lot of things at will for me. Of course, not saying you should do the same, but from my perspective, it made our relationship much closer than had she used our age gap against us. I often spent my summers with her when she moved away when I got older, and they are still some of my favorite memories. My brother went off into the military after high school so we didn’t really form a relationship until a few years ago. He had my niece when I was 10. She’s now 17 and is like a little sister to me! I love both of my siblings deeply, and although it’s all I know, I still would not change our relationship. Sending you lots of love in whatever way this ends up for you all 🤍

[u/No_Jackfruit_9880]

I am 24 years older than my half sister. It’s definitely weird and we don’t have a lot of things in common at this stage of life (I’m 38 and she’s 14). Watching her grow up was a lot of fun though, and she’s great with my kids.

[u/Typical_Kitchen_9616]

My aunt, the oldest of my dad’s siblings, was 22, married, and had a 11.5 month old daughter when her mother gave birth to twins in 1968.

[u/SuddenWater456]

I am in almost the same situation, it’s so crazy. I am kind of shocked. Please message me if you need anything!

[u/TweedleDumDumDahDum]

This is not like advice, advice, but I would talk to your significant other because this is a major destabilization event as far as your home situation goes and I would also want to clarify if your Mom is anticipating that your partner who is still waiting on a work visa is gonna be the one taking care of the child while she goes out to try to work and stuff like that-this conversation with that said maybe one to be had further into the pregnancy than immediately.

I’m really sorry you’re going through that. It can feel really bizarre to suddenly become a sibling when you’re much older. It can be a really great experience for the baby, but I do think there needs to be a little consideration for your own feelings. Having a healthy place to get that out like the therapist is wonderful because it’ll help you sort through your emotions so you can communicate with your family-not necessarily from a resolved position-but from a position that’s less hot and raw.

[u/beccaboo790]

36f and I’m the baby baby. My older brothers are 18 and 20 years older than me so we didn’t grow up very close at all. In fact my oldest brother was out of the house and had joined the military 2 years before I was born! I felt like an only child most of my life, but now that I’m older, my middle brother and I are so close and have created a lovely relationship - he’s one of my best friends and has been an incredible support system and giver of advice. All this to say, hopefully in 15-ish years time, you can overcome the generational disconnect and have a really beautiful relationship with the new sibling.

[u/InsideOutClock]

My partner is 34– his youngest half sister is 3 and half brother is 6 (for added context, these siblings are from his father & father’s wife who is a bit younger than him). We definitely treat them more like nieces/nephews than siblings given the huge age gap. Given your living arrangements, it’s a lot to take in for all involved. Sending you peace & light in the hopes that it works out smoothly. Take care of yourself, OP.

[u/Bubble-Master96]

You sound like a gem of a daughter, your mum is lucky to have you

[u/Street-Ad-1244 → u/Bubble-Master96]

Like anyone, I am nowhere near a perfect daughter. I just hope that reading all of these comments and stories helps me find clarity to be there for my mom when she needs me while also giving me tools to step away when I need to.

[u/Working-Cranberry118]

My uncle fathered twins (!) at 67(!!!) and he already has a 26 year old daughter … it’ll be weird, it’ll be hard af, but as long as you’re all on the same side and communicate openlyyou should be okay. It’s going to be okay!

[u/Relevant-Hold-9677]

I have a half sister that’s 23 years younger than me. It’s I grew up an only child yeah I had stepsiblings but I didn’t get close with them. Now I have a sister who’s 12 and I’m 35. We live hours apart, see each other every 2-3 years and it’s just fucking awkward. I’m more of an “aunt” than a sister; whole situation is just weird.

[u/Secret_Garden1017]

No advice, just here to give “my” experience. My husband is older than his half siblings by 12 & 22 years. He barely knows them. The younger one thinks we are his aunt & uncle and that our son is his cousin (they’re only 5 years apart). It’s a little strange sometimes.