r/GirlDinnerDiaries • u/Typical_Mycologist80 LET ME EAT CAKE š° • Jul 28 '26
Trigger Warning ā ļø I Went to see a concert and something terrible happened
Snack Haul from the hotel before we went to the concert
I went to the EdSheeran concert on Saturday and I took my sister with me we had a fun time. I bought tickets last November. I've been a fan for a long time and ive been to like seven of his concerts over the years my dad took me to most of them. My dad said I should get a hotel this time and stay the night since we live over 3 hours from the venue. So I did and when I got back to the hotel the police called to inform me that my dad had fallen out of his wheelchair and passed away very unexpectedly alone in the street. I lived with him and was his full time care giver and now it feels like I went to the concert one person and came home another. I lost my dad, my job, and my housing all in one night and I feel like i dont know who I am anymore. I just wish I was with him when it happened. I was so far away. I wish I hadn't got those tickets and I dont know how to deal with this and stay strong for my siblings and right now I never want to hear another EdSheeran song ever again
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u/reddot_comic eat hot chipāļø be bisexualāļø Jul 28 '26 edited Jul 28 '26
I am so sorry. Itās not your fault and your dad wouldnāt want you to blame yourself. Take a breath and see if your dad had a will or plan for his passing. Reach out to local women shelters, not to stay but resources on how to navigate this through your community. Big hugs OP ā¤ļø
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u/DesireeThymes APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
It is something her dad wanted her to do. She needs to keep reminding herself that her dad wanted this for her.
I'm really sorry for her loss
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u/Absurd_Flaccidity Cleavage Crumb Collector Aug 08 '26
Iām so glad so many people are saying this. OP Iām so sorry for your loss but remember this as you go through the grieving process. Death comes for all of us and itās very hard not to ruminate on all the what ifs, but I guarantee your dad would never have wanted you to shut down your whole life on top of caring for him like you already were. Grieving is already hard enough without dwelling on thinking you are responsible for it when you are not.
Lean on whatever support system you have right now, and that includes support groups and/or therapy. Even if you donāt have a large support system, there are people ready to help (with grief but also your immediate concerns like housing.)
I lost my dad a few years ago and I encourage you to share happy memories of him with others who knew and loved him. Even journaling them. Just put pen to paper and see what comes out. Itās one of the most healing things we did.
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u/PrudentJellyfish9413 Feral Til Fed Jul 28 '26
Yes OP, sending you hugs!! Make sure you try and get in touch with a social worker, there might even be one available through his care agencies or they can connect you to one.Ā
This isnāt your fault at all.Ā
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u/Jasminez98 š¶ļø Spice Girl š¶ļø Jul 28 '26
This. He loved you enough to ensure that you are safe. Hugs. Don't blame yourself. Tap into any other resources such as family, church or even local charities. Wishing you the best.
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u/LookSad3044 Cleavage Crumb Collector Jul 28 '26
Your dad was happy for you to have a break and enjoy yourself. This was a tragic accident and while I understand you should not feel guilty. Your dad would not want that.
Sending hugs. I'm so sorry for your loss
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u/ghostingevery1 Kitchen Witch Jul 28 '26
Thissss
OP living your life to the fullest is everything your father would have wanted from you.. love and power to you.
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u/ihavethesetots Purveyor of Purse Snacks Jul 31 '26
Your Dad wanted you to go and have fun. With such a long commute back and forth I assure you he felt like you'd be safer staying than struggling to get home.
You can't stop the universe from deciding what is going to happen, I say this as someone that has insane levels of "I need to make sure everything is okay," but realistically that is not how things will happen.
Your Dad loves you and he would want you to enjoy your life, explore everyday, and live it to the fullest for him! <3
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u/StevieOfPhoenix Sweet Tooth Fairyš§āāļø Jul 28 '26
Oh honey, I am so sorry for your loss. Sending you one big internet hug. šĀ
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u/redhuntrez š Bitter Baddie š Jul 28 '26
Word for word, exactly what I was gonna post. I'll add that i hope you can rid yourself of any guilt. Were i in your dad's situation, there's no way in hell that I'd want my kid to miss an important event and should that be the moment i am meant to leave this mortal plane, I would be happy that my kid had enough love in their life and privilege to attend a concert they love
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u/WhispersOnMyNeck the secret ingredient is autismāØ Jul 28 '26
This.... there was no part of his mind that was angry at you for going, promise you that. He likely had the utmost love and respect for you and all you do for him. So sorry OP. š«¶ Sending all the love.
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u/Easy_snacks Hazy Grazer š¶āš«ļø Jul 28 '26
Agreed. Thereās nothing that makes a parent happier than knowing their kid is happy. May his memory be a blessing, OP.
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u/goodbyetrex nom nom, nod nod Jul 28 '26
Exactly this. My grandmother was my second mom and I loved her with my entire heart. She waited to pass away until I was 3000 miles away, visiting my brother. I feel strongly that she did this on purpose. She even interrupted a little moment where we tried to celebrate her by making it rain on us. ā„ļø
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u/charrismo Kid Crumbs Connoisseur Jul 28 '26
I had the exact same thought. My mom was very close to.my grandma. She was her.primary care giver. I was visiting my family (I live in another country) . My aunt was with my grandmom as my mom wanted to drop me off to the airport (4 hours away). That is when my grandma passed away. She waiting for my mom to leave. Every single person in the family said so too.
I'm so sorry I know its hard to not feel guilty but this is not your fault.
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u/Allthatandmore84 š» Girls' Room Guru š Jul 28 '26
I am a parent, and have some disability. I can totally confirm that what this person is saying is true. Your father wanted you to have this experience. He would be deeply sad ā crushed ā to think that you would feel responsible for his death and not want to hear your favorite artist again. Can you accept that it is true? Parents are delighted when their children are happy. So once you are a little further along in your grieving processā¦ I hope you know that when you are ready to listen to Ed Sheeran again it will actually be a connection to your father, every time. Painful as hell at first, but gradually it will be a way to connect to him through music.
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u/boredwhitetile APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
I lost my dad very unexpectedly and suddenly as well. It was 2 months before my wedding and he was going to walk me down the aisle and ofc have the father daughter dance. I almost cancelled the entire wedding but my cousin told me thatās not what my dad wouldāve wanted and he was right. Our dads would want us to carry on living. I know itās really tough right now but the waves of grief you feel will get further apart and eventually you wonāt feel like youāre drowning anymore. Itās been 8 years now since my dad passed and I really miss him a lot still but I think heād be really happy about the life Iāve built for myself. Solidarity OP.
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u/WingGlittering50 what that mouth do is snack Jul 28 '26
This made me tear up. Iām so sorry for your loss. I am absolutely certain he walked you down the aisle anyways, even if you couldnāt see him.
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u/SadEmphasis7262 APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
Yeah. I get you. Many moons ago my dad had been sick with a chronic and fatal disease. Back and forth in and out of the hospital. He was supposed to get home the next day so a sibling and I went to see Metallica in a town about 1.5 hrs away. When we got back to the apartment there was a car in the lot. It was some cousins. Dad had passed very suddenly and sorta unexpectedly. I canāt stand Metallica since that day. Not their fault, just donāt want to hear it. Itās an instant change the radio dial. Donāt feel bad, tho. There was nothing you could have done. Sometimes things just happen in strange ways.
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u/DJKittyK APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
I think sometimes they wait to pass away until their loved ones go elsewhere on purpose to spare them the pain of seeing them pass.
My ExH's grandpa did that. We were visiting him in the hospital, assisting him with things and just chatting with him. He was probably dying of cancer but was holding on pretty well so we weren't sure. He seemed rested and content for the most part. He was very interested in making sure the hospital gave us his things. My ExH and I were the last family he had, and we didn't want him being alone.
We hadn't eaten all day, and he encouraged us to go to dinner, even though we weren't sure we should leave him. Sure enough, while we were at the restaurant we got the call that he passed away. Crafty old devil, he seemed tired but fine when we left. That's love for you, I guess.
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u/AmatheiaLuna Cleavage Crumb Collector Jul 28 '26
My grandpa did this too. My mom stayed at the hospital all night. Only left his room once to get coffee and thatās when he officially passed. She said she couldāve sworn she could hear him laughing when she walked back in his room
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u/AgnesOfBroadway Internet Auntie Jul 28 '26
I know someone who stayed up until 4 AM at his MIL's bedside so she wouldn't have to die alone. Pretty much as soon as he got home, he got the phone call. It was as if she were waiting for him to leave.
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u/tesslouise Feral Til Fed Jul 28 '26
My mother-in-law left the house only to pick up a prescription for my father-in-law, and he passed while she was gone. The pharmacy was literally five minutes away. He wasn't actively dying, either (hence the prescription) -- he had a heart attack.
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u/istanforwendy Foraging Bog Witch Jul 28 '26
Exact same story happened to my neighbor. He had been treated for pneumonia and he had a heart attack while she was getting his prescription.
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u/Over-Inspector-7376 fish are friends š not food Jul 28 '26
When my mom was in hospice the hospice nurse said that is common for people to wait till they are alone to pass.
My mom had to prove her wrong by waiting till all of her kids were in the room with her.
My heart goes out to you OP. The death of a loved one is heartbreaking. Be gentle with yourself.
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u/ChaucersDuchess Well-Read & Well-Fed Jul 28 '26
My grandma did that, and my dad did as well.
Well, my dad passed faster than he planned to, my mom was driving him to the hospital for bloodwork when he lost consciousness and he didnāt pass until he knew, I think, that he was in the hospital. He had been sick for the last 18 months from CKD (that he hid from even my mom and myself; the cellulitis induced edema was a convenient copycat symptom to mask what else was happening).
I had called 4 hours earlier and he sounded the best he had in months and told me he loved me and to tell my daughter that he loved her - something he never explicitly instructed. And he knew he was dying soon (Mom figured it out a few days before and also knew), because he was determined to leave the house. They both wanted me and my daughter to enjoy things without it over our heads.
I really hope OP can take comfort in that one day, that her father wanted her to be happy.
OP, I am so sorry for your loss.
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u/Sudden-Ad5555 Feral Til Fed Jul 28 '26
My mom did it to me! Pain in the butt, that lady was lol. I was her caretaker at the end, 24/7. She was not one of those people who was going to go peacefully. She was a skeleton on enough meds to put down an elephant and would keep getting up and falling. She wanted to pass at home, but at the end, I had to have her transferred to the hospital. It just wasnāt safe for either of us. The day she died, I was at the hospital all morning, and I had about 2.5 hours in the afternoon where I had no childcare, so I had to sit with my kids for a bit until my husband got home. My mom died smack dab in the middle of that 2.5 hours. I was heartbroken. I was supposed to be with her. The nurse that was with her told me, honey, she didnāt want you here. I knew it was coming and I said to the other nurse I was going to call you, and your mom passed within minutes of me saying it. I couldnāt even leave the room to get to the phone. She told me it happens all the time. Even when theyāre actively going, even when you think they canāt possibly have any concept of who is and isnāt there, they know. Whatever part of her that still was conscious, knew I had been through so much those final weeks and I didnāt need to see that part. It is very common, even though it hurts.
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u/MomentOfSurrender88 APPROVEDāØ Jul 29 '26
I agree. I know with my mom she often told me how hard it was to watch her mom dying slowly over months. She also would encourage us kids to let her rest while in the hospital and not visit her as often for that reason. She also was afraid of dying at home. Because I cared for her and my father, I was with them nearly all the time, so I think she was afraid of myself or my siblings or my dad witnessing her dying.
Mom was conscious but in distress when they loaded her into the ambulance that day. It was during the peak of covid so no one was allowed to ride in the ambulance with her. I thought for sure that I'd visit her later that day and that she was having a panic attack. I found out a couple hours later that she went into cardiac arrest 5 minutes away from our house and despite extensive attempts, she passed away that morning. I'm positive that if she had to die, this was how she wanted to go--quickly and without her family witnessing it.
OP, I think maybe your dad knew he was coming to the end or at the very least, he wanted you to have some time to enjoy yourself because of all the sacrifices you made in caring for him. He wanted you to be happy and have a good time.
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u/meganxxmac pants unbuttoned š Jul 29 '26
Similar thing happened with my grandpa. He was on hospice at home and my parents knew the end was near so they had been awake with him over 24 hours keeping him comfortable. The second they dozed off for a bit he passed away.
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u/False-Philosophy-401 APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
As a former hospice chaplain, I can anecdotally confirm all the comments here- this is very regularly something that I sawā¦ especially when there is such a close connection. Folks often feel like they need permission to die, whether from themselves or the ones they love.
Thatās how strong love is. It can literally keep a person alive, even beyond their comfort or abilityā¦ sweet internet friends be kind to yourselves todayā¦ š
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u/Stressedmama58 Purveyor of Purse Snacks Jul 28 '26
When my dad was dying, he went home in the care of hospice. I stayed with my mom so she wouldn't have to deal with it alone. I truly believe that some people wait till someone tells them it's okay to go. So I went in and said to him, listen Dad. I know you're ready to go, and it's okay. You know I'll take care of Mom. I promise. When we left the room to eat dinner, even though we weren't really hungry, he passed away. We both had a feeling while we were trying to eat, too.
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u/False-Philosophy-401 APPROVEDāØ Jul 29 '26
Thank you so much for sharing your storyā¦ you are so brave and a great kid for showing him that witness in the moment. š«¶
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u/Divisive_Cupcake APPROVEDāØ Jul 29 '26
Confirming this as a former hospice nurse. I can't even count how many patients I had who died while alone, even for 5 minutes. Sometimes it felt like they knew it was time, but they didn't want their loved one(s) to have to see the actual moment. So sorry for your loss, OP.
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u/CozyGamingLibrarian šThe Very Hungry Bookworm š Jul 28 '26
That was my first thought when reading this. I get the feeling that he knew his time was coming and wanted her out of the house and doing something positive when it happened.
I strongly wonder if he went out into the street so that someone else would find him instead of her coming home to find him.
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u/Ramenpucci Sweet Tooth Fairyš§āāļø Jul 30 '26
I have a friend whoās a post office worker. Sheās 62. She tells me when itās your time, itās your time. You donāt have any control over when you go.
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u/Aggressive_Oven_3957 Cornbread Fed Jul 28 '26
I wish I could give you a hug. Iām so sorry for your loss. Please resist the temptation to blame yourself. Your father wanted you to have the night off and be happy. This is no oneās fault, itās just a horrible accident. I wish you all the love and I give you my deepest condolences.
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u/animeandbeauty Kid Crumbs Connoisseur Jul 28 '26
Just remember, your dad wanted you to go have fun. He loved you and it's obvious you loved him. I'm so sorry this happened.
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u/elecow š„ Herbivore š« Jul 28 '26
Blaming ourselves give us a sense of control, some power in a way. Then the fault will hit, don't let it. You weren't responsible of this tragedy. You were loved and deserved to be happy and enjoy
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u/thedonnerparty13 Pantry Gremlin Jul 28 '26
This gave me goosebumps. Iāve never thought of blame like that.
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u/mamadovah1102 š¶ļø Spice Girl š¶ļø Jul 28 '26
Iām just so sorry friend. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Do NOT listen to the mental gymnastics going on in your head trying to make this your fault. Itās human to try and place blame but most times there truly isnāt any. Your dad wanted you to have fun that night, and I can guarantee that means he would want you to continue that endeavor in every step you take forward from here. Grief is love continuing on and transcending us. Do you have a close support system?
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u/Global_Staff_3135 š©µšāāļøš Jul 28 '26
If your father loved you, and I have to imagine he did (why else would you care for him so?), then trust me when I say he was happy knowing you were enjoying the concert. Condolences, OP!
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u/stryker_cast Sugar, Spice & Not Very Nice š Jul 28 '26 edited Jul 28 '26
Your dad will love you were having fun. That's the function of being a good parent.
Now go honor him as needed.
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u/Consistent_Elk9676 APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
Hugs. Iām a mom and I would never want my adult daughter to feel guilty if something happened to me. He wanted you to be safe, and it is likely that is nothing you could have done to prevent him passing.
It is normal to feel bad but try to separate feeling sad from feeling responsible, which you werenāt.
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u/FluidAir1184 hot girls have tummy troubles Jul 28 '26
I'm so sorry for your loss Hun. I lost my father suddenly and it sticks with you for life, that's for sure. You were doing something that ya'll did together and he knows how much you do for him and if he took you to 7 Ed Sherran concerts, he did that for you. He wanted you to have a break and enjoy this fun night. You know how happy his heart was that his girls were having a great time. That filled his heart with so much love and happiness. I'm crying as I type because there never are any words to make easier. Always remember how much he loves you and you don't have to be strong all the time. Let it out,cry, vent, listen to his favorite Ed Sherran song. Giving you the biggest and warmest hugs. š
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u/Odd_Beginning536 APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
Oh my gosh Iām so incredibly sorry. You are NOT to blame and I know it feels crazy. It did when my dad passed away when I was younger. I wish I could give you a hug. I wish I could make it feel less awful. You are still you, breathe please. Itās so overwhelming right now. Are you with anyone? A friend or relative? Just take a moment and breathe and then call your person. Or people. Iām really so sorry and know loss too. Love to you, I know Iām an internet stranger but sending it anyways.
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u/Mad_Madrone_99 girls just wanna have pho Jul 28 '26
it's not your fault he died. i know the pain is probably excruciating and all-consuming right now, but please know you cared for him and helped him while he was alive. and his last act was caring for you by urging you to stay in the hotel while you did something fun. that's not a failure on your part, but a healthy relationship.
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Jul 28 '26
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u/Pickled-Carrot-75 Internet Auntie Jul 29 '26
This is 100% true. We were caring for my spouse's mom through a terminal illness. Someone was always with her. But she waited until we had all left the bedside for bathroom, etc. and passed peacefully alone. The hospice nurse had told us "she's going to wait until you're not there." It's the last act of protection a parent can give.
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u/acellolover Cleavage Crumb Collector Jul 28 '26
Please, show kindness to yourself, honor your dad in whatever way feels best, and know we are all so sorry this happened!
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u/_Sighhhhh š¶ļø Spice Girl š¶ļø Jul 28 '26
Patients die in the best hospitals where theyāre being monitored 24/7, this is not your fault girl
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u/bellegroves Kitchen Witch Jul 28 '26
I am so sorry.
I was nearby when my FIL passed suddenly; we were living above his garage at the time and we were home when he passed and left without realizing and then MIL called and we came straight home. The proximity didn't give us final moments with him and I went through a similar feeling of frustration and regret even though there really wasn't anything I could have done differently.
So anyway, don't be too hard on yourself and try to stop thinking about how you weren't there, even though it seems impossible. Focus on all the things you loved about your dad.
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u/Icy_Anxiety3092 APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
I am so so sorry. How awful. It does feel like your dad didnāt want you to have to witness the full-on trauma of seeing him pass (though I know this is still very traumatic all the same). Iām not saying he knew this would happen, but these coincidences seem so frequent when loved ones pass. My mum cared for her own mum at the end of her life. She was living with her mum full time, but went home to have a bath and a rest at the familyās insistence and that was when her mum passed. I know other stories like this, and I am sharing because I donāt want you to have any guilt whatsoever. ā¤ļø
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u/nothanksthesequel Sweet Tooth Fairyš§āāļø Jul 28 '26
oh baby i am so sorry.
please know this was a terrible accident. there were no signs from the universe that you missed, no warnings that another person may have noticed. you don't have to be strong for your siblings, it's okay to be vulnerable and feel any emotion you need to - it shows them that they're allowed to grieve openly too. reach out to any public services or programs that may help your family right now. i wish you lived nearby so i could make you all dinner. i am so very sorry this happened.
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u/damiana8 APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
I lost my father suddenly, too, and I also blamed myself. I know, though, that my dad wouldnāt have wanted me to because it wasnāt my fault
Our fathers would only ever want us to be happy
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u/Swimming-Maize-5554 APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
I am so very sorry for your loss. I understand your feelings, I hope in time you can come to realize that you bear no wrong in the fact that you were not with him when he passed. Iāve been through something similar in that our grandmother lived with us and on my 20th birthday, while my parents were traveling, she passed following dinner. My mother felt guilty for not being there, but she finally came to realize that you cannot live your life watching for someone to possibly die on the Hope that you would be there before it happened. No one can live their life watching someone like that.
I sincerely believe that your father was happy for you that you had gone to this concert, happy that you took his advice and spent the night at a hotel with your sister to see a concert that you very much wanted to see. Even if you never see another Ed Sheeran concert Iāll listen to another song, I would wager that your father was happy that you went to this one.
I hope in the fullness of time that you can move beyond your feeling of guilt, which is so closely tied to your feeling of grief. Thereās even an expression for this and itās called survivors guilt, you and all other survivors have nothing to feel guilty about. Hopefully you will come to realize that and be able to move on with your life the way your father would want you to.symathy hugs.
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u/Mysterious-Ebb4684 š„ Voracious Vegan š½ Jul 28 '26
Iām so sorry! š¢ You were his hero by being his caretaker, please donāt forget that. Big big hugs.
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u/Neener216 Internet Auntie Jul 28 '26
When your whole world blows up in a day, it's completely normal and valid to feel lost and disoriented and angry and sad. Add to that mountain the feeling of guilt for not being there when someone you love left this place, particularly while you were doing something lighthearted and fun, and it's understandable that you're also tempted to beat yourself up over it all.
Please listen to me. I was my father's caregiver for eight years before he passed away. He was the best of fathers, and while I was honored to be the one looking after him, it was a very stressful time for me as I was also working and raising my own child. My dad used to beg me to take some money from him and go do something that brought me purely selfish pleasure or even just buy myself something silly and impractical and fun, but I never did. I know that made him sad. I realize in retrospect that my not taking him up on his offer was denying him the chance to feel good about taking care of ME, and of giving me something in return for what I was giving him.
Your dad was so lucky to have you taking care of him, and he knew it. Even the kindest professional caretaker can't do the job with the same level of love in their heart that you provided, because your father was special to you in ways he could never be special to them.
None of us can prevent death. It will come on its own schedule, which none of us know. We may think we're prepared for it when it comes for a loved one, but we never are, and we never could be.
You were there for the most important parts, every day, when he needed you most. I'm also positive that if he could speak to you right now, he'd tell you he loves you and is so grateful to have had you by his side for all of those days. He needed no help to leave; the leaving is a job each of us does alone, even when the room is full of other people.
I'm sure he'd also want you to focus on making sure you're okay now. Please direct all the love and concern you gave to him toward yourself, and do whatever you can to find comfort and peace ā¤ļø
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u/AppreciativeTeacher APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
I'm so sorry. This is not your fault. Your Dad would never blame you. Please seek therapy when you're ready.
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u/Hoektje šØ I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside š Jul 28 '26
Im so sorry for your lossššš
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u/Slysparrow9 girls just wanna have pho Jul 28 '26
I am so sorry for your loss. As hard as it is right now, everything will work out, just keep your head up. Easier said than done, I know, but you owe it to yourself. As for your dad, he clearly loves you very very much. He wanted you to be able to have a night of carefree. No one could have anticipated that tragic accident and it is no fault of yours. I'm sure he wouldn't want that memory of Ed sheerans music to drown out all the good memories of Ed sheerans music with him. It hurts and it will hurt, for a long time and you don't always have to be strong for everyone else. Take your time, give yourself grace and always remember your dad loves you. Their bodies may leave us but they are never truly gone. They live in our hearts, memories and live on in the love we share with others. cyberhugs š
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u/LaceBear mouth full, gesturing wildly Jul 28 '26
I am so sorry for your loss. Try not to beat yourself up too much because thats a cruel demon whispering in your ear trying to corrupt your grief into a monster. Although I know its disgustingly hard and wish I could just kick it out for you, so you could grieve in peace.
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u/TartAppl3 Thick Thighs ā³ Thin Patience Jul 28 '26
I am so sorry for your loss. It's tempting to punish yourself, but it's not your fault, and your dad would not want that. It'll take time to find your way again. It'll take time to grieve. It's not linear. Just try not to close yourself off to companionment, support, love and joy. Your dad loved you and wanted you to have a happy life. Hang onto the good moments. I wish you luck.
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u/Oystermama hot girls have tummy troubles Jul 28 '26
Im so sorry for your loss. Your dad wanted you to stay and get a hotel, he was happy you did. Please know he loves you and is with you always.
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u/mom_bombadill APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
Oh my gosh when I read this I had to stop and stare at the wall for a little. I am just so terribly sorry. I wish I had words of wisdom but please know that weāre all sending you love and support.
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u/GoldenGardenn š» Girls' Room Guru š Jul 28 '26
I heard from someone who had come back from a coma that he could see his family lamenting for him, even though he was unconscious physically, and that was very painful for him to watch. He said he would much rather people celebrate his life when he actually goes rather than get hung up on the circumstances of his death.
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u/ScriptsAndStones324 FREE MOM HUGS Jul 28 '26
Oh you sweet girl. Iām so sorry this happened to you and your sister. As a mom, I would never want my children to carry this guilt, and Iām confident your dad was so thrilled for you to go do something fun and enjoy yourself. What a tragic thing that happened. I hope you find peace and your love for Ed Sheeran again, especially since you and your dad shared memories of those concerts together. Sending a big internet mom hug.
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u/hxcbimbo APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
So so sorry OP. Everything you are feeling is valid but there is just no way you could have known. Be easy with yourself as best as you canĀ
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u/FreedomOfTheMess APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
Everybody here who says it isnāt your fault are correct- nobody couldāve foreseen what happened while you were away. Everyone deserves to go to concerts and parties without the guilt or trauma of losing a loved one. This feeling youāre feeling isnāt forever- please be patient and say it out loud, āItās not my fault.ā As many times as it takes.
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u/Lets-B-Lets-B-Jolly APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
My mom had gotten out of the hospital from pneumonia and been released to rehab. She started breathing more badly. I was there while the doctor and hospice evaluated her.
Hospice said she was doing too well to admit and doctor seemed to think they were right. That night my husband and I took our boys to a ball game whose tickets we had bought weeks before. My sister visited mom while we did and said nothing had changed.
The next day I was off work and slept in while everyone else wasn't home (school, work, etc.) My phone died and I wasn't awake to notice. My sister had her phone off at her job too. Apparently Mom suddenly took a turn for the worst. By the time my sister and I checked our phones it was afternoon, and we had a ton of messages. Nurses didn't call our spouses or any other contacts for some reason.
By the time either of us got there, she was gone. I'm still mad at myself for not having my phone on. I wonder what would have been different if I hadn't been tired from night before, or if I had been awake and working. It still kills me that we had spent weeks in the hospital with her then not been there at the end. But I've had to accept it and my therapist is trying to help me work through it.
OP, your dad likely didn't want to bother you that night because he wanted to give you the gift of a little time. I'm sure he knew you would have been there if you could. He would want you to find a new life and future for yourself now.
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u/CarpetScary684 APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
Honey Iām so sorry. I want you to understand that your daddy was so happy that his girls were enjoying themselves doing the thing that you two had done. Never forget that he would never want you to feel bad. I know that right now it doesnāt feel like the universe has your back but I promise that this unfortunate situation as much as it is hurting you right now was exactly what was supposed to happen. Your dad would have never wanted you to find him . He will always surround you with his love no matter where he is. His love will always be your strength. Sending you hugs and strength.
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u/IndependenceNo4501 APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
I'm so sorry sweetheart, it must be such a shock. I'm sending you so much love and support right now.
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u/Ok-Trainer3150 š new here Jul 28 '26
Oh my goodness. All I could think of was that your dad wanted you to go there. And he wanted you to stay in a hotel. He knew ...maybe not consciously ...but he knew in one level and wanted to doare you and your sister. I've heard that the dying 'wait' and your dad did knowing that you were somewhere that the two of you had previously shared.
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u/Ok-Benefit197 APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
I am so so sorry for your loss, none of what happened is your fault.Ā
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u/Puzzleheaded-Tie5857 i like eggs Jul 28 '26
My heart breaks for you. There will never be enough words or the right words to ever be able to really communicate the loss of your hero and protector. Your mind is going to be spinning and youāll be replaying every way things could have turned out differently. But he doesnāt want that for you. All he wants is for you to know he loves you, he is incredibly proud of you, and he will always be watching over you. You are so loved. I am so very sorry for your loss.
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u/BbwLaceyXoXo š¦ Gossipy Goth ā°ļø Jul 28 '26
i am so sorry for your loss babe. please give yourself some grace. āš½ & ā¤ļø
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u/jeannethebean Foraging Bog Witch Jul 28 '26
Iām so sorry for your loss. Try to be gentle with yourself. I know thatās hard, especially right now, but your dad wouldnāt want you to feel guilty. It sounds like he wanted you to go out and have fun and be safe. Sending you lots of love and internet hugs š«
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u/Academic_Gas_9918 Overthinker š Jul 28 '26
Im sorry for your loss, the grief doesnāt get any easier, and youāll find that no one has the right thing to say, and itās because there really isnāt anything right to say here. In between all the condolences youāll receive, remember itās all from feeling for you and your loss, even those who donāt know what to say. People are here for you for this difficult moment and for how it changes you
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u/shebringsthesun Ranch Evangelist Jul 28 '26
Oh my god. Iām so deeply sorry. Thereās nothing anyone can truly do to make you feel better, but please try to take solace in this is something he really wanted you to do. I wish I could give you a hug.
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u/ourlittlevisionary Body By Cheese š§ Jul 28 '26
I am so sorry for your loss. Maybe right now you donāt feel like listening to an Ed Sheeran song, but you might in the future. It might be something that will help you feel close to him, since he took you to many of the concerts. I lost my mom six years ago and sometimes listening to Cher (her favorite artist) makes me feel better, especially when Iāve been very sad and missing her.
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u/EmmalouEsq Hazy Grazer š¶āš«ļø Jul 28 '26
I lost my dad suddenly when I was halfway around the world. I felt helpless and lost. That was 3 years ago.
Your dad wanted you to be out and have a night of fun. He was happy about that and happy for you both having bonding sister time.
That's how parents are. We want our kids to be happy all the time, especially since it was something special to you both.
Being a caregiver is hard work and he recognized that, too. He appreciated you and wanted you to have a night out just feeling the vibes.
Lean into your village, whoever you have for support. Feel what you need to feel and see a professional if you think you need to. It might not feel like it, but you will get through this, it's a process.
All I can offer you besides this advice is a 45 year old mother's hug across the internet.
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u/ohlilbare Hazy Grazer š¶āš«ļø Jul 28 '26
Oh OP, I am SO sorry for your loss, that is quite the gut punch. It was absolutely not your fault, he wanted you to go and have an evening to yourself to not stress about driving, he would not hold this against you I promise! But that is absolutely painful nonetheless, Iām hoping for peace and healing for you and yours. Youāre strong OP, Iām so sorry you have to handle this.
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u/Internal_Video_9861 Hazy Grazer š¶āš«ļø Jul 28 '26
I am so so sorry. I had a similar thing happen with my beloved MIL, we were on vacation in Iceland and went to the Blue Lagoon, she really wanted us to go even though she didnāt feel like it. She ended up falling and died, alone :( it eats me up. I hate that weāre in this club, but youāre not alone!
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u/Miss_Rue_ LET ME EAT CAKE š° Jul 28 '26
I grew up with a dad in a wheelchair, I absolutely understand why you feel the way you do. From one kid of a disabled dad to another, you did nothing wrong and I KNOW your dad doesn't blame you. My dad was a right mean bastard (who I loved dearly) and I know if it was him in that situation he'd be glad I wasn't there and that I was having a moment to be a "regular" person.
There's so much of the little things in life we miss out on being a caretaker, people don't realize how small the world is even today for people in wheelchairs and how that impacts their, and their family's, quality of life. I am so so sorry that a small normal evening for you has been colored with this guilt.
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u/Raining-Diamond nom nom, nod nod Jul 28 '26
As another commenter said, I think our loved ones wait until weāre not around to finally let go, to spare us the pain
A few years back my brother was in the hospital for liver/kidney failure and was officially on hospice. My parents would drive a few hours to visit him every couple days. One day when they were getting ready to leave after staying with him for a weekend, about 20 minutes after they left the hospital they got the call he suddenly passed away. They immediately turned back around and went back to officially say goodbye to him.
I truly believe my brother did not want our dad to watch him pass away
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u/BigFen3445 Tiny Bodega Rat š Jul 29 '26
This is one of the most heartbreaking posts Iāve read on Reddit.
Iām so, so sorry.
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u/winterfyre85 Kid Crumbs Connoisseur Aug 01 '26
Hey OP, when I was 25 I was in Europe backpacking for 2 months. During my trip (Less than halfway into it) my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He decided not to tell me until I got home as he knew I would cut my trip short to be home with him. He passed 2 months after I got home. I was upset at first since I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible before he passed but he wanted me to live my life and enjoy it before it all fell apart.
Your dad would not want you to feel guilty. He wanted you to go and have a great time. Accidents happen and itās no oneās fault. Best of luck OP. And Iām so sorry for your loss.
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u/JeepSmash Hazy Grazer š¶āš«ļø Jul 28 '26
If you were your dadās full time caregiver, who was on duty when he was alone in the street in his wheelchair?
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u/welllookwhoitis40 Trader Joe Hoe Jul 28 '26
This fucking sucks. No way around it. Sending you strength š day by day.
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u/hotdogwatrrr š Bitter Baddie š Jul 28 '26
I am so sorry. Your father moved on knowing how hardworking you were, knew you were having a great time, & were safe. Please donāt ever blame yourself for this, everything will work out with time. Donāt hesitate to reach out to others for help if needed!
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u/anne-shirley-temple APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
Love, your Dad was so happy you had an excellent experience with an artist you loved. I can only hope you donāt hold this experience against your love for your father. Please seek professional help to guide you through your grief process. Its a long and bumpy process. And I empathize with the loss of a father; after 5 years I still want to reach out to my dad.
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u/BrewedSunlight Internet Auntie Jul 28 '26
OP, Iām so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. Please give yourself grace and try not to carry the weight of blame. You made the best decision you could with the information you had at the time, and no one could have known this would be the outcome. I truly believe your father would want you to be kind to yourself, not burdened by guilt. Sending you so much love and comfort during this incredibly difficult time. ā¤ļø
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u/---khaleesi-- Barbecutie Jul 28 '26
Omg OP please don't blame yourself. I'm sure your dad doesn't want you to think that it's your fault. This was entirely an accident. I know it hurts. Sending hugs ā¤ļøā¤ļø
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u/boredblondie16 Savory Complexāļø Jul 28 '26
iām so sorry. try not to feel guilty or bad for going, it seems like itās what your dad wanted for you.
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u/Competitive_Pear_834 APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
Oh my goodness š„¹š„¹š„¹
Iām so sorry for your loss
May his soul rest in peace ā¤ļø
Sending warm hugs your way
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u/CoopLoop32 I ā¤ļø Other People's Business Jul 28 '26
There are no words for this. I am so very sorry for your loss. Try not to blame yourself and give yourself time to grieve.
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u/curious_ANcuriouser APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
I hope you get to see this because you should know that everything happens for a reason. It was meant to be for you to be gone that night. The last memory of your dad shouldnāt be of him passing away but of all the good times you both shared together. You both were there for each other. And you could possibly still have a job. Caretakerās are always in high demand
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u/Such-Ad-2918 Let The š„ Jul 28 '26
Iām so sorry to hear this OP. I fear this everyday as I love my dad dearly.
I donāt have words but I send you all my sympathies. To shed some light, I am here to offer just a safe space for you. Feel free to DM me if you need someone to talk to or just virtually around.
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u/ananyapandaysuprmacy I ā¤ļø Other People's Business Jul 28 '26
Iām so sorry
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u/DoItFearful For the Girls š Jul 28 '26
i am so, so sorry. that is incredibly challenging on so many levels. please be as kind to yourself as you can right now. this is going to be a crazy journey will make it through.
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u/Mollusk-On-Fire Live, Laugh, Lumpia ā¤ļø Jul 28 '26
It is not your fault š©µ your dad would have wanted you to know this. In tough times, just thinking of our loved ones - even if they are not physically near - gives us comfort and reminds us we are not alone.
I hope you find a little respite remembering that in his last moments, he likely remembered your care and love for him, so that even from afar, you were a source of comfort in a scary situation. Your love for him was not lost. Sending deepest condolences, hugs, and encouragement.
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u/uninhibited_virago Well-Read & Well-Fed Jul 28 '26
OP, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss, but PLEASE do not blame yourself for your dadās death. You sound like an incredible daughter and I know your dad is grateful for all you did for him and would be so happy ti know that you got to enjoy some time for yourself. Sending you so much love!!!
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u/saucycita Hazy Grazer š¶āš«ļø Jul 28 '26
Oh honey Iām so sorry I am literally in tears for you right now. Sending you so much love.
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u/Business-Ad-4708 APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
This just made my heart absolutely drop. I am so so so sorry and sending sooo much love as a stranger on the internet. Big big hugs
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u/DoubleD_Dabs APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
I'm sorry. That's horrible timing. My Dad also died unexpectedly, just a couple days before Christmas last year. But I was not his caretaker so I can only imagine how not being there has affected you. Sending love. <3
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u/Badger_Solomon nom-nom-nombinary Jul 28 '26
I took care of my girlfriend who was chronically ill. We had a bad fight over something stupid and I decided I needed a break. A week later I found out she had a bad seizure and didn't make it. For months I agonised over the idea that I could have saved her, that it was somehow my fault. I still do, in a way.
Even if you don't believe it when people tell you it's not your fault just tell it to yourself. Every time you blame yourself remember that it is not your fault. Nobody could have known or prepared for what happened, therefore it is nobody's fault
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u/barefootcuntessa_ hot girls have tummy troubles Jul 28 '26
Oh honey, I have no words. I canāt imagine what youāre going through right now. Iām so, so sorry for your loss. Iām sure the last years have been difficult for you as well, caregiving is rewarding and gives you precious time with your loved ones but it is very taxing in ways both big and small as well. My heart goes out to you and your family.
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u/ChanceSouth5008 š½ aliens built the food pyramid š½ Jul 28 '26
First of all this is a traumatic event that effects your most basic feelings of security-- the full grieving can come later but are you safe? I hope you have some other family or friends that can provide a housing and a haven while you figure out what your next steps are. I'm so sorry this happened, but what your dad would want most for you right now is for you to be okay in his absence. You did so good for him, and you could not be there 100% of the time.
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u/mooncarr0t APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
So sorry for your loss ā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø
While itās not the same situation, my dad died alone and suddenly while I was out at a concert. I no longer lived with him but the guilt of being out and having a good time while he was just like.. dead on the sofa alone til he was found in the morning was horrible.
Donāt feel guilty, he would have wanted you to be having a good time and living your life.
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u/Ferretyfingers Snack Goblin Jul 28 '26
Your dad wanted you to live your life, not always be tied to him. You deserve rest and fun as well as duty after all. Itās shitty that this happened and there is no way you could have known, but I understand how awful it must feel.
Iām so sorry for your loss. ā¤ļø
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u/OldSpiceSmellsNice Sugar, Spice & Not Very Nice š Jul 28 '26
I am so sorry for your loss. How tragic, please donāt blame yourself, we have no idea what the future holds, how can we predict what could possibly happen. I struggle with feelings of guilt regarding my parentsā passing, too, itās an awful feeling. Sending you love and support ā¤ļøāš©¹ā¤ļøāš©¹
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u/SammichFan we listen and we only judge a little Jul 28 '26
Big hugs from me, what a terrible thing to go through, I'm so sorry. Please don't be too hard on yourself, neither one of you would've known that was going to happen. š
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u/psychedelicparsley APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
Hon, thatās heartbreaking, and devastating.
The thing is, you could have been home, and still not have known what was happening to him in the street until you received a notification. Youāre in a very natural shocked reactive state right now and thereās a natural reaction to overthink about your fatherās last moments as if you could somehow change them, when you may not have been able to change them if you were there.
Try to go easy on yourself if you possibly can. You canāt change what has already happened in the past by dwelling obsessively on that moment. (I say this as someone who has done this, and it took me a very very long time to recognize that it did absolutely no one any good.)
It may help you to get some sleeping pills for a while if you can. Even generic Benadryl to help you sleep. Donāt get the ones with Tylenol or cold syrup unless you need those ingredients itās just bad for your liver. If you can, get a short term prescription for Ativan from a doctor just to get you through the first week.
Your father would be happy you went to the concert. But itās easy to understand what a blow this is. I send much love and sympathy š
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u/withinstars Jul 28 '26
My dad passed away after being ill for a long time, and I spent most of the day away on what ended up being his last day at home. Iāve felt guilty for over a decade now even though I know he wouldnāt have wanted that. Please be kind to yourself, it wasnāt your fault at all.
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u/cooky_2610 Femininom(nomnomnom)enon Jul 28 '26
Iām so sorry for your loss š« sending you strength to get through this.
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u/WesternWitchy52 Well-Read & Well-Fed Jul 28 '26
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm 50 and lost my dad 2 years ago. Please don't blame yourself.
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u/nobeefforme APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
Iām really terribly sorry. Losing a parent isā¦ indescribable.
For my entire life, Iāve hated sleeping away from home. This includes family/friends houses, hotels, airbnbs, whatever. I hate sleeping away from my home.
My husband and I were actually headed to see my parents on vacation when we stopped to spend the night halfway at an Airbnb. I got a call from my sister telling my our mom suddenly died at the vacation house my parents were staying in. Itās like I entered the Airbnb one person, and left a different person.
Canāt help but wonder if all my life, there was some ominous omen about staying overnight somewhere.
I completely understand you not wanting to listed to and ed Sheeran song ever again.
Sending you lots of love.
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u/smuttywriterxx APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
I'm so sorry to hear this. It's easy to fall into the mindset of blaming yourself but this was never your fault. This happened unexpectedly and out of your control. I lost my dad unexpectedly as well. He was on holiday and passed away and I wasn't there. I kept thinking maybe things would have been better if I travelled with him but hypothetical situations won't help you grieve. Just know that grieving takes time and he'll want you to live your life to the fullestĀ Ā ā¤ļøĀ
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u/ashirlexi Feral Til Fed Jul 28 '26
My dad had health problems starting when I was 5. I spent my whole life near home to make sure I was around to help him and my mom. I even gave up my dream of being a translator and traveling the world to do so.
I settled down and had a family. I finally decided to relax and my husband and I took our first family trip to Disney World.
My dad died while I was there.
I choose to see it as the universe sparing me from being there when it happened. From being the one to find him. I donāt think I mentally would have recovered from that.
Absolve yourself of guilt. Iām sure your dad was so happy to see you doing something you loved. He would want you to forgive yourself and keep living.
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u/KayakerMel challah atcha girl ā”ļø Jul 28 '26
I'm so sorry for your loss. Your dad wanted you to go to the concert and have fun. This tragedy is not because you went to the concert. It is not your fault.
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u/Haunting_Heat3296 Queer Queen š³ļøāš Jul 28 '26
Iām so sorry. I lost my dad this year too - he wasnāt very well any longer either and had an accident. It really sucks. Be gentle with yourself as you get through what happens over the coming months.
Iām sure your dad was so proud of you and so appreciative of how much time and effort you gave to look after him. And Iām sure he would be so pleased to know that the last thing he did was give you the gift of some free time to have fun with your sister.
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u/socks-with-sandals- nom nom, nod nod Jul 28 '26
Iām so sorry. Please donāt blame yourself but also know itās normal to feel guilt and regret about the events prior.
I lost my mom 3 months ago suddenly and i learned that death is not something you can prepare for or know ahead of time. None of the versions of this would have been easier than the others, even had you been with him when he passed.
Just get through each day, one by one, for now.
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u/Herefortheassholes1 Hazy Grazer š¶āš«ļø Jul 28 '26
I am so so so sorry for your loss. That is terrible and shitty. You should not blame yourself, easier said than done. It sounds like your Dad really wanted you to have an amazing time with your favorite artist. I hope one day you will be able to listen to Ed Sheeran again and feel the joy it once brought you, that is how your Dad wanted you to feel. Sending all the love and positive vibes.
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u/Working_Passenger680 APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
I am so sorry for your loss. My mother always said that you miss people who depend on you more than those you depend on, and I have found that to be true.
Remember him. But also take the time to remember yourself. Remember also that he wanted you to go.
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u/Straight-Leg-9325 š¶ļø Spice Girl š¶ļø Jul 28 '26
The last thing your dad would want is for you to feel guilty. Honestly, I'm glad you didn't have to witness his passing. That's the kind of thing that stays with a person forever. My mom has never been the same since my dad fell out of his wheelchair and passed in front of her. You were there for him til the end and that says a lot about you as a person. Sending you all the hugs and healing.
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u/LikeLurking Tea Time Hostess āļø Jul 28 '26
I had something similar happen with a family member. It wasnāt quite the same, however I did something for myself and a love one died while I was away. I felt horrible and got help (grief groups, therapists and various religious people (I am not religious)) to process it all. An unexpected death is traumatic, and I wish you peace and grace.
I came to peace with it. We canāt control everything and your Dad suggested you stay over night for your safety. i am so, so sorry for your loss.
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u/CakieStephie FREE MOM HUGS Jul 28 '26
As someone who is a care giver, your dad would want you to live your life, go out and have fun. Caring can be so consuming even for those you love and respite is so important for your own well being.
Please seek support from the council, local charities and citizens advice. Id hope they'd have a buffer to help you find accomodation and get benefits/ employment and housing. Also you may prefer to be signed off for a bit to grieve, especially if caring meant you couldn't study or pursue your own career or goals.
I'm so very sorry for your loss, I hope you enjoyed the concert and can find a path forwards.
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u/Aggravating-Buy613 Femininom(nomnomnom)enon Jul 28 '26
Oh my darling woman. I'm so so sorry.
From the bottom of my heart, I'm sending you the biggest mental hug.
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u/RetroCucumber613 Hazy Grazer š¶āš«ļø Jul 28 '26
So sorry for your loss, I can't imagine losing my Dad. And remember there is no wrong way to grieve. Hugs from the Great White North
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u/MissionDrive4115 FREE MOM HUGS Jul 28 '26
I know you have a sea of messages. But I wanted to add that even though things feel very dark right now, this is not your fault. I hope you find some comfort in the support and outpouring of love from your post. I won't invalidate how you feel. The shock and grief will play tricks on your mind. But your dad wouldn't want you to feel guilty or regret your decision. I won't pretend to know exactly how you are feeling, but as someone who lost her dad suddenly in April, I do know from my grief experience, that being the rock of the family is a terrible burden. If you are able to get therapy, please do. You do not have to navigate this alone. Please lean on your family and friends. Sending the biggest Mom hug š
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u/Terrible-Fun-9700 I ā¤ļø Other People's Business Jul 28 '26
Mom here, not your mom but Iām going to speak for parents. Donāt feel a moment of guilt and love EdSheeran if your heart ever allows you. Your dad wanted you to and your dad definitely did not want you to feel the weight of this death. If he was a good dad, I absolutely, 100 percent promise you that. In fact, were it me, Iād be glad you didnāt have to be there.
The housing and the job piece is awful and your dad also wouldnāt want that. Iām really sorry about that too and wish you the best. Please find resources in your community sooner versus later if you can.
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u/Haunting_Safe_5634 greensāļøbeansāļøpotatasāļøtomatasāļø Jul 28 '26
I am so sorry for your loss. Take things one hour at a time, he may be gone but youāre still alive and he would want you to live life to the fullest. Donāt be so afraid to forget him that you spend every second ruminating on it. When it feels doable, take things one day at a time. Then one week, one month, one year. Eventually you will realize youāre okay and youāve got this. His memory will be with you forever, it hurts at first but will be a comfort eventually.
I know you said you want to stay strong for your siblings, depending on their ages it could be beneficial and healthy for them to see you going through grief. Try not to put too much pressure on them, but they are part of your support system too. Allow them to support you in the ways they can and it will be healthy for all of you.
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u/Helpful_Warthog6032 Well-Read & Well-Fed Jul 28 '26
Oh dear. I am so sorry. As a mom, this is my worst nightmare - not what could happen to me but the idea of my girls ever blaming themselves or being stuck with such a heavy feeling about it. I feel you because when my dad died I desperately wanted a coke but the vending machine in the waiting room only had cherry and now I literally can not drink cherry coke. It tastes like grief and makes me choke.
I dont have anything to say that can make it better except you dont have to stay strong all the time for anyone. Let yourself break down and mourn in whatever way you need to. This was a deeply unfortunate and unfair turn of events but none of it - not one second of it - was your fault.
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u/lavenderlooop š¦ Fruit Bat Baddie š Jul 28 '26
I'm really sorry. I don't know your dad obviously, but I do know dads as a whole, and most of them are pretty similar. He seemed really glad you went to the show. And I think he'd probably be glad that you didn't have to be there to witness his passing. If he's a typical dad at all, he would've felt bad that he needed you to be a caregiver, and didn't want to burden you with his illnesses, and also would want to not put you in the situation or be in the situation himself of being viewed in his most vulnerable final moments. My step dad wouldn't even let anyone other than my mom visit him at the hospital when he had heart surgery because he didn't want anyone seeing him "like that".
A lot of the time, I think very old or very sick people hold on for others, and let go in moments where they feel like it will be minimally burdensome or upsetting to others. My grandfather competes in this running race thing every year and he's a local celebrity in the context of it, and he almost didn't go, breaking his like 60 year streak, because my grandmother was near the end. But she urged him to do it, and she died right after he returned. Like she wanted him to be able to do his thing knowing she was okay at home, and then let go once he returned so he wouldn't be upset that he wasn't there for her at the end.
All I can do as an outsider looking in is spectate and speculate, so if you feel that I'm way off base, then I definitely am. I don't want to dismiss any of your feelings or concerns and act like I know this situation more than you do. But that's just my two cents
<3
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u/ellieminnowpee š¶ļø Spice Girl š¶ļø Jul 28 '26
OP, i lost a sibling going on 2 years. she died alone in her room, of epilepsy.
one way i make it through is to tell myself that her passing alone, this is a gift. this is horrible AND it is a gift. had i been there, i would have seen her pass away and she would have seen me helpless, terrified, unable to save her. instead, our last memory together is hugging and me calling her our secret nickname.
instead, your last memory with your dad is him encouraging you to see a concert you wanted to attend. šššš
iām so sorry youāre going through this. punishing yourself will not make it better. please, continue to give yourself the love your dad showed you.
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u/glitterdonnut APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
Iām so so sorry for your loss.
My dad passed last year and no one was with him when it happened. He was in hospice for a month or so. Lots of people were around but he still chose his moment to leave.
I trained as an end of life doulah and one thing we learned from hospice and palliative nurses is that people often chose when they want to die. Some want to die with others around them, but quite often itās the opposite. Dying is a transition and some people want to either spare others of that moment or chose to simply want to do it alone.
I hope one day you will look at that evening as a gift from your father. He wanted you to have that evening and perhaps he even wanted that space and time for himself.
Please be gentle with yourself and do not take on blame at this very tender moment in your life. Focus on his love for you. He is now everywhere and nowhereā¦ much love.
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u/Guilty_Objective4602 Well-Read & Well-Fed Jul 28 '26
Iām so very sorry for your loss! It was definitely not your fault, and your dad would not have wanted you to blame yourself; he wanted you and your sister to have fun and listen to music you love. Iām sorry such a devastating thing happened to you all and that is compounded by such additional upheaval in your life. I wish I could do anything at all to make it better. Sending you and your siblings strength to get through the challenging times ahead.
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u/MacaroonSad8860 hot sauce in my bag, swag Jul 28 '26
You poor thing! Iām so so sorry for your loss.
Please try to remember your dad wanted you to go to the concert. If it ruins Ed Sheeran for you thatās one thing, but donāt let yourself feel guilt for going.
When my dad passed away Iād just moved across the country a few months prior. I didnāt make it back in time. I felt guilt for a long time but my mom kept reminding me that he had given his blessing for me to move (he was already terminally ill at the time). I know your situation is different because itās so sudden but I hope you can take some solace in knowing you cared deeply for him and he clearly did for you as well.
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u/ladyluck754 APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
Fellow Sheerio here. š©· i just wanna say I am so sorry, and none of this was your fault. Your dad knew how much care and dedication you put into his caregiving that he wanted you to have a well deserved break.
Youāre a great daughter. This isnāt your fault.
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u/IamtheRealDill APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how horrible this is for you.
There is nothing you could have or should have done differently. Your dad WANTED you to go to this concert, HE told you to get a hotel room, he wanted you to have a great time. Accidents happen and it fucking sucks. None of this is your fault, I'm so sorry.
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u/leonapitej Internet Auntie Jul 28 '26
I'm so sorry. Feel whatever you're feeling now. Grief is a pesky customer and behaves differently for each of us and even in each loss. You will eventually hear an Ed Sheeran song and smile. It might take a while.
Seek support from your family, friends, and professionals if needed. Talk to your doctor or your dad's for suggestions. Caregivers grief is special. There's an emptiness that can no longer be filled. Support groups may help.
Take care of yourself and enjoy your life.
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u/thedonnerparty13 Pantry Gremlin Jul 28 '26
Damn reading all these comments makes me realize how many of us are in the dead dads club at such a young age.
My heart goes out to you OP! Itās been almost 20 years for me and Iām still trying to find coping skills. Also lost him very suddenly. Please donāt feel like this was your fault, especially for having fun. This was a freak accident. I still think about him every day.
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u/gerblen Enby & Eatin' Jul 28 '26
Oh dude I wish I could hug you. Thatās so horrible, Iām so sorry. Itās not your fault though, your dad wanted you to enjoy your life and have fun. This just really sucks, Iām sorry :(
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u/pinotJD llamando al pan, pan šš· al vino, vino Jul 28 '26
Iām so very sorry. Please know you didnāt cause this nor would he have lived had you been there. He was happy you were happy at the concert. In a way, itās beautiful that at his passing you were shielded from immediate grief and you were in a crowd of happy people. Keep that joy within you. Know that you were deeply and fiercely loved. š§”
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u/CozyGamingLibrarian šThe Very Hungry Bookworm š Jul 28 '26
Itās not your fault and I have a strong feeling that he deliberately wanted you out of the house when it happened. Being in the street might be because he didnāt want you to be the one to find him when you returned home.
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u/Quick-Dance-6932 I ā¤ļø Other People's Business Jul 28 '26
As a parent - I would want my kid to have gone to the concert. I'm clearly not in the position to need a caregiver at this time, BUT something you don't understand until you're a parent is the intense love you have for your child and I seriously mean there is NOTHING i would do to stop my kid from even a night of happiness. please don't blame yourself, I'm sure he was sooo happy knowing you were at a concert.
I'm tremendously sorry for your loss. Lean on others right now
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u/Alpal2510 Taco Belle Jul 28 '26
Oh honey - this broke my heart. I lost my dad very unexpectedly as well, albeit not after such a fun event. I can't imagine how you must be feeling :( I hope you know he wanted you to enjoy the concert that night. Sending you love and hugs as you navigate this. Please update us if we can be of any help at all.
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u/Prestigious_Can5589 Internet Auntie Jul 28 '26
These are going to be hard days ahead and the words youāll see in the comments will be just as hard, not because theyāre mean but because every time someone is trying to remind you that you are allowed to grieve and that going to a concert had nothing to do with your father passingā¦theyāre right. You will carry this feeling for a long time, and it will show so many different faces to you but right now you need to focus on doing the next right thing and go in steps my dear, your entire world changed in the span of a minute and that wonāt ever not be true but what happens now is in your hands. Do you have anyone you can trust to help you through this? Try to look into unemployment benefits as youāve just suddenly lost your job from your wording, and also some community programs that might help you with the immediate processes you need to work through now. Just worry about putting one foot in front of the other until you can finally rest, and allow yourself several chances to have a good cry.
I wonāt say it gets better, it doesnāt. But you eventually grow around the grief and the fear that you feel now, one day youāll wake up and the memories wonāt be as sharp. It just means that love helped cushion the shards of grief in your chest some, and thatās a good thing. We always forget about what happens when someone passes on, not because of the person who passed but because no one really looks at what they had to leave behind.
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u/janejhw š¦ Fruit Bat Baddie š Jul 28 '26
Please please do not hold any blame for this. Your dad passed a happy man knowing you were out having a good time. Sending love ā¤ļø
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u/oo-whatcha-got-there Internet Auntie Jul 28 '26
Oof- the worst. OP, this wasnāt your fault. In any way. Trust me, he probably wasnāt happy about it going that way either!!! And heād have changed it if he could. These things are completely random and it just sucks. Try your best not to spend your energy on beating yourself up or going down the āif I had just done xā route; itās no use. Just love his memory and focus on you. He loved and appreciated you and the last thing he probably wanted would be for you to be hard on yourself with this. Big big big hugs.
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u/luckydukcky girls just wanna have pho Jul 28 '26
Itās really important for full time caregivers to take time off because caregiver burnout is real and very dangerous. But youāre not psychic and thereās no way you could have predicted this. You probably know that already though. Iām sorry youāre going through this. I hope you can be easier on yourself.
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u/tdigici APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
your dad passed away knowing his two girls were together happy and having fun. donāt beat yourself up, you deserve to live and experience life too.
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u/Twenty_question5 šØ I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside š Jul 28 '26
I am so so sorry for your loss. Sending you all the love hugs and care. Please be kind to yourself this is absolutely not your fault just a devastating sad thing that happened to your family.
Please look at signing up for NHS Therapy or for free therapy/counseling in your area. I recently signed up to VitaMind/Vita Health and I was able to get on the list within a few months.
Talk to your doctor, reach out to friends and family and donāt bottle how you feel.
Thinking of you x
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u/CheetahPrintPuppy Snack Goblin Jul 28 '26
Survivor/caregiver guilt is a real thing and you should really dig into it with a therapist.
You need to know that it wasn't because you left, it wasn't because you were gone, it was just an accident. You cannot blame yourself for an accident. Even if you were there, and he fell, who's to say he still would not have passed away if he hurt himself bad enough?
You cannot do the "what if" game because it will cost you your sanity. He wanted you to go. He loved you.
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u/Mysterious-Ad-7201 pain: chronic, snacks: iconic Jul 28 '26
My brother recently passed at the age of 45. He didn't tell the family, but he'd been diagnosed with heart failure before Christmas 2025. Usually people only have max a few years after final diagnosis, and we have no idea what stage he was in since he never said anything and we only know the diagnosis date from the medications. We found out when we had to clear out all his belongings and found the sheer amount of medications he was taking to keep going. I had noticed that December that my brother was being more vulnerable than usual. He'd never been a very up front emotional person (yay generational childhood trauma), and he started talking about going on trips more together and admitted I'm the only person he ever called to talk to unless he had to make calls. This is coming from a man who will have over 100 people at his memorial most likely. But neither of us were every phone talking people. As soon as he opened up about being sad I didn't answer as many calls, I started trying to answer every time. He passed on May 31st and I just now finally opened our messages to read some, and I scrolled up to see that one of our very last messages together was me not answering his call. And it fucking broke me. It broke me so hard. He was my best friend, and we were supposed to continue living together far past our parents passing. He was my rock, and one of the few people I knew I could always trust, and I let him down right before he passed away in his sleep. But what I've been doing, that's been helping me survive the gaping hole that the loss caused, is pretending he's there with me. I know him, and how he'd react to every situation, and how his voice and tones sounded. Not only does it help calm me (a little), it helps me solidify in my brain the person he was and how he looked and sounded so I can always remember him. Don't focus on the guilt. It will consume you. Focus on what you know your loved one would want for you, and that's to stay strong through your grief and continue strong in your life. To love and be loved. To take peace in your happiness when it comes, instead of guilt of "what if". Death may take life, but it doesn't take love.
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u/DeliciousImpact23 Overthinker š Jul 28 '26
This is just the saddest thing, Iām so so sorryā¦ š
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u/llagathaa APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
Oh my god. I wish I could hug you or take your grief away somehow. Iām so so very sorry you lost your father.
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u/kid__amnesia šŖ Sauceress āØ Jul 28 '26
My mom also āsentā me on a weekend trip for the first time in years of worrying about her and taking care of her and that was exactly the weekend she died. While your dadās passing was an unfortunate accident, I think maybe somehow he wished for you to be away when he passed so you wouldnāt have to see it. He wouldnāt want you to blame yourself, he wanted for you to allow yourself some joy after a long time of exhaustion and slowly grieving a person that is still alive. I hope you can process this and understand that you are not to blame for anything, instead you did all the right things and your dad wanted you to be happy.
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