Today at 32 years old, I was supposed to marry the man I think I’ve loved the most in my life. He was wanted. His 3 girls were wanted. We were worth it.
Instead - 5 months ago, he cheated on me and left me for his friend. Broke our family, left with the animals. And eventually found out he was hiding an alcohol, coke and porn problem super well - never would have thought.
No apology. All the blame to me. Smear campaign and told everyone I was mentally unstable. Sure I know I dogged a bullet, but unfortunately not all the times were bad.
Most days my heart and head align - but today I am just brutally sad. Woke up this morning and my first thought was “Do you think he woke up this morning next to her and remembered what day it was supposed to be today?”
Blueberries and Fairlife. Maybe I’ll order some pho.
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Pho, the food that gives you a hug from the inside. Don't forget the salad rolls with peanut sauce.. I hope he does realize the day and has so much shame and regret for what he has done to your relationship and your heart. You will have some days your stronger than others , take that time to surround yourself with good friends or a perhaps a counselor, any one to vent too in a healthy way. A shoulder to vent on per say... I promise this will not break you. You have your person out there to waiting to find you, so he can love you, be loyal to you and be treat you like beautiful person you are inside and out. Please post that delicious food.. One must not cry while enjoying such a wonderful meal 🥰😍
I knew you have divine taste indeed did lol.. I wanted them after this afternoon after our little convo here😂🤣😂 Tomorrow I must have a little treat of "Fresh Rolls".
Adding that the broth is often made from simmering the bones for a looong time, and spices (cinnamon, star anise, black cardamom, etc) are added to give the broth its signature warming taste
SO much effort goes into that broth. From memory when my boyfriend made it from scratch there were three different varieties of bones. Pretty sure the water also gets discarded at least once and the onions that go into the broth are charred for extra flavour.
Any woman who would have him, knowing what he is, is not remotely a prize. You are the "should have" that he is going to revisit in his mind over and over again as the years drag on...
Wow this is such a good quote! First time commenting here but just had to say thank you for saying it. My ex ended our relationship for his coworker many years ago now and I wish I had seen this then.
Exactly. He’ll do the same to her in a few years. People with personality disorders like that have a deep hatred of themselves so eventually he’ll need an ego boost else where and the substances will catch up
New girl will have her hands full. And after all the money she’ll spend on his drugs and porn, all the rescuing she’ll need to do, and all the childcare for his three daughters… he’ll reward her by cheating with one of her friends. How you catch them is how you lose them.
On the bright side, your relationship ended BEFORE you were married and had a child together and now feel stuck in his alcoholic/cheating ways or you’ll lose half the time with your child. It’s almost like I know from experience or something….
I’m sorry OP. I grieve with you the loss of the life you imagined for yourself. I pray bigger and better things than you can possibly imagine in your near future. You are super strong ❤️.
It's hard staying in contact with kids, even when you've bonded. Unless they're older, the adults are generally the control. I don't know that you ever stop missing them though. Hopefully they get on alright without you. They may reach out in the future.
I miss my ex's son so much, my kids bonded with him as well. He went to live with his mother before we split and still thinks we're together.
A woman is portrayed as "crazy", and the portrayal is accepted as truth. People who know her have never seen that alleged side of her, so they say "she's crazy?! Oh, wow, I had no idea. It goes to show you never really know a person".
A man is portrayed as "abusive", and the portrayal is immediately rejected. People who know him have never seen that alleged side of him, so they say "abusive? Nope, that cannot be, he's a perfectly normal guy, no way he's abusive. Therefore, she's crazy and a liar! I had no idea. It goes to show you never really know a person".
If a man has a crazy ex, that could be normal, there's unstable people and I've met quite a few.
If a man has two crazy exes, why didn't the first one teach you how to make better choices in a partner. Now there's a trend of the type of woman you're picking, and you seem to like crazy.
If a man has three or more crazy exes (or never talks about having a single stable ex) then he's actually the one that caused the problems and now I have no idea what the truth is, but it's not the tale he's spinning.
I've never believed a guy when he's had a crazy ex, it's not a terribly descriptive word. Men who've actually had crazy exes say things like women would say things and just describe an abusive relationship and apologize for her being that way.
Same. If I was early dating a guy and he used the canned “my ex was crazy” like I’m out. Are all women perfect? No. But I trust a female stranger way before a male stranger and think most women should too. Just could save your life one day.
All the men I've known who have actually had a crazy ex have been if anything overly forgiving and hesitant to label her behavior. So I pretty much don't believe anyone who says their exes were crazy.
"Yeah she keyed my car when she thought I was talking to a girl from work, and threw my belongings on the lawn when I went to visit my sister that one time, but she's just traumatized and she really loved me".
Yeah, definitely agree there. Nobody decent with an actual crazy ex just calls them crazy. They might admit she was, but then they’ll feel guilty and say she’s not that bad or try to explain it away. If they blackball them, or anyone tbh, it’s a big red flag and needs to come with proof.
Yup. Remembering back to my sixth form boyfriend, insanely controlling, flirted with his ex in front of me but got mad when I told him to stop. I tried to break up with him and he talked me around. In the end I told him I slept with someone else at university and that was his dealbreaker.
Then he got to play the victim depsite years of wearing me down mentally and I got messages out of the blue from girls I didnt even know he talked to, telling me that I am awful 🙃
Looking back now I 100% dodged a bullet. I just wish that I had dodged it sooner.
Had a guy friend, we flirted for a bit, I met his mom, he complained about his "crazy ex"
He asked me out after a few months, told him I am trans, then he threatened to kill me for "lying about being a man and deceiving his mother"... Noooope.
I'm a 67 yr old lady and I gotta say I've got no fucks left to give when it comes to men. I work with several young women and I listen to theirs dating horror stories and all I can think is, what is wrong with the men these days
I hate that when my ex cheated my thought process behind everything that I said to him was “I need to be as calm and levelheaded as possible so he cannot frame me as crazy in his mind later when he looks back at this”. He had already been labeling me as the problem throughout the relationship. So I knew the chance of that was pretty high. I didn’t want there to be a chance of him walking away thinking he was even slightly justified in cheating.
There's no winning. If you're not angry you're a cold detached b word. The real winning move is not to play anymore when you're on the defensive about anything and everything.
I mean I wasn’t so much calm in an emotionless way, but calculated and not enraged. I cried, I was clear abt how much it hurt, how much I had loved him and trusted him, that he could’ve broken up with me but he made a choice that would hurt me, also made it v clear that he had broke my heart and my trust in people, and that it was one of the worst things a person had put me through.
I just didn’t let myself get really angry. I stuck more to total devastation. I didn’t let myself scream or cuss him out or break every thing he owned that was still at my place. I had to keep a certain level of calculation. I just wanted the best shot of it actually hitting him so maybe he wouldn’t hurt someone like this again. I know theres a good chance he probably did rationalize it to be my fault somehow eventually.
But it was also a specific really situation where he knew in the past I had been cheated on by a person in a specific subculture, with someone in the same subculture, and that it had happened at a really specific event. Then I found out he lied abt not being in that subculture, cheated with someone also in it, and I caught him at that very same event with my own eyes. So.. he knew very well it was the absolutely most devastating thing he could have done to me and I reminded him of that. I just didn’t yell it, or cuss him out, or say anything unreasonable, just stuck to the impact it had and the choices he had made. That this was avoidable. So on some level I know he knows how fucked it was, no matter how “crazy” he might say I am.
and man.. do I sometimes wish I cussed him tf out instead of being concerned abt how he would hear my words
I was watching a stand up comedy clip recently of Gianmarco Soresi and he was talking about how his dad was a chronic cheater and his explanation for the relationships ending were always "I dont know son, she just went crazy".
I’m sorry, while it’s definitely for the best that you’re not marrying this shitty man, i get that you’re grieving the relationship you had and man you thought you knew.
You didn't know they were, but all the times were bad - the problems were just being hidden from you. Today was a wedding today that would have made permanent a harmful life. Celebrate.
❤️🩹 take your feelings as they come. You’re free and that may be more shocking than comforting, but those feelings will swap as time does it thing. Sending you a hug.
THIS! Today could have been the start of your financial downfall, of being the wife of an addict, having a husband serially cheats and risks your health and could give you a permanent STI with his infidelity. The start of a life baby trapped with a liar, gaslighter, and cheater.
Get cozy, order the pho, watch a comedy or adventure movie (no romance today!). You don’t have to shove all your feelings down, but know that this is a life of peace, and a life with him would know no peace.
It’s hard to evaluate when you’re in it. Yesterday this is also what my friend told me when I finally opened up about my relationship that ended: it was always bad, you just didn’t see it
It sounds like you're missing who you thought he was and not who he really was. When you're ready, ask yourself would you expose your children to someone who struggles with alcohol, cocaine and porn addiction? The first two addictions would surely harm you and the children. In this way, is there anything to grieve? Each breakup has the potential to teach us something about ourselves. Good luck with your healing journey and be kind to yourself.
This is the advice that has helped me before. You can’t miss a person you didn’t actually know. You can only miss the mask they performed, and the benefit of that is knowing they couldn’t have hidden it forever. Eventually you would have been in this position no matter what.
I have a friend who ended it with her fiance for many of the same reasons. On the day of her planned wedding we sat on a dock with our backs to the venue drinking, smoking, eating, and cackling. I truly hope you have people in your life who will bouy you through this horrible time and support you as you move onto the next glorious chapter of your life.
Be easy on yourself!
I survived similar, girl and unfortunately got married before it went down. It's not easy even when you logically know now you're SO much better off without him in your life. And I think it's totally normal and ok to mourn the loss of the good stuff. It gets so much better as time goes on, as horribly cliche as that sounds. You'll probably remember this date when it comes around for some years but it'll mean less and less each time until one day you realize it passed without noticing.
With regards to the smear campaign, all you can really do is stay confident in yourself and treasure anyone who believed the truth and stood by you. Personally I never expended my energy defending myself against my pathological liar ex but I did have a couple mutuals come to me on their own and tell me they realized something was very wrong about how I was characterized and discarded by my ex. Kept me sane. I really hope you've got some good people to lean on 💜
We have a similar story. I was 31, engaged, he had 3 prior daughters I adored. I found out a few months before the wedding that he had cheated a lot on me with escorts etc. I felt so lost, betrayed, like I’d never love again. And yes, we had some amazing times so that was hard to give up, too.
As time passes, you’ll get more and more perspective on that relationship and be so glad you’re not in that. I’m now happily married to the love of my life and couldn’t be more glad with how things turned out. You deserve more, we all deserve it. 🧡
If he has an alcohol and coke problem you should be reporting him to CPS. Make sure his kids are safe.
Also, tell everyone he lied to about you the truth of his pathetic he truly is
No need to report because he doesn’t bother to see them anymore anyways. Which is totally opposite when we were together.
That’s the equally messed up part of this. And I don’t know why. But he broke up with me, moved into her house the next day, and also stopped seeing them.
Are you able to sue him over taking the animals? Do you have proof of his alcohol, coke, and porn addiction so you can expose him to his friends and family and clear your name?
I moved 5hrs away 2 weeks ago. Left all my family behind including my aging parents. But his ex wife and I talk lots, the girls message me almost everyday. I can see them whenever I want or go do things with them. Won’t be as much now that I’m gone, but I told them they can always call me - especially if they need me or are in a pickle. There is a set of twins who are 13 and a little one who is 9.
Order so much pho 🍜 !!! That really, really sucks! Thank god u found out then and not after. I’m sure some day he will come to his senses and realize he fucked it all up & by then I’m sure you’ll be happy without him!!
I’m so sorry. Adjusting to the new reality is torture when the mind still wants the past to be true. Don’t know if it’s like this for you…. but I’m sorry you experienced betrayal and all this grief. Be gentle with yourself.
Sending hugs. You’re much better off. Order that pho. Cry as much as you want, sleep as mich as you want, watch whatever you want. Do what YOU want to do today! Birria, pizza, pasta, also great comfort foods🩷
Today is a difficult day for you and you should absolutely treat yourself to anything you want that makes you feel better. You are already aware that you’re well shed of him. I feel badly for you for missing the girls and the pets. Take care of yourself today, be kind to yourself for the next years of your life.
Ugh, fuck that piece of trash. Who cares what he thought of when he woke up? The only thing that matters is what type of pho you're ordering today. Happy You Day! ❤️
Hun that is awful. You deserve better. Grieve for as long you need but know that someday (hopefully soon) you’ll wake up and it won’t be the first thing you think of.
Bruh I’m petty ebough that I’d rebut his comments about you being crazy with: “haha okay if it’s crazy to think being a cheating alcoholic who’s addicted to cocaine when you’re a parent is unacceptable then I’m happy to be crazy.”
He sank himself before he dragged you down with him. Addiction wins far too often without the right support and a great deal of willpower, it'll win when he chooses it when his side piece gets tired of it. That's a win, girly pop. Didn't marry a loser, got some tasty blueberries, get your victory Pho!
If you can find a duck pho id up it to that . We used to have a place pre covid that made a duck broth with confide leg meat and crispy skin breast bowl. It was $20 in like 2014 and only available one day a week but man it was good. Guys shop didnt survive covid unfortunately
i'm so sorry this happened. the "i dodged a bullet but" is so real. take your time. grieve and be upset. be happy in waves. and order that pho, babe. you're more than worth it.
you deserve more than he could in his entire life ever give you. you WILL get the love that you deserve and someone will love you wholeheartedly, treat you with respect, won’t leave you for his friend, or have an alcohol, coke, or porn problem—they will show you why your shitty ex didn’t work out! order that pho and remember you are so loved and will one day find a love much greater than this one :)🫂❤️
The kindest thing I did for myself after my brutal breakup from a cheating loser was to delete all the pictures and messages of and from him. The wedding day pics, dating pics, anything that was from the time he was in my life. It was hard, but literally ripped the plaster off. I didn’t want to be reminded of the good times, or any times so I deleted, blocked and forgot. It made me realise that it didn’t matter to me how he felt, if he was thinking of me or regretting what he had done, just exorcising the part of him in my life reset my brain. Because even if he was sorry, no amount of apologies or admission of shame could justify how badly he’d treated me.
Addiction can destroy anything and everything around the person with the addiction. Sounds like he doesn't care to get any professional help anytime soon, so let him destroy his life. One day, hopefully he will seek help and become a better person. Cheating is very common for heavy drinkers. Im sorry you have to go through this. He wasnt the one. His image of this great guy sure didnt last. Hope you find one you love and who treats you the way you deservep
Some days our thoughts are not helpful or useful or accurate and it's best to wave at them and let them pass....who gives a shit what he woke up feeling? Maybe just your thoughts care but you can wave.
miserable pieces of shit will live their lives knowing deep down they are getting farther away every day from the person they wanted to be. also, cheaters get karma unless they're rich. he will get his comeupance.
let us know what place u go to get pho, i've never tried it o_o
There will come a day filled with so much joy and love from another person that you will be confused as to why you ever mourned this man.
I know that’s not today, so take care of yourself whatever way feels right. Just remind yourself that there are many many many better days to look forward to.
You are absolutely better off, and will find someone worth waking up next to for a wedding day, or waking up to the best day of your life with an experience you never thought you’d witness.
The fact that above all else, the many shitty ways he betrayed you ??
That has Abandoned his own kids is repulsive AF. He’s tossed away a chance at a good, decent, respectable future and family life for drugs, porn and a side piece. Eww. He’s not JUST an asshole, he’s clearly an idiot too.
OP, It’s normal to romanticize things and to remember what SEEMS like “the good” …. Given he’s a cheat and liar ? I’d be assuming those “good times” were also juts an act …. Probably hiding some extra heinous behaviour and emotionally manipulated you. And you OR his kids didn’t deserve any of it.
I know it hurts and I’m sorry you have
Had to deal with the entire mess.
You were wise to put some serious physical distance between you. Even for the fact that you don’t have to explain things to mutual friends or have to worry about him interjecting himself back into your life in any capacity. The further away you can put yourself, the better.
Hopefully, you can one day, see today’s date as the day you didn’t end up destroying your future with the wrong guy.
Order whatever will be comforting to you. Right now, taking care of yourself is your only priority.
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u/trendingtattler AutoMaude 🤖🎀 Jul 26 '26
WHEEEWW girl 😮💨 buckle up! Your post made it to /r/all!
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