My ex found someone new and I am happy

[u/fukifukino]

Today for dinner is a hokkaido soupp

About 6 weeks ago i made a post here about me (21m) and my then girlfriend of 4 and a half years going on a break. Even tho the response wasnt exactly kind I took some of the advice to my heart.
Well the break was supposed to last 3 weeks but after 5 days she wrote me its over.
I was prepared to be sad but instead I was very angry, because firstly she didnt have the respect to tell me in person and for secondly the message was such a bs that either her friends must have told her that stuff or she got it from chatgpt. It hurt even more because while I was at home barely sleeping and waiting she had a dude sleeping over, and then she went to sleep over to other house after that. I know she didnt cheat on me but it just felt so disrespectful, when she said that she would be thinking and reflecting about our relationship and instead.
Basically she didnt even reflect on anything and just fooled around for 5 days instead of being straight with me from the beggining. I told her that I am dissapointed in her and told her to avoid me and blocked her.

Well for the past few weeks ive been doing a lot of self exploration. I've been a mess and there have been very hard and dark days but also a few of truly of nice ones. I've taken up juggling (which feels like quite a silly hobby after breakup but its fun lol ) and I finally got around to renewing my gym membership on monday. I also said yes to every opportunity to go out and have fun and I am thinking of learning how to play piano. Just genuinely trying to live my life and be happy.
But i have been thinking about her a lot whenever i was alone .
Today i learned from mutual friend that she started dating the same dude that was sleeping over, the dude that basically made our relationship fall apart (although he was not the only reason) . Even worse, they are hiding it and it's just so pathethic . They were seen holding hands but when anyone looks they release. It's exactly the thing she would do to 'protect me' so I wouldn't be miserable. Its so pathethic to see to see her think she is so important to me, that my whole life just falls appart when she leaves . If she at least owned up to her decisions and faced it, but to say she is protecting me is just so selfish. All she is doing is making herself feel better about herself and that she isnt the bad person.

Initially this made me angry and I went off on a rant about how disrespectfull and dumb she is. Just generaly a lot of unhealthy feelings towards her. It was right before a midterm test as well so I was very anxious. When they were handing out the tests I had a sudden realization.
I was very stressed and so scared that I would fail it just because of her living her life without me. But I realized that there are just so so many bad people I met and seen and I don't let them occupy my mind. Now I see that she is just one of them. This is not how you behave after leaving a troubled but not bad long term relationship. And even tho I loved/still love her she failed me as a person and now I see that this wasnt the first time. There have been so many times i had to downplay my own feelings so she could do what she wanted. I see now her selfishness for what it is. But I also have my own issues and of them is Iearning a lot of self resepect. I am happy that I can discover myself and learn to enjoy my own company. Even if I am sad, it's a great opportunity and that's why I think she is dumb for going straight into another relationship. But that's not up to me to comment on anymore. Today I feel happy and even if it fades I know that I can be happy again. I still am scared that finding anyone I would be compatible with without having a lot of opportunities to be socially active and without dating apps will be impossible.. I feel like i was made to love and I want to love again, but I think learning to love myself is the first step. I hope there is someone out there for me eventually.
But to end it on a positive note, for the first time in these weeks I feel hopeful and even if it fades I will go on, for myself and for people I care about. Remember to love yourselves friends , even if there aren't people to show you the love you deserve <3.

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[u/Ir1sh-69]

Dude, great job cultivating a healthy mindset about the whole thing. Sometimes the hardest part of a break up isn't actually the split, its picking yourself up and moving in a good direction after things are over. But it genuinely seems like you're doing great. Great job, this internet stranger is proud of you.

[u/fukifukino → u/Ir1sh-69]

Thank you so much !

[u/tarnaci]

My guy, welcome to the single world. It's honestly awesome and by the looks of it, you seem to have processed it quite well. Just so you know you have done the right decision and being angry at first is completely understandable, but after some time goes you just stop caring. It was the same with me after a 5 year relationship, at one point you do really see the other person without rose tinted glasses and you kinda stop feeling bad and you completely move on. You even had the privilege to see it really fast which is honestly great! Just word of advice, don't jump into another relationship immediately, give yourself some time, go have fun, find out more about yourself, what you really like in a person and what you dont, take it easy and it will all be good sooner or later.

[u/fukifukino → u/tarnaci]

I hope you are right, we will see where the roads lead i guess. Thank you !

[u/inkypinkyblinkyclyde]

The best thing you can do is be indifferent to her.

[u/natopomato93]

Don't get upset over a hoor OP

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[u/forever_downstream]

It does sound like you have built up unhealthy views and feelings towards her to cope. Like, what do you mean you "think she's dumb" or "pathetic" for getting into a relationship or whatever. It's not your decision. And actually, I hate to be harsh, but I wonder if this reflects how you were in the relationship. Because some of the things you're saying here are overly aggressive.

Let me pull back a bit. Just let her go and be her own self. Not everything is meant to be forever and we all have different journeys. Some of your perspective here is good, definitely stay away from dating apps, they are not good for you. Learn to love yourself, heal your mindset and perspective. You'll find someone even better for you.

[u/fukifukino → u/forever_downstream]

I don't think it's pathethic she is moving on, I think it's pathethic she feels like she has to hide it from me. I do agree these feelings are unhealthy and definitely don't reflect who i am. I am just dissapointed in a person I used to love i guess.
Still, thanks for your input !

[u/forever_downstream → u/fukifukino]

I would call that considerate if anything. Or consciencous. Pathetic is your negativity coming in, your hurt, and that's not healthy, as you said. I'd definitely correct those perspectives towards her. Cheers and good luck!

[u/TorontoRin]

songs that i think you might like if music speaks to your soul.

Deserve - Jake Clark

Unethical - Faouzia

also The Odyssey and Spiderman BND are amazing movies with plot about giving up views of the past in order to move forward.

Keep working on yourself.

- comfort kills growth

• love yourself first and never give all of yourself to the relationship
  
• PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR PATTERNS

- She clearly has patterns and uses validation externally so she will never fill herself whole and continue to jump from relationship to relationship. let her. no accountability and no communication

- this is like a canon event for every guy who either gave everything or got too comfortable.

you didn't lose anything worth losing. you gained information on how to love yourself and what you deserve in a relationship. you know how to never abandon yourself ever again. you gained self-awareness that you want to love again and live your life authentically. you're also in the anger part of grieving for the future, for the version of you with her, the familiar routines. acceptance is when you can tell yourself, "thank you for letting me go Ex, thank you for giving me the chance to grow and learn to love myself, thank you for showing me that i must never shrink or give everything to the relationship"

[u/fukifukino → u/TorontoRin]

This is very thoughtful, i actually seen those movies and they were great !
I'll definitely listen to the music as it has been helping me alot, and thank you for your perspective <3