It Was The Work Husband All Along

[u/FormalRecognition467]

Meal : Steak at a place we had a reservation at, they kindly allowed me to eat alone.

I met a girl who I thought would be my partner for life, we did LDR for 6 months and after some waiting for a visa I gave up everything in my country and moved 5,000 miles to be with her.

She had a work husband but I thought nothing of it, I trusted her completely, my colleagues are all guys and very rarely hang out after work, but each to their own.

After two years things began to go downhill, firstly she got a new job, her work husband went with her. Secondly, we attended one of her school friends weddings, she managed to get one of her girlfriends to bring him as her +1, I barely saw her all night.

For the past few months, every conversation turned into an argument, we were past the point of repair and it was over.

Track back to two days ago and I bump into one of her friends at the Grocery store, we talked briefly, she shared that the work husband was soft launched last weekend. I guess it always was the work husband.

Now sat trying decide whether I stay in the country I thought would be my home forever, I have until Christmas to decide what to do. Raise a glass for me strangers.

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[u/einhan]

At least the steak looks juicy, onward and upward, brother!

[u/FormalRecognition467 → u/einhan]

Thank you, there was an accompanying Old Fashioned which went with it. The waiter was a bro, he could clearly tell something was up, we barely said a word to each other yet his service was impeccable. I can only assume he was going through something too and could just tell by my eyes.

[u/don-bean-jr → u/FormalRecognition467]

Old Fashioned

[u/Jumpy-Date7324 → u/don-bean-jr]

[u/Main_Cauliflower5479]

I don't understand why she was pursuing a relationship with you if she was actually involved with this "work husband" and had you move to her country? This just makes no sense at all.

Also, what do you mean by "work husband was soft launched?"

[u/AnotherDamnTransAlt → u/Main_Cauliflower5479]

Work husband was probably unavailable at the time (either had a partner or wasn’t interested in committing) so she got herself a backup in OP. Shitty story but not unusual.

Stay strong, OP. Sorry this happened but you’ll get through it and find a woman who wants to be with you for you and not because she can’t get someone else.

[u/buddhist557 → u/AnotherDamnTransAlt]

I hope you let her know her behavior is abhorrent and she is not a good person to do what she did. Clearly a human with little consideration for others. You are better off

[u/MeesterMeeseeks → u/Main_Cauliflower5479]

Soft launch means like a story on Instagram together. Indication they're dating but not a solid declaration

[u/longlivebobskins → u/MeesterMeeseeks]

I hate that I knew that

[u/Beneficial-Gur-7878 → u/longlivebobskins]

I hate that I know it now 😩

[u/Melodic555 → u/Main_Cauliflower5479]

A Soft launch means that there is a subtle reveal that a couple is together. Not extremely public but it’s known.

[u/Temporary-Budget-605 → u/Main_Cauliflower5479]

Not all women, but every woman I have been with, has kept options in their orbit. I am the common denominator here, which is why I am working to break that cycle. But, it did show that this behavior is out there. My theories as to why are: validation, attention, self esteem, bargaining power, tools.

[u/sandbagger45 → u/Temporary-Budget-605]

I am convinced some women up until when they’re engaged have a guy or two that’s right there waiting. Several women I know have gotten out of LTR and have been on a date the next week or so. It’s nuts. With me, once I am interested and involved with someone that’s it- my focus is on that person.

[u/Fabulous_Jeweler2732 → u/sandbagger45]

My ex told me the story before we got together.

He was dating a chick for six months. He thought they were in a relationship. After they had sex one night, she told him that she was engaged. Apparently, she was dating two guys at once and waiting to see who would make the move to commit. Really messed with his head cause the other guy was a doctor.

[u/GreenGrassConspiracy → u/sandbagger45]

I’d question the longevity of any marriage that has a back up. If men can jump into a date free of criticism after a LTR then surely women can too right? And there’s all sorts of perfectly acceptable reasons why that might happen. One might be to start new memories and erase the sadness and loss from a break up. Some people are not secure enough in themselves to be off the market for any period of time and that’s sad because that’s when you have the opportunity to learn about yourself and enjoy your own company. Credit to you for your moral compass.

[u/Temporary-Budget-605 → u/[deleted]]

Therapist recommended to seek out partners that I find “boring”. This is because I have ADHD and am attracted to stimulation in any form, including danger from personality disorders. I don’t see narcissism, I see dopamine!

[u/TrisolarisRexxx → u/Temporary-Budget-605]

Ooooh shiiiit

[u/Temporary-Budget-605 → u/TrisolarisRexxx]

I am lucky enough to be witnessing an “aha” moment in real time?

[u/TrisolarisRexxx → u/Temporary-Budget-605]

Yup lol. A lot of things suddenly make sense.

[u/Jedi_Blight858 → u/Temporary-Budget-605]

Relatable!

[u/MoldenkeWouldRemain → u/Temporary-Budget-605]

damn this is me

[u/Fabulous_Jeweler2732 → u/Temporary-Budget-605]

Yah, it comes from an insecurity, fear, and seeing men as an object or tool to an end. You must make decent money or come from money and be in good shape. Easy to objectify and honestly is the male version of objectification women experience. They don’t end the behavior after marriage, but they may time it down. I would imagine someone carrying on several almost relationships doesn’t have much time for meditation or personal reflection.

It’s a bit cultural though. That behavior happens more in dense cities or ‘liberal’ (aka non traditional family) areas.

[u/GreenGrassConspiracy → u/Fabulous_Jeweler2732]

I don’t think your political or cultural leanings -liberal vs conservative- or whether you live in cities vs rural has anything to do with your character, or sense of decency as there are good and bad people on both sides.

[u/AstronautOdd9682 → u/Main_Cauliflower5479]

He's the safe option, the work husband is the exciting one.

[u/OkBuy7821 → u/Main_Cauliflower5479]

Because people are wicked and she wanted to have her cake and eat it, too.

[u/bprasse81 → u/Main_Cauliflower5479]

Everyone has the capacity to be an asshole. Some more than others. There’s also a positive relationship between crazy and exciting in bed. It’s easy to ignore the warning signs if you’re hypnotized by love.

[u/montrerai]

i find it really gross and disrespectful when people with partners say they have a work husband or work wife

[u/Most_Prize_4282 → u/montrerai]

Imo the only right time to use that phrase is when you're actually legally married to your colleague. It's.... Problematic in all other contexts

[u/Crayoneater1996 → u/Most_Prize_4282]

I despise that phrase someone did it to me and a friend both male who happened to go tomlunch together to get out of office. They got mad at me when I told them not to use that phrase about me cuz it's disrespectful to my wife.

[u/nickster701 → u/Crayoneater1996]

I think that if its the gender youre not interested in its fine, otherwise its weird, but for two straight married guys to have a work husband is funny.

[u/fizzco_ → u/nickster701]

it’s only funny if both guys think it’s funny, though. if one/both see it as disrespectful, it’s a weird joke to continue.

[u/Difficult-Amount988 → u/fizzco_]

It’s been used in the Fire Dept I work for, always between straight dudes. You either both laugh or the one with the homophobic reaction becomes everyone’s work husband. I don’t make the rules.

[u/fizzco_ → u/Difficult-Amount988]

i’m queer and wouldn’t call it a homophobic reaction when the complaint is that it’s disrespectful to their existing, real marriage. which is the context we’re talking about here. the gender isn’t even really a factor.

[u/nickster701 → u/fizzco_]

Miss me with the people that don't find it funny though lmao

[u/daodancer8128 → u/nickster701]

I think it’s funny the way you describe it, especially if both men were secure in their masculinity but it would be inappropriate in any other circumstance

[u/Moleta1978 → u/nickster701]

One of my husband’s straight male coworkers introduced himself to others as “____’s work wife” right after I had introduced myself as “____’s wife” and it cracked me the fuck up.

[u/nickster701 → u/Moleta1978]

Haha, kinda off topic but I had my MIL introduce me and my wife to someone as her kids who are dating lmao

[u/all_the_reverb → u/nickster701]

I’m a straight male and have a work husband. We are both married to women and both find this hilarious.

[u/daodancer8128 → u/all_the_reverb]

Like, where’s your man? Oh, he’s getting brunch with his work husband 🤣🤣🤣

[u/JayTheSuspectedFurry → u/nickster701]

That happened to me once; coworkers were talking about each other being work partners but I didn’t know they weren’t attracted to each other’s genders yet and I was really confused

[u/lels0531 → u/Crayoneater1996]

I have a friend who i met when we were 7. Went to the same schools until college. Funnily, without even planning anything, id say its coincidence because we never had a discussion about what we wanted to do with our lives. We just end up meeting each other in different parts of our lives. Now at present we work at the same company. My wife calls him my work wife.

Its safe to say, my wife did not find it disrespectful that i have a work wife. Because she gave that title to my friend herself 😅

[u/L3m0n0p0ly → u/Most_Prize_4282]

Some of the lady mechanics i work with refer to each other as wifey, but i think this is completely different than this. Its more a lighthearted inside joke between us since its a sausage party with only like 5 of us ladies in that depot.

[u/OMGanEE4me → u/Most_Prize_4282]

My work husband is also my actual husband, and I think the term is super weird. Granted we were married before either one of us started working at our current jobs, and he has been there longer than me. Maybe the "order of operations" has something to do with it for me.

[u/jsher736 → u/Most_Prize_4282]

the person in charge of the supply closet is however "sugar-momma/daddy." especially if they also have snacks

[u/HallowskulledHorror → u/Most_Prize_4282]

The only time I have seen 'work spouse' language not evolve into an issue with people I know IRL is when it was two straight guys being silly at each other. We already have a word for a co-worker you get along with really well - a friend. If someone refers to a co-worker as their husband/wife, whether or not they mean it that way, it has connotations that are not appropriate if either person is in an exclusive, monogamous, relationship.

[u/Hunnyby → u/Most_Prize_4282]

Agreed. I don't even like it if both parties are single. Just date then.. because say they call eachother that, one of them gets into a relationship (not unlike OPs story I believe) and now it's "weird" to call it off or your new partner is "insecure" for disliking something they've always done..

I probably wouldn't get into a relationship with a guy if he told me about his "work wife." Like okaaay, sounds like you're spoken for then.

[u/Girl_Mom_98 → u/montrerai]

That’s why I only find work moms at workplaces. They feed you and bake you things. It’s the best.

[u/bouncypinata → u/Girl_Mom_98]

plus it makes the sex more forbidden and exciting

[u/MyNameIsJakeBerenson → u/bouncypinata]

Gonna need you to take ‘r down about 110%, there, Squirrelly Dan

[u/AngryAngryHarpo → u/bouncypinata]

Angriest upvote ever LOL 

[u/itsgoteletrolytes → u/montrerai]

I worked at a company with pretty much all women co-workers. They affectionately called themselves my work wives for years. I always thought it was weird and I never said I was their work husband. I was new and just tried to laugh it off because it seemed harmless and funny. That is until I got in a serious relationship with someone outside the company. They treated my girlfriend like she was temporary. “Oh you should have seen him when he was dating X. He was so much more excited to tell us...just kidding! He adores you!” They did shit like that and purposefully made her feel like a second pick.

They fucked up my relationship even when I asked them to stop, didn’t respect me or her and I ended up quitting a job I loved because it was so toxic. HR, like usual, was worthless.

Lesson learned, I now shut that shit down day 1 if someone implies more of a relationship than clocking in at the same building and doing similar tasks.

[u/montrerai → u/itsgoteletrolytes]

that’s so gross and invasive of them

[u/Low_Steak_2790 → u/itsgoteletrolytes]

It's times like these I am glad I work in IT and it is mostly men and nobody bothers me 

[u/WoahitsWelker915 → u/montrerai]

Yeah, I don't get that at all.

I'm a 6th grade teacher, and the only male teacher on my floor. I joke that I'm the "team husband" because I'm always fixing shit or doing shit for them. But I'm also single. It's so weird when married people say that....

Edit: almost all of us are single. And they all joke about it, too. One of them even calls me her "emotional support Welker." I've also been asked to handle way too many dead animals for the Zoology teacher...I'm legit building her a custom 4 story guinea pig condo out of like 3 different cage sets. Husband shit. But really it's just "Friend Shit" for me.

[u/Altruistic_View6630 → u/WoahitsWelker915]

Arguable that this is equivalent, you are the single guy engaging in this. If the female teachers told their spouses what you “joke” about it would be equally as disrespectful. The only context when it’s not boarding on boundaries are if both parties are single.

[u/WoahitsWelker915 → u/Altruistic_View6630]

Yeah I should have made clear. Almost everyone on my team is single. The only ones that are married is the woman who is about to retire, and another woman who is like 20 or so years older than me. Lol.

[u/2beagles → u/WoahitsWelker915]

This is why I prefer sibling names. A brother would do those things. My brother and brother-in-law totally do. It states a close, supportive and even intimate relationship but without any romantic or sexual connotation that would be inappropriate at work.

[u/WoahitsWelker915 → u/2beagles]

Solid point. 🤘

[u/OceanRacoon → u/WoahitsWelker915]

Yeah, it's only acceptable the way you use it, because you're the only man and single and saying yourself that you're married to all your colleagues, that makes it okay 😅

Do you ever wonder if the women you work with tell their husbands the only guy at work keeps calling himself everyone's husband whenever he helps them out? 

[u/WoahitsWelker915 → u/OceanRacoon]

Surprisingly, almost all of us are single. Only two of my team mates are married. The rest of us are either recently divorced or have been single for years.

I've also been called the "school dad" because I was repairing the Little Free Library and had just built a chicken coop and raised garden beds 🤣🤣

[u/OceanRacoon → u/WoahitsWelker915]

Whatever you do, don't call yourself School Daddy at work 😅

[u/joedee0777 → u/montrerai]

The whole work husband/wife thing is just an excuse to have an inappropriate relationship.

[u/Most_Temporary2110 → u/joedee0777]

It’s just other gender work bff. I’ve had lots. Never called them work wife but I’ve had best work friends that are women more than men. Now my wife works with me though and she’s my real bff

[u/dabPrassion → u/Most_Temporary2110]

My husband has a work husband. They hang out once a month and talk about hobbys. Its cute

[u/infinite_in_faculty → u/montrerai]

It's a red flag, an affair in the making.

[u/Affectionate-Ad3445 → u/montrerai]

As a straight married man.. the only acceptable time was when my wife started calling my straight male coworker my work wife. He's one of my closest friends and was a groomsmen in our wedding.

It honestly was more a joke because me and my best friends get mistaken for gay couples more often than anyone would expect. Never really bothered any of us. Hell, with some of my friends we would play into it after it happened because we thought it was funny. Or when me and one of my best friends growing up would both be single on Valentine's Day we would go get couples discounts together lol

I would be dead or divorced if I came home calling a woman at work my work wife. Don't plan on finding out which..

[u/L3m0n0p0ly → u/montrerai]

Yeah im so sorry that stupid work partner culture is so gross and disrespectful to both the person theyre married to and the person theyre 'work partners with'

[u/HedgehogOdd1603 → u/montrerai]

I was so mad when my coworker told me he told his wife I was his work wife. Like no the fuck I’m not. We no longer speak.

[u/Agreeable-Narwhal158 → u/montrerai]

I have a work husband, but he's married, and I'm a guy. His wife is really nice and luckily my gf isn't threatened by our guy love at all either lol.

On topic, I do think the thing is a weird concept. You can be work besties but work spouses feels like a whole big Grey area. But I feel like alot ifnit depends on the dynamic of the people, if their respective partners are aware of the labels and how they handle everything as well too

[u/soilsandseptics → u/Agreeable-Narwhal158]

I joke that my male coworker (both of us are straight men who are married/enaged) is my “work life partner” we started our careers together, I left a job and he followed to the new one. Our boss basically assigns us work interchangeably. They joke that when we eventually get promoted up they’re going to have to make it a 2 person position. It’s fun to have a best friend at work and we are the only non-LGBTQ men on our team so it’s become part of the we are the straight guys joke in the office. It also makes fun of the work wife/husband dynamic, we’re just good buddies.

[u/Agreeable-Narwhal158 → u/soilsandseptics]

Haha our joke with our work little sister is there's nothing wrong with 2 straight men in love lol. Me and my female coworker are the duo since we started together and we're always together. Then my other coworker is my work hubby who the whole dept knows about haha. We not ashamed of our love

[u/Antique-Basil-394 → u/Agreeable-Narwhal158]

I have had one work wife.

I was good work chums with her boyfriend, and she loved my girlfriend. A third coworker was our work "son" (he was about 7 years younger, and trying to figure out life).

That's the only time I ever claimed to have one.

[u/tirohtar → u/montrerai]

I don't even know how this is a thing. In today's work culture that should immediately get flagged by HR as problematic.

[u/Altruistic_Brick1730 → u/tirohtar]

Why would HR have anything to do with it? Why would they even know anything about it?

[u/Main-Rent4757 → u/tirohtar]

Not every workplace has HR. Some work cultures are also significantly more toxic than others.

This sort of thing is super common in restaurants, as an example.

[u/TheElusiveFox → u/tirohtar]

HR only cares if some one feels the relationship is inappropriate or abusive. If anything HR is going to encourage workplace friendships because they want a corporate "culture" where people hang out and bond with each other, and aren't going to look into it beyond that.

[u/Wesley11803 → u/montrerai]

Yeah, I even get slightly bothered hearing work mom/dad, but work husband/wife is super weird unless both people are single and interested in each other.

[u/smolbirdfriend → u/montrerai]

I came here to even ask wtf a work husband even is?!? I feel so sheltered rn but it sounds… bad

[u/Gnome__Alone → u/smolbirdfriend]

It is a co-worker you spend so much time working closely with, confide in, and enjoy time with, that they might know you better than your actual partner at home---and in some circumstances makes them a potential partner to have an affair with

[u/smolbirdfriend → u/Gnome__Alone]

Oof. Thanks for the explanation!

[u/WithSubtitles → u/montrerai]

I had a coworker call me her “work bestie” with no prompting on my end other than basic civility. It was clear she wanted to be “work” husband & wife. I quickly distanced myself asap.

[u/Every-Tooth-9055 → u/montrerai]

I had a male work bestie and we thought work husband / work wife was super gross, so we called each other “work siblings”.

[u/Minas_Nolme → u/montrerai]

Same. I'm a married man and I'm good friends with a married female colleague, and we unanimously agreed that we are work besties. It describes it well as she's my best friend at work, and it maintains an appropriate boundary and is respectful to our spouses. Calling anybody my wife instead of my actual wife just feels strange.

[u/Michael70z → u/Minas_Nolme]

lol I don’t get why you’re getting comments saying this Is problematic. You can have friends at work, and you can have friends of the opposite gender. The work spouse thing is weird but what’s the issue with this?

[u/DigitalWraithToly → u/Minas_Nolme]

I saw your comment and immediately audibly was like ‘YEAH WORK BESTIES’ - I’m also a married man who is good friends with a married female colleague. Ive always felt a special friendship spark with her (you know when you just click with someone immediately) and I really enjoy her company. I thought maybe I didn’t get the work wife/husband thing because I’m gay but I’m really happy to see other people use it because it’s the better term imho for a work colleague you genuinely really like.

[u/Silent_Possibility63 → u/montrerai]

Completely agree

[u/FloppieTheBanjoClown → u/montrerai]

The one exception is two guys I used to work with who became best friends and called each other "the work wife." They had a hilarious bromance and double dated with their wives regularly.

[u/S_renee96 → u/montrerai]

Agreed! As a married woman, I absolutely can not imagine calling anyone I work with a “work husband”. I genuinely don’t even understand how that starts.

Gross

[u/Newplasticactionhero → u/montrerai]

There was a woman on my team who used to call me her work husband and I asked if was because we were in a relationship that we were forced to work on because we argued all the time?

[u/NickAppleese → u/montrerai]

I don't understand this logic, either. Wife/husband is very storied terminology; then throw 'work' in the front of it just diminishes the meaning of the word/s.

[u/MissMimiKat → u/montrerai]

Me too, its even more revolting when someone or colleagues refer to you as someone's work wife... I always make it very clear it's gross 🤮

[u/Regular-Pangolin-664 → u/montrerai]

That's just a disaster waiting to happen. Always.

[u/96919 → u/montrerai]

Like wtf is that term, it feels like if you call somethat, they're fucking flat out. I have plenty of female coworker that Im very close to and i treat like sisters, but the notion of calling someone a work wife is the the stupidest thing ever.

[u/ResponseRelative6370 → u/montrerai]

I’ll happily be a work aunty, but never a work wife, nor would I ever call someone my work husband. It’s so icky.

[u/cappuccinoenthusiast → u/montrerai]

it's a really weird culture, we don't have this kind of shit around here people straightforward cheat without nicknames

[u/crimson777 → u/montrerai]

My dad used to joke about his work wife but that’s only because he had a coworker who had the exact same name, first and last, as my mom. That’s the only context I’ve found it to actually be entertaining and my mom and the coworker met plenty of times and enjoyed the coincidences.

[u/Dill_Pickleson_ → u/montrerai]

Exactly. I have one actual wife outside of work, at work I have a bunch of colleagues who I tolerate.

[u/whiteorchid1058 → u/montrerai]

I agree with you entirely.

Personally, I had a work husband BUT, I'm a straight female and he's a gay male. So it was very obvious that it was a joke and that it was because we were always paired together by management

[u/alejandrodeconcord → u/montrerai]

I have a friend at work who wanted to say that about me and him. I didn’t let it fly and put my foot down immediately, I have too much respect for my partner for that shit

[u/Utopian_Pigeon → u/montrerai]

My work wife was also a woman like me. We ended up as roommates. She was a bridesmaid at my wedding. We are still buds.

When it’s the gender you’re not attracted to I think it’s funny. But have seen if go pear shaped when it’s the other way.

Sucks when the work so ends up past just work.

[u/TraceMatrix → u/montrerai]

I never understood the acceptance of the term either

[u/MonsutaReipu → u/montrerai]

because it is, and anyone who has a 'work husband' or 'work wife' is morally bankrupt

[u/Lord_of_Allusions]

Work husband?  Soft launched?

Ew.

[u/Danarhk → u/Lord_of_Allusions]

What does "soft launched" mean, in this context?

[u/AbbreviationsSea7955 → u/Danarhk]

it likely means she posted him on her social media for the first time. hard launched would be a formal announcement of a relationship of some sort

[u/Texugee → u/Danarhk]

I’m confused too

[u/LightofNew → u/Lord_of_Allusions]

Work Husband : Middle School / Highschool equivalent of the best friend you don't live by. You only occasionally see them out of context, and everyone wonders if they are dating yet.

Soft Launch : Made some kind of social media post of them doing couple shit without explicitly saying "we are dating now" but also definitely not friendzone.

[u/MirandaS2 → u/LightofNew]

Is soft launch a commonly used term?

edit: oh I'm just old

[u/Unit_79 → u/MirandaS2]

It’s commonly used for public facing businesses, usually a restaurant. They will do a soft launch where they are open for a night or two, advertise to friends, family, industry usually, before having a grand opening, or just regular open hours. Retail shops will sometimes do it too. Using it for a relationship is more an influencer thing, and super lame. If I had an ex who “soft launched” her new guy, it would tell me I dodged a fucking bullet.

[u/MirandaS2 → u/Unit_79]

This is the context I know soft launch from - hadn't ever heard it regarding relationships or anything. Thank you for the explanation, thought I was going crazy

[u/LightofNew → u/MirandaS2]

It's a gen z / a girl term.

So no but not unique.

[u/edcculus → u/LightofNew]

lol I assumed “soft launch” was like soaking or something new the kids were doing.

[u/Aggravating-Chef8388 → u/Lord_of_Allusions]

I'm sorry for the guy, but I'm mid 20s and the terms "work husband" and "soft launch" remind me of high school. 

[u/LightofNew → u/Aggravating-Chef8388]

Highschool never ends....

[u/Aggravating-Reach473]

"I barely saw her all night."

Oof buddy😬, did you start to suspect something after this, or...?

[u/itsBrvndo → u/Aggravating-Reach473]

For me it would have been the "work husband". Wtf is that?? If my wife tells me she has a work husband that mf better be chipping in on rent and groceries.

[u/Noicty → u/Aggravating-Reach473]

My ex wife went outside to get her coat one time, she still hasn’t made it back.

[u/SanAinvestor → u/Noicty]

Is this a true story… if not , I’m sorry… hope she didn’t get murdered!

[u/Visible_Window_5356]

Ugh that's so rough man. My heart goes out to you. Hope you find space to grieve and move on in time

[u/FormalRecognition467 → u/Visible_Window_5356]

Thank you brother.

[u/Missed_Your_Joke]

Yeah, if my wife ever broomed me aside at a wedding we went to together the whole night, I'd fucking leave, man. I had an ex that pulled that garbage on me, and it's manipulative, narcissistic nonsense. She also ended up cheating on me. The constant fighting no matter what you do is a dead giveaway. She fucking sucks.

But man, Im sorry youre going through it. I know its too early to tell now, but this a good thing. You dodnt marry her or have kids with her. Just gotta build up your self esteem now.

Its cliché as fuck, but it's a cliche because it works. Work on yourself. Exercise, eat right, engage in your hobbies. Whether you decide to stay or go, your behaviour remains the same. But dont dedicate any mental bandwidth to her. Because just like my own ex, your ex fucking sucks.

[u/boss302goat]

Deep down you knew. You just ignored the red flags because you wanted to believe in the version of the reality you thought you had with her.

[u/envisionJayyy → u/boss302goat]

The dude moving with her when she switched jobs was a huuuuuuuge red flag.

[u/Successful_Cost_6997 → u/envisionJayyy]

That flag was on fire.

[u/foreverandadayalone → u/envisionJayyy]

Enormous

[u/Serious-Cap-8190 → u/boss302goat]

If he had the grace of giving her the benefit of the doubt, and she betrayed that trust, that's on her, not him.

[u/IWouldLikeAName → u/Serious-Cap-8190]

I feel bad for the guy and obviously what she did was disgusting but literally every step of the way was a red flag and a line i would refuse to to let her cross.

I think the only reason he was so tolerant is because he moved there but come on as soon as work husband comes up(after he moves so damn far) it's a no no. Follows her to her new job, are you serious? You go as her date to her friend's wedding and he's there and you don't even hang out with her all throughout??

I'm legitimately just baffled

[u/Awesomepossum238 → u/boss302goat]

Very true, I’ve been there and it always seems so obvious in hindsight. Sometimes it’s hard to look at situations objectively which is why I think it’s important to have a few people close to you who are very honest and truly have the best in mind for you

[u/LikeALizzard → u/boss302goat]

The lack of tact some redditors display is extraordinary

[u/smegmaboi420 → u/LikeALizzard]

One man's tact is another man's needless obfuscation.

[u/kalnoreth-i5 → u/LikeALizzard]

Some ppl make it clear by their willingness to ignore the obvious when it is in front of their eyes that they require something a bit more direct than others...something void of tact and to the point that circumvents their tendency to "not see"

[u/BIGGULPSHUHALRIGHT-]

Youre eating steak with ketchup. You can surpass anything brother.

[u/FormalRecognition467 → u/BIGGULPSHUHALRIGHT-]

I’ll take that brother.

[u/Wild_Lawfulness_2173]

What does soft launched mean?

[u/RoetRuudRoetRuud → u/Wild_Lawfulness_2173]

Soft launch is like posting a photo together on instagram. Hard launch is introducing them as your partner to your friends, family or colleagues.

[u/that_one_bunny → u/Wild_Lawfulness_2173]

She's testing the waters to see how her friends would react to her being with the work guy. Could be inviting him to a night out 'as a friend', posting social media pics or even just asking her friends hypotheticals about him.

[u/Chaddilllac → u/that_one_bunny]

The fuck? He a prototype phone or some shit lmao?

[u/We_Doodle]

Wow, bless your soul man. I know how the ldr is as I did it myself and I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Moving across the world because of love and then finding out you were betrayed is another type of pain. Good luck, won’t be an easy road but keep on driving and it’ll get smooth.

[u/FormalRecognition467 → u/We_Doodle]

Thank you. It’s rough and going to be rough. I set up a life here, taxes, car payments, bills. I’m renting an outhouse until Christmas where I’ll need to decide what to do. Whirlwind of emotions but I know I need to get through it.

[u/Typical-Ad8088]

Genuine question to ANYONE here that can make sense of this to me. Why would you be with a woman or man who has a “work spouse”? Does this not scream danger?

[u/engineered_academic → u/Typical-Ad8088]

At the least it speaks to emotional infidelity that in my opinion is not allowed in my relationship.

[u/_Redvent_Bard_ → u/Typical-Ad8088]

Because it can technically be genuine and harmless. There are people who use it as a joke and mean it as a joke.

Personally, I find it still to be in poor taste. I don't engage with that kind of nonsense and if my partner did, I would tell her I don't like it. If she chooses to continue even though I've expressed my dislike of it, that's a good cue that my feelings aren't super important to her, because asking someone not to engage with an iffy "joke" really shouldn't be a big deal.

[u/clericone- → u/Typical-Ad8088]

Yes and a lot of men ignore it against their own gut because they don't want to come off as insecure or controlling. If people spend a lot of time together, have personal conversations, and bond over a lot of things feelings can pop up.

[u/rooble]

Having a partner that refers to someone as their work husband is a red flag

[u/vardalkar]

You may find some relief in that all the excitement of getting it on w the "work husband" will be gone as soon as they go steady and have a normal relationship.

[u/roddybee91 → u/vardalkar]

100%

[u/rocketmn69_]

Report them to their HR

[u/ChaosRainbow23 → u/rocketmn69_]

Most places don't give a shit, honestly. Like, the VAST MAJORITY.

[u/Famous_Cat1569 → u/ChaosRainbow23]

As they should. It’s absolutely none of their business what I do in my private life, even if another colleague is involved. 

[u/rocketmn69_ → u/Famous_Cat1569]

If it affects the business , it does matter.

[u/Chris_The-Wookie → u/rocketmn69_]

This is the answer!!! Be petty AF!!! Do it anonymously though.

[u/AppearanceOk5806]

The idea of a work husband and work wife is so fucked disrespectful. Like a marriage is serious commitment to each through hardness and good time. If you get fire tomorrow from your job, is your work spouse going to leave with company with you? No! So don't be calling each other husband and wife.

Next thing you fucken know they're "working fucking" their "work spouse". Fucking BS.

[u/FormalRecognition467 → u/AppearanceOk5806]

She did go to a new job, he did go with her… really I should have seen the writing on the wall a lot sooner, but I just didn’t think it would happen that way.

[u/AppearanceOk5806 → u/FormalRecognition467]

She shouldn't have done it in thefirst place. But if she could do that with him, she would have done it with anyone. Some women are just made for the streets.

[u/WilDraDo → u/AppearanceOk5806]

I saw a podcast with Dr Mike and they asked the other person about relationships with other nurses. The other guy said that it really wasn't about compatibility but Trauma bonding. I gotta be honest I feel as though alot of work based relationships are just that, and all the relationships I've seen of others none of the work ones lasted.

[u/Successful_Cost_6997 → u/FormalRecognition467]

Try not to be hard on yourself for trusting what was so blatant that it didn't register. That's normal when you're committed to loving someone but they're deceptive. You're going to thrive without her now and find your way to a loving relationship, I promise. Just be kind to yourself about this shitty situation please.

[u/lochness_3_50]

I'm not gonna comment on your relationship, and I sympathize.

What I'd rather do is talk about your next steps. I've been in the position where I had to choose to stay in a country where I no longer had "my person". I chose to stay, and built a life of my own there. Here are some thoughts that might help you make your choices:

• do you have your own friends there
• is there a support system built around you
• medical and health, are they covered? As I pushed my 30s I started getting more issues. Keep that in mind.
• work and finances, do you have opportunities? Local language and culture are important to be able to progress in careers. Have an honest conversation with yourself if you can handle that.
• are you having fun? It took me a long time (6 years) before I could get comfortable enough to slow down and enjoy. Don't take that long

I wish you luck

[u/GiggletrxMcGillacudi]

If these work husband and work wife people would just focus doing their job, we probably could all work from home and have Fridays off.

[u/RecipeFunny2154]

I always found this such a weird concept. Most of my friends are women. I make friends with people at work just fine. And even if there’s someone I have to work with more than others, I would never have thought of them as a “work wife”. I get that it’s supposed to be humorous, but it just seems odd. Strange to me that it’s as common as it is.

[u/engmadison → u/RecipeFunny2154]

Do people openly call other people work spouses in these situations? If either me or my wife did that, it would be a massive red flag.

Second the confusion about soft launching.

[u/RecipeFunny2154 → u/engmadison]

I’ve worked with people who referred to their coworkers as that, yes. Generally, I think it’s harmless but I guess you don’t know lol

[u/Master_Yappers2222]

I do not understand the concept of work husband/work wife? You work to make money and go home at the end of the day, not be seeing someone else inappropriately. Honestly the culture of it is bullshit.

[u/Successful_Cost_6997 → u/Master_Yappers2222]

I worked for a guy whose wife also worked at the company. She and I would get drinks occasionally and SHE called me his work wife one night when she was complaining about him (she had a lot of issues with him that were authentic; he was not a good person) and I immediately said, "NOT IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM am I his work wife! That grosses me out!" and maybe I shouldn't have added that gross out part, because she looked shocked someone would find that idea gross. I found both him in that light, and the concept that people have work spouses, very strange. They're divorced now so, hah. I agree, concept is totally bizarre.

[u/StaticAt2AM]

Honestly, wtf is a work husband ? I wouldn't even want to be friend with someone who has a 'work' husband or wife, let alone closer

[u/TalkingCat910 → u/StaticAt2AM]

I always thought this was a stupid term.  And the “joke” is also stupid.  

On some level these ppl that use it have some kind of attraction to their coworker even if it’s emotional and even if it’s small and won’t go anywhere.

Think about your coworkers.  If you have a purely professional relationship with them you wouldn’t be comfortable or even think of joking they are your spouse regardless of how much time you spend with them.  I know that hasn’t crossed my brain with coworkers. 

[u/windchillx07 → u/StaticAt2AM]

Typically a really close friendship with someone of the opposite sex at work. This friendship can be exclusively work dependent (meaning it really only plays itself out at the office) or it can extend outward as it did in OPs case.

But in both situations the dynamic is usually a very close one, often other work colleagues assuming the pair is dating due to how often they are together or how they interact at the office.

Every time I've seen a work husband/wife dynamic it's between two people who WOULD be dating, or exploring it, if they already weren't married or in a relationship with someone else. Or they have interest in each other but aren't specifically the type of person they would date so they leave it all at work.

[u/SwiftSausage]

Reminds me of my situation, kind of similar. Moved to another country with my ex. Gave up everything as well only for her to cheat on me several times, then I ended up losing my job and most of my belongings, kinda just lost everything.

Had to return to my home country and do what felt like starting from the ground up again. The story is complicated but that's the jist of it so I feel you. The journey will be tough to the end of the tunnel but there's light.

[u/shamanphenix]

A "work husband"? WTF?

[u/PaleFly]

"She had a work husband and I thought nothing of it"

Bro... why?

[u/bingle-cowabungle]

Biggest glass I got raised for you brother.

[u/TALKTOME0701]

I have my concerns about a woman my husband worked with. He talked about her a lot, soon to think everything she did was funny when it was clear she was a pretty awful person 

The minute I heard someone call my ex-husband's "friend" his work wife, I knew that was a nail in the coffin

Heterosexual individuals having work husbands and work wives it's just a way to get around saying boyfriend and girlfriend

[u/RIPmynightmares → u/TALKTOME0701]

Imo "work wives/husbands", "celebrity crushes", etc, are just half-admissions that you're not completely focused on your actual partner/spouse.

[u/Acceptable-Ninja-151 → u/RIPmynightmares]

You can cheat with your 'work wife' but Madelaine Petsch isn't going to jerk you off in a supply closet.

[u/Knuck1edragger77 → u/TALKTOME0701]

As an older heterosexual man whose been married for 30 years. You can be friendly but there is only one woman who is your best friend.

[u/econoDoge]

Some people are always looking for a perceived upgrade, doesn't matter if they are 20 or 90 yrs old. Unfortunately you never know because they also won't tell you that you are the best they have found so far but the moment they find something better in their eyes you are gone.

The funny thing is that it usually doesn't stop with the perceived better option, I would bet good money that the work husband is going to one day wake up to be the lesser option.

If you don't have kids and have what looks like options about where to live/work I think you will be fine, the hardest part is probably convincing yourself that the person you fell in love with was not really the person you thought.

Good luck !

[u/DookieCough73]

I’m curious given the situation was this some sort of scam you fell for?

[u/Ok_Contribution_6965]

Work husband? wtf I thought this was a joke.
I’m sorry man.

[u/ExaminationTime3271]

Them going to a new company together would have been the end of it for me. Her basically ditching me at one of her friend's weddings would have also done it. There was a concerted effort here that included her friends. Good luck, my friend. If you haven't figured out a way to make things difficult for her, I hope something brilliant comes to mind!

[u/408javs408]

Did you know she had a work husband during the LDR?

[u/robjohnlechmere]

People don't use language that implies they have sex with their coworkers unless they have an interest in sex with their coworkers.

[u/Endurotraplife]

Leave her and move on with your life. She has no regard for you or your wants. You need to have that regard for your OWN needs and wants.
But have you had a conversation about this man and tried to set boundaries and the consequences of conforming to said boundaries? I.E you leave?

[u/Iamnotpoopin]

After just 6 MONTHS of LDR you leave EVERYTHING to be with someone,who has a work husband,in another country? I support the work husband

[u/Idiotology101 → u/Iamnotpoopin]

OP was the side piece all along

[u/Ssme812]

I would go back home/your country. Get you life back in order. That sucks she wasted your time.

[u/TheHollywoodKnight]

Posts like this are exhibit A whenever someone throws out “you need to trust your partner” when someone expresses concern about an obviously inappropriate relationship.

[u/TheTeddyPanda]

At the moment you feel like crap and your trust is broken....BUT you dodged a bullet my friend. i know that my words means nothing at the moment. Imagine you were married and had kids. The devastation would be much much bigger than right now. Give it time to heal a bit. (i raise a bottle for you internet stranger).

[u/BalthaticusTheTurd]

I don’t think people who cheat at work care about the psychological ramifications their actions have on their partners. Some people handle the pain impressively, other people are destroyed. It’s weird when you realize that emotionally destroying your partner literally causes physical brain damage. If you sense your course is hurting your partner, then maybe ease off on the throttle a bit. Of course, if they don’t do the same when you’re uneasy… you’re likely dating someone who will hurt you, and oddly enough, somehow, attempt to make it your fault.

[u/image-sourcery]

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[u/Observational-Mess]

Depends which country

[u/FormalRecognition467 → u/Observational-Mess]

The USA. Despite all of the craziness going on, I’ve enjoyed my time here and broadly speaking most people I’ve met have been incredibly friendly and welcoming.

[u/Yellow_Butterfly_7]

Please, whoever reads this, do not accept anyone who tells you that they have a work-bullshit-spouse. No sane, loving, and devoted person would ever to that to their partner.

[u/deaglebingo]

dude first lemme say i'm sorry. that's the most bullshit thing. i've done shitty things like this to others in the distant past and had it done to me in various ways... although i think my ex wife still doesn't think i know. anyway i grew up eventually... you clearly already are i would be fuming and not be able to post here about it if i were you.

wanted to add... how screwed are we that we're talking about this stuff with terms like "soft launch" and "work wife or husband"?... it's no disrespect to you whatsoever. i just feel like we're so often describing our lives in the terminology of the ppl making all our lives shittier. i feel like black and brown folks will laugh reading this too which is fair. (the hope is good ppl all end up in the same place eventually and respect the wildly different paths we all took to get there i guess.)