I became the middle age dad cliché I always wanted to avoid

[u/ChristianCRWriter]

Edit: I am close to delete this post and regret it already.

There are so few outlets outlets for people to vent without being judged or examined or mistrusted. Even in anonymous communities.

My writing was criticed. My choice of style and words. The way I was purposely vague because I am not about to open up about myself with strangers. Some people say it's AI. That hurt.

People called me closeted, cheater, pedo.

I wrote this in the 20 mins it took for the restaurant to prep our order. I used to carry a journal and write but it doesn't help anymore. I wrote here the way I would do for myself. Sorry if my style and the way I put it is not up to your standards.

Thank you to everyone that offered help and diagnosed me. I will take it very much into account. Going to therapy is being in my mind but I wouldn't even know where to start.

We all go through good patches and bad patches and most of us carry on.

I have a near perfect life but feeling blue or tired or invisible can happen to all of us.

I reject the idea that we live in a world where everything needs to be spelled out. What are my forbidden appetites? Doesn't matter. What are yours? You don't have them? Well, good for you.

I do. I want to do things I can no longer do for social or practical reasons.

It doesn't matter if it's OK with you. You don't have to empathize with me and my feelings.

The only reason I am going to leave this up is because I saw it's connected with people feeling the same. A lot have said so in DMs. But honestly if you are in this community to point and judge maybe go somewhere else.

I will not engage in 101 chat but I appreciate everyone who has reached out. Thank you.

****************************

ORIGINAL POST

In my forties.

Love my wife and family. Don’t cheat.

Life feels void.

I am a machine that supports a system I created myself. A mechanical piece of a complex operation every one depends on.

I am loved and cared for but I am increasingly empty.

All of what I once was, no longer am.

Each one of my appetites is forbidden or wrong or frown upon.

I can’t complain. I have an excellent life.

Even coming here people will say “I pity your wife”.

They always do. Because I am not supposed to feel. I am a machine.

Suck it up, Jhonny.

I am here for my children. For their needs. For their dreams and desires even when they don’t want to talk to me, only when they do, then they need my full attention.

Everything my wife and I were before is gone. Love grows and matures, people say. Well, I wish our love was immature.

I wish I never grew up but I was born old.

I am the person I hoped I never was and the person I always looked up to.

Dinner: chicken sandwiches for me and the wife.

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[u/Vennimagos]

You sound depressed man. You may need actual legitimate help in restructuring parts of your day, how you self soothe and what interests you're pursuing and getting lost in. You cannot sustain that feeling without it affecting your household and everyone will pay for it. You're in the bucket of self pity and self loathing and you're just going to grow resentful and awful to be around.

Talk to a psychologist man and find out what's actually making you feel empty and how to properly express and communicate yourself to your partner

[u/Candid_Holiday1042 → u/Vennimagos]

This. I know it's not really an advice thread, but if you feel empty after interacting with your loved ones, there might be like a chemical imbalance or something. I had a friend who sounded a lot like OP until she got to therapy and got the right antidepressant.

[u/forcebynature → u/Candid_Holiday1042]

Or... people enjoy hobbies and other things that he obviously don't get to enjoy. What part of "my kids see me as a wallet" is supposed to make him all warm inside lol

[u/Not_Paid_Just_Intern → u/forcebynature]

>What part of "my kids see me as a wallet" is supposed to make him all warm inside

Firstly: I don't see OP saying that quote you've attributed to him in his original post. Am I blind, or are you citing some other comment?

Secondly: assuming OP really did say that, I wouldn't frame it like he should feel warm inside about it. But is it possible that he's only characterizing it that way because he's depressed? Or is it possible that they only see him that way because he's withdrawn and his depression is impacting his relationships?

I'm not saying "OP is definitely clinically depressed" but I am saying that if he's depressed, it could explain a lot of these feelings.

[u/ResplendentMechanism → u/forcebynature]

Having an active and robust sense of self, and the ability to prioritize his own needs à la the airplane oxygen mask that you put on yourself before assisting others.

[u/142638503846383038 → u/forcebynature]

Where did he say that? Regardless, should be aware that it is completely normal to be the provider as a dad and a parent. Even if money didn’t exist…

[u/Awkward-Fox-7215 → u/Candid_Holiday1042]

I agree, this sounds a lot like some kind of chemical imbalance issue.

OP needs to get himself some Prozac or Wellbutrin (or your RX of choice) and then set aside time and money to do some things he enjoys.

[u/Arsenalllllllll → u/Awkward-Fox-7215]

Taking an antidepressant is fine but the chemical imbalance theory for why they work or for why people are depressed is not supported by current science. The chemical imbalance theory was created by marketing companies in the 90s when there was a stigma around mental health issues.

[u/JesusWasATexan → u/Vennimagos]

This shit hit me in my mid forties. It helps to have someone to talk to.

[u/[deleted] → u/Vennimagos]

I am not OP but I'm in the same place. I'm definitely depressed (always have been), but I think you have the causality backwards. Moving into the family life phase has made the depression so much worse because of exactly what OP is talking about.

All the things that lightened the load are gone and have been replaced with things that make the load heavier.

[u/Tigglebee → u/[deleted]]

Same, but it’s good advice for OP to talk to a professional about it.

[u/G8r8SqzBtl → u/[deleted]]

damn, this sums it up well.. Im only in my 30s and this feels like the cycle for the next 30 years

[u/GooeyKablooie_ → u/Vennimagos]

You all have free time during the day?

[u/Detharjeg → u/GooeyKablooie_]

If you by asking this define "free time" as time to decide what to do yourself, and you don't have that, you're a slave. No matter your wage, no matter your relationships.

If you by asking this define "free time" as lesser throwaway time to the 'important' things, and place self-work in that lesser time spent, you're a bad investor.

The concept of "free time" implies that you'd rather do something else if you could. You can. Getting out of the jail and slavery of your own and other people's expectations takes real hard work and a lot of investment into yourself though.

[u/IndigoTrailsToo → u/Vennimagos]

This

Everything OP wants to do boils down to "i want to self medicate to feel better"

But none of the things mentioned last very long...

Meds help a lot

[u/[deleted] → u/IndigoTrailsToo]

Meds help a lot

Sometimes. For some people. They're definitely worth trying.

[u/AlpsSuspicious8737]

How old are your kids? If they’re very young, yeah, that’ll mostly do that.

And I’ll stop there before I start giving advice or something.

[u/[deleted] → u/AlpsSuspicious8737]

Have an 8 month old kiddo here and I feel pretty much the same as OP. Holy shit it sucks fucking balls having a baby. Just absolute fucking endless misery and toil and it just fucking sucks. Worst mistake of my life having kids (judged to this point of the process). Open to that assessment changing, but knowing what I know now, I would never, ever, ever have agreed to have a kid. It is a nightmare.

[u/DJDanaK → u/[deleted]]

I'm a mom of two who are now both school age, and I always get shocked looks when I admit that I'd completely skip their whole first year if I could.

The baby is a vessel of need and your existence is decoding the cries and screams, screams that are biologically designed to be unignorable. It's real psychological torture at times. All your off time is purely devoted to obligations. I was miserable both times, only slightly less so the second time because I knew it would happen.

But around 1 year old things begin to get easier. Not easy, but easier. Your kids develop a bit of a personality, they start wanting your company. Their eyes reliably light up when you enter the room. They are laughing and playing more. They are hitting milestones quickly and you'll see the little cogs working in their head as they learn, and you know you had a hand in that. They'll start to actually communicate, sometimes, in ways that aren't crying. It really helps, and I really didn't feel like I could bond with either of my kids until around this age.

I know that doesn't really help right now because you're knee deep in the shit, but you're in good company and you'll see the other side sooner rather than later. Yeah it's a nightmare and it's ok to say that. I'm glad you still have an open mind for the future.

[u/[deleted] → u/DJDanaK]

Yeah, I know. I'm trying to hold on till it gets better. 

But if I'm being honest, unless having an older kid is like, much better than every good thing that's happened to date in my life put together, I can't imagine it ever being worth this hell. 

The first three months are like being in fucking Guantanamo Bay.

And all I feel towards the tyke most of the time is resentment.

And toddlers are really hard in their own ways.

I'm basically expecting to have to hunker down until he's about eight or so.

[u/DJDanaK → u/[deleted]]

Honestly feel like 3-6 is the sweet spot. It's pretty awesome seeing little kids literally be the best of us. They're impulsive and that's what people focus on, the throwing shit on the floor or tantrums, but most of the time they are just really nice, earnest little people who find everything incredibly fun, and want others to have a good time.

At 8 they start quoting memes and crashing their bike badly and liking kpop concerningly much, so... each stage comes with their ups and downs lol. 

Anyway. My heart goes out to you, it really does. You're doing your best at the thing you're supposed to be doing and that's all you can do. If it's worth anything I really think you're gonna be ok. It's good that you're talking about it. And if you do end up needing to talk to someone else about it I hope you will/have reached out also bc lord knows I needed to at points.

[u/civgo987123456 → u/[deleted]]

Dude, parent of a toddler here - it gets better. I hated year one so much, but each stage got better and better.

It’s hard af but hang in there. Now I couldn’t imagine doing anything different with my life and I love everything about being a dad.

I know the jump between “I hate this to I love this” isn’t clear in my post but just trust that things will get easier and you’ll start to love everything about the little person you’re making.

[u/i_love_toki → u/AlpsSuspicious8737]

That was my thought as well. I don't have kids, mostly for this reason. All of the people I know who had kids seem to feel this for some period of time, even though they love their kids and wouldn't trade them for anything.

[u/AlpsSuspicious8737 → u/i_love_toki]

Cool, since you’re not OP, I can develop my ideas further! 🤪

I’d add to this: the trick is to get unstuck from this situation once the kids start being more autonomous, and to allow each other some personal time between the parents (and quality time together, obviously). It’s too easy after something like 5-10 years (depending on how many kids people have, too) to just keep going on autopilot. At the risk of needing yourself back so bad at some point that you start doing stupid shit. (#midlifecrisis)

[u/IllustriousShake6072 → u/AlpsSuspicious8737]

Yup, being a present dad for young kids made me clinically depressed. Meds didn't help, or helped someonewhat but made my libido go away. Now they're a bit bigger, and I make myself go swimming etc alone a couple times a week / month. Y'know, doing something for me. Going to work then going home to just continue to work is no way to live...

[u/Sonamdrukpa → u/i_love_toki]

It's the sleep deprivation that does it

[u/LamppostBoy]

I feel like "forbidden appetites" could be clearer. Are we talking golf or cannibalism?

[u/South-Fun-1866 → u/LamppostBoy]

Based on his statements, it's probably dead bedroom. Blowjobs at that point are a forbidden appetite.

[u/zxexx → u/South-Fun-1866]

Well I understand his wife not wanting him to blow any other guys

[u/Worthtitle_4050 → u/LamppostBoy]

Hmm, “it’s Tony time?”

[u/ItsNotInflammatory → u/LamppostBoy]

Lol I read this as " I just cant do coke with the boys anymore, and ever since I slapped her sisters ass I cant drink at the family functions either"🤣🤣

[u/Federal-Owl5816 → u/ItsNotInflammatory]

*>* Each one of my appetites is forbidden or wrong or frown upon

(Comments suggest he misses doing coke, sex, weed, partying like a college student)

(Looks inside)

*>* Yeah I want to smoke a cigar every once in a while.

I think homeboy is depressed. He thinks he needs to be a machine for his family and thus his interests are second to being a good day. They're not.

[u/z0hu → u/ItsNotInflammatory]

Lol yea I assumed it was drugs. feel like weed is the most common and probably the most given up for the sake of family, though many continue to do it with mixed results.

[u/MightyGamera → u/z0hu]

it's legal up here, my Friday nights I sometimes microdose on the dl and play minecraft with my kid

[u/z0hu → u/MightyGamera]

That's a good way to do it. My dad would smoke in his bathroom and always seem to be trying to get us out of the house so he could smoke more. I feel like that already had a negative effect on our relationship.

I do wonder if things would have been different if it was legal back then. He was very paranoid about it. His weed-paranoia eventually led to him making a few bad decisions that contributed to his death at 52. Maybe if it had been legal back then, he would still be alive, but who knows

[u/BullfrogNew3110 → u/ItsNotInflammatory]

I’m pretty sure this is exactly what op as worried about and what he feels he receives whenever he talks about this. You just made a pretty rude assumption based on preconceived notions. He may be shitty he may not be. Maybe give someone the benefit of the doubt?

[u/Nicklename → u/BullfrogNew3110]

I agree. OP is opening up like a late 90's, early 2000's movie about the ennui of a guy living a seemingly perfect life only he can tell things aren't right. And this guy comes in "I bet he's on coke and sexually assaulted his sister-in-law!"

Being 45 is a lot like being 15. Things seem to be OK, you've got a routine, you're old enough where there's a light at the far end of a tunnel (graduating, retiring) but young enough where that tunnel still seems to drag on. And there are days you just want to be a melancholy layabout and quote emo lyrics in your social media of choice but everyone around you just wants you to know your shit is not as bad as their shit.

Forbidden appetites for a middle age guy in the mid 2020s include eating takeout midday without your spouse giving you side-eye about either the expense or because they wanted some too. It's trying to take a half day at work to play video games only to realize you don't meet the skill level for them to be enjoyably difficult and you don't have the patience to "play" on easy modes that make it 30 hour movie with QTEs. It's wondering how you can ask to mix the sex up a little from regularly scheduled missionary without sounding like Al Bundy or any other boomer-era sex pest husband.

This guy just wants to pick the toppings for family pizza night without everyone in the household bitching about how he's got a pizza all to himself because they all hate BBQ chicken ranch whatever. He's not talking about sipping infant blood from a chalice bedazzled with the most unethically sourced diamonds possible.

[u/smytti12 → u/BullfrogNew3110]

Yeah these comments are really proving the issue with men come often from men themselves. "Bro you suck for being sad."

[u/prosthetic_memory → u/ItsNotInflammatory]

I read it as “i wanna wear diapers”

[u/bwood246 → u/ItsNotInflammatory]

"Who knew starting a family would mean I have to stop partying like a college student"

[u/Entire_Manufacturer5 → u/LamppostBoy]

Illegal racing or poker nights with the boys? Getting a motorcycle or snorting coke off strippers? Instructions unclear.

[u/Sonamdrukpa → u/Entire_Manufacturer5]

Worse - World of Warcraft 

[u/NoFewSatan → u/LamppostBoy]

Everything could be clearler. OP is just doing a creative writing exercise.

[u/Jackal_6 → u/LamppostBoy]

He wants to cheat, that's why it's the first thing he said.

[u/IEnjoyVariousSoups → u/LamppostBoy]

Any hobby costing more than $0 or one minute. It makes others think "Hey, that could be mine if I complain."

[u/[deleted] → u/LamppostBoy]

Things you give up when you have a family: everything

[u/kaltulkas → u/[deleted]]

You’re doing something wrong dear

[u/Mr-Blah → u/[deleted]]

Speaking like every single person who shouldn't have made a family to begin with.

[u/FCR_6X]

What exactly do you miss about yourself from before? Is it hobbies, or just the feeling of being unencumbered?

[u/Dains84 → u/FCR_6X]

Not OP but similar situation - it's probably a fair amount of both. When kids get added to the mix, it becomes extremely difficult to be spontaneous, and everything has to account for them. For example, when we go to the Renaissance Festival, we can't just get sloppy on mead and go to whatever shows or shops we want anymore. Not everyone has the ability to do this, but asking a family member to watch the kids for a weekend so you can do something child free helps there.

As for the loss of hobbies, I didn't sit down and analyze why it happened until recently, but I realized we just outgrew our current space. Might be time to look into a bigger place, if able.

Kind of a cliche suggestion, but I recently started therapy and talking it through with someone unbiased is how I came to those realizations.

[u/FCR_6X → u/Dains84]

No doubt kids changes things especially when they're little. I do feel like the loss of hobbies is sometimes self-imposed. The message we get is that adults need to be serious and give up the things that made us happy when we were young. I'm in my late 30s with two kids and I'm still going to punk shows a couple times a month. It's harder, and you need to have and be a supportive partner, but if you work at it, it's possible.

[u/Dains84 → u/FCR_6X]

Yeah, that tracks. One of my friends is a big PC gamer and his wife doesn't really like it, but she doesn't stop him, either. I'm lucky in that my partner actually encourages my nerd shit, but that exacerbated the "running out of space" issue, haha.

[u/FCR_6X → u/Dains84]

Yeah haha I haven't found a solution for that yet

[u/Swaglfar → u/Dains84]

so true! Throwing kids into the mix changes everything, but me and my wife do (mostly) everything we used to do, just a child in tow now. And he loves it! Hikes, breakfast, late ice cream run, go get BBQ! Whatever we do he's just... there with us!

Ive heard this and its so true, having a child is like reducing your 1-10 scale to ONLY 1s and 10s. There is nothing 2 - 9 its just 1s and 10s. Higher highs! and lower lows! (Anyone whos changed a blow out diaper can attest to this haha)

[u/habitualtroller → u/[deleted]]

One thing that helped me is my wife and I get 1 hour a week by ourselves.  

Sometimes I go to sonic and eat ice cream and just sit there listening to the music I like without fussing or sharing.  Getting to pick the ice cream you want is really nice sometimes. 

[u/habitualtroller → u/[deleted]]

Mini Oreo blast

[u/[deleted] → u/habitualtroller]

See that's what makes family life so fucking depressing. The idea that one hour a week to ourself is the best we can hope for. Fuck I hate it.

[u/habitualtroller → u/[deleted]]

It can be at times and stages if you let it.  Notice in OPs post that it’s all about what he’s losing and giving.  And so when that’s where your headspace is, it is depressing.  But over time,  kids need you less and start to give some, you start to stop climbing the corporate ladder, your wife gets out of perimenopause and things start to get better.  It’s all the things draining on you at once that you lose perspective.  

[u/CalculatedPerversion → u/[deleted]]

Not really, unless you have twins or a bunch of kids under 5, there's really no reason you can't get out for an afternoon or evening. It's all about balance. 

[u/No-Fuckin-Ziti]

Sounds like you and your wife could use a childfree vacation to reconnect.  Just make sure you’re open to it. 

[u/thatjohnnywursterkid]

OP, I see you. The top comment advising you to seek help for depression is not to be ignored, and I'd add leaving this thread behind, because there are some ugly, toxic comments here (no wonder men don't talk about their problems more). You need to take care of you for a while, not just so you can be there for your loved ones, but so you can be at peace with yourself.

[u/EqualOk4907]

Hey,   you can change all that buddy.   The machine still operates.   Maybe lube up some attachments of it that haven't been used in a while.  

[u/gonewild90plus → u/EqualOk4907]

This is why i started a hydroponic garden in my garage. Fun hobby, green edible food that doesn’t contain parasites, feeds my family, makes me feel less like a cog.

[u/LittleFinger80 → u/gonewild90plus]

😂 oh shit I feel called out. I have 10 4ft nft rails now. If only I could master strawberries. Everything else I've grown has been easy.

[u/EqualOk4907 → u/gonewild90plus]

Ive lookin into this recently as well!!!!  Want mine in the basement though  

[u/082426grateful]

51 year old father of two daughters. Married. One daughter is grown and out of the house. Has her own life. Other daughter is nearing that point.

I just came here to say that the burdens of life change. At first, diapers, daycares, and diarrhea (when they get sick). Later it’s dealing with school troubles, or trying to be present when your mid career and the job needs you not always home. Then, now for me, they are distancing from you. Nothing you did wrong; just natural maturity on their part. But you miss the days gone by.

In the end, you wind up back as yourself. And loving yourself, accepting yourself, is the most important thing you can do. I’m far from it, but I’m mindful of it.

Be mindful of others, but love you.

[u/artpeddler]

It’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. Life’s complicated and people are complicated. There’s no one way to be.

As you’re very aware: it’s your actions that reflect on your character, not your feelings. Many people give in to their desires and end up hurting the people around them.

[u/Lonely-Hawk9500]

Hey friend. I’m a SAHM of 3 and they’re 5,3 and 1. I feel you right now. I exist to be everything to everyone and I don’t even know who I am anymore outside of “mom”. Please don’t give up. You’re wanted in the world.

[u/TheOneTrueSnoo]

I saw in one of your comments that you like cigars.

I agree maybe not to do that around the kids, but you’re an adult. If you want a cigar once in a while it won’t kill you. Hell once a week probably wouldn’t. Don’t lie to her about it but don’t ask her permission either.

What are the other vices?

[u/Naive_Impression7302 → u/TheOneTrueSnoo]

yeah dont lie but if smoking a cigar every now and then is the biggest real world thing you do in secret that your wife and kids don't know about I think thats pretty ok and not too damn bad. If they discover it and go apeshit about it that says more about your family then you.

[u/ResplendentMechanism → u/Naive_Impression7302]

Hard to imagine that you could keep smoking cigars a secret from someone who kisses you?

[u/IllustriousShake6072 → u/ResplendentMechanism]

Has op said anything about still kissing?

[u/habitualtroller → u/TheOneTrueSnoo]

It’s finding the time.  When you have a wife and kids, especially young kids, finding the time to tell everyone “peace out, I’m gonna smoke a cigar by myself “ means someone loses.  And it’s hard to enjoy it if you know your wife is at home by herself trying to get the kids to cooperate.  

[u/TheOneTrueSnoo → u/habitualtroller]

Of course - but as parents ideally you are helping each other carve out little pockets of time.

So long as he carves out time for the wife to have to do whatever she wants then he should expect the same. Obviously there’s going to be flux around that with little ones but it is possible

[u/habitualtroller → u/TheOneTrueSnoo]

Yes it is.  But when the kids don’t mind and then mom gets a flustered and ready for me to get back it isn’t fun.  You aren’t really off.  Or when moms out and one of the kids runs into the other and they get a bump or bruise from playing too rough then mom feels like she can’t go.  And eventually you just sorta stop.  Not saying it’s good but it sucks sometimes.  

We do get one hour per week and we just accept that it’s hard on the parent at home but that disconnect is required.  Couples therapy helped us with that. 

[u/YanceyGlenn]

[u/Salty_McShaft → u/YanceyGlenn]

[u/Human_Revolution357]

I don’t pity your wife- and I don’t pity you. Nor do I think you should suck it up. I think you should vent, and then act. You created this system, you can recreate it to be one you want more. Aging doesn’t have to mean losing your sense of adventure. Go play.

Date your wife. Kiss her like you used to. Do volunteer work that helps fill your soul. Run around and actually play with your kids. Walk barefoot in the grass. Create something. Write more. Dance. Learn something new. Escape into nature. Be silly. Get into situations that make you laugh hysterically. Find those sides of yourself again, and encourage your loved ones to join you in that.

[u/lalileloluly2 → u/Human_Revolution357]

Yes, that is the top comment! 

[u/ElBeefyRamen]

Sounds like someone needs a race car and a dirtbike

[u/AGuyCalledBath → u/ElBeefyRamen]

It'd say workouts, steaks, and sloppy toppy on the reg, but I don't disagree with racecar.

[u/BillButtlickerII → u/AGuyCalledBath]

Sloppy toppy and sloppy joes. Moist beef depends on moist beef.

[u/therose56]

i suggest you watch everything everywhere all at once. a major plotlife is a wife, who is happily married, regrets her life because there is so much she couldnt do. she enters an alternate timeline where she has her dream but without her husband and feel empty. Appreciate the mundane and work to find things that excite you again. to quote the movie (husband speaking to wife in alt. reality where they never ended up getting married) "in another life, i would have loved just doing laundry and taxes with you"

[u/[deleted] → u/therose56]

That's such a common trope in cinema etc. but I feel like it's mostly just copium. I think for an awful lot of people, more than would ever admit it, family life is just not a good or fulfilling option, and they truly would be happier childfree. Probably with a partner, but childfree.

It's supposed to unlock all of this love and joy and shit, and I simply have not found it to be so. It is stressful and unpleasant and has no upside.

[u/Laguna-VIII]

Each one of my appetites is forbidden or wrong or frown upon. 

What the fuck does this even mean

[u/Carson_23 → u/Laguna-VIII]

He can have no sex life with the wife but isnt planning on cheating (forbidden), wants to drink and smoke weed and numb himself (wrong) and smoke cigars/beat his meat (looked down upon). 

Some of yall cant make an inference smh

[u/Feline_Couple → u/Carson_23]

Yes I think that’s the meaning. Some stuff just doesn’t fit in a busy family life. A choice is required

[u/ChickenInvader42 → u/Feline_Couple]

It can though, if there is communication and willingness from main parties.

You can have sex during cartoons, that is still good enough. You can drink/smoke/have getaways when kids are at their grandparents. You can share your hobbies with your kids, it's just like playing a game on hardcore difficulty.

It's the mindset that matters, but that can be negatively influenced by so many factors like burnout, depression, poverty, etc.

[u/kooj80 → u/Feline_Couple]

Nah that stuff can easily fit in a "busy" family life. "Busy" doesn't really mean anything.

If he felt he were allowed to be doing those things he would be. It's not a time thing

[u/BarderBetterFaster → u/Carson_23]

You just gave a fairly broad interpretation and that may not even be accurate. I agree that we can take that statement and make a general assessment, but I get why so many comments are calling out the seemingly intentional vagueness.

My guess is dead or very nearly bedroom.

[u/Laguna-VIII → u/Carson_23]

honestly I thought it was gonna be like weird porn or something lol

[u/strangelifedad → u/Carson_23]

Why can't he have a sex live with his wife? I have sex with my girlfriend all the time and we share 4 kids between each of us. It's possible.

[u/Future-Lavishness878 → u/strangelifedad]

Because he’s commuting 2 hours every day. Never mind if he’s putting in overtime.

That’s 10 hours, bare minimum. Bro barely gets to see his wife, let alone his kids.

8 hours work, 8 hours rest, 8 hours sleep. The Henry Ford way. BEFORE WE ALL HAD TO COMMUTE. Everything was within walking distance. 10 minutes to the store? Walking, not driving.

This guy is living a life of hell. He’ll turn around one day and his kids will have grown 6” without him even realizing it. and his wife…?

[u/Carson_23 → u/strangelifedad]

Some people have different sex drives and depending on how old they/the kids are it may not be feasible. Even if they do have sex it could not meet what he considers ideal.

Not necessarily takking about OP i mean this in a general sense and the reverse also happens where men have the lower sex drive, especially with age

[u/wesborland1234 → u/strangelifedad]

I’m guessing she doesn’t want to. They get a say too

[u/Quality-Pkg-Goods → u/strangelifedad]

Good for you bro, such a supportive thing to come and point out to a guy clearly not in your situation

[u/ChristianCRWriter → u/Laguna-VIII]

Nothing ilegal, but for example I am a cigar aficionado.

[u/Signal_Plane1114 → u/ChristianCRWriter]

smoke the damn cigar every once in awhile brother

[u/Laguna-VIII → u/ChristianCRWriter]

A cigar on a weekend or even just on a nice summers day in the evening is fine.

Youre not a cliché dad because the cliché dad has hobbies, a social circle, buddies to grab a beer with. 

Youre in a rut man.

[u/Naive_Impression7302 → u/ChristianCRWriter]

bro go to a park or some shit and smoke a cigar..... nothing wrong with that. hell even your backyard if you think you can get away with it lol

[u/championflea40 → u/ChristianCRWriter]

Then… have a cigar? Do you follow a strict religious code against that?

[u/Greedy-Clerk9326 → u/[deleted]]

Spoiler alert: you’ll die anyway. Might as well enjoy some of the journey.

[u/ThatOneWIGuy → u/[deleted]]

I know some people are puritans about this stuff but if it truely is once in a while (and not a regular habit) then go for it. Your diet and exercise is a bigger issue than the occasional cigar.

[u/Pure_Army → u/ChristianCRWriter]

dude there are FAR worse things a father with children can yern for than wanting to suck on a cigar.

You and your wife should begin a new hobby. Honestly reading together is very easy and soothing.
some sort of craft. something to study together. or if she's not into it / supportive, you pick something up.

[u/ParlaysAllDay → u/Laguna-VIII]

Gay sex.

[u/goodareas579 → u/Laguna-VIII]

He wants to fuck other women lol

You could immediately tell when he said “I don’t cheat” in like the second or third sentence hahaha

[u/Eat-Veggies-or-butt → u/Laguna-VIII]

He has been tugging to some extremely questionable content I think

[u/depleteduranian]

I'll be honest I think the vast majority of men engaged in the ambitious non-neck bearded lifestyle you're describing are also probably in your position. I really don't think we get much out of it, but it's for a lot of us the only way we get let out of life's reception room and into things like social standing and professional recognition, home ownership, upper-middle and upper class levels of wealth and achieve any sense of progress in our own lives, even though it's clear and plain that for the vast majority of us staying up until 5:00 a.m. playing video games and scrolling down useless rabbit-holes and having casual relationships is honestly when we are happiest.

I believe society erects this as a sort of compromise because otherwise reliably generating replacement people would collapse, consumption would collapse, vast swathes of society would be essentially left out in the cold or at least neurotically uncomfortable in their lack of perceived social security and so this is like a collective fantasy sold to men and women for the purpose of continuing growth and consumption, even though in many ways, society is already structured so that many people are already rejecting the nuclear family and marriage and so on, they're just more likely to be relegated to life's entry-level like I said, and work service industry jobs and be looked down upon, or exist on society's fringes.

[u/No_Category_3406 → u/depleteduranian]

I think it’s the opposite, that non-ambitious people tend to end up like OP. Just checking off the typical life checklist (safe job, wife, house, kids) without really questioning what they want or having a sense of purpose.

I have never met an ambitious person with a lofty goal who talks like OP. I have many friends who go the safe route and just play video games and watch Netflix who talk like OP.

[u/PositiveCoyote100 → u/No_Category_3406]

I agree. I know so many people who ended up with that life without ever questioning if they actually wanted it. They just followed the standard life script because it was the easy thing to do.

Being ambitious is having the courage to live your life bodly and authentically, it means chasing your dreams, taking risks, challenging yourself to grow and change.

I've seen so many people get trapped in the nonstop grind of work and parenting. "I don't like my job, but, it pays the bills. I love my kids, but I never have time for myself. I love my wife but we don't have any passion or romance" - It's all too common.

[u/Historical-Plant-362 → u/No_Category_3406]

I’ve met a lot of ambitious people with lofty goals and most of them are a bit narcissistic, so their family suffers because of it. Many of them indulge their desires in whatever form suits them, women, alcohol, party, work, travel, etc.

They usually live for themselves, not others (wife, kids, etc). That is the trade between who you describe and OP.

[u/No_Category_3406 → u/Historical-Plant-362]

Being ambitious is a completely different axis from selfishness/selflessness; someone’s ambition could be reducing carbon emissions or expanding  local soup kitchens.

None of your examples mean ambitious people are selfish, it’s just selfish people being selfish.

[u/Historical-Plant-362 → u/No_Category_3406]

The context matters and we both specified “a person with a lofty goal”. And it was implied that it needed to be a goal outside of the family routine.

If we go by how you reframed “ambitious”, then we can say OP is super “ambitious” by trying to be the best dad and husband possible.

A lofty goal by default means time consuming. That is kinda what OP lacks, time for himself. In my example, the ambitious people are putting themselves first when it comes to time management. How does your examples handle the time commitment when they have a full plate?

[u/Snoo-30361 → u/No_Category_3406]

Just curious are you married with kids?

I think OPs post is just about the weight of taking on adult responsibilities and family.

I don't think ambitious or successful people, however you define them, are immune to feeling this way. Maybe they are too busy chasing the next achievement to notice most of the time lol

As you age the person you once were fades and there is a physiological reckoning with that. It doesn't matter how big your house is or how marbled your steak is.

[u/Iminurcomputer → u/depleteduranian]

"Life's reception room..." damn I have some friends who need to hear that. I was very lucky to get out of it. Its a good, non-offensive description.

[u/ekolimits]

Chin up. You just need balance.

I hope you consider your wife safe to talk with. Even intrusive thoughts. That would be a sign of a healthy relationship.

But life is supposed to be simple. You do your part but you make time to do what you feel like.

Don’t look at your family so much. Guess what. They will manage.

And if they are a good family. They will lend you a hand too.

Ask for help. It’s good that you came here.

That means you acknowledge something is wrong.

But keep your emotions in check. Know that opening up may sound wrong to the other person so set the stage right. And just talk.

You just need to try things you feel like doing.

And if you think having wild young sex is going to fulfill you then you are quite off. That’s just a bandage for a little bit. It can be fun. But you my sir sound like you need to find something fulfilling. That heals your soul.

Give yourself grace and time.

But make steps bro. Or else it is not gonna be good.

[u/intotheabyss2022]

Sounds to me like you don't set aside time for just yourself. That was me a couple years ago, and I am no longer in the funk you are in, because I set aside time every week to do what I want for myself. That is gym time and playing sports and I don't ask, but I do coordinate. Take time for yourself, it's not selfish.

[u/darkprussianblue]

People here are not understanding. But I see you. Your post was very well articulated, poetic even. It’s like you’re not living for yourself anymore.

You’re allowed to feel the way you feel, I feel very similarly. I hope you’re able to find something for yourself soon, friend.

[u/Greedy-Clerk9326 → u/darkprussianblue]

Well said.

[u/Feline_Couple → u/darkprussianblue]

Most fathers I know share that feeling, we joke about, we know it. I feel it too sometimes and honestly it’s just a intrusive thought, it just focuses on the negative. Help from professionals could set the perspective on all the good that family dedication is creating

[u/nerdygirlmatti → u/darkprussianblue]

I also got this from it

[u/habitualtroller]

Something I read recently is that for many men, their 40s is the worst decade of their life.  It’s when kids just want to fight, argue and consume.  It’s when works pressures are at their highest. It’s when you need to simultaneously prepare for retirement while saving for kids college.  It’s when you gains in the gym slow down.  It’s when your wife starts perimenopause and sex life slows way way down. 

But I also read that in your 50s life happiness trends up. Like 45* angle up.  So my thinking has to be all these things that bring you (and me, at times) down start to either not matter as much or you find joy in what you do have, not what you lost from your 30s. 

I don’t have any good advice other than to truly believe there’s light at the end of your 40s that’s not a train.  Do you have any friends or mentors in their 50s or 60s that seem to have it together that you can talk to?  It helped me gain perspective over the very things you are lamenting. 

[u/RememberZasz]

When you say your appetites are forbidden, what are the appetites and who forbids them?

[u/ThrowAwayPJIA]

I read this, and felt the strangest feeling, because I thought I wrote this.

[u/PantsShortsGrapes]

Yikes. Punched me right in the truth hole.

[u/hotdogsandhangovers]

bro get into warhammer 40k the imperial guard was made for you

[u/tiltedsunroof]

This post reminded me a lot of the Radiohead song “Fitter Happier”. A few years ago I was in a similar mindset when I heard it on the way home from my 9-5. I replayed it more times than I’d care to admit.

Some of the lyrics are as follows:

“Fitter, Happier
More productive
Comfortable
Not drinking too much
…
A safer car (baby smiling in back seat)
Sleeping well (no bad dreams)
No paranoia
…
Favors for favors
Fond but not in love
…
No longer afraid of the dark or midday shadows
Nothing so ridiculously teenage and desperate
Nothing so childish,
At a better pace
Slower and more calculated
No chance of escape
…
Calm
Fitter, happier, and more productive
A pig
In a cage
On antibiotics”

BUT! there’s more to it than just that. There’s a glimmer of hope buried amid the rest of it:

“A good memory
Still cries at a good film
Still kisses with saliva”

Even amongst the monotony, there are moments that truly matter. Best of luck finding and living them man.

[u/Angelicattarian]

You are not alone my man, but as you can see from posting this that it’s expected we keep our mouths shut and carry on or get shat on, even by our fellow brothers, which is why many guys don’t come clean with it. That also means they don’t accept someone who does. Younger men especially have no idea what awaits most of them and think us middle-aged guys are just being weak, when the reality is most of them will end up in this exact state whether they want to or not. Being a man is definitely some sort of masochistic ritual to have to bring the bread and be stoic and strong but also having to be contradictory to all those things at the same time or you are seen as having toxic masculinity. Its one big hoopla we live in and not all of us are narcissistic enough to just accept it.

Live strong brother. I hope things get better or at least you get to reach a mental state where you can mostly look past the hypocrisy of it all.

[u/Peak_Meringue1729]

I love my wife and kids. I’ll be 40 soon. We don’t live together during the week because i took a job that requires me to live an hour away. Know what I realized in 10 months living separately?

I fucking miss my wife, man. I miss my kids.

Sure, I don’t miss the minutia of married life. I don’t miss the bullshit of the day to day. But fuck, I do miss my people.

It sounds like you take them for granted. Take a weekend away for yourself, three days, and see how you feel when you come back.

[u/Sunday_Schoolz]

I think the one dude nailed it (clinical depression), but … what would you want back?

[u/Antique-Basil-394]

Man, I feel this in my soul. Midlife crisis hits hard.

Get some therapy and take your vacation time. And try to pivot into your own business. Your life will be better for it. I say it from experience...

[u/TheticVendetta]

During my time in the military I met plenty of men going through what you are right now. Their only purpose was bringing a check home to a loveless household. I’m glad I learned early to not fall into that trap.

[u/Feisty_System_4751]

Your feeling are valid and you're not the only one who feels that way. Even though you are alone, a lot of us are alone together, if that makes sense.

[u/ExpiredLink404]

Everything my wife and I were before is gone

that's what happens when you have children

[u/LoveBirdNibbles]

Sounds about right for married life. I have been to the same woman for 30 years. It's more about my daughter now and I just drive her around and give her money. Sex with the same person for 30 years... :( A few years ago my wife went back to her country for 3 weeks, I decided to take my own trip. I ended up in La Paz Mexico. I was so very happy for those 3 weeks, I went on hikes, I met random strangers from the states and from all over the world, I felt like ME again, like me from 25 years ago and I wished it could go on forever but towards the end I started to miss home, started to miss my family. I felt it was good for me to take that trip and maybe I should take more in the future, but I also felt I also had something good back at home that I did not want to lose.

[u/Fuckentiredman]

I know this feeling exactly. I have it every day. Even medicated and in therapy it lingers. I suspect it is how we were raised, to be the machine. We toil until we have outlived our usefulness, and are then simply discarded. 

[u/4eyedgrl]

You're not a bad guy from what you're feeling. You're not alone. This happens to a lot of us and at the most strangest times. We have everything but yet feel empty. I hope you can talk to a therapist, see if or why you're depressed. I'm hoping you come out of it on the other end and we get an update. I'm rooting for you man. Please keep your head up.

[u/WankelsRevenge]

Sounds like you need a hobby

[u/habitualtroller → u/WankelsRevenge]

He also needs time for a hobby. 

[u/KryptonianJesus]

Your life is everything I always aspired to. Basic but nurturing for the soul. Loving wife, loving kids. A house to come home to. Getting some isn't everything. Smoking a cigar isn't everything. Everything is kissing your wife when you get home from work, hugging your kids, taking a warm shower and then getting the rest of the night to participate in their lives. Whether it's chores or getting to relax and watch a show or movie with them, maybe a video game if you all like the sound of that. Grill in the summer, put up a tree and lights in the winter.

That's all I've ever dreamed of since I was a teenager because I never got to have that type of family. Instead I'm 27, diagnosed with a genetic disorder and a failing liver and bone marrow, unable to breathe long enough to shower due to the complications. All my progress in life was wiped away, I'm living in a basement. I don't have anyone that loves me and don't have the physical ability to seek that out now anyway. I was told that even on the rare chance I recover I should never have children. I have no chance to ever have what you have.

So appreciate your life, man. Do what it takes to get out of your rut and take every opportunity you have to hold your wife and kids and just feel the love you all share. Some people can only dream of being so lucky.

[u/Greedy-Clerk9326 → u/KryptonianJesus]

I love you, brother.

Once your luck breaks, remember that genetics isn’t what makes a man a father. Plenty of unfortunate kids need a man to step up. Your road is different, not less.

[u/Huge-Membership6541]

Im sorry you are feeling like this. Have you seriously discussed this with your wife? Maybe couple’s therapy could help. I would approach the conversation with clear and specific requests like: “I would love to have one evening every week when I can take 3 hours to go with x friend to Jiu Jitsu. Maybe you would like for me to stay home with the kids on another evening so you can do the same?”

[u/WouldPancake]

That sounds really rough, OP. Could you take a day off from everything? Get away in nature for 24hrs? Sounds like you need to sit a minute and get to know the grown up you better. Your family seems crazy about him, I’m betting you’ll like him too.

[u/Acceptable_Slice_325]

You can just change shit. You can change all kinds of things. The only thing stopping you is you.

[u/Yarha92]

Not sure what advice I can give, since I am a new dad approaching my mid-30’s and trying to avoid this too. So far my medieval hobby friends keep me sane and I can be a nerdy dude with them for at least 1 week a year.

Wishing you the best 🙏🏼

[u/BasuraFuego]

So if you had to make a practical list of things that could be different that would make you happy. What would be on that list?

[u/ulnek]

I hear having children does that to people.

[u/WhiskeyTangoBaconX]

I felt empty like this for a long time. Therapy helped me. I know you don’t want advice. It helped me. It helped some of my friends when they struggled. I lost a marriage, I lost another relationship. And Im investing in myself. Finding out who I am and what I need. I hope you find what you need

[u/Exciting_Carob_1413]

I’ll say something unpopular but hanging your self worth/life/happiness in any one place (even your family) is going to be unfulfilling for most. We are complex and diverse and we need friends, hobbies, drives, values outside of our core relationships. I recognize it’s not always possible bc of various personals and structural issues, but if you have space to develop personal, autonomous hobbies it could help. Differentiation within relationships is crucial.

[u/Illustrious-Macaron2]

It sounds like you gotta find something for yourself man. Family is important, but it can’t be EVERYTHING.

It’s not too late for you to be “immature” like you say.

It sounds like you’re a great father and husband. You gotta find out how to be great to yourself man.

[u/Top_Environment9937]

First of all, your dinner looks very appetizing. I am not in your exact situation, but I think you and I have one thing in common, taking care of other people‘s needs to the detriment of our own needs. You said that you built up a system to where you are just a machine keeping that system going. Not saying you and I have in common is we are both very good actors and appearing that we are crushing life on the outside but filled with despair on the inside. I’m sure at one point you asked yourself is there more to life than what you are right now. One thing I would recommend is a change in your routine. I’m sure you did a great job at building a routine that really works, but it has become monotony. And you also feel removed from doing things that once made you happy. I’m an introvert, I was around adults more and kids my own age and I always sounded hard to relate to kids my own age. Mostly because I was brought up in a very strict environment. Recently, I have been trying to explore the things that once made me happy or that I enjoyed doing. I can’t remember the last time I indulge in a hobby. Lately, my life consists of waking up in the morning and going to work then going home to have dinner, stay up too late watching videos, and then going to bed too late. I started to get back to a feeding station I put in the backyard for birds and squirrels. I go to local forest reserve and I pick up Hickory nuts and acorns, and put them in the feeding station along with birdseed. Recently, I saw a female squirrel that looked like she had recently given birth show up. It made me feel needed and now I have a hobby again. And I can enjoy the fruits of that labor thanks to the wireless camera I installed in my backyard so I can watch them when I am not home. I also started listening to cassette tapes and CDs again. I am also in the process of clearing out a lot of my wardrobe and donating it. It all starts with little changes here and there and giving yourself something to look forward to.

[u/TheBourbonTurtle]

This is a big part of why I have always been child free. I don't want to exist solely for supporting other people, I want to be able to live and enjoy my own life. I saw this with my own parents, their life revolved around me and my siblings and our activities but they didn't have any time or energy left over to enjoy their own lives or have hobbies.

[u/Uexb]

I'm somebody that has to see hundreds of different families a day cause of my job and I will say with the older couples it's sad how common it is to see defeated fathers.

You can tell the peak of their life was getting married and having children and now they're just coasting towards the grave as they are used as wallets by their family, it's sad but the reality for a lot.

[u/Muted-Head-1612]

Have you tried crashing out?

[u/tech_creative]

Well, life changes with increasing age, especially if you chose a path like you did: to marry and raise children. That's a choice you did. Of course, children and having a family makes many things difficult. Not only for you! She beared the children, for example. Life changed much for both of you. I think, it is important to have some time off the children to be just a couple. To not just live for your tasks or what you think is expected.

I would advice: Talk to her. Tell her that she shouldn't take you wrong, but that you miss the time where it was just you and her, that you miss you two being a loving couple. Sure, both of you have changed over time, but you seem to have a distance between you.

So, maybe plan a weekend just you two in a hotel or somewhere, but away from home, away from the children. Can you imagine that? Treat her like you did when you met her the first time. Have a nice dinner, enjoy walks and such.

Of course, both of you also need time for yourselves. So, maybe you should talk about that, too. Both of you can have time with friends or whatever, as long the other one cares for the children. Or the grandparents.

Even coming here people will say “I pity your wife”.

Really? I mean, to people really come to your house and say something like this? Then it seems to be pretty obvious to others. And it seems that they (whoever) thinks that you can change it but don't want to change it.

They always do. Because I am not supposed to feel. I am a machine.

What do you feel? What do you miss? Tell us.

Do you have friends? Do you have a hobby? What would you like doing if you weren't a family guy?

Maybe it is important for you to have time on your own, off the family. At least from time to time.

[u/BlinkingBlankly]

I feel this in my soul. I could have written exactly the same thing. I don’t have any answers for you, except to say you’re not alone.

[u/BrokenPickle7]

I felt the same way, once my son became old enough to want to spend time by himself giving me free time, I picked up my old hobbies and found myself again.

[u/Cthulhu_Fhtang]

I read that as if I wrote it myself

[u/Jpowmoneyprinter]

Sorry you feel that way but thanks for sharing, reaffirms my choice never to procreate.

I don’t know how working class people choose to have children, you can’t do some rough mental math ? You work full time and already have pretty limited free time to pursue your hobbies and interests and then you act blindsided when children turns you into a money/care machine.

[u/Pidduu]

I love the way you write. But yeah, you sound depressed, i'm sorry. You don't give enough information out for anyone to really help you. From what it seems like, you have the means to get therapy, and that is the tool that better suits your unhappiness, I would say. Best of luck

[u/ae_stark]

i’m sorry you’re dealing with this, and the responses to it.

i am wondering. i am a wife. and i can picture, maybe in a mildly distant future, that my husband could write something similar to this. do you think there’s anything i can do to help him avoid these negative feelings? i hope to give him a wonderful, beautiful life filled with everything he’s ever wanted. but even so, i can imagine him feeling the way you do. could there have been anything your wife could have done that might have helped you? would you have let her?

if you feel willing to answer, no pressure if not, what advice might you have for a young couple finding their way in this world?

[u/douggie_style]

“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation" - Thoreau

[u/IgG4TheWin]

Thoreau wrote "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation". I suspect this is what he meant.

I dunno, I feel lucky. Approaching middle age now with two young kids. Yes my life has changed dramatically, and 22 yo me would maybe find it depressing. But I get such a deep sense of satisfaction and joy from this stage. I can't wait to see what the next adventure will be.

Also 39 yo me would not be able to hang with 22 yo me, don't have the desire or constitution for it anymore

[u/Can-Chas3r43]

Girl lurker here...I feel the same. Like the former rebellious "me" that I used to be would be ashamed of the me that I am now.

But at the same time I am the person that everyone else told me that I "should" be now, and I feel soulless. Like a stepford wife.

I'm sure people say "your poor husband," but not to my face. I am aware that there are some things about me that scare him. But... I've been told that I'm also very beautiful, so I am sure that this is why he puts up with it.

Sending hugs, OP. Don't let the machine take over...do not succumb to the thing they want us to be!

[u/AlligatorMidwife]

What is it you believe you need to be more fulfilled?

[u/earthwormjimjones]

I just turned 40, my son turns nine this weekend. I used to be a skateboarding, hell raising, party boy. I'm now a 'Hey who left that light on?' Dad 🤣🤣🤣

Wouldn't trade it for the world 🌍

[u/Wooden-Officer2323]

God damn dude, you have people who love you for you. How much more do you need out of life?

Cause as a guy that had too many hookups, had the corporate job and the apartment in the sky in the big city in his 30s.

I’m 39 and I feel fuckin worthless and used up.
All I want is my own family who loves me and kids who I can care for when they’re sick and run errands.

I dunno man.

[u/Signal_Plane1114 → u/Wooden-Officer2323]

we all live in our own hell if we allow ourselves to

[u/vegemouse → u/Wooden-Officer2323]

Saying “you have (what I consider) enough and you dare to want more?” is like telling someone to stop being depressed because they have it good. It doesn’t work that way.

[u/praetorian1979]

I remember the day my wife asked me about what my dreams and aspirations were, and the look on her face when I told I'd given up on them 20 years ago. I know how you feel. I'm mid 40's and all I felt like with my first 2 wives was a wallet. My wife now doesn't NEED me for anything. She was self-sufficient too when we met. She's the most kind, understanding, patient, and loving woman I've met since my first GF in the late 90s. Seek out some therapy my friend, I know I need to.

[u/Quality-Pkg-Goods]

I got you brother. Have a lot of the same feelings. For a no advice post a lot of people sure offered up a lot of “helpful” advice huh.

You gotta live this to get it. Just know you aren’t alone in the least. And you sound like a great dad, and a great partner, even if you are part-machine. You can be a machine with a heart and it sounds like you are. Keep on going- the sun always rises.

[u/TheDude-Esquire]

I was listening to bad religion prior to a show two years ago. The line “my daddy’s a lazy middle class intellectual,” hit in all the wrong ways.

But I did get the whole crew to a punk rock show, so I guess it’s not all bad.

[u/apollemis1014 → u/TheDude-Esquire]

That song is my ringtone for my oldest kid. 🤣

[u/SimilarLunch8359]

Seems like you’re burned up from working, always being needed, feeling so much pressure all the time. That’s SO valid. I have a dad that’s just like you albeit older, and I can tell how empty he feels all the time. Can’t even connect with us properly when he tries to, and that’s been true for years. Dont let yourself shut down anymore. Have fun, try to voice it out if she’s receptive to it, tell her you want to get smashed drunk together. Even if she won’t join you just get some hedonistic hobbies you need desperately. Just keep it legal, like don’t go fucking gambling or hiring escorts. Otherwise I urge you to do it!!

[u/Feline_Couple]

Have faith in your choices. Consistency and focus bear the greatest fruits. Sometime we win and don’t recognize it…

[u/Nightbird88]

I dont have kids so maybe I dont understand. I feel like picking 1 thing you want to do is the way to go. It might be a hobby, a lifestyle change, or whatever. I'd hope your family is supportive of the one thing you'd like to have for yourself (assuming its not hurtful to the people you love).

[u/LordMemerton1]

Your life doesn’t sound like you’ve ever been in control of it and it sounds like it’s been a you problem all along brother. If YOU don’t like your life change it. If you’re going to change it without your family then you need to say so. The self loathing and pity party will only get worse from here. Good luck

[u/FantasticHumpMuscles]

Fuckin a, this hits home

[u/everysquaresarhombus]

You could be me. Trapped in the role of endlessly providing. I hate it. You hate it. We hate it.

[u/AWzdShouldKnowBetta]

That really sucks man :(. I hope you find a way to find time for yourself. Family life can be hard and there are so many expectations for men to provide it can be overwhelming. I'm rooting for you buddy.

[u/WandaSykesStanAcct]

This sounds like a Zappa song. I also live a busy life and I usually go super hard in the responsible lane for a few days and then carve a day out for myself and my hobbies and whatever I want to do. I cover for my wife so she can have a day for her every few days, and this has resulted in some satisfying spontaneous date nights. I think you're in a place where you'll be alright. There's definitely some good suggestions for what to do in the responses here.

[u/Legendary_Hercules]

This feels like the cryptic post on social media for engagement.

[u/Mid-Delsmoker]

I was in that exact position and I found a hobby in that time in which I could immerse myself into a few days a week. That was martial arts. You can’t lose yourself as your kids will be able to appreciate that you also have activities to enjoy. Just not their activities. My dad had many interests. Those memories spark mine.

[u/wont27]

Imo you gotta be a little selfish and evil to be happy. Well maybe not evil. If you feel like giving is the only right thing to do then keeping some energy to yourself feels evil.

[u/Kratosbeatsbatman]

Im in the same boat at 32. Only i have no kids, just 5 adults i take care of. Without me literally all would be homeless or dead

[u/Consistent_Hold_9857]

You can’t do all the things you say you do while being empty. It’s in there you just need to find it. Sometimes someone has to help us look for it.

[u/Fast-Nefariousness80]

Is that really how you spell your name

[u/Neat_Comfortable_928]

Hey man, I feel like I’m on the same path as you, except I just started. I lived my life of excitement, self serving, unpredictability, worry and uncertainty in my 20s and 30s. I started my family journey with 2 kids since 2024 and I’ve just turned 40. I have all your life to look forward to.

[u/spoik925]

Maybe now is a good time to call your dad

[u/TheHolyGaelicEmpire]

This doesn’t help your situation at all, but this is exactly why at 29, I struggle to commit to settling down and having kids with someone. My friends have, and exactly like you said, they have become a machine that has a sole purpose of supporting the partner and kids. No boys trips anymore, no f it lets go have some beers, no real time for hobbies. I’m not sure I’m ready for that, I know that in the next 5 or so years I will need to seriously start to consider it as the other end of that is being in your 40s with no real purpose. But until then I’m so glad I don’t have kids

[u/Typical_Fee_7210]

beautifully written. you a poet, my guy?

[u/stop_namin_nuts]

This post deeply resonated with me. I feel you, man. I’m going through a very similar stage of life and am starting to work with a therapist who specializes in men’s mental health. Longing for the past, yet feeling like you squandered your most independent years. The dullness of the present day. The overwhelming responsibility of raising a family, and the feeling like your life is over. It’s hard to work through all of that on your own. Highly recommend seeking specialized help. Regular Exercise has helped me greatly too. Hope things get better for you!