r/AskBrits • u/Latter_Suggestion220 • 10h ago
People Anyone else hate being around people who see every conversation as a debate? How do you deal with them?
So recently spent some time with my cousin, similar age and it’s sort of that thing where you can’t really avoid him due to family and all that.
But my gosh, everytime I spend time with him I literally feel exhausted and drained and constantly feel as though I have to defend a position - even if he asks me something like an opinion. Also, you can say something about yourself or share an event or an experience and it won’t be questions about that but more like ‘ohhhh yeah, but yeah omg I had the same thing’ and automatically the conversation will be turned onto him.
So he’s been the sort of person who always likes to be right, always the centre of the conversation and even if I am with him and a friend for example, he will literally give his opinion on absolutely everything and speak from a place of authority even if someone else is objectively more qualified to give an opinion on something. I’m beginning to also think he doesn’t respect my point of view or even me because he will just speak over me. For example, me and a friend and my cousin were all together and my friend asked me about something and was asking advice on something that I had recently done so I was telling him. My cousin hasn’t done this thing and he piped up and went on a monologue of what he should do etc etc and was almost butting in and speaking over me.
I kid you not, I often feel as though I could say something as obvious as ‘the sky is blue’ and he would furrow his brow and say something to the opposite effect.
In terms of character traits I think sometimes it can come from insecurity but I think with him it comes from a place of arrogance and an over inflated sense of self because he gives this air of ‘I don’t need to ask anyone, I’m always right’ and he will literally debate every little simple conversation. When I give up my free time I like to spend it with people who energise me and uplift me and not people who leave me feeling depleted.
I’ve realised these kind of people trigger me a lot and I feel so drained after I spend a prolonged period of time with him. I even remember feeling similar when I had an ex girlfriend who I almost debated every little thing with and in a romantic relationship, these kind of people are insufferable to be with and not conducive to a healthy environment.
I know people will say just stop spending time with him but due to family dynamics it’s not possible to stop completely but I definitely feel like If I see him, it needs to be in small chunks.
Why are people like this and has anyone had similar experiences and care to share!
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u/fullspeedraymondchow 10h ago
Wait until you encounter a ‘philbro’ in the wild.
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u/Latter_Suggestion220 10h ago
Tell me more? What is that
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u/fullspeedraymondchow 10h ago
A "philbro" (or "philosophy bro") is a slang term for a person—often an amateur or internet debater—who uses dense philosophical jargon, rapid-fire name-dropping (such as Kant, Aristotle, or modal logic), and trap-like epistemological questions to sound superior rather than engage in a genuine discussion.
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u/Latter_Suggestion220 9h ago
The crazy thing is he doesn’t even use philosophical jargon or anything esoteric to prove his point.
He will simply just disagree and go on a ramble of trying to convince you and just not shut the fuck up.
And it will literally be non specific, it can be about every little thing you say. He will have a counter opinion on anything you say and even something as obviously true as ‘exercise is good for you’
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u/scriptkiddie1337 7h ago
Oh my fffff... OK I used chatgpt for examples are they seem like the most insufferable people anyone could any meet. How you have retained your sanity after meeting such people is beyond me. They seem more pretentious than amateur psychology bros
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u/aleopardstail 10h ago
could be worse, you could get one of them who also refuses to listen to anything you say to them and instead decides to go back over anything you have said before when they have no answer
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u/fullspeedraymondchow 9h ago
I’ve actually found the the worst offender’s on discord. They are Philbro, flat earther, Hebrew roots Christians.
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u/EccentricDyslexic 6h ago
Watch some The Line atheist debates, the amount of American bible bashers trained in PhilBro to try to show how superior their arguments are only shows how arrogant and dumb they are.
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u/TurpentineEnjoyer 10h ago
I have had people like this in my life over the years. Just because you are forced to be in a room with someone due to family dynamics doesn't mean you need to be nice to them.
If I am not the only one who feels this way, then I find the best approach is just be blunt with them. The other people may not back me up but they won't hinder it either.
You also need to learn that debating him won't change his mind nor will it change the mind of anyone like him. If he wants to be right then let him.
"OK sure, you're right like always. Can we talk about something more pleasant?"
"Sorry, I'm not interested in talking about that."
"OK thanks for sharing, but I didn't ask and don't care."
"The only reason you would bring that up is because you know I disagree and want to have an argument. I'm not interested in talking to you about that."
"Do you have anything else we could talk about? Like any achievements that you're proud of?"
You gotta learn that sometimes it's alright to be disrespectful in front of people.
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u/Latter_Suggestion220 10h ago
Thanks for the insight.
Why do you think people are like that? Like I think to myself, it’s fine for me I can just avoid him generally but I couldn’t imagine what his wife feels for example.
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u/TurpentineEnjoyer 10h ago
Eh I can only speculate, but speculating is fun so here goes:
It's a trait common in teenage boys. Being angry gives you a rush, so they kind of become addicted to it.
Most will have it educated out of them by a few bad experiences.
For me I was an argumentative little prick from about 15 to 18. This was around when Twilight's first movie came out. My friends and I would sit around repeating the same conversations over and over about why Twilight is bad and the people who like it are stupid. I learned pretty quickly that girls in my dating range liked Twilight, and didn't like boys who make fun of them for liking it or start long winded monologues about what "real" vampires are. As a teenage boy, both of my brain cells managed to figure out between them that if I want to get laid then I need to shut the fuck up and nod along when girls talk about twilight.
Most boys will have some variation of that story in which they learn that it's OK for people to like different things. Some people never have that moment of revelation so they stay in the same anger addicted mental state into adulthood if the people around them enable it.
You mentioned he has a wife. In ideal circumstances you're not supposed to get that far in a relationship without learning that being insufferable is putting people off.
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u/Latter_Suggestion220 10h ago
I agree with your take.
He’s a grown man in his mid/late 30s.
And yeah, though I think his relationship circumstances and trajectory aren’t the traditional way people would often associate with being married etc so I wouldn’t read too much into that.
Appreciate your insight, I love hearing people’s perspectives on these things!
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u/hitandmistress 10h ago
Unintelligent people are sometimes too unintelligent to ever realise how unintelligent they are. If your capacity is limited, you assume that everyone functions in the same way, because you can't conceptualise anything else. I remind myself of this often.
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u/Latter_Suggestion220 10h ago
Hmmm interesting! So do you think it’s a lack of intellect? Because he is fairly intelligent I’d say but just like everyone in this world he doesn’t know everything about everything like he goes on.
For me it’s more so the fact that he comes across as ‘ahhhh what you’re saying isn’t something I agree with just because I disagree with it’ and this notion I feel with him is applied to absolutely every single conversation you are having.
As in, an in shape personal trainer could tell him something about lifting weights but somehow he would turn it into a debate of how he feels it should be done in xyz way. Wild.
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u/hitandmistress 10h ago
I think there are different types of intelligence! He may lack interpersonal intelligence, intellectual humility... A void in EQ rather than IQ, maybe?
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u/from_everywhere_ 10h ago
Guys life is really simple, we have black and white subjects, and we have gray ones!
Often people end arguing all day long because the subject us gray and they wanna make it white or black, but being gray is a bit of this and a bit of that!!!
He eather knows what he is talking about or he doesn't! Saying that because I see that you didn't say that he doesn't know what he is talking, so he could be right! Or both of you could be right!
Someone else may talk with him and enjoy the conversation all day long. Someone else will end up with a headache! None of them tells us anything about him!
Therefore decide if you wanna talk and what to talke about.
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u/SausageFr0g 9h ago
You can't choose family, but you can choose friends. Honestly, if they consistently want to battle on opinions, just say "hey man, it's my opinion, respect it"
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u/DBop888 9h ago
Sometimes I just come in with something exposing how ridiculous they are along the lines of, “Look, I’m sure if I had gone to the moon, you’d be saying you’ve been to Jupiter; or if I had broken the land speed record, you would claim to have travelled at the speed of light; so, let’s just all agree that you’re better at & more knowledgeable about everything and we can just carry on from there?”
What can they really say to that? lol
They either admit that they think they know it all or admit that they don’t, in which case they should listen to other people for a change.
The other line is from the Dalai Lama which I actually used in a work meeting once when a contractor was being particularly obnoxious & kept interrupting everyone - “When you speak, you are merely repeating what you already know. When you listen, you may learn something new.”
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u/grimaces111111 10h ago
Skill issue, it sounds like you have no sense of personal boundaries and if you do you won't stand up for them
Your cousin interrupts you all the time? Say "Excuse me, I wasn't finished" and carry on what you were saying, it isn't difficult
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u/Aromatic_Guide1907 10h ago
Just stop talking, eventually they'll get the hint and fuck off. If you have to talk, one word answers work a treat
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u/Katskan11 10h ago
Your best best is doing your home work on a topic you are interested in.
Like say you're in The Beatles.
Get the topic onto music, then bring up The Beatles. And then drop some facts like "Yh an obviously they never played X song live in their career"
Or onto food and something about where a food is from. Just have a few axiomatic truths. Something that can't be argued but most people think differently about it. Maybe statistics on a sport that most presume is dangerous but statistically isn't any more dangerous than another sport etc.
Basically just have a few decent facts up your sleeve. He'll hate being wrong. So he will ask Google and ChatGPT. And that will tell him he's wrong.
Then just make a habit of doing it most times when you see him. Get some hard facts that can't be disputed. Wait for him to challenge it and fuck himself over when you make him look dense infront of everyone else who's there.
Eventually he'll probably stop piping up as much.
Any topic whatsoever. Certain unknown football facts. But obviously don't just say "did you know - enter fact here" as that would be boring and not be very impactful. You just need to steer the conversation. Football>team>player> and then drop the fact in as part of the conversation.
Then shoot him down
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u/Latter_Suggestion220 9h ago
Haha thanks for the suggestion. I think for me it’s telling something about my own capacity with these people because I spent a couple of days with him recently and I’m still getting over the post hangout hangover 😅😅
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u/Katskan11 9h ago
I know the feeling well with a family member also. He has to play devils advocate all the time and will always say the opposite so the conversation never flows. It's constant.
What does your cousin work as out of interest..
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u/Minute-Employ-4964 10h ago
Debate him and win.
Easiest way to do that is to frame your points as if it’s something he said
I’ve had massive success with this against my younger cousins, you’ve just got to be able to win the debate
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u/Katskan11 10h ago
What do you mean by frame the points as if it came from him.
Do you have an example I can't see how it would work?
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u/Minute-Employ-4964 10h ago
Well you have a long discussion with them about whatever the topic is.
Then when you get to the end id say: “I really agree with what you said about X, you made a good point about Y”
Just compliment them as you reframe their point to support your point.
When they agree state: “that’s not what you said at all, that was the point I was making. I’m glad you agree”
This all only works if you can out debate them. But they’re all teenagers so I’ve found it very easy.
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u/neilm1000 Brit 🇬🇧 10h ago
I'd avoid Reddit, personally!