r/mildlyinfuriating • u/esli- • Aug 24 '26

ಠ_ಠ This crazy assassin character, who doesn't know what shampoo is, somehow would bother shaving her armpits

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Bart from Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency

EDIT: I will no longer read and respond to comments, I think I've read pretty much all the arguments people (mostly men) give me against my post, so feel free to scroll down to check my responses before commenting, kay bye :]

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u/Sweet_Baby_Cheezus Aug 24 '26

Same with big muscle guys on TWD. Dudes are eating 4,000 calories of squirrel everyday.

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u/Objective-Corgi-3527 Aug 24 '26

I looked up the caloric contents of a squirrel and it could be upwards of 500 calories, so that would be about 8 squirrels a day

Darrel could maintain that diet, i doubt anyone else could

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u/Certain_Time6419 Aug 24 '26

Where do you find 56 healthy squirrels a week?

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u/Objective-Corgi-3527 Aug 24 '26

I found a thread on here that estimates 25 squirrels per 2 acres of natural woodland, more than that in suburban areas where there is garbage. If you were traveling and supplimenting with other abundant small game like mourning doves, rabbits, and fish you could do it. That said living a nomadic lifestyle would fuck up your gains too

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u/arthurno1 Aug 24 '26

So in apocalypse we will be chasing squirrels eight times a day, all while we have to fight zombies, mutants and other creatures. We have to respect women who despite all the squirrel-chase and zombie-fights still have time to shave their armpits!

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u/Certain_Time6419 Aug 24 '26

"We"?? That's 8 squirrels per day PER PERSON

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u/ScaramouchScaramouch Aug 24 '26

Get your eyes off my squirrels!

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u/BeardInTheNorth Aug 24 '26

Nothing beats a Jet2Apocalypse

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u/TheWolphman Aug 24 '26

Why chase them when you can lay traps. Our ancestors figured that out long ago.

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u/HarpersGhost Aug 24 '26

You'd be chasing squirrels far more than 8 times a day, because no hunter has 100% success rate.

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u/No_Night_8174 Aug 24 '26

You're trapping them; there's no reason to actively hunt for them. Which makes the activity more passive.

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u/Inside_Compote_4146 Aug 24 '26

I know this is all a joke, but in reality, squirrel would be an awful source of food. You would be far better off with breeding rabbits. If you keep 2 females and 1 male rabbit for breeding, they would produce enough meat to be the sole source of meat protein for 1 person. Extrapolate that across an entire community in an apocalypse scenario, we’d be better off farming rabbits than scrounging around for tree rats.

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u/arthurno1 Aug 24 '26

Why make it easy for ourselves, when we can make it harder?

If we wanted to make it easy for ourselves, we wouldn't be heading towards apocalypse, wouldn't we? Get your act together silly!

Joke aside, I wonder how many people in the west would rather die than eat a cute creature like a rabbit or a squirrel.

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u/Inside_Compote_4146 Aug 24 '26

Not sure how accurate this is, but I saw an interesting video recently that said a big reason for this, despite rabbits being one of the most efficient and sustainable animals to farm for meat, is because during WW2 both the US and UK encouraged citizens to keep rabbits for food to supplement the food rations, and then after the war, people kept all these rabbits but stopped relying on them as food. So rabbits slowly gained pet status, and now people are averse to eating them. I do think that in an apocalypse, while dogs and cats would maintain pet/companion/working animal status, rabbits would likely lose it pretty quickly. There are still people that keep rabbits for food today, they just get funny looks from people when they find out. I personally know 2 people who do, and I live in Seattle.

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u/arthurno1 Aug 24 '26

Could be. Perhaps just a cultural thing and indoctration, not being used to. Or we just feel more empathy for cute and intelligent animals?

When I was visiting Prague, I saw it was normal course to order something with rabbit meat. Entries wer usually courses with chicken, pork or rabbit. Overhere in Sweden, entries are like: beef, pork and chicken.

Yes, we don't eat our pets, lots of people wouldn't eat a horse or a dolphin either. If people in general knew how intelligent squids and octopusses are, lots of them would stop eating those animals too.

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u/bigbosc0 Aug 24 '26

Daryl is a hunter with a crossbow. Ges not chasing shit.

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u/Ancient_Swan_9558 Aug 24 '26

This is the fundamental point that people always overlook when they argue that they could survive a zombie apocalypse; why would you want to survive a zombie apocalypse?

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u/Objective-Corgi-3527 Aug 24 '26

Only so many people would give up, hundreds of millions or arguably billions slog through miserable lifestyles every day

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u/ProduceNo1629 Aug 24 '26

To make a harem of 12 wives needing your protection. Surely the apocalypse would have them reconsider bickering and jealousy?

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u/Ancient_Swan_9558 Aug 24 '26

I think you're severely underestimating the potential bickering and jealousy power of a 12-wife harem

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u/Few_Highlight1114 Aug 24 '26

I dont think theres over 25 squirrels per 2 acres in a suburb that has been devoid of new trash for a long time.

But even if there was an overabundance of small game, hunting, cooking and eating would be a literal full time job and this doesnt take into consideration the time necessary for lifting.

It's just impossible to have a muscular build in that type of setting. The realistic body type would be like what you see in the armed forces except skinnier

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u/Objective-Corgi-3527 Aug 24 '26

Yeah, the calories are there but a bodybuilder physique isn't going to happen. Maybe for a local chief type, someone like Negan who doesn't have to do his own work

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u/Higher-Frequencies Aug 24 '26

People arguing over how many squirrels per acre there are in the apocalypse to feed zombie killing body builders is why I read comments.

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u/kasi_di Aug 24 '26

for real!

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u/Few_Highlight1114 Aug 24 '26

Even if the calories are there, youd have to specifically be body building to have that type of physique and in a situation such as a zombie apocalypse, it's just not going to happen. You can quite easily consume 4k calories, but if youre consistently walking/running and climbing, you wont be big.

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u/WyrdDrake Aug 24 '26

Suburbs are ecological deadzones

Our precious lawn grass is unsustainable for bug, bee, and bird populations

Squirrels might do ok if there's a ton of trees though, I'm not well versed on squirrel needs

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u/Hypna2 Aug 24 '26

You also can't survive on eating squirrels, you would actually starve to death unless you supplemented other nutrients in there.

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u/phoontender Aug 24 '26

I have 10 different squirrels just in my suburban backyard! There's 3 trees and some hedges that they nest in.

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u/VaginaTractor Aug 24 '26

I live in Atlanta, GA and see more than 25 squirrels every day. In fact, I have a family of deer living back there right now. Everybody loves tearing up my plants.

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u/EpilepticMushrooms Aug 24 '26

The cardio. The intense cardio required to walk, hike, trot, or run after prey, and avoid predators would suck out all that calories and beef gains.

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u/PixelEnter Aug 24 '26

in a zombie apocalypse no less

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u/Muted-Move-9360 Aug 24 '26

Squirrel farm

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u/Certain_Time6419 Aug 24 '26

A MASSIVE one. Gestation takes about 1½ months, the litter size of an average of 5 babies. Each baby takes at least 2 months before they even eat solid food fully. They take something between 9 months and a YEAR to reach adult size.

Running the numbers quickly, you'd need in the order of thousands of squirrels to be able to consume 56 fully grown squirrels per week. And that doesn't take into account the necessary environment (dimension + features).

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u/Muted-Move-9360 Aug 24 '26

I love how much thought you put into this. But damn it could be an interesting side plot in a zombie story about some ppl who farm squirrels XD regardless of how successful they are getting sufficient food from it

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u/Frust4m1 Aug 24 '26

now switch to rabbits. more meat/calories, less time to breed,less food to give them, more easy to mantain.

and if you want my two cents, keep chickens and eat eggs.

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u/Certain_Time6419 Aug 24 '26

Now we're talking

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u/Relevant-Fox-7114 Aug 24 '26

Selective breeding might help eventually speed that up. Also not sure if rats would be more effective.

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u/Gimme_Your_Wallet Aug 24 '26

Don't question my crossbow daddy

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u/William_Dowling Aug 24 '26

You breed them

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u/keeper_of_the_donkey Aug 24 '26

Country bumpkin here. There are definitely enough squirrels for me to live on for the rest of my life out here.

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u/Certain_Time6419 Aug 24 '26

A constant supply of 56 adult squirrels a week (using their math of 8 per day)? Bear in mind that takes a (controlled) population in the order of thousands of squirrels.

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u/keeper_of_the_donkey Aug 24 '26

Well you don't just eat the squirrels alone. You make squirrel stew, which has vegetables.

Things like wild onions or yams, things like that

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u/Certain_Time6419 Aug 24 '26

I guess we could run the numbers, but isn't the stretch big enough? It's a zombie apocalypse, they couldn't possibly consume the necessary calories for that physique AND what we see them doing on screen.

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u/keeper_of_the_donkey Aug 24 '26

Well you'd have to consider that months or even years into the zombie apocalypse, there's less industry, less cars, less people around, so nature's going to reclaim a lot of human lands. So animal populations will probably go up since the zombies wouldn't be catching the animals as easily, and they would probably explode in numbers when they regain their habitats.

I mean I might have to concede that squirrels alone would not be enough, but there's a ton of other animals out here other than those. I mean I have deer, foxes, squirrels, birds and fish also.

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u/halbeshendel Aug 24 '26

My back yard, god damn it. It’s why we can’t grow strawberries.

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u/Certain_Time6419 Aug 24 '26

Obviously not the same 56 squirrels hahah

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u/halbeshendel Aug 24 '26

There might be 100 of them. It’s bordering on a Hitchcock movie

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u/Individual_Wind2682 Aug 24 '26

Willi Wonka's factory I recon

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u/VaginaTractor Aug 24 '26

In my damn garden.

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u/Suck--My--Toes Aug 24 '26

I've never watched that show so I don't know what kind of environment they're trekking around in but I see easily upwards of 100 squirrels a week in my yard

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u/Illiad7342 Aug 24 '26

Or do you see the same 5 squirrels 20 times

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u/[deleted] Aug 24 '26 edited 15d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/Suck--My--Toes Aug 24 '26

I've killed a lot of them. Obviously I'll sometimes see the same squirrel more than once but the squirrel population here is quite abundant.

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u/TrickDangerous530 Aug 24 '26

I shoot squirrels out of my bed room window. One year I shot 30+ and still saw plenty. I imagine he is seeing more than the same 5.

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u/Suck--My--Toes Aug 24 '26

I have a shooting bench on the roof that I hunt from. There's definitely no squirrel shortage here. Even in the garage I'll regularly see more than 5.

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u/Suck--My--Toes Aug 24 '26

I've seen more than 5 at a time inside my garage. I'll definitely see the same ones more than once but there is no shortage of squirrels around here.

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u/Certain_Time6419 Aug 24 '26

Have you considered you may see the same squirrels many times over?

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u/Suck--My--Toes Aug 24 '26

Obviously I do. I wasn't saying 100 different squirrels. But there is a heavy squirrel population here.

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u/abracadammmbra Aug 24 '26

Dont worry, they will find your vegetable garden

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u/Honorsheets Aug 24 '26

I think after a year or two the squirrel population would fucking explode.

All wildlife would in TWD. There would be lots of hunting game.

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u/perishparish Aug 24 '26

In the forests where 95% of the show takes places

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u/BeatHunter Aug 24 '26

In 56 trees?

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u/Thin_Object365 Aug 24 '26

at Terminus.

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u/Deavo3 Aug 24 '26

Who the fuck is Darrel

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u/WingsNthingzz Aug 24 '26

You can literally starve eating squirrels.

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u/T-Bills Aug 24 '26

Also I think eating mostly lean meat will mess you up no? I remember one theory of the Into the Wild guy was that he ate primarily venison and rabbit and that got him sick so he can't navigate and escape from the bus.

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u/dump_cakes Aug 24 '26

It's called rabbit starvation. There used to be a TIL post on it monthly years back. I don't think that's what got the Into the Wild guy though.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Protein_toxicity

One form of protein toxicity, called "protein poisoning" or "rabbit starvation", was described by arctic explorer Vilhjalmur Stefansson as occurring when a person survives on lean animals such as rabbit, without consuming sufficient fats or carbohydrates over an endured period.

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u/Huge_Swimming_5968 Aug 24 '26

4000 calories is light work in modern american society.

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u/LocalSixPot Aug 24 '26

Is that the amount of calories in a full squirrel or the amount of calories in the edible part

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u/Objective-Corgi-3527 Aug 24 '26

I got edible, deboned and cooked, but the sources I found were not amazing

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u/IAmTheBestIan Aug 24 '26

You ain't getting 500 calories off a squirrel unless it is this squirrel.

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u/ggouge Aug 24 '26

Maybe if you are their bones fur and skin it's 500 calories.

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u/Wind-and-Waystones Aug 24 '26

Is squirrel nutritious enough? Or would it get you a case of rabbit starvation?

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u/abouttogivebirth Aug 24 '26

Not post apocalyptic, but Reacher canonically doesn't work out and he occasionally eats half a diner sandwich to sustain himself.

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u/Sweet_Baby_Cheezus Aug 24 '26

Same with Batman.

I wish you'd eat Master Bruce, Alfred says woefully, to the 3% BF linebacker who just spent 7 hours of straight parkour and karate, cleaning up another uneaten dinner.

I guess he learned how to cultivate mass from Tibetan monks.

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u/abouttogivebirth Aug 24 '26

At least Batman is rich and you could argue that hes on super high tech steroids or something, Reacher is straight up homeless. I know Batman isn't on HGH, but he does fight aliens and Reacher is in the 'real' world

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u/GodOfDarkLaughter Aug 24 '26

There's a theory that DC baseline-humans are stronger, faster, smarter, and more durable than we are in the real world. And "peak humans," like Batman, regularly perform feats of strength, acrobatics, and just pure impossible durability, that they can't really be considered "normal" humans.

And the Earth in DC has such a long history of being visited by gods, beings of cosmic power, time travelers, literally whatever you can think of, MANY of whom had children who may be demigods themselves but who will over time just genetically dilute into the general population. So unlike us real world folk who are mostly descended from shit farmers with the occasional raping noble thrown in, they get that AND gods and wiziards and shit, and occasionally things will combine in ways where even if they're not explicitly "powered" they're obviously beyond what a normal person could do. Because they're .68% god and 1.3% wizard and apparently that combo makes you real good at acrobatics.

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u/MaritMonkey Aug 24 '26

As a former kid who grew up not enjoying a lot of the "superhero" stories (loved Batman and most "mutants" though), I really wish my brain had been clever enough to come up with this because I love it.

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u/[deleted] Aug 24 '26

[deleted]

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u/MaritMonkey Aug 24 '26

I don't think I've ever gotten to employ "you must be fun at parties" more aptly.

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u/animedeathspiral Aug 24 '26

i think you and the other guy probably go to very different types of parties

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u/ChilternRailways Aug 24 '26

Wow, what a boring thing to say.

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u/animedeathspiral Aug 24 '26

idk, powerscaling and "could superman outrun the flash" shit have always been a bit cringe. The "why and how" of a characters powers have never been the thing that makes them interesting, its how they use the powers and how theyre written that make the character interesting

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u/ChilternRailways Aug 24 '26

have always been a bit cringe

It's just people using their imaginations. It's not at all cringe to do that. Children do it a lot, but that's because they're good at having fun.

The why and how has never been the thing that makes them interesting

Just like with magic, some people find the process fascinating, others the outcome. To put one over the over is the only wrong answer.

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u/Lemixer Aug 24 '26

Have you ever read web serial "Worm"?

Its can be considered a "parody" of a typical superhero world but most super powers are explained and more grounded.

Like a Flash equivalent in Worm sacrifices power for speed so in order to move fast he has to be practically naked and he can't do much harm while he moves fast, so the most OP power in DC is one of the weakest in the setting, i feel like stuff like that can be pretty cool.

You can make "how and why" interesting if you want, but ofc its not for everyone.

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u/animedeathspiral Aug 24 '26

the only time i have found the minutiae of how powers work to be interesting is in Jojo's Bizarre Adventure, because the powers are often hyper specific nonsense and when the author explains them in detail the explanations are also just nonsense that boils down to the author saying "i thought it would be cool if this guy could turn people into snails with rain" and then working backwards from there to justify it.

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u/WHATAREWEYELINGABOUT Aug 24 '26

In one of the books I’m pretty sure Reacher’s pecs are so dense they stop a bullet. Safe to say the guy isn’t human

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u/bunkoRtist Aug 24 '26

We see Batman when he is stressed and things are going badly. Normally he'd be putting away a whole pot roast and a loaf of bread for dinner (or whatever). Alfred is upset because Bruce is not eating, suggesting it's abnormal. I think the "Bruce isn't eating" thing is a bit overdone, but it's supposed to show you how deeply personal the situation is. It's not "Batman business as usual".

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u/nickcan Aug 24 '26

My headcannon is that Bruce stops by a fast food joint on the way home and fills up on burgers and fries. So when he gets back to Alfred's amazing meal he's not hungry because he ate 3 Arby's roast beef monstrosities on the way home and is trying to keep it from Alfred.

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u/Albireookami Aug 24 '26

He is actually shown to order absolute massive amounts of food though, and is not above taking things to go, just for some scenes he has to leave quickly. We can assume off camera though he eats a ton.

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u/abouttogivebirth Aug 24 '26

Nah I just assume he is able to absorb 100% of all calories and nutrients because we also never see him shit on screen

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u/Albireookami Aug 24 '26

Can apply that to 99% of characters on any show

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u/nickcan Aug 24 '26

Reacher canonically is a physical freak of nature. The biggest, strongest, toughest dude who ever walked the earth (unless we need a bigger guy to be the bodyguard of the bad guy so that Reacher has someone to fight). He is also the smartest dude in any room he walks into, and irresistible to women.

Complaining that Reacher is too big and strong is like complaining that Sherlock Holmes is too smart. It's their character's defining trait, even if it flies in the face of all logic and science.

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u/Dravarden DARK BLUE Aug 24 '26 edited Aug 24 '26

Lalo Salamanca (better call saul) does all the shit he does with 2-3 hours of sleep

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u/_Atlas_Drugged_ Aug 24 '26

And also everyone in game of thrones has access to an orthodontist.

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u/TA_Lax8 Aug 24 '26

I think this is the one that throws me out of a scene more than anything else.

And it's beyond just straight teeth, or even clean teeth. It's pure white, bright as all get out, teeth. It doesn't even have to be a historical movie/show. It's just so damn off and a beacon that I can't get past.

It would be the equivalent to watching a period piece and the Ford Model T has LED headlights

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u/Otiosei Aug 24 '26

Yep this is the one that gets me the most. You get constant close up shots of people's faces and they flash the most unrealistic bright smiles that I frankly don't even see in my day to day. I always respect period dramas that at least slap a yellow patina on everybody's teeth.

Body hair I can at least understand, because it does take time to grow out arm pit hair and beards and actors have to shave for other roles, but teeth is such an easy thing to fix it just feels lazy when they don't.

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u/Lubinski64 Aug 24 '26

When the director cares for the details like teeth you get Pirates of the Caribbean and their iconic rotten smiles

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u/Straight_Advisor1142 Aug 24 '26

People actually used to have better teeth before because food with refined sugars were less common.

Check out the teeth of people from the Jarawa tribe. Hell, even my immigrant parents who grew up only eating whole foods have perfect teeth without any dental work. My siblings and I? All had fucked up teeth lol.

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u/TA_Lax8 Aug 24 '26

You're correct, but I'm talking more about lab whitened pearl bright teeth.

Even the healthiest, perfectly clean teeth have a natural feint yellow tint.

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u/tenthousandgalaxies Aug 24 '26

It's all veneers these days. No one has real teeth anymore

5

u/MaXimillion_Zero Aug 24 '26

Refined sugars made things worse, but dental health already took a deep dive when we adopted agriculture. A grain-heavy diet does not result in strong jaws or good teeth.

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u/[deleted] Aug 24 '26

Yes!! Hollywood having perfect capped teeth is my biggest pet peeve in period pieces. They'll be dirty and in shaggy clothes then smile with the most perfect white teeth ever and it just ruins the scene for me.

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u/Orneyrocks Aug 24 '26

And Pirates of the Carribean proved that you could have realistic teeth and hyperbolized pirate-teeth as well.

1

u/Friendstastegood Aug 24 '26

teeth I feel are a different thing because you have to put in actual effort to fake bad teeth, as opposed to just not shaving.

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u/_Atlas_Drugged_ Aug 24 '26

Austin powers is 25 years old.

I know they can make fake teeth for people.

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u/[deleted] Aug 24 '26

It's not that hard really

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u/i_want_to_be_unique Aug 24 '26

Characters on TWD haven’t been eating squirrels for over a decade of real world time. In modern TWD they are flying helicopters, launching nuclear bombs at each other, making routine trips across the Atlantic, and genetically engineering new zombie variants. It got weird…

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u/Top_Concert_3326 Aug 24 '26

In the latest episode of the latest spinoff, a crowd actually got angry at the idea of eating pigeons and rats

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u/alexjgriffin Aug 24 '26

I love how the comments quickly devolved into "Yeah they could easily eat 56 squirrels a week but completely unreasonable if they had a sharp blade to cut hair with or found a store with a makeup section" lol.

5

u/Dravarden DARK BLUE Aug 24 '26

well yeah because the shows are misogynistic, so when the male actors do the exact same thing, it can be explained

double standards? what's that?